Laura Anderson’s Love Island Reality - “I felt very physically undesirable”

0:00Coming up, the brilliant Laura Anderson. I want to talk to you about Love Island. I felt very old. I felt very physically undesirable. Talk us through your love life. I feel like men just bring a lot of unhealed trauma and issues into relationships. Your pregnancy must have been difficult. Because you separated from Bonnie's dad. Yeah, very early on. I really tried to make that work. I had a lot of guilt. I didn't think, oh my God, I'm not going to be enough. just me but I think mentally looking back it was a very dark time for me

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2:05Good morning, darling. Good morning. Here we are again. Here we are. Here we are. Weekly therapy commences. This is why. You know when we're like, have you got a fail this week, Louise? And we're both like, no, we have a lot of fails. We're trying to decide. Yes, we do have fails. To pinpoint it just to one. I know. Would you like to begin? Okay. Because I feel like a shit mum. Oh no. Yesterday I dropped Bradley off at school. Yeah. And I was in such a rush because I'm a working mother and I was trying to do a million things at once. My husband's been away on a stag do, so he was just not in a place of being able to assist me yesterday.

2:44Do you know what I mean? um so I I chucked a load of shoes and like PE kit everything into this bag Bradley had a trial yesterday at school a running trial to try and make or try and get this qualifying time to go through to the like the regional competition and it was really important to him because he loves running yeah so what's happened is I didn't put Bradley's trainers in the bag I gave him Logan's shorts oh good uh and they had to wear trousers and he didn't have his t-shirt in the bag because it was Logan's so Bradley ended up running uh in the time trial with a white shirt on his mate shorts who's probably about half a stone wet through and then his school shoes on so he had to do three laps of the field at school in his school shoes his mate shorts and a shirt and he missed the qualification time by a second shut up and they had that cut off so when I picked him up he's like and I was like Bradley what's wrong and he was like I didn't qualify mummy I was like well did you try your best and then there's a big part of me I don't know if other parents can relate to this I know they can um it is like you know when you go oh you tried your best we obviously didn't try hard enough then did you obviously I didn't say that so we didn't pack the right fucking shoes and then he was like well I didn't have my trainers and I was like yeah and I was like what do you mean I was like well what did you run in and then he said I had to run in my school shoes oh bless him they're like brand new school shoes from Clark's you know where they're not worn in yet oh like yeah so his yeah they're not running shoes his toes he wore his crocs yesterday because he had 20 sports after school and I saw the outside of his little toes was like all red and like had rubbed on.

4:29I know. I felt so bad. And I was like, do I email the school and say, could baby Jesus have the time trial again? And I was like, no, don't do that. And they didn't. No, that would make me be that mum. And it's like, it didn't qualify. This is a life lesson, Bradley, to check your own bag. Normally I'd say to Andy, like, Andy, if you haven't got the right stuff, I'm not your mother. And I looked at Bradley yesterday and I was about to be like, listen, I'm not your mother. I don't have to do everything. Oh, here I am. I'm definitely, oh God, I know that. I'm sorry that, yes, that is a fail. It is a fail because it really affected him yesterday.

5:07Yeah, I think when fails affect the kids, they're like the biggest ones. And my fail really affected my child. Why? To a point where I've never seen my kid like this before. We went on holiday for the weekend and Jesse's brilliant at finding really cool restaurants to go to. We went to Bournemouth and so he found this restaurant and to get there you had to get on this ferry. But it's like five minutes and you literally drive on, drive off. It's very, very straightforward, very easy. And we all got on the ferry and you can see where you're going. It could have been really fun. And we decided to get out of the car and stand on the boat to, you know, watch the ferry roll in.

5:53And Inca and I got cold. So I said to Jesse, oh, give me the keys. We're going to go in the car. He was like, all right, cool. So we got in the car. And within three minutes, everyone needs to get back in the car and leave the boat. I lost the car keys. Completely, absolutely no idea what I've done with them. I know they're in the car. I can't find them anywhere. And everyone's leaving the ferry and beeping us. and I'm panicking going, I'm swearing. I'm like, shit, shit. Where are the keys? And then everyone, all the kids like, mommy, why are you swearing? I'm like, I'm really sorry. But the panic of like, we need to get off this ferry and we couldn't leave.

6:39We were stuck. So then the ferry went back and we're still on it. And then it went back again and we're still on this pissing ferry. It happened five times. Oh no. are you kidding do they charge you for every ride even the people working on the boat were like how have you not found your fucking keys jesse was like louise he was like i don't understand how you could have done this i was like nor do i he was like think i was like and my brain fog of like perimenopause i was like i don't even know i was like are you sure you gave me the keys was like louise don't even go there i was like i gave you the keys but in the meantime because i'm panicking and because jesse's panicking because we're like are we stuck on this ferry now forever just going back we can't get off we can't get on we can't get off how long was the trip on the ferry it's literally it's five minutes so for 25 minutes we were going yeah but it's still but also when the cars come on the other side you're facing each other so you're there just going hello and um so because i was panicking and because Jesse was panicking, the kids haven't ever seen that before with both of us out of control.

7:53They've never seen that. So then they started panicking. And Sonny, who's 10, ended up having, like I could probably say like a mild panic attack, like anxiety attack, which I've never seen before. And that's when I was like, I don't care if this ferry, if we're stuck on this ferry forever. I have to make sure that my kid's okay. So now I was just like, I'm not going to panic anymore. We can always call the AA. It's fine. Where are you? Well, slight issue here because you're going to have to hop on and come back. I don't know what side I'm going to be on. So I, you know, I got in the back of the car and I just cradled Sunny and I was just like, it's fine.

8:39Jessie, find the keys. In the meantime, Jesse's like literally just like cannot believe that I've lost the keys inside the car. And it's the kind of keys where you need to put it in the ignition. It's not like a push button jobby. Anyway, then Basil, who the whole time just been in the back of the car, like rolling his eyes, like just so embarrassed with this whole thing. Just just walks to the front of the car and opens up the like one of the many glove compartment things. And he's like, they're here. The keys are here. and I was like, why didn't I look in there? Like, Jessie and I were like, why didn't we look there?

9:15And they were there. And then that was it. The whole time, you don't remember putting them in there? No, don't remember at all. Not at all. And then Sonny calmed down and it was fine. And then we got off the boat and ended up, we were late for our dinner reservation, obviously. Missed the sunset. And we all kind of like sat there over this lovely like dinner, like no one talking. Jessie said, it was like, I need time to process this. I was like, okay. But now we laugh about it. It's awful when, like, there's one thing having a whisper argument between you and your partner, but when the kids can, like, in a heightened situation like that, where you say things and you're like, for God's sake, like, where did you put, and then you ask each other questions.

9:57As like a married couple, I think how I speak to Andy now compared to how I spoke to him when we first got together, where it used to be like, oh, are you okay, babe? It's like, oh, do you think you've maybe misplaced the keys? would you like me to help you to look for it all of a sudden you've got three kids in the back of the car you're like where did you put the fucking keys yeah and you think we would never have spoken to each other like that totally and i and and i i remember saying to jesse i was like check your pockets and he just looked at me like the stare of death and he was like i clearly don't have these keys because i gave them to you and then i was like babe i'm just i've got such brain fog like I'm he was like stop blaming everything on the perimenopause and I was like oh but it's real which made it even worse and do you do that thing if you have a disagreement my mum used to do this with me when I was younger she'd be sat do you remember like every mum used to look like Deidre Barlow from Coronation Street with huge square glasses and their tracksuits and mum used to be she'd be like Haina Haina and she'd be shouting me for like five minutes I'd be upstairs like like reminiscing or like singing to Hanson you know learning the words off Bunty magazine in the middle of a jive and I'd come downstairs and be like what's what's wrong mum and she used to look at me and go can you move that sweetie peeper off the chair and I'd be like literally one little sweet wrapper tiny sweet wrapper she called me downstairs to move it and I used to look at her and be like that like I would I used to think I I would never do that if I have kids.

11:33Obviously, I do it all the time. Or like they'd say things to me like, well, where did you put it? And I'd be like, honestly, mum, if I knew where I put my pencil case for school in this moment, I'd go and get it. It's like, what time? We're going to be late, Tanya. And it's like, no, I know we're going to be late, mum, but I can't find my pencil case. But I do that to my kids now. And I'll be like, sorry, Bradley, I've just been upstairs. And it looks like Logan or Annabelle jumped on your bed because it looks like you haven't made it. You must have made it. And then they've, because obviously you'd want your pocket money this week, wouldn't you?

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13:44The road to the NBA Finals ends here. With star guards setting the tone. The Cavs eye another upset. while the Knicks carry the dreams of all of New York.

14:03The Eastern Conference Finals continue on ESPN and ABC.

14:11You're such a bitch. But we just like mirror image of our parents, aren't we? Yeah, we do. 100%. I sometimes have to stop myself and go, oh my God, that was my mother that just came out of my mouth. Actually, I'd love to know anyone watching please comment. Let us know what you have done that your mother did that you thought you'd never do. And here we are doing it. And here we are doing it. From air hostess to Love Island finalist to radio star, our next guest has spent years in the spotlight. But as she's quickly learning, none of that prepares you for the beautiful, sleep-deprived chaos of being a mum.

14:46Please welcome the brilliant Laura Anderson. Woo! That was amazing. Way so cool. You were like that, mm-hmm. and then it's like we talk about nurseries and then it's like okay yeah life's changed since that intro but i have to say being cabin crew definitely does prepare you for sleepless nights oh my god i think i was a bit of a pro to be honest and you'll have seen it and you would have and you would have seen yeah the kids yeah oh my god that's the point it's true so and you but you were with emirates so was it like very quiet children that never know are you joking i I worked for three different airlines and I flew from the age of 18.

15:20Wow. So I did sort of in Scotland and then I went to Cyprus actually and was based there and then went over to Dubai. So I've done a few. I've seen it all. Do you know, I used to fly a lot when I was modeling and you see. That sounds so cool. I know. When I was modeling, it's actually not as glamorous as it sounds. Not yet. I saw lots of things happen on planes. like I saw lots of I saw people have like heart attacks yeah and like it's very common actually and give birth people give birth on planes have you been there while someone's given birth um not me specifically but a lot of my friends have is it true that they'll get then free flights forever I don't think so I heard that I was like I really want to give birth on the plane for just you or the baby as well as the whole family because I'm having a child around this so let's do it that's why you can't fly when you're over a certain amount of weeks is that what is that the reason maybe I don't know I don't know interesting and how's how's your little one how's Bonnie she's so amazing I just I feel like I'm gonna sound really cringy when I talk about her no because she's just so intelligent and so funny and we have probably a really close bond because it's just kind of been me and her I mean I don't know any different how old is she she's two and a half two and a half she's three in september is she not going through terrible toddlers tantrums i mean yeah dickhead phase yeah okay she can be a bit of a dick sometimes i'm not gonna lie but she's funny with it yeah and you know obviously it's not always perfect but i just have so much fun with her yeah and i just love being a mum oh like i feel like i was just destined to be a mum and her mum yeah if you know what i mean like i sort of like myself better since I became a mum that's lovely did you feel like it's empowered you in a way like I feel like I'm more you feel a bit invincible yeah that what you can deal with especially after you give birth yeah yeah um and you've done it all by yourself yeah it's wild can you so can you go from like talk us through I don't mean like talk us through your love life but actually talk us through your love life because I mean it was it was difficult your pregnancy was difficult but you know I would say physically my pregnancy was very positive yeah I actually loved it all like because you separated from Bonnie's dad yeah when you were early on there was a lot of back and forth I really tried to make that work but I mean physically like my pregnancy was very positive but I think mentally looking back it was a very dark time for me and And how far into your pregnancy were you when you separated?

18:07Three months. Right, so you just found out that you're pregnant, had you? I found out very early, but yeah, it was three months. So you got your scan and then you broke up? Yeah, I actually just remembered in the car, I had therapy when I was pregnant. Did you really? Yeah. Because of it? Because of just the negativity and the press issues, you know, with him. you know I really didn't want a broken home that's not how you see you know your your first steps of you know your journey into motherhood was not I did not want that at all so yeah a lot was going on and but then I dealt with it um you know I think I don't know Bonnie's dad and I I feel like men just bring a lot of unhealed trauma and issues into relationships I think I think it's the men that need to get the therapy, to be honest.

19:00Exactly, and people say that. The people that get the therapy is usually sort of the victims of the people that need it, really. You know, and I tried to help him as much as I could, but then I think being pregnant then gave me the strength to make a decision of, well, I need to protect myself so I can be a mom and protect her moving forward. So it was a really tough decision. I loved him so much, and it is heartbreaking thinking about it, but it was definitely the right decision and was it like yeah was it a mutual separation or was it no no it wasn't a mutual at all and there was a lot of back and forth I mean even after I had her I went back to him twice I think so it was like almost like a year and doing that when you say that going back getting back with an ex when you're you've just given birth when you feel so very attached to him and I felt like all over the place are we supposed to be together like I can't not give her her father.

19:57It was a lot, I had a lot of guilt. You know, I didn't think, oh my God, I'm not gonna be enough, just me. And I know no one's family's perfect, but I was brought up with my mom and dads, luckily until I was quite, I was thinking I was 19 when they split up. And I just thought, God, every child has got that given right. And I'm not even going into the start of this, giving her that, I just felt so bad. So there was a lot going on emotionally when I was pregnant, which is a shame. And then you had to deal with the press on top of that as well. and it was quite negative, right? It was strange. Looking back now, there was a lot of negativity.

20:29I think he'd... Did he get any negativity or was it just you? No. I think he got it more so after when reality set in and people thought, oh, she's actually really nice. She's a good mum. I think he'd sort of come out and said that we'd split up without me knowing that he was going to do that. Fantastic. And kind of took control of... Oh, what? Took control of the narrative. Well, no heads up that the press are going to have that information. No. the day that I announced that I was pregnant as well so that was I know what on the day you announced you're pregnant he announced that you were separated sorry say that again yeah we were oh god I forgot about that as well yeah we were supposed we agreed to sort of announce it together very early because the press already knew about it and then they basically said we're not allowed to publicly announce this before your three months but we will when you are three months so I knew that it was going to come out and I wasn't ready because three months is quite early so then I said okay well let's take control let's announce it together I made a little video I was like do you want to be in it yeah yeah yeah so then the day that it came to post it and he was supposed to do the collab post he just didn't and then went to the press and said that we'd split up and I was just like oh I'm really sorry but what an odd part oh my god like what did what What did your friends make of it?

21:46Well, yeah, it was, everyone was just like, focus on being healthy for you because I was so stressed. And then you get more stressed thinking about the fact you're stressing out your baby and all this. So it was, yeah, probably emotionally very testing time. Even though physically I felt, I looked good and stuff like, you know, a lot of people don't feel good during their pregnancy. I felt quite lucky after the three month thing, you know, I felt a bit sick. and then after that I was like I think I went to Texas on a job when I was like five months did you that's incredible I felt like a jacket potato with all three of mine did you oh yeah oh I looked horrendous I was just imagining your vagina as a jacket potato there oh all right we've only just my jacket potato open up was he at the birth yes I forced him to come because I didn't want to tell her that he wasn't there and I wanted him to see what he put me through and he It was great, actually.

22:44Definitely someone to have in your corner. He's, you know, he speaks up and it was actually really good. I've got a really nice video if you'd like to see. Always, yeah. I'm so calm, I don't make a noise. Did you have any drugs? Yeah, in the end. I got an epidural at nine centimetres because I gave up. Did you shit yourself? No, I didn't. Actually, I'm really shocked. When I think about mine, I was like a hyena that was high on drugs for about six hours. The whole time. Nothing was attractive. shit myself about 20 times the rim smell of the madras curry that i'd eaten the night before and it was bad why do they tell you to eat curry and then obviously you're gonna shit yourself that's not great yeah that's not great it's not right that's not great no i was constantly sex isn't it so i god i did have sex actually on my due date and then when i went for my sweep the lady said oh she's got hair and i was like um i think gary's dingaling is bigger than your finger so we'll just be not doing that again oh my gosh imagine but you had sex with gary yeah because we were as i say we were very much okay yeah it was a lot of back and forth i was just you know fairy tale mind thinking it was all gonna work out and just hold it on to hope i'm just such a like i never know when to let go i don't think you know you know it is what it is now and we've had me and bonnie have had such a great journey together i bet your bond is like Yeah, it is.

24:07And again, I don't know any different. And a lot of people say, you know, there's a lot of difficulties, you know, parenting skills. Even if you're having a fight with your partner, you've got to then deal with that. All I've really had to deal with is just me and Bonnie. I was so focused on her. And how's co-parenting with her dad? Well, that's not a thing, I guess. Like we don't, there's, we don't really hear from him. Right. Like physically, emotionally, financially, nothing really. so um but recently I did try and like I sent him photos right and stuff so he did reply to me recently and then I said do you want to like FaceTime her um and he said yes so they've FaceTimed recently like three times which is so nice because she has never really had the opportunity to say daddy oh so I've been like saying to her like this is your daddy and I show her pictures and she's like oh okay surely knows daddy pig from Peppa Pig you know yeah yeah um um and then she got really excited on the call and they bounced off each other he is great with kids anyway like he's got four he knows how to like he's got the chat you know and it was amazing how much she was showing off to him and I was like she must obviously I know he's not seen her but there must be that connection there so I'm sort of pushing that and then literally last week he said that he might come up and see her and when was the last time he's physically seen her yeah um like two years ago for like two hours and then before that and she's two so how many times has he seen her in her actual living life oh like well we were together after the birth so he saw her twice like three times right are you not fuming yeah but i'm over that because why would i yeah like put that on myself like it's not my fault yeah no so it's like i just can't be bothered being angry because it just makes me feel shit yeah and i've got to say you're doing an amazing job yeah she's so good any parenting fails fails yeah i mean she did shit herself on the plane once and it went on me but i did bring spare clothes so i was like whatever yeah just get rid of it i always forget bringing the spare clothes i always used to forget that really yeah i always remember everything like oh did you well Yeah, she was 10 weeks and I took her on holiday because it was still the point of going up the back.

26:35Yeah, oh yeah. So you get past that. Poo-names, lovely. Yeah, because it wasn't solid then. I love talking about poo. So yes, I knew it was going to happen and it did on takeoff and we sat there. It's always at takeoff. Always. Or landing when I remember we went. Then you start circling and you're like an hour later. Oh, we can't land. We got another hour. We're going to circulate. And you're like, sorry, I'm covered in shit. I want to go back to your birth because I want to know how it was because you said that you were very calm and quiet oh god it's quite long okay I'll try and say it quick so basically I was overdue I had four sweeps didn't work then I got induced yeah um the non-hormonal with the balloon couldn't keep it in it was agony what's that what's that they've they fill up a they put a balloon inside you with water and blow it up and it pushes your cervix to open.

27:27I've never heard of that. Have you not? No. I hope I'm saying that right. Yeah it's non-hormonal because I was very like I've done my hypnobirthing I'm gonna be fine. No. So got that taken out. This was in the NHS hospital was it? Yeah yeah. They put a balloon inside your flower. A balloon? With water in it. Sounds like some of my kids doing the garden. Christ. There was no mud in it but yeah and you You have to hold it in. And then they sent me home. With a balloon? Inside, yeah. And then I got to the car park and I was like to Gary, I was like, I can't get, Gary's get this out. So I was like, give me the hormonal induction, the gel or whatever it was.

28:03And then that started contractions quite quickly. And then I got to stay in. And then, yeah. Waited till I was four centimeters, went down to the labor wards, wanted to get in the bath and all that. But when you get an induction, you can't go in the bath. yeah because they put that thing on your belly that monitors you yeah so then they took me out this nice starry room and put me in a shit room um and then within 40 minutes I was nine centimeters wow yeah and I was moon like a cow on all fours yeah and then um I think I was trying to do the gas now I couldn't do it trying to do the morphine it wasn't working and then I just said I'm not gonna be able to do this I need the epidural and they were like it's too late yeah and I was like no no no no i i no i need this epidural like i just thought of like the burning yeah crowning feeling like i couldn't self-inflict pain on myself i could go through the contractions but i just thought i'm not gonna be able to push her out i'm gonna stop and she's gonna be like mom let me out you know i just didn't think i'd be able to do it so eventually somehow they gave me the epidural and i remember sitting there thinking right don't paralyze yourself laura because if you move that's what's gonna happen right that's what they say and i the gods were with me I always say this I must have skipped a contraction because I didn't have a contraction when they were putting it in oh right nothing happened I didn't feel anything wow or maybe they've done it so quick I don't know yeah and then they're like right get on your back and I was like no I don't want to do it my back that's not the way that you should do it and yeah she doesn't do that on one bond every minute so you so you had the epidural and then you couldn't feel pushing I couldn't feel that so they would tell me when the contraction was coming at that point actually they scheduled me a half hour nap yeah no yeah that's what they did they but you can have a half or a nap.

29:45I feel like we've really missed out by not having an epidural. I was just about to say that. Oh my God, it's the best thing I've ever had in my life. Really? Oh yes. I really wish that I'd done that. And I don't know. To have that experience would have been amazing. Because if I show you the video, you'll see. So I'm just. Can we see the video? You want to see? Absolutely. Oh God, yeah, we love a birth story. We love a birth story. Okay. This is the first video of a birth we've had on here, isn't it? I feel like you might cry. I always cry when I watch it. Oh, I love it. So come in. Okay.

30:16So calm. Epidural baby. By the way, her head's out already. Oh my gosh, that's amazing. Why am I crying? Because it's an amazing... I know, but I did my makeup for you guys. It's an amazing everything. It's gorgeous. Yeah, I'm glad I got that. That's the moment you became a mother. The moment you met Bonnie. I've shown all my friends and stuff. But have you shown Bonnie? Oh yeah, she watches it all the time. Does she? She asks to watch it. Mummy, I want to watch me being born. with daddy and granny that's what she says because I obviously say to her your daddy was there and she's like and then she gets bored and then toddles off did you get your tea and toast?

30:54oh it was the best oh my god it was incredible and every time I have tea and you know like the white toast with all the butter now I still think about that yeah it's the best why has a lot of people not had it? I did not have mine three times Louise didn't have it's a sore subject let's get some tea and toasting guys come on we actually we actually let's all have an epidural and just sit and have an epidural party we'd all be sat here foaming at the mouth like having a great afternoon with the epidural though i i've never taken any drugs in my life like ever and i'm really like against drugs like i just don't i love a wine that's fine for me so i just did not want anything yeah like but i'm so glad that i had it and it was the best thing ever and it really does allow you to enjoy so if I had another baby I would I would definitely have an epidural and was that did you do a birth plan or anything were you like right I really want to have an epidural or did you just no I don't want anything right because I want I did the hypnobirthing thing and I really wanted to go in the pool but then I thought you know what I've not got a plan because I know it won't go to plan anyway so I just surrendered in the end um the only thing was after it you have to wear a catheter and you can't stand up so having that was difficult oh and then I hemorrhaged I forgot to say that did you?

32:13yeah how long after? there was a lot of blood yes I was in there for a while I had that I had that with my first and my second actually they were like oh you like 12 people came on to me straight away I think she cried my mum and Gary had left I stood up remembered I couldn't stand and then sort of fell and then just went all this blood and I looked through the curtain and the nurse was like and then ran put me down 12 people on me you know always hands up yeah yeah and then they were trying to turn my stomach they said something happened to I don't know did the placenta come out okay yeah my center came out okay and then they're like we're gonna take you to theater and I was like and then they put oxygen on me and I was messaging guy please bring the colostrum from the fridge because I don't know how I'm gonna feed Bonnie if I'm under so it was just like chaos again as if that's the first thing you thought No, it was.

33:06Like literally you're hemorrhaging. And he tried to phone me. I was like, can't answer. I got oxygen on my face. So did you go to theater? No, they didn't. And they just filled me with loads of liquid and stuff. And then I didn't have to go to theater. But that's what they told me. I think they managed to. I don't know what they were doing, their hands inside moving things. And then maybe the bleeding stopped and then it was OK. It's where you like, you know, we're so lucky with our health service in that moment of like midwives looking at you going right there was I counted the people there was 12 wow on like yeah that's amazing like that so I just knew yeah I'm in the best place it's absolutely fine I'm not gonna get stressed but I was like I was like this I was like do you know what that is though because I had that that is um your body went into shock yeah I was yeah it was I was like I'm not cold they were all throwing blankets on me i was like i'm not it's boiling yeah um yes i had very similar thing went into shock but in my head i felt fine yeah yeah i think this is a this is a really interesting chat and anyone watching at home please comment with your birth stories and anything that you've been through that that laura's been through and you know because we love hearing about it and it just makes you feel normal it's like oh that happened someone else yeah yeah because if you said to somebody that didn't have a baby it's like oh I had this amazing experience and then I hemorrhaged it'd be like well what does that mean it's like it does happen to quite a few people and then what happens what like 12 people come in because you imagine like the trauma that women go through when you just don't know this stuff well I didn't know so when I hemorrhaged with my second I had the baby I was like I'm done and then all the nurses came in and I remember I was high on gas and air and I remember saying leave me alone I've just given birth just everyone and just leave me alone and then um the midwife just said we're saving your life and i was like please continue that's fine as you were they were amazing okay then do what you want oh they were absolutely amazing i want to talk to you about love island oh god okay it's back on soon isn't it yes it is are you going to be watching no oh i will yeah yeah what was it like like is it really is it scripted do the producers say right go and ask that person for a chat like how much of it is I wouldn't say it was scripted um I don't know what it's like now I mean I was on it eight years ago yeah which is crazy you were on it this summer that I'd just given birth to my second and I'd paid 10 pounds to watch hospital the tv in the hospital you know one of those like pull down things and I was like what's on this evening literally given birth and then I watched and put love island on i remember you walked in this in this bikini and i was like i'm never gonna look like that oh my god i feel links to your birth literally you've been on a journey with me but yeah i remember watching you um come in to that show like and it all just looked like oh my god it must have been the most amazing experience it was amazing to be honest i mean i wouldn't i wouldn't say it was scripted but towards the end the producers have to make the storylines match up they know what um shots they need to get so if something you know wasn't um resolved say we'd had an argument and then just avoided each other they would ask us to go and have a chat about it okay so it was more just like making sure they had all the content that they needed so that if they were going to show that part on tv or they were going to scrap it completely they had the options yeah um i mean i was older so i was 29 going in there a lot of the people were 29 is so young no I know but I felt got made to feel very old when I was on that show and it still stays with me I'll tell you about that in a minute but um I think the younger ones are easily influenced so the producers can slightly not manipulate but they ask you a lot of questions so do you not fancy him then and they said well no I'm in a relationship with that guy oh but you sure I saw you you know getting on why don't you go and speak to him and see if there's something there and then that gets in your head whereas I was very much I knew who I was I knew what they were trying to do so I just never did anything that I was told that's interesting so you were wise well yeah and I could see it happen with the other ones and I was like oh you're so stupid that sounds really bad but I'm just like and then they moan that they get you know shown in a bad way or they're edited bad when they come out it's like no you did say that though they can't make you say something it is up to you so I just was very like self-aware and I treated people the way I would have treated my friends or whoever and that was it but I have to say it did change me as a person I think the process of you know I lived in Dubai I was cabin crew and having a great time in my life and I was very confident I would say going into Love Island And physically, like, you know, with my appearance, I don't know if it's because I lived in Dubai, but when you're blonde in a different country, everyone just thinks you're just beautiful.

38:06And that was just what it was like. It sounds bizarre. In Dubai. Yeah. And I just, I was in a bit of a bubble. I was in my 20s, you know, I was going out all the time. And I was like, oh my God, this Love Island show want me. I'm so great. And then being on there, I felt very old. I felt very physically undesirable. Oh my gosh. Yeah, because it was just like everyone was, you know, a lot younger. And I think the situations with, you know, different guys and it not working out. So that made me go into myself a little bit. But then after the show, I felt like I got a really positive response from the public or whatever.

38:43And the things that people would come up and say to me were more along the lines of you're so kind or you're such a girl's girl. And that made me realize, OK, this is my strength, like in here. which is so much better than having great tits and teeth and no wrinkles. Absolutely, yeah. So that made me such a better person and made me like me way more, but gave me the confidence that I think is more important than just looking great on the outside. Because everyone can look great if you spend loads of money and get loads of facials. It's true though. You can. It needs to go deeper. Yeah, and that is what that show definitely taught me.

39:24that's why I get annoyed when people say oh it's just all about looks that show and it's not really because you spend a lot of time talking about your feelings a lot of time and living with people you know looks only goes so far so I really like back the show I think it's it's great and did you go on there like wanting to find love like wanting to find a partner I mean I was and that was like genuine not just like you know some people in their early 20s like yeah I want to find my husband but actually I guess when you're sort of in the later 20s I mean even when I was young I probably wanted that as well I've always been a bit of an old soul I think I've always had a boyfriend but um yeah I was probably naive to how big the show was again being in Dubai I didn't see all the pressy side around it of course yeah so I and I didn't have any Instagram followers I think I had about 700 I didn't do that for a living I didn't know what an agent was like I just I think I was the only person on my season that actually applied me and Kendall I think everyone else got scouted oh I didn't know this was a thing either they were all asking me who's your agent I was like I don't have an agent how did they find you then no I just applied I sent a video and the rest of the yeah two weeks before as well oh my gosh really Emirates I had to pay them I told them my grand died she was already dead though so it's fine but yeah and then I had to pay Emirates to leave sold like all my furniture and my flat got someone else to move in with the girls and I was basically homeless so I went on the show and I didn't have anywhere to go when I came off oh my gosh and then I just moved to London any any regrets on Love Island I mean I had sex on it so probably shouldn't have done that so what when you say you had sex on there yeah that's like the under the sheets kind of yeah sexy time yeah I did do that yeah who was that with Wes oh that glad that we're talking about that anyway hi bonnie i need hi dad i need to yeah but how did you when you watched it back what would what did your family and stuff and friends say like oh what about me having sex or in general yeah just having sex on tv my dad didn't mention it um was it one of them it's like oh my dad would never my dad was really proud of me um one of my favorite moments was when my dad my sister came in oh my god it was electrifying oh my gosh such a cute picture of me my dad him sort of hugging me and he was sort of holding my head and I'm and he said are you okay and I said no I'm not it was so good oh so good I think I mean I'd already lived abroad anyway so I was away from my family but just having them on text or FaceTime but you know it is quite emotional and you don't have anyone to talk to from your circle at home so So when he came in, I remember thinking, oh, my God, you look really good.