Lou Beckett Explains Why Husband Rob Dropped His Trousers During Labour | No Parental Guidance

14:25Lou Beckett:that you can do it quickly so your shoe won't come like that but with our husbands yeah yes yeah so I mean he he had I mean what's quite nice is that he does acknowledge that he doesn't

14:36unknown host:he'd like to be the default parent he doesn't think he could do it which was nice and I think writing the book and then having him read it normally when a lot of these things come up i'm already tired and a bit full of rage or the kind of resentment has started to fester a little bit yeah he's been able to leave the house four days on the trial and like to go to work but i'm like you're getting to leave yeah you get to leave the house and go and talk to grown-ups and have a shower and yeah and have it hot you get to be the person that you've always been yeah as well as having kids whereas i feel like the kind of pigeon lady from home alone who's not left the house in four weeks and I haven't had a shower and my clothes don't fit me and and has that always

15:15Lou Beckett:been the case I'm just thinking you know for his like comedy career really taking off was that when

15:19unknown host:the girls were very young or yeah so we it was a bit of a double thing with with kind of becoming the default parent of I wasn't I've got ulcerative colitis so towards the end of when I was teaching I was in a really probably the worst flare I've ever been can you just explain to our listeners what that is yeah ulcerative colitis is it's an autoimmune kind of chronic disease which is inflammation of the colon which is delightful um kind of basically diarrhea all the time bleeding cramps whole body inflammation in the kind of first instance and then secondary things like osteoporosis and you can have little flares or big flares and i've been in remission for ages now so I'm feeling much much better but at that point it was yeah it was not I was not at my best when you when you were when you were teaching when I was teaching I think it's amazing that you were was it a secondary school boys yeah wow you can't sit on a commode and be like right guys today's lesson is no there's only so many times you can kind of leave a room kind of randomly picking what you think is the most sensible child to leave in charge or to snitch when you come back yeah and each time you come back it's more and more chaotic before they kind of go like miss where are you going I'm like I'm about to poo myself and I'm bleeding and I can't it just it yeah it wasn't it wasn't really working so when I left teaching Rob's career was kind of really taking off and then I left teaching and then we got pregnant quite quickly because we started trying early because between the colitis I've got um PCOS and endometriosis as well so between all of it they were like try you've got to try for a while before you get help if it doesn't work worked immediately i bet he was livid about that wasn't he absolutely livid yeah we were told to try every other day for a year yeah because they didn't know when i was ovulating i wasn't having periods just try every other day for a year and then if you don't get pregnant we can offer you some help on the nhs and i reckon it was within a week oh my god i love it you're like that's it we're done now i was like sorry that's us tapped out um so it all kind of happened at once yeah

17:26Lou Beckett:How did you feel about that? Because obviously you've gone from being like a, having your career, then to becoming a mum, but then your husband being at work more and you being at home more on your own.

17:36unknown host:I think it was a real loss of identity that I don't think I properly acknowledged at the time. Or I felt very much, I was like, I don't feel like I've got anything to offer other than what the baby's done or where we've been that day. I wasn't doing anything else. Yeah, yeah. I think lots of people listening and watching can relate to that. There is a part of every mother that does feel a bit like, oh, well, I'm really, really pleased I'm a mother. But, you know, wow, what happened to me? Yeah. Where have I gone? And I think you physically go through so much as well. It's outrageously unfair, the biology of it all.

18:14unknown host:It's... And also the fact that our partners do go back to work. Like my husband went back to work after two weeks. You know, I'm still in, you know, maternity knickers and bleeding and lactating and sleepless nights. And then my husband's like, see you later. I'm off to work. Bye. Okay. Parenting fails by you or Rob. So many. Let's hear him. I mean, it's one we kind of reference in the book slightly where one of the biggest arguments we had when our eldest was a newborn was I'd signed us up for every baby class under the sun. I've always liked having a plan. And obviously, if I didn't take her to baby yoga and baby massage, I would be failing as a parent.

18:54unknown host:Of course. In social services. You'd be a shit moment. Terrible. Because you must. Because that three-week hold, it's not had a care in their life, needs a massage. They need to learn sign language.

19:03Lou Beckett:Yes. They need to be. Immediately.

19:06unknown host:Immediately. Immediately. They've got no means to get in the water. They can't crawl, but they need to swim. And they hate it. They might accidentally fall in a body of water and need to swim. No. So, she was absolutely rock solid asleep. and I was like, but we've got baby massage at nine. And I was like, I'm not waking a sleeping baby to take her like across Lewisham to rub her, like just leave her sleeping, leave her sleeping. And I was like, so sleep addled. And I was trying to breastfeed at that point, it wasn't working. So like I'd been up all night on the pump on the thingy. She hadn't slept, she'd just gone to sleep basically.

19:41unknown host:And I was like, no, no, off we go. And we ended up having a big argument and I insisted on getting her up, putting her in the pram, walking over to like the library where the baby massage was and she screamed blue murder through all of it and I could just see Rob and I I maintained that we had a nice time and I was like no no she's really enjoying this we're all learning aren't we Robert I could see him out the corner of my eye going told you told you now we're all here I kind of agree with Rob on this one yeah no I know I think there was a lot of I don't think I was super rational maybe in that well it's that That sleep deprivation bit, isn't it?

20:16unknown host:And also the whole pressure that we put on ourselves. Or, you know, I have to be the perfect parent. You know, I've booked this in. She will go.

20:23Lou Beckett:And then all the people at the group, if I don't turn up, they'll be like, oh, my God, she's unable to cope. Yeah. And if you had a baby now, what would you do in that scenario? Oh, no classes. Sit at home.

20:33unknown host:Watch Real Housewives. Exactly. That baby doesn't care. They're fine. Let them sleep. Let them down. Sleep when the baby sleeps. Yeah. Although we don't, do we? Yeah. No, because when do you do the rest of everything else? When do you eat, shower, cook, do life? All of it, yeah. Have some time to yourself. And people say sleep when the baby sleeps. I don't know. It doesn't make any sense. No. And also, I do want to still have a life. I want to be able to reply to messages or watch my program. I don't just want to. Eczema is unpredictable. But you can flare less with Epiglis, a once-monthly treatment for moderate to severe eczema.

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22:31unknown host:Hold a baby or sleep. There's other things I want to do. And was that a slow walk home after that massage group? It was a pretty silent walk home. you know he just opened his mouth I was like don't yeah we had a few of them I was like I just need to let you I need you to let me win I viscerally feel the need for you to say the words you don't even have to believe them you're the most tired and this is hardest for you I mean I was the most tired and it was of course you were yeah I was like I need you to say the words yes and I was like I'm not moving until you say them good and did he you're like a two-year-old I was having a tantrum but yeah no he said it good but and then afterwards it's like I'm sorry for what I said

23:09Lou Beckett:earlier and they're like you know try and relay what you said and you're like I can't remember what I said because I was so tired but I know I was a bit of a d**k sorry about that sorry did you

23:17unknown host:we like talking about birth stories as well my first question is did you get tea and toast after you gave birth I did yeah was it the best meal you've ever eaten yes yeah I think because you're not giving me much enthusiasm no I'm trying to think I was I don't really remember much my first birth I was so out of it yeah but yeah the the second my second I'd had an epidural with yeah which I don't I don't know if you had epidurals or I wanted one they would never give I wanted one with my first um and I think I went in so hard with my second because of that first experience so I was like I'm not going home I'm not leaving I'm not going to the birth center I want their drugs i want to go upstairs i was horrid and she was so nice the midwife but i was so demanding because i didn't feel listened to the first time yeah i went in way too hard second time because actually everyone was listening everyone was very nice god i'll tell you what she's a right this one yeah i feel like she was off the back of your first experience just give her what she wants and get her out of the drugs give them to her but i didn't realize when you have an epidural they won't let you eat oh i didn't know that either you need like a c-section oh okay or in case you need but they wouldn't let me eat so rob went to the m &s garage by the hospital and came back with i think one of everything they did in a slight i must help i must yeah yeah but i can i want to do something and he came back with a ferrero roche tower because it was just before christmas and i was like i'm loving that for why since setting it up you know what in between

24:48Lou Beckett:contractions i tell you what i really fancy could you just get that ferrero roche tower

24:52unknown host:Thank you, Ambassador. But because I couldn't eat, we made him go and, me and the midwife, he went to get his sandwich out and I was like, absolutely not. I'm not watching you eat when I'm hungry. Go and sit in the toilet. And he kind of looked at her and was like, I don't want to eat in the toilet. And she was like, no, in you go. No one's on your side in this room. Off you, Rob. This isn't about you. If you want to eat a sandwich, sit on the toilet. So yeah, that tea and pasta was glory. I just imagine it with the M &S picky bits on the toilet. Yeah, just spreading it on the floor of them. Got some Percy pigs.

25:22unknown host:are they person pigs yeah yeah as soon as that pain alleviated I was starving yeah I was like yeah go and get everything she was like oh sorry darling no not so I'm so close and how long did

25:32Lou Beckett:you have to wait then from having the epidural to actually giving birth I think it did so my first

25:38unknown host:labor went really quickly I went from two centimeters to 10 in like just under two hours it was I think was out of spite because they told me I was you know like the first time I I was kept but getting told I didn't have a frame of reference for the pain I was in or that later you know you've not done this before and it's going to move very slowly and we're not there yet and I'm like we are there because I'm in pain and you have drugs so let's yeah like at what point I'm crowning there's a baby here let's go um but I've been throwing up all day my body's response to any kind of anything is to go into a full cramp and empty itself by any means necessary so like I was quite dehydrated so that's the only reason why they admitted me um up to the labor ward because they wanted to put me on a drip and she was like once you're hydrated we'll probably send you home or and then I think out of pure spite my body responded by going two to ten in under two hours they hadn't come back to check me my waters went there was meconium in the water oh my gosh Rob panicked and took off his trousers because I was like my trousers are wet so he took his off just stood there in his pants Rob took his trousers off took his trousers off my mum pressed the button to get the midwife back to help rob or to help you i think she was because i i she was a nurse at like great ormond street so i put a lot on my mom to be like but you know what you're doing you'll sort it out my mom's like haven't done this in many many years you know and his trousers are down and i don't know what's going on sorry why did he take his trousers off because i'd said my trousers were wet i was a bit out of it i think where i was so dehydrated and bit the contractions and I just wasn't really, I don't think, communicating properly.

27:14unknown host:I just kept saying I was in a lot of pain. And then I started crying because my trousers were wet because the waters had obviously gone all over them. So then Rob took his off to give them to me. And my mum was like, no, no, she's not putting trousers on now. Something's coming out of there. We don't need a bag. Oh, I love that he took his trousers off to give to you. And then he was in just his pants when the midwife came in and then she had to call the doctor because there was meconium and it just... And then did he put his trousers back on? He put his trousers back on. and I think my mum sent him to get a can of coke was just like, just you go somewhere else for a couple of minutes.

27:45unknown host:Just take five, Rob. I think you need five minutes. I love this story. Was it a good pair of pants? Like Y-Fronts or at least Boxers? I think it would have been Boxers. He's not really a Y-Front. Imagine if it was like a s*** pair of pants. Really terrible. Can you imagine? I can just imagine like Rob in Y-Fronts watching you give back. With his socks pulled up to his knees. It's just because they were round his ankles at one point. I was just like, even in the haze of what was going on, I was like you're like this is what got us into this mess it was so no well intentioned but no one needed him to be half naked at that point um so yes the second time around I was very like it goes really quickly it goes really quickly I want the epidural now because I go so and I think like epidurals can slow things down they say but I think in my case it was probably a good a good thing she says without any medical expertise whatsoever but in my head I think it slowed it down so it was quite it was quite nice and measured it was you were getting your calling the caterpillars for aero rocher chocolate i've never done like drugs but an epidural i can see why people get into them because when that hit and just utter relief of your whole body just i felt like i was on some sort of retreat i had a nap so when i read a magazine oh are you kidding what during and you're still dilating and yes i had one of those things on your belly and she was like you're having a contraction right now.

29:07And I was like, lovely.

29:09unknown host:Give me 10 more. I could do this all day.

29:11Lou Beckett:What could you feel? Like, does it numb your whole body or your legs?

29:15unknown host:Yeah, so I had a little button where I could keep pressing it. So it won't top you up more than you're allowed. So like when you start, so I could still move my legs because I wasn't pressing it. I think every half an hour you can top it up. So you can literally doce yourself up? Yeah, so you can. Wow. And so I was like, oh, I can feel a bit. She was like, oh, just press your button if you need a little bit more because I was I liked being able to still move my legs it felt very like you know when you've sat on them for too long you get into needles yes you can move them but you can't feel them properly yeah yeah it felt like that for me I think obviously some people you can not feel it at all so I was still able to move what about pushing can you feel can you feel pushing I you you know that you're pushing but I just couldn't really feel it but I'd let it wear off a little bit when the contractions were coming really close and she was like you're basically at 10 centimeters i'd stop pressing the button so i was like i want to be able to feel it yeah a little bit and could you feel it in your flower you know when you're pushing and it was hurt could you feel that no pain no pain whatsoever just like say pressure god it was i need to have another baby with the epidural and get my tea and toast why did we not

30:24Lou Beckett:do that louise i don't know i was one of those where i was like i want to feel everything and then the first one was horrendous then my second label was like really amazing it hurt a bit but it was lovely a bit and then the third one I mean I didn't have an orgasm during labor or anything it wasn't that great it still f***ing hurt but um the third one I was like I'm not gonna have pain relief because I didn't with the the first two I'll be fine and then I was like I was like Wolverine towards the end and I was like I need some drugs yeah like it was you remember that you know when you go into labor and just feel that like that was that pain again I'd forgotten about a raise in my head but at that point I was I want an epidural now but it was too late yeah um but I I didn't know that it was.

31:04unknown host:We're not there yet. We're not there yet. And then I was like, we are there now, but now it's too late. And they don't give it to you, do they? If you've gone past a certain point with your dilation, they don't give it to you. Yeah. I don't know what that is. I don't know. They never gave it to me because I was always too far gone. Well, I asked for it, but Annabelle's head was out.

31:22Lou Beckett:No, no. Give me one of them evidence you're old, you bitch. And then it's like, oh, I'm so sorry. And then it's like, oh, the baby's here. Oh, thank you so much.

31:28unknown host:I just thought I'd be really good at birth. I think I went in a little bit. You did it. You were good at your life. But I was, I wanted to be in like the pool. I wanted to be in the delivery, like the birth center. Yeah, but you just shit yourself in the water anyway. So no one wants to see that. And then Rob will have to fish it out with his pants. And it's never a good thing. Yeah, just what we do is give him peas.

31:46Lou Beckett:I mean, that would have been a good point to be in his pants. Not in a very brightly lit labour war. Oh my God, Rob would turn up in speedos, wouldn't he?

31:54unknown host:With his flippers on. I am ready. so you met rob 20 years ago is that right uh i'm 39 and i'm terrible maths yeah 18 or so years ago yeah did you meet him uh we met a office job in kentish town we were both doing admin

32:11Lou Beckett:an events company and did you meet him and think oh my god he's so funny straight away did you just know he was like because you always imagine yeah comedians aren't just comedians on stage they have to be funny all the time that's how I envisage I don't know if I thought it was funny

32:27unknown host:I think I think it was quite attention-seeky but like in a in a funny way was he peacocking around you I think he was very very deeply bored of the admin that he was doing and would take any opportunity to stroll around the office have a chat make cups of tea just was it like an no real real slow we were friends I bet you'd love to hear that yeah was it an instant attraction it was a slow burner that one as well no i i told him i liked him first and he was like oh maybe not right now and then was he doing comedy then he started it while we while we worked there yeah so i've been to some i went been to some of his very first gigs when he was doing like open mic stuff and then with um rob's podcast as well parenting hell which is we're big fans of parenting hell brilliant they're absolutely brilliant ours is better no it's not but um What do you think when you listen to that?

33:19unknown host:What do you think of that? Are you there going, oh, shut up. What do you know? Or you're like, yeah, it's good to hear his side of the story. I mean, I like, I do listen. I listen as like a fact check service. I think, but like Trump, they need like live fact checking. And so, but like, I don't fact check with Rob. I send it to Josh because Josh is on my side. Right. Almost always. So, and I think actually what it's done is it's, it's actually alleviated some of the bickering. because it happens so slowly. Rob will go and say something on the podcast. I'll listen to it a week later. I'll take issue with it.

33:55unknown host:I voice note Josh. Josh brings it up the week after. It's a very slow argument. That by the time we actually, I don't really care about how he brushes the girl's hair. But if he's thrown me under the bus on the podcast because he says I hurt them when I brush their hair. But he doesn't brush their hair properly. He doesn't go all the way through. You know when I just brush the top layer. I like it when daddy does it. I'm like daddy's not doing it you've got a mat under there that's got like a mouse in it like come on like got to brush it so yeah I don't I quite enjoy listening to it I enjoy getting his perspective on stuff but I do like just occasionally redirecting wild lie

34:34Lou Beckett:yeah because I think Andy would be a bit pissed off to be honest if you listen to our podcast

34:38unknown host:and all the shit that I say about him yeah

34:39Lou Beckett:he'll be like no I didn't but you did do you know what's good that you're not listening until we can say what the hell we want

34:43unknown host:yeah but you've got some stats in the book yes about free time and and all sorts can you tell us about that because it's quite fascinating when I was writing it I thought first of all before I launch into an entire book I should at least get something to back myself up so I was like what if I'm just really bad at this and actually nobody else is feeling the same way or so I did a bit of research because also um if you're having the argument with your partner about who's more tired or who's got more free time standard it's nice for it not to be subjective have some objective facts that aren't from you that they're from like harvard harvard ucl no one's arguing with the harvard's uh center for sleep because they're very very clever what do they say that it is it is factual that women are losing more sleep than men they they put the stat i think it was at 13 minutes per night which I don't think's right that must be wildly averaged out 13 minutes but cumulatively 13 hours 13 days and then how that will impact you cognitively your kind of cognitive function is where you're chronically sleep deprived and you've got to be in charge of a little baby yeah and I always had that thing drive vehicles drive vehicles you've got to keep everyone alive and fed and you know not drive into a wall and and all of those things because you're not going to work sometimes it can feel like you can be more tired because I've got to go no you've got to go and sit at a desk I've got to keep her alive and it's the driving thing it's the harder

36:18Lou Beckett:it's the harder job do you know when you get in a car and you put your sat nav on and it just takes you where you need to go and then you think I can't remember the journey at all I remember there was one day I drove around and got two takeaway coffees I got one drank it drove around again and I was like oh my god I've just I've had one and then I drove home and I accidentally drove into the wall at the front of my house and we had a brand new car oh my god and I I was like what the f**k because I barely slept and then my husband watched it on the ring doorbell and I said babe I don't the my hay fever was so bad I was sneezing and I drove into the wall and Andy watched it back and he was like, you weren't sneezing, but you weren't looking where you were going either.

37:04Lou Beckett:You were asleep. Yeah, no, literally it was a couple of grand's worth of damage. Oh my God. I was so tired. You can't function properly. But the baby was okay in the back. That's the main thing. We survived the day.

37:15unknown host:I'm just going to read this from your book talking about Harvard. So it says here, and this is on page 64, whoever is reading it, read along. The clever clogs at the division of sleep medicine at Harvard Medical School have tested our brain function and abilities after periods of sleep deprivation. Any prolonged wakeful periods beyond a 16-hour wake window, in other words, if you're not regularly getting somewhere close to eight hours a night, leads to a decreased brain activity.

37:42Lou Beckett:Wow.

37:43unknown host:Well, that explains a lot, doesn't it?

37:44Lou Beckett:Who's getting eight hours? Who is it getting eight hours? I know, I mean, I don't think I had eight hours. Our husband. Yeah.

37:50unknown host:They're like, eight hours is not all. Peaceful sleep of a man who apparently can't hear a baby. Can't hear a baby. Do you know my husband could never hear the baby, but he could hear the garbage men just to make sure that they picked up our bins.

38:05Lou Beckett:Because that's their job. I like it.

38:08unknown host:I've gone through the getting woken up by kids. I'm now getting woken up by my husband. I'm also getting woken up by my perimenopause. I'm like, when do I get a break? Just let me sleep. When you're dead. Yeah, I'll sleep when I'm dead or when I need an operation. Hopefully not anytime soon. But you know when they put you under.

38:22Lou Beckett:Come on, please. Four days, please. Four days.

38:26unknown host:There's got to be some clinic somewhere that's just offering kind of twilight sedation for tired mums.

38:31Lou Beckett:I saw something online yesterday and it was a lady that was getting her hair. Her hair was really matted. I saw the hair. Did you? They put her to sleep. This lady walked in. It was a hair salon in America or something. And they're like, oh, we put her to sleep because otherwise the process would take like three and a half hours. And her hair was so matted that there was like four or five of them brushing her hair. And so it wouldn't hurt her. And she's just there for her to sleep. I do think that is going to hurt her when she wakes up though because they're just, what you're saying is you're just going to rip her hair

39:00unknown host:while she can't pull you out. But they actually put her to sleep, like medically put her to sleep.

39:04Lou Beckett:Yeah, she had a, like twilight's time.

39:05unknown host:And these women were brushing her hair. That sounds like the dream. And I thought to myself, wow, could I go to a salon and be like,

39:13Lou Beckett:listen, put some highlights in a summer, put me to sleep for five hours. I will be buzzing my nips off when I wake up.

39:20unknown host:Oh, absolutely.

39:22Lou Beckett:Refreshed. You could have your nails done, you could have your hair done. you could have your f***ing wax like whatever do whatever do whatever to me make me feel it'll be somewhere

39:30unknown host:somewhere

39:30Lou Beckett:let's make it our mission to find

39:32unknown host:Lou thank you so much for coming on thank you so much it's been so nice to have you on and for all the listeners and watchers just for one more time Lou Beckett's new book is out lessons from a default parent thank you so much for coming in thank you so much thank you for your book

39:47Lou Beckett:thank you thank you

39:48unknown host:bye thank you if you enjoyed this episode and felt seen by anything we talked about today, please hit that subscribe button and give us a like. It's the easiest way to support the show and helps other parents find this awesome community.