"I Whispered I Hate You So The Kids Wouldn't Wake Up" Joanna Page On Marriage & Motherhood | No Parental Guidance

0:00Coming up, it's Joanna Page. Yes, she's here. Let's touch on Gavin and Stacey. Oh my God, it was so much fun. Filming the finale was horrific. Oh my God, I don't know how I got through it. Your iconic scene in Love Actually. Martin Freeman fondling you and dry humping you. I remember getting the script and it was like, oh my God, I am not bloody doing that. They give you such a Hollywood kind of makeover. I had a whole spray tan. Then they had like, it was a tiny little key string. It sounds like a porno. And I swear to God, it looked like there were about 200 people just all crowded around the monitors.

0:35Have your kids seen Love Actually? Oh my God. Don't think that's going to happen. Yeah.

0:47You survived the Miami weekend, nailed the speech, and maxed out your credit card in the name of friendship. Now you've got one hangover, four pastel dresses, and zero reasons to wear them again. Sell them on Depop. Just snap a few photos and we'll take care of the rest. And you at least get some of your dignity, money back. Someone on Depop wants what you've got. Start selling now. Depop. Where taste recognizes taste. This episode is brought to you by Redfin. You're listening to a podcast, which means you're probably multitasking. Maybe even scrolling home listings on Redfin. Saving homes without expecting to get them.

1:30But Redfin isn't just built for endless browsing. It's built to help you find and own a home. With agents who close twice as many deals, when you find the one, you've got a real shot at getting it. Get started at Redfin.com. Own the dream. Where is Terradoff? A minor. Don't miss the return of Marvel Television's Daredevil Born Again. So what's next? I've been liberated. We're going to take this city back. Over Medicaid. In an all new season now streaming only on Disney+. They're hunting us. It's time we started hunting them. I can work with them. This should be tons of fun. Marvel Television's Daredevil Born Again now streaming only on Disney+.

2:16Good morning. Hi, Libby. Nice to see you. As always. As always. The sun is shining. I know. Feeling refreshed. Yes. I have actually got a bit of a parenting win. Oh, okay. Please tell me. And this really did touch me. So my son. No, don't be darned. All the time. My son, he's nearly 14 and he's studying media studies for GCSE. And one of his projects was to design a magazine cover. Yeah. And he came home from school one day and he was like, mum can I show you what I've done in my media studies I was like yeah sure and it and he designed a magazine cover about me oh my god honestly it was beautiful and so he found a picture of me online that was like so I was on the front cover of this magazine and it was a professional picture so it looked lovely and he called it compass motherhood and he said the heart of the family the best the hardest but best job ever and this is your son that doesn't hug you now my son who doesn't hug me and grunts and calls me bruh um made me realize actually he does love me and he does listen like he talked about mealtimes the importance of mealtimes i'm like what this isn't this is amazing and then there was also um it said um the the mother is the heartbeat of the family oh my god i was really i was looking at going did he show you or did you know he showed me?

3:43And then at the end it went, mum has still got it. Mother, mother of three, author, legend. Oh, wow. And I was just like, did you do this yourself? Emotions activated. Activated. I mean, he did then ask me for£10 to go to the cinema. It wasn't a school project. I want£10 off my mum. Do you know, if my kids did a magazine cover about me, it'd be like Hocus Pocus, features, calories. No. That's so nice. But it was really lovely because he is at that age where he's a teenager. That's so nice. It was so lovely, I've got to say. Yeah, that was nice. It's like you really empower your kids though, don't you?

4:24I try to. Well, we all do, don't we? Yeah. We all try to. And it's remembering sometimes to empower your kids. And also the thing I don't do enough of is like empower my husband enough. You know where it's like sometimes it's easy to criticise the things they don't do rather than actually what they do do so every time in my head I think oh that's really annoying we joke and like oh wow he didn't um like stack the dishwasher properly or like he made a mess in the kitchen didn't wipe up so I actually look at the things he has done today that's like really positive and I'm trying really hard with that because otherwise it's when your hormones are going all over the place and you're tired and your kids aren't sleeping or whatever it's really easy to like nitpick at each other.

5:03Oh my God. But the pressure on women, on everybody, men have equal pressures as well. But on women now, where it's like now we are able to have our careers. It's like we want our careers as well. We want all this, like all these amazing things that we now have the right and we can do. But it's so hard to balance. It's really hard to balance. There was a stat that came out recently that was three quarters of mothers in the UK do the shoulder of most of the parenting, which totally makes sense. And I appreciate there are a lot of, there are stay at home dads and there are dads that work extremely hard and have loads of tabs open, et cetera.

5:48But I feel like it's that maternal responsibility that you have as a woman to grow a human, to feed a human. You always aren't like, there's studies and research about how women can wake up when the second they hear their child move and cry whereas men don't and it's that maternal instinct isn't it and it never switches off it never switches as well as trying to excel in your career trying to you know everything like try and look good and dress well and keep up with trends and keep on top of what like my husband's not in any whatsapp groups at school there was mine i know some dads are um i'm not throwing shade at every single dad but majority like you say three quarters of the women but also i don't know if your school does this but mine does when you sign up to the school and you're new to the school and you're you have to give an email address yeah you're only allowed to give one email address yeah so you basically have to pick one parent and of course it's going to be me yeah i would love to know because we talk about this a lot like this mental load and it's hard for us but i would love to know what you think what your thoughts are so please comment on youtube and let us know what you've struggled with and how you can relate to what we're saying because there's just so much going on so much i'd actually love to know if any dads watch this show i know dads that do do you do know dads that do yep and they tell me that um a couple of my friends sit and watch our program like a tv show on like on the tv once a week with their with their with the dad yeah they must be learning loads has any watched a show yet um he listened to five minutes once we're in the car and he was like oh babe this is right up your street you and louise you love talking and he goes at least you can chat to louise about this stuff and then i don't have to do it i was like but you don't listen to me anyway right tell us you fail i know you've got one so this was really one of the more embarrassing things that i've ever done oh god on holiday uh bradley and logan went to a kids club and they loved it they had this huge inflatable and they were had like a hose at the top of it just spraying water down.

7:48I came back an hour later and Bradley was like, mummy, there was a lady's just shouted at me and Logan. I was like, sorry? And they said, this little boy's mum, this French boy's mum has just shouted at us. And she's just been stood there watching us for 10 minutes. She shouted at us and said, oh, you English children, you don't know manners you you've pushed my son out the way you you shouldn't be on here you don't know how to go down the side properly and the the manager at the kids club was like I'm really sorry she was totally out of order she was really shouting at them she misinterpreted her little boy had slipped at the top and she thought that Bradley and Logan had pushed him out the way now Louise I'm not an aggressive person but somebody says something to my kids like any other mother I was like absolutely not today not today so I said I looked at the manager at the kids club and I went and like show my head you know like the Churchill doc and I said who's the mother yeah and she said well it's the tall slim French lady with brown hair and I says right well there was a lot of French people at our hotel so I says okay and I said Bradley Logan when we see her like I actually feel like my heart rate's elevated now talking about it mine has I says when you see her you say we do a code word the code word is the name of my tour express yourself so I said when you see her you look at me and you say mummy express yourself and I'll have a chat with her so I was like I'm not having this so anyway we went to dinner that night and I said have you seen her yet and Logan wears glasses but he wasn't wearing his glasses on holiday and uh Logan looked at me and went mummy express yourself so I says right it's showtime so then I saw this mum and I was like do you know what I said to Andy I was like that's so out of order and the fact that the lady at kids club told me they didn't do anything wrong yeah like I'm not being narrow-minded but I was like she needs to be told I don't want to speak into my kids again for the rest of the trip absolutely so uh I saw her and I said and that she went to the toilet and I said right I'm going so Bradley goes I need a toilet I said you know you stay here mommy's gonna go and have a word with her so I don't want you to come so I bounded to the toilet I love that you cornered her in the toilet and I waited till she came out the toilet and I looked at and I said I like puffed my shoulders up had my stilettos on for I felt massive and I said excuse me I said I think we've got a problem did you and she was like and I says yeah I was a bit I was a bit hormonal Louise maybe a little bit overly aggressive out of character for me not that type of person just say that first and I said um i guess you were shouting at my my sons today and i was like they didn't do anything wrong and i said no if i was stood there you wouldn't have shouted at my sons and i was like you i don't shout at your kids and i won't shout at your kids and i go so you don't shout at my kids you don't speak to my kids for the rest of this trip do we have an agreement on that and she looked at me and she went pardon and i was like and i says you i start louise i literally pointed in the face And I was like, you have been speaking to my sons like that.

10:58And then I realized it was a wrong lady. Oh, shut up. Oh, my God. She couldn't speak English. And I would sit there like, you, my kid. She was like, pardon, I like English. And I was like, oh, my God. And I thought, I think Logan, tall, slim lady with brown hair. There's fucking loads of tall, slim ladies at the hotel. oh my gosh Logan had said it was a wrong mum I was shouting at the wrong mother she didn't understand a word of what I was saying I was like I'm actually like so embarrassed that it happened so and she was like pardon and I was like bonjour I can't speak French so then I just I didn't even have a wee I just washed my hands and she was like looking at me and I was like not a problem not a problem let's forget about her did you find the mum the real mum yeah the real mum I saw her and that was they were leaving yeah the next day the actual mum was leaving and I was like do you know what I'm done with it so I just looked at her and gave her a right snooty look and like I proper gave it evils and then like looked away and then I don't think she cared she didn't care clearly not and Bradley and Logan were like express yourself mummy express yourself I was like I'm not expressing myself I'm trying I'm trying You help me, kids, and I'll help you.

12:47prescription medicine used to treat adults and children 12 years of age and older who weigh at least 88 pounds or 40 kilograms with moderate to severe eczema. Also called atopic dermatitis that is not well controlled with prescription therapies used on the skin or topicals or who cannot use topical therapies. EbGliss can be used with or without topical corticosteroids. Don't use if you're allergic to EbGliss. Allergic reactions can occur that can be severe. Eye problems can occur. Tell your doctor if you have new or worsening eye problems. You should not receive a live vaccine when treated with EbGliss.

13:12Before starting EbGliss, tell your doctor if you have a parasitic infection. Ask your doctor about EBCLIS and visit EBCLIS.lily.com or call 1-800-LILY-RX or 1-800-545-5979. Mom, can you tell me a story? Sure. Once upon a time, a mom needed a new car. Was she brave? She was tired, mostly. But she went to Carvana.com and found a great car at a great price. No secret treasure map required. Did she have to fight a dragon? Nope. She bought it 100 % online. From her bed, actually. Was it scary? Honey, it was as unscary as car buying could be. Did the car have a sunroof? It did, actually. Okay, good story.

13:47Car buying you'll want to tell stories about. Buy your car today on... Carvana! Delivery fees may apply. What if you could talk to cheese, ride a unicorn to the moon, or have a dance-off with a dinosaur? Welcome to What If World, a storytelling podcast for kids, where the only limit is your imagination. Each week, Mr. Eric and his friends answer your questions with thoughtful, original, and hilarious stories. What if trees became robots? What if a dragon was allergic to gold? Check out What If World wherever you listen to podcasts. Warning may cause you to giggle until you pop. I'll show you an icon who's been a staple on our screens for 20 years.

14:27It's Joanna Page. Yeah. Oh my God. So I'm excited. I know this is already going to be amazing. The energy of the room is real. It's good. We've literally been laughing since the second you walked into the studio. Yeah, exactly. You came in and we have not stopped talking. I know we have. venting yeah that's what we've been doing somewhere to go to just like vent and get it all out in the right place welcome to our studio and it's so nice to have you here so many so many questions to ask so i'm going to start with you've got you've got four kids four of them what are they ages they are 13 but she's like she's about 25 she's taller than me she looks so much older than 13 she's got a very wise head on her shoulders which is good good but that's something which i always found quite strange when she was born because she's nothing like me.

15:12I'm an Aries and really impulsive and just like throw yourself into it. And she's an Aquarius. So she's very artistic, but very weighs things up. And she looks at you and you can see she's thinking stuff. Whereas I'm like a Labrador going, come on, let's get on the roller coaster. And she's just like, no. And you know, and I find that quite difficult in the beginning. And I've had to sort of accept that she's not the same as me and that's fine because not everybody you know is maybe if she was the same it might clash well i'm just gonna say that that would be worse if you were like you met a smaller version of yourself that's what people come to like mothers are worried about that aren't they like she's a small version of me and if you're a bit stubborn yes yeah and also with things like with her growing up i mean obviously they should be allowed to try different things and express themselves and she's going to do all sorts of things but she doesn't tell me about or hopefully He will tell me about him.

16:02But I feel kind of like she's quite sensible. I know she's going to be a teenager and not sensible, but there will be a bit of it that she is quite sensible. Were you sensible? Well, yes, I was actually. I was sensible because I was an only child and I was very much like really driven, wanted to always be the best, just wanted to perform. I went to an all-girls school, didn't even have any contact with any boys at all. I was going to say. Yeah. And then suddenly I came out to do A-levels And I was like, Jesus, I don't know how you talk to them, how you relate to them. They're like aliens. Did you put them on a pedestal?

16:35Yes, I was utterly terrified. And sitting next to like this boy, because I mean, it was an all girls school and I was an only child. And all I wanted to do was like drama. So most of the boys I was with were all gay. I didn't have any relationships with boys until I got to like 16. And then I'm sitting there kind of looking at one going, well, how do you speak to them? I mean, how do you speak to them? So then suddenly in those years, I sort of went a bit berserk and then like calmed down a bit. What do you mean by berserk? Well, just sort of. Well, you're a bit of a slag. Is that what you're trying to say?

17:09Here she is with four kids. I just remember. I learned my way. I learned my lesson. Can we talk about your iconic scene in Love Actually? Yeah. Where you've got Martin Freeman fondling you. And dry humping you. And like, just talk us through that whole thing. Because I know in your book, originally, you were meant to be doing the other scene with Laura. Oh my gosh, yeah, the Laura Linney part. That's the part I auditioned for. I remember getting the script and it was like, oh my God, I just watched Notting Hill. And it's like, Jesus, I've got a Richard Curtis script in my hands. Oh my God, I can't believe this.

17:46And then I read it and my first words were, Jesus, I pity the poor souls who are going to be John and Judy. I mean, can you imagine? And then I went and auditioned for Laura Linney's part. Sarah went in and it was clear I wasn't right for it and you know I wasn't right so I left. Did you just get that sense? Oh god yeah I wasn't right I was too young and I was you know I wasn't old enough and I wasn't mature enough and then thought right you know move on and then my agent phoned and said darling they want to see you for the part of duty they think you're very funny and so um I was just like oh my god I don't know if I can do that I mean you know it's like it's full on I don't know if I could you know I I envisaged you in your audition having to go in read the scenes and be like listen do you want to see my tits yeah like yeah is that not how no no you just had to go in sit down read through the scenes and and sort of like act the scenes that you know so you're sitting on a chair in there and then like acting out as much as you can sort of going oh you know chatting away with Martin and then kind of pretending to sort of go you know and pretending to sort of do stuff but um but we didn't actually know what we were going to be doing then so I think I must have just sort of mimed doing things but before this I had done From Hell and that was like my first ever sex scene where I had to be topless and so I had done that but at the time actually when we were auditioning I didn't know how naked I was going to be it was kind of like they act out the sex scenes and stuff and how do you feel doing a sex scene when you're like oh it's just on top of someone is it awful is it embarrassing like do the men get a hard on well no I don't think they do because you always have a closed set and also I don't know oh no the ones that you're acting with.

19:18Yeah, if you're dry humping someone, like surely they're going to get a semi-hump. No, nobody's ever got anything when I've had to like, but I've only, I've had to do two things where I've had to do like full-on sex scenes and nobody got like an erection or anything because it's too terrifying. Are you a bit annoyed about that? You're like, hello? No, no, because it's too scary. Excuse me. But my husband, he's an actor, right? And he did a sex scene once and he has to lie down on it and he's got to be completely naked. And he said that the medic, and this is like years ago, around about like 1999 or something.

19:49So things were different. The medic came up to him on set and said to him, look, I've got a tablet that you can take to make sure that there's no action and nothing happens. If you want to take that to make you feel more, you know. That's the opposite of Viagra. Really? Yeah. Oh my God. Where do you buy that? I'll put it in on this coffin. Exactly. Ben, do you know what? Do you know what I'm saying? Bedtime, lights up. Yes. I'll just get my back and relax to see you. Yeah, and James, oh my God. no thanks I think I'll be perfectly fine and you know nothing's gonna happen with me and also I'll be scared it's not gonna go back up you know yeah yeah but no you you will have like a closed set but it's still utterly terrifying but what was good how many people are on a closed set so you'll have sometimes everybody will go out and you might just have the director there or you might just have the person who was doing the camera or or you know like when it was me doing it with um on love actually so you've got the rest of the cast but then you've got I think we had Richard and I think you might have had you know the person who was doing the camera and then i think you might have like a producer there or you know just like one other person you'll always have um hair and makeup in there and it's always loads of girls and you'll always have wardrobe in there with you as well because as soon as they go cat the wardrobe girls would come in and they'd put you know like a dressing gown around you straight away is there an intimacy coordinator there no because this was in round about 2003 back in the day so what's an intimacy coordinator when i left drama school right you had nothing so you basically would go on set and you wouldn't really talk about what you're going to do or what I did from hell right we didn't even talk about what we were going to do or anything it just in the script right and this is ages before I'd even had children in the script it says that Anne is having sex she's on top of Prince Albert and she's having sex with him it's two weeks since she's given birth but she's riding him in ecstasy on top I mean good god don't think that's gonna happen no um and then it says just as she's starting to climax a drop of milk starts coming out of the nipple I remember reading that and going I am not bloody doing that what's the fee hold on what's the fee do I want to be able to pay off the mortgage yeah okay I'll consider it um and so and so that's what was in the script because it's weird because everybody looks at you and thinks that's how you have sex but it's not because you're just so utterly terrified.

22:06And also, if it's for a sex scene, they give you such a Hollywood kind of makeover. We didn't talk about the scene at all. It was like they have sex and that's it, right? And then they took me, I was in hair and makeup for hours. They tongued all of my hair. Then I went in and I had a whole spray tan. Then they had like, it was a tiny little G string that I had to put on. It sounds like a porno. Yeah. And then they sprayed me down with all this glycerine. I mean, I looked incredible and I couldn't move when they went action. I just froze. And then I thought, imagine you're riding a horse. OK, you're just riding a horse.

22:40Ride that horse. That's what I told myself last night. And then all I could think of was Club Tropicana. Right. I just thought of George Michael and I was just singing that in my head and just riding this horse. And then they had to shout cat because I was mute. I couldn't make any noise. They came in and they said, you need to make, you're not making any noise at all. You're just, you know, you're mute. What if you're on your period or something when you're doing these scenes? Yes, well, that's the other thing. I mean, you are, you know. Well, you're not stuffed. You've basically, I mean, the reality is you've got to shove a tampon.

23:11You either have to carry on taking your pill or you have the thing that the doctor gives you where you don't bleed, you know, like... That's a consideration for this kind of thing. Or you shove a massive tampon up, cut the cord off and hope for the best. Oh, cut the right tail off. That's the reality. I mean, that's it. And I just remember seeing the distance. The monitor's there. and I swear to God, it looked like there were about 200 people just all crowded around the monitors. Everyone there just like watching and checking out their own thing of what they need to be looking at. But it was kind of like...

23:41That's a lot. That's a lot. I know, but this is nothing. We're saying to you, how was it having your boobs out? Yeah, exactly. You've done this a couple of years before. Yeah, because what was easy, right, was that... So doing that, I wasn't scared about my body or feeling fat or feeling unattractive or feeling... There was none of that. I never worried like, oh my God, do I look all right? Do I look slim or do I look, you know? The thing I was worried about was being sexy because I don't consider myself, I do consider myself to be a sexy person, but in my own way of being sexy. Like say I am having sex with James, poor thing, right?

24:15What do you must go through with me, right? Like no filter at all. I never, ever not feel sexy, but put a pair of like jeans on me and a vest, no bra, a pair of flip flops and just like my hair just all relaxed and no makeup. That is when I feel sexy. Have your kids seen Love Actually? because it's on, you know, every Christmas it's on. Like, do people come up to you and they're like, do people actually say, like, think that they know you because you're Stacey or you're Love Actually and kind of want to... Yes. Yeah, all the time. And my kids are now asking to watch Love Actually because they've heard about it and they kind of know the story in it as well.

24:46They know that, you know, mummy is nude in it and that I act out these things in it. So they haven't seen any of it because, you know, like the eldest one is 13. And, but it was, I think it was last year that I said, yes, okay, you can sit down and watch Love Actually. Mummy is going to have to fast forward through some bits. Oh, really? You will get to see me. When mummy's got a tip now. I'll have a birthday. She's going to like find it on YouTube. No, not really. Because I think, because they've grown up with always having like a sibling. My God, my boobs have been out everywhere. And like, you know, in public, say we're in a cafe and then Eva's sitting there.

25:18I mean, it's like my boobs are always out. Because when I fed, I've not even, I've got to the point where I've not even sort of tried to hide. I mean, after having Eva, my mum, the first time I ever breastfed in public. my god I just got them out and started feeding and mum stood up with a muslin and she literally stood up like it was a sheet and just held it over me and I was like for christ's sake just sit down what are you doing so they're used to my boobs being everywhere and you did fhm didn't you oh my god that was did you have your boobs out for that no I didn't what was that like I think they would have liked it if they had me oh god because I always wanted to be on fhm in my modeling days but I never quite got there.

25:55Oh, God. It was, well, it was, I was quite excited to do it because I don't consider myself a, like, sexy person. I'm not one of those sexy girls, you know. You've seen Love Actually, right? That was very sexy. Yeah, it was very sexy. But it's not. No, it was very kind of like, yeah, because you come across so, like, I don't know, innocent or something. It's not like parading out there. That's why I found that easier. I can do innocent and sexy. Innocent and naked. I can't do sexy and naked. that's when it gets like really embarrassing yeah but um oh my god doing fhm i was kind of like okay and it's for the comedy issue so it's not like i'm being expected to like really ramp it up and be really sexy and i remember we said i'll either do top or bottom because it was like i'm not wearing bra and knickers yeah but i'll wear like something skimpier on the top if i've got something full-on on the bottom or like pants on the bottom with like a vest or something on the top we turned up and there was they brought out a rack and it was just all really skimpy underwear standard yeah and uh and i just remember my agent person who was with me just going she's not wearing any of that we told you specifically what she was going to wear they said well we don't have anything else and she said well there we are then she doesn't do it and then they went okay but we actually do and then they brought some other stuff out really they had it that's really interesting because because when i was in my modeling days when i used to go to like castings whatever and a lot of the time because again there was no kind of regulation it was just like yes you know turn up oh here's a bunch of pretty girls and I remember like photographers would be like so this is for a topless shoot um but you won't see anything everything's covered but you don't have to take your top off anyway just so we can see how well you know I'm like 15 I'm like oh okay I'll just take my bar off to a complete stranger.

27:34And is that not really intimidating to be in a studio where there's like loads of men and obviously your agents would be there but like at 15 years old. But your agents aren't there I mean you know the amount of times I would go to auditions and you houses which you've never met before yeah houses yeah i've been to houses before and it yeah i've been in some situations where looking back you're like yeah i've been in some situations where they yeah this was like the norm in the 90s like taking everything off yeah everything it's like we're trying to get like a you know like a nice naked you know the whole like demi moore when she was naked in the 90s like covering everything up it's like we want to recreate that and it's going to be for a cover of this it's probably all bollocks yeah and so they're Some blokes probably just like taking pictures for his own collection.

28:19Yeah. And then I was talking to a wank band. Just like. Yeah. But he just turned up. He just did it. You would. You would turn up. You would do it. And I think as well, having the mentality of like a model or an actress, you know, if you want me to do the cover and you want me to be sexy, just let me do my own version of sexiness. Yeah, totally. And that will be fine. Totally. But they wanted me to do the poses and do the, of what, you know, those girls can do. Did they ask you to growl? I've had that before. Oh my God. That doesn't make me feel sexy. See, I don't growl when I'm having sex for crying out loud.

28:49It's ridiculous. Because I think there is a photo of me sort of going, oh, like that. And it's like, have you ever done that? It's so 90s though, isn't it? It's so 90s. And I remember him sort of. He was so big and male. And he was like, do this or do that with your hair and do that. And he was amazing. I mean, physically, he was like, he was so sexy. And then I had a bottle of champagne. And it was like. That will work. So that took the edge off. And then I managed to do it. And when I came out, I felt quite amazing. And then I saw the photos and it was hilarious, right? Because it was like full on.

29:23Everything had been photoshopped, right? And which I was quite happy with, to be perfectly honest. I was on the cover. What they've done to like my legs, I look like I'm about five foot eight. I'm five foot one and a half. And I'm like, where do these legs come from? That's just not me. I mean, but you know, I don't care because the whole thing basically isn't me. But yeah, but it was the whole sexiness of it that I felt a real pressure about. I think it's because I was in an all girls school. So boys and, you know, being, you know, kissing for the first time and all of those first steps I never, ever got to do.

29:57From 12 to 16, I was barren. And so I never, ever once thought about my physicality. And I remember going to somebody's pool party when I think I was about 13. and they'd all started developing boobs and they had like you know decent boobs and I was there and I remember wearing this crop top and um you know pants like bikini with Snoopy on and I was completely flat chested and she'd invited a boy and um I'd never once thought about being attractive or boys or anything like that and I remember he stood there and he looked at me he went oh my god what's wrong with you why have you got no boobs what's the what's why is there something wrong with you oh my god I remember it really hit me and I just thought oh my god I'd never even thought that there was anything wrong with me like oh my god I hope that dickheads watch love actually exactly but I just remember thinking oh my god oh my god and then I just remember thinking okay just push it out of your mind and I managed to push it out of my mind and carry on but I just I mean I still remember it I still remember thinking that but I don't know if it was my parents always bringing me up to be confident or just confident in myself and it's crazy to think that your daughter is like that age now and you remember that story it's so impressionable i remember we went on holiday once and i was about 11 i was a really late developer yeah and um and i used to swim all the time so that didn't help with like physique and stuff because i was like quite broad and yeah this um this lad said to me once he was like are you are you sure you're a girl oh and i was like what and he was like you've got such and he was going you've got such a like your chest like an ironing board and we were on holiday and it was like day two of a six day holiday yeah and i remember for the rest of the holiday thinking how can i try and look as if i've got boobs and i remember thinking if i get some cotton wool balls and put them down my swimming costume and all the girls had bikinis but i only owned costumes because i used to swim like thick costume straps yeah and there's days where i didn't want to go to the pool because these boys said that to me and when you said that but every every girl has had but he wasn't saying anything horrible he's just going but then to think that your daughter is I know now how how do you think your experiences might affect how you'll be thinking how can I guide her when I'm with I I watch all sorts of things I say not like in a like a mad way but I'm very aware of like say she's trying stuff out with makeup or you know say she's tried something new or you can see her experimenting and trying out different things and I've always started with I'm so proud of you you are such a strong intelligent young woman and you're so beautiful as well and you know it's like I always tag the beautiful on afterwards because for years I've always been said I do that as well actually strong intelligent you're amazing yeah but then I also do make sure that I would never walk in and go oh my god what have you got that on your face take it off you look ridiculous yeah that I'm always like oh my god that's so lovely I love the way you've done that oh you look so beautiful and i do you know i i'm just i just i'm very aware of what you say and even if it's so small is going to stick with them like if you do go why have you got so much blusher on yeah and you know what it's interesting you say that because actually that's triggered a memory i i was told that a lot you know regardless of being a model because yeah you turn up to castings or whatever even your agent and they're literally i look you up and down and go no like lose weight what have you done to your you need to do this like like I was told everything that we maybe think about ourselves yes I was told it to my face so then after a while you believe it yes and I think that definitely affected my um my self-esteem and my confidence there's only since I think becoming a mother yeah that I've gone to actually hang on a minute yeah my body's amazing and it's done miraculous things so sod the lot of you yeah yeah and that's embarrassing thank god you think like that because like there is a lot of women that wouldn't think like that and i mean like for yourself after having four kids how do you perceive your body and your body image now compared to pre-kids oh my god i think it's amazing because before kids right because i mean obviously it did sit with me that i always wanted to have bigger boobs i was i was like something like a 32 I was a 32b or a 34a my entire like life up until the age of 35 and I always wanted to have bigger boobs never really worried about what my face or anything else it was just always like I always wanted bigger boobs and I think growing up reading like Jess 17 and Miz and all of those it was like if you could put a pencil under your boob it meant you had boobs god I was told this I could put a can of coke under there yeah I couldn't put anything I mean I put it there and it would just be like, boom.

34:34Mine sort of came out. Oh, no, but I wanted that. Did you? Yes, I really wanted that. Because I watch Love Actually now and I'm kind of like, my God. It's like they come out and there's no. I always wanted boobs that go under like that and that you've got like an underneath that you could like lift them up. We always want where we haven't got, don't we? Yeah, because that looks really feminine to me. That is what I wanted. I've had girls at school doing that boob test, like putting like whatever. I've never heard of this. Oh, my God. There's actually something trending online of it and like, you know, you shouldn't be able to put a pencil underneath your boob.

35:04And there was this lady online who literally got like a bottle of wine. I could probably hold a bottle of wine under my boobs at the moment, to be honest. And yes, but I always wanted your boobs. Really? Because yeah, because growing up, it was kind of like, oh my God, you can put the pencil under. And that was like, oh my God, you've got good boobs. So that was something that always really stuck with me. And then now, after having children, I mean, my God, I just remember holding Eva in my hands and I just had a muslin across me. and I was just soaking wet. And I just thought, is this sweat? Am I sweating?

35:36And my milk came in like so quickly that I just remember going from like nothing to they just ballooned. I mean, my God, they were out here. I remember being so fascinated. I was taking like photos of her feeding and my boobs being out here and like taking photos because my boobs were bigger than her head. Oh my God. It was insane. And then suddenly I just had these gigantic boobs. Did you like it? I liked it and not that I felt sexy or you know like that it was like it was just like oh my god I finally got boobs this is amazing and since then I've now got boobs and they've now like they've gone back down to like a much smaller size because I was like oh something like a 38 double g at one point I absolutely love it do you can you put a pencil under there oh my god what's amazing is that and you know all the way through covid it was daisy may cooper wasn't it she would put stuff on her instagram saying this is what I can fit under my brain this is what I I can easily fit a pencil.

36:31I fit a Lego boat under there. I have done bottles of bubble bath. There was one day when I kept going into James going, look at this. Look what I can get under there now. I can put a pencil case under there. I'd be able to put that cap under there. We should have like a, we should have a, see what we can put under. I reckon I can like put that candle under my boots. Oh God, definitely. Definitely. I absolutely love my body. I've got, you know, like I've got my stomach now and everything and I've got scars. And then 10 weeks after giving birth to Kit, I had with my gallbladder removed. so I've now got this sort of like little pin tack type thing where they were supposed to go in through the belly button but they went in through the top so it's sort of pinned up this bit so I've got a lump there and then a lump there which is you know which is it's like I've got all like these little scars and everything over me but I love it and I just think oh my god it's amazing I've grown four kids yeah yeah and I fed them and it's just brilliant remember sometimes when you go home look at your kids and my three will be sat there and if they're a very rare moment when they're quiet together watching something on the tv and i look and i think i made them like i grew them and i think to myself like you know my stomach's like a deflated balloon yeah um and i don't care yeah i don't i don't know if it's since i've turned 40 last year yeah something has changed in me and i don't give a shit yes and i love to know if and it's really nice like because you're both in what you're saying as well like it's that body image that positivity that so refreshing to hear because there's so many women that are listening i'd love for them to comment as well on on youtube about this because it's like what are these points like what something has happened that's made you change yeah and it is having babies and giving birth but then i do think that age the perimenopause oh yeah and it's like i'm 49 now and so there's been a definite shift in me anyway absolutely amazing how's your perimenopause been it's been quite weird right because two years after having Bo, so I mean, so this is like, so I'm 49 now, so she's four.

38:29So yeah, so two years after having her, I was still breastfeeding her and I've never had any postnatal depression. And I was feeding her and everything. And then I just remember waking up and suddenly it was like there was this black cloud over me. And I just, I just didn't feel like myself, but I'm very much like, pick yourself up, move forward, just get on with it. Right. and I just remember you know having this black cloud over my head and not being able to shift it and sitting in bed and just crying and crying and crying and saying to James I don't know what's the matter I'm really worried that we're all going to die and say I die who's going to look after the children and you know how am I going to control the situation and we're all going to die we're going to die and I just don't know what's going on and I just couldn't shift it I just couldn't get out of it and I went to the doctor and spoke to her and she said I'm not going to do any blood tests or anything like that because everything you're talking about sounds like you are perimenopausal.