When the parenting fails go from bad to worse!

0:00Hannah:Right, before we get into today's chaos, we need to talk about teachers. Specifically the ones somehow teaching maths whilst also trying to locate Oscar's Lost Jumper for the third time this week. Today's episode is sponsored by Tesco, who are supporting National Thank a Teacher Day, celebrating the teachers who go above and beyond every single day. This is all part of Tesco's Free Fruit and Veg for Schools programme, and up to 100 schools will get this amazing funding to provide fresh, healthy food to help kids thrive during the school day. So get your thank yous in now or at least before the 1st of July.

0:33Today we're asking our guest about the teacher who inspired them and all the usual parenting chaos that comes with it on No Parental Guidance.

0:41Hannah:Now if there's a teacher you want to thank, we'll drop the link in the show description and over in our Instagram bio. Right, let's get into it. Coming up... He slapped her bum as hard as he could. Thankfully she burst out laughing while I died inside. My daughter just said, does that man have a baby in his tummy? I just want the earth to swallow you up and spit you out in your living room. Daytime sex has come back. Has it? Sometimes. Then my daughter came walking in our bedroom and asked me why I was kissing daddy's f***ing.

1:22Hannah:Hello and welcome back to No Parental Guidance, the podcast where we overshare so you feel better about your parenting chaos. I'm Louise. And I'm Hannah, armed with coffee, chaos and stories I probably should not admit in public. So one thing I find like is the school clubs. We have this thing at school where on Thursday they went back to school and then on the Friday evening at 6pm the clubs were released. So you know that every parent has set their alarm for five minutes to six yes and they've found out what kids they want to do I was on the train on the way back from London had to phone my husband get he was getting the laptop he was looking after the three kids on his own it was stressful they were throwing stuff and I was like oh my god Bradley was like I went to do hockey on Friday never played hockey in his life never liked it never shown any interest I was like but you do gymnastics on a Friday and I found myself arguing with a nine-year-old that he needs to do this class and then I thought I'd rather you didn't do it because it's me being taxi even more on a Friday evening yeah um how do you balance clubs and there's so many and you can relate to this you've got three kids with so many different clubs some of them are at the same time yeah you have to jog you have to like kind of hope that other parents like can you take my kid there can you bring them back and um it's a lot eczema is unpredictable but you can flare less with EpGliss, a once-monthly treatment for moderate to severe eczema.

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3:20Hannah:EBCLIS can be used with or without topical corticosteroids. Don't use if you're allergic to EBCLIS. Allergic reactions can occur that can be severe. Eye problems can occur. Tell your doctor if you have new or worsening eye problems. You should not receive a live vaccine when treated with EBCLIS. Before starting EBCLIS, tell your doctor if you have a parasitic infection. Ask your doctor about EBCLIS and visit EBCLIS.lily.com or call 1-800-LILY-RX or 1-800-545-5979. nine oh it is a lot and you're right when you get that kind of uh it's like getting tickets to you know trying to get oasis tickets everyone's like on like ticketmaster go now now now and it's the same with clubs so my little boys i'm desperate for them to be musicians so i used to play the clarinet and piano and i used to be in an orchestra at school i used to love it oh and i mean i was but i loved it and uh did gcse music and i've always thought i want my kids to play an instrument now they don't like music they don't practice they're not interested in it but the school encourage it so I was like I'm going to get them to read music as much as I can so I paid a lot of money for them to have piano lessons and they wouldn't practice at home and I was like come on if you want to improve you've got to practice um I was heavily pregnant with Annabelle and we went to watch Bradley in one of his music lessons and it was so hot in the room I remember sitting there and I was like oh my god you know when you're so tired and you're heavily pregnant I was like really I was like nipping my skin not to fall asleep oh gosh I turned around and my husband was like this like fast asleep during the school music lesson oh no god's sake Andy like you know you can't do like nudging him and then we went to watch them in this orchestra at school and you know and everyone stood there and we're all everyone's clapping going oh my god you know no photography because everyone wants to capture this moment and then they get the violin the bow up and they're like i was just done say the violins just it would it took me to the edge it took me to the edge i tried to like be yeah but mine never practiced at home so i've never experienced that well yes mine did and what was that like i mean you might as well put nails down a chalkboard oh god um really and it was just after a while and the thing is you're like oh this sounds really good this sounds this this is great and then you're like what are we why don't let's do something else now and again you know you feel like it's tricky because you want to encourage them and be really enthusiastic which I was but when you're on a zoom call or you're just trying to get some inner zen and you can hear like you're like this is not nice this is not nice and then there was the orchestra the Christmas orchestra and all the parents I mean actually to be fair there were some some parents just giggling like you couldn't help but giggle because it was that bad.

6:07Hannah:And the poor music teacher, he must have known that it wasn't that great, but still feeling like, yep, this is great, guys. This is great. But yeah, when I first became a mom, I had the whole like, they have to do this club and this club and this club and this club. And I kind of feel like I've relaxed a bit more. Like third one, I'm like, you can do your ballet. You've got your stagecoach. To be fair, she has just started football and swimming. Yeah. Good sleep is everything. That's why Ollie's Science Back Support is made with a blend of melatonin and L-theanine for both kiddos and grown-ups.

6:37Hannah:So when your mind won't switch off, you've got something that can help. Erasing thoughts and restless nights won't stand a chance. Find Oli Sleep Solutions for the whole family at oli.com. That's O-L-L-Y dot com. Actually, no, I take it back. It's still a lot. She has a club every day. It's a lot. It is a lot, yeah. But I have given up rainbows. And what's that? It was one where she had to take that bear and write about the bear. like no it's it's like brownies yeah it's like brownies couts couts scubs oh my god couts and scouts that one it's like that but for for girls I guess but yeah we've started it just clashed with so many things yeah because Annabelle's like two so I'm thinking she I take her to a baby dance class and gymnastics with their drop-in classes so it's great so if I'm busy or but with Bradley and Logan the clubs I used to take them to I remember once this is so cringe I actually cringe about it we got this um babysitter to come around and she came around once at 10 o 'clock till 2 10 in the morning till 2 in the afternoon and she was like is there anything you'd like me to do and I literally set up my sitting room as like an olympics like as he had an activity to do there he had an activity to do there then he could have a snack I even put like the snack in between the activities and I was like and then he could do this and then go for a walk and I'd written it down I was like she must have thought oh f*** off like just go out he will sit and watch Peppa Pig with me before I like what was this your first child obviously yeah of course yeah yeah and I thought oh my god it's so cringe and then with Logan my second it was like he just kind of we did clubs but they were joint clubs together yeah but then I've had like an age gap so Bradley and Logan was sort of seven and five when I had Annabelle and now I feel like I don't do as much with her I have that pressure where I think the the boys are doing too much where they do an after-school club then an evening club wow yeah and that's a lot and they start school at like quarter to eight every day so a long day for them and then for Annabelle I think I'm not doing enough I don't think you know because the boys could do it but she's way more advanced than they ever were and I'm like where is it constant battle with parenting it really is it really is and I it's funny I read somewhere I can't remember where it was now you know we do all these clubs like football and swimming and all of them and I think I think the percentage is something like only 0.4 percent of kids actually become professional at what they do it's ridiculous yeah like no one's you know you see parents you know taking their kid to football and like they're going to be like Beckham I can see it and like you're probably not I feel like the people that message us yeah with their fails we should we should give them a name You know how Taylor Swift has Swifties?

9:22Yes.

9:23Hannah:Where she'd need to give them a name like, I don't know, what could it be? The NPGs. Or is that a bit weird? The MPG Nets. The MPG Nets. Maybe even people listening can think of a name. And send it in to us. What should they be called? So especially when they're being anonymous. Because they're being quite, it's very brave, noble, brilliant to send in their fails. Especially when some of the... Study and play. Come together on a Windows 11 PC. And for a limited time, college students get the best of both worlds. Get the Unreal College Deal. Everything you need to study and play with select Windows 11 PCs.

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10:17Hannah:The story is absolutely brilliant. And we do get loads. So please do keep sending them in. But we need to give you guys a name. We need a cool name. A cool name. But because we're probably all sleep deprived and can't think. Yeah, I'm hearing an appraisal. Yeah. If anybody can have a think, send them in. What about the diehards? The diehard fans? No, maybe not. I've got one from Steph on Instagram. And she says, my son was about three. We were shopping in Primark. Primark? Primark? Primark. Primark, whatever. when he spotted a woman in shiny pleather trousers. She bent down to pick something up and before I could stop him, he slapped her bum as hard as he could.

10:56The sound echoed around the store. She spun round horrified and he just shrugged and said, I wanted to know what her trousers sounded like. Thankfully, she burst out laughing while I died inside and apologised. Oh my God. Sorry, how old's this kid? Oh, three. Three.

11:14Hannah:I mean, it's a good job he wasn't like a 16 year old. I know you'd really get away with it then would you it's my son's 24 I wonder what that sound was like it is a good sound actually a good slap good slapping sound but it's so innocent as a kid it is it is but can you imagine that poor lady who got like the receiving end of the slap being like oi oi oh I don't know I mean if it was a good slap she might be like oi oi that is quite oh it's a three-year-old in nappies just slapped my ass in pre-mart oh gosh but the poor mum though as well you'd be like i'm really sorry but you can't control like with your kids when you go it's always when they're like you're at the checkout and they'll be like mummy why is that man so fat yeah oh my god jesus or like why why they got a spot on their face or like just something that is so could be so offensive or upset somebody so much but you but you almost know that they're gonna do it when they start talking because they're staring at them aren't they they're staring at said person and you're like you're gonna say something now and you're like let's just go la la la la la anything let's sing a song here have a snack take my phone anything to see don't say what I know you're going to say because there's no filter they're just there and it's just say what you say what you see and it'll be the most offensive thing that a kid could possibly say but you have to stand there and you can't make a point of it I'm so sorry that he's just like really pointed out that you've got a really big mole or a big spot on your nose and it's like yeah like I'm looking at it right now while I talk to you you can't do that can you no but yeah my daughter did that and um we were doing like you know the um self-checkout in sainsbury's yeah and there was a man next to us who um well you know my daughter just said does that man have a baby in his tummy and it's so embarrassing and you're like and he you can hear he's heard everything yeah but you just gotta be like no men can't have babies why is it so big then mommy it's when the parents go it's oh my god you can't do anything can you no you just have to just have to remove for yourself and your child and you can't tell them off because they're not doing anything wrong they're just you know you just want the earth to swallow you up and spit you out in your living room right moving on okay um and this one is also anonymous i love how they say anonymous uh that was messaged into our instagram when my son had chicken pox he had spots right inside his bum i know bless him he begged me to scratch it and obviously i said no way so i grabbed one of those free toothbrushes from the dentist and use that instead.

13:39Hannah:Fast forward a few weeks later at my baby's vaccinations and the nurse offers us more toothbrushes and my son pipes up. Mum, that's the one you used to scratch my bum. Pretty sure and praying she didn't hear him. Oh, okay. Toothbrush to scratch your bum. Hoping it was one of those soft ones. Yeah, the soft bristle ones. Maybe pseudocrim next time. Yeah, maybe I'm sure there's... Pseudocrim in the bums. Chamomile lotion. Yeah. That's what you put on, isn't it? but that is again it that's quite embarrassing it's just getting kids say but chicken chicken pox are horrific i remember we came we were about to endure a 12 hour flight home from our holiday and my six-year-old at the time was like had a temperature didn't feel very well and he got a bit of a rash and i was like that looks a bit suspicious so i paid it was like 100 quid for the doctor to come to our room the day that we were flying and check him over he said he's just got a virus so I said could you put that in writing because I'm concerned if there's anything right I don't know why I did I wouldn't normally be that sort of proactive so we got to the airport and it was like it's still a heat rash and I actually put him in a collared shirt because I didn't want people to stop him and think he looked like he had long story short we were six hours into our flight we got on the plane with a heat rash and he was covered in chicken pox and the air stewardess was I said I was like excuse me I was pregnant with Annabelle my third at the time and I said listen my I need to show you my my son has come out in chicken pox within six hours he's got a raging temperature it was so embarrassing we had to um an announcement had to be made on the plane that there was a little boy with chicken pox on it we had to be escorted off the plane these people gowned up came to get us and take us off the plane oh my gosh we're at the carousel waiting for our luggage as if like nothing had happened by that point they didn't give a shit we're off the planes it's like right do one and then logan's logan's there literally covered in spots with this like harry hill shirt on and i'd put him in my in andy's baseball cap so it was like he's so tiny around his head and there was like this huge circle around us because nobody wanted to stand near us and i was i just wanted somebody to swallow me it was so embarrassing i'm stood there pregnant and people like are you okay you're pregnant and your son's got chicken pox but you know it's like there is a boy on the plane with chicken pox it's like just say it's him because it's pretty obvious it was awful he was so poorly and i always blame myself but he was so poorly got him he was actually taken into hospital it was oh my gosh i'm so sorry yeah yeah because you get some parents who um when they hear that someone's got chicken pox they kind of like want to hang out with that child box parties we had them yeah yeah so you can catch it your kid gets it we're like lick it spit on each other whatever you gotta do catch it do it because i think the younger they are the i think the easier it is to get over or it's just done basically it's just done it's out of your system yeah yeah so i know you can get a vaccine for it so i mean obviously i'm not medical ex i have to say that every episode i know and i just thought actually i just thought because we've said obviously pseudocrem in the bum as well yeah i don't know if that's the right thing to do we're not medical professionals we are we are just inexperienced mums trying to wing it but my daughter I paid for her to have the vaccine because I was so worried that she would get scarred like my middle child but that was the worst flight I've ever had because we were a few gin and tonics deep at this point we thought the kids would sleep on a night flight that I better just check on him because it wasn't very well and I was like oh my goodness me so the air stewardess was like did you know he had chicken pox I was able to show her this letter oh that's good from the doctor um but it's just the way he got off like with his high collar and this massive hat.

17:15It's got chicken pox. Anyway, you can't do anything, can you? You can't, you can't.

17:20Hannah:You've just got to get on with it, really, haven't you? So this came from a friend. We're in lovely sunny Crete, having an absolute blissful time until my son decided to wait on the balcony. Lad. I thought I was being clever by pouring some water to wash it away, but instead it trickled straight over the edge onto the balconies below. Cue very confused holidaymakers looking up covered in water well I tried to disappear he's taking a sugar puff over the balcony onto people downstairs oh no what can I mean because boys doing bush wheeze you know they're just if they need to wee they are gonna wee they're gonna get out maybe just over the balcony on holiday does it say how old the kid was no was it dad I was gonna say husband and dad's too much.

18:06Hannah:The kids nearly two. The kids nearly two. Oh, well, you know what? She tried to wash it away with, with water. I guess it's just the fact that it kind of comes down to someone else. Can you imagine people having a nice romantic glass of wine on the balcony? You got yourself dressed up for the evening, had a nice shower, washed your hair, no dry shampoo in sight. Oh dear. Um, talking of, um, couples having a nice time, this one was sent to me personally, so I know it is but I will keep keep them anonymous I was having some private time with my husband when my daughter came walking in our bedroom and asked me why I was kissing daddy's

18:49Hannah:it's a rarity it's his birthday absolutely mortified and put on the spot I simply replied daddy has an ouch and mommy was kissing it better I pray so hard this story is never shared with her teacher or friends I've told some of my mates and they found it very funny so I thought I'd share it with you on your fantastic podcast I mean kids walking in mortified I wonder how old her daughter was at the time because it gets that age where they won't just go to bed you know when you're like just go to bed just go to bed I get like sometimes grit my teeth and my other go to bed have you ever been caught by your kids yeah have you yeah and I was like oh daddy's tickling me oh my god I couldn't think of anything stop it daddy stop tickling me but don't really um yeah yeah just just once um and he was like it was like what are you doing and literally that I was like oh daddy's just tickling me my mum caught me once.

19:46Oh no.

19:47Hannah:As a 20 year old. Really? Yeah it was really awkward and it's something that we've never discussed since. Have you not? And it was a very interesting position. What was it? Tell me everything. Come on we're on the sofa now. I've told you about my morning after pill. Come on. No one's listening let's go. I was in my mum's flat and when you walk in the front door you're kind of like straight in the kitchen and I was with my boyfriend at the time and she came in and I was on the kitchen counter oh god like fully naked on the kitchen counter yeah and she came in and my mom is very um she can be really very typically Britishly awkward so she came and it's very obvious what was happening like the first thing she saw was my legs over his shoulders his there and she literally just went what are you two doing and my boyfriend at the time I've never seen him run so fast all the way upstairs and I'm still there on the kitchen counter just like mum get out and and she was just like I've just just went to waitrose and I've got some of this lovely yogurt so she remained in the kitchen remained and you're you're both like everything's fine you know we're just going to ignore this and we've actually never spoken about it until now and what did the guy you were with say oh he dumped me did it like straight after that pretty much yeah it was like it we're done i was like that's fine with me i'm too much my 13 year old would be probably more mortified than i would be yeah i would be very mortified but having a teenager it's like a different ball game altogether we just we either wait until it's really late but then I just end up passing out or um he works from home so sometimes when they're all at school yeah well you're gonna have to schedule it in yeah scheduled sex and that's the thing it's like daytime sex has come back has it sometimes and then my mum walks in honestly that's a brilliant story I'm sure there's so many people listening that are like I've got a story they need to send these stories have you ever been caught have you ever been caught in a compromised position you know literally literally or like where where is the worst place right so we have another one okay on the topic of children mispronouncing words when my son was one he struggled to say the letter l in words cute until he learned the word clock more than once we walked past the local church and he pointed out at the clock on the bell tower shouting at the top of his voice they all do it and it's genuinely so funny every single time they do it isn't it it is it is imagine if adults couldn't pronounce still i know look at that oh gosh um my um my daughter she's um she can write and read and write you know still quite basic and the other day we were playing restaurants yeah and she wrote a menu and uh she wanted to write coke but it was yeah and she kind of like showed me the menu she's like mommy what do you want and on it said and I couldn't stop and then Jessie was like yeah she'll have one of those and I was like oh god here we go uh but yeah bless it was very sweet and she couldn't she was like couldn't understand why it was so funny and I was like I just don't really drink coke um and your husband's like that no she doesn't yeah she won't swallow that either oh dear me I love it though it's so innocent with kids and it's nice when you can have that moment where you and your partner can like laugh about it yeah and and you get it um but it's when the kids get older and they'll be like oh my god that's so cringe that you're laughing at that I know, I know.

23:48Hannah:Because we all did it with our parents. When my eldest actually, when he was younger, every now and then, when he got annoyed with something, he used to go, oh, bus sake. And me and my husband were like, what did he say? He's like, bus sake. And I guess he thought he was saying, f*** sake. Yeah. Then you realise, maybe we're saying that. We must be saying that because kids pick up everything. Yeah. And we thought it was really sweet that he was saying bus sake. and we still say it to him now um and now that he's 13 we're like oh for sake and now he's like mum that is like it's so cringe yeah I know I said it when I was younger but I don't say it anymore I know what it is now stop saying it and I'm like well we like it and he used to say group hugs he used to say boog hug so my husband and I still say let's have a boog hug and he's literally like don't talk to me it'll give him the ick yeah it does it gives him the major ick but I like it I just think back to some of the things that like Bradley used to say when he'd be like oh mummy there is glitter all over the floor and he was saying litter and we didn't correct there's certain words that we didn't correct the kids with until they got to that like because we just wanted to drag it out a little bit more because it was so cute yeah um not though or like clock or no we kind of corrected those but it is good yeah thank you again for all of your messages we really really love hearing from every one of you so please keep them coming it's so reassuring to know that we're all just figuring it out as we go along you're definitely not alone in the chaos that's right and please don't forget to subscribe to our youtube channel no parental guidance so you never miss an episode and if you enjoyed today's show a thumbs up would mean the world to us help more parents find the podcast and we also would really love a review we really appreciate them if you've got a minute please leave us one wherever you listen thanks very much bye goodbye

25:44Hannah:Spring just slid into your DMs. Grab that boho look for that rooftop dinner, those sandals that can keep up with you, and hang some string lights to give your patio a glow up. Spring's calling. Ross, work your magic.