She Heard EVERYTHING Through the Kitchen Speaker | No Parental Guidance

0:00When you want your spring break to feel like and your kid's pool day to feel like and your hotel bed to feel like and room service to feel like because at Hilton, hospitality feels like Your cabana's ready. Would you like fresh towels? It matters where you stay. Book now at Hilton.com. Hilton for this day. Now, we love a bit of honesty on this pod. Absolutely. No printful guidance. We'd love a few fails when we get our listeners to write them with their fails. We've got some good ones here. I know, I'm excited for this as well. This one is from Becky in Bath, or Bath. In Bath. So my little boy had his first football practice the other day, so he gets changed into his new football gear.

0:48At the same time, my four-month-old did a massive poo. So I was changing the baby and my son walks in, sees the poo, starts gagging and then projectile vomits all over his kit. I had to leave him in his vomit while I cleaned up the baby and then eventually stripped him down. But then I'm gagging because I hate sick. And then he's gagging again because I'm gagging. Why are the early days just constant poo and sick? It's just nonstop. Oi, I love that. Me and my wife have fucking unsaid rule. I can't deal with sick. She really struggles with snot. Oh, really? Yeah, so you see like, you know, when they're little as well, they come in and like, when they sneeze.

1:24Yeah, it's gross. See, for me, I'm like, I can deal with that. I can deal with that. But you see with sick, you know like when sometimes you go to like, clean it off the bed as they're throwing up or something it leaves like that film yeah yeah yeah we sort of roll cheese yeah exactly i'll deal with that you deal with that you sort of balance it out but mate i don't blame her i would have been exactly the same yeah exactly the same yeah but it is it's constant poo sick just liquids everywhere all the time and for some reason my middle child like he's got a really good diet and his poos absolutely stink like like so bad the worst things i've ever smelled and every time i take him to karate on a wednesday he's like, mummy, I need a poo.

2:02But I need to take him into the women's toilet because I can't go into the men's. And then I always worry that when we walk out, somebody's going to walk in there and look at me and be like, you scruffy. Oh, it's me. She's back again. That Hannah East. My God, what a stinker. Oh, Hannah's back. I always worry about it. But like the smell comes out of the toilets towards the hole. Lingers on his gi. He's just there. He's just, oh, bless him. Love him. right fail two anonymous oh god right my son was born during covid and we hunkered down at my parents house till the worst was over one morning my husband had been entertaining our little one and playing music through the kitchen speaker i came downstairs and swapped with my husband so that he could go and get a shower my mom and i stood chatting in the kitchen when suddenly moaning groaning eyeing and sex noises came through the speaker we looked at each other and giggling i ran upstairs as fast as i could i knocked on the bathroom door and suggested my husband disconnect from the speaker ASAP.

3:01Yes, my husband had an itch that my postpartum body was not yet ready to scratch. So he was having a moment and watching some videos on his phone with a noise blaring through the kitchen speaker. He could barely look at my mum for the rest of the time we were staying in their house. I promise you now, guys, I would have, I think in that moment, I would have become COVID. I would have just disintegrated out of the window and you never would have seen me again. Bad guilt or about, no, mate, life guilt I'm gone that is the work that is so embarrassing because I think like hearing that maybe for you guys I don't know if that's your situation you heard that your husband your partner has gone up and done that maybe you'd laugh I would find that hilarious if it was the other way around I would knock on the door for the rest of the time I'd be winding her up oh yeah she has got her phone out exactly all the time but if it had been me guys I promise you now I would have I would have left the house mid shout I would have left the house naked and they would have seen me again.

3:57I would have ran off. Honestly. That would have been so embarrassing. That's so embarrassing. Because you'd all be in the kitchen going, oh my God, what's that? And when you've worked out what's actually happening. And you realise what it is, you're like, oh no. Worst thing ever. Oh gosh, no. Oh, that's a bad one. That is a really bad one. That's one of my favourite fails that we've had. Yeah, it was. Classic. This one's also anonymous. I have a beautiful 18-month-old son with my husband. The other night, my husband was bathing my son and they were having a great time laughing, playing and splashing.

4:25We always brush teeth in the bath just because it's the only way we can get him to do it without causing a fuss. I was busy cooking dinner when I hear, oh God, followed by crying. Turns out my husband had picked up his hemorrhoid cream instead of the toothpaste. Oh, Jesus. Talk about dad vision. I had no words other than how the hell can you see a golf ball 250 yards away and can't tell the difference between Colgate and germaloids? Oh my God. I think if we learned anything though, kids are quite robust. Yeah, they are very. You could have brushed his teeth with sulfuric acid and he would have gone, yeah, I'm all right.

5:04Don't worry about it, dad. Don't worry about it. And their teeth fall out anyway. Exactly. You're going to be fine. You've escaped that one. You're all right. Classic though. You're okay. Brilliant. Right. Fail four. There's no name again. Last week, my daughter had to take ingredients into school to bake bread. Classic me. I skim read the email with the ingredients list on it last minute, but did manage to get everything together that was needed from the cupboard the night before. I actually felt quite a sense of achievement that I didn't end up having to go to the shops. The next day I got a massive telling off from the teacher.

5:32It turns out one of her classmates is a celiac and there had been a note at the top of the email in bold bright red that said important only bring gluten free flour. I of course sent my daughter in with normal bread flour. I felt so bad for a second but then to be honest I was quite f***ed off. I get what feels like a hundred emails a day from them. I feel like thinking about another child's allergies is not in my brain space right now. If it's that important, the school needs to sort it. I feel like it's dangerous on their part to expect all of us to see the notice. Am I in the wrong? That's an interesting one.

6:04That is an interesting one. Because I would literally be like, well, if that person's got an issue, can they deal with that? Because my kid doesn't. Yeah, I kind of feel like maybe the school could have provided the right flour for everyone. Yeah, maybe that's such a good point. Yeah, we'll provide the flour because of the serious allergy. if you don't have a gluten-free kid you're not going to have gluten-free flour and not just that out of curiosity was i'm assuming well not it doesn't mean that like you're going to walk up and go oh by the way you're you're the celiac yeah step back i have some of my flour yeah unless you're sharing flour or i'm not sure i don't know but i think just be aware and sometimes look i think the thing that gets me everyone knows pairing is not easy sometimes mistakes are going to happen things are going to happen it's your job to double check and if that happens maybe flag it, maybe send an email, hey, if you could just keep an eye on it.

6:53But to get a massive telling off, I'm not one of your students. What do you do in that instance with, say if one of your kids has been in trouble at school and the teachers tell you, are you sort of like, do you get defensive and be like, oh, I'm so sorry my kid did that? Or are you one of those that's like, hold on a second. Because sometimes I feel like teachers, not all teachers, I love teachers. I'm not saying anything. My brother's a teacher. But I've had a few scenarios where I've been, some information's been relayed to me by a teacher. And I'm kind of thinking, I actually disagree with you.

7:23But then I can't say that in front of my kids because I don't want them to go, well, my mum doesn't agree with them anyway. So I can, you know, there's a fine line with that. I've been very lucky in the sense that as it stands, I haven't had one of those calls yet. Yeah. I think very much depending on what it is, because my son will say, oh, but if this happens, the teacher will tell me off. and my word is if I've spoke to you about something and I've given you my opinion and what I think is the right thing to do don't panic if the teacher has a go at you tell them to call me that's what I personally I'd like to tell them to call me so you haven't been beckoned over in the playground no I haven't had that yet can we have a quick chat no I haven't had that Mrs East and it's like that and all the other parents they're going and it's always when you're chatting to one of your mates and you're like oh basically guess what happened right and it's like she was the right bit oh you want to speak to me to me about my child's behavior yeah yeah okay although yesterday when my daughter came out of school she came running over and she had a certificate she was like mommy look and it was like a like an achievement certificate and i was a bit like because usually i'm the one that's like yeah but we had a certificate yesterday yesterday and i was a bit like look everyone look at this she did it she did it guys and then you look at it it's like you got your pen license well done sweetheart that's amazing oh everybody else has got one this you were the last one okay well done and we do love our fails but we also do love some wins and we have we have a win or a great mum hack this one is from katie lamb we saw this on instagram so check this out this is just a mum hack that will land you at least an hour of alone time i just want to get out of the house so you know what i'll go and do the grocery shopping for the week interact with some adults correct so um you put your hand up and you say look i'm gonna go do the grocery shopping i should be about an or so, that's fine.

9:11However, what you've actually done is you've done a click and collect. Right. So the shopping's already done, Leachie. All you need to do is go - Back that car up. And collect it. And then you might want to go and get a coffee. Hell, you can sit in the cafe and drink it. Wrong order. Coffee first, groceries last. Whatever. You don't want the ice creams to melt. You can take the scenic route home. You can eat that almond croissant you have been dreaming about all night. Wash it down with a raspberry and white chocolate muffin. And then when you get home, the baby needs you. So it's like, oh, well, do you mind unloading the car then?

9:46You unload it, yes. Do you see what I mean? You've just landed yourself a nice hour. Hey, depends on the shopping. A pat on the back. A pat on the back. You've done the right thing by the household, but you've actually just managed to go and enjoy a coffee, some pastries, go for a walk, listen to your music loudly in the car, windows down, and you come home and then you're back in the trenches. that's gold apart from when the kids are like I want to go with you mommy my daughter always wants to come with me but I do something similar that my husband doesn't know about and he'll never know because he doesn't listen to this podcast is birthday parties it's a drop off and it's like a two hour drop off and I will drop say ink off at a birthday party and I'll say to my husband I'm going to stay there I don't stay there can I ask you a question does anyone else despise this when there is a birthday party and they put on the invite or say in the group and they go, yeah, look, if you've got to drop and go, no problem.

10:43And everyone else replies goes, no, I will stay. I'm like, why? Why have you said that? Because I can't be the only one who drops and goes. No, I've got to stay as well. Why don't we just drop and go? Let them be their problem for two hours. Come on. They literally offered you it on a plate and they go, nah, I'll stay. And you see all the other parents walking in. Oh no, I always go. If my kids are happy with me going, I'll go. If they're a bit like, like, mommy, can you stay? I'll stay. But if they're cracking on, I'm gone. You're gone, straight up. I'm getting my nails done. I'm getting a coffee.

11:11Needs must, mate. My husband doesn't know. How's the party? It was really great. I went in there as well. I went in the soft play as well. I'm exhausted. I need to lie down. I'm that one that'll take my laptop to a kid's party though and sit in the corner. Oh, really? Because I'm like, right, I could get an hour and a half's work done. Yeah. So I will go and like, make a bit of small talk. I'm not amazing with small talk. Yeah, I'm a rubbish for small talk. And then go and sit in the corner and then I'll write, do whatever stuff I need to do. And then I feel like I've been really productive. I feel like as a parent, I'm constantly scraping at any time.

11:42And I feel that a kid's party is the opportunity where I get, yeah, is that weird? No. Is that, okay, cool. You're like that. Yeah, it's weird. No, needs must, mate. Needs must, exactly. I would rather use it to wash down a beverage with a raspberry and white chocolate muffin, but you've got to work on your laptop. You've got to work on your laptop. Do you know what I mean? It's what it is. And how are you like, how do you find the time like for rehearsing ahead of your tour and stuff? Like, how do you fit that in? Would you have an hour here, an hour there and go and practice? Or do you all, everyone have to be together?

12:11Everyone has to be together, to be honest. And that's why, again, hats off to my wife and my dad. And my wife's parents, they stayed with us for a little while as well. Like when I was super busy. And that really helped. That was lovely. Do you boys argue? What, like in diversity? Not so much now. Now that we're older, no. I mean, there used to be times when, like, do you want to know, some of the biggest arguments I've seen in diversity has been on the tour bus over, like, FIFA and Cods. Really? Yeah, no, no, no, no. Like, playing, like, we're playing Cods, and it starts off as a joke, and someone's getting wound up, and then everybody.

12:47That's the one thing I'll say about diversity. We all love support and positive messages, but if one of us is feeling a bit of a way, it's like a wolf. It's like a wolf. like everyone when they start like start prodding until he actually gets annoyed like one of the times one of the boys one of the biggest arguments he said I really want a husky like a dog yeah I really want a husky but they mull and then someone went I really want a husky but they mull for three hours on the coach everyone's going I really want a husky but they he got off at the services and stormed off for an hour didn't come back to the tour bus for an hour really yeah that's how stupid boys are can I just say that fully grown men like we're all nearly 30 do you sleep on these buses as well?

13:29no is it one of those? luckily no it's got like different sections and you TVs and play but we don't have to sleep with buses no but yeah so for something like that that's where I've seen the biggest arguments with diversity for someone who's going to be I really want a husky but they know and it literally he just popped off on you and he couldn't take it just had it it was like a torture technique we were just saying it for about three hours bless him but he just snapped and then half it back to it I was like I was really out of order he was just trying to talk to us about wanting a dog and we was like what a mug he wants to ask me like it's it's really silly so where are you travelling around for your diversity tour then yeah it's all all the UK everywhere we go everywhere which is which is fun I do do really enjoy it like you get to shall I tell you what I find as well it's like the more like when we're in England you're touring all of England the more north you go I won't lie the less reserved the crowds are when you're down here when you're further down south yeah People are just way more reserved.

14:26Like way more. They'll cheer and they'll have a good time. But when you start the further north you get. Do you think that too? Absolutely. Yeah, I won't lie. So I'm from like North Yorkshire. Right, okay. Like North Allerton, Middlesbrough kind of area. And the difference in. Really? Yeah, man. You really don't see it. There are southerners like really like. Sometimes you can be. You can be a bit like, yeah, this is very good. Lovely. Okay, next. And it's cool. You still get a great reaction and stuff. So we're kind of everywhere. And it's funny. you see on those crowds where they're more reserved so my mum is the diversity manager she manages diversity oh yeah that's amazing so she's on tour with us she's the tour manager as well so if you've got a crowd that's particularly tough and there's normally a part when everyone cheers i know where my mum's sitting because it'd be like i don't know up in the gods top right i'll hear whoo and she gets it going and never you know what once one person starts yeah everyone's So my mum's in the crowd, like almost like getting everyone to start going.

15:22It's really funny. So she watches every performance that you do. Like what a comfort blanket for you. Is she on the tour bus with you? She's on the tour bus. Did she sing that song with you? She probably won. She wanted the husky. She was like, yeah, what's the husky? Yeah, she's enjoying it. But she's, my mum is hilarious because she's sort of the glue of diversity. Obviously, we all met at her dance studio. Oh my God. That's how it started. So my mum used to be a ballerina. They started doing more commercial and street dance. She was our first ever dance teacher. Then my brother took over. Oh, my God.

15:51That's incredible. Yeah, now she manages us, which is nice. So she's there every single performance. Because she danced herself, used to choreograph us, like when we were really young, she'll come backstage. And if something wasn't good, she tells you on the spot. And does she do that now? If you do a performance and she's actually, you know what? If she comes back to tell you straight away on the spot. Yeah, but you need that as a dance teacher, I think. You do, yeah. You need someone to have that. She's got that dance mom energy. She'll come back. And I remember one time, sometimes she's quite creative with her insults.

16:21She'll come backstage and go, was that part of your costume? And I'm like, what's that? She's got the leg weights you've got on because you're moving like you're stuck in mud. Oh, my God. That was actually pretty good. That's brilliant. And because she's your mum as well, she can speak to you a little bit more like s*** compared to other people. But does she speak to all of you like that? Yeah, that's the problem. She treats all the motherfucking kids. She's known all of them for that long. Mother's Day is coming. So, you know, do you spend the day with your mum or with your wife or a bit of both?

16:44It depends. if we've got a day off I'll probably go home but then what I'll do is is that a lot of the time whether it's like father's day or mother's day if we're not on tour we're not busy normally we'll either all go to my brother's house or come to my house or whatever which is nice we spend it together and whilst we're away on tour we'll be with my mum but I'll try and get like Nate to come up with the kids or something like that or if we can go back I will uh but I love mother's day I I love Mother's Day now because my kids are somewhat literate now they can kind of half write themselves before I used to I used to struggle writing as a six month old baby guy you do so much for me I'm so proud of you thank you so much for everything you do thank you so much so it's nice and they love it shall I tell you what I do love at school when they does most of the stuff most of the stuff she's the one who gets all the emails and stuff she'll get in but Mother's Day coming up the kids are going to give you a gift please choose the gift that you would like to receive from your kids so they choose the gift then you have to pay for it so my daughter will be like oh I want to give you a mug right so my wife then pays the school to get a mug that my daughter then draws on and then my daughter brings it home and goes here you go happy mother's day my wife every time goes oh my god I mean it just sounds like every Christmas that school is really looking out for the dads yeah yeah 100 % listen mums right dads are going to forget so pay me and we'll sort you in here I'll do it we'll do it for you A pair of Jimmy Choo's, maybe some Lebuins, please.

18:09Oh, that'd be nice, isn't it? You're like, why are we paying like five grand to the school? What's the best bit of advice you would give any new parent? Do you know what I think is actually really tricky? I think that, and it sounds generic, but it's just the truth. Everyone's experience is going to be different. You will have that friend in the friend group where everything just worked. It was super easy. the pregnancy went well the baby slept through the night the toddler terrible twos that's a myth like you will have that you will have one friend who seems like they gave birth to the antichrist and you might be somewhere you might be just somewhere in the middle where you have some really good days some really bad days you feel like you've been a bit of a crap parent this day but you've been the mother Teresa of parents next just it's it it's all on your own sort of path like it's gonna be good it's gonna be bad enjoy it that is what it is that's the best bit of advice I can give I think that's brilliant advice and it's spot on and just lower your standards yeah a little bit don't be too hard on yourself yeah exactly don't Google anything yeah if you Google your kid will scrape their knee and you think you have to amputate it so just chill out don't Google anything you'll be fine just give them the iPad and tell them they'll be fine hang in there you've got this just make sure the iPad's charged well honestly you've been an absolute legend as we expected and predicted so thank you thank you guys I've really enjoyed it it's been really good Jordan thank you guys

19:37Thanks for listening to today's fails and hacks. I hope it's given you some light relief to your midweek grind. Now make sure you're subscribed to No Parental Guidance so you don't miss an episode.