#286: How to Deal With Lingering Thoughts About an Ex (Ask Steph)

0:00From athletic stuff like a full-court pickup game, swish, to athletic-ish stuff like a half-mile stroll, get those steps in. Head to Sierra or Sierra.com for the brands you want at the prices that let you do it all. From athletic to athletic-ish, Sierra's got it. For decades, a shadowy organization called the Lemonati has kept lemon on top and lime in the shadows. Look around, lemon-forward sodas, even lemon-forward songs. We ran the tracks, slowed them down, reversed them, and squeezed out the truth. That's lemon propaganda right there. But now, 7up is fighting back with their new lime lemon soda.

0:42Join the 7up Rising. Flip the sip. Hey everybody, welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, which is an Ask Steph episode, I am answering a listener question all about what to do when you still have these lingering thoughts of your ex long after the relationship has ended and you're wanting to get away from those thoughts or wondering what you can do and what it means and all of that, which I know is an experience that a lot of people come up against and that will be familiar to many. So I'll be sharing some thoughts on that. And I think that the advice that I'm going to share will be applicable to anyone in that situation where you can't stop thinking about your ex, but will be equally applicable if there's some other person that you can't stop thinking about, or even just like a thought loop that you're stuck in more broadly, or even a feeling that you're trying to get away from or trying to stop yourself from having.

1:34I think what I'll share today in response to this specific question and set of circumstances has broader application for a lot of people who struggle with anxiety in all its forms. Before we get into today's episode, two quick reminders, the first being about my book, The Secure Self, which is coming out on the 2nd of February, but is now available for pre-order. If you know that you are someone who might consider buying the book when it comes out, I'd be so grateful if you'd consider pre-ordering it now. It's really impactful for a book's overall success. If it gets a lot of traction in the pre-order phase, it tends to mean that you get better distribution.

2:09It'll be stocked in more places. It just creates a bit more momentum around a book and sends a strong signal that it's a book that people are interested in and care about. So if you would consider pre-ordering it, I'd be hugely grateful. Doing so is as simple as just going to Amazon or wherever else you get your books and purchasing it in the same way you would any other book. You'll just see it listed there with the only difference being that it will be delivered on and from the 2nd of February next year. And if you do pre-order as a way to say thank you, I've put together a really great bonus package on my website.

2:40So if you head to stephanierig.com book. You can upload your proof of purchase and get access to a workshop series on the core wounds of anxious attachment. Three workshops. The first is available straight away, and then the next two will be released in November and December, as well as three live Q &As with me. So all of that for the cost of a book, and you actually get the book as well. So a good deal, hopefully, and a way to say thank you for getting behind the book in this pre-order period. Second quick announcement is more just in keeping with the topic of today's episode being around breakups and processing and thoughts about an ex and all of those things.

3:14If you are in the thick of a breakup and you're working through all of that, I do have a free breakup training, which you can register for on my website. It goes into a lot more depth than I can in today's episode on all of the things that we'll touch on. And I think if you're swirling around in the confusion and the uncertainty and the obsessiveness and the rumination after a breakup, But having a voice of reason that you can lean on and be guided by, I think can be really helpful to kind of snap you out of all of that noise that's so easy to get sucked into. So that one is totally free. And I'll pop the link in the show notes for anyone who's going through a breakup and might want to come along to that.

3:52Okay, so without further ado, I'm going to read out this question that was sent in via email about lingering thoughts about an ex and what to do with those. Hi, Steph. I am one year out of a five-year relationship. it. We've had no contact, which is fine. My question is that this person still takes up some real estate in my brain. I understand that neural pathways were developed that caused me to still have these daily thoughts. It's not all consuming or obsessive. He will just pop up in my thoughts multiple times a day. I'm not dating, but I'm very active socially. At any rate, do you have any advice to help minimize these brief mental interruptions or is it just a matter of time?

4:31So thank you for the question. As I said in the introduction, I think it's in different forms. It's one that a lot of people will relate to, both the specifics, because I think people will often find themselves in a version of this situation, but also the broader thing around like, how can I stop having these disruptive thoughts or intrusive thoughts or obsessive thoughts, even though you said that it's not obsessive or consuming, but the sense of not having control over my thoughts. And what can I do to get away from certain thoughts or to minimize certain thoughts because they feel like they're knocking me off center or they're distracting me or they're stirring up certain emotions in me that I'd rather not be confronted with multiple times a day.

5:16or that I'm making meaning out of these mental interruptions. And it's leading me to wonder whether I still have feelings for this person or whether I'm ready to date again or all of these other sort of tendrils or branches off the tree that can come from this repeated experience. So my starting point is always, and I do have students asking in my programs, questions around this a lot. And the crux of my advice is always that trying to control your thoughts is probably a waste of time and energy. and the more that we try and resist a thought, we're actually pouring fuel on the fire. We're giving more energy to the thing that we don't want and in so doing, we're making it bigger.

5:56And when we create this whole meaningful story out of the fact that we can't get rid of the thoughts, then the not wanting is actually just another version of focusing on and giving attention to and maximizing even at the same time as our intention is to try and minimize. I think this is why so many spiritual traditions and meditation practices will really train you into just noticing a thought and letting it come and go. And this principle of not being attached to, because I think our mind is so quick to latch onto something and then go into all of this busy work and rumination and meaning making that actually makes something much bigger than it needs to be and attributes much more significance to the fact that it's there.

6:42then maybe we needed to. And I think when we look at the big picture and we look at it logically, we have thousands and thousands of thoughts in a day and some of them are really random and bizarre and come out of nowhere and don't make any sense. There's a lot of noise and stimulus and processing and all of that that our brain is running through on a daily basis. But I think sometimes it's the story that we have around whether we should be having that thought and making ourselves wrong for it. And I think in the context of a breakup in particular, this sense of, I should be over it. I shouldn't be thinking about them.

7:18I shouldn't still be wondering how they're doing or what they're up to. The shoulds and shouldn'ts actually just take so much from us. And it's kind of the opposite of the self-compassion that we really need. It's judgment and resistance. And so I guess the invitation is, what would it be like to just fully allow the thoughts to come and go as they will and not make it a problem at all. Just see it for what it is and go, oh yeah, look, there's a thought about my ex again for the fifth time today. Isn't that interesting? And treat it almost as neutrally as you'd treat all of the other thoughts that come and go about all that email I'm meant to send or that bill I'm meant to pay.

7:57Oh, and there's my ex. To your point, you mentioned the question, like there is a lot of muscle memory around that. And it's been this significant relationship that you were in for five years and there's so much embedded in that and that's okay. It's okay to still have thoughts about your ex. I don't think that that is a problem that you need to solve. It is absolutely okay and fine and normal to still periodically have thoughts of your ex. I don't think that that has to mean anything and I don't think it's something that you have to try and make stop. And I don't even think it's necessarily something that after two years then that won't happen anymore.

8:34I don't think it's quite that linear. I will still have random thoughts about X's of mine from 10 years ago or more. Like it's not something that I attribute any sort of meaning or significance to because I think it's just your brain doing what it will do. And again, I think the more that we can just let that be rather than resisting it or making meaning out of it, the less likely we are to feel kind of disturbed or worried or bothered by it because we don't really need to act on it or do anything with it. And I should add a really important caveat here. And I did an episode a few months ago on how to stop obsessing about someone.

9:09It doesn't sound like this is your situation, the person who asked the question, but it may well apply to others listening. I think the key difference when I say you can't control your thoughts, so there's no point really trying to, you can control your actions. And I think a lot of people, particularly with anxious attachment patterns, have a thought, have a feeling, and then feel compelled to act. And there can be this sense of, well, the thought is so all-consuming or the feeling is so powerful that I have to do something. Surely I have to act on this. And so the thought comes and then you pick up your phone and you go and look at their social media, or the thought comes and you go and look back on old photos of you together or read over text messages or do any number of other things that keep you tethered and keep you in a loop in a way that doesn't feel helpful.

10:00And I think that's the part that you absolutely can control and that you do have agency over in a much more direct way than you ever will have control over your thoughts. So if it's just a periodic intrusion into your thoughts as you're going about your day and it doesn't feel all consuming, I don't think you have a problem that you need to solve. I think you can just decide to relate to that as totally normal, par for the course, just your brain doing its thing and not requiring anything from you in terms of problem solving or tools or strategies to try and make that stop. And if anything, I think doing that can actually make it more of a thing than it needs to be.

10:36But certainly having clear lines for yourself. And again, I don't think the person asking the question is in this situation, but for anyone else it's the conduct it's the choices it's the what do I do with the thoughts that we actually get to exercise some self-responsibility and agency around and that's where we get to actually choose not to just follow an impulse that might be keeping us in a pattern or keeping us really emotionally invested and attached to someone in ways that aren't healthy or helpful for us and you know the the final piece just being heaps of self-compassion and not in a kind of mushy way, but in a just allowing ourselves to be human and have a human experience and actually starting from the assumption that what we're experiencing is probably really normal and fine rather than assuming there's something wrong with us or that we're abnormal in some way.

11:27And even just acknowledging for yourself, like, yeah, of course, it makes so much sense. I was with this person for five years. Our relationship ended. I haven't had contact with them in a year, that in and of itself is big and weird and hard for my system, my nervous system, my attachment system, for all of me to make peace with and accept and let go of. That's not a one and done thing. That's something that is a process and happens over time and is a lot and has many layers to it. So just giving yourself lots of grace around that and lots of permission to be where you are without needing to try and change it or get somewhere else in a hurry, I think is always a really wise and loving thing that you can do as well.

12:10And again, I think the more that we can give ourselves permission and not be in resistance to whatever it is we're experiencing, the whole system tends to soften and it's just like a sigh of relief. I'm like, oh, actually it's okay. I'm okay. I can be where I'm at and I can make good choices and maybe that's enough. And I think it absolutely is enough. So I hope that that is helpful advice, both for the person who asked the question and anyone else listening who relates to any of those little tidbits. If you'd like to submit a question for a future episode, you can send in a voice note, which I'll link in the show note, or you can also send something in via email to support at stephanierick.com.

12:45Okay. Sending you lots of love guys. And I look forward to seeing you. Coca-Cola for the big, for the small, the short and the tall. Peacemakers. risk takers for the optimists pessimists for long distance love for introverts and extroverts the thinkers and the doers for old friends and new coca-cola for everyone pick up some coca-cola at a store near you finding a doctor is hard enough finding the right doctor even harder someone who takes your insurance has an available appointment when you need one and feels like someone you can actually open up to that's where ZocDoc comes in download the ZocDoc app to search and compare doctors by specialty insurance and availability read real patient reviews find the right fit for you and book instantly because getting seen by the right doctor matters ZocDoc ready to be seen?

13:46download the ZocDoc app today again next time