162: Private Eye - Year In Review 2025

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1:30Christmas-y episode. We'll be back in a fortnight with another one. Hope you enjoy this one.

1:36We start with the biggest story of the year. BBC under fire for fresh editing scandal. Private Eye has decided to share the opinions of a famously balanced political commentator and Mail on Sunday columnist. It's Boris Johnson. I think he's what? I think he's what cripes. the shocking revelation that BBC's panorama more like pants on fire-o-rama doctored footage of President Trump peacefully addressing a mob of his supporters before they stormed the Capitol should mean the end of for Auntie Auntie Bean and her entire crew of jabbering woke snowflakes and lefty lackeys it's unbelievable the BBC, the biased broadcasting conspiracy as I call it decided to tamper with the veritas, or veritable arse if you are the Director General, and slander the President, pretending his speech was in some way an incitement to mount a coup.

2:39What an inverted pyramid of piffle-paffle and whiff-waffery. It is the most disgusting example of twisting the truth since yours truly was in office. Saving the nation from COVID, only to be accused of holding parties in number 10, cracking open the odd suitcase of wine, ballzing up the PPE contracts, and then lying about it to Parliament, the nation and anyone else who would listen. I say, sack this dishonest, biased, treacherous cabal of fabulists and fantasists and put someone responsible in charge of a new BBC, i.e. me, All hail the Boris Broadcasting Corporation. Go!

3:32I said last year, this is an annual event because we try and sell you the private eye annual. That was cynical and I apologise for it. It's annual because we try and sell you the annual and our new book about the post office scandal. This is by Richard Brooks. She's got a great quote from Paula Venels on the back. And she said, I'm sorry, I can't recall the detail now. Anyway, this was the year when things started to happen and we had the ITV dramatisation, which prompted this item in private eye. Post Office Award at last. There were scenes of unconfined joy among the wrongly convicted postmasters and mistresses as finally, after decades of grief and suffering, They received an award.

4:20A BAFTA. Said one. We were hoping that after 25 years of campaigning, we might have received more compensation than a bronze statuette, but there you go. Said another. This recognition that the production company did do a fine job is good, but it would be quite nice if I was awarded a suitable sum of money for the years I spent in prison.

4:52But, to be fair, there was also some anger at the continuing injustice. Why was Toby Jones overlooked as best actor? It's a disgrace. Thank you. Now, like all publications, private eye is trying to appeal to young people.

5:12And? And so we reported on the survey from respected pollsters YouthGov 20 alarming findings about the youth of today, the eyes-shocking survey of Gen Z. 3 % of Gen Z do not drink alcohol. 62 % of them do not drink any fluids, instead hydrating via leaves and fruits. 72 % of Gen Z do not smoke. 58 % of them do consume vegan, gluten-free, strawberry and custard flavour vapes. 12 % of Gen Z would join the army or fight for Britain as long as they could fight from home. 42 % of Gen Z would rather have a dictator in charge of Britain than work three days in the office. 59 % of Gen Z have no job, live with their parents and find older people annoying 92 % of Gen Z have eaten all the cheese in the fridge again 100 % of the participants in this survey, all three of them live in the house of the compiler of the survey and are related to me Thank you very much for the survey

6:37This prompts the question, is the nation dumbing down? And the only accurate monitor is privatised Dumb Britain column, edited by Marcus Berkman, which records real answers to real questions on real quiz shows. These all come from The Chase, Tipping Point, Mastermind, The Weakest Link, The Wheel, and many more. And our presenter, for ease and convenience this evening, is Bradley Wolfe. What animal features in Van Dyke's equestrian portrait of Charles I? A duck.

7:15Emmy Grey was a term coined to describe those people who fled which revolution of 1789? The Stone Age. Name the writer, director and star of the 1941 film Citizen Kane, initials O.W. Oprah Winfrey.

7:41The 1937 novella by John Steinbeck about nomadic workers during the Great Depression was of mice and what? Cats. What horseback sport featured at five Summer Olympic Games? Jousting. Austria is bordered by how many other countries? None. Which British racing driver won the Formula One World Championship in 1962 and 1968? Nigel Havers.

8:22People who are closely allied are described as thick as what? Two short planks.

8:38It is Christmas. This is the time of year for giving books as gifts. So I would strongly recommend... LAUGHTER One particular book. No, not what you're thinking. But a marvellously enhancing story from Raina Wynne, the author of The Salt Path. This is her new one called The Garden Path. LAUGHTER We'd walked 234 miles and slept wild for 36 nights. We'd been through lashing rain, torrential downpours and thunderous storms, yet we had still not reached the end of the garden path. As I say, we'd walked 243 miles and slept wild for 63 nights surviving on a ration of loaves and fishes but I wasn't going to be beaten.

9:27That's not who I am. Then suddenly, a sight for sore eyes. Here it is at last, the end of the journey, I exclaimed to my partner, Moth, who had been fluttering about knocking into light bulbs and always being guided by the light. After 324 miles, this was as good as it gets, we'd managed to create a life-affirming true story of coming to terms with grief and the healing power of the natural world. When I set out on the path, it had a bit of a sniffle, but now, 63 nights later, it had completely vanished, and in case you're asking, I have the doctor's certificate to prove it. Up path and down path, we'd survived many adventures.

10:09we'd been drenched by a tsunami, wrestled a mountain goat, been repeatedly mistaken for Ted Hughes and Sylvia Plath, and found much-needed overnight accommodation, spacious but damp, having been unexpectedly swallowed by a blue whale. And all before we'd even got to the famously tricky stretch of the path from Padstow to Newquay. Yes, our continued survival was indeed a miracle, and those who wished to misleadingly allege otherwise might frankly need reminding that our legal advice remains ongoing. But now deeply exhausted yet thoroughly exhilarated, we reached the end. Having covered 423 miles, we had completed our mission and had led all our many millions of readers up the garden path.

10:56Woo!

11:03trying to keep up standards of erudition and upmarket literature in private eye we have our own resident poet EJ Thribb who specializes in obituaries and also celebrations of both people and institutions lines in celebration of the 40th anniversary of EastEnders so congratulations then eastenders you are 40 get out of my pub that is your catchphrase shut it you slag that is another leave it there and that is yet another is it time for you to sling your rook, as the Albert Square vernacular has it? Or will you go on for another 40 years? What an exciting cliffhanger.

12:17It's time to return to the story about the BBC. just in case anyone wants to accuse us of bias. Following the controversy over the edited Trump speech, the BBC has been lambasted for its negative and biased portrayal of the leader of a prominent right-wing government. The Emperor Dalek spoke to the BBC yesterday saying... Daleks have been selectively edited to show us in a bad light since 1963. They portray us as unthinking, homicidal, fascist aliens who want to enslave the galaxy. When in fact, we are highly sophisticated, homicidal, fascist aliens who want to enslave the galaxy. A senior gold Dalek continued, We never said exterminate!

13:16Exterminate! This is a complete fabrication. Viewers hiding behind the sofa were unaware that this was taken out of context from a much longer speech and lining our current position. The full text was, and I quote, exterminate, exterminate, exterminate, exterminate. The Emperor Dalek concluded We have complained to the BDC before and tried to take it upstairs but the lifts don't work

13:58Thank you very much

14:06People occasionally say to me that politics isn't funny anymore Well they haven't been watching the birth of your party

14:17This was a piece we ran earlier in the year. Supporters of the former Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn were overjoyed to see him back to his political best as he has split his new political party before it even exists. Corbyn, who has an outstanding record of destroying parties and making them unelectable, has taken it up a notch by creating a leadership schism. A leadership schism between himself and the party's would-be joint leader, Zahra Sultana. The two have already disagreed over the name of the party, which will either be your party or the Fruit and Nut Party. Said one delighted Corbynite. You know, this is peak Corbynism.

15:04Jeremy's done it again. This time undermining his own party in order to alienate voters. He continued... The country's crying out for an alternative hard left party, and so is Jeremy, already opposing his own new party to form a new, new party. In a statement to his follower last night, Corbyn said...

15:33It is time for the left to unite behind me. I say to Sultana, I'm the current leader It stands to raisin Thank you for that groan

15:53Not just politics but medical issues are something that Private Eye needs to take very seriously and we tried to do our bit with this piece about the broadcasting personality in trouble Sacked MasterChef presenter Greg Wallace has revealed that he has been diagnosed with awfulism a condition that affects men once they've been caught behaving like total bastards a close friend said awfulism means that Greg can't wear any pants when around attractive young production assistants on the show. The close friend, who definitely wasn't Greg, putting on a slightly different voice on the phone, continued...

16:45Greg's awfulism diagnosis explains why he made so many women's lives a misery on MasterChef. The close friend, who still wasn't Greg at all, concluded... Surely Greg must now be forgiven, applauded for his bravery in being diagnosed, and the blame for his misdeeds should instead rightly be put on lonely, sour-faced old harridans who wouldn't know a decent joke if it slapped him on the arse. Lovely. Thanks to Greg.

17:19Time for more poetry from E.J. Thrib. In memoriam, Jilly Cooper. Columnist, novelist and national treasure. so farewell then Jilly Cooper or Jolly Super as you were known riders tackle mount score sometimes you can judge a book by its cover yes the critics were sometimes a bit snooty but your readers were laughing and so were you all the way to the bonk Thank you, Pa.

18:04The royal family have not had a great year. It's been an andrewus horribilus. But there have been moments of triumph for the king, and the celebration of VE Day 80 years on was one of them. Private Eye, as ever, had the benefit of our royal romantic novelist, Dame Hedda Shoulders, to cover the events. The story so far. Charles is leading the nation in celebration of the end of the war in Europe, standing on the balcony with the pared-down royal family to witness the historic fly past. Boring! The fractious tones of the king's youngest grandson momentarily undermine the solemnity of the march past, of the massed bands of the Coldplay guards, resplendent in their Paddington bearskin hats.

18:56No, Louis, this is what we do so well. It's all about the pageantry, the spectacle, the pomp, the circumstance, the thingy. At that moment, a roar from the heavens signalled the arrival of the Battle of Brexit memorial for light. You see, Louis, there's the Burt Lancaster bomber, and that's a Hurricane Higgins fighter. And of course, look, the legendary Super Mario Spitfire Mark 94 with its unmistakable Greg's Rolls Royce engine. The forthright Princess Royale interrupted her brother's explanation. Is that the whole naffing air force? Anne was dressed smartly in the no-nonsense uniform of Commander-in-Chief of the first Band-Aid nursing yeomanry of the Guard.

19:49Gee! Charles laughed at his sister's blunt assessment.

20:04Charles laughed at his sister's blunt assessment of the United Kingdom's limited military capacity in the modern era. Forget waving Union Jacks. We might as well be waving bloody white flags. No, no, no, no, no, no. Remonstrated the king. Today's day for rejoicing in our glorious past. Just look at those magnificent men in their flying machine. Going up diddly-wop-wop. And then down diddly-wop-down. Up, down, flying around. Looping the loop and then flying the ground. I mean, he sends shivers down one's spine, doesn't he? Well, it's certainly effing freezing, agreed his soulmate and Queen Consulate Camilla, who was finding it unusual to be outside without enjoying a king-size Lambert and underbutler full-strength gasper.

21:01Is it over yet? asked the impish young royal Louis, while he fidgeted and fiddled with his father's gold-brained shoulder cords, part of Prince William's uniform as rear vice-marshal of the fleet air fryer arm. No, Lulu Suits his mother, the fragrant, beautiful and sensible Prince Kate middle class Charles once again reflected on how fortunate the royal family were to have her in the firm She was just so, what was the word? Appealing Yes, that was it Appealing rather than that other word he so often used Appalling Which really did apply to his other daughter-in-law the Duchess of Succession and his errant son Harry.

21:46But no thought, Charles, that way madness lies. Camilla interrupted his gloomy reverie. Oh, come on, cheer up, Chazza. Just look at all your loyal subjects lining the Daily Mall. Some of them have dressed up as members of Dad's army. Oh, yes. And look at those young ladies. They've come as the popular singing group, the Prince Andrew Sisters.

22:12Charles felt his chest swell and his spirits rise, soaring like the plains above. Yes, this is it. We are the royal bloodline that will take the dynasty of the Windsor-Davis-Saxolo-Mount-Battenburg cake onto the sunlit uplands of our magnificent thingy. To be continued.

22:42questions of political bias have clouded everything this year and popular music was no exception trust me i know about these things glastonbury was rocked by an enormous controversy and the Eye reported it in full. Why was this political activist allowed to take over at Glastonbury? It was the performance that shocked the nation. The crowd was expecting a fun-filled summer sing-along but instead was subjected to a relentless, sickening stream of propaganda from a so-called musician. Rod Stewart, a self-proclaimed reform supporter, cynically used his set to whip up pro-Faraj further and the BBC did nothing to stop it.

23:30Stuart kicked off with a Thatcherite hymn, Maggie May, before highlighting the attack on freedom of speech with a shocking rendition of I Don't Want To Talk About It. He followed this up with the pro-tax reduction anthem, The First Cut Is The Deepest, and launched into a celebration of vote-leave triumphalism with Do You Think I'm Brexy? And still the BBC let him continue unedited and Stuart ended his performance with a rabble-rousing climax, donning a jaunty naval cap to highlight the small boats crisis with his rendition of We Are Sailing, implying that those aboard the boats wanted to be near you, to be free.

24:19Shocked members of the rap community immediately called the BBC to be closed down. Said one member of kneecap, Rod Stewart is out of tune with the country. Not to mention his backing bar. Thank you, Mark Lewis.

24:42We can't avoid it any longer. President Trump began his administration this year. and he's been in the news every day, all day, all year. We're doing our best to keep up and so there'll be a couple of appearances from him tonight. Firstly, we're very pleased to have him announce the details of his new peace plan. This one's for Ukraine rather than Gaza, but it makes equal sense.

25:17Good job, good job. It is a great honor for you to hear me tell you about the latest war I've ended. I'm stopping wars everywhere. Seven since I began this speech. Including the War of the Roses. The War of the Worlds. War for Planet of the Apes. War Horse. World War Z. Star Wars and the Civil War in America. I'm working on that one in the moment. The latest one was in Ukraine. Ukraine.