Stressed about the holidays? Carolyn Hax has advice.

0:00A biotech firm scaled AI responsibly. A retailer reclaimed hours lost to manual work. An automaker now spots safety issues faster. While these organizations are vastly different, what they have in common sets them apart. They all worked with Deloitte to help them integrate AI and drive impact for their businesses. Because Deloitte focuses on building what works, not just implementing what's new. The right teams, the right services and solutions. That is how Deloitte's clients stand out. Deloitte. Together makes progress. Carolyn, you've been doing this for a while. What is like the one question that you get year after year after year to the point where you're like, why do I keep getting this question?

0:48Why can't people get it in their heads? Like, what is that question for you? Oh, do I have to go to my family's Christmas? Really? Yes. What is the answer? You don't have to do anything. Like in life. And it's going to, in life, right. And it's like the sentence, do I have to blank? No. No.

1:13From the newsroom of The Washington Post, this is Post Reports. I'm Elahe Izadi. It's Tuesday, December 23rd. Today, I'm joined by advice columnist Carolyn Hacks to talk about how to navigate the holidays. Carolyn has been writing her advice column for The Post for nearly 30 years now. So she's seen and heard it all when it comes to messy relationships and tricky family dynamics, especially around this time of year. So today we brought Carolyn into the studio to answer some reader questions, and we're going to put her to the test with some tough holiday scenarios. Carolyn, thanks for joining me today.

1:52Thanks for having me. Are you ready for this? I don't know. I'm so excited. I've been wanting to talk to you about, I mean, all sorts of problems and issues because this is what you do. You have been doing this for many years now at The Post. You have seen and heard it all, like we said. And before we get into some of the specific questions that we received from readers, and I'm dying to hear what your answers are going to be, I'm just curious, what goes into your process for giving advice? Like, how do you actually decide what to tell someone? Because that's like such a vulnerable thing. Like you are, someone's asking you for your advice and you're basically telling them what they should do.

2:36Yeah. I actually decided very early on that I'm going to try not to tell them specifically what to do. It's more what thought process to bring to it because it's not my life. Oh. And I'm, what I would do in this situation is probably different from what this person would do. But I can lay out a bunch of thought processes. Okay, here are the major issues. This is the stuff, and I can also point out, I think this thing that you're worried about is a distraction. So I will look at everything that's in the letter and I'll say, I will say what I think the important stuff is. So when you say like you don't want to give specifics because it's not your life and so there's a danger in being too prescriptive?

3:18Exactly. Exactly. So all I can do is look at a situation and assess it to the best of my ability and say, OK, here's what I would think about if I were in this situation. And here are the decisions that I would make. And I have to take the person at their word. Right. Because or else we should all just pack it in. And I always love those comments, too. It's like, how do you know that this is true? I'm like, of course I don't. But, you know, can we just agree on some basic premise that somebody's telling the truth? You know, Carolyn, I know that you have been doing this weekly chat for a while.

3:53And like we said, you've been giving advice for many years and it's holiday season. And it just seems like around this time of year, there are these scenarios that come up time and time again. What is it about the holiday season that surfaces so many of these things for people? all. One of the joys of doing something for a long time is you get to see some things that start to, some patterns that develop in your own thinking and that you start to spot over time. And I've recognized that I personally have a real problem with the word should. Like, don't should at me. And I see people getting upset when they have a lot of should in their letters.

4:35I'm like, ooh, you know, what about that should thing? You know? And so with holidays, it's very should and very supposed to be. And so is my question right now about this, is what I'm doing right now about this, am I making decisions that advance the cause of making myself feel better? Yeah. Or am I just making myself miserable? Am I making the people around me miserable? Am I overspending? Am I overeating? Am I overstressing? Well, like Carolyn, what you were saying about the should, what I hear in that is the weight of expectation. Yes. And that there's so much saddled in this moment, but whatever issue is kind of underlying the dynamic between you and another person or you and multiple people is going to like be even more pronounced because it's this time of year.

5:25And just having the weight of the expectation makes it that much more difficult. Right. There's so much disappointment. I would almost go back to having it just be a day. If you can't get out of it what, But if you can't get the initial goals out of it, which is gather, feel some warmth, have some joy, then go back to having it be nothing. Yeah. And make it a day and then and maybe build back on onto that. And again, this is this is a source of criticism that I get that sometimes what I suggest is too individualistic. individualistic, but I think that every great group thing is built on the healthy individual, like you have healthy people coming together and building something great.

6:16And coming into this time of year with all of these shoulds and supposed to be and all these expectations, it's a really bad combination. Oh, it's like a recipe for disaster. Right. Okay. So with all of this in mind, let's dive into some of the questions that readers submitted this year. I have a few and I'm going to read them and I want to hear your take on each one. So the first one is titled, Not Cooking at My Mother's. So this person writes, Hi, Carolyn. Happy holidays. In an attempt to keep mine civil, I want to know what to do about my mother's kibitzing the holiday meal. For Thanksgiving, she couldn't come to us, so we went to her and she insisted that you were cooking.

6:59Okay, so I was perfectly fine with that. I prefer to do the turkey my way and the stuffing and the vegetables. So I go over the evening prior to prep the things and to make the morning's cooking go a little more smoothly. But when I arrived, she had already prepped the vegetables and started the stuffing. I sighed but helped her finish what was left. The following morning, when I came over with the turkey, thank everything holy I thought to keep it with me at the hotel in the full-sized fridge in our room okay I apparently put it in the wrong pan didn't use the foil correctly I bit my tongue and adjusted to my mother's instructions on how to cook the turkey the vegetables the stuffing but it was incredibly frustrating next time when I'm told that I'm cooking can I shoo her out of the kitchen into her living room so that she will leave me alone?

7:56Comments were made by my family about how the turkey, vegetables, and stuffing were different than last year. The under 10 child noted that my turkey looked better last year and why didn't I do the vegetables that way and they didn't like the stuffing and all that. Privately afterward, my mother basically said, you should have told me that X liked the turkey and vegetables and stuffing that way. And I said, how? You had already prepped the vegetables and stuffing before I even came over. And you told me the turkey would be better your way. So I did that. Okay. So I am just dreading Christmas now.

8:29Carolyn, suggestions? Yes, I have a suggestion. When she said you're cooking, you can come over, but you're cooking. That is mom saying it's too much for me. But she's not saying I don't want any part of this. Obviously, she doesn't want you shoving her out and taking over for her. Okay, but I have to ask, though, because, like, if she is saying by saying you're doing the cooking that it's too much for her, but then she starts doing all these things and then feels overwhelmed, like, what are you supposed to do? Well, she's not communicating well. Who's the mother? The mother. Okay. Is not communicating well.

9:13And the—I assume this is a daughter because— Yeah, I think that's the vibe. Since when? Anyway, but that's a whole other question. That's a whole other question we can ask. That's my question. But the daughter is not picking up what the mother is trying not to put down. So this is—and the thing is, this is just so common. This is so common. Oh, yeah. So the person who does it all these years is aging out of it and feeling very mixed feelings about this. And again, some feelings aren't mixed. It's like, yeah, I'm out. by. But some are like feeling really, really pained about this. Is it like a loss of purpose?

9:56Yes. Yes. This is a loss of like, I'm at the top. Like I am the matriarch. I am. I provide. I take care of you all. I am. You all come to me and I decide. And now I'm getting displaced. And now I'm going to be useless. I am going to be in the corner. Nobody's going to talk to me. You know, I'm dying. Like, I'm going to have no purpose. And this is really hard. So the mom is going through something really, really hard and doesn't want to talk about it, doesn't want to admit it, doesn't want to – isn't ready to write herself out but also isn't ready to do everything. And isn't ready to – and again, is not communicating this well, is not communicating her discomfort.

10:37And the child is not picking up on it. They're stuck on the surface, and this is way below the surface. This is mom needs a hug and a purpose that is not running the whole show. Okay, so in this case, what would you advise this person do? You know, I would say step back and say that your mom really desperately would be in charge of this whole meal if she could be, but feels like she can't be and wants help but doesn't want to be written out of her leading role and is not prepared to give it up. And so you two need to coordinate on how your mom can still be really vital and important, but not in charge.

11:22So this is where you decide, you talk to your mom about what do you feel you want to do? Like, what do you want to be in charge of? How much do you want to manage? And, you know, think about all those years with your mom. I mean, this is your mother, so you know what she takes pride in. Give her something that she takes pride in, and that's her job. And you absolutely count on her for that. So is there a dish that she loves or has got from her mother or that the kids are always excited about? Or is there a part of the meal that has always been important to her? Or is there a way of preparation?

12:06Is there a time of day that she has always insisted on serving? Some part of this has always been her signature. Build it around that and make sure that she is central somehow. But not being, again, not being the Thanksgiving meal master or the Christmas meal master. And that way you can still be in charge but with a much lighter hand. And I think you have to have a conversation with your family. Oh, yeah. That was the other part. I'm like, who cares about your kid? I'm sorry. Yes, you should care about what your kid wants. But it's a kid. Just feed them the stuffing. Like, who cares? Right. Come on.

12:42This is your mother. This is coming up, too, a lot. And I am just, I don't know. And maybe this is where I show my age. I'm with you. But where are these kids saying out loud, this stuffing tastes funny? Like, I would never, never. You know, my grandmothers? Yeah. And believe me, that stuffing tasted funny. But, I mean. You keep it to yourself like a good grandkid. Well, thanks, grandmother. Yeah. You know, and it was in my napkin. Like everybody else. Like everyone else. This woman lived through war. All right. Leave her alone. Okay. I have another one for you. And I'm very curious to see how you're going to deal with this one.

13:23Okay. This one is called Stepdad Chooses His Adult Daughter Over My Mother's Wishes for the Holidays. All right. This person writes, my 75 year old stepdad spent this Thanksgiving with his 45 year old daughter her husband and two teenage kids over my mom's wish that he join her she's 70 at a restaurant for Thanksgiving dinner with her adult children okay do we have like the setup there's like I know there's a lot of family relationships so it's like pretend I'm writing it's my stepdad he's married to my mom and he's got an adult kid and she's got her family. And the adult daughter insisted that rather than spending Thanksgiving with his wife and her kids, that he has to go with her.

14:09So he initially agreed to joining the four of us and planned to stick to his guns, but his daughter pressured him, saying her late mother would have expected it. She also belittled the restaurant experience, saying no one does that. She's very negative, and my stepdad is afraid to say no to her, even if it's something he doesn't want to do. He moaned for days about it, not looking forward to it. He and my mom have been married for eight years now. His widow told him to never remarry, and the daughter does not accept my mom or any of us in her life and is not nice to her. She said she doesn't need any more people in her life.

14:53In addition, she refers to her deceased mother constantly to my stepdad. Like, mom would have liked this or that. I'm trying to figure out the right way to handle these holiday conflicts. Hosting is too much work for my mom. Remember, she's 70. My stepsister does not engage with me and my siblings, which seems okay since we're all adults when our parents connected. They were all grown up. It's not like they were kids when their parents got married. So my stepdad does everything with my mom. So this separation is hard on them, even though he made the final decision. This scenario repeats often.

15:28My mom feels hurt and frustrated. Carolyn, thoughts, please. You can't win against a 45-year-old daughter who is using the dead mother argument against her father. like let's have just the living people determine this so we're already it's over like there's no there's no winning this so but anyway but i'm i'm so far down a side path because here's the thing the person who wrote this letter has no place in this debate this is the this is i mean this is the couple's issue this is not the daughter's issue she says to her 70 year old mother remarried mother in this scenario, like, what can I do to help?

16:19That's the answer. That's it. Like, this is not her issue. This is the mother's issue with her husband. She's totally over, you know, just over-involved here. Wow. I was not expecting you to say that. Like, this is not her marriage. This is not her marriage. This is not your problem to fix. Yeah, like, this is not her problem to fix. So just, okay, absolutely, Mom. We'll have a wonderful holiday. I'm sorry your husband is caught up with the daughter stuff, but obviously we're here for you and we'll have a wonderful holiday. What do you need? That's it. That's the only place you have here. Yeah.

16:56Okay, so that feels like very clear-cut advice for the person who wrote in the daughter. But if the mother wrote in and laid out this scenario, what should the mother do? Yeah. I think it's—well, it's one of those things. So you're in this marriage and your spouse has, it seems like, no spine. Wow, Carolyn. All right. Well, seriously. I mean, seriously, misplaced priorities. Like you're letting your 45-year-old child manipulate you with either complex grief or just manipulative intent. And I think it's one of those where you say, do you want to stay married? And if you do want to stay married, then you say, well, I will be with my family.

17:49When you figure your stuff out, we're here. Whoa, it's like at that level for you with this kind of a question. Listen, if this, you know, the 70-year-old wife that we're talking about cannot change her husband's mind herself. Yeah, of course. She can ask. She can say what her position is and what her feelings are. She can tell him the cost of his capitulation to his daughter, to her emotionally. She can say the emotional cost to her. But she cannot do anything besides that and leaving. Okay, can I, not that I'm an advice columnist, but I wonder if there's like a third path where the mom, the one in the marriage, could look within herself and ask herself, you know, what is the importance of this for her?

18:52and if she asks her husband exactly like yes you complain all the time about doing this you don't want to do it but then you end up doing like are you doing this because you're still grieving are you doing this because you feel like if you don't do this you're going to lose a connection with your daughter like what is it that you actually why you're doing this and then ask like well what do you need certainly yes I mean this is and and this is they can have longer conversations about Like, do you do you need counseling? You know, there's there are obviously a lot of conversations about what what that family has needed.

19:28Yeah. There's obviously conversation. Sure. But it's more of the and also there's the looking inward. Like, am I not giving enough options in what we want to do? You know, am I always saying my family? It's got to be this way. Right, it's got to be this way. You know, are we not arranging? I mean, what I was saying is the end point. Like, we have talked all of this stuff out. Right, right. And we are at the impasse. So where now? Like, well, you have a decision. Yeah. And, you know, and I just, and I will not do the endless banging of the head against the wall. After the break, Carolyn gives more advice to readers, and I throw her some fastball holiday questions.

20:18We'll be right back.

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21:03Okay, so I have one more question from a reader. This one is a little heavier. it's called just family holidays hi carolyn my sister died a year ago and her son lives with me and my daughter both kids are in fifth grade her husband so my deceased sister's husband was living with us after getting out of prison but no longer is after stealing money from me i gave him a chance and now he is no longer welcome here and i have no contact with him He sees his son, my nephew, at my parents' home, which is where we have Thanksgiving, and that's the first time seeing him since Labor Day. My question, though, is about Christmas at our house.

21:47The two kids are so excited about waking up together on Christmas morning, and I'm torn about whether or not I let my brother-in-law over to share it with his son. I know my nephew will be sad if his dad is not here. What do you think? this is so heavy this is so heavy yeah i just but but the thing about this question that stands out to me is it's so heavy but at the core of it it's like what about this tradition with this child this morning like this is where the heaviness kind of manifests right so how do you navigate it uh well obviously the the christmas element of it is is just the the most symbolic and painful representation of a much bigger question, which is at some point, if the person writing the letter is raising this child as a parent, I don't think that having no contact with the father is tenable long-term.

22:51So what should she do if she's not comfortable with him being in her home? No, that I understand. Like, okay, you can't live with us. That I get. You stole from me, you can't live with us. That is an absolutely rational, acceptable, and responsible limit. But I think the Christmas question is forcing a reckoning with a bigger question of what is

23:16practical with this child living with us? What is healthy for the kid? This is one of those situations where I have to know my limits and I would want anyway, given the situation, I would want a child psychologist on the scene in this family on call, if not already, as soon as possible. I mean, that might not be practical for them. I don't know their financial situation. Yeah, but it's one of those where you talk to the state, and I know I'm sounding naive here, but really when you start working at it, you can find people who will, you can find some resources. You can find some resources. You want somebody, the person raising this child, the person writing in, needs to have somebody to consult.

24:10Yeah, yeah. This is a, you know, the mother died, right? Yeah. So this is a dead mother and this is an imprisoned father. Mm-hmm. Who was imprisoned. who was in prison and now is out. So this is a child trauma. And so you want, I am not going to answer a Christmas question without answering the fundamental question of, please get, you know, please get somebody on the scene for you. Yeah, like a professional support. And what I'm hearing in your answer is this is not about the logistics of what to do on Christmas morning. This is about, actually, you're now recognizing that this is going to be one of many scenarios that are going to come up for you as you raise this child.

24:50And so now is the time to have some kind of intervention with a professional to help center what is in the child's best interest because clearly she is keeping that in mind. Yes, and this is obviously a lovely, like very responsible and mindful now parental figure for this child, which is amazing. And I think it is so important now to have the backup of a qualified professional. Yeah. Now, the kind of advice I might give for since Christmas is bearing down on us, I might say, hey, you know, the the perfect solution is to find maybe some off site, like just solution like a, you know, throw something together for Christmas to make it work.

25:34Like, let's have. Yeah. Until we figure this out. Until we figure this out. And again, you've got the best thing there, which is a loving parental situation. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

25:46So, Carolyn, to finish out, I want to throw you some rapid-fire questions. These are a mix of scenarios inspired by questions you receive year after year and just ones that we're curious about. I'm just going to present a scenario to you with a yes or no option and just have you choose one and briefly explain. So, are you ready? I'm ready. Okay, here we go. So you don't get along with your brother-in-law, but your partner really wants you both to go to his annual holiday party. Do you or don't you go? You go. Grow up. Behave. Behave. All right, next. I love it. Okay, speaking of holiday parties, your workplace has one every year and people bring their partners as their plus one.

26:37You don't have one. Can you bring a friend instead? I would read that situation. I mean, different workplaces, different vibes. So basically what you need is secondary to what your career needs. Okay. You get a gift that you hate from your partner. Do you fake it that you like it or do you be honest? It depends if it's chronic. I mean, sometimes a bad gift is just a really wonderful partner missing the mark. And sometimes it's another symptom of a partner who has no idea who you are or doesn't care. Okay, I'm sorry. What if they're just terrible at giving gifts? Like, I'm so bad at giving gifts.

27:20Yeah. Oh, me too. Horrible. You want cash this year, right? Yeah, yeah. I'm like, can I just come clean your house for you? Yeah, exactly. Yeah, so I think basically you always go to the deeper level of, wow, this person thought of me and loves me and gave me something out of love. And you go, thank you. Okay, so don't be like, this is an awful gift. How dare you? Unless it's like a sign of something deeper. Right, yeah. Okay. Your parents and your in-laws are both hosting holiday dinners at the same time. Whose do you go to? The one you owe more at the moment. Wait, what? I'm sorry. Like, what do you mean the one you owe more at the moment?