The Mortifying Fails of Sleep Deprived Parents

0:00Right, before we get into today's chaos, we need to talk about teachers. Specifically the ones somehow teaching maths whilst also trying to locate Oscar's Lost Jumper for the third time this week. Today's episode is sponsored by Tesco, who are supporting National Thank a Teacher Day, celebrating the teachers who go above and beyond every single day. This is all part of Tesco's Free Fruit and Veg for Schools programme, and up to 100 schools will get this amazing funding to provide fresh, healthy food to help kids thrive during the school day. So get your thank yous in now or at least before the 1st of July.

0:33Today we're asking our guest about the teacher who inspired them and all the usual parenting chaos that comes with it on No Parental Guidance. Now if there's a teacher you want to thank, we'll drop the link in the show description and over in our Instagram bio. Right, let's get into it. Coming up... I look really sh** because I've just had a baby. That's why I've got this extra bit of like cookie dough stuff around my tummy. Look at my gut. I'm just a kid. I have to confess, one manic morning I was juggling breakfast, finding lost shoes and wrestling everyone out of the door and realised I'd forgotten to put a dress on.

1:06But oh my god, that's absolutely brilliant. I love it because we've all done it. But I actually think you probably could use a vibrator as a bit of white noise. I'm sure people have tried it. It's that desperation. Whatever works.

1:25Now I love a party But I've never done like a gender reveal party But they are like all the rage now aren't they? To like have the reveal Like the guy will kick a ball And he'll be dressed in white And then the colour exposed Have you seen some of the fails? That's so funny Have you seen when It's quite obvious that they're quite annoyed At the result Yes. And you think, oh no. And then I saw one where they did the gender reveal and the mum literally pushed the daughter-in-law out the way. And she was hugging the son. I saw that. That was awful. This is my moment. And then everyone was like really cross about it.

2:02I've seen one where a lady was leaving the house with a balloon and the kid in the background. Oh my God, I saw that as well. And you've got like your gender reveal on the ring doorbell. Oh no, I saw another one saying like there was a balloon and there was a toddler that was, you know, being a toddler. And the mum like bent down to tell the toddler off. And then the balloon went off in the air. So they didn't even know what the reveal was and that they had a party and everything and it just went off. Oh no. Did you do a gender reveal? No. So yeah, we found out on the scan with our first, cause he had his legs open, we saw his.

2:35And then the second we didn't find out, but we were really like, don't tell us, we don't want to know. And then for our third, that's when we did the nip test and found out early, but never told anybody. And a big part of me wishes that we didn't find out, but then I feel like it's nice when you've gone through labor and you're like, oh my God, what is it? Like what is it again? Why are you getting stitched up like a blooming? We didn't find out with any of them, but we had two boys and I don't know if you got this, but when we were pregnant with our third, everyone was like, is it because you want a girl?

3:02And I was like, no, it's because I want a third baby. I just, I don't care what they are. It would be nice, you know, I'm not gonna lie, it would be nice, but that's not a reason to have that. It wasn't the reason we went for a third. So we didn't find out. And I remember when I was giving birth, I was on all fours. And the first, I looked through my legs when she had come out. And the first thing I saw was her little vulva. And I was like, yeah, this is awesome. So that was my gender reveal. I looked through my legs and saw it myself. It was lovely, actually. It was a really nice surprise.

3:38and chrome that's new it can help you with practically anything on the web like restoring a vintage motorcycle from a 50-page restoration block or finally break down that long article you've had open for weeks gemini and chrome is here for it ready to make anything online make sense there's no place like chrome check responses set up required compatibility and availability varies 18 plus yeah my husband was all floods of tears and and i remember saying to him like when you're changing the nappy because it's very different changing from a boy to a girl boy you could just go, it's all done, it's all.

4:10Put a sock over the winky. Within reason, you know, within reason. I did change nappies properly, just saying. But with a girl, it's like from the top to bottom, isn't it? You know, you have to be very, very careful, intricate. It is an intricate area. And I remember saying to my husband, if you give her an infection for not wiping properly, I'm gonna be furious. It's funny that you say that. Like so many people, A said to me, you're having a third baby. Well, I stopped at two because when I had my second, my experience was awful and then they start to tell you why they didn't have a third and you stood there like heavily pregnant going fantastic well I'm going to get this thing out of my soon and it's going to really hurt but thanks so much for telling me that or did you are you trying for a girl and it's like no I just presumed I was going to have three boys I've always thought I'd have three boys so it was a real shock to have a girl same which is again it's amazing um but yeah people love to say are you trying for yeah like what was it you wanted it's like I I didn't want anything other than just my own healthy baby.

5:08That's all it was. Yeah. When I had my second boy, I actually did get comments, even from strangers in a... I remember growing up at a post office and I had my second son in a papoose on me wearing white, like a white little onesie. And I had my son who was clearly a boy. And this guy in the post office said, oh, what is it? Boy or guy? And I went, oh, it's a boy. And he looked at my son who went, what a new boy. He was like, better luck next time. and I was like, what are you talking about? Yeah. This is amazing. Yeah. Like, it doesn't matter. And who cares? They're healthy. They're here. You've just given birth and then someone will say, are you going to try for a second one then?

5:46What age gap are you going to wait for? And you're like, Jesus Christ, let me heal. Do you know what I find is there seems to be like this conveyor belt of questions asked. So you're single. Yeah. When are you going to get a boyfriend? You get a boyfriend. When are you going to get engaged? You get engaged. When are you going to move in with each other? You move in. When are you going to get married? You get married. when you can have a kid you have a kid another kid give another kid yeah when are you gonna get divorced and it's like can you just leave me alone okay I've done everything uh not that I have divorce on my radar just yet but um you know he's a very good choice for my first husband but people I remember my husband went to this uh to have a meeting once and uh he said oh yeah because um my current wife she's uh and like one of my friends was with him and was like Andy did you just say your current wife and he was like wow yeah she is it's like yeah but you don't say my current wife as if like yeah i'm planning on getting her the f*** out of my house that's what you don't say that you're current i always tease him about that did you have a look at some fails this week from our listeners this is like my favorite part of the show i love this part so after your spanks video i have to confess one manic morning i was juggling breakfast finding lost shoes and wrestling everyone out of the door for nursery drop-off somehow we made it on time I jumped straight onto the train for work, sat down, went to take off my Mac and realized I'd forgotten to put a dress on.

7:10Oh my God. Mortifying, I had to hop off, stop early and buy a dress. Oh my gosh. There was also a reel I saw last week of a door cam catching a mum leaving the house without her trousers and quickly realizing. Oh my gosh, the poor lady. But they do feel like, because they hold you in, they do make you feel as if someone's cuddling you. Yeah, but to forget your dress. Imagine, yeah, like an important meeting. But you can, it's so easily done, isn't it? Oh my gosh. I quite often will wear clothes inside out. Oh yeah, I've done that. I don't realise it. Although like odd socks is now, that's just the thing for me.

7:45Because I'm like, I don't have time to find all the matching socks. But oh my God, that's absolutely brilliant. I've left the house in slippers before. Have you? Like where have you gone to? The High Street. Oh right. But you know, kind of thinking, but I was a bit annoyed because when I got home, I mean, obviously I was annoyed, I'm wearing slippers. But when I got home and then I couldn't wear the slippers, you know, upstairs and around the house because they're my indoor shoes that now we're exposed to outdoors. So, I wanted to go. Imagine someone would look at you and go, oh dear, she's got three kids.

8:13And I wonder if the lady with the Spanx, because we didn't settle the debate about having holes in Spanx for your flower to be exposed. I wonder if she had a hole in a flower area. Imagine sitting on the train thinking, whew, a bit of a breeze on the old vajay there today. Right? And it's a Spanx. Yeah, maybe that's how she realized. Maybe. Yeah, she got a little draft. Right. A draft. If you're in Yorkshire, you say a draft. A draft. She's got a draft. A bloody draft on her flower. In the bath. I was a new mom and absolutely exhausted. My little one had colic and cried for what felt like 23 hours a day.

8:49God bless you. In a moment of sheer desperation and delusion, I saw an ad online for a designer swaddle blanket promised to be the one thing that would soothe a colicky baby. It cost a small fortune, but in my sleep deprived state, I was convinced it was the solution to all my problems. I felt a surge of hope as I carefully wrapped my screaming baby in it. The silence was a full two seconds. He immediately broke free, started crying again, and then in a moment that felt like an act of pure defiance, projectile vomited all over the designer fabric. So there I was sitting on the floor, holding a still crying baby in a blanket that costs more than my monthly grocery bill now covered in vomit I just want to give this lady a hug but that's the thing that's the sort of thing that you would cry about but you wouldn't tell people about because you think if I told my friend that they'd be like for god's sake it's just been sick on a blanket but when you haven't slept and you're the colic but screaming colic phases I remember I had a friend and she phoned to me and she said um can i just ask you know when you had your babies what white noise did you use and um i said oh i found an app actually that was quite good i mean i had all these teddies and stuff what she what she was actually doing she had a baby in a bouncer she had one foot and she was rocking it she had a hair dryer in one hand and a hoover in the other and white noise music on and she said she was like and and she said like but the baby went to sleep yeah and she said she She didn't dare stop any of this movement.

10:19And her husband came home and he was like, babe, what the are you doing? And she was like, I'm settling the baby. I mean, you do whatever it takes. In that moment, anything. Whatever, I must admit, one of the most greatest hacks I did for white noise was a hairdryer. Yeah. And I put it on the cold setting. So the vibrations of the hairdryer, the baby can feel. Yeah. And I kid you not, it worked every time. and to a point where when all my kids even got to like two years old and having a massive meltdown, I'd be like, come with me and just turn the hairdryer on. And it was almost like, zone out.

10:58I might try it now. But the hairdryer was a definite one. And there was one day where I didn't have a hairdryer. I think we were away somewhere. And I actually got my electric toothbrush, turned it on and just put it next to my baby's head. And it was... And just settled though. It's like those rockets. Have you seen them? Yes. So I saw a friend and she had the rocket and I think I charged it and it was like jumping a bit on my worktop. And she was like, oh my God. And I was like, what? And she's like, oh, what have you and Andy been doing? Oh God, she thought it was a massive vibrator. And I was like, isn't it?

11:36It's not a massive dildo. It's like literally that big. I mean, it probably could fit in, to be honest, after three kids. I think you probably could use a vibrator as a bit of white noise. I mean, I'm sure people have tried it. It's that desperation. Whatever works. Whatever works. You need to get that baby to sleep. But I do feel for this mother. Bless you. If you do have a vibrator, maybe. No. No. Don't do that. Terrible. No. No parental guidance where anything goes today on the show. Just give your kid a vibrator. It'll be fine. There is that scene though in Sex and the City. I don't know if you've seen that scene where Miranda's baby doesn't stop crying and Samantha just gets her massive vibrator, just put it next to the baby.

12:22Oh, so it is a thing. Oh yeah. Yeah. It's just, it's just white noise. It's vibration, which is basically, you know, what a vibrator does. Does a lot of things. Yeah, it does. Yes. It's pure pleasure for everybody. So next fail. This happened to me just the other day. I'm a mum in the absolute trenches right now. I'm not sleeping at night and I've just had a bit of a sh** with her. Appals for swearing. Don't worry about it. However, I've had to see the comedy in these moments. Anyway, I was so sleep deprived one day, all the days, and my baby is cluster feeding. And in my haze, I basically had a two hour window where my boob was out on full display.

12:58I'd answered the door to one delivery driver, a postman, and I'd also spoke to Mike from next door as I was putting out the bins. Oh my God. I didn't notice until my boobs started getting full again and leaking. Oh my gosh. This, this is like. This is brilliant. My favorite kind of story. Yes. I love it because we've all done it. We've all done it. Like, I mean, maybe not, not so much out the whole time, but wow. Barry from DPD has seen my a** more than my husband in the last 12 months. Let me tell you. It's like you forget. And then you need, I always felt like after I'd finished feeding, I just needed a bit of air to my boob because you constantly got those pads on and then you know the cups that catch you like leaking milk everywhere I used to just I felt like I just wet all the time yeah so I just like to free them and air them um and the amount of times where I've gone and answered the door and stood there and been like oh oh my god I like half molded my there's like really like yeah boulders in parma ham just around the door it's just I think it's more embarrassing for them as well, like the delivery drivers.

14:07Actually, I wonder how many times a delivery driver has seen that. What they've seen at the front door with a ridiculously tired mother just like... I remember a parcel was delivered and my sleep deprived chaos trenches. And he gave him the parcel, I went, thanks, I love you. And he just went, love you too. And he was just being nice to me, but I, but you know, like I just told a delivery driver that I loved him. I don't know who he is, but I was just like, it was back the next day though, wasn't it? Yeah, back the next day. Yeah. He still comes. You think of all those things. I remember when the bank phoned me and they said, um, what was, I need, you know, when they ring you and they're like, oh, hi, is that Hannah?

14:50You need to answer security questions to me. And it's a bit like, well, you're ringing me, mate. Like, why do I have to answer? Anyway, this, this person from the bank was like um what was the name of your first pet and I was like I haven't had a pet and he was like well I need to know the name of it and I was like I haven't had a pet before and then he was like well you can you fail the security questions I can't proceed and and I was like there's a fraud on my account what happened is um the answer was I haven't that is no I haven't had a pet before just say no but I was shouting at this man going I don't have a name because I've never had and i just had to say no before he could proceed and then basically there was so much action on my account that they they phoned me as like it was detected as like fraud so my card had stopped and i couldn't answer the security questions and i was like if i wasn't tired no it wouldn't have been a problem but it's just but i love how you were upset that you were like i don't have a pet i cried on the phone to the man at the bank and then at the end he was just like are you okay i I was like, I've just got a baby and she's not sleeping.

15:53I remember crying at an army commercial, you know, and it's like, be the best or whatever it was. And like, you know, people signing up to the army and do these incredible things. I remember sobbing through that. Like, I'm going to join the army. What, to get away from your kids at the time? Yeah, army roll out of the nursery. Isn't it funny, the stuff that you get like upset about. It's just so circumstantial. Circumstantial? Circumstantial. Circumstantial. It's circumcision. It's like, yeah, the stuff we just, I remember being in Superdrug and they didn't have the eyeliner left that I wanted.

16:29And I was like, oh my God, I can't, what am I going to do? Do you know what? That's just a trigger to memory. I remember a Mother's Day gift was a voucher to go and get a massage. And I was running late, obviously, because the kid did a poo or whatever and I had to clear up before I went by myself to go and get this lovely massage. And I was so excited. and I got there and I was about 15 minutes late and they were like sorry but you've missed your slot and I sobbed at the receptionist I and I was just like I just really need oh no you were like like yeah like hyperventilates shoulders going like it's not everywhere and this poor receptionist not a mother very young like Saturday job just stared at me like rabbit in headlights and she was like I don't know what to do.

17:17I don't know what to do. And then someone came along and they were like okay well it's fine. And I was like okay thank you. And then still when I got my I can't remember what it was. I think it was a massage or foot massage or something. Couldn't stop crying. It was like someone had turned on that tap. Yeah. And it just went just could not stop crying. But it felt really good. But I can't ever go back there. And how old were your kids then? Young. Like young. That's probably the first time you were away from the kids as well. where you just had like a half hour window. And I just was so excited to just have this time to myself.

17:49And then I felt like it was taken away from me. Yeah. And I was just like, I just need this for myself. I deserve this. Yeah. So, yeah. And you get to that point where I do this sometimes where it's like when the babies were born, I wanted to tell people that I had a newborn baby. Yeah. Yes. And you know, you're just like, oh, I've just had a baby. Yeah. Or, and in my head, it was like maybe justifying my appearance, my behavior. Oh my God, 100%. Oh, I remember doing that. Like I look really sh**. I've just had a baby. Yeah. I've had a baby. That's why I've got this extra bit of like cookie dough stuff around my tummy.

18:20Look at my gut. I've just had a kid. Yeah. Like everything, everything looks rubbish. I've just had a baby. Yeah. I remember doing that. I remember doing that. Yeah. Especially when you have a massage, which I think I had one like as a gift, a similar kind of thing. Like I just had a baby and you have to be careful because you're breastfeeding and everything. And I remember being like, oh, like I've got like cellulite all down the backs of my legs. And, you know, I've obviously got like a quite fat belly and my boobs are massive and veiny, like a London tube map because I'm breastfeeding and I look like and I've got pigmentation all over my face my really saggy and my vagina's battered but honestly such a magical time it's a magical

18:56I once meant to message my friend privately about how relentlessly another mom was going on about world book day costumes in a school whatsapp group I'd said she needs her own whatsapp group called things nobody asked except I didn't send it to my friend I sent it to the school whatsapp group Oh my God. I realized, panicked and deleted immediately without saying anything. But I saw that at least three people saw the message, including her. Forever hoping they don't bring it up. Oh my gosh. Including she saw it. I mean, we've all done that, haven't we? When you send a message to someone that you don't want to send it to.

19:30My mom did it the other day and she's 78. So it never stops. And that panic. But also I, when you see a deleted message in a WhatsApp chat, I'm like... Good sleep is everything. That's why Oli's science back support is made with a blend of melatonin and L-theanine for both kiddos and grownups. So when your mind won't switch off, you've got something that can help. Erasing thoughts and restless nights won't stand a chance. Find Oli's sleep solutions for the whole family at Oli.com. That's O-L-L-Y dot com. What did it say? Who's it about? You just never know. And to be fair, World Book Day, it's like the Met Gala for kids, isn't it?

20:14Oh, yeah. It's like, what do we wear? And then it's like, you know, if you have two people, two kids wearing the same outfit, it's like, you know, who wore it best? I mean, it really is stressful. I'm quite pleased now that our school just say, just come in wearing pajamas. Well, it's the mums that they go to town with a hot glue gun. There's a mum at school that said to me once, and I hope she never listens to this because she's literally said this. She was like, what's Bradley and Logan doing for World Book Day? And I was like, when is it? and she said like it was literally in like a few days so what I didn't realize was world book day was replace one item Bradley and Logan went to school head to toe in their Star Wars costumes with a face mask and everything but the best picture I've ever got of my kids was Bradley with a face mask on and I could see the anger in his face because he's literally like because he was so f***ed off that he got to school and he was like eight years old and everyone else just had maybe like a tie yeah or like a one item like a jumper and he was head to toe you know the shoe covers and everything it was like an offer yeah yeah yeah he was he was the full shebang or I dressed Logan a few years ago and the teacher was like so who have you come as then and then he was like I don't know my mummy said she read a book when she was younger I can't remember what it was called it was just the only thing I had in the cupboard and I was like mummy read this book about a bunny rabbit um with green ears and like a purple tie yeah it's a very special book yeah can't find it anymore yeah mummy wrote it it's never been published she wrote it this morning on her notes on her phone because yeah i once sent my kids in just wearing normal clothes and the teacher was like who are they and i was like they've come as kipper and biff and chip and all those characters that you get in those really annoying books and they're starting to read and yeah and then I was like and there's my husband he's come as floppy the teacher was like it's a bit early for that what would your husband say that you went as?

22:09oh I don't know probably a witch I honestly think though if our husbands listen we should get them on the podcast one time should we? do you know what we should? I think the other day my husband was like he was like yeah I think we should he was like I don't think I should listen to your podcast because I don't want it to start an argument I'm like it won't I paint a great picture of you babes most of the time. We should get them on. We should get them on actually. We should. I think we should ask listeners if they want our husbands to come on. Yeah, their side of the story. Actually, what's interesting with that is when I wrote my book, I gave my husband a chapter.

22:41Did you? Yes, he had a right of reply. But it was only fair. And it's fascinating because all the things that our partners do to piss us off, we piss them off. And things that I do, he's written in the book. and I was like, you do that? I didn't know that annoyed you. And he was like, yeah, because I just don't nag about it. I'm like, oh! And you were like, well, there's 48 chapters about you. Yeah, exactly. I was like, I don't, because I'm literally like, I don't think I, I think I'm perfect. I don't do anything that annoys you. And he's like, well, there's this and there's this and there's this.

23:14There's this and I'm like, yeah, I do do that. And then it goes to chapters. Yeah. So we should have them on. Right. I've been listening to your episodes and I can fully relate to all the swimming stories. This is a fail from me, but I'm also blaming my husband here. Like so many of your listeners, I'm a mum of nearly two year old and our weekends often revolve around swimming just to tire him out. We can have it, so we can have a quiet afternoon. She's my spirit animal. At our local pool, there's a mini elephant slide that he loves, but he just can't quite grasp that he needs to slow down on the steps.

23:44He races up as fast as he can, excited, overstimulated on a very slippery surface. I'm trying to hold onto him, but he's just pushing me away, shouting, mummy off. So my husband takes over. He gets him to the top of the slide and without even a hand to hold him, our son slips, lands on his head and slides down with a massive plop into the water. For a second, all I could see was my baby, eyes wide open, just starfishing underwater. I grabbed him out, there were tears and of course I immediately started the low aggressive tone at my husband for not watching him. The perfect start for a relaxing Saturday.

24:17I'm sorry to giggle but it's like I could totally, I've been there and when you're in the moment you're like this is like for f***ing sake yeah like this is meant to be a nice enjoying Saturday morning thing together as a family and it's like I just want you to it's like well you said your story when you're on holiday and and you wanted your husband to watch your kid and in the end you had to get someone around the pool to help watch yes because your husband was like yeah fine and it's like no there's water it's slippery danger has it water danger oh god i wonder if the lifeguard got the whistle out there's nothing worse when you get the whistle from the lifeguard all right you can't run you can't do this you can't have fun oh gosh bless her though i know it's like we've all we've all been there and the amount of times where we went for a walk a few weeks ago with some friends and you know those like uh zip line things that the kids can sit on and they go over the bark and um annabelle had climbed up onto the frame of that and i'd specifically said to my husband can you just watcher it was like a meter and a half drop i was so embarrassed because the four boys our two and our friend's two boys were there on this platform we're all stood around and andy just turned around carried on drinking his coffee my coffee was on the floor from earlier and it was cold and he was just casually drinking his and annabelle just fell off and it fell in slow motion because if andy just kept hold of her like i asked him to and i did the whole like aggressive low tone like she said absolutely and I literally just went for f**k's sake like really loud and then I looked and I was like I've just sworn directly an eyeliner for little boys and I was so embarrassed but I was so angry at my husband for not just holding on to her like she was one yeah and then I was like I'm so sorry naughty jar you know Hannah shouldn't have said that no I was I didn't know what I was like I'm so sorry I was like really flustered and I thought I shouldn't have had that reaction but when it comes to your child and it's like danger danger so it's just so basic yeah it's basic make sure they're safe yeah just do the job properly like i'm so uptight when it comes to anything like that she annabelle was absolutely fine and what annoyed me actually she kind of rolled over and was like yeah do it again but in that moment because she just went quiet i was like like really angry yeah and then andy was like that babe she's fine yeah like gritty it's yeah it's pet peeves.

26:37Thank you again for all your messages. We absolutely love hearing from you all, so keep sending them in. If you've enjoyed today's episode, please do leave us a review and share it with a friend, especially that one friend who keeps buying stuff on TikTok shop at 2am. Me. We all do it. Also, make sure you subscribe to our YouTube channel, No Parental Guidance, so you never miss an episode. We'll be back next week with more fails, more laughs, and I'm definitely winging this moment. See you then. Thank you. Bye. Bye.

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