Hannah & Louise on bad language, morning sickness + your parenting fails revealed

0:00Hey friends, Olivia from OLLI. Between new routines and the ultimate group project known as parenting, you need science-backed solutions that work with your life. That's where OLLI comes in. Start your mornings off right with Maltese made to support nutrition and immune health. Choose from our lineup of gut-supporting probiotics, and we've got occasional sleep support to help the whole fam chase their big dreams. Head back to class with the number one gummy supplement brand. Stock up on OLLI.com today. These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease.

0:30Coming up, you're pregnant, aren't you? She in Stilton, watch her. Yeah, yeah, like, you're pregnant, aren't you? And I was like, no, I'm not pregnant. Have some pate then. Go on. You've not had a sip of champagne all day. The morning of my wedding, I was there literally with my flower on display to a man I didn't really know. Like, I am not a model and I've never had pictures taken really before. So I remember, he was like, did you just put your arm up? And it was like, awful. It was like mid-pidge and everything. You can see the parents kind of being like, come on, just sit here. and then you could have a Haribo and then we could get an ice cream and then we could go swimming whatever you want like take the f***ing picture.

1:11Welcome to No Parental Guidance. We have a bonus episode this week. So parenting fails I actually really enjoy this part of the show because you realise during the week how many we pick up yeah without realising it so Hannah over to you I'm very excited. So this one is from two and a bit years ago. My dad got an MBE. So he does lots of volunteer work. Incredible. He was going to meet. The queen had just passed away. He was going to see the king. And I found out the day before that I was pregnant with my third. And I wondered why I was projectile vomiting all the time. So I think I was like seven or eight weeks pregnant.

1:52We're in the queue at Windsor Castle and everyone's dressed up really smart. And do you know when you first find out you're pregnant? you're like really bloated and it feels like trapped wind but then you're like I don't know if it's trapped wind or if I'm actually going to vomit and we're in this queue for what felt like ages Emma Raducanu was stood in front of us looking like this absolute goddess and my dad I was like dad that's Emma Raducanu he's like who because he has no idea and he doesn't like tennis so it didn't mean anything to him um I said oh my god she looks amazing I was like I feel really like quite hot and I just I think I'm going to be sick and I told my dad that I was pregnant and he was to this um like a butler I was like excuse me I'm really sorry is it possible to have um a glass of water because you weren't allowed to take anything in there was no refreshments or anything there and he said oh um well we don't we're not we don't usually give drinks out but um you can have some water I was like I'm actually um pregnant and he was like of course no problem got me this glass I drank the water and I was like oh my god I think I'm gonna be sick and dad was like well there's no bloody toilet see and what like and then dad was getting called up and we're into this the fourth room out of 10 rooms and I was like so I literally like held the cup to my mouth and I was like and Emma Raducanu was just stood there my dad's waiting for this MBE and I was like but it was like um like it's a sick phlegm so you know when your kids are sent home from school and you're like was it sweet corn and carrots or was it a sick phlegm yeah because they're too different that's not like being sent home so um I vomited into a cup at Windsor Castle behind Emma Raducanu while my dad was waiting to get an MBE.

3:28Wow. And I felt like that was a bit of a parenting fail because Annabelle was literally like the size of a pea. I mean, that is, yeah, that is a parenting fail. As you literally find out, you are going to become a parent again. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. And I was like, is this the start of things to cook? What happened to the carp? Well, I kind of carried it for ages and then we're just waiting by the doors and they opened the door and I could see the king. Oh my God. This lady was like, excuse me, she's like, you can't take that in there. I was like do you want to take they might want to put that down the tap I was like it's just like I've just been a bit thick oh my god well you're not worried that you're going to puke at the king yeah I was but then I did that I was so proud of my dad so you know that like kind of look where you flare your nostrils and like if you've got any feelings they're visible and then all the pictures were taken and my dad was like made the king laugh um and he was talking to him it was amazing and the king started laughing they shook hands and in the background there's me like but holding my stomach because I didn't know if I was gonna like like myself I'll be sick oh my god yeah really proud moment though really proud well done well done to my dad brilliant to your dad but also that feeling of am I gonna be sick yeah and yeah and that yeah it feels like a hangover doesn't it you're gonna be sick with a hangover yeah constantly for like nine months oh yeah never stops so what's your parenting fail uh this happened last week and this parenting fail was not my fault and I've realized that there are some fails that are your fault and some that literally you just have to deal with it yeah um but it did become a bit of a it definitely looked like a parenting fail so and I do have full um I'm allowed to take to tell this story I did ask my friend if it's okay and she said it's fine and also as a disclaimer before I go on if you are listening to this with children around you I suggest you turn it off and listen to it without any small ears around um a friend of mine Laura she's just moved in with her boyfriend stew um really really happy for them um they decided to not have children but they have she laura has a cat and the cat is uh well my friend laura likes to say that the cat is hard work and i just want to punch her in the face because i'm like it's a cat yeah it's not hard work she's like it's as hard as children i'm like it's not it's not it's not babes but whatever yeah and i've got my children with me and um when we got to their house there was a card from stew to laura for their new house and it simply says the cat is a and my children can read and especially my five-year-old can now read and all those words are very easy words to read phonetically even the word yeah it's spelled phonetically yeah easy to read no confusion no confusion so my kids walk in and the first thing they see is this card and it's all and they can't stop staring at it it's almost like they know that it's wrong and it was written on the front of the card oh yeah no like in bright like it's a black card with right white big font and they are looking at it as if like you know it's almost as if Santa's holding it in Disneyland And it's like, and they're like, and then I'm like, oh, no, no, no, no.

6:39Let's turn that around, which of course I know then. Oh, well, that's that then. They know that it's bad. And. Hey friends, Olivia from Oli. Between new routines and the ultimate group project known as parenting, you need science-backed solutions that work with your life. That's where Oli comes in. Start your mornings off right with Maltese made to support nutrition and immune health. Choose from our lineup of gut-supporting probiotics. And we've got occasional sleep support to help the whole fam chase their big dreams. Head back to class with the number one gummy supplement brand. Stuck up on Nolly.com today.

7:10These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. And then my five-year-old. Oh, no. Mommy, what's the ****? I'm really sorry for the guy who's editing this. um and then I was in that moment of like do I say it's a nice thing like oh it's um it's a type of um cat it's a fluffy cat because then she might see a fluffy cat and go oh that's a so I was like I can't say that so I just had to say it's a really really naughty word that no one ever says even me saying it now I'm a bit like oh yeah so then um my daughter definitely likes to test me yeah and so you know we leave the house and I just say to my friend Laura like you could have maybe put that down yeah you know before we you know just FYI if any more children arrive at your house and she was like but the cats are fine when they see it yeah cat doesn't say yeah fine cats are not saying it to anyone in the supermarket exactly so um so then we're out and about and I can feel it I know my daughter and she's uh and also the word sounds very much like can't yeah right so now my daughter's like um mommy you can't you can't you can't you mommy you can't and I'm like I'm in public and I'm like I can't what darling she's like mommy you oh my god it was just awful and she kept saying it and I could see people kind of looking at me and I'm like she's saying can't it's can't but she knows she's winding me up she knows oh god this is horrendous so i haven't even told my husband this because he's just going to be like so i'm basically now i have to try and make out i don't know what to do it's really tough because there's so many words like that yeah where it's like either the kids can't say it so like you know stick man man and it's like or a stick it's like oh annabelle at school like what have you got in your hand and she was one she's like it's like that's probably one of the worst words yeah it's horrendous it's horrendous how do you you can't unteach it and you hope that she'll forget it but by her saying it more to you you'll get a reaction and then yeah I wonder if like listeners if they've got any words or any phrases that their kids say that is just so like misconstrued yeah so that was that was a parenting fail but wasn't my fault no it wasn't your fault wasn't my fault I also have a parenting triumph okay speaking of um bad language and kids not really getting it right knowing it my um my nine-year-old said uh to me the day goes like mum why do you keep calling dad a decade what's a decade I was like what do you mean it's like you keep calling dad a decade what is it and I was like a decade I was like a decade is 10 years but it's not decade I've been calling him how often all the time time probably for a decade yeah so as you know this is a safe space for parenting fails like nobody is perfect absolutely and we've shared our parenting fails and now it's time for you to share yours right we decided it was finally time for professional family photos after we had our third child of course i envisioned us in coordinated outfits think classic timeless effortless effortlessly chic so i picked out a theme navy and white with pops of plaid the photographer picked a spot in our local park under a tree it was giving wholesome vibes however this morning was not the one for our six-year-old he decided to have one of the biggest tantrums i've ever seen arching his back running away and rolling around in a slightly damp grass we tried coaxing him with ice cream toys distraction obviously ultimately our lovely family photos have him with a tear-stained red face and muddy clothes it was that moment i realized that trying to force perfection with young children is a fool's errand well actually I used to do I had a I used to be a family photographer did you not for long it was it was when I was like wasn't modeling because I was told I couldn't do it anymore because I became a mother um it was before I was online today and I was like I need to do something and having the history of being a model I kind of had an understanding of cameras and how you know how to take a good picture so I was like I'll go into family photography and it is stressful is it for both the photographer and for the family and what I've learned is the kids will never really do what you want them to do unless you have I mean I literally come I came up to with shoots with all the snacks all the props all the banter that you need I was basically a party entertainer as well as a photographer and you can see the parents kind of being like come on let's just sit here and then you could have Haribo and then we could get an ice cream and then we could go swimming whatever you want like all the braver you can have the whole of the Argos catalogue if you just sit still and smile and the thing is when you'll take like they I think kids think it's just one picture like click and then it's done but it's not because someone's looking over there someone's you know there's always something going on yeah exactly lots of fingers up noses um and it takes it takes a while and you can see like the mum and dad getting really sweaty they're like gruttering their teeth and like don't you can see they're gonna argue about it later it is really really tricky so i can relate and there's no real kind of like click your fingers and it's all sorted because it is stressful and we did a photo shoot for um for my mum we got all the grandchildren together like my sister's kids and my brother's kids all together absolute show what's that absolutely is that because they weren't behaving or because they weren't looking at the camera all of it everything all of it and then what we do we're like here have some haribo have some more haribo have some more haribo yeah and then they're like high on sugar and they're bouncing off the walls and and you're just like this is a disaster and bless the photographer she was just there going i don't really know what to do so in the end we were like you know what let's just capture the absolute chaos and we did and actually those were the shots I bet they were lovely pictures.

13:21But brilliant. Yeah, yeah. They're the ones who were like, well, that's real life. That's, you're not going to be like that in 10 years time. So all the kids are tw***ed and the parents are drunk. Yeah, yeah. With a capture. What a lovely picture. And then you yell at your kids, stand still, just take the f***ing picture. And then they're just like, oh, and they're like, oh, this is bad. All of it is bad. We mentioned this earlier, didn't we? We were saying you had a job yesterday and you had to get your kids to smile. And to do that, there's a fine line between gritting your teeth and be like, well you just smile for one picture because actually it's not one picture it's probably 20 pictures and if you tell them off too much they're gonna get the ugly cryer it's like like my eldest has got he's a gorgeous little boy i love him to bits but when he cries i cannot stop laughing because it's so like how he does it you know these like people that what do you call it when it's like they're with their faces like turn their faces inside out yeah yeah um and he literally does that and i try and look at him think that's please don't cry like that because that's real that's a really ugly face and you don't want that in a photo shoot no like no you don't in the end with the photo shoot we had yesterday i actually ended up saying to my kids like just turn around we don't just turn around we don't need to see your faces just go like that yeah from the back and i'll give you a bag of haribos yeah and so like so the shot that we've got you could see the kids from the back uh basically go like this but from my angle i'm like fine whatever works just get the shot and go it's that open mouth yeah yeah it is and then also going back to getting a photographer you're then spending a lot of money yeah for a lot of stress a lot of bribery the amount of parents as well that have gone like if you just sit still for just 10 minutes i will take you okay we'll go to disneyland and then you know they say all of these bribes and all these promises and then after the shoot they're like let's go to Disneyland let's go and the parents are like why did we promise that in the first place didn't mean to do that I remember on my wedding day we the photographer came and he was like really excited like hey guys you know that hey we're gonna have a great day and everyone's like really stressed and my dad had burnt the croissants and the bridesmaids were pissed off because they didn't actually like the strapless dresses they didn't want their boobs hanging out and they didn't like the hair and it was like I look like I had a bees nest like on the back of my bird's nest on the back of my head and um the photographer's like so uh andy's booked you in for the shoot and i was like sorry the pictures now if we just get some like natural ones is that okay and he's like no the lingerie shoot what he's doing that then he's like well andy's asked me to bring you a gift i was like no please tell me it's a handbag or something and he pulled out this like like bodice now i'd had a spray tan with a thong on oh and this bodice was literally you could see what i had for breakfast oh my god it was bad it was see-through and I had this spray tan marks here and this thing comes up to my hips so my my best mates my bridesmaids were like in the other room like I can't believe your husband has got you're having a lingerie shoe on my bed where there was like makeup marks because we all the girls shared a bed the day of the wedding the morning of my wedding because that's what I was there literally with my flower on display to a man I didn't really know oh my god and then my dad was coming upstairs like are you ready hannah because he talks like that and then i was like i'm not ready dad and i remember it was so unnatural like i am not a model and i've never had pictures taken really before so i remember he was like you just put your arm up and it was like oh my god awful it was like nippage and everything oh my god but was the day before the day of the morning of the wedding yeah i had a bottle of blossom hill and a bag of jelly babies in the car because i didn't have time to eat any burnt croissants or anything oh my gosh i'd love to see those pictures horrendous what we add them to this uh what the lingerie ones yeah oh my god i need to see them i need to see your flower with your fake tan my husband's bank oh god i'll probably edit that out never never oh my gosh that's brilliant when he's when he's looking at him i hear that i'm not joking anyway okay pregnancy sickness my fail happened around week nine right when the morning sickness was kicking in high gear we decided to keep the pregnancy under wraps until after the first trimester scan so not even our parents knew it's really hard around that time it is it is yeah we had a family dinner at my in-law's house and whilst i know the morning sickness is normally in the morning no one tells you it can be any time through the day my mother morning sickness it's all day sickness always around tea time my mother-in-law served up the main course a glorious aromatic lamb stew normally i'd be salvating but the moment the scent hit my nostrils a wave of nausea washed over me and you know when you get that salivating feeling in your mouth when you need to be sick yeah that I took a deep breath and attempted to take a bite thinking how the hell am I going to get out of this thinking I'm going to be sick and where do I go I was looking at my husband trying to work out what to do or say it was too late the sight of the simmering lamb the rich grieve the tiny flecks of herbs I clamped my hands over my mouth my eyes wide with panic and bolted from the table muttering something like excuse me one moment obviously they all had gone silent and all they could hear was me retching from the bathroom when I emerged my mother-in-law was standing by the bathroom door and knowing triumphant and slightly amused look on her face my husband let the secret out my grand plan my grand plan of a discreet elegant reveal had dissolved into mortifying nausea induced public confession it was a parenting fail before I even bought a single onesie oh bless her that's awful it's I had terrible morning sickness with my daughter not with my sons but with my daughter but like I remember eating a stir fry for tea or dinner as like southern people call it tea if you're up north and I actually vomited my dinner back into the bowl and then my stomach rumbled because I was still hungry so I put that down the toilet and served myself another bowl and sat and ate it wow but it just my body was like needed to get it out and then it's bonkers how the body it's mad all of it did you get morning sickness with my daughter i did yeah isn't yeah it seems to be a girl thing i don't know if that's an old wives tale but yeah with my daughter i definitely was more i wasn't physically sick but i felt that constant i'm i'm retching i feel really sick um and when i was pregnant with my third same as this lady i we didn't want to tell anyone yeah um and we hosted christmas and my mom and my sister were all really close they they were like they were like you're pregnant aren't you she in stilton watcher yeah yeah like you're pregnant and i was like no i'm not pregnant my sister say then go on my sister was like you've not had a sip of champagne all day and i'm like i'm hosting and i'm busy and i and i had a glass there but obviously it was always full but it's that hard time yeah to week 12 where you don't want to tell anyone but that's when you feel your worst isn't it from like feel your worst week eight to week 12 and that's when you're like I really don't feel well so there's always somebody at work that you have to be like listen I know I'm really angry I keep crying and vomiting it's not you I'm just up the duff also with pregnancy yeah certain smells put me off but also and this sounds really weird and I'd love to know if anyone else had this but certain colors and patterns really made me feel sick really like what like like really bright pink leggings made me feel really sick who was is that because your husband was dressed up as ken yes he was bright pink leggings the outfit came back out for your daughter's birthday yeah um which was weird and christmas made me feel sick the whole of christmas made me feel really sick all of it and was that like the smells or just it was really weird i don't know all of it i hated all of it um but on i think the 27th of december like got christmas day out the way boxing day out the way I took everything down.

21:10Did you? Yeah, I was like, I cannot look at this anymore. And then I felt really guilty because I basically shot their Christmas short. So the next year when the baby was here and I was fine, I think I kept everything up till February. I was like, let's make up for it. But also I'm vegetarian. But when I was pregnant with all of them, I craved ham. Hey friends, Olivia from Ollie. Between new routines and the ultimate group project known as parenting, you need science-backed solutions that work with your life. That's where Ollie comes in. Start your mornings off right with Maltese made to support nutrition and immune health.

21:42Choose from our lineup of gut-supporting probiotics. And we've got occasional sleep support to help the whole fan chase their big dreams. Head back to class with the number one gummy supplement brand. Stock up on ollie.com today. These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. And did you eat the ham? Yeah. But not nice ham, like really cheap honey roast ham. Like the awful cheap stuff. like the billy bear meat kind of stuff yeah i couldn't stop eating duck really two week period with annabelle that with with logan i was having malwams so soft fruit flavor chew things yeah i remember my husband came home and he was like can i have a malwam i was like i think i've just eaten the whole packet like oh my god i couldn't stop like it's a chewy like you kind of yeah and then with annabelle i was like eating duck i don't i don't like i could if you put duck in front of me now I couldn't eat it but when I was pregnant with her I literally just I would have gone to the park and just eaten a duck at that point I just couldn't stop feed the ducks I'm gonna eat the duck just get a satsuma and squeeze over the top oh what about like your hormones like where you certain things that you would make you cry like unexpectedly yeah like my husband would cry over x-factor now is that oh my god it's such a sub story I'm like this is so like we have such a role reversal I never cry um and then when I was pregnant it was like oh my god the postman's just given me a letter he gave that to me that kind of thing what about you I got really angry um and then really then that would like turn into tears and things that were so ridiculous is one time I remember my husband had made me a nice big breakfast ate that lovely got in the car to go somewhere and we stopped off at a petrol station to get some petrol and my husband said to me do you want anything and I was like no no I'm fine I'm fine and then he got himself a sandwich and he started eating it in front of me and I was like how dare you like how the audacity that you're eating that in front of me like what about me you're gonna offer me any and he was like I did offer you and I was like no you didn't he was like no I did and he did and then I that just turned into absolute floods of tears and then he was just like sandwich yeah he was like rabbit in headlights like I don't know what to do here I offered you a sandwich and you don't want it and you're and and then I had to basically have a word with myself and go I'm just hormonal yeah sorry can you imagine though like we're living through this but it must be so hard for your partner even when he goes to the shop now and he'll say do you want anything I'm like I always go I'd love oh my god I love a chocolate bar but I better not yeah that is go and get me a chocolate bar and bring it back and i'll be like i didn't said i didn't want to eat and chocolate and then they'll cover it down yeah straight down the gullet yeah but yeah if he doesn't get me anything then i think it's a bit selfish yeah they can't win they can't win and then he's like well i can't read your mind and then you're like i know you can't but sense the tone yeah it's the tone i mean that sandwich gate was a bit impossible for him but it was it was impossible for him he did ask i said no and he still got it and yeah and what happened did he give you his sandwich or did i think i can't remember actually i think i've blocked a lot of it out i think he probably did offer it and then i was just like i forget it it's too late now i don't want one anyway moment's gone yeah poor guys but you know and actually sorry a friend of mine i love this story a friend of mine when she was pregnant um her husband was going through he was he was going bald he was like losing hair here and he was really paranoid about it like she was saying that like you know don't mention it because he doesn't like it at all and then there was one time when he was just sitting down watching tv and she was hoovering and she was really angry that he was just sitting down like having a nice time so she went behind his and went to the ball pad and she just started with his ball pad and I was just like what are you doing and she was like I'm getting rid of that hair and yeah that just really tickled me because I just thought yeah it must be traumatising especially if he had one of those pieces on his head so I just he's blocked just hoovered his head just to get rid of that poor guy poor guy the things we do in fact maybe we should do like hormone stories as well like what you've done in the rage of hormones because you always have that five minutes after and you know you'd be like chopping veg like oh my god i'm so sick of everything i feel like i could just get in my car and drive off and then you're like oh just come on my period yes that's what it was i'm fine that's fine story three ready for it my dog ate a bin load of maternity sorry this is so bad my dog ate a bin load of maternity pads the day after my husband had just gone back to work after paternity leave so they must have been used um i had to guesstimate how many he'd eaten and count them back out at the vets it cost me 500 pounds the shame oh my gosh like use maternity pads like the dog ate them oh my gosh a bin load wow oh no how embarrassing i wonder what the vet like how do you even like he hasn't swallowed them so the vet would the vet have to like like perform something to scoot them out how do you put out maternity i don't know because they're they're big they're like mattresses oh yeah they're like nappies in themselves yeah i mean how big was a dog i need to know more yeah we need more information was it like a little truadabore or was it like a great dame my friend's got a dog we went away for the weekend and it all over the garden like diarrhea oh and i was just like this is why i just don't want any more pet I don't want any more responsibility.

27:19Well, when you've got three kids as well, it is like, at least with a cat, they can do what they want and go in and out the cat flat. Whereas dogs are like, you know, a bit more responsibility. Well, I hear their responsibility and that's why I'm just like, I'm not ready. I'm not ready. It's like my friend who said having a cat was like having a child. I was like, baby, it's not. It's not. I saw a lady at the tube station on the way here, actually at St. Pancras and her dog had pooed in the middle of St. Pancras Station. And she'd obviously tried to pick it up, but she'd smeared the feces everywhere.

27:53And she was stood there and I was like, I actually have a pack of baby wipes in my bag. So I said, do you want some baby wipes? I can give you some if you want. She was like, no, I'll be fine. And I was like, well, you're not, like she was stood there guarding the poo. And I was like, well, you're not okay. And I just wiped off. I did the British thing and thought, well, I'm f***ing off. I've tried to help. Yeah, off I go. but the thought of being that woman in that moment where your dogs pooed on the tiled floor just take the wipes yeah or just I don't mean don't have a dog I don't mean that but yeah I yeah I don't have that animal instinct to have it I don't not yet I kind of feel that when my kids are older older and I feel like that kind of something's missing need someone to look I need to look after someone maybe I get a dog then or I might just go to Ibiza Yeah, you could just go on a girl's trip.

28:45You could do that and see the stray animals there abroad. Be like, oh, don't touch it. Don't touch it. You'll catch fleas. Or we're going to have the opposite because we don't have dogs or cats or pets. As our kids get older and have their own families, we'll have to babysit for them. That's true. And they will have dogs. They will have dogs. Because we haven't educated them. Yeah. Yes. I think that's what's going to happen. Yes. You're probably right. I look like her from Home Alone. yeah yeah bird lady well thank you so much for sharing your parenting bells it's brilliant to hear all of your stories at least we know that we are not alone in this madness and don't forget to like and subscribe to no parental guidance youtube for more content

29:36class is now in session and the ups store is here to help you ace arriving on campus Our certified packing experts can pack everything you need, from desktops to decor. Plus, when you pack and ship with us, you get our exclusive pack and ship guarantee. Your items arrive safe or your money back. Restrictions and limitations apply. To get a 20 % off packing coupon and for full details, visit the upsstore.com slash packing.