#289: How to Get Out of a Relationship Rut

0:27I can live a sweet harmony. Good news for anyone who's bad at waiting. Black Friday deals at Lowe's are already on. Get up to three free select DeWalt, Craftsman, or Cobalt power tools with the purchase of a select battery kit. Three for free? You better believe it. Plus, select ladders are up to 50 % off. So go ahead, get in there early. Shop Black Friday deals in-store or online now at Lowe's. Valid through 1118, while supplies last. Free tools vary based on battery kit purchase and location. Hey everybody, welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode we are talking about how to get out of a relationship rut and I'm going to be sharing five tips that you can put into practice straight away if you find yourself in a season of disconnection and friction and tension in your long-term relationship and you're feeling like you just don't know how to shift it.

1:23It's feeling really sticky and maybe despite your best efforts, none of the things that you're trying as far as getting through to your partner or talking about the issue or, you know, explaining what feels like it's missing. None of that's really moving the needle and you're feeling a bit disheartened and exasperated and maybe even unsure about where to go from here. So of course, this is a very, very common situation in long-term relationships. I think most long-term relationships probably go through seasons of disconnection. And frankly, even And acknowledging that and zooming out and taking in the big picture, I think, can sometimes help us to feel a little less existential about it when we're in the trenches of that.

2:05Because particularly if you struggle with anxious attachment patterns, it's really easy to zoom in. And anxiety does love to zoom us in and convince us that things will always be this bad or worse rather than maybe looking at the fact that we're in the trough of the cycle and that things will and often do improve. but nevertheless even if things would improve on their own I'm going to give you some more concrete things that you can do to sort of take matters into your own hands to reclaim a sense of agency and momentum which I think is really really important when we are in a bit of a funk and we feel like we've tried everything and nothing's working feeling like there are things that we can do that are within our control so we don't even necessarily need the other person's cooperation I think that's hugely helpful in getting us unstuck and shifting the energy both within ourselves and in the broader relational environment.

2:55So that's what we're going to be talking about today. Before we get into that, a quick reminder that my book, The Secure Self, is now available for pre-order. I'm so grateful to the hundreds of you who've already purchased the book and claimed the bonus package. For anyone who hasn't heard me share or needs a refresher, when you pre-order the book, you can submit a form on my website to get access to a bonus package which includes three workshops on the core wounds of anxious attachment so the fear of abandonment or the abandonment wound is the first workshop the fear of rejection is the second workshop and that's just been released so you'll get instant access to those two and then in december there'll be a third workshop released on the unworthiness wound and in addition to the workshops you also get to come along to some live Q &As with me so you can ask questions and get advice on whatever it is that you might be working through or pick my brains.

3:48So you get all of that for free when you pre-order the book and I'll put the link in the show notes with all of the details and instructions on how to claim that bonus package. And again, a huge thanks to anyone who has done that. The second quick announcement is just to let you know that I, along with every other person on the internet, am running a Black Friday sale. It's just going to be for the Black Friday through Cyber Monday weekend and it is the biggest sale that I run each year. I'm offering two bundles of my best selling courses. So my Healing Anxious Attachment course is in both bundles and then you can either if you're in a relationship get the relationship bundle which includes my Secure Together Couples course or if you're going through a breakup my Higher Love breakup course.

4:31So each bundle includes two courses that's sort of tailored to what your relationship status is and what you're wanting to focus on and those bundles are at over 65 % off the regular price. So without wanting to bombard you with more sales stuff at a time that is already very noisy, I will simply say that if you are maybe newer to my work or you've been around for a while and have thought about investing in one of my programs and you've maybe been eyeing something, now is definitely a good time to check that out and maybe consider snapping up one of those bundles at a very heavily reduced price.

5:09So keep an eye out. If you're already on my email list, I'll send out an email when the sale goes live. If you're not and would like to be, I'll put a link in the show notes so that you can check out the sale when it goes live for Black Friday. Okay, so let's talk about what to do when you're in a relationship rut. Now, I do just want to emphasize before I get into these five tips, what I'm talking about and what I'm not talking about when I say a relationship rut. So as I alluded to in the introduction, what I'm really describing here is that situation in generally a long-term relationship where we feel like we're in an extended period of disconnection, maybe arguing more, maybe a bit of a power struggle.

5:49Maybe there's built up resentment, frustration, tension that's never really getting resolved either because we're fighting really ineffectively and we're just having conflict that doesn't get resolved and repaired, or we've given up on fighting altogether and we're just coexisting while there's this mounting pile of stuff that sits unaddressed in the corner of the room, so to speak, and we're in a bit of a cold war. And both of those scenarios or any variation of them, it's obviously really painful and really hard, particularly if you really want the relationship to work and you have some fear and anxiety around what it might mean if you're unable to climb this mountain and get to the other side.

6:35What is it going to mean if this is our new normal? And I think, as I said, anxiety will often convince us that things will only be this bad or worse. And so that feels really scary. Anxiety is not very optimistic by nature, so it isn't going to tell you things are going to get better? It's like, oh my gosh, it's always going to be this hard or maybe even harder. And so of course, at the same time as we're feeling sad or lonely or disconnected, we're also often carrying a lot of fear and stress. And then if you overlay onto that, not knowing what to do about it or feeling like everything we've tried is backfiring or making it worse, that's a really, really tricky place to be hanging out.

7:12So I just want to acknowledge and validate that if you're that in any form, it makes a lot of sense. And the advice that I'm going to give in today's episode is less focused on how to fix that head on in terms of how to get through to your partner or convince them to do the work or anything in that vein. Not because that's the wrong approach, but because I find a lot of people who are in this position have already tried all of that without much success. And while there are certainly more effective ways of communicating with someone, and I obviously have lots of episodes that you can go and dig through that talk about conflicted communication and having hard conversations.

7:53Sometimes our laser focus on fixing the relationship and talking about everything that's wrong and not working, that can actually just weigh the relationship down even more and leave us feeling more disconnected and hopeless at a time when we really need to shift gears and find a way to restore a sense of connection and optimism and even lightness to counterbalance some of the hard stuff that we're wading through. Of course, that's not to suggest that we want to just turn a blind eye or sweep things under the rug or pretend that everything's fine when it isn't. That for me at least, and I'm sure for many people listening, feels really intolerable when And there's stuff that does feel like it needs attention.

8:37Pretending to be fine can really dial up our anxiety significantly because it feels like the house is on fire and we're just going about business as usual and pretending that it isn't. But equally, I think to continue that example, sometimes our anxiety will lead us to behave in ways that are tantamount to pouring fuel on the fire rather than actually putting out the fire. So the tips in today's episode are really focused on things that you can do. and my emphasis is there because I think that's a perfect antidote to the sense of powerlessness and overwhelm that we can feel when we've been trying everything and it isn't working and we really are in that relationship rut territory.

9:17Only trying tactics that require the cooperation and willingness of our partner can just lead to more of the same. Okay so the first tip that I have for you in getting out of a relationship rut is actually just to look at and focus on how you're feeling within and about yourself. So oftentimes when our relationship is feeling hard and heavy, we can drop a lot of the things that would support us to feel our best. Or maybe those things are just happening in tandem anyway, because life is feeling a bit heavy. But when we're feeling poorly about ourselves, whether that's mind, body, spirit, whether it's emotionally, physically, when we're not really tending to and taking care of ourselves and prioritizing our well-being and our vitality, it's really easy for that energy of negativity to seep into the relationship.

10:04And I think what often happens is we either project out how we're feeling about ourselves and assume our partner is feeling that way about us. So if we're feeling really negatively and feeling very judgmental of ourselves, feeling like we're really lacking in confidence, then we can assume that whatever disconnection is happening in our relationship is because our partner sees us through those same eyes. And that can make everything feel very personal. That can really feed the rejection and unworthiness and abandonment fears that we already carry and can make us much more sensitive and feel like all of the little things suddenly feel very big because it feels like it's all a function of us and our worth and value.

10:45And again, when we are operating from a starting point of not seeing our value and worth and not really feeling comfortable within ourselves, it's really easy to project that out. I think the other version, which kind of goes the other way, is that when we're just feeling like everything's hard and we're overwhelmed and we're feeling like shit within ourselves and about ourselves, we can then point the finger and blame our partner and they just become the villain and the cause of all bad things and all of our resentment and frustration just becomes directed at them, even if there are other causes of that, being that we're just generally feeling like we're in a bit of a life rut.

11:21We're feeling stuck. We're feeling unfulfilled. We're feeling unsatisfied. None of our needs are being met, even if some of those needs are balls that are in our court that we've dropped and we're not really paying attention to. So either way, I think it really pays. And frankly, it's always good advice to really prioritize your wellbeing and your vitality and do that irrespective of whatever is happening in your relationship. And again, that's not to sugarcoat things or to sweep everything under the rug or to pretend that everything's fine. It's actually just to go, I'm going to resource myself and take great care of myself because I'm worthy of feeling good and that's important to me and trusting that all of the other parts of my life will only benefit from me taking great care of myself.

12:03So rather than using your relationship feeling hard or being in a rut as an excuse for not taking care of yourself, use that as a reason that you must absolutely prioritize taking care of yourself because it just takes out some of the variables, right? It allows you to see more clearly and take more ownership and responsibility rather than feeling like everything's hazy and fuzzy and there's lots of white noise and just everything's feeling hard, which then makes it trickier to isolate what's actually going on here and to be able to address what the underlying issue really is. So the more that we can be solving single variable equations rather than multi-variable equations, I think that will always help.

12:43Okay. The next tip is to look at the broader environment and context that surrounds your relationship and just look at what you're up against. So this is particularly true if maybe you have kids or it's been a stressful time at work or there's financial stress, like life might be throwing you curveballs and it's really easy, particularly if there isn't a strong foundation of trust and togetherness and commitment and a sense of joining together as a team when things get hard. It's really easy to default to when things get hard, we turn on each other and we become islands and we blame each other and all of those stories of resentment set in.

13:22And we have a bit of a blind spot around the fact that actually it's just a really stressful time. So it makes sense that we're struggling and it doesn't actually have to mean anything about our relationship or the other person. It's feeling hard because it is hard at the moment. And I think this is something that people oftentimes miss, whether it's a relational piece or just within themselves. it's so easy to not see the problem as being untenable circumstances or overwhelming circumstances and I feel like I give this feedback all the time to people when they describe to me what's going on and all of the layers of maybe it's moving house or having young kids or just being laid off from a job and having sick parents and all of that stuff that's just really real and really heavy and really hard and then feeling like I don't know why we're fighting so much or I don't know why we're feeling so disconnected.

14:17Sometimes there's just too much weight being placed on a relationship and you know sometimes those circumstances are outside of your control and the best you can do is acknowledge it and really band together and go this is feeling so hard look at what we're up against like how can we try and love each other through this or support each other through this and not turn on each other and really trying to see it as like us against the world, us against the problem. But other times, if there are circumstances that have a bit more flexibility, so it's more a problem of your own creation, maybe you're taking on too much, sometimes things have to shift.

14:53And rather than trying to internalize it and go, oh, there's something wrong with me or there's something wrong with us, you might just zoom out and go, well, maybe there's something wrong with the situation. Maybe what we're trying to carry, maybe what we're up against is actually just creating too much stress and tension and it's not healthy and it's not working for us. So are there factors there that need to shift so that we could lighten the load and actually just have a bit of breathing room to relax, to enjoy each other, to not be so burdened by all of these things. So really just zooming out and taking a look at all of the circumstances that surround the relationship and acknowledging the bigness of that to the extent that that feels like it's part of it and that stress is weighing on the relationship that is maybe not about the relationship and finding ways to either support each other more effectively through that, acknowledging it as a thing that you're going through together rather than a thing that is wedging itself between you or is someone's fault or actually seeing if there's anything that can be shifted there.

15:54Okay, so the third tip which is sort of coming off the back of the second tip around looking at what else is going on, is to put down all the heavy stuff and try and breathe some life back into the relationship. So as I alluded to in the introduction, I think we can have this attitude of there's all of this stuff that's not working. There's all of these unmet needs. There's all of these fights we keep having and we need to just tackle all of that head on and we need to talk about it. We need to go to therapy. And we need to address all of that before anything else can happen. And again, I really, really understand where that comes from.

16:29I relate to it. But I think sometimes what that does is overwhelm a relationship and can lead us to feel like it's only ever heavy and it's only ever hard. And we're only ever talking about what's wrong. And particularly if we don't have enough in the tank, we don't have enough goodwill built up. We don't have enough warmth and optimism about the relationship and towards each other in a particular season or more broadly, to feel like that's a tunnel that's going to have a light at the end of it, it can actually just feel impossibly hard. And particularly if you're more anxious and you have a more avoidant partner, they have a much lower upper limit in terms of what they can take in that respect.

17:08The anxious partner will just keep pushing and working on it and trying to fix it, even when things are feeling so disconnected for such a long time and they're feeling really unsatisfied in the relationship. Usually that's not a deal breaker for someone with anxious attachment patterns. It's just something that we need to fix. Whereas someone with avoidant patterns is more likely to be of the view that like, if you're only ever feeling like it's not working, then what are we really doing here? And I think as always, the healthy middle ground is probably somewhere in between. Like, yes, we don't want to ignore the problems.

17:40We don't want to pretend they're not there, but equally a relationship shouldn't only be hard stuff. And we do need to orient back towards the good and the lightness and the fun and the connection to counterbalance some of that bigger stuff. And a little disclaimer here, again, I'm talking about a relationship rut, season of disconnection. I'm not talking about major betrayals or breaches of trust or anything big that obviously does need to be directly addressed. So just to be very clear about what we are and aren't talking about here. But as far as what does it look like to lighten the load, to breathe some life in.

18:13It might just be organizing a date night. It might be taking a trip together. It might just be doing something on a weekend that you wouldn't usually do or that you used to do when you first got together and then you sort of dropped those balls because life got in the way. If you have kids, it might be getting a babysitter or finding some time to reconnect that isn't just functional and logistical and running around and feeling like you're constantly in life admin mode, creating the space and oxygenating the relationship enough to actually enjoy each other. And I think bonus points, if you can do that out in the world, because it can be very reinvigorating to a relationship to see your partner as a person out in the world, rather than just like the person in the living room or the person who left their mug by the sink or left their towel on the floor or whatever, as the object of your frustration and resentment, getting into a new environment and being able to enjoy each other away from all of that day-to-day stuff.

19:13I think that that can be really beneficial and can actually just remind you of why you love each other and why you chose each other and why this is a person that you have been in a relationship with and have committed to in whatever capacity, because we can lose sight of that when we're feeling really bogged down in the heavy. So whatever that looks like, be creative, but find ways to breathe some life in, some novelty, some play, some lightness, some fun, you know, being out in the world, putting effort into getting dressed up, whatever it looks like. But I think that that can be a really nice counterbalance and reminder of like what we're really here for and why we love each other and why it's worth it to work on the hard stuff, because look at all of this good that sits underneath it.

20:00Okay. The next tip is get clear on what kind of relationship environment you want to live in and start embodying those traits. So leading by example. Now, this is something that I talk about in my book and I include an exercise where you can sort of start to flesh this out for yourself and also figure out what gets in the way. But just to give you a bit of a cliff notes version, so often when we're feeling stuck in our relationship, we get into this tit for tat point scoring mindset of why should I be the one who has to insert whatever here? Why should I be the one who has to yield to their sensitivities?

20:36Or why should I be the one who works on cleaning up my communication when they're not putting in any effort? Or why should I be the one to try and meet their needs or give them compliments or be more affectionate or be more positive and express gratitude when they're not doing any of those things? That's so unfair, right? And it just becomes another place for us to put our resentment. and again I get it I that's a place that I can go myself so I really do understand but here's the thing if we want our relationships to be characterized by warmth and love and appreciation and care and consideration and whatever else right choose your own adventure in terms of what really matters to you and what you want your relationship to feel like withholding those qualities because it's unfair and you shouldn't have to is just the most self-defeating thing you could possibly do, right?

21:30Saying I'm not going to be loving because you're not being loving is really just like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies, right? You'll never get what you want from doing that. And equally, I don't think you will ever come up short or lose by embodying the sorts of qualities and values that are really important to you because it just feels better, right? To lead with warmth and open-heartedness and grace and gratitude and whatever else. It is a much nicer way to move through life than huffing and puffing with your arms folded and this attitude of why should I have to be the one too.

22:06So get really clear for yourself on what kind of relationship do I want to be in? What kind of environment do I want that to be? What do I want my relationship to feel like? Who do I want to be as a partner and in this relationship? And can I start embodying those traits irrespective of what my partner is doing. And again, this is not about overgiving or having no boundaries or whatever. It's actually just like, where do I want to live from? And what does it look like for me to be open-hearted and in integrity in how I show up and conduct myself? And for that to not be something that's transactional or something that I only give and then take away based on what they're doing, because I think that that kind of misses the point.

22:45And again, it's very self-defeating. Okay. And last but not least, again, this is sort of related to the previous point, but orient heavily towards gratitude and appreciation wherever you can. Now I know that this can feel very challenging if you have a very long shopping list of all of the things that your partner is doing wrong or the unmet needs or the frustrations or the resentments. You probably haven't been collecting a list of things that you are grateful for and appreciative of and all the reasons you love your partner but that is all the more reason to consciously orient towards that and express gratitude and appreciation and warmth wherever you can.

23:23And again, I would really encourage you to just put down the, well, they're not going to do it, so why should I have to? Because that's not going to lead to more warmth and gratitude and love and appreciation and connection. So if that is what you want, you're actually going to have to be humble and be willing to actually lead by example. And really just to remind yourself that people are motivated in environments where they feel valued and like their contributions are acknowledged. It is not motivating to anyone in any context to feel constantly criticised and have a spotlight and a magnifying glass on everything that you're doing wrong and every mistake you make and every place that you're falling short, just as that is very uninspiring in a work context.

24:09If that was your working environment and your boss and your colleagues were only ever magnifying your flaws and your shortcomings, you would not feel inspired to do your best in that workplace. You'd feel anxious and stressed and you probably just would dread going to work every day. And a lot of us don't realize that that's what our relationship environments have become. So again, it's not about ignoring the stuff that needs work, but it's letting that exist alongside a baseline of love and warmth and gratitude and appreciation and recognizing that that is worth the effort to create that kind of open channel in your relationship and that that will only yield more of what you want.

24:47If you're expressing sincere gratitude for what someone does or the ways that they do show up, you're much more likely to get more of that from them because that feels worthwhile and rewarding. And I think we all appreciate being seen for what we do and feeling valued for that rather than feeling invisible in our efforts and having all of our imperfections held over us and constantly use as a basis to tell us what we're not doing right. Okay, so that was five tips to help you get out of a relationship rut. And as is always the case at the moment, this pregnant lady is very out of breath. So I'm going to leave it there.

25:23Thank you so much for joining me. I really hope that this is helpful. I hope that you feel energized by the fact that there are things that you can do irrespective of what your partner is doing or not doing to start to shift the energy a bit in your relationship and trust that even if your partner doesn't respond in kind, if they don't mirror your efforts or change anything that they're doing, you really can't lose by doing any of these things. You can't lose by focusing on your wellbeing, embodying those sorts of loving traits and qualities that really represent who and how you want to be in relationships.

25:59I see there being virtually zero downside to doing any of that. So I do hope that that's been helpful and I'm sending lots of love to everyone listening, but particularly anyone who's in that situation because I do know how hard it is and how big it can feel to be stuck in that place. But hopefully today's episode has at least given you a starting point. Okay, sending you lots of love, guys. Thank you so much for joining me and I'll see you again soon.

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