Comedian Rachel Parris' biggest mum fails, surviving toddler tantrums & why kids NEVER SLEEP!

0:00Hey Chicago, class it up with Crocs. You know back to school is coming in fast. So why wait to find your new fave footwear? Step into a local Crocs store and step into your new look. Try it. Style it. Make it yours. Because the right pair doesn't just show up, it shows off. First day fits, handled. Walk out ready for whatever's next. Visit your nearest Crocs store today. coming up you know you see where the the soundproof glass is like just shut it that's what i want to do with my kids my husband will fall asleep on the plane

0:39Hannah:does seem to wake up when the air stewardess says chicken or beef then he's like oh i'll have chicken please gin but yeah oh so you can hear that yeah no when you're getting stitched up and like you have one leg up here and i had the gas now it's like and i was like oh my god like really inhaling it it's like the baby was burst a while ago shall we shall we just take thank you rachel parrott thank you there was like an entire roll of kitchen roll three packets of wet wipes rubber gloves and like serious industrial plastic bags it's survival

1:17welcome back to no parental guidance your weekly rant about parenthood proving that no one else has

1:23Hannah:it together either. Ready? Yeah. I run strictly. But actually we sat trying to slag off our family and say how difficult it is. And this is our, I feel like this is our safe space. It is. Especially that we're in the middle of summer holidays. Hannah, how are you? Like, okay. I feel like I've remortgaged my own house to pay for kids clubs over the holidays. My kids have like a really elongated summer like nine weeks nine I'm not joking yeah and I feel I love my kids I don't want to spend this much time with them I love to get to know them and all that but I just feel a bit like that's a long time I'm I'm looking at the calendar and counting down like weeks yeah have you got to the point now where you're just like you if you want to have a bath in the paddling pool that's fine because that's kind of where I'm at like that's fine you want another ice cream that's fine I actually my husband had a really big birthday party um last year and everyone said what do you what does he want for his birthday and I just said to everyone oh I really like champagne and we got like 40 bottles of really nice champagne he came home last Tuesday I was sat with an expensive bottle of champagne like half past four and he's like what you doing and I was like it's Tuesday Friday I don't know it's survival yeah it's survival how about you Yeah, same, same.

2:44Hannah:It's like the same. It feels like every day is kind of like the same thing. But also you're parenting and you're trying to work. Like work doesn't stop. We don't get seven, nine weeks off work. It continues. And so the constant like, mommy, watch, watch this, mommy, watch. And you're like, I'm watching and working and really, do I need to see you hop again I just stop it how do you juggle things then with working because your job's like really right every day's random it's really really random how are you juggling all that well you know I have some champagne yeah Tuesday at 11 a.m why not um it's hard you know it's hard it is it is hard but you know we we somehow survive um and then you know we we are going on holiday um which I'm looking forward to we are um going to my mother-in-law's house in turkey which is lovely and is she going to be there yes she will be there so extra help that's extra help but also you're in someone else's house yeah and there are rules stuck to the kitchen fridge like rules that don't work with children no running no shouting like that doesn't work she needs to take the rules off the fridge i feel like she should be a guest on the show actually um she's you know she's wonderful don't get me wrong but when you're on holiday with your kids I mean I don't know about you but I kind of let certain rules slip because you're on holiday you know bedtime routine isn't the same time because you think well you know you'll have a bit later because we're on holiday it's fine and have you found that for the summer holidays as well or is this like for you purely on holiday a bit of both really I'm struggling with that yeah yeah like I kind of but then it's kind of getting them back into the usual routine before school that's that's hard so it's kind of like you let it let the rules go a little bit yeah then you have to get it back and then you're like what have I done um but yeah so rules kind of go out the window a little bit when we're on holiday especially when you're abroad yeah um I think I think you know as mom's as well just went like oh it's fine you know I'm just gonna sip this rosé on the balcony whilst kids can just unlock the door yeah you know you see where the the soundproof glassware it's like just shut it that's what I want to do with my kids nine o 'clock in the morning at home yeah exactly I'm really struggling with my nine-year-old just not wanting to go to bed he seems to see it as like a punishment absolutely it's like a hormonal thing but I think he's just maybe being a little you know oh I want to sit up with you and I'm like we've had the whole day together like I've spent a lot of time with you yeah normally yeah well I put my five-year-old to bed and then I could hear her in my room basically doing like cartwheels in my bedroom um whilst I'm trying to like read with my nine-year-old downstairs and I go upstairs and And I'm like, she's literally rolling on my bed doing Arab Springs.

5:37Hannah:And I'm like, we've put you to bed. What are you doing? So she went back to bed. And then she comes down later. And she's like, she's like, mommy, I don't want to get old. I don't want to get to 40. And I'm like, that's not old. That's not old. And she's like, but I don't want to get old. I'm like, you know what? We'll talk about this in the morning. And then my 13-year-old, who basically just doesn't want to talk to me ever, came downstairs and he was like, let's talk about life. I was like, how about we do that tomorrow morning? yeah or during the whole day that i've got with you yeah my husband's like the thing is it's becoming a problem with our nine-year-old not going to bed because he's like when are we going to do rudy's hey chicago class it up with crocs you know back to school is coming in fast so why wait to find your new fave footwear step into a local croc store and step into your new look try it style it make it yours because the right pair doesn't just show up it shows off first day fits handled walk out ready for whatever's next visit your nearest croc store today so i'm like bradley do you want to stay up a bit longer bradley come and sit with me oh it's bedtime come on yeah yeah you don't like you say you don't get that time not that i'd want that time to be doing Rudy's at that time of night I'm tired I am tired would you like to explain to people listening who may not know what Rudy's is you know like Rudy Doody's with your partner oh right I thought you meant a restaurant oh like literally Rudy's you know the windmill comes out like you have when you have a bath and a bottle of wine the flap and your husband comes in and does the flap um when you're on holiday you did an amazing sketch on Instagram which I loved basically the norm the you know the reality of going on holiday we spend thousands of pounds going away to sit in the bathroom drinking wine and warm wine because you haven't upgraded the room to have a mini fridge because you've had to pay for extra beds in the room you're all in the same room you're knackered because you're hot and dehydrated because your kids have been drinking out of your water bottles all day you've been at the beach you're covered in sand you've got hair like everywhere and sand everywhere and you're just like do you know what let's just sit in the bathroom and drink wine together and then we can argue about who's more tired then go to bed and Not do any Rudy's because the kids are in the same room.

7:55Exactly.

7:56Hannah:Exactly. And when we went on holiday last year, my husband has this amazing ability to just fall asleep on the beach, even though we've got the three kids there. And I'm like, you don't stop parenting when you're on the beach. Like we're still, they're still here. There's water there. That's danger. Yeah. And there's three of them. And we're all running off in different directions and he's asleep. How is he that relaxed to get himself into a state? I don't know. I don't know. Is it the heat or? I don't know. But I actually threw like a bucket of water on him and then blamed it on the kids. And I was like, you cannot fall asleep on the beach.

8:34Hannah:I can't be in charge of all these little people. No, no. Like, what if I just suddenly fell asleep? Well, you can't because you're a mum. You can't. I can't even, I can't switch off. I can't even read a book. Who are these? I want to know who these mums are that will take a book and be able to read on a plane and be like oh we did four chapters how I can't even read the menu on a plane because my daughter's probably thrown it on the floor somewhere but I don't know how how that happens or maybe they don't drink wine in the bathroom and they sit there and read books in the bathroom because there's nowhere else to go on holiday because if you sit outside you're going to get bitten by mozzies well that's true I did get um I've had a few messages from people that have bought my book and they've literally said I bought your book a year ago I've got to chapter two and I'm like keep going keep going keep going keep going um also like the whole airplane situation with kids yeah flying with kids is stressful yeah under a certain age really really hard work yeah um and again you've got I don't know about you but my husband will fall asleep on the plane as we're taxing to take off he's asleep be sure this isn't like epilepsy or i mean maybe it is maybe it's actually a medical condition and you're doing what i did to my husband about his appendix and just said do you need a poo and no your appendix is ruptured and you're literally poisoning yourself and you're like it just falls asleep everywhere and i'm like what is it but then it's actually a medical condition but he does what he seems seems to wake up when the air stewardess says chicken or beef then he's like oh i'll have the chicken please but yeah oh so you can hear that yeah but you can't hear me saying guys stop kicking the chair stop touching put your seat belt on no you can't have another snack he doesn't hear that but chicken or beef he can hear that oh boring Elle and then they always give you don't they on the planes it's like two for 12 on the gin and it's like who's having essentially four shots of gin at 7am me my husband yeah it's been a fortune on that plane yeah today we are thrilled to welcome to the podcast a powerhouse in both stand-up comedy and improv of it's the incredibly talented rachel parrott thank you so excited you're here i'm very excited to be here how are you what's been going on i'm all right um i what have i been doing um just normal life things really i wrote a book busy yeah i'm not gigging as much as normal which feels strange because i i've got my author hat on at the moment i wrote you've you've written a book i've written a book and i've got a three-year-old and i've got a three-year-old and i've got two stepkids yep and how old are the stepkids they're now 20 and 23 right can they do they help with you can't borrow them it's that old child care thing like the parents group is like does anyone know any good babysitters yeah yeah of course i'm not going to tell you though yeah i need them yeah yeah i did the stupid thing of giving my babysitting number out to other parents don't do that again don't do it what a rookie mistake stupid absolutely stupid anyway anyway yes uh they're great at babysitting and um they're mine no one else is i'm not giving that number so you've got a three-year-old yes and how is that you're are you in the depths of three-nager or is your son all right yeah he's he's great i would say we're very lucky to have generally a very happy three-year-old he's nearly four oh but he definitely is starting to do the three nature stuff this morning what was it this morning that I did wrong oh yeah we've got um we made him like banana pancakes and we've got maple syrup in just a free pour thing and he wanted to pour it himself and obviously he can't yeah like I like helped him and didn't really let him do it himself and wow he started crying oh yeah that's just like a lay down on the floor kind of yeah he he took himself off actually like he started crying and then he said he didn't want them and he didn't want anything to drink and he left and he went over to the sofa and just lay down and it took about 20 minutes to coax him back and then we said you can pour it yourself this time which was probably a mistake and he literally as if to like really like shove it to us he basically just went wow like jackson pollocked it all over the kitchen and we were like this is why you can't do it and if you're yourself maybe 10 years ago looking in what type of parent did you think you were going to be in comparison to what the type of parent that you are now that's an interesting question because i am keen for him to be musical trying not to be like that that parent yeah you know shoving him into it i think he will need to learn it not from me because i think it's really like if I wanted to teach him the piano or singing or anything I think you're not best placed as a parent to like do that because they're like oh it's just mummy uh but I'm like do you want to have a go darling on the piano the piano's just there isn't it sit down sit down though don't bang it no not like that it's like they they I heard or I've seen myself that kids copy what you do yes rather than what you say yeah yes so if you and I'm sure you are at the piano just even if you say even if you say don't play the piano they'll want to do it kids always do what you tell them not to do so yeah yeah so hopefully he'll just like absorb the idea of yeah being musical through the house and how how um more how much of a challenge do you think it'll be to kind of guide him down a route that he wants to go down because obviously yourself and your husband are so talented you've done you've achieved so much in your careers both of you and the improv the the stand-up route is that something that you'd like him to go down or I don't because I imagine your household is hilarious and that you're sat with your husband having banter all the time yeah and your son's just gonna feed off that yeah is that the case no no no it is a funny household but I don't think that us doing that for a job means that at home we're funnier than any other household do you know what I mean yeah I think that people can be really funny in real life yeah um just because they don't do it for a living so yeah we do have loads of fun in the house but it's not like we have the same seriousness the same problems and the same arguments and everything one of your um sketches or one of your shows that you did was the song about the kids and like your kids are you know they can be heads and wear a condom john which was my god absolutely brilliant old yeah so that was you've gone through that was before you had billy yeah that was like in my 20s wasn't it i mean i don't know you look the same now i'd forgotten that line you literally still look the same now oh bless you that's like wear a condom john wear a condom john it's brilliant absolutely i had literally forgotten that line till you said that that's very funny i mean it's the meme itself well done me 15 years ago um was that the song no i shouldn't have children i'd break them i'd leave them on the bus yeah that was one of my first songs that i ever wrote and it's and you wrote that before you were a mother yeah but you you were still had the right you you got it's almost like you knew what was to come because it basically that's how we feel anyway like i'm gonna leave them on the bus yes well i didn't in my 20s yeah yes that song was very genuine like no i shouldn't have children i thought it was very unlikely that i'd have the ability to be a responsible parent so it's very true i don't think any of us even do with children do we no i don't think anyone's really really set up as in like you you never really know what it's like to be a parent until you become one totally and then you're like oh wow okay this is what everyone's talking about i know i was just saying that last night actually yeah i had a friend of mine around and i was just saying like it was i don't think i was good with children till i had my own yeah oh i was terrible that's it i didn't have like the maternal instinct i was never that person at school that like wrote like their kids names down their future kids I didn't have any of that I didn't have like you know other people like just playing with them doing the voices like I couldn't do that and then I had Billy and I was like oh I can do that now now I know how to do it although I still find it hard to do it with other people's children and you guys met um Edinburgh Fringe right yeah yeah we met through improv um at the Edinburgh Fringe and just on the improv comedy circuit generally it's quite it's quite an incestuous little circuit everyone knows everyone everyone is in different groups with everyone so I find that really interesting that you kind of have the two sides where you're like you know when we're at work there's that version of us but then when we're at home there's that different version you make that quite clear that that's quite different because you just presume that yeah someone that is a comedian and being on the telly on telly on telly at the Apollo you know that kind of thing it's like you go home and be like yeah with your jazz hands and dropping the meanest the school run I mean you guys must have this as well like the difference between me going to school in the morning I mean I couldn't look worse I go like hair just matted hair yeah bedraggled face dark circles like wearing if I can get away without wearing a bra then I won't like in winter you just put on a massive coat oh yeah and just the worst you are describing 99 % of the population and then you're not alone the contrast of like the jobs that I do sometimes I'll go from a job in the day straight to the school run to pick up or I'll be going from pick up straight to a job and I will be in full television glam like hair this big massive bright bold outfit heels and the mums and dads are like wow you look nice and I'm like I know it's because it's what I take them three hours yeah yeah oh Billy they all know what you do yeah yeah billy said to me um he's very cute when he was little when i occasionally would have the makeup on he'd go you look beautiful mummy which is so cute but the other day he said sorry it was so it was so confronting i had like the full glam i had this sort of like black dress linky black dress on and like full makeup for a job and he looked at me and he went who are you and he's three he's three years old oh I love that what did you say I don't do you not know who I am I think I'm flattered by that actually who are you who are you which I'm glad because it means that he associates me more with the normal yeah yeah looking like everyday mum you know and I'm glad I'm glad he thinks of me more in that yeah that is what I am 99 % of the time but you are like so talented even with your ostentatious tour oh yeah thank you and it's all improv yes how and you even you even ask the audience don't you to kind of like get involved as well so when you're on stage like say if you've had a bad night's sleep for example over any moments you're like i have nothing i have nothing in the bank you never have nothing if anything you have too much really that's what's harder oh really you never have nothing or on the trying to think maybe once in a blue moon like once a year you might have nothing but you're surrounded by people who have loads right so bounce off each other that's quite nice actually if you have nothing there's less um there's less to do because they've got an idea and all you have to do is go along with it and help them build it which is lovely it's like the funnest thing ever i think it was get the life and do you prefer that to stand-up comedy yes oh do you have to be so polished with stand-up and yeah you're repeating your set and practicing and finally tuning everything where i guess it must be quite liberating doing improv where you can just go with the moment and whatever's happening there in your mind it is like i probably should have feigned more of a struggle there of like oh they're both so great i don't know i love all the aspects of my person i do i do love stand-up of course like it's really nice to own the moment 100 yourself like if you get a big laugh you got that laugh all by yourself you wrote it you performed it that's yours you have to graft for it you have to graft for it you guys should talk because hannah's got her own stand-up show coming out next year yeah but it's the thought of um i'm actually quite nervous about it already next year I think I've got about 40 dates but it's the thought of how am I going to get the kids ready how am I going to get my husband ready and then leaving he'll have to do the bedtime routine and yeah you know what it's like when you gig you put the kids to bed and you have to go out and do a stand-up comedy gig in the back room of a pub somewhere yeah and it's to not your audience but you're desperate to have to practice and run material out and it's like it eats into your evening you have a late night if the kids are up in the night and you're up the next day for work.

21:08And sometimes you think, is this really worth it? How many kids have you got? Three. Three. I mean, it's a different world.

21:14Hannah:That is harder. Okay, Rachel, you are the queen of improv. And Hannah, you're a comedy queen. I have a little game for you to see how quick-witted you both are. No pressure. A challenge. You've shifted in your seat. I have. I'm getting ready. I already have a mic. So I've got a few funny relatable parenting scenarios. I just want to see what you would come back with. we don't have like a buzzer I'd be like me first we'll just make the noise we'll go right first one your three year old just covered your newly painted wall with permanent marker right before guests arrive oh god dum dum dum join up all of the trawling join up all of the bits that he's made into a sort of deliberate mural oh like Picasso like a Picasso would you say that it's Picasso he came to your house yeah I'd try is Picasso still alive I don't know no No, no.

22:06And he was awful.

22:07Hannah:Yes. Let's not get into that. My daughter, I think I said this in another episode, she got a Sharpie pen and drew her moustache on her face. Oh no. During my husband's 10 year wedding anniversary party. And we were just like, you know what? You can have that. I'm going to enjoy this party. Yeah. Hannah, to you. What would I do in that situation? I'd probably get the sofa out of the house and just go on a reputable website and get next day delivery for a new one. That's kind of the level of parenting that I'm at, where it's like I don't have time just throw money at a situation yeah yeah I don't have time to be dealing with that yeah and it would yeah yeah that's what I do your teen has just declared they're going to a party and you suspect otherwise where are they going that's fun that's worse than a party I'm like to a party what kind of party who's gonna be there where would they go oh god teens at the moment teens i'm like begging them to have fun i'd be like go and have the best time break some rules yes open up the drinks cabinet do what i would do get a little bottle we called it mix we'd get a bit of each of every spirit put it in eating's cheating don't eat anything unless you have half a double decker at lunchtime because you hang Marvin and then you'd neck it drink it and then where we used to have this these parties that we used to the community hall there was like glass floor to ceiling on one side facing the road and we'd all go behind the curtain which was facing the road like snogging all the boys in the air and our parents would drive past and be like that's my daughter and then we'd be like for the rest of the evening get sent home it's like but you kind of would be in a field somewhere and you're there's no phones your parents had no idea what we did what you think of how much fun we had we had so much so drunk the number of shots of It's vodka that I could consume as like a 16-year-old.

23:58Hannah:Like the gut rot. And there was no ID in clubs and pubs. And smoking. I smoked. Yeah, same. I used to stand outside shops and ask strangers if I gave them money, can you go and buy me like 10 B &H? Yeah. And some, what was it called? Something like Diamond White? Yeah, Diamond White. Oh, God. And White Lightning. White Lightning, Euro Brew. And the local shop named me to sell something called Flampagne. Oh, my gosh. which was vinegar in a bottle yeah basically was but yeah we did all of that we did all the hooch and wkd i would go to the party yeah like yeah yeah we'll drive you there yeah we'll drink with you yeah i'll be like who are the dads that are gonna be there i'll be going for a little chat and have some hooch with them right we'll move on for the next one you are giving birth and your partner marcus decided that this is the perfect time to try out his new stand-up material oh my Oh my God.

24:53It just, he wouldn't be alive. He would not be alive. What was he like in labor? He was, he was amazing. He was absolutely amazing. And it was like, as so many are, it was really traumatic and he was terrified all the way through. There was actually this, this golden, a few hours in the middle of it where everything was going really well, where they took me to um the the pool the warm pool and there was like glowing lights and they give me um things to smell like aromatherapy they wafted claris age in front of me oh wow and yes i was still having contractions but it was lovely oh wow but the start of it and the end of it was a nightmare and um yeah it was like that was just i remember this is like oh so this is what birth and then all of a sudden you're sniffing say in the water yeah yeah yeah get her out no he was amazing he would i can safely say he would never have done that he um he read the room he read the room yeah that's well done him about you hannah oh my husband um will openly admit his his banter locker is sometimes quite empty so if my husband started doing stand up to me i'd be like babe this is incredible this is amazing i love it keep going keep going just be like write it down yeah write it down don't forget notes in my phone jesse did that when i was um in labor and on the gas and air which i loved yeah by the way um i didn't realize i was saying all sorts of stupid

26:23Hannah:things and my husband was like on his phone and i was like get off your phone i'm in labor and he was like i'm actually writing down what you're saying it's hilarious i need to get that list out actually but i do remember there was like 10 minutes after i'd given birth and you know when you're getting stitched up and like you have one leg up here and I had the gas now I was like and I was like oh my god I think the doctor's just repeating himself and they were like Hannah sorry do you want to just I think you've had enough gas in there now and like they weren't stitching me at that point but I started to like hallucinate and I was like like really inhaling it it's like the baby was birthed a while ago shall we shall we just take that off you and yeah I've had composite bonding and I was like biting on the thing they were like can we just pull it you have to let go yeah I remember um this is visceral but I mean birth is isn't it but I remember in the end they had to give me a they were prepping me for emergency cesarean then in the end it wasn't a cesarean um but they gave me a spinal um and I was so relieved I didn't have gas in air but I felt high from how relieved I was because it had been the pain had been yeah obviously tormenting and having that pain go away gave me this like ridiculous calm and delightful feeling and they were like it was very near I was going to push him out and they said actually Rachel they were down there I was up here they were like um we're um we think we're not going to cut you we think it's not going to be necessary and I went that's fine I don't care and then three seconds later they went we are going to cut you Rachel we're going to cut you and I went that's fine I hate it that's like at that point anything they could have anything at all get the baby here just get the baby get the baby here safely right three year old Billy yeah has somehow managed to unlock your phone and is now live streaming your home workout session to a family WhatsApp workout session to the family WhatsApp that would be funny and depends what you're wearing as well so if you've got those beige knickers and the beige bra out doing it in the living room you know you don't want anyone to see I don't know if you saw during COVID when everyone was doing home schooling and home everything was home and there was a zoom call that a kid logged on to and there was a mum in the background basically in her underwear doing a workout just casually oh my god that must have happened so much yeah the team session yeah oh oh my god yeah I wouldn't enjoy that because I do do I do like workout sessions online yeah home in my bedroom and because you can just log into the zoom like 30 seconds before and it's with a my friend who's like a personal trainer and she just takes me as I am like she's so good she's a mom and she specializes in workouts for like busy moms and she's so good and I will turn up and be like can't find my sports bra anywhere and I'll be like I'm just gonna put two bras on and we just can't do anything up here and I'll be like you just can't don't look at this and when it's really hot I'm like I'm just gonna wear pants is that all right whatever you need absolutely so I wouldn't be thrilled if you know my my son actually did do that to me we went to my other son's football match and my elder son was like can I take your phone because he wanted to like get some snacks from the shop and he used my apple pay and I was like that's fine and he was gone for ages and I was like this is weird and then when he came up to me he handed me my phone and then I realized that he was live on Instagram oh Christ and there was thousands of people watching and he had done it it's actually on my instagram on my account oh my god she kept it up because like the thing is when you go live on instagram you you i well maybe there's a way i don't know about but you can't save the video you have to post it to see the video yes and i i needed to see what he had done because i was like what if you've said something or done something and cancelled me completely um but the video was fine but luckily when he came up to me to give me the phone luckily I was quite calm yeah I could have been like you yeah that's my phone and um and when and the my followers were like kind of saying in the in the comments like yeah go and find your mom see what she does if she does and I was like you cannot take my phone and go live oh my god that terrifies me terrifies me so now I'm just like no no and all my kids know my pin number on my phone which I probably should change but yeah maybe that was a parenting fail Oh God, yes.

30:47Yeah. I mean, so many. I think TV generally, I love watching TV and films and I find it hard to make it something that's bad for my son, like, because I just think it's really nice and there's so much good TV and film. but I do I remember at the 30-month assessment which which is a ridiculous thing do you remember they've got all the tick boxes at the 30-month assessment and they were like oh can he put three words together to form a sentence and I was such an I was like uh no he can put five together thank you yeah take because I've taught him yeah just write that down will you yes um and they were like can he thread beads onto a string and I was like I've never seen it happen but probably i should think that sounds like the kind of thing he would do yes yeah and then at the end of it i remember she said run me through an average routine for you and billy and i said oh um well uh you know get up in the morning have breakfast maybe go to the sandpit or the park lunch watch a few cartoons start the bedtime routine she said that all sounds fine we do say to all new parents try to limit tv time to about half an hour per day and i was like what are you kidding me has she seen all the julia donaldson programs on tv now we can go back to that with them yeah that yes half an hour half an hour per day for no for a two-year-old no like billy at this stage is watching like two full-length disney feature films before leaving for nursery absolutely so i think tv i think tv is probably is probably my downfall because i just i just i just love it I love watching it with him.

32:26And also, it can be really entertaining and educational. Yeah, they do say, like, the difference is watching it with them as a communal experience. Yeah. Which I genuinely enjoy, like, quite a few of his programmes. I quite like Octonauts. Obviously, I like Bluey. Yeah. Preacher Cases.

32:41Hannah:Do you ever watch Miss Rachel? No, I haven't done Miss Rachel. I know of her. You could be the Miss Rachel for adults. Yes. Yes. Like Mass Report vibe. Yes. Yes. Yes. Absolutely. Gentle parenting about politics. No, Miss Rachel, the kiss one. She's, she's a...

33:23Visit your nearest Croc store today.

33:27Hannah:She's great for kids. Yeah. I find it quite irritating. She's got the standard kind of gentle voice, hasn't she? Yes. And it's... Very slow and very careful. Yeah. And after a while you're just like... I can't do it. I can't do this. But great, the kids love it. Yeah. And I genuinely think, and again, I think this is generational, that like films are quite quite a good thing for attention span yes if they can sit through i remember i was quite pleased when billy was able to sit through all of frozen as opposed to 15 minutes of frozen like when he reached that age i was like ah okay so now we can watch films with you and you can take in an entire story and yeah it is it's wonderful it's really nice i like it but i definitely do it too much because i'm knackered and i'm like can we just sit and watch tv be so i had a um it was a anti-fail um like basically i used to teach a man to swim and he was a bit rough and ready used to be flirty i was sorry sorry you used to teach a man how to swim yeah because i was a swimming coach back in the day i'm learning so much about you anyway he was he was a bit rough and ready and he used to ask for private lessons with me and um he used to get in these like with these budgie smugglers in the pool so many red flags so many red flags and I didn't see them because I was in my 20s and I was desperate for money and you earned more for a one-to-one lesson yeah and it was like supervised at the pool and he said to me he's like if you want any knock-off DVDs I can get them for you so I was like okay so he gave me this printout I highlighted loads of them because it was great one of them being Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs great so um my friend's kids came around and I was like oh should I put Snow White oh no oh no so i put it in it was a porno oh shut up and they were like you're doing that and then they just started dancing and i was like oh my god but you know for that split second i was like why's why it's like flopsy and snow white had a great time so yeah i was like i'm so sorry Snow White bangs the same tall.

35:37And these kids were like, what's going on? Yeah. But they were all pornos. So I got like 25 DVDs. I love that he thought that you highlighted 20 or 30 porn films that you were keen on watching that you chose. I was like, oh my God, you can get all of these. And he was like, yeah, all of them. I can get anything that you want. And I was like, and then he kept saying like, do you want any others? Were the titles the same? Like Snow White and the Seven Dulles, not like Snow White bangs the same tall. Like Cinderella. I mean, I put Cinderella on my mum nearly. Oh my God. nearly gave herself a hernia when she saw that i was like this is really these are not kids films so i get when i put things on sky i'm always like if i download something like you double check is it for children oh my god you know there's that person checking out of a hotel and it's like did you watch anything and you know that they've had a great night you know doing whatever to themselves on the bill any more parenting fails um i mean I'm the daughter of a hairdresser and let's just say I didn't inherit her skills I did used to try and cut Billy's hair when he's been we've got pictures and it looks like um they called castellations like when in a castle when it goes like it's amazing how bad I've made it actually unintentionally unintentionally bless him um oh bless him we need to see a picture if you've got

36:59Hannah:it's a good thing that hair grows isn't it yeah thank god and it sort of looked cute because he looked like a little urchin um but speaking of urchin like he's obviously potty trained and can poo in a toilet and everything and normally does but on the way back from school with some of the other mums going to the park the other day he just out of nowhere was like i've got to poo now right now and i was like oh you can't we're in the street down i haven't got i didn't have any wet wipes or anything and he did and i had to hold him and he pooed on the street and it's the street where all the parents live as well of course it is and it was so big it was like the emoji it was like the poo emoji it's so bad and I had nothing on me so one of the mums was like do you want me to run down the street into my house and get you some stuff and I was like yes anything you can think of thank you and I was like can you just and I couldn't why I had nothing to wipe him with and I was like right you just stand there I suppose stand there with your bum out all covered and I'll um I'll just guard the poo and I was like I can't send him away to deal with it because he's got a pooey bum she came back with some mad stuff I mean I think she was panicking there was like an entire roll of kitchen roll three packets of wet wipes rubber gloves and like plastic back like serious industrial plastic bags and I sort of scooped it up with the kitchen roll and put it in um a bag it was a bit like a horrible version of the generation game yes um I got in a plastic bag put tied the plastic bag up used the wet wipes on myself and then on him anyway we we got there it was all sort of more or less more or less cleaned up I sort of put some wood mulch on top of it to try and cover it up that I found but apparently for the rest of time that was a few months ago her son now when they go down the street to school when they see a massive dog poo she goes oh watch out for the dog poo and he goes that's not a dog poo that's billy oh no billy on the street again oh that's gonna last oh billy oh billy i love the fact she got like a bag for life the gloves the kitchen roll it's like it's so serious it's the kids like that age where they're just like baby's arms coming out and you think oh my god like are you okay your body yeah it's good good healthy poo yeah i love your tolerance for talking about bodily functions and poo is like so high at this age like oh yeah yeah there's nothing that would disgust me no this age no all dignities kind of goes oh yeah as soon as you're in labor and then it continues yeah i was gonna say does it ever come back i guess you know if we're fortunate one day to have grandkids and stuff it will always be like yeah i i'll find myself going i had to do that with you yeah you used to do that yeah yeah all the time i guess it does a bit i guess when you're 15 year old himself you'll be like a bit grossed out yeah like that shouldn't happen that shouldn't happen yeah how much try not to how much diamond white did you have last night exactly come on uh rachel absolutely delight to have you here i feel like we need a part two there's so much i haven't talked about the step kids haven't talked about lockdown i know you didn't mention that you've been stealing makeup from what your stepdaughter yeah my stepdaughter she's 20 she's got better makeup than me.

40:12So you've been stealing it from her. She's moved on. She left a few little bits behind. But maybe she thought she'd come back for it at some point. She's not coming back for them. Well, we'll have to have you back then.

40:22Hannah:Yeah, we will. There's so much more to talk about. I'll put what they are in a link in your show. Thank you so much for being here. Thank you. We've loved it. Absolutely loved it. Thank you. Rachel Perry. Thanks, guys. Thank you so much for tuning in to today's episode. We hope you've enjoyed the conversation and taken away something valuable, like how bad we are at everything sometimes. And don't forget to subscribe, share the podcast with your friends, leave us a review. And follow us on social media for updates, behind the scenes content. And until then, bye. Bye.

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