Hannah and Louise can’t stop laughing at THIS! | No Parental Guidance

0:00Coming up. Oh, oh, oh, oh, I mean, I can see why. Once I was in a club and this guy said to me, went, yeah, do you want to show me a growler? Are you kidding? And I was like, absolutely not.

0:12Hannah:Can you imagine if you're like, okay, here it is. Oh my God, do you want to see it? Oh, thank you so much for asking.

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1:07Hannah:Now at McDonald's, a McDouble is$2.50. So you can get your gym gains on. Or just get lunch. For only$2.50. Get more value on the under$3 menu. Limit time only. Prices and participation may vary. Prices may be higher for delivery. Hi, good morning. We're so silly, aren't we, Louise? So silly. Oh gosh, right. I'm ready for our therapy session. I need the therapy session today. I really need the therapy session today. I'm hanging on by a thread, Louise. I think we all are. Yeah. Yeah. Have you got any fails? Oh, yeah. I just, I feel like I'm not winning at parenting. That's probably quite negative.

1:47But yeah, having like been on tour, been away from the kids, grandparents have been very lucky. Grandparents have been stepping in to help out and, you know, feeding them Cocoa Pops for breakfast, Nutella on toast, jam sandwiches and crisps and chocolate bars. I bet your kids are loving it. Remnants of Easter eggs. And the house is a tip. And then when I come home, it's like they I walk through the door and they just totally misbehave high on sugar and then they're just playing up because so I feel like they punish me yeah and when I'm away working and doing my shows I feel guilty because I absolutely love it and I'm in a room with women that like are appreciating the angle of parenting that I'm mocking and pregnancy birth all that kind of stuff but then I feel guilty that I'm away and I'm not putting them to bed and then if I'm away for like two nights I come home and they're just they're not behaving the way that they did when I left yeah and it's like I don't know if they're playing up to me or if they're just out of a bit of a routine but I'm struggling with it I'm really struggling and you're not alone I mean I've I've

2:56Hannah:been to the same if I go away for work come back yeah and um especially my youngest she'll turn into like this awful devil child and then like my mom or Jesse who's been looking after her be like gosh it's not been like this all day and like great so it's me it's me then i'm the problem like should i just go then because i'm not helping anything and it and it's really sad because you want to come back and you want to see your kids and embrace and like you know snuggle and just play happy families but then you're like oh i'm back now and they're like no bitch you've been away so i'm gonna punish you yeah 100 yeah and you're like oh great i came back to this yeah and that's why i love coming here so we can talk about it and hopefully make other women parents listening feel seen heard normal the fact that even questioning it means you're a great mom because you care which it's good that's that's kind of sometimes just what you need to hear isn't it that's like literally as a mom you just think oh am I doing it right and for someone to go well you care so yeah you're doing all right yeah if you didn't care I think if you question if you're a good mom then you care yeah so then you're a good mom oh I'm fucking great then my parenting fail was um I mean I sobbed in the car oh my god I feel myself like tearing up now I'm not going to cry but it was the first time that my eldest son who's almost 14 went on a school trip really really far away and um I took him to the airport and I wanted to be like the call mum you know because he was also much like mum just stay over there and you know don't don't look at me don't talk to me just be there and so we had a little hug like in the car park we said our goodbyes in the car parks and I gave him a massive hug so we didn't have to do it in front of everybody anyway so get to the airport and everyone's there and we're there on time and I feel really organized everyone's checking in to their flight and I was like I might just go now and kind of just let him do his own thing and go.

4:51Hannah:And we're texting each other and I'm like, can I go? And he's like, yeah, yeah, go. And I was like, no, I'll just wait, I'll wait. Anyway, he goes to the check-in and he's not given a boarding pass and it just goes, er, er, Boyd. And he beckons me over and I'm like, oh God, okay, what's going on? He's like, mum, I can't get my boarding pass. And I'm like, okay, I'll do it, I'll do it. And it doesn't happen. In the meantime, everyone else is getting their boarding passes and they're going through. Oh, my God. And panic starts to set in. Yeah. And I'm checking the passport. That's all fine. And it's a problem with the visa.

5:31Hannah:And they're like, do you have a visa? I was like, I do have a visa. And, you know, the panic. Yeah. And I'm getting sweating and I'm trying to like remain cool and calm in front of my son. While all his school friends are going. They're all going. They're all going. Everyone's starting to like less and less people are around like the kiosks. And I can see Basil being a bit like, mum, what's going on? It's really embarrassing. Like what's going on? And can I go on the trip? And I'm like, I think so. I don't know. So I get my email out and there's the visa and it's all there. And I'm like, the visa's here.

6:01Hannah:It's here. And there's the passport. It's like, what's the problem? Like, it's all fine. And no one knows what's going on. No one knows. And in the meantime, there's still no boarding pass. And the time's ticking away and, you know, a panic. And my son, bless him, he was just mortified. Anyway, the staff at Heathrow, who were brilliant, had to call the Canadian embassy in Canada and try and figure this out. And what I had done... Oh, Louise, had you done something wrong? I did. So when I was filling out his visa, instead of putting his nationality as British, I said that he was British Columbian.

6:40Oh, Louise. Oh, Louise. And it was flagged.

6:45Hannah:And they were just like, so that was the problem. Got it sorted. He got his boarding pass. And Basil, bless him, was disgusted with me. Like, how dare you mess this up? You had one job. And I was like, actually, I didn't have one job. I was doing a million things at the time. I remember when I was doing the visa, I had the laptop open. I was doing that. I was cooking dinner. I was answering messages on my phone. I was giving a snack to someone. And, you know, there were so many things I was doing at the same time that I just I just saw British. I was like, yeah, fine. And so then he kind of went off in a bit of a grump.

7:23Hannah:Oh, and you had to say bye to him and he was pissed off and left. Yeah. And I got in the car and I absolutely sobbed. Oh, Louise. Because one, I'd like just seen my son off on this trip. I'm not going to see him for a week. Really, really far away the first time. And then secondly, I embarrassed him. so much um that it yeah and I just sobbed oh I could cry now thinking about it oh and he's still away oh he's like you know what I'm not I'm not coming back oh god honestly and it's like the next level of parenting I've not experienced this whole airport see you later yeah I've not done that before yeah but what like what what do you do because when you were saying it then I'm sure of people listening as well would be going oh my god that's going to happen to me one day that I'm going to say bye to my child and then you think god the visas passport like you have that one job apart from to pay for the trip obviously and get you know back to the bag and make sure I've got everything they need and the spending money and all that but also um to wave them off and say bye and have that moment where it's like they are growing up growing up yeah and it's wonderful because they well he and you know everyone on the trip or who goes on these school trips they are learning to be more independent yeah and having these amazing experiences and and the crazy thing about motherhood is we are teaching our children how to live their own life but then i can't we can't live without them so we're kind of saying go off do your own thing but also it's it killed honestly that my heart the feeling oh heavy weight it's hard Louise it's hard like oh my god it really is it's because he's still away but the funny thing is oh god he'll be so grateful to you for the fact you've given him the opportunity to go with his friends can you imagine he'll have had the best time think back to your school trips when you were younger and you're like oh my god we had the best time the best time really immature laughing at the most ridiculous jokes you probably well the jokes i still laugh at now with my friends from school it's like they're the core memories made and he'll come back and probably be really grumpy and tired for about two weeks yeah and then um he'll look back and think do you know what i'm so lucky that i went on that trip yeah and you will laugh about that i know we will we will i just need to see him again and kind of yeah because he's um but i mean you know what's wonderful is you know i can track him on his phone i can see where he is i can see what you're spending his money on yeah um which is wonderful like our parents could never do that could they no no but it's funny because there were other mums at the airport who have done this before and i don't know any of the mums at secondary school because they're completely different you know i don't know them and i said to a couple of mums i was like is this your first time because like oh yeah oh it's really hard and i kind of wanted them to be like yes oh my god let's go get a coffee and they were just like no we've done this before it's fine but that's how i'll be when the other two do it yeah I'll be like yeah off you go see you later yeah when Inca goes you'll be like get a taxi to the airport yeah exactly do you ever like does your kid ever oh I'm sure it does but like if your kid does something quite naughty yeah but it's but it's quite funny and you're trying not to laugh because like you can't laugh like if they say something and you're like you can't and you can't laugh at that moment because they it's wrong and you're trying to look at them and go that's inappropriate like my middle child will dance and thrust his hips like he's in magic mic sometimes naked when people are walking past the house or he'll just i'll tell him off and he looks at me and he goes all right hannah krillman and calls me by my maiden name and then he'll be like like that and i'm like logan that is inappropriate like you should not be saying that and he's like yeah watch me and then he'll just like it's really bad because i find it hilarious and i try so hard not to laugh have you seen that program Last One Laughing you should be on that show you'd be brilliant on that show I watched it the other day and I don't think I've laughed so much at watching TV for a long time do you see it when it was Sam Campbell and David Mitchell did like a head to head challenge about what they proud of their most biggest achievements yeah it was so funny because no one else is allowed to laugh I think that's what makes it really funny and do you laugh when you watch it or are you also trying not to laugh.

11:44Hannah:I'm trying not to laugh. Yeah, it's weird, isn't it? Yeah, I try not to laugh, but I always do laugh. Yeah, we should do it. Okay. Should we give it a go? Okay. Okay. So why don't we talk about our parenting? This episode is brought to you by State Farm. You know, those friends who support your preference for podcasts over music on road trips? That's the energy State Farm brings to insurance. With over 19 ,000 local agents, they help you find the coverage that fits your needs. So you can spend less time worrying about insurance and more time enjoying the ride. Download the State Farm app or go online at statefarm.com.

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13:38Can that be a warm up? It's really hard. It's so hard. Okay, right. Let's start again. Okay.

13:51Hannah:I think I've cooked fish fingers every week for the last 13 years. for you or

14:02once when we're on holiday Bradley needed a poo and

14:12I told him to do it in Andy's hands

14:20basically Bradley needed a shit so I was like there's no nappy because he was like in the pool so Andy just held his hand out like that okay right you go

14:30Hannah:I found Olivia's cardigan from the whatsapp chat did you find Oscar's jumper?

14:42Hannah:yes where the fuck was it? I think I had it bitch

14:54Once I forgot to empty a Tommy Tippi bin before we went on holiday.

15:13Hannah:I got pulled aside at the school gates because my son had written on a piece of paper Go fuck yourself. And then I asked the teacher if he spelt it correctly. Did he? He did. Well done. My boys got in trouble for exposing their genitals at school. And I had to say, it'd be out of defence, maybe they learnt that from their dad.

15:53Hannah:My daughter managed to close the swimming pool. We can't move or walk away from each other, can we? No. You know, in the programme, I would get up now and walk away. Oh, yes, you are allowed to walk away. That does make it easier. Right, yes, so she managed to shut the entire swimming pool down. From eating all the fish fingers. and pissing in the pool. Yep. I took Logan swimming once and he said, I really need a wee. And I said, I've got a twitch there. Can you see it? I can see that. Can you see that? Yeah. Yeah. It just randomly comes and goes when I get excited. I get a runny nose and a face twitch.

16:40Do you see it? Oh my God, I've never seen that before. Has it gone? It's still there, isn't it? It's like suddenly you've got a dimple. I know. And then it'll stop. So I told Logan that he could wee in the swimming pool. And he proceeded to shout and tell me in front of the 14 other parents that he'd just urinated in the pool. And he, because I told him to. And I was like, wow. That's really embarrassing.

17:12Hannah:My husband said that he was tired. My husband said he was going to play golf.

17:21Hannah:My friend said that looking after a cat is hard work. I used to say that I'd love to have four children. I used to want five. I would have had five if I wouldn't have a prolapse. But it changes things when you split from your front bum to your back bum. Doesn't it? Severed Louise. Mm-hmm. It's like a joker smile down there.

17:53Nipple tassels don't look the same, do they, after three kids have hung off the areolas?

18:06Hannah:I was once class rep.

18:21Hannah:oh my god i'm actually sweating oh my god oh that is yeah that's brutal i know that we love chatting about our fails louise we do we have too many of them never our fault no never never never but we obviously love hearing everybody else's fails as well um certainly do and what makes me happy is the fact that you guys send in your fails to make because we love it. Oh my God, actually we're a bit more normal than what we thought. We are normal. Yeah, we're all in this together. I know, I love getting there. The DMs that come in are hilarious. And we haven't had a chance for a while to read some of them out.

18:56We get loads of them, so please keep them coming in because we howl laughing, don't we, at some of them.

19:00Hannah:And thank you for writing. And I love how a lot of them are anonymous. Yeah. That's my favourite bit as well. Do you want to go first or should I? You go, you start. Right, this one is from Sophie. So she said, I've recently got a new car, which unlike any I've ever owned before doesn't turn the music off when you open the door. Normally it's not an issue. I know where she's going to go with this one. This morning however I arrived at work halfway through the Adam K explains what's normal episode of your podcast. Oh I remember that episode. Oh my god. I pull up open the door and wander around to the passenger side to grab my stuff.

19:37As I open the door Adam launches into the chat involving colossal butt plugs at a volume that seemed much louder than it had done when it was just me listening echoing across the car park oh my god how embarrassing i work at the beach it's bank holiday monday the place is absolutely heaving with families dogs and surfers i feel really bad no i i mean i

20:01Hannah:remember that episode and what what a time to open up a door and for everyone to hear it oh yeah Because my car does that where you open the door, but the radio scene, I feel as if it goes up 10 knots to listen to it. Yeah. So when the kids are like, man, it's like we have to listen to Frozen. It's like, let it go. Let it go. But yeah, that's quite the fail. And I do apologize because, yeah, we did talk about butt plugs on that episode. If you haven't listened to it, make sure you do because that one was brilliant. It was brilliant. Right. What have you got, Louise? All right. So this one is from Anonymous.

20:38Hannah:He says,

21:04Hannah:just before we'd gone out earlier. Basically, the pee had got into the sockets behind the chest of drawers and caused the electorates to trip. Oh, my God. It goes everywhere, though, doesn't it? It goes everywhere. And, of course, they pee when you're changing a nappy because, I don't know. When it gets cold. I don't know, it's cold, yeah. It's like, oh, I'm going to pee now. Oh, no. So I wonder if she had to get out an electrician that costs some money or maybe it's just literally a matter of just switching the electric trips, which hopefully it's that. But yes, that's a brilliant fail. I remember when I had Bradley and someone said, I'll put a sock over his winky when he changes nappy because when you get cold air on it, he's just going to wee and it'll spray everywhere.

21:43And I was like, I'm sure it could be that much.

21:44Hannah:No, you know, you can buy like these. I think it's called like a wee wee teepee. Honestly, yeah. And it's like an actual like teepee that you put over the willy when you're changing your nappy. So that doesn't happen. I mean, I just always put my hand over it and pointed the willy down. Yeah, point Percy to the porcelain. But I did get it in my mouth once. But this fail, again, not really her fault. No. Unless she should have had a wee wee teepee. A wee wee teepee. That's brilliant. Right. The next one is from Jade. I have a tea and toast trauma story. Give it to me, Jade. Bear with the story.

22:21I recently went on a trip to Dublin with the girls. We rented an apartment, had a great time. We went to the shop to get some food for breakfast the next day. just to add I try not to eat wheat at home trying to eat clean these days anyway we got this lovely tiger bread and butter for breakfast yeah that's my favorite and I kid you not all night I was looking forward to breakfast the next day when I made myself some toast the next day I was in the kitchen and went to grab my tea and just then my friend walked in grabbed a slice of my toast and said I need it this looks beautiful the shock I had did she really just do this when she looked at me innocently laughing I just burst out crying and bless her she felt so bad and was like can we make some more which was absolutely true but I put in the put it in the toaster and buttered the toast and for someone to come in and take it with in was insane behavior later on the girls brought it up and I started crying again what is wrong with me fast forward I was listening to your podcast about Louise not getting tea and toast after she gave birth and it hit me why I was so upset back in Dublin.

23:23When I had my daughter four years ago, patiently waiting for my tea and toast, I knew how good it was going to be from when I had my son a few years before. When the nurse gave it to me and left, then my husband took the top slice. I remember being so shocked I couldn't speak. And he says, don't worry, I'm sure she'll bring you another slice if you ask. I didn't even respond and ate my one slice of toast, devastated. I couldn't speak to him for the rest of the day. We're now divorced and think I need therapy for the toast trauma great podcast ladies i laugh every week oh my god oh she has some serious tea and toast trauma i feel like we need to get to the studio and we just eat tea and toast 100