How to be an altruist with 'Try This'

0:02Hey there, it's Colby.

0:06there's something so special about this time of year those precious few weeks between thanksgiving and christmas when many are at their most generous it's the season of giving after all so in that spirit we have something special for you today we're bringing you an episode from another washington post podcast try this try this is a series of short audio courses hosted by my colleague, Christina Quinn. Christina is hilarious, and she also loves helping people learn how to improve their lives. The latest Try This course is all about altruism and the idea of charitable giving. On this first episode of the course, Christina talks to a neuroscientist about what it means to be an altruist and how we can build up our altruism like a muscle.

0:52And after you listen, be sure to follow Try This in your podcast app. All right, here's the show.

1:08Hey, welcome to Try This from The Washington Post. Try This is a series of audio courses to help you take on common challenges and learn something new without having to make a big time commitment. I'm Christina Quinn, and I'll be learning with you. This time, we're giving it all away. Okay, not quite. More specifically, we'll be digging deep into altruism and giving, and why we're more hardwired to care about strangers than you might think. If you're new here, welcome. This course will have two classes, aka two episodes. First, we'll learn what it means to be altruistic, what that looks like, and how you can actually build up your altruism like a muscle.

1:53Then we'll get into practical ways to give, whatever your budget allows. Okay, class is in session. Let's try this.

2:04Sometimes a chance encounter can change the course of your life. This is something Abigail Marsh learned when she was 19. Many, many details of the evening haunt me. But the biggest one is that I think I would have died if it hadn't been for the actions of this stranger who made a split-second decision to try to save my life. Many years ago, as she was driving home late one night, this happened. As I was crossing an overpass into the city, a little dog, a little orangish dog, ran right out into the freeway in front of my car. And I did, I think, what many people instinctively do, which is swerve to try to avoid it.

2:45And that sent my car into first a fishtail and then a spin. across the lanes of freeway traffic, miraculously not hitting anybody, until my car came to rest in the fast lane of the freeway facing backward into the oncoming traffic, and the engine died. I was pretty sure that I would also die because I had no phone, I had no way of escaping, there was no shoulder even to escape onto. I basically sat there panicking until I heard a stranger knock on the half-open passenger window and turned to see this man standing there. He had a shaved head. I think he was wearing a suit, but also a lot of gold jewelry.

3:29He was a black man. I think he had on sunglasses, even though it was almost midnight. He had a very calm, reassuring voice. And when I turned to look at him, he said, You look like you could use some help. I said, I think I could. And I said, do you mind if I get in your car? I said, no, of course not. And then, you know, gun in the car as hard as you could to get it back across all six lanes of traffic into the relative safety of the exit ramp. And then he turned to look at me and he said, you don't look so good. You need me to follow you to make sure you make it home OK. And I just, you know, I wasn't thinking straight.

4:04I was like, no, no, I'll be OK. I'll be OK. And he said, OK, you take care of yourself then. And off he went, hopped out of the car, back into his car, off into the night. I don't know his name. I know nothing about him. I don't think I said thank you. Abigail has run that night through her mind countless times over the years. I later figured out what he had done is that surely within just a fraction of a second of seeing my car stranded on the road, because again, you were coming sort of up over a bridge when you saw my car. So he would have had only just a fraction of a second to react, which in his case meant pulling off into the exit ramp on the opposite side of the freeway, running across the road to get to me.

4:45And it's one thing to read about heroism in the news or in a book, but it's another thing to know that you owe your life to this kind of a decision. And so that really stuck with me. So much so that she decided to study it. Abigail is now a professor of psychology and neuroscience at Georgetown University. And she has spent her career trying to understand why people engage in these kinds of selfless acts, especially for people they don't know. In other words, what drives us to be altruistic? And is it possible to get better at it? It's one of the things she and her students research in her lab at Georgetown.

5:29But before we go further, let's lay out what altruism actually is. Altruism is generally defined in psychology as a behavior that helps somebody, and that was the intention of the behavior. You help somebody specifically because you wanted to help them, not for some underlying reason. Like when you help someone pick up their groceries after their bag breaks in the parking lot. Or when you see a person struggling to open a door. You know, little acts of kindness and everyday gestures that you may not think twice about doing. Those are great. Keep it up. But for Abigail and her work as a researcher, she's interested in the overachievers.

6:08An altruistic person or an altruist is somebody who habitually does, I would say, more altruistic things than the average person. More specifically, she's focused on people who donate their kidneys. Which is, in my view, an equally altruistic thing to do. You're certainly making a known sacrifice of one of your own healthy organs forever to help save a stranger's life. I've worked with hundreds of altruistic kidney donors and bring them to my lab at Georgetown for testing just to try to figure out what makes them tick. Are they different from other people? And one of the most interesting things about this research at the beginning was that they often thought that I probably wouldn't find anything.

6:50Because in their view, there's absolutely nothing different about somebody who would donate a kidney to a stranger from anybody else. This turned out to be an important clue that would later reveal the kernel of every altruist. Another thing she and her team discovered in the MRI scans of kidney donors was that the size of their amygdala were larger than average. The amygdala, by the way, is critical to processing emotions, particularly fear. In her earlier research, Abigail had learned that the amygdala in psychopaths were smaller than average. So she wondered, is altruism the inverse of psychopathy?

7:29They were more reactive than in typical people to the sight of other people in distress, showing fear. And they were relatively better at recognizing other people's fear as well. Which makes sense. Because if you're helping people in distress, it would make sense that you were unusually sensitive to that distress. Abigail's lab has since branched out to studying other altruistic heavy hitters. Liver donors, bone marrow donors. I've now worked with heroic rescuers, humanitarian aid workers. And what's interesting is that they do all have some common traits. So we haven't done brain scans on all of them.

8:02But we have found some really interesting personality differences. The main one of which, and I know this will be a totally shocking statement, is that they're all less selfish than other people. And I think a lot of people assume that they just, they're sort of all puffed up with moral virtue. And it's like the opposite. Genuinely altruistic people are very humble. And it turns out that humility and being unselfish go hand in hand, because if you think that you're the most special person around, why would you want to help less special people? The special person should get all the stuff and the less special people should not.

8:40And so truly altruistic people do not think of themselves as special. That's it. That's the kernel. Truly altruistic people just don't think that they're special. They see their needs are no more important than anyone else's. Yes, even when it comes to whether or not they need their kidney. I can't tell you how many altruists I've talked to over the years who A, say the decision was sort of automatic. And it almost seems like not donating is the choice that needs an explanation. Donating seems like the most obvious choice in the world. And I think that that's really helpful to remember, is that almost everybody believes that their choices are the obvious rational choice.

9:19I mean, that's why they made that choice. Wow. And so when somebody makes a choice that's different from your own, remember, they may think your choice is just as puzzling as you think your choice is. Abigail and her team also learned that in addition to being less selfish, they tend to have more positive views of people, which makes sense, right? Because if you think everyone stinks, why would you want to help them? I have to say, it almost sounds like you're talking about two different species of humans. Because I think I am admittedly a little cynical. I try not to be, though, because I do believe in the goodness of humankind.

9:56I really do. But it does sound like when people are like, what? That's a no-brainer. Of course I'm going to donate my kidney. and and the fact that you said that that people consistently responded the same way as if like well yeah no it's not about me like well this is ridiculous almost like why are we having this conversation right yeah and these are actually so many exact phrases they use it's not about me it felt like a no-brainer were you struck by how almost like repetitious it was across the board when you were talking to people you're like wow they all sort of have the same response I had no particular, you know, assumptions going in.

10:30And so I was quite surprised at how consistently the altruists I've worked with said that their decision was very kind of intuitive and seemed obvious, you know, like it just felt like it feels intuitive. and you're right I mean it can feel like to many people it can feel like I cannot put my mind inside this other person's brain I can't imagine what it would be like to make that decision and so it does end up feeling like they must be supernatural beings somehow not quite human and so I you know one of the reasons I like this work is because all the work we've done shows you know they're very human they're not perfect they're not saints um you know I've had people when I've asked questions along these lines be like no i flipped somebody off in traffic on my way here i was gonna ask that so i was like it's like do they get mad in traffic i was like you know what i mean i mean they've got it right yeah are there other ways that they've expressed altruism that they've have you did you ever like look into that like what else they do like what are you in your free time when you're not donating a vital organ yes uh now that varies a lot too um i would say the most common thread is that almost every one of them is also a blood donor.

11:43I think it's much more easy to make the mental transition to donating a kidney if you've already donated blood, maybe plasma, maybe bone marrow, also very common. I mean, that's small bananas compared to a kidney. At the end of the day, you're like, well, you know, if I'm giving a kidney, like blood's nothing, right? Yeah.

12:02More on what you and I, all of us, can do to be more giving, even if you've already donated a Vital Organ, after the break.

12:22Abigail Marsh, a psychology and neuroscience professor at Georgetown University, says the easiest way to be more altruistic, more giving, whether it's of your time or money, is just start. Start with something that seems easy for you, That does seem intuitive, whether that's just like picking up trash in your neighborhood or, you know, giving change to a stranger who asks for it or whatever. And for some people, that's donating blood, which is it is relatively easy, but it's amazing how few people do it regularly. Another tip, make it fun. The trick with altruism is that it is a little bit individualized.

12:58Some people are left very cold by the idea of sending money to strangers on the other side of the world that they'll never see. They're not people in their community. They don't feel like connection to them. And so it's just important to remember that the same kind of helping and generosity isn't going to do it for everybody. It's just like exercise, right? People always say, what's the best kind of exercise I should do for longevity or health or whatever? And everybody will always tell you, whatever you like, just do something you'll stick with. I hate swimming, for example. God forbid I'm ever left in a situation where that's the only kind of exercise I can do because I hate it.

13:30I love swimming. I can't swim, but I don't like it as exercise. I like running. And so, you know, that's the kind of exercise I do because I enjoy it. And so I'll stick with it. It's intrinsically reinforcing. And the same is true for altruism. Like whatever way that you find to help intrinsically makes you feel gratified and reinforced, that's what you should do. If you're a really extroverted person who enjoys spending time with other people, you should seek to help in ways that are extroversion friendly. You know, go volunteer in a soup kitchen, go help in some really social setting that would be, you know, not just pro-social, but, you know, something that you love.

14:10If you're somebody who really cares about aesthetic beauty, doing community cleanups, you know, making the landscape around you more beautiful in a way that will benefit everybody. That's a good thing. If you love animals, you know, there's tons of animals in the community that need help, obviously. All very practical advice. And it makes so much sense. But that's the thing we need to be reminded. I mean, we're very much in favor of doling out practical advice on the show because a lot of it's common sense, but we often forget, right? We sort of, there's so many things going on and we just need to be, it needs to be reinforced.

14:39It's like, no, like, yeah, there's so many ways to do it. Well, because I think there's a heuristic, you know, sort of a mental rule of thumb where people think the more unpleasant something is, the more virtuous it must be. You know, like, I'm not doing the right thing unless I'm suffering somehow. The martyr complex, right? Yes, exactly. And that's not always true. You know, like doing exercise that you find joyful is just as beneficial as exercise you hate. And taking joy and helping people and finding it intrinsically enjoyable does not mean that it's less good. I would argue it's more good because there's more joy in the world and you're more likely to keep doing it.

15:20The Buddhist monk and neuroscientist Mathieu Ricard wrote a beautiful book called Altruism. where he explains it really well, and I'll just paraphrase it, that, you know, finding it joyful to help other people is what it means to be altruistic. Like, that is what altruism is, is finding vicarious reward in helping other people. It's so logical when put that way. If you enjoy helping people, then you're doing it right. So I will say that if you're only giving because you feel pressured by other people to do it, or you sort of feel like that's what you're supposed to do, you're not going to feel as good after helping as if you're helping because you really want to help.

15:55So, you know, find a way to help. That is something that is intrinsically motivating to you. And almost everybody can do that. You know, find a charitable organization that really is consistent with your values. Look for organizations in your community who serve populations that really move you. And maybe also make some more altruistic friends and be positively influenced by the people around you.

16:26Abigail knows that most of us mean well, but if you really want to follow through with your intentions, make a plan. And I will say there's the whole science of what's called implementation intentions. So the idea is that if you want to do something that's consistent with your values, the more precisely you can sort of plot out the where, when, why, how, the more likely you are to actually act in a way that you want to act. In other words, and stay with me here, commit to the bit, make the commitment. So for example, how are you going to get there? What time are you going to leave? Are you going to go with anybody?

17:01And answering all of those questions is based on the science of making sure that people's actions match their values. So if let's say you want to start volunteering, like don't just have a general plan, like, okay, this Friday, I'll volunteer, you know, I'll go to the soup kitchen. No, be like, okay, so when this Friday rolls around, I am gonna, You know, at 335, that's when my local bus comes. And I'm going to hop on that bus. I'm going to go to the kitchen. I'm going to bring such and such with me. I'm going to stay for two hours. And then I'm going to go get myself a special dinner as a treat or something.

17:33And the more precisely you can plan out the details of exactly what you want to do, the more likely you are to do it when the time comes. What about for folks who don't have that much time or money? Well, you've always got a kidney. Yeah.

17:51and seen. So there are ways to benefit other people that are very small, but have ripple effects on the social fabric. And I have a colleague here at Georgetown, whose name is Kosta Dean Kuchlev, who studies our use of phones in social media. And he's done really interesting research showing that walking around with their face in your phone, even if you're like, for example, following directions, causes you to miss out on connections with just the passersby that you meet, you make less eye contact with them. You're less likely to smile. If they have a cute dog, you're less likely to interact with it.

18:25And so even just like putting your phone away and being fully engaged in the world around you, if somebody is lost, you can help give them directions. You can just smile, maybe compliment a passerby. I mean, these are all little things that are so easy for all of us to do, but we'll, you know, change the opinion of each person that you interact with just a little bit in terms of thinking that other people are maybe a little nicer than you realized. And that's the kind of community change that can lead to big changes in the long term, right? Increasing trust, reducing cynicism, increasing how much people just like other people.

19:01So even just like little positive interactions with strangers or people you don't know very well day to day can make a big difference.

19:10Okay, recap time. extreme altruists see helping, like donating a kidney, as intuitive, not extraordinary. But Abigail Marsh believes anyone can become more altruistic, like strengthening a muscle. Start small and make it enjoyable. Altruism grows with small intuitive acts of helping. Choose forms of giving that feel naturally rewarding and fit your personality. Helping is most effective and sustainable when it's internally motivated and aligned with your values. Get into the habit of giving by making concrete plans about when, where, and how you will help. And even brief, positive interactions like putting your phone away, making eye contact, saying hi and smiling, or offering small assistance.

19:58All of that strengthens social trust and can create meaningful long-term community impact. Spread those good vibes, my friend.

20:11That's it for this episode on altruism. In our next episode, we're going to get down and dirty practical tips on giving. Try This is produced and hosted by me, Christina Quinn, and Taylor White. Additional producing by Sharla Freeland. The show's editors are Thomas Liu and Kanya Krit von Kitkojorn. Sharla Freeland is also our video editor. Sound design and mixing is by Ted Muldoon and Sean Carter. Theme music is by Katherine Anderson. Show art is by Kati Wertis, with design editing from Christian Font and Greg Manifold. The things I learn on the show really do change how I move through the world, and I'd love to hear from you.

20:52Tell me what you took away from our course and how you make altruism a part of your everyday life. Record a voice memo or drop me a note at trythisatwashpost.com. The email address again is trythisatwashpost.com. Thanks for listening.