#288: The Difference Between Healthy Needs and Anxious Demands

0:19Hey everybody, welcome back to another episode of On Attach. In today's episode, we are talking about the difference between healthy relationship needs and anxious demands. And I know that this is one that a lot of people grapple with and experience a lot of self-doubt around. Questioning, second-guessing, asking, am I being too much? Am I being unreasonable? Am I being too sensitive? Is this quote-unquote just my anxiety? All of that can really fog up the lens and make it feel very confusing and fraught, this whole terrain of navigating needs and communicating needs and standing up for ourselves.

0:58But then depending on what the other person says, how they respond, that can feel like it's determinant of how we then feel about our own needs. And so it can feel like really tricky terrain to navigate for folks with anxious attachment patterns. And I'm going to be sharing some thoughts in today's episode on how you can reframe that and feel a little more grounded and clear in your needs, a little more self-assured, a little less wobbly, so that you can advocate for yourself and for your needs and your boundaries from a centered place rather than a really insecure one. Because I think that can often happen is we can locate a need and we can land on it and we can figure out how we're going to say it and we express it.

1:41And then if we don't get the response we were hoping for, we quickly unravel and backpedal and backslide into all of our anxious patterns of protest and sulking and all of the things. So that's what we're going to be talking about in today's episode. And I'm actually going to read you a little excerpt from the self-advocacy chapter of my forthcoming book, The Secure Self, which if you haven't heard me share, I mean, it would be something of a miracle if you hadn't heard me share by this point, if you're a regular listener. But my book, The Secure Self, is available for pre-order. Huge thank you to everyone who has already pre-ordered and a humble request for anyone who is yet to that you please go and pre-order the book.

2:15It is a huge, huge help to me. I know it might seem like a small thing. What's the difference between ordering it now and ordering it when it comes out? But pre-orders are actually hugely impactful for a book's overall success. And having a lot of interest and momentum in the pre-order period is hugely supportive of me and my work and the book being in more places and getting translated into different languages and being in lots of different bookstores and all of the things. So please do consider pre-ordering the book. You can just go onto Amazon or wherever you buy books, The Secure Self by Stephanie Rigg and order it there as you would any other.

2:52And if you do that, be sure to then head to stephanierigg.com book. I'll link all of this in the show notes and scroll to the bottom of that page and submit the form there and you will get access to a bonus package of extra resources that I've put together for anyone who does show their support by pre-ordering the book. Okay, so let's talk about needs and the difference between healthy, reasonable needs and anxious demands that are coming from a place of insecurity. So as promised, I'm going to read you a little excerpt from the chapter of my book on self-advocacy. So expressing needs and boundaries where I share about my own experience in a previous relationship.

3:29I won't give you the whole backstory here, just in the interest of brevity, you'll have to buy and read the book for that, but I'm going to read out a little excerpt that will frame the discussion that we're going to have today. Okay. As you can perhaps tell, this scenario was far from a one-off. We probably had versions of this fight a hundred or more times in the few years we were together. I would set these little tests for him, like whether he could respond to my texts in a timely way, fully expecting that he would disappoint me, and then get angry and righteous at his very predictable failure.

3:57I'd then use his response as an opportunity to lecture him about how he never prioritized me, considered me, respected me, and so on. In hindsight, I can see clearly the role I played in that dynamic, but at the time, I was convinced that I was doing an excellent job of communicating, and the problem resided solely with him. After all, I was being direct, reasonable, and responsive, making clear what I needed from him and what I didn't like about his behavior. How could I have been part of the problem? Only when I landed in therapy a few months later did I realize that most of my self-expression was actually about him.

4:30True to my anxiously attached form, I was always hyper-focused on the relationship and I spent a lot of time talking about everything that was wrong with my partner. At the start of each session, my therapist would ask how I was and I'd quickly launch into a diatribe on what he had done that week. Incredulous, I would recount all the things that were bothering me. Can you believe he would say that? All the things that didn't make sense. I just don't understand how someone could be so oblivious. Everything was frustrating. I honestly don't know what I'm meant to do when I've asked him so many times and he still keeps doing it, and so on.

5:03My therapist would often interrupt me and ask, Steph, what do you need in this situation? I'd pause and then quickly say something like, I just need him to stop being so unreliable, or I need him to acknowledge how his behaviour impacts me, or I need him to treat me like a priority for once. I was half hoping that she would nod furiously in agreement and tell me how right I was. Instead, she'd pause, give me that cheeky, smug look that therapists are so adept at and ask again, no, no, Steph, what do you need? It became clear to me that I had no idea how to answer that question other than with some version of, I need him to do what I want him to do.

5:40No wonder I felt so exasperated and powerless in my relationship. I'd spent years having these drawn out, circular, emotional conversations in which I essentially tried to convince my partner that he should be fundamentally different from who and how he was and had always been. What I experienced is something I've seen thousands of times since. The immense difficulty that anxiously attached people have in effectively advocating for themselves in their relationships. Some assume that the solution to this problem lies in simply learning to communicate better. But the truth is the struggle is driven by some of our deepest insecurities.

6:13Our hyperfixation on our partner as the source of our safety and well-being means we don't know what our needs are independent of needing our partner to act or communicate in certain ways. We rely so heavily on external validation that we don't trust our own judgment, our sense of what feels right and wrong. We can convince ourselves that any relational discomfort is just the product of our anxiety, and so we end up dismissing our own valid concerns. Even if we do know what we want and need, we worry that asserting ourselves will push our partner away. We often conclude that speaking up isn't worth the risk, and we are accustomed to blaming ourselves for others' behavior, and so we assume that someone being unwilling or unable to meet our needs means that our needs are too much, rather than the relationship possibly being a poor fit.

6:57Each of these factors was present in my experience of anxious attachment, and I'm guessing you can relate. Until we learn to take up more space in our relationships, not from a place of anxious demand, but with the knowledge that what we want and need matters, we will continue to engage in cycles of self-abandonment and self-sabotage. So that was a little excerpt from chapter seven of my book on self-advocacy and I think is a helpful lead into what I really want to share in today's episode, which is that so much of our confusion around what we need is a function of that external orientation. The fact that we only know how to feel okay via our partner or as a result of our partner behaving in the way we want them to.

7:39And as I shared there in that little story, I was so guilty of this in my previous relationship. I really had no concept of what I needed separate from what I wanted from him and what I needed him to do and how I needed him to act, which was actually just a veil for my control and a way for me to avoid taking responsibility for what wasn't working in the relationship by just focusing on what he wasn't doing and convincing myself that getting him to do it would be the solution to all of my problems. And naturally when our needs are coming from that place, even if the underlying need is a reasonable one, it's going to be cloaked in anxiety and insecurity and demand and desperation.

8:20So the part of the story that I didn't read out there was about me wanting my partner to be more responsive when I would text him asking if he was coming home for dinner, which is a totally reasonable, straightforward request, but there was nothing secure or constructive or mature about the way that I went about it because it was so steeped in my own stuff and my anxious attachment and my protest behaviors and all of the things. So I think the question of, is this just an anxious need or is this a reasonable need? Kind of misses the point because I don't think it's as simple as just putting it in two columns and saying, okay, these are anxious needs and therefore we need to dismiss them.

8:58And these are reasonable needs and therefore we need to stand up for them. I think it's more about the overall relational environment. And the simple fact is you can express a very reasonable need in an anxious way. And if your partner doesn't come to the table, you can certainly escalate in very anxious ways that contribute to the problem rather than being part of the solution and getting very upset and blaming someone for not meeting your needs. I think oftentimes we can look past our own role in that and where our own responsibility lies in terms of getting our needs met and really being an advocate for our wellbeing.

9:35So as I flagged in that introductory piece from the chapter of my book, it's not just as simple as learning to communicate better. And that would be great if it was, but it isn't because so much of the struggle that we experience is actually stemming from a lack of confidence and self-worth. And ultimately this sense of, even if my partner isn't meeting my needs, I'm probably going to stay in the relationship because I'm too scared to not be in the relationship. And as I've talked about so many times, our instinct is to just keep holding on, even if we're really unhappy, even if the relationship isn't working.

10:10Walking away is such an absolute last resort for folks with anxious attachment patterns. And so it's little wonder that the whole needs thing becomes very desperate because we are sort of begging and pleading with someone to meet our needs from this place of knowing that they can not meet them and there's going to be no consequence other than us being upset about it because oftentimes we don't have that inner sturdiness or courage or self-trust to actually look at whether the relationship is aligned or not. So there's a complicated emotional backdrop to the needs conversation that I think has to be acknowledged and contextualized because just trying to again simplify it into reasonable needs and unreasonable needs and then delivering a script is just not acknowledging the bigness of this from an attachment perspective for someone with anxious attachment patterns.

10:58So I do think the task is ultimately one of building self-worth and becoming more self-assured and more self-confident such that we actually trust not only in knowing what our needs are, but trust that the right person is going to come to the table and that we are worthy and deserving of a relationship where we feel safe and secure and we feel cared for and we feel like a priority. We feel important to this person. We feel valued because I think unless and until we really deeply believe that and we start to live in a way that is congruent with those beliefs, then we do tend to behave in ways that are all bark and no bite, where we just get very expressive and loud and protesting about our needs going unmet, but we don't do anything about it.

11:45Again, if you read the book, you'll read a lot more about how that was exactly what I used to do ad nauseum over and over again was just get very righteous and indignant about how dare my partner not meet my needs and treat me better. But I didn't do anything about it really, other than tell him over and over again. With all of that being said, I do want to offer some more practical reframes on how you can think about this in a more secure way. And again, this is stuff that I go through in more detail in my book. But I think one of the areas where a lot of anxious people get stuck is exactly as I spoke to the, what do you need?

12:18The word need, I think in itself can bring up this energy of demand. And we say, I need you to be more affectionate. I need you to call me every day. I need you to show me that you care about me. And a lot of us by default do end up formulating these needs that are, I need you to do this thing. And so it can be a demand dressed up as a need. And that tends not to land very well, particularly if we have avoidant partners who don't like feeling controlled and they don't like feeling pressured. And so they will instinctively pull away from something that is framed in that fashion. But of course, if we don't know any different, that's all we're going to know to do and say.

12:56So I think a much better way of not only expressing it, but actually thinking about it for your own clarity is to ask yourself, not what do I need, but what conditions support my wellbeing in a relationship? How do I want my relationships to feel? When do I feel my most confident and secure? What helps me to feel loved and cared for in a relationship? When do I feel least secure or confident in myself and in my relationships? So these sorts of questions that are really about the environment surrounding our relationships, the conditions that support our wellbeing or not, I think that broadening out the lens in that way makes it feel a bit less pressured.

13:36And we can almost treat ourselves as any other living thing that has certain conditions that support its well-being and thriving and certain conditions in which it won't thrive. So like a pot plant, it needs certain things and that might be really different from another type of pot plant and that's not personal and neither is better or worse or right or wrong. It's just a matter of going, okay, well for me, I know that these specific things are what allows me to feel like the best version of myself and that allows me to feel safe and secure and loved and cared for and a sense of trust and connection, whatever those things are, not having to second guess them or overthink it.

14:15It's actually just an observation and knowing ourselves and backing that. And I think that that really depersonalizes it. It's less about, you need to do this for me and more about standing firm in, this is what I know works for me and allows me to feel well in all the ways. So does that work for you? And can we see where we can meet in the middle, where we can negotiate, where we can compromise? And of course, having regard to the other person's needs and desires and the things that support their thriving. And hopefully in the Venn diagram of that, there's enough overlap that you can have a functional, secure, satisfying relationship.

14:52Two other quick things that I think are helpful in conceptualizing and getting comfortable with what your needs are, try and think of ways that you can get a need met that aren't just from your partner. So connection, for example, how can I get that need met? Yes, in my relationship, but also in my friendships or community and in my relationship to myself so that I'm not a one trick pony where every need that I have is solely resting on my partner to fulfill and satisfy. So I think the more that we can diversify in terms of getting our needs met, then it's going to feel lower stakes in our partnership.

15:31It's going to carry less of that energy of demand and requiring our partner and then feeling disappointed and hurt if they are unable or unwilling, either generally or at any given time to meet us in something. We do have other places where we can go to get those needs met. And that might just bring the temperature down and take a bit of the pressure off. And last but not least, the final little tip that I have around needs and relationship is be clear on what the need is. So again, using the example of connection and clear on what that means to you, because of course that's a big word and it can mean different things to different people, but do try and have some flexibility around how it is met.

16:11So a lot of people with anxious patterns might say, my need is connection and I need you to text me every single morning and night before I go to bed and that's my need. So therefore you have to meet it. Otherwise you're not meeting my needs and that's a big problem. That can very quickly again veer into this realm of being controlling. And I think for a lot of those types of needs, we can see that it is essentially born of insecurity. If we felt really secure in the relationship, we probably wouldn't be so grippy around what the need is and what you exactly must do and stipulating all of that and prescribing it and then taking it very personally if someone doesn't do it.

16:47I think, yes, be clear around what the need is and stand firm in that, but also be flexible about the how. So be open to that need being met in different ways within your relationship that actually accommodate what your partner is able to do, what they're willing to do, what is comfortable for them in a spirit of genuine collaboration and flexibility rather than you dictating to them what they must do in order to meet your needs, which is not only oftentimes a part of the insecurity, but it tends to be pretty one-sided and particularly an anxious avoidant dynamic. You'll often have the anxious partner lecturing the avoidant partner and that is not a dynamic that you want to be setting up.

17:24I'm sure you don't need me to tell you that, but if you've experienced it, you'd know that that wears a relationship down very quickly and reliably and ultimately tends to lead to a partner's disengagement or sort of giving up, throwing in the towel because it all feels too much and too burdensome. Not because the underlying need is burdensome, but because the whole relational environment around it has become very heavy and weighed down and laden. Okay, so I'm going to leave it there, not least because I am running out of breath in my pregnant state. It is becoming increasingly challenging to record podcasts and I am not even near the end.

17:58So please pray for me, remembering from my last pregnancy, how very hard it got towards the pointy end. I'm not excited for that. But anyway, thank you for joining me. Thank you so much for joining me. I hope today's episode has been helpful. I hope you liked that little excerpt of the book and let me know if you'd like me to read some more little snippets over the coming months ahead of its release in February. And please do go and pre-order. I would love to say that I will stop bugging you about that soon, but I probably won't. You'll have to put up with it for a little while longer yet. But yes, thank you as always for listening, for tuning in for your support.

18:30I really do appreciate it so much. Brussels clean up nicely at Sweetgreen. Maple glazed, roasted and edges perfectly caramelized. Sweetgreen's fall harvest is back on the menu and the season's most overlooked little green vegetable is dressed to be devoured. You know what to do. Order on the Sweetgreen app. And I'll see you next time.