In short
No Parental Guidance Podcast Episode Summary
Episode Title
Ashley James Reacts To Our Negative Comments
Podcast Description: No Parental Guidance is an unfiltered, humor-filled podcast hosted by Louise Boyce and Hannah East, addressing the realities of parenting amidst the curated perfection often seen on social media.
Overview In this episode, hosts Hannah and Louise invite Ashley James to discuss and respond to negative comments made about their parenting choices on Instagram. The conversation is lively, humorous, and offers an honest take on the pressures of motherhood and societal expectations.
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Key Discussions
- Response to Negative Comments
- Sleeping Arrangements:
- Negative comments revolve around the practice of parents sleeping separately to ensure better sleep for themselves and their children.
- Hosts defend their choices, emphasizing the practicality of sharing space and getting better rest to manage parenting duties.
- Parenting After 35:
- A comment suggests that women over 35 should not have children due to risks.
- The hosts counter this by discussing societal changes, increased educational pursuits, and economic factors affecting when people choose to have children.
- Sex Life and Parenting
- The conversation touches on how parenting and sleep arrangements impact marital intimacy.
- A humorous exchange reveals that many couples schedule intimacy around their children’s routines.
- Reactions to Societal Expectations
- The hosts critique the unrealistic standards imposed on women regarding their appearance and domestic responsibilities after childbirth.
- Emphasis on the idea that both fathers and mothers should share parenting duties and that such responsibilities shouldn't be seen as solely "mom stuff."
- Food and Picky Eating Habits
- The hosts discuss the challenges of dealing with picky eaters and the importance of picking battles.
- They advocate for flexibility in food choices while maintaining some boundaries to avoid power struggles with children.
- Mental Load of Parenting
- A male listener’s comment about feeling responsible for his partner's mental load leads to discussions on division of labor in parenting.
- The hosts encourage men to be proactive in sharing household responsibilities without needing explicit directives.
- Cultural Pressures and Expectations
- The episode explores the unrealistic body image expectations placed on women, especially in the context of modeling.
- Ashley shares her personal experiences with maternity modeling and the push for more honest representation in advertising.
- Final Thoughts and Reflections
- The conversation concludes with insights into the importance of empathy in parenting and understanding the struggles mothers face.
- Ashley promotes her book, "Bimbo," as a resource for both women and men, emphasizing the need for better understanding and communication in relationships.
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Key Takeaways
- Normalize Choices: Mums should feel empowered to make choices that work best for their families without societal judgment.
- Shared Responsibilities: Parenting should not be gendered; both parents are equally responsible.
- Empathy is Crucial: Understanding the mental and emotional burdens of parenthood is essential for supporting partners.
- Candid Conversations: Open dialogue about parenting struggles helps normalize the chaos that comes with raising children.
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Conclusion This episode of No Parental Guidance brings humor and insight into the challenges of contemporary motherhood, encouraging listeners to embrace their parenting choices and tackle societal expectations with confidence.
Written by AI. May contain mistakes. Listen to the episode to check what was said.
Chapters
Tap a time to open that second in VOAddressing Negative Comments on Parenting Choices
0:45 to 2:52
Discussion about criticism received for sleeping arrangements and parenting choices.
“but because, like, what's the point in us both being exhausted?”
Impact of Parenting Responsibilities on Relationships
2:52 to 4:44
Exploration of how parenting affects relationships and intimacy.
“I know loads of people that would have loved to have had kids younger and they can't find an emotionally available, mateable man.”
Challenges of Motherhood After 35
4:44 to 6:11
Discussion on societal expectations for motherhood and the challenges faced by older mothers.
“When I was pregnant with Inca, and nobody knew in the first like trimester, I was still modeling.”
Navigating Societal Pressures and Self-Image
6:11 to 7:54
Conversation about the pressures women face regarding body image and societal standards.
“And I remember doing a TV commercial in Cape Town, and it was like a 20 hour day and no one knew.”
Food Battles and Parenting Styles
7:54 to 10:45
Discussion on how to handle children's eating habits and the impact of parental choices.
“As if we're always doing stuff wrong, but actually we're not doing stuff wrong.”
Understanding Emotional Labor in Parenting
10:45 to 14:07
Exploration of the mental load and emotional labor involved in parenting roles.
The Unexpected Joy of Household Help
14:07 to 14:35
Discover the surprising ways small acts of help can strengthen relationships.
Empathy and the Reality of Motherhood
14:35 to 15:01
Learn about the mental load and struggles moms face and the need for empathy.
Insights from Ashley James' Book
15:01 to 15:38
Explore the themes in Ashley's book, including raising boys and understanding women.
“James is out now pick it up give it to the to the woman in your life would you would a man should Should we read this too?”
Communication Between Genders
15:38 to 15:56
Examine the differences in how men and women listen and communicate.
“trying to educate the next generation and think before they speak.”
Transcript
Automatic transcript. May contain errors.0:00Hannah:Ashley, we need your help. We know you are the queen of debates and you can very much hold your own. Amen. We have some comments to read out and we need your help responding. Oh, love this. I know, Hannah, you like to do this yourself.
0:12Ashley James:All the time. If anyone sends me any negativity, it's usually a middle-aged man with a bald head and I guarantee we'll have a small winky at home. Yeah. Typing away and then they'll say stuff like, you shouldn't have had kids then.
0:25Hannah:Well, funny you should say that because the first two comments here are from a man. Really? Here we go. I don't get women sleeping in a separate room or bed to help a kid sleep. If you don't sleep in the same bed as your husband, that's a roommate.
0:38Louise:Why does he care about your sleeping arrangements? Yeah.
0:41Hannah:It's wild, isn't it?
0:42Louise:Because also, I don't sleep in the same bed as Tommy, but because, like, what's the point in us both being exhausted? That Ada still gets up in the night and comes into my room. And to be fair, I actually don't mind it because she goes straight back to sleep and I enjoy the cuddles. but I wouldn't like that wedge between me and Tommy but then also he would then feel like he was up as well and it's like well one of us may as well sleep but also it's a bit weird like well I just find the like fascination with where people sleep so weird the other reason I like sleeping by myself is because I don't I like to starfish and I'm an adult and I don't think that a relationship should be a prison sentence for like having to share a space like Tommy he does this really annoying thing where he puts the duvet down around his waist and then like
1:27Hannah:locks it whereas I'm a weirdo that sleeps with the duvet over my head I'm exactly the same and actually when my daughter wants to sleep with me she likes to have the duvet down and I like it up and because we're so close to each other it's like we're like this all night I slept last night
1:41Ashley James:with literally like a steering wheel up my ass because my son's got a camper van bunk beds and And so my husband's got man flu and I was like, I'm not sleeping in the bed with my husband while he's snoring, night farting and coughing. So I thought, you know, I'll just go into the bunk bed. So I woke up this morning and I'd got curled up like in the fetal position. But the steering wheel of this like wooden steering wheel of the camper van was literally on my ass. And I was like, oh, my God, this is so uncomfortable. Actually, I was like, I felt like I just had my own space. You have a really good sleep.
2:13Ashley James:I did.
2:14Hannah:I don't know. It was really, really good, Ashley. There's nothing better than having a good sleep. So this guy can sod off. Okay, we sleep in separate rooms because we need the sleep.
2:21Ashley James:But how does that affect your sex life though? If you're in, that is a thing. That if you're, if it's like a guaranteed separate beds. Who's having sex every night in bed with kids?
2:31Louise:Well, exactly.
2:32Hannah:I know someone who is.
2:34Louise:Do you know what I feel like affects our sex life is having to tell someone to pick up their own clothing from the floor.
2:40Ashley James:Yeah.
2:40Louise:There is nothing more unattractive.
2:42Ashley James:So this is what we establish from the guests that come on the podcast. it's like most women now are normalizing bed hopping with kids because it happens we have to do it um and women most women that come on will say that they have to like schedule like sex um it's not just like you say but also kids around or they might come into the room you could be a
3:05Louise:bit imaginative i feel like people don't need like just to be in the same bed they could just like go to bed together and then go into another room i find like it's so weird like why are people also fascinated by like your sex life when yeah i feel like even my friends who share beds they're not having any more any less sex really like because you're not waking up slow in bed like pre-kids oh god yeah i don't know i'm like what why do you care i've done a poo poo like oh my god it's just ruined the moment and that was your husband right are you ready for this one jesus
3:37Ashley James:you shouldn't be having kids after the age of 35 you're too old at that point and it puts you and
3:42Hannah:the baby at risk well that's clearly incorrect i've had children over 35 and they're thriving
3:47Ashley James:well the average age isn't in london is like 40 yeah for having your first baby yeah it's like times have changed like you know women going to university further education apprenticeships or setting up businesses being self-employed it's like building that your future takes time so no longer having kids at a younger age necessarily but what does it make any difference and also
4:09Louise:So note that it's all, the blame is always on the woman. I know loads of people that would have loved to have had kids younger and they can't find an emotionally available, mateable man. And a lot of them, like one of my friends now is in her 40s. She spent a fortune on IVF and people are like, oh, you should have started sooner. With who? Because then if she picked the wrong guy, people would have blamed her for making the wrong choice. At some point, we need to appreciate that it's not all down to, like, we can't just click our fingers and a be impregnated like you have no idea about people who want kids and are in a relationship where they could have kids you've got no idea about their fertility journey um we can't afford to have kids in today's society when you're paying like like when I had both my kids in a nursery in London which isn't a fancy nursery like nearly four grand a month like tell me someone in their early 20s late 20s I mean even any age that can afford that so a lot of the reasons people aren't having kids young is because of like societal systemic reasons and then now that the birth rate is declining so much because people are either being like you know what doesn't seem that appealing or i do want to focus on all of these
5:18Ashley James:other things my eyes are still watering from how much you paid for nursery fees honestly it's just
5:23Hannah:that's wild yeah right next one it really doesn't take that long to shave your legs women stop looking after themselves after having kids and then wonder why their sex life falls apart i um didn't shave my legs before i had kids to be honest i shaved my legs when my legs are
5:40Louise:exposed pretty much i mean like in the summer also i'll shave my legs if a man shaves his legs i used to just shave like the bottom section of my leg yeah i'd like to say to men if you don't like leg hair don't grow it amen love i feel like i need to hang out with you all day every day Well, it's just having that like, having that approach where you go, no, that isn't acceptable.
6:06Hannah:When I was pregnant with Inca, and nobody knew in the first like trimester, I was still modeling. And you had to like cover the bump. And I remember doing a TV commercial in Cape Town, and it was like a 20 hour day and no one knew. And had I told them, they would have been like, you can't do this.
6:25Ashley James:Oh, yeah, yeah.
6:25Hannah:And then I went to Morocco. And by that point, the client knew and you could see my bump. And so every single photograph was taken from the front rather than any angles. And it was really nice to know that, you know, Inca was there with me. And then I don't know if you know this actually, and I've never spoken about this on the podcast before, but because I went on maternity leave at 17 weeks pregnant, because I was showing with my third. Yeah. I announced it on Instagram saying officially on maternity leave. And did you know, fun fact for you, that majority of pregnant models aren't pregnant.
6:58Hannah:It's a fake bump.
7:00Louise:Yeah.
7:00Hannah:And the uproar was unbelievable.
7:04Ashley James:I would presume you would be inundated with work. No. Being heavily pregnant.
7:07Hannah:I didn't get any work as a pregnant model.
7:09Ashley James:What?
7:10Hannah:None. Which is just like. Because they use models that aren't pregnant. They put on this prosthetic bump to make the clothes look perfect.
7:18Ashley James:But why are they not putting cellulite on them? Yeah. And like baggy bits. Because that's where you look.
7:23Hannah:Swelling and swole and everything. Yeah, yeah. So what I did was I started a campaign called Push It Out. And I was asking brands to have more honesty in maternity advertising and saying, if you're going to use a fake pregnant bump, state it on your website. This girl is not pregnant. Do not compare yourself to her. And they did.
7:42Ashley James:Because we're so used to just like bumbling along with how we think we should be perceived and then being so paranoid as women, getting paranoid as mothers, paranoid as partners, wives. And like, should I be doing this? Should I be doing that? As if we're always doing stuff wrong, but actually we're not doing stuff wrong.
7:59Louise:I remember being a teenage girl and like looking down and I had like one bit of hair in my tummy and I was like, people are going to think I'm disgusting. And meanwhile, I'm pretty sure teenage boys aren't even wiping their bums. Do you know what I mean? We have so much pressure on us.
8:13Hannah:Yeah.
Read the full transcript
8:13Ashley James:Yeah. To look a certain way, it's crazy. If you pander to your picky child's eating habits, you'll only make things worse. There should be one dinner for everyone, and if they don't eat it, they'll go hungry. Screw their milk allergy. Oh, God. I'm like cereal for Annabelle for dinner the other night. she wouldn't eat the spag bol she wouldn't eat anything that she normally likes she wouldn't eat it and I was like I'm not putting her to bed hungry because she will wake up in the night
8:39Louise:and it'll be me that gets up so I was like was that comment from my mom by the way it was my mom actually because uh last night I made uh chicken and like a few random bits but anyway Alf was adamant he didn't want it he's like slightly um like got slight sensory issues but I do know that he has had chicken before and he has liked it and so at first especially probably because my mom was like no that's your food just eat it and adorate hers and so she got what was it that she got anyway some form of like chocolate i don't know not not an everyday thing but i was like you've eaten your dinner so you can have it and then alph was like but i want it and i was like no you really need to eat something just try it just try it and he just wouldn't and then i had pasta in the fridge and he was going but i want pasta but i want pasta so i was like fine and then my mom was like oh you're pandering to him and i was like but i sometimes don't want to eat certain food i feel like we expect our children to be these little like regulated and controlled and i get it like discipline is sometimes important but i also think like picking your battles is like they have so many new things to learn and experience and if i've got pasta in the fridge why can't i just give it to him that whole narrative like oh you're pandering to him it's like no i i'm feeding him surely why do we care with things like this what other people are doing because as long as they're like happy and healthy and safe like yeah if you if you are like if you know your child but I actually remember going to war with my mum once because she was like you will not get down from table until you eat your peas and I remember thinking bring it on and I must have been really young but I remember thinking I will sit here until I'm 72 I will not my god I will not eat the peas and I won of course I did because I I like I just sat there and stared at her and obviously she got fed off me she's like go away so I was like you win and then and then I've learned like well I can out my patience is better than her patience and so it's like why would you create a battle over something?
10:35Hannah:I actually think this is why I'm vegetarian and have been vegetarian since I was a child because my dad I have such a memory of my dad one of my earliest memories would sit me down at the dinner table and he would give me this meat and I didn't like the look of it and I wouldn't eat it and I remember him saying to me you'll have it you'll eat it and you'll like it so I think my mum was a bit more like I want you to eat um so I'll just make something else and I I pretty much have never eaten meat since I also feel like you can have boundaries
11:05Louise:and still be like just pick your battles do you know what I mean and like as long as like I'll only be strict if it's to do with safety or manners but when it comes to food like you say
11:14Ashley James:I bet he ate the pasta last night he was happy you were happy the situation was diffused and what does it matter what point are you proving to be like right you are not having a pudding you are if you don't eat that dinner and then you're going to sit there and battle it out and he might take the approach you did when you're younger and you go to bed off he did say to me I like the school chicken not your chicken and I was like wow I've spent that a long time I do that I am offended that's a few times I used to put breast milk in Andy's coffee did you know did you do that no i never did you didn't get well my mother-in-law used to drink my breast milk i drank my friend's breast milk yeah i mean i know that sounds a bit weird i mean not like you know
11:53Hannah:right on to the last one um this is a comment which we actually think this guy means well but it's worth our feedback and see how we would respond so my wife and i are having chats about the mental lows on a monthly basis now i ask if she is okay and there's nothing more i can do to support and the answer is always no I'm not okay but there's nothing more you can do as it's just mum stuff what ends up happening is I feel responsible for not doing enough and I feel like I contribute directly to her unhappiness but don't want to tell her as I think it's just it'll just
12:24Louise:add more to her mental load I think if you're having to have chats every month about the load even if your intention is good stop asking about the load and just do some of the stuff you've seen and like what is mum stuff yeah like mum stuff is dad stuff like yeah unless you are breastfeeding which obviously you cannot do there's very little that is mutually for mothers so in my book I wrote the list of the whole mental load but also you could do it as well because Tommy this is another thing that Tommy and I argue about just tell me what to do if you're stressed about the shopping write me a list and I'll do the shopping and it's like but also if I just had the shopping I wouldn't be stressed about the shopping it's the shopping and all the other stuff yeah but like I shouldn't need to tell you because I'm not the project manager and being a project manager is still part of the mental load so if you're saying if you're saying with the best intentions might we bring this up every month well do some more stuff like are you watching her like do the washing are you watching her like clean up do you know that she's on top of all the school emails like just do some of it and also like you could say you if you really want to be helpful maybe be like by the way it doesn't have to be just mum stuff like it can be dad stuff like dad's can parent who knew like so take some like don't just keep bringing it up if you can see she's not okay but also have a like productive conversation with her you're like you know how you think of it as mum stuff like I would actually like to like see it as parenting stuff it totally
13:53Hannah:is you're absolutely right have you heard of the expression chore play where uh it happened the other day I came home from somewhere and Jesse had just done so much housework and cooking and the kitchen was blitzed without me asking him to do it and without him wanting a medal for doing it and I was so turned on see for me that just means the bar is so far in hell well yeah we are turned
14:19Louise:done by men doing their bit around the house i know i know i know but i was i know i was i would
14:28Hannah:i'm glad faint if i came home yeah i was very very impressive yeah uh before we wrap up what is the one thing you wish you knew before becoming a mum
14:39Louise:um i think probably that mums aren't negative i think that was always my thing that i'd shut down on any form of struggle and whether that's like births when I'm like you only hear negative births don't you think more people would love to have positive ones but also like maybe lots of mums are struggling because the mental load and the weight and of the expectations are still all on them so I think it's um yeah just to have a bit more empathy for mums okay so bimbo by Ashley
15:08Hannah:James is out now pick it up give it to the to the woman in your life would you would a man should Should we read this too?
15:14Louise:Do you know what? A few men have read it and they've all said that. Are they shocked? They find it really interesting. And there's a chapter in there about like raising men. Thanks. There's a chapter in there about like raising men. And hopefully it allows people to be better girl dads, be better partners, be better humans on this planet with women.
15:32Ashley James:Amen. Yeah. And just being aware from a guy's perspective on some of the vocabulary that you're using, trying to educate the next generation and think before they speak.
15:41Louise:Well, also, do you know that women very often listen to men, but men often don't listen to women. And I mean that in terms of like podcasts, audiobooks, like.
15:52Hannah:Our husbands haven't listened to this podcast, have they? Which is probably a good thing. Because we like them all the time. Maybe that's why they haven't listened to it. Yeah, absolutely. Anyway, Ashley James, thank you so much. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. James, everyone. Good luck with the book. Thank you. If you've enjoyed this chat as much as we did, please give us a like and subscribe to the channel. It really helps other parents find us. Also drop a comment below and let us know your favorite takeaway from today. We'll see you next week. Bye!
16:41Hannah:Yes, and she answers questions.
16:43Louise:24-7 and without a German teacher. That's just the app that understands us. Get paid with Visa Steuers.
16:50Hannah:Now try it out.
From the publisher
This week on No Parental Guidance, things get a little bit spicy as Hannah and Louise invite Ashley James on to help them clap back at some wild comments left on their Instagram.
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