LIVE: Celebrate Mother's Day with us! | No Parental Guidance

0:00Coming up, welcome to our very, very first live No Parental Guidance episode. I can't believe we're here. Any crazy pregnancy cravings? I really love the smell of exhaust. What did you do? I used my mouth. Don't nail the way, don't nail. It's so nice to hear people laugh. Usually when we talk, no one's there.

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2:09Oh my God. This is so beautiful. This is amazing. Oh my God. Welcome to our very, very first live No Parental Guidance episode. I know. I can't believe we're here. And thank you all for coming. Honestly, thank you so much. And who knew? I know, just a little conversation that we had in passing about tea and toast, and then not realising that some people were unfortunate that didn't have tea and toast. Who didn't have tea and toast? Okay, so there's some people... That's quite a lot. Well, today is your day, ladies. You're getting that tea and toast. I don't think it's going to be as good, because I hear it's like...

2:48Well, we haven't just birthed a velociraptor for four days, have we? So, I mean, you know, we can enjoy the tea and toast and have a bit of fizz as well. And your goodie bags as well. Yes. So enjoy those. But thank you to everyone that has helped organise today. Because it was literally a few weeks ago we made the chat about the tea and toast. And then all this has come together on such a special week for International Women's Day and everything. So a round of applause, please. Yes, thank you, T, for making this happen. Thank you very, very much. and so those of you that did have your tea and toast is it really as good yes isn't it isn't it this lady here is like yes it is like back for more like to a point where i want to have another child just to experience the tea and toast i don't think your husband wants you to do that he just wants to get laid to be honest so we'll see we'll see don't lay all the way is anyone here pregnant right now anyone pregnant apart from any our producer Hey!

3:43And apart from tea and toast, what was your first meal after you gave birth? Like someone's broke in saying they had a Guinness. This lady over here. Spaghetti Bolognese. It was the best recipe for spaghetti bolognese. Well, the best spaghetti bolognese I've ever had. Spaghetti bolognese, apparently. Does anybody else have anything that's a bit different? Sushi. Sushi? Of course. Not on the unique chair. Yeah, well, yeah. I guess because you hadn't had it for like nine months and then you're like, give me that raw fish. that salmon sashimi give it to me delicious if you're up north it'd be like I'd tea and toast fish and chips what did you have what was the first thing you had if you didn't have your tea and toast what did you have I did have champagne but I was at home I don't know I had champagne how much champagne how much champagne let's move on from that anyway this episode goes out this is out on Mother's Day so those of you who are watching this at home on YouTube happy Mother's Day and to all you amazing women.

4:40Happy Mother's Day and happy International Women's Day. You're all amazing. Absolutely amazing. Right, shall we start? Shall we start? Let's start. We're going to start. We're going to start what we was doing, our podcast. So usually before we start our podcast, we'll just chat s***, slide our husbands off, and then we'll be like, oh, I'll be like, you know what, you never guess what Andy forgot to put the bins out the other day, and you'll be like, guess what Jessie did? And it's like, oh, the cameras are rolling. Yeah, I'm like, oh, yeah. Let's talk about our tales. You might recognise this is the original set.

5:08is where it all started it is it's crazy to think we started the podcast in june last year yeah june so yeah thanks to everyone that's listened thank you it's really nice to realize how sometimes how terrible i am as a mother but everybody else is just as bad yeah so when i say my fails and louise is like yeah i've done that as well and it's like oh thank god yeah and actually and the messages that we get coming in from everyone saying i've done this and i've done that and we've got some of your fails that we're going to read out on a bit which are brilliant um it's just nice to say this is a safe space isn't it yeah safe there is no perfect parent yes winging it that's what we do right i didn't ask you actually did you have any pregnancy cravings yeah yeah i'm vegetarian but i just wanted ham but like the really like but the really awful ham can i just say sorry it's so nice to hear people laugh usually when we talk no one's there and so you don't know if it's funny keep going this is great i like this do you know what i mean like a cue sheet yeah it was a bit more confident no i um i craved ham but like the really disgusting like you know the wafer thin honey roast ham yeah did you eat that though oh yes even yeah okay yeah i loved it vegetarian and yeah that's what i wanted what about you well mine was duck i don't know i just went through a phase of like i just wanted to eat duck duck and my husband's like you can't keep going to the park and eating them.

6:34I was like, rather than have to get that stuff. I don't know, it's really strange. Yeah, it is strange. Any crazy pregnancy cravings? It was the smell for me. I really loved the smell of exhausts. Really? I grew up in West London and then I moved to the leafy suburbs of Surrey and I didn't smell like the A40 and I missed it. Oh my God, that's just brilliant. See their tarmac in the M25 every day. Anyone else? Inhaling. Love that. Anyone else before? Yeah, we've got another hand over here. Mine was cheese, actually, with my first daughter. I have two daughters. And so much so that it was literally pounds of cheese.

7:17So when she was born, we couldn't decide my husband and I on her name. So she was known as Cheddar for about six weeks, you know, until that point when you have to register your child's name. That's how people can always tell if you are or you aren't pregnant. Do you know if you go near the Stilton or like the pate at a buffet and they're like, are you pregnant? Gave the game away every time. So you obviously know this podcast, we talk about our parenting fails. I'm just going to start with that. We've got our own. I'm sure we have a parenting fail. Every week. We've got six kids between us. We're just one walking fail, basically.

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9:31This is my sister Bonnie. And my son and my nephew are extremely close. Very, very close. They're seven weeks apart. They absolutely love each other, adore each other. And so when they have sleepovers, they like to sleep in the same bed. Where are you going with this? Yeah, I know that sounded a bit weird.

9:52Sunny gave Sam knits. I'm really sorry. And then you went to the hairdresser. Are you joking? And I know that you went to the hairdresser. Do you know how embarrassing it was? I'm sorry. I know. Did you get the knits as well, Bonnie? Did you get the knits as well? We all had to de-knit ourselves. I know, but you got sent out from the hairdresser. Yeah, I'm sorry, that was me. Sorry. Oh, look, it's a greasy, scabby b**** over there. it was you it was you all along it was me i'm sorry it was me i'm sorry but we are all now de-knitted it's fine i'll talk to you later yeah sorry be the mosh pit later yeah anyways that was my fail that was fun um i also did order some um my bernie hands which are all in your goodie bag but i ordered the wrong ones so i have about 200 uh of these at home how did you make that mistake were you just in a rush i was just clearly in a rage and just ordered the wrong ones i don't know i've got all of those so yeah that's my two fails jesse had been snoring all night yeah yeah pretty much how tell me about your fail so my fail was uh from a little while ago um when i was uh breastfeeding remember breastfed bottle fed your child will still be a let's just normalize nobody cares c-section vaginal delivery nobody cares okay some of the guys in the audience are like that but I uh I well you know you go through that phase don't you with Amazon deliveries and I remember this one morning it was raining and I was breastfeeding Logan and it was wasn't latching on properly Barry from DPD came to the door and I don't think I'd slept since my husband impregnated me like 12 months before that and I got to the door and I knew that I was like breastfeeding Logan so I'd put like the muslin over but you know when you're just in that mist of feeding you just walk around with your t*** out anyway so I went to the door and thought I'd covered I thought I had a bra on one side but I didn't so my areola was just glaring at the floor at that point because it had lost that perky elasticity and then I looked at Barry and he looked at me and was just like, oh, there's your order.

12:04I think I'd ordered like a hot tub or something from Amazon the night before, like a welding machine. And then as I stared at Barry and he stared at me and I realised that my boob was out, I was feeding Logan, I then proceeded to say, thank you, Daddy, love you, as he walked up. And that is probably one of the most embarrassing things that have ever f***ing happened to me in my entire life. That's brilliant. Has anyone else ever said anything to a delivery guy? I love you. I can't be the only person, please. I'm sharing everything with you here. Please make me feel better. Anybody? No, Hannah, I think you're alone in that one.

12:42However, we have got fails from you guys. You had to write in your fail. Thank you very much. And some of them are absolutely brilliant. So we've got, I think we've got about seven that we're going to read out. We will be mentioning your names. Right, the first one is from a lady called Sue. Sue says she used a vacuum cleaning device to help suck snot from her six-month-old baby, and it did not go well. Has anyone used this sucking device? That sounds weird. All right, Louise. Wrong podcast. Has anyone done that? Or do people just suck it with their mouths? No? No, me, I don't do that either. Because there's...

13:24So Jessica says... but there's like the two types of there's one where there's like a tube isn't there where you suck it and then oh yeah sorry if anyone's just walking in now they'll be like what are they talking about my husband be like do that later no it's a device or you can have the like little suction ones can't you the hand suction ones i feel like i learned so much on this podcast what did you what did you do i used my mouth i thought that was normal No? No. Shall I just go? Like, you get all like the... Yes, I know. Sorry. Excuse me. That's how much you love your children, isn't it? Like, I'll get a...

14:05You know, let's just move on. Would you do like one nostril at a time or just... Just put the whole thing in your mouth. All right, I've cancelled myself. Let's carry on. Oh, Louise. I'm just basically Sue. Yeah. Let's normalise it. Right, Jess Forbes. Where's Jess? You were going to put your hand up there and you realise you're not called Jess. I just wanted to make you feel better that if you were doing that and if you were breastfeeding, you were making antibodies through your breast milk to your baby. Thank you very much. So you were actually protecting them. I like you. Thank you. Thank you.

14:41You can feel better now. I do. Thank you. I'm not going to do it again, but I do feel better. I feel like this one's quite relatable to me. Going through my daughter's first birthday pictures with my mum and dad and connected to the big TV when a picture from the morning opening presents came on with my boob full out, having just fed her. My poor dad didn't know where to look. Oh, dear. Oh, how embarrassing. Oh, dear. It's like when you watch a sex film with your parents, isn't it? Yeah. It's really awkward. Like, really awkward. And now I'm watching it with my kids. No, that sounds weird. I don't watch sex films with my kids.

15:14But you know when people kiss on screen and then, like, my 13-year-old is like, and I'm like, well. yeah how do you navigate that because obviously teenage boys are like yeah that worries me though about having boys that conversation i feel like that's i'm going to have that conversation with my husband to chat to the boys about it although my 13 year old did say to me and i said i don't i did say this on a podcast but i'm not sure if it was edited out so i will say it again maybe it'll be edited out again and is there going what's she going to say You know, my 13-year-old did say to me the other day, he was like, what size condom does Dad wear?

15:55And then I said, well, he doesn't wear condoms. And then he said, is he infertile? Oh, my God. I was like, you're here. Clearly he's not. Yeah. I don't know if anyone's ever seen. Wow. Yeah. So I don't know if I should share this. Yes. We just share everything. We forget we're doing a podcast. but my my husband's got colitis so he has to if you've seen like a finger condom before so he has to put a finger condom on and then put like a suppository up his bum and he won't mind me saying that because you know it's raising awareness for his condition but when I was really unhinged after having my first child and I was like the house is the tip so my friend was like well why don't you get a cleaner so I got a lady called Edna that my gran recommended that was like visually impaired so essentially I skipped help the aged and I was paying Edna to like clean my house for me and while I watched her and then basically I was like oh my god I'm gonna have to tell Edna that the finger condoms in the bathroom aren't my husband's because she's gonna think he's got a the size of a five-year-old boy so like it was really awkward so I had to phone her and I was just like oh my god like took her 20 minutes to get to the phone because she couldn't here either it was it was really awkward um the finger condom yeah so yeah i hope jesse doesn't have they're not his natural condoms but yeah you can get you can get finger ones i didn't actually know that did you know yeah right uh next fail nina she has two fails both related to trauma and drama of the school run and trying to get to work on time both involved my son who was always running late.

17:36The first one was a cold day with iced up car windows. No time to scrape the windows, so I throw water at all the windows, including the one my son had wound down.

17:49Even one soggy son. The same son didn't get into the car, and after a lot of gentle parenting requests, I assumed he was in and started to move off. He was standing by the car, and I had driven over his foot. Oh, my God. The poor lady. Oh, Nina. I love how you're like the poor lady if a kid's like, I know, it's poor kid. Oh, bless Nina. Drop ties in. Okay, are we ready for the next one? Carla Orca. Is Carla... Yeah! Carla! Here we go. Okay. I have two daughters at the beach. One day, my eldest met a friend and I exchanged numbers with the mum. my youngest was so excited that she went over to the father of the kid she was playing with and said do you want my mom's number so awkward I had no idea what she said the guy came over and was being really friendly and then asked where we were going on a date and was happy to take my number both girls are freaked out and started crying and launched into asking why I was divorcing daddy oh how did you deal with that oh my gosh probably not very well so i was oh gosh i was literally gathering up everything we had at the beach and obviously i had two small kids so most of my house was at the beach with us so i was trying to shove it all in the bags and trying to explain to this guy i'm really sorry i'm married i don't know what she said to you Was he hot though?

19:26Just asking for like reference to the story. Do you know what? No, he was not. No, he wasn't. But the girls, there was snot, there were sobs, there was, why are you divorcing daddy? It was just probably the most embarrassing experience of my entire life. But what made it worse is when we got into the car, the girls were like, mummy, can we ring daddy? And I was like, yeah, of course, we'll ring daddy. and they divulged exactly what had happened. And he said, well, I speak to other women all the time. And I'm like, right. And the girls, and I said, well, is it okay for Daddy to speak to anybody else?

20:08And they were like, yeah, it's absolutely fine, but you can't. Classic, classic. Horrendous. Thank you for sharing that. That's amazing, thank you. That's so cute. My son, my eldest, who's nine, he's memorised my number, because I think if ever you get lost, you've got my number. So I always dress my kids in high-vis and then make them learn my mobile number. But then when we go on holiday, he'll be like, oh, yeah, let's swap numbers. And then he'll be like, oh, this is my mum's number and does it to everybody. And it's really awkward. It's always that he makes friends with those parents. Do you get some dodgy phone calls?

20:42Yeah. OK, our next fail is Ellie. Forgetting to strap my three-year-old daughter into her puss chair, hitting a curb outside my eldest's school and launching her several feet across the pavement, right in front of a huge group of parents and teachers. Everyone went silent and stared. All you could hear were the screams of my child until my eldest chipped in with, Not again. You said you'd stop dropping us from now on. For the record, I have never dropped either of my children before and haven't since. It took everything out of my soul to not change schools out of complete embarrassment. you know when you put um does that you know when you put like loads of bags on the pram and then you forget and then the pram goes yeah i mean we've all done that surely that's the worst thing and it's always when your kids are being like little shits isn't it and you'll be like just put all the bags i'm leaving the school gates and annabelle won't get in a push chair yeah so i'm carrying that and then the boys just put all their bags on the handles and all of a sudden you turn around and you you've just got no control and then the push just on the floor and you're like that's my life right there that's me there it is there it is oh no but the thing is it is so embarrassing though especially when something happens in front of other people and you want people to be like oh god don't worry i've done it it's fine laugh about it but some people don't and then it just makes you go like i just want to die yeah this is awful you're like that type of person though as well if you know if you go to a supermarket and you see a mum that's like struggling you'll be like are you okay i'll be the first person to be like let me help you and on an airplane yeah you know about my experiences didn't you fart on someone i did i farted on someone why was that not another mother someone that was really mean to me on the plane like the whole like eye roll like looking behind like tutting because my baby was crying and so i went up to a chair turned around and farted on her give her a round of applause

22:40love that what did you did you have like a protein shake for breakfast and lots of figs lots of things you're fighting smelly bitch i love it right our next one katharina i love we've got that that is the baby shuggle right there that's the that's the mum life right there isn't it is your little one sleeping or dropping off no of course it isn't

23:08That's so cute. Are your ovaries twitching when you see a baby? Always. Yeah, same. Okay, right. After discussing some serious things about process and women's monthly cycle, which we are proud of and not afraid to talk about, which my wide-eyed seven-year-old daughter listens so intently, we went swimming and in the changing room... Oh, God. Mama, good thing no one can see our privates. sometimes your privates bleed why is some of it gray like gray in your hair oh my god oh she's having a great time dying size thanks guys they always do it when you're in like a public toilet or like a swimming changing room yeah which are the worst places you can ever go horrendous so hot yeah hair everywhere yeah phlegm we everywhere just disgusting why do we do it to ourselves i don't know but we do because i have to learn how to swim we have to be good parents they must swim oh my god um we are going to now go to emma phillips emma phillips yes emma phillips is in the house hello emma so my story also affects someone in the room because i've got my seven month old here with me oh god fallen over smack This is the best place for it to happen.

24:32Oh, look. This is Dexter. Hi, Dexter. Just turned eight months, and he's got a two-year-old sister. So, yeah, we just toilet trained her, and she was great with the weeds and would hold in poos for days, like days, like five, six days. And then one day, she came over. She goes, Mummy, Dexter's pooed. I was like, oh, that's okay. and I was like where is he and she pointed behind the sofa and when I say he was covered in feces thank god his dad was home though I was like oh James you get the baby oh gosh that's covered in mouth eyes anyway he didn't get pink eyes so I thought that was an absolute win and it's like proper poo at that point isn't it it's not like a little milk poo And five days of being held in, honestly.

25:26It was bigger than, like, your first post-baby. Oh, wow. Yeah. And the thing is, I feel like every mother here probably has a story that involves poo. Is there anyone else who is here who wants to share a fail? If anyone's been inspired by these stories. So here's my second, so you'd think I would have learnt by now, but we went on a walk, me and my husband, when the baby was, like, a month old, and we just thought it's a walk we don't need his baby bag everything will be fine ended up stopping at M &S cafe for a coffee when he decided to not only crap himself but we all over his face his hair the whole situation and because we didn't have any spare clothes barely had a spare nappy I took him out butt naked running around M &S buying more clothes for him while my husband ended up going to shops next door to buy more nappies oh gosh so he was butt naked crying i was crying my husband was crying it was it was a whole ordeal it's like in that moment as well where you just think oh that's parenthood isn't it when you have wanted to die yeah thank you so much for sharing that round of applause thank you i love hannah i love louise the relatable stories when you're listening to it you think that was me that was me.

26:49Moments like this are just so important, just give yourself some headspace. They're just so honest about their relationships because nothing is more tested than your relationship with your husband, one of your children's. Everyone's just different and you just got a parent, tell you one a parent. We were made to bring up children as a village, not as an individual, so just look for your village. Go with the flow and take every day as it comes. Drink a bottle of wine every night. No, that's terrible advice.

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