Motherhood Q&A: Finding Yourself After Baby and New Mom Anxiety

0:00And when we first got home, I kind of set a challenge for myself and said, okay, each week I want to check something new off the list and do something that scares me. And it's really hard not to unless you fully log off the app, but you end up comparing your experience or your baby to other parents' babies. It's like the first time in your life where you're like, wow, we are so biologically different. I tried to time it as perfectly as I could, but it ended up being right at the beginning of a nap time. I start freaking out. I call Greg. I'm like, this is a disaster. He's screaming. I can't even hear Greg because Kai is screaming so loud.

0:38This is the Pursuit of Wellness podcast, and I'm your host, Mari Llewellyn.

0:45Hi, guys. Welcome back to the Pursuit of Wellness. Today we're just going to have a casual chat about motherhood and mental health and kind of like things I've been doing to inch back into normalcy. Maybe not full normalcy but into like my new life, my new identity and things that are making me feel good. That can be a tough challenge when you are postpartum. I think finding yourself and getting out of your baby bubble can be really challenging and like scary. And I've kind of been pushing myself and getting some reps in to kind of get more comfortable going out with the baby, kind of embracing this new lifestyle.

1:34And I wanted to talk about it because it's been something that has had like a big impact on me lately and just kind of share some of the things that have been making me feel good right now and maybe it will be inspiring if you're a new mom or I don't know if you can relate in some way. One thing someone said to me with having a baby is that it really is about just getting in the reps and the more you do it and the more you challenge yourself the easier it becomes. So for example I was terrified to drive Kai for the first time and that might sound crazy if you don't have a baby. But driving with the baby by yourself is really scary.

2:15You, first of all, they're like these precious, perfect, it's like your heart outside of your chest. You're like, I don't want to put them in harm's way. I don't want to do anything too crazy. You know, it was one thing to have Greg drive us and me sit in the back with him. Oh my gosh, I'm now thinking about like our first outing as a family. We would just drive five minutes away. I would sit in the back with Kai. We would get there. I would put him in the carrier. We'd walk around and then go home. And even that, honestly, at the beginning felt really good. And I was always so proud. And when we first got home, I kind of set a challenge for myself and said, okay, each week, I want to check something new off the list and do something that scares me.

2:58Because I knew if I waited too long, I would get too intimidated. And the anticipation would stop me from actually doing it. So I remember like using the carrier for the first time felt like a huge deal or doing our first car ride, going to an appointment, like these things all feel really scary and still you until you start doing them regularly. And I just want to be real about some of my experiences because I think another problem with social media, I feel like I spend a lot of time talking about problems with social media, but I think something that happens in the mum community is you end up comparing and it's really hard not to unless you fully log off the app but you end up comparing your experience or your baby to other parents and babies and it's really hard not to especially when you're a new mom and you're trying to figure out how things should look right now like oh that that mom takes her baby to restaurants all the time how is she doing that like how is she so confident how is her baby so chill why isn't mine chill like you end up spiraling about these things.

4:04And what I've realized is by talking to people in real life, we're all thinking that about each other because we're presenting the best version of that outing, right? Like for all we know, that mom posted a photo of her baby smiling at a restaurant when he could have just had a giant blowout, screamed, and it could have been a disaster. We don't know, right? And I think the presentation of everything is what is confusing. So at the beginning, I remember thinking, oh my gosh, I never go out with Kai. And that was partially because we were having major gas problems at the beginning. But just seeing people go out and about with their babies and feeling like I was behind.

4:46But again, like, I'm sure at moments I've felt I've made people feel like that too. So I think talking about it is important. I'll give you guys an example. So So I've been getting more comfortable with driving Kai by myself. And I wouldn't say he loves the car. Like he's definitely not obsessed with the car. Sometimes he's great. A lot of times he's not great, or he's just crying. And I've tried to make a setup back there with his baby Einstein aquarium to look at and a spinner on the window and we have his Pasi in and whatever. But sometimes he still just cries. And, you know, I keep trying to tell myself like, it's okay.

5:27He's crying. I can see him. He's safe. We're going to be there in two minutes. But sometimes it gets so bad that you have to pull over. So this happened to me the other day. I was like, I'm going to go visit Greg at the office. I've been so excited to bring Kai to the Bloom office. Huge deal. He's the Bloom baby. And I was like, I'm going to do it today. And I was feeling really confident because we've been going out with him more and more and more. so I get him in the car and also like just now experiencing this it's hard to like I'm still getting my reps in and getting used to things but loading in the car seat it's so the doona is so heavy you guys like I don't get me wrong I love it it's so convenient but it is so freaking heavy and Kai is so heavy he's 18 pounds at three months old so he's a big baby hauling him into the car is like a mission.

6:20So doing that, getting my bag, getting my Stanley, whatever, my Hydro Flask in the car, making sure he's in frame on the camera, making sure he has his toys, getting going, getting his music going, driving, and then just the whole time being like, please don't cry, please don't cry, please don't cry. And this day, this particular day, and this is what also gets me, right? Like the baby's schedule, especially when they're so little, is so difficult to plan around because their wake windows are pretty short. They're like 60 to 90 minutes. And right now we don't have set nap times yet. He's basically napping every two hours or so and eating every three to four hours.

7:01So I tried to time it as perfectly as I could, but it ended up being right at the beginning of a nap time, which was not ideal. He was super tired and super grumpy. So he is screaming bloody murder on the way to the office. And at first I'm like, okay, he'll get over it in a second. And I'm like, it's okay. It's okay. We're going, we're going. And you know, when you hit the threshold of like, okay, I can deal with this. And then you're like, no, no, no, no, no. I'm freaking out. I need to get back there and help him. I start freaking out. I call Greg. I'm like, this is a disaster. He's screaming.

7:34I can't even hear Greg because Kai is screaming so loud. I end up pulling over in downtown Austin on a sketchy part of town. I get out, I get Kai out and I'm pushing him back and forth. And he, I felt so bad. He was so upset. His eyes were like closing. He was so tired. I was like, oh my gosh, I feel so. And again, like you make everything your fault when you're the mom, but you're like, I feel so guilty for taking him out of the house. I shouldn't have done this. It was just not, not good. And it definitely traumatized me a little bit. We made it to the office eventually. But by the time we got here, I was so traumatized by the drive that I didn't stay for very long.

8:14I was like, oh, this is too much. And you know, like when something kind of feels like it went wrong, it's hard to not, it's hard to not let it knock your confidence. So that was one situation that I had that really scared me. But what I did was made sure I went out again. So I went out today. We went to baby music class. Very exciting. I've been like waiting for this day, guys. And I know he's probably too young for it, but I just want to get my reps in and get myself out of the house and do fun things and be around mums. So I went to this baby music class. He did great in the car. He did great in the car.

8:51So it was so cute. We were singing in Spanish. I actually am learning a lot of Spanish right now and I'm really enjoying it, but it was so cute to be around other babies and get Kai out of the house. He did really good in the class. He did fall asleep within 20 minutes, but that's okay. Took a good nap. And yeah, I was really proud of us for doing it again and seeing that it doesn't always have to be a disaster. Those things are going to happen every now and again. But I always remind myself like, you know what to do if he's crying. Like it's not like it's the end of the world. You know how to soothe him.

9:25He's either tired, hungry, or gassy most of the time. So we've definitely been getting him out more. We take him on, we took him on a date night with us last weekend, which was so fun to be on a date with Greg and just have Kai there. And he did so well. And it was way more fun, like having the baby. And I definitely always dreamed of being people that brought our baby be with us as much as possible. And that's proved to be harder than I imagined. But just life is more fun with him there. Honestly, seeing him experience things for the first time brings me so much joy. And I'm really, really proud of us for like getting out there more.

10:04So yeah, those things have been making me feel a lot better. I've also been getting in my workouts. I'm definitely on Fitness Journey 2.0, wanting to regain some strength, some muscle, feel good, training three times a week right now. My body is so sore, but it's feeling amazing. I feel like I'm seeing some progress, I think. Okay. I think I said this in a previous episode, but Greg and I have a setup and maybe people think this is crazy, but this is what we did on my first fitness journey. Greg weighs me and I don't like to look at the scale because I don't want to know the number. And he'll just tell me how much I've lost in that week or in that couple weeks, which makes me feel motivated and good, but I don't spiral over a number.

10:51But also I think the scale is like not the best way of measuring progress because if you're gaining muscle, you may not see the weight fall off. Things just look different, I think, like in clothing and body composition. So I focus more on that, but don't get me wrong. I have not lost a lot of weight yet. Like the breastfeeding journey really kept me stalled for a while. And now I feel like I'm getting, I'm just feeling better and better. I think working out, you know, seeing other mom friends, saying yes to things when I can and have the energy to, and, you know, going on walks or having a glass of wine, even just having people over at the house to see the baby, like those things are really good for my brain because otherwise I get very stuck in routine and kind of isolating myself by accident.

11:42But I'm going to answer a couple questions from you guys. I asked about, you know, motherhood, mental health, breastfeeding, etc. So let's see what you guys had to ask. What formula did you guys decide to use? Right now we're using the hip goat formula, which is imported from the Netherlands, I believe, and we're really liking it. I know there's a lot of different options. That's the one we're using right now. We'll see how it goes. And I'll keep you guys posted. This one cracked me up. How do I cope with slight resentment towards my partner that he sleeps more than me? Honestly, guys, I think having a baby and being pregnant is, I think I said this before, and I'm sorry if I'm not making sense still, my brain is still reforming, but it is like such a big realization.

12:35And this might sound obvious, but you have to experience it. It's like the first time in your life where you're like, wow, we are so biologically different. They never have to be pregnant. They never have to give birth. They never have to breastfeed. They never have to go through fertility journeys necessarily. I mean, I'm not saying men don't go through hardships, but it's just different. And I think when you have a baby, it's like this crazy moment of they aren't built the same and they don't necessarily have the same like when we have our babies we're like you know I am constantly listening out for Kaya's cry I am attuned to his emotions I'm tapped into what he wants at all times he is my number one everything.

13:25He's all I think about. And men aren't necessarily built that way. And I think going through a period of resentment is normal. And I wish someone had told me that because at first I was like, is something wrong with me? What's going on? And I just had to speak to some other new moms and have them validate me because I was like, this is not what I expected, but you kind of have to go through that and accept it. And I think I've gotten to the point of acceptance now and I'm actually feeling way better about things. But for the first couple months, I also had resentment. And I think it's very normal and natural.

13:59And I think we need to talk about it more. When did you start to feel like yourself again? Currently four weeks postpartum. I'm not even close to feeling like myself. I don't even know who I am right now. So I hope that makes you feel better. Four weeks postpartum is nothing. I'm three weeks postpartum and I'm so confused. So this podcast is literally my vocal diary where I'm figuring out what the hell's going on. So I hope that makes you feel better. We can find ourselves together. How to deal with guilt from weaning at six months. I feel like I should keep going. You know, I think it's like deep down, you know what the right thing is.

14:41If you know that it's taking away joy and it's making you so anxious or you're not enjoying it anymore, then you know it's the right thing to wean off of it. I understand the guilt. I really do. And there's not much I can say to remove that. But I think you being happier will only benefit your baby more, if that makes sense. A lot of questions about vaccines. Guys, I still am still trying to figure this out as well. The one thing I will say, we are doing a DNA test on Kai to see how we can best support him handle vaccines if we choose to do them and see what his detox pathways are. So I don't know if that's something your pediatrician can offer, but I'm excited to see the results of that.

15:28How are you dealing with breastfeeding hunger? I feel like I need to eat 24-7. Yeah, I felt the same way. I felt like it was really difficult for me to exercise. I was very dehydrated all the time, dizzy, constantly needed to eat more. I think it's normal when you're producing milk, like you're feeding another human, you know, so don't feel too bad about it and make sure you are, you know, nourishing yourself the way you need to. People are asking about sleep training. Okay, so I'm a little bit confused about sleep training. Is that like the cry it out method? Like what exactly does that mean?

16:02Because we have done some sleep training, like we do a dream feed we're trying to stretch him as long as possible we have a set routine every night but we don't do official sleep training maybe at some point we will if we need to I'm struggling right now with getting him down for naps I did make a post about that I think he's hit the point where he's having like FOMO because he's way more aware and tapped into to real life and he doesn't want to miss out on anything. He's also just so heavy. So bouncing him around or like swaying him is killing my back, guys. So I would be curious to hear about your, you know, sleep training routines, everyone.

16:46Oh, I did recently download taking Cara babies, is Kara. Oh my, okay. Her name on Instagram is taking care of babies, but her name's Kara. But in my accent, it doesn't really work. When you say in an American accent, taking Kara babies. Now I get it. Now I get it. I was like taking Kara babies doesn't make sense. Sorry, just me computing what's going on. I downloaded her newborn bundle to get advice on getting babies down to sleep faster. I've done one course so far and I will you guys posted on how I like it. How are you dealing with the guilt of taking time for you or feeling frustrated when the baby's fussy?

17:26Great questions. The guilt is real. I do struggle with that. Like if I leave the house without him for a couple hours, by the end of it, I'm always itching to go home and see him and feeling horrible that I left. But when I speak to my other more seasoned mom friends or mom friends with multiple babies, they always tell me like, it is so important for you to feel fulfilled and happy to come back and be so present with your baby and feel really like missing them is kind of okay sometimes. I have a hard time wrapping my head around that one too. I think biologically we're just like we need to be with them 24-7.

18:00Yeah another question how do you handle making time for yourself and not feeling guilty? I think just trying to remind myself like I will be a better mom. You know what I actually do just to be honest is I look at the calendar and if I have a busy day, I'm like, okay, Thursday's really busy, but I know I have this big window of time on Friday. I'm going to make sure that we do something really special. Like I'm going to get the tent outside and we'll go play together and we'll go on a walk. And I want to do that music class with him, whatever it is. And that makes me feel better. And maybe that's toxic of me, but just sort of like setting up my week and I'm a big scheduler calendar girl.

18:40If I see that is a day that I'm not with him and like as much as I would like to be I make sure that the next day is a big Kai day and Sunday is our family day like we are me Greg and Kai are together the entire day we do everything together and I always know I have that day coming up as well do you have hired help yes we don't have family nearby so I have a nanny and she's like a member of our family at this point. She is awesome. I love her. And we're like partners in the daytime and we kind of like divide and conquer or we do things together. And it's great. She's awesome. And I feel very lucky to have found her.

19:24Travel must-haves with newborns. It's less than I thought. Honestly, you need a toiletry bag with a diaper, wipes, a changing pad, a change of clothes, pacifiers, a couple toys, a blanket, the doona, burp cloth. That's kind of it, you know, like I thought I would need way more stuff, but it's really not that bad. Oh, C-section scar revision process. So my scar really isn't that bad. It's like this big red line. I used silicone tape. I need to start using that again. I've lost it. I need to find that. I've done some dry needling on my scar, which helps collagen production. You can also get massage work done, which helps break up the scar tissue and the fascia.

20:15I've done some skin rolling, which can help with scar healing. And I also had exosomes injected into my scar when I got my stem cell treatment done. So there's a few things you can do. You can also do self massages, which is kind of like circular motions over the scar to break up that tissue and red light therapy. Those are some of the things I've done for my scar. What things did your doula help with leading up to birth? We talked about positions, we talked about breathing, we kind of talked through like what the day might look like. We didn't do that much prep beforehand honestly. Most of my prep came from my hypnobirthing class and working with a pelvic floor therapist.

21:01How are you coping with Kai's fussy times? Honestly, I think the biggest thing with the fussy moments is like self-regulation, which has been a big learning lesson for me because I am someone who can get stressed out easily or very anxious. And that's sort of like in my family, honestly, is kind of how we were raised. and that's not how I want to be as a parent like I want to be very intentional about not bringing that energy in and I think if Kai is freaking out and I'm freaking out that's not going to help the situation so it's kind of my job as the parent to take a deep breath self-regulate and be calm for him so that when I'm soothing him he can feel that my heart rate is slow I'm not freaking out.

21:46I'm not like bringing chaotic energy into the mix. You know, singing, swaying. He loves to go outside and hear the water or look at the trees. I think going outside is a really good reset for them. Sometimes turning the fan on and just getting some air going. The pacifier, you know, I think like for some reason our parents' generation thought the pacifiers were like horrible. The pediatrician encourages the use of them if, you know, it's helpful. So I feel good about using it and it helps Kai. Not every baby takes one, but he seems to like it. And yeah, just being patient, I think is the biggest thing.

22:26So I think I will leave that episode there. I'm excited to see what you guys want me to talk about next as I continue on my postpartum motherhood journey and I appreciate the patience with you know these conversations I'm still definitely figuring things out still finding myself still finding my groove and I appreciate kind of learning with you guys and for you giving me a space to do that so love you so much don't forget to subscribe leave a review and I'll see you in the next one bye thank you for joining us on the pursuit of wellness podcast to support this show please rate and review and share with your loved ones if you want to be reminded of new episodes click the subscribe button on your preferred podcast or video player you can sign up for my newsletter to receive my favorites at marilowellan.com it will be linked in the show notes this podcast is a pursuit network production brought to you by michaela phillips joel contartese daviel waldner and mckenzie myzel you can also watch the full video of each episode on our YouTube channel at Pursuit of Wellness Podcast.

23:36Love you, Power Girls and Power Boys. I will see you next time. The content of this show is for educational and informational purposes only. It is not a substitute for individual medical and mental health advice and does not constitute a provider-patient relationship. As always, talk to your doctor or health team.

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