#287: 5 Hard Truths for Avoidant Attachers

0:00Hey everybody, welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, I am going to be speaking to five hard truths for avoidant attachers. So folks with avoidant attachment, buckle up. I've got some hard truths for you. While most of my episodes do tend to center on anxious attachment patterns and the inner and outer experience of folks who struggle in that way. I know that I do have some avoidant listeners, although certainly fewer, but I'm often getting requests for more content on avoidant attachment, what that experience is like, how to heal. And I know that certainly even if you're not avoidant listening to this, that there are plenty of people in relationships with avoidant folks.

0:45So hopefully there's still lots to be gained from hearing some hard truths. And I should say at the outset that I'm offering this in the spirit of loving honesty, which is always the balance that I try to strike on this podcast, no matter what I'm talking about or who the message is directed to. I'm not someone who is anti-avoidant by any means. I've actually been accused many times online of being an avoidant apologist, whatever that means, but simply that we all play a part. we all contribute to the dysfunctional patterns that exist in our relationship. And it's only in getting honest with ourselves and our partners, if we are partnered, holding the mirror up, that we can get curious and ultimately shift towards something that might be more in line with what we really want for ourselves if we do desire partnership or just more peace within ourselves.

1:32Because I think that when we're really deep in our patterns, even if we can convince ourselves that we don't need relationships or whatever it might be, that it's not worth it, ultimately we can still feel that inner conflict and turmoil and shame and self-rejection underneath whatever the protective pattern is showing up as. So that is the spirit with which I'm going to be offering these five hard truths for avoidant attachers in today's episode. Before we get into that, a quick reminder for anyone who hasn't already that my book, The Secure Self, is available for pre-order. My book is primarily written for those of us who have more anxious attachment patterns, although I do think that the core of what I share in the book, which is really about how to build a healthy and secure relationship with yourself and using that as the basis to experience life and relationships from a much more sturdy footing, from a place of genuine self-worth.

2:27I think that's a message that most everyone who struggles in relationships and with themselves can really benefit from. So it's now available for pre-order. And if you do pre-order, you can head to my website and claim a bonus package that I've put together, which includes a three-part workshop series on the core wounds of anxious attachment. So there's a workshop on the abandonment wound. There will be one on the fear of rejection and one on the unworthiness wound. Those latter two will be released in November and December respectively, as well as three live Q &A calls with me. So you can get all of that for free when you pre-order the book.

3:04Just a quick note, because I've had a bunch of people reach out to me who may be misunderstood the mechanics of how it works. You need to order it from Amazon or wherever you order a book and then come back to my website. So stephanierigg.com book. And if you scroll to the bottom of that page, there's a form and you just need to upload your name and proof of purchase. And when you do that, that's the point at which you'll get access to the bonus resources. So that won't happen automatically when you buy from Amazon or wherever, because we don't have control or visibility over your Amazon purchases.

3:33So we can't make that happen automatically. You do need to come back to my website and submit the form to get access. And a huge thank you to the hundreds of people who have already done that in the past couple of weeks. It really makes such a difference and I'm deeply, deeply grateful. And I hope that more of you will do that over the coming months. Okay. So with that being said, let's get into today's episode, five hard truths for avoidant attaches. The first one is if you keep holding out for the perfect partner who will never trigger your doubts and fears and who you'll feel totally comfortable with, you are going to be waiting for a very, very, very long time.

4:07And this really speaks to the fact that a lot of avoidant folks, whether they realize it or not, do have a bit of a fantasy around the perfect partner. And sometimes that's an abstract hypothetical person. Other times it's someone from your past. You might have heard the term, the phantom ex, which is sometimes used in these discussions. But this idea that we can idealize someone and with them, I'd be happy. With them, I wouldn't have to deal with this stuff with them, I wouldn't have those fears and doubts. And of course, that fantasy is a really, really convenient way of avoiding the work of being in a relationship.

4:43And sometimes that perfectionism, and I've done an episode before about perfectionism in anxious avoidant dynamics that I'll try to dig out and link below. But there can be this sense that, you know, any discomfort or resistance that I'm feeling as the avoidant person is a function of the relationship not being right. And so I just need to find the right relationship with the right person so that I don't have to feel the way I'm feeling. And of course, that I think misses the reality, which is that particularly for folks with avoidant patterns, intimacy is the thing that is going to trigger that for you.

5:15And there's probably no such thing as risk-free intimacy, no matter how amazing and perfect the person is opposite you. And I think we can really see that very clearly in the fact that avoidant folks will often get the ick, so they'll be suddenly turned off by someone that they were really, really excited about and interested in and attracted to when things start to get a bit more serious and you'll feel inexplicably turned off by them, kind of disgusted, very critical, judgmental, disapproving, and it's the same person probably being largely the same as they were before. But the conditions surrounding the relationship have changed, the circumstances have changed, the risk profile has changed in a way that is causing your subconscious and your protective mechanisms to create distance and to come up with reasons why actually maybe this isn't a good idea and this person is not the right person for me.

6:08So that is not to say that you should discount how you're feeling about someone, but just as I give the advice to anxious folks all the time that if you blindly trust your feelings, they're going to lead you back into your patterns again and again. Sometimes we do want to question the absolute truth of our feelings before we just act on them, because oftentimes there is more to it than our feelings being the truth of the situation. And building our capacity to stay in the discomfort of relationships is really, really important to ultimately shifting our patterns. And that is especially true for folks with avoidant patterns, whose tendency is to pull back as soon as they encounter discomfort in their relationships and to avoid, which obviously isn't going to get you anywhere in the long run.

6:53Okay, the next hard truth is that judging your partner for wanting to be close to you is not kind and it's not helpful. Now, I know that you probably pride yourself on being self-sufficient and not needing anyone, being independent, and maybe if you're being honest, you even relate to their desire to be close to you and their desire for affection and their desire for intimacy as needy or pathetic or something that you kind of look down on. But just know that if you relate to that, and there's no shame in this, it's not something that you need to feel guilty about, but it is something to get curious about because I can all but guarantee that your judgment of your partner or someone that you've been with, an ex, for their desire for closeness and connection and emotional intimacy, all of those things that you instinctively pull back from or shy away from or even look down on, that is a projection of how you relate to those things within yourself.

7:55What you are judging in them is what you have disowned within yourself and disallowed within yourself. And so just as you judge it within you, you judge it within them and the inner narratives that play when they are being like that are probably very similar to your inner critic. Pull yourself together, just get over it. And maybe that voice isn't even yours. Maybe it's the voice of a parent or someone else who was formative in your own emotional life and upbringing that really shaped how you learned to respond when your own emotions came up. And just putting it away, putting it in a box, turning away from it, getting over it is probably how you've learned to cope.

8:36And that makes a lot of sense in the context of you. Again, not something to be ashamed of, but just know that as easy as it is to make this a them problem, it's a big part of your work as well. And this goes for anyone listening, really, anytime that we judge someone else for something, there's often a mirror there for us. It might not be as literal as I'm judging them for something that I judge myself for. Maybe it's something that I really envy in someone else, but judgment and disapproval of others always tells us something about ourselves and how we relate to ourselves and parts of ourselves that might be in play.

9:13So get a bit curious when that comes up. It's not something to just shut down. Again, that doesn't really help or lead anywhere. It doesn't offer any insight, but get curious when you notice yourself judging them for their so-called neediness or wanting to be close to you and what might be a more generous and kinder way to respond than what you instinctively might do, which is dismiss or brush off or ignore or pull away, which again is just going deeper into your patterns and not ultimately going to get you anywhere. Okay, next one. And it's sort of related. It's easy to see your partner's emotions as ruining everything and getting in the way and they're so emotional, but your emotions are part of this dance as well.

9:57They just present differently. So when your partner feels anxious, they express outwards and they move towards you and they want to talk and they want to tell you about it and they want to be reassured. And trust me, I understand that that can be a lot to be on the receiving end of, and it can feel really uncontained and it can feel overwhelming and it can feel like they're sort of dumping all of their anxiety onto you and wanting you to fix it. And I've got hundreds of podcast episodes directed at Anxious Attachers on why that's part of their pattern and how to ultimately take more responsibility for building a strong center and finding ways to not just blindly do that because that is also destructive to relationships.

10:41But just because that's what they do with their emotions and it's maybe more visible outwards doesn't mean they're the only one whose emotions are getting in the way of things. And really, when you avoid, when you pull back, when you experience doubt, that is driven by your own anxiety. It's just that an anxious person and an avoidant person do different things when anxiety comes up. The anxious person moves towards, the avoidant person moves away from and tries to avoid whatever the thing is that is causing them to feel anxiety and stress and shame and whatever else, inadequacy, overwhelm. So all of those things are feelings too, and they are driving your pattern.

11:21So the story that your partner is so emotional and you're so rational and logical. Again, I know that it can feel that way, but all of those emotions that you feel, frustration, irritability, annoyance, anxiety, shame, those are feelings as well. It's just that you tend to put them in a box and they tend to drive your avoidance. Whereas your partner's emotions come out in bigger and more expressive ways. And so it's easy to point the finger and say, you're so emotional, get a grip. You need to control your emotions. Again, that inner voice and that judgment is a reflection of what you have learned to do, which is just different, but not necessarily healthier.

12:00So again, it's one to just be mindful of that, like, yes, I might not be able to relate to the way that they are and the way that they respond under conditions of stress and pressure, but we're both actually responding in ways that aren't particularly constructive or conducive to healthy relationships. And just because theirs is more visible doesn't mean that yours isn't there and isn't contributing to the pattern and the dysfunctional dynamics that you keep swirling around in. Okay. Hard truth number four, you are not solely responsible for your partner's feelings and that is fair enough and that is reasonable, but also to deny any responsibility for your partner's feelings is not how relationships work.

12:38Okay. So this is another example of where folks with anxious patterns and folks with avoidant patterns can live at opposite extremes, neither of which are, again, particularly healthy or helpful. So anxious folks do have a tendency to sort of dump their feelings onto a partner and want reassurance, want salvation, want guarantees, want their partner to make it all better and fix it and rescue them from the intensity and the bigness of their emotions, which feel so all-consuming. And that is really making a partner responsible for your emotions in a way that's not fair or reasonable and that lacks self-responsibility and maturity.

13:15But equally, the avoidance stance of I'm responsible for me and you're responsible for you and I didn't make you feel anything and your feelings are not my problem, that is just not how relationships work. And folding your arms and distancing yourself from that and just saying, well, that's a you problem. I can't control how you react. That's not a reasonable position either. Again, you might think that you're being level-headed and rational and logical, but relationships aren't just two independent people coexisting and taking care of themselves. We impact each other deeply. And of course we do.

13:50And so part of being a kind, loving partner is being mindful of the ways that we impact this person that we're in a relationship with and being sensitive to that and apologizing if we cause unintended hurt, even if that wasn't our intention. So there's a line there that we need to find between I'm not solely responsible for your feelings and you need to take some ownership of that. But equally, of course, I impact you and I care about the fact that I impact you. And in light of that truth, I'm going to be mindful of the things that I do and how I speak and what I say and what you need and all of that.

14:27And that has to go in both directions in order for the relationship to feel safe and secure and steady. But just abrogating any responsibility and dusting your hands off of that and saying, well, that's a you problem. Your feelings are not my responsibility is not how healthy relationships work. And increasing your comfort with the fact that there is interdependence there, that you do need each other, that you affect each other, that you impact each other, that will be part of your healing work as someone with avoidant patterns. Okay, and last but not least, if you are always waiting for things to feel comfortable and spontaneous, you're going to miss a lot of opportunities for connection and growth in your relationships.

15:08So a lot of avoidant folks have this block around, I don't want to feel forced. And that makes sense when we look at the context and the background to avoidant attachment and maybe feeling suffocated, maybe feeling emotionally intruded upon and keeping a safe distance between that and anyone who you perceive might be trying to control you. or make you do something that you don't want to do. And there can be quite a strong defensive guard up there. But for example, something around like being affectionate or expressing love. I can't tell you how many times I've heard from anxious folks who I support.

15:43My partner just says they don't feel love, so they can't say it, even though we've been together for six years. Or they just insist that they're not affectionate. And that's why they never want to give me a hug. Of course, healthy boundaries, all of that. But also, if you refuse to budge from what is absolutely comfortable for you, and you refuse to compromise, and you are not willing to be flexible in any way, and you just dig your heels in and say, well, this is what I'm comfortable with. And I'm not willing to look beyond the four walls of my comfort zone as it stands. I mean, that is your prerogative, but it's going to affect your relationships negatively.

16:24And again, healthy relationships require compromise. And they do ask us to consider the other person's preferences alongside our own and figure out, well, okay, where can I give a little, even if it's not something that comes naturally. And of course, it goes without saying that if we're trying to shift our patterns towards something healthier, something healthier is not going to feel natural at first. So we are going to have to experience the discomfort and the friction of doing something that doesn't come spontaneously, that doesn't feel easeful, that doesn't feel really comfortable to us at first and allowing our system to experience that, hopefully to have a positive experience around it and then to go, okay, that wasn't so bad.

17:06Maybe I could do some more of that and the world wouldn't end and I wouldn't be in grave danger and all of the fear stories that might be really deeply encoded into your system. So while of course it's important to honour what doesn't feel safe for you, I think part of the work is softening some of that rigidity and some of that guardedness and not being so defiant about my way or the highway and this is all you're going to get and that's just the way I am. Because again, that's going to block you from experiencing a satisfying relationship and I think it can be a pretty convenient defence mechanism that keeps people at bay because maybe a part of you knows that that's not really reasonable and that you're sort of saying to someone, take me exactly as I am or leave me alone, even at the same time as some of your patterns are not working, not healthy and not really conducive to being in an actual relationship with someone.

18:00So I'm going to leave it there. I hope that that was helpful, whether you are listening as someone with avoidant patterns who sees yourself in some of what I've shared or whether you are currently or have been in the past partnered with someone with avoidant patterns. I trust that there's little nuggets of insight and understanding and reflection and maybe accountability for you to step towards in what I've shared today. And as always, delivered with love. Thank you so much for joining me. Look forward to seeing you again next time.