Harriet Kemsley on Divorce, dating, and Coparenting

0:00Shout out to our sponsor Jet 2 Holidays, saving parents everywhere with free child place holidays. millions available for summer even in the school holidays that's a miracle in itself coming up people are going to think this isn't true but if you look on my instagram there is a highlight and the highlight is called bomb when we tried to mold it it was like it was as if we were like putting him into a car seat age one my husband was like audience harriet kemsley yeah what an introduction i know i know my friend did a tarot card reading on me and she was like You're holding on to something about your head.

0:36Oh no. It's his penis. It's his penis behind the sofa.

0:47Hi everyone and welcome back to the podcast. It feels like just yesterday we were talking about the summer holidays and now can you believe it's already October. I know. Spooky season is officially here. The leaves are changing. The jumpers are out. and we're getting ready all things Halloween. But now let's dive into the week. So Hannah, how's your week been? Well, it's been good. I've had a good positive week because the kids are in a routine. Nice. I feel like mentally that's good for me. I feel like I've been a little bit harsh with my middle child this week because I've got two older boys.

1:23I've been passing everything of Bradley's like pass it down to Logan. And one of those items this week was a gum shield. So we got one for Logan and sorry, we got one for Bradley. And when we tried to mold it, it was like, it was as if we were like putting him into a car seat age one. It was so dramatic. And you heat it up and you're like, so we've literally got 30 seconds before this is going to set. Like you need to get it in. So you were like clamping the gum shield. It's like, listen, I'm doing this to protect your gnashes. I'm not doing this for me, but if somebody hits a ball, a hockey stick or ball into your face, I'm protecting the teeth.

2:01You only get one set of teeth. So brush them and look after them. Anyway, I thought the other day, I was like, I'm so disorganized. For some reason, it's just not happening for me with being organized at the minute. I'm forgetting what days they need to have PEK. Honestly, it's been the worst organization for me. I went to the school shop and bought everything, but I thought, oh my God, I haven't got Logan a gum shield and he needs one for school. So I thought, well, I know where Bradley's is. What happens if I reheat it and try and remold it onto his gob? Honestly, I think I traumatized him. They don't remold, right?

2:37So Logan had to take it to school where it was like half his older brother's teeth, half his teeth, but Logan's only lost two teeth. And by that age, Bradley had lost like a lot so there was like a few gaps in it so I thought you know when they least like my eldest lost four teeth at once it was spitting everywhere like we would do after a bottle of prosecco and um I tried I thought it would work really well for Logan but there was just gummage on this thing so I was trying to shove it in his mouth and anyway he he was like I'm gonna wear it to school and like try and mold it in myself it just didn't work like it didn't fit his teeth are like here and then their gum shield was there just not fitting at all and then as he was going to school he had Bradley's old blazer on and it's all frayed around the edge and it's like we're not into the end of the first term of the academic year and he's got his brother's old frayed like jacket and jumpers and then he's got a gum shield that doesn't fit him and I'm like I feel bad but I'm going through that that phase at the moment where my my youngest my two-year-old it's not a regression I think lots of mums have said this throughout the seasons, their sleep changes.

3:49And I've spoken to loads of mums that have two-year-olds that have said, yeah, they're going through this phase of not sleeping. I'll go and check on Annabelle. And then I think, I know she's not settled yet. So I get back into bed and I think, oh, I can't sleep now. I've got things to think about. And then I go on my phone and then I just, I don't know what happens. I go into this pit of purchasing stuff, but I don't remember I've done it until I get the confirmation email. Oh yes. But don't you remember doing that when you were breastfeeding? What's the worst thing you bought during the night when you're breastfeeding online?

4:17I don't know, but I have bought some weird things. I bought fake poo. Why? Why? Why did you do that? To prank like my own children. I did it to my father-in-law. It didn't go down very well. I got one of those, it looks like glasses smashed. So I put it on his windscreen of his car. Oh, yeah, yeah. And he's really precious about his car. So I put a smashed glass thing on his windscreen and I got a fake parking ticket. I don't think I dare do that to my father-in-law because I don't know kind of reactions. I got my lesson very quick. Did you? You won't do it again? My husband was like, wrong audience.

4:55What's been your parenting fails this week? Oh gosh. Do you know what? I actually want to talk about a parenting fail that happened, not this week. It's an old school one, but it is. They're always the best though, aren't they? But it's still quite, I mean, I think people are going to think this isn't true. But if you look on my Instagram, there is a highlight that you can see the story unfold. And the highlight is called Bomb. Right. So it was my son's birthday and we're getting ready for the day. We're having a party at home. And my husband's in the garden, gardening, which didn't need to be done.

5:35you know I'm doing everything you know I'm doing all the food and prepping and blowing up balloons and my husband's trimming a bush that no one ever sees and okay yeah not that kind of bush he comes running into the house running in and I'm like was it a bee and he says no I know it was a grenade I'm like I'm sorry what what and he says there's a grenade in our garden no because he was shoveling and apparently he got a bit of earth and the grenade like rolled off his spade no anyway he calls the police and they say to him police ambulance or fire and he's like i think i might need all three and within honestly within i want to say a minute police were at our front door and they come in and they're very much like sorry have you got a grenade in your garden they go into the garden and they barely get to where the grenade is and they do this like full like 180 twist and do that kind of like you know the uh emergency evacuate really and they were like evacuate and at the time i'm breastfeeding um and i you know and you're just like your mind goes into like flight or fight okay fine grab what you need leave the house and they evacuated the entire street the whole street was cordoned off but the moment i walked the house to leave there was a bomb squad a terrorist squad more police fans I mean it was crazy and the bomb the grenade was live it was a live grenade are you actually kidding it was live and it had been in our garden for years where the kids were playing I mean oh my goodness and um they found out that it was from like the second world war because we lived in south London it was just like I swear half my emotional stability comes from having a holiday booked Oh same Jet 2 holidays make it simple Low£60 per person deposit Pay monthly And by summer it feels like a gift from past you Sunshine therapy already paid for Just been buried In the meantime I'm getting text messages on the WhatsApp From the mums going We should have a play date We should have a play date Love a play date I was just like We have bombs in our garden So we're not going to host any play dates for a while I thought you were going to say All the kids that I don't like Bring them round Jump up and down And honestly I've never seen a WhatsApp chat goes so kind of like dead.

7:55And on that bombshell shall we get our guest in this week Louise? Absolutely it's going to be a bomb.

8:03This week's guest is a comedy genius and a total legend of the mum life meets chaos scene. From roast battle to last one laughing she's had us howling. Absolutely and now she's making us a laugh cry with stories about motherhood, divorce and dating again. She's a dyspraxic vegan, terrified of bananas, allergic to raw veg, but somehow thriving as a touring comedian with a toddler. Please welcome the hilarious, honest and totally unfiltered Harriet Kemsley. You were like that, what are they going to say next about me, weren't you? What an introduction. I know, I know. I mean, I'm already, there's so many questions in my head.

8:40When you put it all together, it's really a lot. Welcome. Welcome. Thank you for joining us. Thank you so much. Delighted to have you here. I'm just going to go straight in. Sorry. Can you just tell me about the bananas? I know it's so dumb I am I just I just don't trust them there's just something about the skin and the way they hang over a waste paper basket I was driving a comic last night to a show and he started to eat a banana in the car and I was like I can't believe this is happening but I was like don't don't mention it and just and I didn't drive very well um and I think it might have been related as well or it's yeah it's just the way people like adults eat them I just don't it just doesn't seem like something adults should do but kids can eat them yeah did you give it to your to your kid I do You know when you have to try and hide and everything's fine?

9:22Like with spiders, you're like, a spider's fallen on me. This is great. I'm so happy there's a spider on my head. My sister's actually also extremely like cannot stand bananas, hates everything about them. Great. I'm not a freak. But there are people now that are putting banana skin peel on their face. Apparently it's a good form of skincare. Botox, apparently. It's natural Botox. Would you do that? No, I'll just do regular Botox. I'll just stick with that. Pay a bit more money. It's fine. so you've got a little girl yes and how old is she she's um she's going to be four in december so oh wow not quite at school yet no next year i'm looking at primary schools and stuff soon that's a big step that it just feels it feels so odd i already even just dropping her off for the last year of what's going to be nursery i was emotional so i don't know what i'm going to be like at the end at the end of this juggling everything for you doing stand-up evening gigs it's always like prime time of needing to leave when it's bedtime how do you juggle everything it is i'm not gonna lie absolute chaos yeah um but yeah because my ex is a comic um we didn't think that through in any way yeah it was great when we were together we were dating and you're like we can go out to gigs together and all this stuff once you have a child you're like well you how do you balance co-parenting it's um it's a journey it's a real journey i think i feel very proud of us because we've both put mabel first and um we managed to get we managed to get through the divorce without lawyers like we just did it ourselves we're like the agreement was neither of us are going to be happy and we just have to suck it up um it was just like this is the best thing and then um it's yeah it's been a journey i think at first we were like we're gonna stay best friends and um is that you did the whole thing like best friends were going to keep living together and co-parenting yeah living together lasted a week um okay we had to move in with a friend um but are we not together you stop making a mess yeah um but um but no he he was really good and he moved out because he knew like I'm not so good with change and he was he knew it was the best thing for us so he was like very gracious for that it sounds really nice and amicable oh there's been a lot of times that you would not you would not believe but it's it's now and we're putting Mabel first and it's that's always been the goal is to put her first yeah um and is there are you dating is that on the scene for you yeah I'm dating it took so long was it like yeah so was it like going back that was so much excitement we love the excitement tell us everything I think that's it I think at first it didn't feel exciting because at first I was so confused I was like I thought I'd be married forever I was like my identity was like married lady you know can you ask how long were you married for so I was married for six years but we'd been together for like 11 to 12 and so it was like I met him when I was like 24 I think and so it was like a big chunk of my life like as an adult and so I kind of thought that was what it would be and so to suddenly be single again I found it very confusing because I was like also I'm a mother now like I suddenly became like very prudish like I was like a like an old an old married lady like how dare you touch me you know and um that's not really the vibe that you want you know when you're dating it's like quite off-putting oh my god she's so frigid yeah move on swipe I know I know this old married lady um but yeah I'm not married and um yeah I started a podcast with my friend Amy because she went through a breakup at the same time and we literally um we literally went on the apps for the first time like on the podcast and we started it's so funny like listening back to the first series um I mean I can't listen back but it's so embarrassing because we were just like um we were just so we just been in the relationships for so long we just didn't know what it was like like how to flirt or how to kiss somebody new like it just all felt so overwhelming and so the the episodes are so embarrassing we got one date between us in all of the first series um and it's just really pathetic um but now now we've turned a corner and yeah talk us about your ex-partner's mold of a penis my husband's penis the fake one it's what is funny i just found that hilarious I literally just put it on Instagram like two days ago.

13:46I was meant to just be promoting, we've got a live show of a podcast, Single Ladies. And I just happened to mention it as just an aside. And all week people have been talking to me about it. You're like, for God's sake, stop mentioning things about your ex-husband's penis just in passing. Do you still have it? No, it's gone. It's finally gone. I don't know why I kept on it for so long. Why did I have it in the first place? Yes, good question. um very good question actually so we did this tv show years ago called um pants on fire for e4 and it was so fun we did all these mad challenges so like we went to mexico city and we took part in a lucha libra wrestling competition and um one of the challenges was that we got um cards i also i tattooed him so he has a tattoo at the moment um well it's it's it's actually worked out um i've kind of scarred him forever he has a tattoo that i did on his upper thigh um kind of right next to his penis of um of i've drawn myself and i've written my name underneath and it's so bad because like i'm not a tattoo artist i didn't like i got a brief training um but it looks like you know on those um primary school tea towels when they have like a picture of like a child is drawn to me He answered that permanently, permanently on him.

15:02So apologies to any women. But it's me in the future. But he's permanently scarred. Anyway, one of the things we did was we got plaster casts of our genitals. I've actually lost my vagina somewhere. It's somewhere in Clapham. We don't know. You've lost my vagina. You've lost your vagina somewhere. I've lost my vagina somewhere in the house. I've got to put that on my to-do list. what if your daughter finds it and takes it to nursery for show and tell oh god yeah that would be imagine it was obviously post baby no it was pre-baby okay so it's probably nice yeah it's a nice mind yeah put it on the wall reminder um yeah so uh so yeah he um he i found um i got a new sofa I found his um behind the sofa and then I was like it was funny because my friend did a tarot card reading on me um in February and she was like you're holding on to something about your eggs I don't know what it is you're holding on to and I was like I don't think I'm pulling stuff out like I've got DVDs out I've got everything and then I was suddenly like it's his penis it's his penis behind the sofa that's what I've been holding on to um and so I took it I took it out and i put it i went to go put it we have like um where did you put it well on the estate where i live we have these bins um and um i went to go put it and then as i did it it like dropped on my foot so it's got me one last time i just didn't want to leave did it

16:41and then it was broken into it then i threw it in the oh my god it felt very um so was it was it flaccid or erect it was flaccid yeah yeah imagine having a penis That would be a very intense mould, don't you think, for somebody? Yes. And also hard to maintain because it's very cold. It's very cold, the plastic bags. I wasn't sure if you used it as a toy. Well, it's like the thing that guys get, guys have like sports and holiday, don't they? What do you mean? So like when they do sport, it shrivels a little bit, gets smaller. And then when they go on holiday, it just seems to get bigger and more like.

17:15Like cold and hot. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Okay. So. you just said that as if it was something everyone knew yeah i've never heard of that one before so we need to know about your parenting fails okay do you have any please say you do yeah like constant good constant parenting fails but it's more like a general it's more just like everything is generally hard like i just find leaving the house it's a bit like um like you know in like james bond films when there's a villain like he's trying to get away and like jaws or something is like on his back like pulling him off an airplane like because i'm dyspraxian so it's hard enough for me to get organized and get out and then she is trying to derail me an hour could have passed and you're like i'm still i'm still here i don't understand i haven't moved forward in any way you've still haven't got your shoes on you don't know yeah you'll get the shoes on but then something else will come off and then something will spill and then what do you do that sounds pretty normal we don't know i think that's the whole thing yeah that's very normal and how do you split the time between yourself and your ex with you he's great so she lives with me and then she stays with him one night a week um at the moment um and but he's really good and he'll like pick her up from nursery a couple of days and then we'll generally do like he'll take her either like most of one saturday or one sunday so it's pretty like split and because of the the chaos of our lives and not having proper jobs it's sometimes like now she's in nursery full-time it's much easier but it was a lot of like passing her back and forth like i have to go to this meeting so you'll have to watch her so it's like too much time with your ex-husband um definitely so thank god for nursery yeah oh my god thank god for nursery saying about the fees yeah but uh is your daughter funny has she got a funny streak in her she's really funny and um it's really stressful yeah nursery yeah they keep saying at nursery she's gonna go and stand up and i'm like the sciences she's gonna go into the sciences yeah yeah are you like a nursery whatsapp chat Is there one for nursery?

19:10There isn't one for nursery. I've heard horror stories about primary school. Yeah, because when she starts school, it's coming. It's the constant chat of questions that has already been in an email. It's like people will say, has anyone seen Oscar's jumper? Has anyone seen my plastic-cross vagina? Anybody? I've seen your blood for ages. We're just going off-piste here, guys, but I'm just looking for my badge. It's somewhere. Yeah, of course. Please help me. Yeah, I think, I think my, yeah, Bobby is not, he's going to be an interesting, an interesting addition to a parental WhatsApp group. When we, when we first had her, we, quite quickly, I went back to doing standup and they'd book us together on gigs.

19:53So like I would open and he'd close or vice versa. And then we'd bring Mabel with us to the clubs that they were amazing. They're so supportive. But while I was on stage at kind of 9pm in Soho, Bobby would push Mabel around Soho to get her to sleep. And once a woman nearly called the police because she thought he stole a baby. So he doesn't have the traditional look of maybe a father of nursery. So I'm excited for when he joins a WhatsApp group for sure. And how do you think you'll find it as obviously you know each other, but you've been, you were together for a long time. you know as as she gets older having that conflict between like when you're at home if I say like to my husband like oh I wouldn't have said that or oh you're a bit harsh with him then how do you think your co-parenting journey um will continue in terms of like if you have a bit of conflict are you both fairly understanding with each other for you to say listen I might not have done it like that or why did you dress her like that do you ever have those scenarios yeah I think I think Definitely.

20:49And he...

21:19He's very open-minded, which I really like. And he'll sometimes say things in ways that I, like I maybe come from quite a traditional upbringing. And so I do quite like his opinions on things quite a lot. But yeah, I think often those kinds of things maybe have to be handled by text when you're far away. That's what I've learned. Text when you're far away, the day afterwards when you've had a moment and then you text. In person, in the moment is bad. It's really hard though, isn't it, as a parent when you've got completely different viewpoints on something, whether you're together or not. It's like, you know, everyone's had different upbringings.

21:58So what I deem as being normal is completely different to what my husband deems as being normal, even though we've kind of had similar upbringings. Actually, we haven't. Like traditionally, we may have done, but some of the ways I approach things is very different. um so i imagine if we were kind of living sort of separate lives sometimes i'd be thinking oh and it just because it's the most precious things in your entire life your child and it's like you don't want it's like no don't do that and it's amazing how you can just lose perspective so quickly over something so small that is in the bigger picture it's really irrelevant i think that's it i think it's it's really hard to let go of control yes when she goes with him like i'll often be like uh just i know i know you don't need to hear this but just don't take your eyes off her for a minute and uh when you're driving just drive really safe and he'll be like this but I'm like I just have to say it yeah let's talk about your dyspraxia tell us about that please um so yeah I am I've always been very clumsy and a bit um I've always felt a bit more confused than other people like I would get things wrong and at school like I once got banned from doing homework because I'd always just lose the sheets and like she took it personally but it would just be I couldn't I just couldn't seem to hold on to things or organize myself very well and um then um then And yeah, when I was, I think just before I turned 30, my sister was like, I was watching Embarrassing Bodies last night.

23:16And I think you might have the same thing as the woman on it. And I was like, that is not a sentence you ever want to hear. No, no. Where is she going with this? And then she was like, this woman had dyspraxia and I think you might have it. And then she was like, there's this test and we were at dinner and it was like this clapping test thing. And she did it on me and I knocked over two glasses in the process. And she was like, yeah, I think you got it. And so I had to get tested. And yeah, it was just a really helpful thing to kind of give myself a bit of grace, I guess. Yeah, absolutely. And a bit more understanding of myself.

23:46So what does it mean? It just means I'm very clumsy. Like sometimes my body is moving in ways that no one can predict. Even you. Even I, I have no control. And what's interesting with it is that I think some days are definitely worse than others. Like Bobby always used to call it like I'd be having a dyspraxic day and suddenly everything would kind of pile up and it would get worse. And like if everything is, it's pretty interesting because I used to like not have systems for anything and now I've got so much better at it. I have a place for everything and life is much more controlled and easier.

24:18But like I have to really stay on top of things. Yeah, especially with a toddler. Have you hosted a birthday party for Mabel? Yeah, so we, yeah, so I, yeah, I just do, the last few years I've done it at mine because it's quite near Christmas. it's quite a nice kind of time and then um I put up a kind of I got a tiny garden but like a little tent thing kind of in the garden and um yeah it's um it's it's been really it's like chaos but I do also love it yeah it's a real mix between being the most stressed you've ever been in your whole life absolutely it's so stressful to a point where your knickers are sweaty and but you're still like I really like this yeah not the sweaty knickers I want to do this for her but like actually this is really fun actually and it's a memory for her it's core memories um but do you because your daughter's birthday is quite close to christmas do you just crack on with that or do you do like a half birthday as well and that's it like because some people do i know but i just the half birthday you're like i just don't know if anyone cares you know like if you got invited to a half birthday you might be like yourself you know like i was invited to a half birthday as a as a grown-up no what her actual birthday wasn't even it was like december 2nd or something I've never even heard of a half birthday.

25:28Yeah, she had a half birthday. And it was a bit peculiar. And I was like, look, if you want a night out, just say you want a night out. Just make for a drink. That's it, I know. And so maybe in the future we'll have like little things for her in the summer. But what's really stressful is you just have to be really on it. Because that whole month everyone gets all their seeing their friends and their families and their events. I have to like plan it now so that there's a date. how do you deal on an evening if your daughter's having like one of those screaming tantrums and you're on your own how do you find that like bedtime routine if she's like kicking off a bit how do you cope that's something I had the other um last month like work was so busy and I was just like not getting much sleep and I think what's the hardest is sometimes if she's really upset in the middle of the night and you're on your own I find that yeah quite hard because there's nobody to kind of have you don't have a partner yeah of course yeah with it but also to literally kick on the like it's your turn yeah but also it's helpful because there's no one to argue with you know when things just get really heightened and the the baby's upset and things escalate there's none of that yeah it's just down to me and that there's a kind of freedom in that that you just get on with it yeah I find sometimes if my husband's not there my kids will follow instruction better than when he is there.

26:46And I don't know if that's because of dynamic they can play us off against each other. And they know with me, it's like, right, it's bedtime. And they're like, oh yeah, no, bedtime. But then friends of mine whose parents have separated, they very much play the parent off the other parent. And they'll be like, well, mum said I could do that. Or I did that the other day with my mum. And they're like, no, you didn't. And then they're not going to message the partner to be like, did they or not? So then the kid's just like absolutely balling, getting away with stuff. But I guess that's a communication between the parents, isn't it?

27:13Yeah. Yeah, I think that's one of the things that we've really like been like is that we both like presence we do presence together at the moment at least so that it's everything is equal it's not that somebody is doing more or less it's like a joint kind of thing which I think is it's just everything is like what's best for her like that's the most important thing that we're not competing in any way or and did you have a good pregnancy good birth um no no did anybody did anybody enjoy you know these women that say they have orgasms in labor i know i know can you imagine no i can't that's the most that well that's the least orgasmic thing i've ever experienced in my life in fact if anyone's listening if anyone knows anyone or has actually experienced an orgasm during labor yeah i'd love to know how it was yeah I'm gonna say how it felt though no orgasm for me um just the regular birth um it was um I found I found it very stressful um I um I being pregnant I just it was hard to I found it very hard to relax if it was just like holding your breath the whole time like I was just so worried about everything and looking back I wish I could have enjoyed it more but it's just so hard to to relax with it um I loved doing stand-up like I did live at the Apollo when I was pregnant with her and that felt really special like it was something really nice and it was kind of fun because audiences I think aren't used to seeing many pregnant women on stage so it felt it felt kind of empowering and like I had a real like heft behind me like with uh with it um and So I liked that giving birth was, it was very stressful.

28:56It was during, it wasn't during the beginning of the pandemic, but it was when at Christmas time in 2021, when it felt like everything was going to shut down again. Well, Christmas did cancel. Christmas was canceled that year. It wasn't, it was the one where it seemed like it was going to be canceled. And so everyone was having these crazy parties. I just voluntarily canceled. Yeah, I think some did get canceled. And it was like in that buildup where it was like, everyone was just going crazy and like getting really drunk so like we don't know what's gonna happen so let's just go for it um and so I was pregnant I was still trying to gig but I remember I did this gig at a private members club and um everyone was so drunk and I was like due in like 10 days or something and this woman just like kissed me on the head and there was like pandemic and you're like you know when you're doing like if I get COVID I might like my partner might not be able to be with me or like and so I was like I just gotta I would have kept going until I gave birth but I was like I've just got to stay in for a bit you guys are nuts um and then giving birth it felt if it just felt I felt a bit out of control with it like I'd done all the things that you needed to do but I just I didn't really feel like anyone was listening to me that much I think a lot of people were away because they had COVID and so people had been drafted in that hadn't worked at the hospital for a long time it was a slightly chaotic time um but um there was a point where uh the way we phrased it is that bobby fired the midwives um and said that they had to leave um which sounds nuts now and it what it felt really nuts but it was a thing where i i have ptsd and there's like a bit of trauma and they were so brilliant in the build-up to it with it because there was a lot of anxiety about giving birth um because of people being in that area um and it felt like no one was listening to me in this moment and uh that's not nice but yeah he fired the midwives and then it was like a bit of a we were like oh no so the midwives were fired but then who did you get another one well they said there isn't anyone else it was janice the cleaner she's seen it all before i was just looking at bobby being like i think this is out of your your capability and no then a brilliant this brilliant um midwife and everyone's just trying their best you know but um but yeah it was it was very stressful but we um then I got this brilliant midwife like I was meant to have an epidural but um because I got induced I didn't want to but I got induced and then I heard that can be more painful and it can be more difficult so I was like well I'll get an epidural but I was saying I was in labor but no one was listening to me and then by the time it was to get an epidural they said it's too late um and so I couldn't have one um which was was fine ultimately but um it just it just felt stressful and then anyway we had this amazing midwife um but because I think part of the confusion was my waters didn't break um and so maybe Mabel came out in the amniotic sack um wow we didn't know that at the time and so she came out and um the hot light was in the whole sack was just intact and she was in like a bag of water we didn't know that and so Bobby could see the head and I went what does she look like and he went uh don't worry about it we'll see and I was like what do you mean we'll see and he was like let's just get it out and then we'll deal with it and I was like oh my god what it's coming and then it was because she was in this sack oh my god and it was like this yeah she just came out and then they they popped you know what it's really interesting again there is apparently old wives tale when you're born in the sack it means um that you will never drown well that's good isn't that nice to know relax at bath time yeah i was gonna it's meant to be very good luck i think and good luck but i say this because also my niece who was born in the sack is a pro swimmer she's actually like she is she is she's an amazing she's 12 she's working towards the olympics she is absolutely get mabel swimming lessons oh my like for real i find that all fascinating i really do what is also fascinating is how much water comes out yeah like with my first two my water was always broke when i was like inactive lay like fully dilated and with Annabelle I was stood in my kitchen and I heard like a pop and it was like Jesus well how much water it was all over the floor I got every tea towel in my cupboard just to try and like oh I was like god you know we need to go to the hospital and then it just kept kept pouring out and it's nice and warm it's really nice and warm it's like you're peeing yourself yeah it's quite liberating and if you kind of squeeze a bit a bit more yeah I remember But as I was going into the hospital, as I was just walking along this corridor, I just looked like something out of Little Britain that was just b****** myself.

33:26I was just like, whatever. I can't, you know, my husband was like, excuse me, I think we need to get a mop somewhere. I just didn't care at that point. That was it. I always thought I'd care. And then by the time I went into labour, I was like, ripping my clothes off, like my hair was a stain. All dignity goes out the window. You're just like, I don't care. They say, don't they leave your dignity at the door? And you definitely do. And you get to the point where you're just like, oh, somebody else is coming in to look inside me. Cool. Who's this then? I've b****** myself. you can clear it up i think my poo's coming out like we're all friends here and when you were because i i have to talk about the show that you were on last one last one last one it's so funny because i've never been in anything so popular that no one can say the name oh my god it's something i was supposed to like but not what they are yeah it's such a genius idea yeah to get a room full of really funny people and you can't like you can't you can't even smile right you can't you can't do anything and just the way that everyone was just like sucking in their cheeks yeah I was pinching myself I think a lot of them you can see that we've got um sweets in our mouths because we're like we found out that that was a trick especially if you knew you're gonna have to sit down and watch something like that was a way to try and but I was just like well like it just got worse and worse and I was like I was literally swallowing my own laughs it was like very damaging long term I think is there more to come for that show yeah they're gonna they've made another series so yeah I'm so excited I'm so excited I think so yeah and let's and what about you you got any shows yourself yes I'm gonna be going on tour next year which is really exciting so um nothing is um nothing is on sale yet or announced but it's like in the process of happening yeah so um this is your career this is what like you've been doing for how long now yeah like nearly 15 years yeah and how did you get into stand-up it's really weird I did um I did like comedy acting stuff and then um yeah my parents suggested it like they were like mad things happen to you and it's you always have funny stories that you should go and try it and And I just did.

35:17I kept it secret, like from everyone in my life. Yeah. I'd like, it got to the extent I was like lying to my housemates about what I was doing. And I was like living this like secret double life. It was so exciting. I was just like going to gigs around London and it never stops being brutal because you always, I was talking about this the other day, another comic, you're like, you can always be at any moment, you can be humiliated. Like it's like, you're always on the other side of it. Like motherhood. Like motherhood. That's it. So it's like, it's so rewarding and brilliant. but like sometimes it just doesn't for whatever reason, just occasionally.

35:47They're not into it. Are you using some content as being a mother now into your content on stage? Yeah. I mean, why not? I mean, it's chaos and hilarious. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Yeah. It's not, it's like, it's a mix of, I just find it really hard just not to, I just, I've become such an oversharer. I just, I think when I was younger, I just always had so much shame and I was so shy and embarrassed about everything. and I found such a freedom through just speaking honestly about things. Amen. That's why we're here. Cheers for that. Do you have any other stories about other mums at nursery? You don't have to say their names.

36:23You do. Yeah, you do. Tell us. I don't know if I have any stories about other mums at nursery. There was a thing with Mabel, you know, you're talking about friends and stuff. When she was two, like she's got like a little girl gang and they're so cute. But they all started saying, you're not my best friend. Oh my God. And then they'd fall out and say, you're not my best friend. That is the biggest cuss. You're like, they're two years old. Oh, yeah. Like, this is crazy. How is this happening already? And it's, like, it's real. And it's, you know, honestly, and it's a real thing. You're not coming to my party.

36:49Yeah. You're not my best friend. And she'd come home and she'd say, their friend said, she's not her best friend. I'd be like, I can't, that's so upsetting. And I'd be like, what did you say to her first? And she'd say, I said, you're not my best friend. And you'd be like, well, there we go. There you go. But you want to be able to, like, you want your kids to be friends with another child, another girl that you can be friends with their mum yeah so then if ever this scenario happens like oh you know Annabelle and such in a person they've it sounds like they've had a bit of a day today and you're kind of working together as as a parent for me that would be ideal but it really petrifies me the thought of them being teenagers and falling out with other kids and you can't get involved can you but you don't want them to go to school being unhappy because they're like your little princesses and you know want to wrap them in cotton wool forever and they just treat you like like my daughter already just if I do like if I dress her in something and she don't want to wear it she will just take it off oh she's like no I'm like oh my god like excuse me yeah I had visions of having a girl after two boys and like she's going to wear this and she's going to be this lovely princess and then to actually what she wants to wear she looks like she's an extra out of Annie she's stylish though Haria it's been an absolute pleasure to have you here thank you for being so honest and raw and open and brilliant.

38:00And honestly, the story about your penis and vagina. Lost vagina. If anybody, if anybody, please get in touch. I honestly, we think you're absolutely amazing. Thank you so, so much for being here. It's been brilliant. Thank you. Thank you.

38:20We're so grateful to have you all as part of this amazing community. Absolutely. And a massive shout out to our fantastic sponsors, Card Factory. for making this episode possible. Please keep those parenting fails coming, especially your Halloween ones, as we'll be reading them out in our special episode of the Edinburgh Month. So if you've enjoyed today's chat, be sure to give us a like, leave a review and share this episode with all the fellow mummates that you have, especially in the WhatsApp group. And don't forget to subscribe to No Parental Guidance for more mayhem and no judgment every single Monday.

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