Konnie Huq on screen-time, leaky boobs & mum life mayhem

0:00Hey Chicago, class it up with Crocs. You know back to school is coming in fast. So why wait to find your new fave footwear? Step into a local Crocs store and step into your new look. Try it. Style it. Make it yours. Because the right pair doesn't just show up, it shows off. First day fits, handled. Walk out ready for whatever's next. Visit your nearest Crocs store today. Coming up Is it a sick burp? Is it bile? Is it carrots in it? Describe it Sniff it Lick it Tell me He sends me stuff on Instagram While he's on the toilet Yeah And that infuriates me even more For mothers that's like a spa day He cut the hair in the bath He pulled the fringe down And gone Oh my gosh Connie's here Hello everyone I'm so excited So excited to be here I'm very pleased to be here Oh yeah with your first one It's like I'm not going to give them sugar Till they're like an adult By the time the second one comes along, it's like eat out of the bin.

1:09Welcome to our brand new podcast, No Parental Guidance, where we share the highs and the lows. And the hilarious moments of parenting. I'm Louise. And I'm Hannah. And we are two mums trying to make it through the parenting trenches with humour, honesty and the occasional nervous breakdown. We have a lot of those. So if you ever have had one of those days where you just need to vent. Then this podcast is for you. Right. How's your week been? I mean, it's been busy. I've at the moment, I'm quite busy with my like day job. Yeah. So my in-laws come and like they live with us for about five weeks of the year.

1:41Now we're very lucky. Very lucky. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? But like my mother-in-law, we kind of have different, different things that we do. And she's quite vocal about how she does her things. I mean, it's not a mother-in-law. Yeah, well, I know. And you know when you kind of want to say, when she'll say, oh, you should do it this way or do it that way. That's what I did. I'm like, I know, but I live with what you brought up. So like, you know, it's so true. Just like, yeah, your child needs some work as well. Yeah. And they've got a dog. And I find sometimes like the dog's like rubbing its sexual organs around the kitchen when I'm trying to.

2:13I feel like you need a medal for this. I think I do. Like seriously, honestly, five weeks. I couldn't even do five days. It gets tough. Do you get like the side eye, like when they think you're doing something, you know, that they wouldn't do? Well, yeah, because the kids always play up, don't they, around grandparents, I find. So my kids will be like really well behaved. Generally, they're OK. They're not really well behaved. That's such a lie. Are you sure? No, they're not really well behaved. Like generally, they'll do what I ask 90 % of the time. But when grandparents are there, they couldn't care less what I asked them to do.

2:45They'll play up. They'll be cheeky. They'll go to bed later. And then that's when you get the side eye because it's like they'd be in bed if I was the mum. well that kind of thing that would never happen in my day they were potty trained by the time they were nine months well they weren't like that's not true it's like this distorted vision that like in-laws and parents have isn't it when they say oh well you could do that or your brother could do that when he was one it's like no he couldn't he could not wee in a potty when he was one but we'll probably do the same we will be we will be because i say that about my mother-in-law she's quite opinionated strong-minded i'm gonna be like they say that your partner marries somebody that's similar to their mum.

3:21Oh, cricky. Or they're like, you know, and I look at her sometimes and I think we could clash a little bit. And I think that's because we're quite similar. Yeah. Yeah. Do you reckon you're more like your mother-in-law than your actual mother? Yes. Really? Yeah, I do. I do, yeah. Yeah. My mum's like, she's Scottish. She's quite like shy and timid. She just goes with the flow, laughs at everything. And I'm so uptight. And I think that's why I reflect that on my parenting. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like my first child, I think he's quite uptight. and I don't know if that's the same thing for everyone that has their first child my first is more appetite than the other yeah because you think oh we must do nct oh because you know the health visitor said you must be eating solids at this age and you must be doing and then they change the guidelines and then you have your second kid and you're like you'll be okay like we'll get through it third kid bring yourself well exactly I mean I think that's why my third is just so feral and calm do you think your third oh no she's not calm no All right, so I was hoping you were going to say the third child's calmer because mine's only one.

4:19Definitely not calm. My calmest is my middle one. He is calm. I've even got like beckoned over by the headmistress the other day. And I was like, oh, God, here we go. And she said, I just got to say, oh, Sonny's a delight. I was like, yeah, he is. And you're waiting for the butt. I was waiting. I was waiting for something. He's been excluded from school. Yeah. Actually, no, there was one time I was pulled over by the teacher. And she said, listen, just so you know, he wrote on a bit of paper. and handed it to another child. It said...

5:15next visit your nearest croc store today go yourself to another kid and is that your love letter to your husband before you let her work and i obviously i was really like oh my god i'm so sorry and then i don't know why but i was like well did he spell it correctly you know let's have some kind of no there must be a silver lining somewhere but yeah so my my week has just been a bit chaotic my kids are being chaotic my house is a tip yeah there's loads of washing um i'm particular about whites reds and darks to wash everything together everything's just been washed together so you know it's that's where i'm at it's clean it was you know my mother-in-law did it she was being kind and i'm grateful she did it no that's really she just ruined all the clothes i own so apart from that right yeah yes okay so how how's your your week been well it's been full on been full on i've been all over the place i went to a festival recently which was amazing to kind of have some time to yourself and away from the kids and just forget everything just you and your husband yeah just us and that was did you have a conversation and be like oh we actually like each other we did we actually a lot of the time we sat in silence which was also really quite nice uh but then connected um but we had a great time we had a great time although i did have a bit of a parenting fail which i didn't think was going to be a fail at the time so the other day I was at home and I couldn't find my phone.

6:38So I asked Alexa to call me. And then my phone rang and I was like, oh, okay, it's over there. Brilliant. Fine. There's my phone. Thought nothing of it. Then when I'm away at this festival, my phone does not stop ringing. And it's my five-year-old who has asked Alexa to call me. And she's calling me over and over and over to the point where she woke me up in the morning. I thought I'd have a nice lion. you know I've got my tent yeah I've got nothing to do apart from wake up and do what I want to do but no no phone rang oh no mummy what's for breakfast I'm like are you kidding me I'm in a tent in a field and you're still managing to ask me these things when you're away at a festival the last thing you want to do is have to deal with all the stuff that you've thought you'd left behind.

7:28And then you get that mum guilt, don't you? Yeah, well, exactly. I was watching a private special gig by Groove Armada, which was insane. But I spent most of that on the phone to my daughter, who was telling me to listen to her do a wee. No. Have a great time though, mum. Yeah. And here we are in the summer holidays, trying to survive it all. I think we're a weekend. how are you getting on how are the kids how are you again how am i surviving i i put my kids into holiday club yeah it's like the summer's busy period for work and um i get really anxious because last year i got a phone call from holiday club to say listen can we have a chat please when you come in so i was like well they haven't been sent home so it's okay now in our garden we've got like two boys uh six and eight and and a little girl who's one the the boys do bush wheeze when they need to have a wee they just wee in a tree it's fine or they're going to go all the way to the house put their muddy feet in so it's like just wee in a bush it's fine every boy does it just get your winky out whatever um and my little boy they were playing a game and he didn't want to run into the school because the holiday club is at the school didn't want to run in so he just urinated in a bush next to the playground but the bush wasn't a bush it was like a weed so he just weed on the floor onto what was like like that like a tiny little like segment of the playground so then the teacher's like you know he's he's just weed on the playground that's not acceptable like it's not acceptable and I was like I totally get it's not acceptable but it's kind of holiday club you know they've got a pat lunch they're having a great time non-uniform still at school um my um my kids I went into a holiday camp as well like a football football day camp and it was all my kids and all of my sister's kids so then my sister and I were like this is absolutely brilliant let's go and have lunch so we go for lunch and we've just ordered you know a bottle of rosé just just tucking in and my phone goes and it's the club and uh the guys on the phone goes um your child's just thrown up my child is not a throwing up child yeah doesn't throw up like really really doesn't so I was like hmm and I'm like are you sure are you definitely sure and he was like yep I saw the bottle of rosé here are you sure I really are you sure it's like yeah I saw I saw the I saw the sick and I actually went did you smell it and he was like no but I'm pretty sure it's sick I was like do you have children no I was like okay and I'm already thinking I don't think this is genuine but obviously and he's thinking this mother doesn't care excuse me have you sniffed my son's sick like is it by it was it a sick burp is it bile is a carrots in it describe it sniff it lick it that was tell me and and then i got to the point where there's a bit of silence on the phone and i was like fine i'll come and get him let's fine i'll come and get him which did he sniff the sick though i don't think so okay if he had smelt the sick he would have smelt monster munch roast beef flavor because what my son had done was churned them all up in the sink and then put it in the toilet so it looked like sick but it wasn't sick just to get out of the club okay so I had to then pick him up take him home he's absolutely fine my lunch is ruined the wine was left the wine was left did you take that with you though no oh okay no but I was like why why would you do that our guest today is a tv presenter author best known for her 10-year run on blue peter making her the longest serving female host in the show's history She's also a mum of two Connie Hook is with us today I'm so excited I'm really excited She's going to be awesome I used to watch her on TV All the time All the time She's my favourite On Blue Peter I want to know Her parenting fails I want to get in there And find out How does she do it I want to be Peter Badge I do Do you think she's got Something in her bag Maybe not after what I've said on the podcast You're not having A Peter Badge I'm having my kids feel With all their Fake puke stories Connie And it's Connie Connie's here Hello I'm here, everyone.

11:34I'm so excited. I'm so excited to have you here. I'm very pleased to be here. Welcome to No Parental Guidance. In your lovely teal set. I know. You're dressing too much. I'm just blending in. I know. I'm just blending in. Very nice indeed. So we all want to know, what kind of parenting, what kind of mum are you? Are you really crafty because obviously Blue Peter, have you got everything sorted? Do you know what? I'm a keep them alive mum. That's good. That works. You could say I'm a bit of a crafty mum. I mean, I am naturally into sort of mend and make do and upcycling and stuff like that. And my youngest son, Huxley, he's totally into like...

12:09How old is he? He's 11 now. But even from a young age, like my husband has got an Amazon habit. So we've always got cardboard boxes and I'm one of these, I can't bear throwing things away. And it comes with so much packaging. It does. I literally have like loads of corrugated cardboard boxes at home and brown paper. And one day I came in the kitchen and Huxley's lying on the floor. He must have seen this on his internet. He's got a box on his head and he's just looking at that. And he'd cut out a hole and put his iPad on top. Oh. And made the box into some weird screen. Oh my God, that's really smart.

12:42I know, right? I mean. Did he get that from Blue Peter? Yeah, I was going to say, did he get a badge for that? Well, yeah, no, no badges there. You have to earn your badge. We're quite disappointed that you haven't got a badge for us today. We really have. I don't carry them around. I might get mugged. And then the oldest son is very techy, like his dad. Although they're all into gaming. I'm so outnumbered in a house of three boys because they're continually, continually on screens and iPads and so on and so forth. And how do you feel about that, though, because of your background? Because it's such a stigma where people are, oh, screen time and stuff.

13:19But the reality is, like, boys, kids. My boys are, like, eight and six, So I know that's the next step for them. So you're kind of in that. I'm your future. Yeah, you are my future. Give me tips. Like what's the next thing? What age do they start? Well, mine are 13 and 11. And I feel they came out of the womb gaming, literally. Charlie, my husband, started off as a games reviewer. So that was his first job. He used to write for gaming magazines. So he's so into gaming. So I'm outnumbered in the house. So I always used to say, like, I'm analogue and you're digital. literally if something can crash on me need an update go wrong you know that will happen to me um and you know all the mums are like i only let my child have half an hour of screen time literally my children have half an hour off screen time and that's probably to go to the i think i think a lot of parents probably do the same but they don't they don't admit it yeah because but also my eldest is at secondary school your eldest is everything's online all the homework yeah the lessons it's all online you know there's an app that I can't remember what it's called, but my son showed it to me.

14:24If you hover this app over a maths question, it does it for you straight away, gives you the answer straight away. This is the way everything is going, isn't it? It's like there is, and I only figured this out because I kind of saw him do it and I was like, what are you doing? He was like, oh, nothing. And I was like, that's why you're so smart. You're using an app. Hopefully not for everything. But we have to be careful. Like, honestly, it's not just about predators. It's about these apps that do their homework for them. It's like in Wall-E, you know, in Wall-E, the cartoon where in the future, everyone's sort of going around in these essentially weird things, just sort of slapping from their big smoothies and like being obese.

15:04And the computers do everything for them. I know. And that is, that's where we're going. And how do you find that having two boys, what's your relationship and stuff like with them? I always thought number two was going to be a girl. I was so convinced. And then when, you know, we went and got the blobby scan, And I'm like, no, this can't be right. And actually now I can't imagine being a mum to a girl, weirdly. You just so slip into it quickly. And I'm a real girl's girl. Like, you know, I was totally, I'm not going to have a child to take shopping and buy things, you know, that mum girl thing.

15:39But, yeah, I mean, they do wake up and ricochet off the walls from morning till bedtime, literally. and I watch some of my mum friends that have got girls that are sort of sitting and crafting and it sounds like that is stereotypes. No, they don't all do that. Oh, good. My daughter's definitely not like that. She will do, but then she's the loudest and the most fieriest and the one that gives me probably the most stress. Is she? How old is she now? She's five. Okay, wait till the teen years as well. I'm dreading it. Because I've been told, don't worry, in the teen years, they'll just grunt and want feeding and meanwhile, the girls are really complicated.

16:12Oh, yeah. Because obviously, us women are more intelligent and advance them. Obviously, babe. I'm going to get cancelled now. This is why I should not be let out into public. I always say it to me. No, but we mature a bit faster, I feel, but I could be wrong. Okay, I'm just covering my base. No, we do. It's true. Okay, good. They've said it as well, so we're all cancelled now. Yeah, exactly. So, yeah, it is, you know, a household full of socks and mess. Oh, I love the socks. Why? Why? I know. The socks. Why just take them and leave them wherever? It drives me mental. And shoes as well. Oh, my gosh.

16:44I'm always driving over my husband's size 11 shoes. And I'm like, if you can't put them away, what hope do we have for our children? Do they put the toilet seat down? You know what? They do, actually. But I think I've trained them from an early age. You know, so I always think it's learned behavior. Yeah. So actually, when I got together with my husband, sometimes he wouldn't close kitchen cupboard doors. And I'm like, oh, my God. That is, I know. And I'm a messy, I'm not a neat person. And he's quite a messy person. So by default, I had to become the tidy one because otherwise it would be insanity.

17:19We'd just be living in a rubbish tip, which we pretty much are anyway. With Amazon boxes everywhere. I know. And so basically I made sure from a, it drives me mad if the toilet, I'm a bit like, yeah, militant about certain things. I've told my boys for, you know, since they started potty training, put the seat down, pour the flush. They don't do it. And there's we everywhere. I watched a video the other day and this woman encouraged a guy with a hose pipe. So basically, I had to stand there and the operator of the hose pipe at the tap was switching it on and off and folding the hose pipe back and forth.

17:55And then this woman, in the end, was trying to spray the water into a bucket. And he was like, this is what it's like as a guy to wee. It's not a regular flow. You know, when we do wee, sometimes it's like, psh, and then calms down a bit and then you're like, pelvic floor. Here we go, we got second round. So it's actually looked really quite difficult to wee. really that difficult. And not the pressure of a hose pipe. It's not that great. But I did think, you know, I'm saying to my kids, stop weeing everywhere. Can't they just sit and tuck it between you? And then that would just help. You know, we sit.

18:25That's the quality if we all sit. Yeah. Maybe we should start a campaign. Yeah. Sit down. Yeah. Sit down campaign. Yeah. And then the seat's always down. We're all happy. There's no wee anywhere. It doesn't smell of sugar puffs in the bathroom. Oh my God, the sugar puff smell. Yeah. Oh my God, it's so sugar puffs. Yeah. At least we're not the stage Or I'm not the stage Where there's like pubes everywhere It's just we For now But you know But that's your future Yeah Is your eldest quite grumpy? He isn't actually Oh okay Tell me a secret Mine is so grumpy Oh he isn't at all It's really weird But I know what you mean Because I've seen other kids Older boys are grumpy He's really Especially in the morning I think maybe he's not a morning person Yeah mate Are you a morning person?

19:05No not really Oh there you go Genetics isn't it? Genetics is my fault Is your husband a morning person? No Okay, there you go. So the whole family is so happy. We all sit down and have breakfast together in silence. I'm a ridiculously morning person. I don't know how this has happened. I used to be one of these that can literally get up at lunchtime or beyond. And now I'm in with the sarcadian rhythms. I mean, not intentionally. I just wake up really early without an alarm. I never wake up with an alarm. Then I get so much done. It's like the power hours. Are you one of those that wakes up and is like, today's a day to excel?

19:40I mean I wouldn't go that far that excited for the day but I'm not tired but I wouldn't yeah I'm not I'm not a very live love learn person in general um but yeah I just feel that I love my sleep I need eight hours and this is insane but now I've got it down to a tee so we feed everyone at like six o 'clock in the house unless like my husband's working late or I'm working late if we can we'll all eat together at six yes and then i'll literally like i don't know do everything to make the kitchen tidy enough for the next morning um and then go upstairs and that's like a barrier to eating more chocolate because i'm a chocoholic so i have to have the sweet stuff after the savory and i make sure i brush my teeth and then i get in bed by seven o 'clock i'm in bed and i'm doing you know emails yes and everyone else i know and i call it getting into the office i've even been known to do it in the i wrote so i've written kids books i wrote them all on my phone and my ipad in notes on the go and sometimes i just say to people i'm getting in the office and that just means i'm getting in bed and i'm really productive honestly weirdly i'm quite productive in the bath oh wow okay maybe it's because like we feel the kids yeah because if you're by the kitchen or by the living that's the kid zones and then it's like i can't have a snack yeah yeah I don't usually get bothered Especially by the older boys Because they're like disgusted that I'm naked So they never come in So we're finding our little solace Our oasis So now you've got a 13 and 11 year old But do you have memories of like the postpartum And the young years And it was a bit tougher Oh my gosh do I have memories I mean honestly I've always said actually That I think parenting Is the best kept secret and when I had kids I don't feel there was many things like this parenting podcasts and so on and so forth so I do remember like and everyone goes through at that time of like will I ever sleep again will I ever get a whole night you really think you'll never ever get a full night's sleep again that's why you go to bed at seven yeah making up for lost time yeah make up go to the office um and you know that thing of also will I ever be able to even watch a whole film because i'd literally be watching something i'd say something like you know let's watch something that's half an hour because two hours is too long as soon as the time can i ask is that is that a thing like will i ever be able to watch a film because i'm not on stage you will be able to watch a film and i didn't believe it at the time you will be able to and i thought i could do it i was like why didn't anyone tell us why didn't anyone tell us like did you feel that you just didn't appreciate how little sleep you'll get yeah i remember thinking and what exactly what you just said with my with my oldest the first time i became a mother i think it's about three or four weeks in and i remember thinking oh my god is this it this is my life now forever yeah i'm never gonna sleep ever again because i wasn't online i wasn't really reading anything online and i didn't have any friends that had children so i was like i felt completely alone yeah and i think also going back I don't think there was as much on offer for parents as there is now no and you just say to a friend wouldn't you like I haven't really slept for like since the baby was born and they're like yeah that's what happens and you're like okay well why didn't you tell me that yeah before I went out and had two bottles of Prosecco and a couple of shots and got pregnant yeah why didn't you mention that before then but the other day there was a there was a dad with the pram like I kind of I didn't know if it was the first time dad I'm in my head he was the first time dad and he was pushing the pram like trying to shush the baby and and i really felt for him because i could just feel his like i'm tired and i just ran down the window i went it gets easier and then he was like thanks i feel like he might needed to hear that so yeah i really felt when i first had kids that i could do everything because like we said it's the best kept secret and we are superheroes and we are superheroes totally um so i remember first of all there's two things that actually two stories that stick out in my mind uh number one is oh boobs exploding with milk because i thought i could work i remember i was um presenting this show for sky called king of the nerds yeah and it was filmed in chelmswood so i was like i can't overnight because i've got a five month old baby um so i would have to wake up i was breastfeeding i would wake up and leave the house before the baby had woken up yeah I would be picked I'd wake up at five uh have to express milk yeah leave the house before I've even seen the baby and I remember because it's one of those where you film a lot of actuality in the house with the contestants I would be saying oh I think we've got that in the can that's a wrap brilliant you know and I was willing us to wrap because I knew if I got on the A406 in this little window i'd miss rush hour so i needed us to finish early and if i didn't i'd sit there with my boobs so in pain i know it's like your nipple just absorbs into your boob at that point where you're so engord oh my god i was once at the baftas in a sheer dress oh gosh and i know i know how old was your baby at this time oh you know still breastfeeding so however many months and honestly i remember having to go to the toilets and then stuff loads of like tissue in my bra and also squeeze actually squeeze my boobs oh security was like there's there's a woman in there i think she needs some help is she okay i mean thank goodness the red carpet bit is fast because i could see you know two stains would be not a good look isn't it difficult like for So I used to present a lot of sporting events and I used to take, I was breastfeeding, I'd take a mini fridge with me.

25:30I used to, I had this mini fridge from Margos and I used a USB cable. I'd plug it in under the decks, the sound engineer's decks. And I'd be announcing stuff while I had my breast pump. So I'd be announcing players on, like last year I did the 2024 Olympics in Paris. And my daughter was like 13 months old, was breastfeeding. She only had two feeds a day. I went over to Paris for two weeks so a I felt awful for leaving abandoning my child I'd left enough milk that I'd express two feeds a day in the freezer so everything was fine I kept pumping so I was announcing like the Olympics like all these footballers coming into the stadium interviewing them with the the breast pump that was in your bra and I wouldn't go too close to the mic because it'd be like came home went to feed her and it was as if she'd never been breastfed complete waste of time I mean she was like 14 months old then yeah and it wasn't being like mother earth where it's like I've rested for like till my child was 15 it was just one of those like things I thought I let her naturally decide but when you're working and you're at events it's like you say you can't just go sorry guys can we just wrap up because I my t*** is going to explode here they're gonna burst I need to get on the road it's like you can't do that can you absolutely and it's sort of still it feels so taboo and you just feel like you're going to be really judged any parenting fails we've got loads of ourselves but I'd love to know if you've got any yourself um a really major fail was when we took up we were taking our kids away on holiday and basically you know that when they do a really yellow runny poo a baby's lots of really sort of yellow runny poo so we're going on the plane we happen to be in snoot's class and suddenly I can tell that his nappy is exploding oh god yeah a punami exactly and so i go into the toilet to change him yeah and then she's like the small oh my gosh it's absolutely impossible no place to change absolutely and it's a stinky one yeah and i'm like oh my god i feel so embarrassed and you know everyone's boarding the plane and i'm just in here like you know when you're just thinking how do i how do i navigate this anyway then i come out and there's charlie is talking to the air stewardess and she's like oh does your baby have like a bad stomach and he's like no no and it wasn't a bad it's just a runny poo yeah it's a baby yeah uh do you want to take the next flight what yeah what what's going on and then and then i heard her say uh another gentleman said that he there was some poo and some poo had slid the kid was wearing shorts a bit of poo had slid down onto like the thing that you walk on to get onto the plane and he'd rolled his suitcase through it oh no and charlie wanted to stay on the plane i wanted to get off the plane i was like there's that girl off the telly that can't even continue she's worked in kids telly her whole life and she can't even control her own children and and i wanted to get off quick so he really didn't want to and i was like yeah yeah really bad stomach and we're gonna get off this plane or whatever because i was so I didn't want to sit on a flight with the rest of these people that all knew what had happened.

28:30So there you go. That is a major parenting thing. And then you had to wait with a baby for the next flight. What's worse though? I don't know. I don't know. But I was just so embarrassed. I didn't want to be with these people that had witnessed all of this stuff happening. I do find that with my first, I got embarrassed so much more than the other two. Like the other, when you get to that, I was like, I don't care. Like she's going to poo you. With your first one, it's like, I'm not going to give them sugar until they're like an adult. And, you know, they're only going to play with wooden toys.

29:00By the time the second one comes along, it's like, eat out of the bin. You know, play with this electrical flex, all of that stuff. Go feed yourself, hon. Second kid. Yeah. Wow. I love that you actually got off the plane. That's very considerate. I think so. I think I'm very nice like that. Connie, thank you so much for being our guest. Thank you. Thank you for having me. We have no parental guidance. Yeah. And we do like men. We do like men. We do like men. And I guess we're all in this. They have their moments, yes. But thank you so much for coming on the show. We really, really, really appreciate your stories and your journey.

29:33Thank you for sharing with us. Oh, thanks for having me. So as you know, this is a safe space for parenting fails. No one is perfect. That's right. We've shared our parenting fails. Now it's time for you to share yours. Right. Do you want to go first? Right. I'm going to go first. Okay. because I feel like this is definitely where I am at the moment. This says, My 13-year-old told me the night before that he needed his PE kit washed for school. Standard. I completely forgot. The next morning, he frantically searching for it and I'm trying to convince him that wearing last week's kit isn't that bad.

30:07We all do that, don't we? We do, yeah. He refused and ended up borrowing kit from the school's lost property, which we all know is a bit of a... Hey, Chicago. Class it up with Crocs. You know back to school is coming in fast. So why wait to find your new fave footwear? Step into a local croc store and step into your new look. Try it. Style it. Make it yours. Because the right pair doesn't just show up. It shows off. First day fits, handled. Walk out ready for whatever's next. Visit your nearest croc store today. Low point at lost property. later he came home mortified before because the only pair of shorts they had were bright pink oh no size is too small safe to say I'm never forgetting the PE kit again oh my god can you imagine 13 year old as well that's when like that's the age kicking in when you're like but you know there's there's no harm in wearing a dirty PE kit I think when I was at secondary school like I'm not I shared a PE kit with my friend for that the entire of year 11 I don't think it ever got washed and we shared it oh yeah we used to have a girl at school I don't want to say her name but she was called Rachel and she used to piss herself all the time so we called her pisser pants really original and she used to smell like sugar puffs all the time and one day I forgot my PE kit this is raw I haven't told anyone the story before but um she I forgot my kit and I had to wear something out of lost property now Rachel's pants that maybe somebody thought will wash them for her were put into the the lost property bin and the whole bin smelt of sugar puffs and I had to put the and I know that her urine was on oh god the outfit and it really my heart rate's elevated just thinking about it now and I remember going out for being with the real crusty and you know when you just get like you're jumping around and every time you do like a stardom I got the whiff of like oh no that's disgusting Rachel's wee oh Rachel what are you thinking yeah she put my shoes in the shower in year seven as well she sounds great yeah at least something got a wash um okay so next one my biggest fail was worrying I hadn't socialized enough with my three-month-old baby I'd read a book and it was telling me all about the early years and the sensory play you must do and the reading you should do so I woke him up from his nap to socialize with him he then screamed bloody murder for two hours that was the last time I read a parenting book.

32:32Why would you wake up a child to socialize? Well, who has time to read a parenting book? Like have a cup of tea, listen to a podcast, maybe this one. Oh no, never, never, no. No. Oh bless her though. Must be her first child. Yeah, obviously. You just would not do that with your second or third. Like did you do lots of groups with your babies? I was that, well, I think I said on episode one, I took my baby to swimming lessons thinking that he needed to know how to swim before he could actually crawl. Add in PTE age two. Yeah. Oh, and then on top of that, we then thought it would be a great idea for this horrific, really stressful moment to then make a Christmas card out of it.

33:08So we've got a photographer. There's a Christmas card of us all underwater. The baby's screaming. We've got Christmas hats on. We look stupid. Who celebrates Christmas underwater? I mean, I don't know what we were thinking, but it's a classic first time parent. I've got to be doing this. I've got to be doing that. The pressure of like, my child needs this. So the fact that this poor lady needed to socialize with her three-month-old baby, I'm not going to remember it. As well, you know the whole photography thing when you go to a baby group. Oh, my God. At a baby group, the times are usually the worst times.

33:36They'll be around nap time, lunch time. Yeah. You get there. You know your baby doesn't want to be there because you're trying to get a routine by that stage. And then they're crying all the time because they're hungry. Or you sat there with your boob hanging out. And there's like always a dad that comes and sits near you. Like, oh, sorry, I'm just going to breastfeed. It's really awkward. And then there's a photographer there. And it's like, I paid 35 quid to get a picture of my son and he looked like Shrek. Like, you know when people say, oh, he's so cute. He wasn't cute. It got the worst angle.

34:04He was angry. He was mid poo. And this photographer was like scrolling through going, what a lovely picture. And you know, that postpartum sweaty chest that you have. And then the mom's like sweaty and like, this is not, this is not the image I want to remember. And then you pay contactless and you're like, oh, we're getting a printout and a copy sent on like an email, are we? My husband was like, will you stop spending money out of the joint account on stuff like that? Didn't keep the picture. It was awful. But I felt pressured as a mum. But that's the thing. We do feel always the pressure. Right.

34:33Okay. Talking of pressure. The next one. I was convinced I could multitask like a pro. So I tried to change a nappy whilst talking on the phone and drinking tea. Oh, my God. I ended up spilling tea on the floor, dropping the phone in the nappy bag and putting the clean nappy on backwards. well there you go I mean we can't I think generally mothers women we are all superheroes we can multitask but maybe that's a bit much because there's liquids liquids phones all sorts involved maybe it's not yeah a bit too much a bit too much what kind of things do you feel that you try and multitask too much with I I can do a lot see now I might be kind of going into my husband's why he spends a lot of time on the loo when I'm on the loo obviously I'm not there as long as most men yeah but I do manage to kind of get a lot done whilst I have those few seconds on the loo if I need to reply to an email or a text yeah I'm class rep so there's a lot of what's that and I had to be like right it is actually pee tomorrow or there is sports day tomorrow and I managed to do it on the loo uh for those few seconds before the kids come running in asking for something yeah do you have like a locked door policy in your bathrooms no there's no point no because they will either shake it bang it put their fingers under the door put notes under the door or scream or because all light switches and toilets are well I think the majority of them are outside the toilet door they turn the switch on and off to the whole time so I'm sitting in the toilet like it's like on off on off and I'm like guys leave me alone and they don't do it I'm doing a class admin here yeah leave me alone the toilets leave me alone but they don't do it to my husband he can literally go for a full-on 45 minutes well my husband will come in from work and he's like hi baby all right and you know when you've been on your own with the kids all day and you're like Just take them from me.

36:18The baby doesn't scream in. I can't go. And he'll be like, babe, sorry, I'm just going to go upstairs. I just need a poo. And I'm like, you've been out all day. You've had time to empty your bowels at any point during the day. I haven't even had a wee or eaten anything. And then he'll come in and he'll go upstairs to the toilet. The kids never disturb him. Why is that? How do they manage it? I don't know. I don't know how they do it. Because he sends me stuff on Instagram while he's on the toilet. Yeah. And that infuriates me even more. Yeah, because you're having a nice time up there. Yeah. For us, for mothers, that's like a spa day.

36:48It is. Just to be able to scroll on Instagram and do a poo. Open the dishwasher. Jesse actually calls it, my husband calls it a luxury poo. He knows the luxury he's actually getting from this time. So he's aware of it. Oh, he's aware. Yeah. Does it anyway? Does it, yeah. Of course I do. I mean, I would if I could, but. You can't because you're a mother. No. Yeah. So my 12-year-old daughter decided to try out the makeup trend she'd seen online before school. She fluffed her eyebrows up with hair gel so they looked laminated. Oh, God. baked powder under her eyes and just looked like a cake and then outlined her lips with brown lip liner way outside her natural lip line sounding like pete burns here and topped it off with clear gloss oh the amount of highlighter she'd used to make her look like she was glowing in the dark you could probably see her from space i didn't notice until we were halfway to school and she was so proud of her look that i didn't know what to say i felt so bad i let her go into school knowing her friends would take the mickey.

37:40I guess she has to learn. Oh, bless her. Oh, you see these girls, don't you? You see them. And they've probably seen it on something like TikTok and they've got that looks really cool. I don't get the whole lip liner over the lips. Yeah. I just think it's so obvious. Yeah. I just don't. I've never, I've never liked it. People try and do it to me in the makeup chair sometimes. I'm like, just stick to the actual lip. Yeah. Thank you. And the eyebrows. I used to I used to go to um I used to be late for school sometimes on a Wednesday when it was market day where I grew up because we go to the sweetie man and get some sweets with our money and um I used to go into like super drug and boots and boys and I'd go like user testers and so we do like we'd look like an aber tribute act on our way to school we looked horrendous and we get to school you know the hair mascara and the teachers will be like Hannah you're late and I'd be like yeah I was late for the bus it's like you don't get the bus to school you live around the corner and then it's like obviously we've been into town and then about a year later I used to get these like really awful like spots on my lip and I realized I started to get cold sores I caught herpes from using like testers like anybody could have used the testers oh babe that's awful fingers in there like rubbing it everywhere on a face we didn't know what we were doing so we get lip liner was probably eyeliner and just put it like i don't know oh my we looked horrific and the teachers would be like get that off your face and we spent they're just jealous because they wish that they look like this it's like they weren't we're a laughing stock so you looked awful and you got herpes yeah but i had a bag of sweets though so i was happy i did yeah oh my gosh so bad i used to get when i was like run down oh no and none of the boys would want to kiss me obviously obviously obviously wow ah let's go i thought it'd be fun to play hide and seek with my seven-year-old i hid in the wardrobe and waited after 15 minutes of silence i realized she completely forgotten about the game i was happily playing with the toys whilst i was stuck in the dark i'd do that the other way around yeah i'm the one that says let's play hide and seek and my kids will go and hide and i'd be like yeah i'm coming to find you and yeah and i'm probably you you know, pouring a cup of tea or having a chat with a friend and then they're there for a while.

39:56So the fact that this lady, maybe she enjoyed the time in the wardrobe. You know, it was quiet. Peace and quiet, 15 minutes. That's nice. But thank God the child was just playing with toys. If that was my kid, they'd be on the M1 or something like trying to play a game between the kids. That's the sort of thing my kids would do. Swinging off the light fit-ins. I came home yesterday. My mum was babysitting the kids and my daughter opened the door, the front door. and immediately I saw that she had, for the first time, cut her own hair. Not just cut her hair. And she's five. She's five. She's got a bald patch right at the beginning of her, top of her head.

40:28It's like she's got my husband razor and just going... I was going to say, what weapon did she use? And then got her lovely long ponytail and chopped the end of it. So when you put the hair down, it's all wonky. And the funniest thing, I was like, oh my God. I was like, what happened? And my mum was like, oh, when did you do that? I didn't know that you did that. And then my daughter was like, Grandma, you're in the garden drinking wine. I was like, wow, mom, thanks. Oh my God. So when you got home and you looked at her, was she happy with the way she styled it? Yeah, she loved it. So there's like a ball patch just at the fringe.

41:02And it's a bit toughy. It's just going to get worse, isn't it? Yeah, it's going to like grow out like that. Why do kids do that? So many kids cut their own hair. So we went out for bottomless brunch, me and my husband. We never go out during the day. My mom and dad were like looking after the kids. where we had the two boys at the time. And then we came home, we'd seen off a bottle and a bit of wine and we had a great time. And my husband said, I'll bath the boys tonight. And I was like, okay then, I'll sit downstairs, you know, have another glass of wine with my parents. And next thing, my husband came downstairs holding the kitchen scissors, like the meat cutting massive scissors.