BONUS EPISODE: Stretch mark hacks + Spanx tips & your funniest parenting fails

0:01This one goes out to all my ladies, all my multitasking mamas who need energy to show up at work and at home. All my empty nest explorers who need a little gut health support for the journey ahead. AG1 is the daily health drink designed to support whole body health with over 75 essential nutrients and pre and probiotics. So you can make the most of every day and every decade. Learn more at drinkag1.com. Coming up... I'm like a milk machine, a chef, supposed to be super mum. And you're like, how do I even do, I don't even massage myself. You slept with cling film? Every night. One day I was pregnant and I thought, this is, this is a game changer.

0:45I mean, maybe it is. Let me tell you. The mum grabs this huge penis, comes running down the stairs and is flying it around in front of her husband's face going, you see this? This is mine and I love it.

1:06hello welcome back to no parental guidance your weekly dose of parenting chaos so one thing i want you to ask you because my friends think this is really weird okay okay so when i was pregnant all three pregnancies i was always really worried about getting stretch marks yeah because my brother was like 10 pound i mean he's six foot four he's massive and my mom got loads of stretch marks and you can still see them 10 pound baby and yeah my mom's quite petite so I used to think oh my god like I'm not really petite like my mum but um I was like oh I don't want to get stretch marks so in my head I thought if I get oil rub it on my belly yeah get a big sheet of cling film every night what put it over my tummy sleep in it you slept with cling film every night I had a huge thing of cling film next to my bed and my oil never heard of that rubbed it all just just I didn't like wrap myself like my head puts my hole going to bed good to know just in case just across my stomach and then I'd wake up and some nights I'd wake up and it would be a bit itchy but I wouldn't it wouldn't be really hot or anything but I did that through all three pregnancies and a few weeks ago I went around to see a friend and I said oh you she's pregnant I was like you sleeping in cling film she was like I was like no do you like is it not a thing like do other women not do this no I've never read anywhere nobody has ever recommended to do this but I did it with all three pregnancies but your mum didn't do it no so you just came up with this idea one day I was pregnant I thought this is this is a game changer I mean maybe it is maybe this maybe this is maybe this is you know you should patent this and you know make millions from it my husband I used to get into bed with my massive beige knickers on and like you know when you just have your maternity t-shirt but I'd never put oil on because the thing is you put oil on your body and then you put a t-shirt on what happens the oil rubs onto the t-shirt your pregnancy top that's like a tent yes so I never had any dirty t-shirt I mean it's not like I'm going to wear them now because they were they're awful but I did that and I feel that you didn't do it I didn't do that no no I didn't I would love to know do you know anyone that did no babes but like I am no medical professional nobody's ever advised me I've never seen any any like article to say to do this so just don't like maybe don't try it but i did it work yeah do you have any stretch marks so i did get um a couple of stretch marks when logan was like 42 weeks like hotel room service was going well for him that's it and that was yeah yeah the front i put three stone on with each of my pregnancies um so i was pretty bit i really enjoyed eating so maybe it works then can i put it around my ass as well well now I'm like where else can I be next week or I wish I didn't I got really bad stretch marks on my boobs when I first grew boobs not when I was pregnant I know when I was pregnant as well but the but nobody would ever say put cling film on your dicks would they no no no don't know why I did it really I just I thought I'd ask you if you did it and my husband was saying to me the other day he was like we your underwear is out of control like it's too much the beige spanks we were getting ready to go out I put my beige cycling shorts on the the bra that crisscrossed it and he was like what are you wearing I wore beige spanks yesterday yeah I do actually love my beige spanks well they're they are quite new I have nice underwear I don't wear it you have your period pants yeah period underwear then you have your comfy bra I still wear my um like maternity sports bra-esque tops wow yeah but then your baby's still quite young I'm not breastfeeding I just really enjoy the comfort Yes there is that Do you still wear thongs?

4:44Are you wearing a thong right now? Always a thong Oh do you really? Yeah And then I put my Spanx on over the top What am I wearing? I'm wearing big big pants today I like a big pant Do you? Yeah A beige one It's not beige today It was yesterday Question Which I just realised Maybe I've been doing something wrong for a long time Do you wear knickers under your Spanx? yes I always put a thong on under my Spanx yeah that's what I do but apparently you don't need to wear knickers under Spanx it's just the Spanx because there's a hole there's a hole to wee in the Spanx there's a hole in Spanx yeah I don't think mine have a hole well how old are they so what do you do just like you just pull it apart and wee at Sock Doc we know being a healthy adult is like living in a video game every day has side quests taxes laundry birthdays and just when you're leveling up you have to book a doctor the insurance portal crashes they put you on hold your doctor doesn't take your plan game over we see you so we made booking a doctor easy download sock doc search by specialty insurance and availability book instantly no cheap codes required find a doctor you love with sock doc yeah but then like i always feel like i want to be protected down there something covered.

6:03I kind of feel like, so I wear, so yeah, I wear knickers with my Spanx. Yeah. So I don't use the hole. I just pull everything down. What if you sit down, right? You know, if you fall over and then there's gapage. If you fell backwards and one of your legs came up, people's going to see like your internals if you do that. We'll just hope that that doesn't happen. Yeah. Really. That would stress me out. A little bit, yeah. Quite a nice draft though.

6:26We asked you to send in your fails and you delivered hard. From the depths of parenting despair, here are this week's finest cock-ups. Let's dive into the carnage then. What have you got, Louise? This one, actually, I was told firsthand from a friend of mine, which I could not stop laughing. And I hope that I can manage to tell the story without completely bursting into laughter. So here goes. This is my friend who has a teenage daughter and their relationship is somewhat turbulent sometimes. I'm sure anyone who has a teenage daughter can relate to that. you know they're in that phase and this one particular day for whatever reason her daughter was rummaging through her mum's bedside table and came across a bag that was kind of tucked away at the back no one should see this bag and the daughter opened up the bag and inside was a massive real life looking yeah like not one of these fancy pink rabbits with beads and something that can pass like a facial.

7:29The original beige floppy. This is with testicles and veins and everything. It's like a proper full on, this is a penis. And so this daughter. How big is the set of drawers? F***ing hell. The daughter said to this friend. You're going to say who it really was said, weren't you? She said to her mum, mum, why have you got, why have you got dad's willy in your drawer? and then the mom was like no it's it's not daddy's willy it's just mommy's toy in the meantime this teenage girl the daughter's like okay so daddy doesn't know about this i'm gonna blackmail you so then the daughter was like i'm gonna go and tell dad who was downstairs and he's a very he's a very calm, lovely man, like very quiet, lovely, lovely man who had no idea what was about to come.

8:29So the daughter's like, I'm going to go and tell dad. In the meantime, the mum's like, how dare you blackmail me? You're not going to go and tell your father. And they're like, yes I am no you're not so in the end

8:44in the end oh my god the mum grabs this huge penis comes running down the stairs and is flapping it around in front of her husband's face going you see this this is mine and I love it he was just sat doing Sudoku Her husband was just like, you know, probably like making like fried eggs and was just like, where the hell's that just come from? And then she just turned back to her daughter. She was like, you don't blackmail me. I can do it myself. Oh, my God. And so this poor woman, who shall not be named, but I'm sure my sister won't mind me telling this story.

9:31basically her husband now knows that she's got this huge fake penis and so does her daughter and it was just honestly the way that she told me I could not stop laughing so there you go especially the fact that it had balls and it was big and veiny I mean it was how big was this thing like I've got I've got a vision of like an anaconda tucked away in the door I mean I think it I think it's pretty big I had I haven't seen it I think now she's probably got rid of it because that you know imagine like oh my god because I've got like kids I mean I don't I don't have one of those things like contraptions but I've just got visions of this person just running down the stairs swinging it around like a helicopter I love this yes and that's how it just came from nowhere like her husband was just mining this is mine and then he got this thing like slapped in his face I like this toy.

10:22The poor man. I want another one. Anyway, but they all laugh about it now. And now it's on this podcast. There you go. Okay. I'm a competitive football mum. I've shouted on the sidelines. I'll admit it. But yesterday I fully lost it. The ref started yelling at my eight-year-old over something tiny and I saw red. I ran onto the pitch, shaking with rage and screamed, don't you dare talk to my son like that. The rage passed and now I'm mortified I've got a two-week ban from spectating please tell me I'm not the only one who's gone full feral oh my do you know I mean I quite I do quite like that I do yeah I mean like it depends what the ref said but my my husband's coach for for our nine-year-old's team right and and they do it does get really competitive they take it very very seriously like because they're in the league and stuff and there have been some parents that go out to my husband who is um yeah a coach for the other team and have said, what are you doing?

11:23You can't talk to my son like that. It's really interesting actually because my husband has no problem in being, you know, he loves being a coach and he will shout at the kids in the right way, like, come on, keep going. You know, he's really enthusiastic about that, but it can sometimes come across a bit like, all right, mate, just turn it down. Yeah, I quite like, I admire that teachers at school, if my little boys, both of them, if they're not doing something right, that they'll call them out on it. Yeah. And say, no, you don't do that. Like my eldest was a bit rude to a teacher a few weeks ago.

11:58Like he was giggling and he got the giggles. And when my eldest gets told off, he just gets the giggles. And it's infuriating when you're a parent and you're like, don't do that. And like really tell them off. And then he'll start laughing in your face. and you feel like if it was anybody else on the street that spoke to you the way your kids do sometimes or laughed in your face while you're telling them off you would be livid but because it's your own kid it's like like that screaming to pillows but if like yeah daily but if um a teacher at school he was a bit cheeky to the teacher like really told him off and then my eldest started crying and then he was like oh I'm sorry I'm sorry and the teacher was like don't come at me with crocodile tears you're in the wrong like yeah deal with it and grow up and go somewhere else and when my son told me that he was like I cried today and then told me what he did and I was like well the teacher had every right to tell you off like you can't do that and laugh at somebody but I feel if I saw somebody really out of line shouting at my kid on a football pitch in front of other parents it must be hard you know when you see red and if you're tired and you're like don't speak to him and then after you go oh my god but get in a two-week ban oh my god I think that's quite rock and roll actually yeah what a legend I do think it's rock and roll I find it difficult uh there are certain matches where i can't i can't remember what the right right wording is but you're you're told to not make any noise at all so you can't whoop you can't cheer there's silence yeah i find that really weird and i don't like it i'm always there going come on and they're like no you can't say anything like kick his head in come on they've just scored a goal let's deserve the massive dildo come on son go on actually there was one there was one day where it was my son and my sister's son team played each other um in the league and uh and it got to get really competitive every time you went to shout you're like sorry

13:45oh my god oh my god that's really not appropriate i did tell her i did tell her i will actually i'm going to say this now before i forget i do have full permission to tell this story um on everything That's why she hasn't come here today. She's busy at home, isn't she? Cleaning the drawers up. She's busy at home with her toys. Playing families. Oh dear. Okay, here's the next one. So I was about 10 days into new parenthood, which means I hadn't slept, eaten anything that wasn't beige or worn a bra that didn't double up as milk trap. I was trying to give my baby his post-bath baby massage because I'd read one article about bonding and thought I'd go all in with some lavender scented baby lotion.

14:29I had him laid out like a tiny roast chicken on a towel. I reached for the lotion and in three seconds, it took to squirt into my hands and rub them together. He peed. Not a cute little sprinkle, a full sneaky pressure hose all over his own belly. But I didn't notice. I was too busy trying to be the serene earth mother parent. So what did I do? Hey, it's Kelly Rowland. You may not know this, but I have eczema. So I get how it can steal your time. But why let eczema take over when you can talk to your doctor about ebglis? Ebglis, Lubrikizumab LBKZ, a 250 milligram per two milliliter injection, is a prescription medicine used to treat adults and children 12 years of age and older who weigh at least 88 pounds or 40 kilograms with moderate to severe eczema.

15:18Also called atopic dermatitis that is not well controlled with prescription therapies used on the skin or topicals or who cannot use topical therapies. EBCLIS can be used with or without topical corticosteroids. Don't use if you are allergic to EBCLIS. Allergic reactions can occur that can be severe. Eye problems can occur. Tell your doctor if you have new or worsening eye problems. You should not receive a live vaccine when treated with EBCLIS. Before starting EBCLIS, tell your doctor if you have a parasitic infection. Paid partnership with Lilly. Respect your time. Ask your doctor about Epclus and visit epclus.com or call 1-800-LILLY-RX or 1-800-545-5979.

15:54I lovingly rubbed that baby lotion and the freshly marinated pea all over him like I was seasoning a pork shoulder. I massaged it in, really went for it. It was only when I picked him up and caught a whiff that I realized my sweet baby-scented moment smelled suspiciously like the gents lose at Wetherspoons. I cried he farted we both needed a bath oh bless her we do try our best don't we I know you always read these articles it's like do the baby massage if they need a poo do the stomach massage do and you're like all of a sudden you've become like a milk machine a chef yeah this like supposed to be super mum and you're like how do I even do I don't even massage myself and it's like it's always bath time though isn't I always used to find that I'd change one of the kids nappies and they'd do a poo and you kind of lay the nappy to the side and then you're going to put all the wipes into it.

16:47And then all of a sudden, another child would come into the bathroom and just stand in the s*** and walk around the bathroom onto the towels and then try and get in the bath with the poo still on them. And then they're like, oh, that's warm. It's like, you've just stepped in your sister s***. Like it happens every time. It's bizarre, isn't it? You're right. It's always around them being naked and near water that things, fluids are at a peak. Yeah. Or pooing in the bath. That's fun. Oh yeah. Yeah, trying to get, everyone has one of those little fishing nets, don't they? For the kids to, I was just fine.

17:16Now I'm just like, scoop that round, give it a rinse. Yeah, scoop it out now, it's fine. Although we have got, my eldest, eldest? My eldest definitely was pooing in the bath. And my youngest. So the octopus just goes right through him. We're out of the pooing in the bath phase. Right. But my daughter the other day, bless her, had a little bit of a runny tummy. and didn't tell me and tried to just do it herself oh um but you know good on her she's really independent and uh but yeah bless her kind of went into the bathroom and it was just she was like that to you yeah yeah at the mannequin like that there have that brother finger here's my to clear up um yeah it was just poo everywhere um and then you know i was like are you okay like let's clean this up you know let me let's maybe have a bath and she swore blind it wasn't her to a point where I was like maybe it's maybe it's your brother's she was like yeah it is and then you go was it me yeah he's like is it your father it was her um but yeah she just didn't want to didn't want to admit to it I got really nervous um yesterday because we're staying with my parents up north and uh Annabelle still has a dummy and people might judge me on that she's just turned two but my boys never had a dummy so I actually don't know how long but I've notice that her teeth are like because she's got this she's always got the dummy I'm trying to like get it out of my mouth and she always calls them her monies oh yeah so I'll say to like I said to my mother-in-law the other day I was like oh have you got Annabelle's money and she's like how much does she want I was like no no sorry her dummy you forget you just have this language and um yesterday I was like where's all Annabelle's dummies gone because I was coming here yeah to London so I thought I need to get everything organized and um I couldn't find her monies her dummies anywhere I went downstairs for a wee before I set off and she'd put six dummies down the toilet oh no my two sons had urinated in the toilet oh my gosh so I was like and I always get really worried that if you squeeze the dummy some of the liquid can go like be sucked back in so I had to go online and order express delivery and I was like all the dummies need to be thrown away because I was so worried that she would be literally swallowing her brother's yes probably would be with the dummies yeah don't do that and she's like money money money i love that she calls it money yeah not in the toilet i want money yeah give it to me it's interesting because we didn't give our sons dummies but we gave our daughter a dummy as well literally same as you and we didn't know how to get rid of it because we've never done it before well don't do what i did this this is actually a huge huge parenting fail and i do not recommend anyone doing this for whatever reason we thought it'd be a good idea to get rid of the dummy went on a camping trip um which is the I mean I don't even recommend going camping with toddlers anyway it's just chaos and we thought now's a good time we're all in one tent together that we can't stand up in surrounded by other people that are trying to get a good night's sleep let's get rid of the dummy now and we did and she was screaming a fool for her dummy in the night and I I was just like I'm not doing it I'm not doing it and then I was like I realized I'd woken everyone up in the campsite I don't know what I was thinking money money like oh my god what's going on I just I don't know and I was so like we have to do this we've started now so we can't stop we have to we have to continue with this and to be honest and to be fair it took two nights for her to get over it yeah obviously we packed up the next morning and left we didn't stay the next night I was too mortified because everyone just gave me the really dirty dummies this is our holiday how dare you ruin it for us we don't want to hear your kids screaming but I didn't know what to do I I just thought this is that I didn't actually think that um she would be that upset from it and how old was she when you did that um three right oh so I've got a while because Annabelle loves them and some people are like don't give them dummies it's a bad habit but then my other child he used to get the muslin squares yeah and he'd twist it and he did this from a baby and then put it in his mouth and chew it i mean this this smell i have to boil wash them like every day but he still puts it in his like at seven and he still puts it into his mouth at night time so all my kids are like this with their teeth they're a dentist it's fine like babes you need to get some braces we'll get you some clear braces when you're older they're like do i need do you think i'll need braces like probably yeah probably yeah yeah i've got a friend who's uh a little bit older than me who still has her, she calls it a couscous because she called it as a kid and it's still her like muslin.

21:53Yeah. And she still has it and she still sleeps with it every night. Does she? Yeah. How old is she? 48. I have this like Jemima doll that looks like the exorcist and my parents thought they'd lost it and they searched my 30th everywhere to buy another one as like a joke to give me this doll again. Right, right. I thought you meant because you lost it and you wanted it. I was 29 and I lost it when I went on the play date. I went camping and I couldn't find it. And they looked everywhere, bought this one on eBay. And then that day they found this other Jemima doll. So we've got two of them, but it's the ugliest doll you'll ever see.

22:28And when I show it to my kids, they're like, as if something bad, like a punishment. But it was my Jemima doll. Wow. Still got it, yeah. Jemima doll. It's not going to be a family heirloom, let me tell you. honestly i don't know whether to laugh cry or sterilize my entire house if you've made it through this episode without clutching your head in secondhand shame and congratulations you're either not a parent or you've blocked it all out yeah so thank you to everyone who sent in a story we live for your disasters we do please keep them coming we need them i think for our sanity more than anything no shame no judgment just mutual trauma and secondhand embarrassment if you're enjoying the chaos make sure you like subscribe and leave a review preferably one that doesn't get us banned from the PTI yes that would be preferable but also on socials come find us at No Parental Guidance so keep those wild stories coming we love them so until next time stay cool, calm and collected on the pitch and check your bedside drawer for Rogue Willys hello

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