Hilarious Parenting Fails: School Runs, Placenta Oil & The Tooth Fairy

0:00Coming up, I would have been like, I'm taking this to school. They'd be like, no, don't. My friend ordered a foxtail for her daughter's fantastic Mr. Fox costume. It arrived attached to a... What? Yeah. So how does it work? I don't know, Louise. I haven't used one. This wasn't me that wrote in. We're not alone. And it's lovely. The motherhood journey is fucking wild.

0:31Class it up with Crocs. You know back to school is coming in fast. So why wait to find your new fave footwear? Step into a local Crocs store and step into your new look. Try it. Style it. Make it yours. Because the right pair doesn't just show up. It shows off. First day fits, handled. Walk out ready for whatever's next. Visit your nearest Crocs store today. Hey friends, Olivia from OLLI. Between new routines and the ultimate group project known as parenting, you need science-backed solutions that work with your life. That's where OLLI comes in. Start your mornings off right with Maltese made to support nutrition and immune health.

1:12Choose from our lineup of gut-supporting probiotics, and we've got occasional sleep support to help the whole fam chase their big dreams. Head back to class with the number one gummy supplement brand. Stock up on OLLI.com today. These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. Class is now in session. And the UPS Store is here to help you ace arriving on campus. Our certified packing experts can pack everything you need, from desktops to decor. Plus, when you pack and ship with us, you get our exclusive pack and ship guarantee.

1:47Your items arrive safe or your money back. Restrictions and limitations apply. To get a 20 % off packing coupon and for full details, visit the upsstore.com slash packing. Well, here we are. No parental guidance. LaRouz, how are you doing? How's the summer? This is my third coffee, so what does that say? I need to ask you a question. Hit me. At what age do you stop wiping your kids' bum holes after they've done a poo? When does this stop? Oh my God, you've just triggered a massive fail for me. Why? Tell me immediately. It's really bad. Okay. So I think I stopped. I can't remember. It's a really good question.

2:30I can't remember. But I do remember realizing that my sons maybe weren't wiping properly. So then I took it upon myself to just tell them a huge lie. which was if you don't wipe your bottom properly yeah um mushrooms grow out of your bum hole okay but did it help well now they don't eat mushrooms oh okay and they don't wipe their ass either i look at mushrooms like really like mum have you ever like i'm not put that in the spaghetti bolognese and i'm like i know and so to like undo this lie. I'm like, why did I even say that anyway? I must have been that desperate for them to actually wipe their arses.

3:17Your phone's actually ringing now. Is it kids club? Is it the school? Is it your husband? Oh, it's my best mate. She's probably having a... She'll be having a shit time at home as well. Do you know what, actually? My best mate and I, we call each other. In fact, we barely speak to each other. The fact that she called, it means that she needs to talk. Yeah, she needs therapy. Because we have our own little private show of our own just between me and her we'll send voice notes and we call it the BWC which stands for the Better Wives Club yeah and we'll literally just go this and fucking this and then we're like thanks I really needed that and then we go on our way I spoke to somebody that said to me um I can't stand people that voice know oh I love them but I'm like how do you actually how could you ever have a phone call with anyone now when you've got children i cannot have a phone call no and if my friend rings me she'll be like hey how you doing it's like oh my god i'm fat bradley can you stop doing that please yeah annabelle come here where's annabelle where's she gone or like oh she's outside and gone quick and i'm like that it's annoying the other person listening she doesn't want to listen to that so what i do is get in the car go to the drive-through get a double shotter of coffee and I just drive up and down the motorway and boxer my friend yeah and then we slag off our partners and kids yeah and then at the end of the conversation we always say I feel so much better now I didn't mean that obviously I love my husband yeah I love my kids of course but you know I have to I need to get it off my chest if Andy forgets to put the bins out or does something really that's pathetic not even a big deal yeah it's a big deal in that moment for Yes.

4:56No, I get it. And I wonder if lots of other women do this. Like, do you have? If you don't, you should. Imagine if people sent us their most unhinged voice notes in a recap, a summary, like an AI summary of their messages. I think we should. I think we should. And what are the key topics? It's going to be partners and kids work. What are the key things that you talk about? And what is the most ridiculous thing? Because with Voxy, you can't delete it. Oh, really? So like on WhatsApp, if you started a message and thought, you know, that's really negative of me. Yeah. You're going to delete it. You can't, you can't do that on Voxer.

5:32Oh, wow. It's like a live show. Yeah. Oh, wow. A live show of my life. But I want people to message us or comment below, private messages, however you want or send us the most unhinged audio. Tell us. We'll play it out on the show. The kids screaming in the background. If you want, that's absolutely fine. Anonymously. We can beep out names. The same, the same girl who just called me. she sent me a voice note the other day and you could see it like it says like 15 minutes or something i saved it oh yes i i was like i'm this is my entertainment this evening yeah i got in the bath got myself a glass of wine yeah and i was like ready and i listened to it and it was just it was phenomenal what i used to love is when annabelle was a newborn every nap she had i'd just walk yeah even if it was raining and i was in such great communication with friends yes it's like oh my god you haven't replied to me for two days nick and she's like we haven't spoken for six months you can't keep sending me messages because you're on maternity leave it's like oh i can yeah and i will i loved it absolutely loved it all this spare time now on maternity leave it's like what's annabelle doing my house is a shit tip but i'm walking i will loved it um i do love actually all the messages that we get from our community yeah and we will be reading out some of your fails that you have written in which is like our favorite thing it's just brilliant it's it's brilliant we're not alone we're not we're not alone and it's lovely the motherhood journey is fucking and actually i've got to say looking through the ones i've got here one of them is anonymous two of them are anonymous and one of them's from a guy from a dad yeah a dad A dad.

7:17I'm so happy. Shall we read them? Yeah. Mine is anonymous. Yeah. My friend ordered a foxtail for her daughter's fantastic Mr. Fox costume on World Book Day. She was in a rush and went for the cheapest option. It arrived attached to a butt plug. What? Yeah. Can you imagine? Because that's the thing. When people identify as animals, like a furry, when people pretend to identify as cats, they get like a butt plug with a tail hanging off it. I had no idea. Yeah, I saw one in Walmart in Canada. Did you? Yeah. This woman had a tail hanging out her arsehole. She was actually having it. She had it. She had like shorts on and then there was a cutout and you could see the tail coming out of bum.

8:05Okay, question. Yeah. Because is it like, I've got quite an ample bottom. Like I kind of feel like if I had the butt plug with the tail I feel like half the tail would be stuck in my arse crack. So how does it work? I don't know, Louise. I haven't used one. This wasn't me that wrote in. Oh, my God. Sorry, continue. No, I know. But yeah, so whoever this was, can you imagine? The kid would, I bet the kid got really attached to the tail and would have been like, I'm taking this to school. And they'd be like, no, don't. Let me just cut the butt plug off. I mean. Oh, my God. Yeah, that's a brilliant one.

8:45I love that oh my goodness wow we learn something new every day on this show yeah I feel like it's an Adam K I bet he would have stories about this kind of thing oh yeah I mean he's got all sorts of things out of people's arses hasn't he well yeah just for reference he was a guy he's a doctor yeah that's what I love when people say if you meet an A &E doctor and you're like what's the worst thing you've seen and they're like it's always up the arses isn't it always like I think it was a toilet brush Yeah, it was a toilet brush, wasn't it? Imagine. Oh, that makes me feel sick. I thought. Well, yeah, it's pretty gross.

9:19The bristles are ever so sharp. Why would you want to put that up your bum hole? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. And then imagine getting it stuck, being like, I felt, I was sitting down on the toilet and then the toilet brush went in my bum hole and my rectum. And it's like, okay. It did it. It did it. It did it really. This one is from a man. Woo. Thank you, Andy, not Hannah's husband. He says, and I do have a picture that goes with it. My son has made a replica World Cup for Father's Day. It's probably the most phallic thing you could imagine. And I have the picture. Oh, God. Oh, Christ.

10:04I mean, that really is. Oh, that is literally like your sister's dildo. But I see it. I see how the kid thought that that could also look like the World Cup. I get it. Can you imagine Andy looking at this going, wow. Yeah. We need some art lessons. He didn't do arts and crafts with his kid when his kid was younger. I feel like our kids would do something like that as well. Me mum never taught me. They'd be like, look, you put hula hoops through pasta now, shut up. That is fab. I said to a lady at school the other day, the kids came out with all their bags. Yeah. So I was like, oh, look, it's more emotional landfill.

10:41and then I was like and then I said what the fuck are we gonna do with that yeah and I was like we're gonna give it to granny and I was like oh I hope we got some box art coming with like an amazon box of the tissue hanging off it and then I was going like narrating like that thinking she was like going along with it yeah and I turned and looked at and she literally was looking at me as if I was the worst mum oh god and I was like what do you do with um the school books and she was like well we sort of go through them together and look at what they've been doing and maybe save or take a screenshot of some of the best ones or we put it into a folder and I was like so you don't put it in the skip and she was like no do you and I was like I'm only joking I keep everything I actually this is a really good question because I was gutting out one of the um utility the utility room and it's got lots of books from year seven year eight this episode is brought to you by state farm listening to this podcast instead of doom scrolling smart move another smart move getting help from one of state farms 19 000 local agents when you choose to bundle home and auto bundling just another way to save with the personal price plan prices are based on rating plans that vary by state coverage options are selected by the customer.

12:03Availability, amount of discounts and savings, and eligibility vary by state. What if I told you you only have 12 hours to legally have sex? To finding true love. Or just like a good guy. From the director of EZA and anyone but you. This whole thing is nuts. There's nothing traditional about this thing. On August 7th, the clock starts on the summer's biggest rom-com. I'm Owen. What about me and me? Monica Barbaro, Callum Turner. I've been told I'm a 7th. By who, your mom? No, she thinks I'm her 10. One night only. Rated R. Only in theaters August 7th. I get so many headaches every month. It could be chronic migraine, 15 or more headache days a month, each lasting four hours or more.

12:46Botox, autobotulinum toxin A, prevents headaches in adults with chronic migraine. It's not for those who have 14 or fewer headache days a month. Prescription Botox is injected by your doctor. Effects of Botox may spread hours to weeks after injection, causing serious symptoms. Allerge your doctor right away as difficulty swallowing, speaking, breathing, eye problems, or muscle weakness can be signs of a life-threatening condition. Patients with these conditions before injection are at highest risk. Side effects may include allergic reactions, neck and injection site pain, fatigue, and headache.

13:13Allergic reactions can include rash, welts, asthma symptoms, and dizziness. Don't receive Botox if there's a skin infection. Tell your doctor your medical history, muscle or nerve conditions, including ALS Lou Gehrig's disease, myasthenia gravis or Lambert-Eaton syndrome, and medications, including botulinum toxins, as these may increase the risk of serious side effects. Why wait? Ask your doctor. Visit BotoxChronicMigraine.com or call 1-800-44-BOTOX to learn more. I don't know what to do with them. I don't know what to do with them. Do I keep them? like I bin them I know it's awful I know it's awful but I mean I haven't got any of mine I wonder what our audience thinks what do you do with your books like I'm talking like this deep of books every subject what do you do with them it's like what do you do with kids teeth oh I chuck those yeah where do you put them whenever the tooth fairy has done her business usually down the toilet Yeah, that's where we put them.

14:12My friend keeps hers and she's got one of those, that's like a dinosaur wooden mouth and she puts them. Really? Yeah. And she was like, do you not do that? I was like, no. Yeah, but you do keep your umbilical cord. Oh my God. Louise. Oh no. Do you know what I brought with me? Oh no. Jesus, what is that? I brought my placenta oil in. Oh, Jesus Christ. It's actual placenta oil. It says mix me. So you can put this in if you want to drink some of my placenta oil. As in your placenta? Yeah, this is my placenta oil. But if you get a cut or something, put a little bit on, it's healing. Let me have a look.

14:50You can put drops in your tea or... But this is... Does it not go off? Well, no, apparently not. So that's my placenta goop in a little thing. So you can drink this, eat this. You can put a couple of drops in your tea. Will it sort out my perimenopause? Well, the reason I kept it, I've got another bottle of like liquid, because that's like an oil. Yeah. I've got a bottle that basically was, I was told to keep it and put it when I'm in my, going through my menopause. Yeah. To put it into a two drops a day into my tea or coffee. Well, we now know that placentas are worth 50 ,000 pounds. That little bottle.

15:28How much do you think I could sell that for on eBay? Like you're talking like I'm considering buying it off you. Maybe we should do a little price comparison. is that what you have what yeah that's all I've got for that yeah I love honestly that is I think I mean who knows she might it might just be a bit of olive oil that she's chucked in and pretended it's not the centre I mean it could be it could be next one anonymous I sent my five year old into school with fresh with his freshly washed coat later I was called in and the teacher handed me a sandwich bag containing my lacy black thong that had been stuck to the velcro oh no it's happened to us all it's happened to us all oh no yeah that's also very embarrassing yeah were the knickers clean well i'm gonna presume she did what i did and she's washed the right yeah coat because that mine was like you know the when they have the breakfast and lunch at school um or like if they go to breakfast club whatever they have to wear the apron that's got the thick velcro down it yeah so every friday i'd wash it and i was also handed back the on like the wednesday to say oh you know bradley's had to wear a one of the spares because i didn't think you'd want him wearing and then it was like there you go and it's my beige thong that had done 20 rounds in the washing machine stuck to the velcro and i was like and she i didn't want to pick it off and I was like yeah like why not why would you not do that well you don't like my beige embarrassing talking of teachers this goes on to my next um story again anonymous they say not technically a parenting fail but definitely an adulting fail I'm a teacher and it was sports day for reception to year two I'd carefully made the perfect playlist for the post event, family picnic, Disney classics, feel good anthems, all the wholesome, what have you done today to make you feel proud?

17:28Feeling very organized until the playlist ended. Without warning, it rolled straight into my liked songs. Cue full blown gangster rap and explicit lyrics. I've never sprinted so fast in my life. Turns out the only race I actually won on sports day was getting to the skip button. Oh dear. Louise. What were you listening to? And we've all done it in the car. I did it at Annabelle's Christening, Louise. Oh my God. Annabelle's Christening. Oh my God. We're all having afternoon tea. I was talking to my friend's daughter and she said, Auntie Hannah, when I'm older, I want to be like you. And we had beautiful music on and then there was a silence for a second and then all I heard was, i'm such a fucking hoe i love it and i was like and then i looked around i'd put a christening playlist on yeah on spotify and kanye west song came on and oh my god i have never moved i turned and i looked at like my best mates from school who were all sat on the table and then they all turned around they were like wait is he for in a club and so i literally sprinted to the bar and the lad was like this because my phone was locked and he was swiping up couldn't turn it off quick enough i was so embarrassed but i remember andy's nana she sat i'm so yorkshire like hey done what the bloody hell's that what was that swearing it was so embarrassing oh gosh oh god that's brilliant yeah of all places and now when if ever I say to my friends like oh should we put some music on they're like I'm such a f***ing home I love it it's like a running thing now but that was awful there was 92 people in that room do you remember that song by Rihanna I think it's called S &M and it goes cause chains and whips excite me it's such a tune but when you see a bunch of kids singing it yeah it's a bit like maybe not do you remember like talking to songs do you remember when I was younger like certain songs that you would just sing in the playground that were actually really quite weird like I remember going ooh ah I lost my bra I lost my knickers in my boyfriend's car I know there's more to it but I can't remember it and then all your mates are like ooh ah I lost my bra and then you think you have no idea what you're singing you don't even need a bra or like Christina Aguilera I remember the Dirty song came out and everyone started slut dropping.

20:06Yeah. Like, you have no idea. Wanna get dirty? Yeah. You didn't do like dry humping the air like an absolute whore. But you have no idea. Genie in a bottle got to rub me the right way. Yeah. I did not realise that was sexual. And I was like 25, I think, when that came out. And then Britney's like, I'm a slave. For you, it's like, get it, get it. And on the way to school, with your hair mascara in like you literally have no idea what you're saying and what you're doing but it was like britney christina like beyonce every time crazy and love came on and all your mates are trying to look like a dog in heat you're ready for the next one yes so one time my eldest who is now seven was changing his teeth so i'm presuming that's had a wobbly tooth and we're in Egypt swimming at the resort so when I saw his tooth had gone I was like shit my baby's tooth oh god crying face emoji I walked slowly through the pool for two hours to see if the tooth was there until I realized what if he swallowed it he did I waited for him to poop and used a diaper from the youngest to catch it once I had the cutest little turd in the world crying with laughter face.

21:26I proceeded to dig in it with my fingers like I was digging for gold. I found it, shrieked with a sigh of relief with poo all over my hands. My boy now says, I already knew you loved me so much, but now I know that you love me even more so much because you dug in my poo to find my tooth. A win's a win. I mean, wow. That is commitment. I mean, teeth are so small. that is like sifting I mean sifting through shit yeah but you're gonna find all sorts in there but like that is I mean I there's been many teeth that I couldn't find yeah because they swallowed it but yeah there is a hack to it you can get like a um like a nut what nut was it that I used and I just chopped it up to the size of a tooth and it looks exactly like a tooth I mean I'd rather do that than go through shit but I mean so much respect to her like what a woman wow that that's something that I wouldn't do yeah I I wouldn't do that but I I think massive respect to her yeah there was one night where the tooth fairy was coming but I remembered really late basically I had nothing apart from a 20 pound note did you give her 20 quid yes I did and a huge regret because that's a lot of money also not getting that for any other tooth but also I think the worst part was she told everyone at school and then the parents are looking at me as if to say are you kidding me you give your child 20 pounds and because at school with like a gold plate across the top And Terry's like, oh, yeah, two fur is like mint where I live.

23:12Oh, yeah. And I had to say to the minister, like, no, no, no. Like, I've never done that before. It was a state of panic. Yeah. I can't forget again. This is the only money I have. I have nothing. I have nothing. Yeah, so I don't. 20 quid. Like, looking back, I should have just maybe written a note saying, hence why your daughter currently has no teeth, because she's just pulling them out to get money. They're not even ready. like yeah she's got four missing at the front now your husband's got no teeth anymore he's just like Louise that's how we make our money we just pull our teeth out yeah she's got four missing at the front at the moment she's so cute so cute it's because when they get a lift on the finger mummy Bradley it's been nothing for me I'm like sorry you get the saliva off my face so cute I know and I made call on the cob and she was just like I can't eat this I'm like oh no of course you can't sorry what an episode I just love it we always There's always something to say.

24:09Always. Just when you think, I have nothing. There's always something. And thank you to our amazing community for writing in with your brilliant stories. And to make us feel a bit more normal. Yeah. Because we say our fails and then I think, is that actually normal? Like, am I okay? I know. But actually, yeah, we're doing great. We're all hanging on by a thread. Exactly. We're doing great. And, you know, we are all in this summer holidays together. We are in this together. Like and subscribe. Go through all the catalogue of our episodes. because I know that you're going to love them. Yeah, more coming your way.

24:46Close your eyes, exhale, feel your body relax, and let go of whatever you're carrying today. Well, I'm letting go of the worry that I wouldn't get my new contacts in time for this class. I got them delivered free from 1-800-CONTACTS. Oh my gosh, they're so fast. And breathe. Oh, sorry. I almost couldn't breathe when I saw the discount they gave me on my first order. Oh, sorry. Namaste. Visit 1-800-CONTACTS.com today to save on your first order. 1-800-CONTACTS.