My Birth Story

0:00I need to issue an apology. I just feel overstimulated a lot. So be patient with me if I'm all over the place. Let's talk birth. Okay. I want to give you guys the full rundown. I remember the anticipation of him coming was just giving me so much anxiety. I don't think I could have predicted how crazy I felt at the end. And I click on the voicemail and it says, please do not come to the hospital. We are at capacity. I look at my doula and I'm like, what's going on? What's happening? And she's like keeping me calm, but I can tell that something's like not, not right. This is the Pursuit of Wellness podcast and I'm your host, Mari Llewellyn.

0:45Hi guys, welcome back to the Pursuit of Wellness podcast. It has been so long. I think I checked back yesterday and I haven't recorded since February and I was super pregnant and that was like a one-off episode. I don't remember the last time I did an interview. I think it was before I was pregnant. You guys will probably remember better than me, but we are back. I'm so excited. I'm currently pretty much exactly three months postpartum. I feel like a different person. I was just chatting with the team outside and it's crazy how much your brain and perspective on life changes. So it's actually pretty crazy to sit back down and do this show because I've been doing the show for like, I don't know, three years at this point.

1:30And I've been through so much on the microphone with you guys, fertility, acne, diet, wellness, women's health, all the things. And now I'm sitting here as a mom and also just as someone who is trying to find themselves again. I think that's like the biggest piece of this is refinding like who I am now, postpartum, obviously going through a healing fitness journey, essentially like starting all over again. And it's kind of fun that I get to do it with you guys this time. And I'm just excited to connect with other moms who listen. Maybe you're not a mom and you're just excited to hear about the journey.

2:13Either way, thank you for being so patient with me. I feel like I definitely went through a time where I needed to step back during IVF and pregnancy and having a baby. And I just feel really excited to be creative again. For me, this is very much like a creative outlet and a place where I get to connect with you guys. I definitely started to feel ready again. I was having a lot of ideas of episodes I wanted to do, things I wanted to talk about, guests I'd like to have on in the future. And I was like, okay, I think it's time. With that said, I'm still so, so, so freshly postpartum. My brain is a little mushier than usual.

2:54If you've had a baby recently, you know. Anytime I'm talking to another adult, my brain is like split in half, thinking about minutes, ounces, when did he last eat, when's his next nap, what's he doing now. I just feel overstimulated a lot. So be patient with me. If I'm all over the place, you know what's going on. But I also think it's going to be really good for me to just get out of the house and kind of feel like myself again, because I definitely have been in a little bit of a baby cave is what I will call it. And it just feels really fun and exciting to be out and about and doing something that I love.

3:32And I saw a lot of your guys' feedback just with the excitement of having the show again. It means so much that you guys are still interested in tuning in. And I so appreciate it. So I have a lot of episodes in mind. I think we're going to start with some solos because we have so much to catch up on. The birth story is a big one. I did post it on TikTok, but I didn't have time to go fully in depth. And a lot of you told me that you do not even have TikTok on your phone, which you're better than us because that is a great thing to not have TikTok on your phone. You don't need it, okay? Don't even go there.

4:12So I'm going to dive into the birth story. I'm also going to do an episode where I answer a bunch of your guys' questions. In the future, I definitely want to talk about, my breastfeeding journey, my current fitness journey, what I'm thinking to just feel like myself again, which is going to take a lot of time. Before I hop into the birth story, also, I want to issue an apology, which is so dramatic of me, but one second. I need to issue an apology. A lot of moms have said to me that they've had this experience that when they have a baby, they all of a sudden want to go apologize to their mom friends for not having understanding of what was going on.

4:56And I also had that experience. I was like, wow, I couldn't have even pictured what this would be like. And I even apologized to some of my mom friends. I was just like, I'm sorry that I didn't understand. I mean, I'm a pretty empathetic person, so I'm not like there's nothing really to apologize for, but you just have this sudden feeling of like, wow, moms go through this crazy experience. And before you have a baby, you just don't know. And there's just like a certain level of connection and empathy that happens after you have a baby. And I also was just thinking of any time on this podcast that I've interviewed someone or covered a topic that involves babies, motherhood, formula, birth, whatever, because I've had a lot of guests on the show who are in the health industry and have strong opinions one way or the other.

5:47And I just think speaking on those topics before you have a baby is, I don't know what word to use. It's naive and maybe a little, it was a little ignorant of me and I want to apologize because I've learned so much through my experience. And if I could go back and kind of have more of an understanding around certain things, I would love to do that. So anyway, a great learning for me. And also just like, it is really cool to connect with other moms and kind of have this universal experience that we all go through of like, it really is like an upheaval of who you are and what your life is. So anyway, before I go too deep into that, let's talk birth.

6:31Okay. I want to give you guys the full rundown. I didn't even really go into that much detail on my TikTok because it gives you a limited amount of time, which is why I'm so excited to be podcasting again because I really feel like this is my platform. I love podcasting. Let's go back. It's so crazy how you don't remember being pregnant. Like it is biologically bizarre that we get pregnant and go through all this stuff and then just completely forget about it once you have the baby. Like that's kind of diabolical. But I was getting super pregnant and I never really had a super intense birth plan.

7:10Let me say that. I think a lot of people assumed that I would be maybe a lot crunchier than I was, like at home birth, unmedicated, which actually was never my intention. To be honest, after going through IVF and having to give myself shots every day for months and months and months and going through everything I went through to get pregnant and the trauma of that, I was kind of like, I just want to have a relatively good experience. Like I don't want to kind of, I'm not in the mindset to take a risk and I'm not in a mindset to like take on a lot of pain right now, if that makes sense. I have a lot of respect for how women go about their births and honestly couldn't care less.

7:53Like do what makes you happy. If a hospital birth makes you happy, if an at-home birth makes you happy, do what makes you happy. I think that's a big learning lesson for me in motherhood. It's like everyone should really just do what makes them feel their best because ultimately that's going to be the best outcome. But for me, I definitely did a lot of prep. I did hypnobirthing classes because I just wanted to learn about breathing and mindset for birth. I did pelvic floor therapy. I worked out. I definitely had a vaginal birth in mind, but I was completely open to epidural. I wanted it to be in the hospital, but I was pretty set on it being a vaginal birth.

8:34That's the one thing I was really wanting. I also will say, I think having been an IVF mom and having some complications at the beginning, that scared me. And I was like, I definitely want to be in a hospital because I never want to feel scared. So that maybe changed my perspective on it too. But again, I'm not a medical professional and to each their own. I'm just speaking on my experience. So anyway, I'm super pregnant. We're getting closer and closer to the due date, which was December 5th. Okay. And I am really uncomfortable. Like my first and second trimester were pretty chill. Didn't have nausea, really didn't have any major symptoms.

9:17I felt great looking back. My third trimester was brutal. I had really bad carpal tunnel. I had horrible pain. And it's funny because I like can't even remember now like what it was like, but I had tingling and pain in my hands and wrists like at all times to the point where I could barely like write with a pen, weight lift. So I was doing like ice baths on my hands every day. I ended up getting cortisone shots in both hands, which fixed the problem. And they told me it was like a very severe case of carpal tunnel, which completely went away when I delivered Kai. They say it happens from all the fluid and pressure in the body cutting off certain blood flow, I think.

10:03But anyway, I had a carpal tunnel. I was not sleeping. I had really bad pregnancy insomnia. And I was also just in a lot of pain in my feet. In general, I was just very, very uncomfortable in my third trimester. for some reason I thought that I would go into labor early and I think a lot of first-time moms believe that they will go into labor early which often is not the case like when you are a first-time mom generally you're going a week or two past your due date which is something that I don't know why anyway I was getting closer and closer to the due date I remember Thanksgiving I was like convinced that he was going to come on Thanksgiving and he absolutely wasn't even close to coming on Thanksgiving.

10:45I was going into the OBGYN to get checked. I got cervical checks done. I think I was like maybe a centimeter dilated. I was doing everything, guys. I was doing raspberry leaf tea, dates. I was walking a ton. I was like sidestepping on the sidewalks. I was doing the mile circuit, which is where you're like upside down for 30 minutes. It was pretty brutal. none of it worked and I have like a little bit of an obsessive way of thinking and I remember the anticipation of him coming was just giving me so much anxiety I don't think I could have predicted how crazy I felt at the end because every day I was like today's the day today's the day today's the day tonight's the night tonight's the night and it obviously didn't happen and I was kind of losing my mind.

11:33And I was getting like coffee with other expecting moms and we were talking about it. And one of my friends was like, you know, why don't you just induce? Like, why don't you go in and induce the labor, which is when you can choose to have Pitocin and Pitocin induces labor. It's like a medication. And that was something I always said I didn't want to do. And that's the thing, guys. My biggest learning from motherhood and birth and all of it is to just let go of expectations and let go of control because you think you're going to be one way and then you're in it and that completely changes and that's okay.

12:10And I think, you know, I'll speak more about this when you hear the rest of the story, but the decision to induce was kind of my first moment of being like, okay, I think letting go of what I thought that I wanted and what I thought would happen is just what has to happen right now. I have to let go control. So I decided if Kai is not here or the baby is in here by early December, I'm going to induce because I was getting so uncomfortable at this point. I went to the OBGYN. We did another check. It wasn't looking like any, like much progress had been made. And they said, well, if you want, we can offer you, I think it was like a 6 a.m.

12:55induction appointment on December 4th. And I looked at Greg and he was like, wait, that's, this appointment was so funny because I think it was the moment that Greg realized we were actually having a baby. A lot of men, like, it takes them a minute to wrap their head around it. And he was like, wait, that's like next week. And I was like, yeah, great. Like, let's get this baby out. Like, let's go. And he was like, whoa, whoa, whoa, I gotta, I gotta wrap some things up at work. And I was like, okay, get back to the office, go wrap them up like we're having a baby. So I agreed to the 6am induction on December 4th, which was crazy.

13:33It was kind of crazy to know that it was coming, but it also gave me a week to try everything. Like I kept doing the miles circuit. I was really giving it my all. I didn't go down the path of like um, castor oil or some of those more extreme routes. I was just sort of, you know, walking and doing the tea and everything like that. Anyway, we get to December 4th, baby is not here. So we prep for going to the hospital. All the bags were packed, my bag, baby's bag. Greg didn't really bring that much, to be honest with you guys. Um, but we were ready to go and we woke up at 4am on December 4th, I was so nervous.

14:15Like I'll never forget the day before the induction, my heart was racing and it was partially about birth and like the pain of birth. But it was also like my whole life is about to change. And I feel like Lulu's not ready. Arnold's not ready. Oh my gosh. Like is our marriage going to be the same? Like you have all these crazy like fears going into it. And it's weird because you technically have nine months to prepare for it, but you really, it all hits you right before. So I was super duper nervous. We woke up at 4 a.m. December 4th. I'm like getting ready to go, doing my skincare, wearing my little sweat set I wanted to wear for the day of birth.

14:57And I eat my breakfast. We're headed out the door and I check my phone really quick just before we get in the car. And I had three missed voicemails from the hospital. And I'm like, wait, what's going on? And I click on the voicemail and it says, please do not come to the hospital. We are at capacity. And I look at Greg and I'm like, wait, we're not going to the hospital right now. I had three messages. Do not come. Do not come. Do not come. We are full. I was like, what do you mean? You were full. Like, am I not giving birth today? Like, this is crazy. I am mentally prepared to give birth today.

15:37So I end up getting on the phone with the hospital and they say, yep, we are full. We are going to try and get you in this morning, but no promises. And I'm so tired at this point because I've had no sleep. So I'm like, you know what? The best thing I can probably do is go back to bed and get more sleep because if I'm giving birth today, I want to be well rested. So somehow I go back to bed. I give Greg my phone to keep an eye out for the hospital calling. He wakes me up around 8 a.m. and he's like, they called, we're going in, they have room. So I'm like, okay, here we go. And for some reason at this point, I was less nervous because I don't know why, like something changed in my mindset when they called because I was like, okay, this is just out of my control.

16:21I need to go with the flow. We head to the hospital and it's so weird with an induction. It's not like you're in the hospital screaming in pain with contractions. It's not what you picture in the movies. It's like you walk in and they put you in your room and you put the gown on and then you have a discussion of what's going to happen. I had a really sweet nurse and we brought them all Bloom Energy drinks. They were all hooked up with the Bloom Energy. They had their gift baskets. And we talked about the Pitocin. And the original plan my doctor wanted to do was like a very aggressive dosing of Pitocin just to kind of get things moving.

17:01And I was like, okay, can we actually start at the baseline? So we started with very minimal Pitocin. Also the worst part of the whole day, and I don't want to scare anyone because it was the best day ever and I would do it a thousand times again, was the IV. because for some reason they couldn't find my veins and they ended up putting it in my wrist. And I still have a scar from this IV actually. And it was in this really annoying part of my wrist where I couldn't bend my hand and it was really painful, which is just so funny. Like this tiny needle of all things was the most annoying part of the day.

17:34But anyway, I have the IV. We start Pitocin. I think it took a total of two hours for me to start feeling like something was happening. Like really not much, not much was going on. Um, the first couple hours I'm like getting up to go to the bathroom, then monitoring the baby with the straps on my belly, everything's going okay. And then all of a sudden within like two hours, my water breaks. And I was kind of amped to have this experience. Like, I don't know why I've always like kind of looked forward to birth my whole life and been very like excited for it and nervous, but excited. Um, because of like IVF and my fertility journey, I wanted to like have this experience.

18:17So having my water break, me and Greg were like, whoa, this is so cool. It's like all over the floor, dramatic, whatever. And that was kind of a fun moment. But then obviously the contractions start. I've heard that people have different types of contractions. Like they can come really from your back, like lower back pain. Mine were all very much in the front and I felt the best standing up, like swaying side to side. At this point, I had my doula there. So for some reason, I was not 100 % sure if I wanted my doula in the room, like leading up to it, because in my head, I was like, well, maybe I want it to be a private moment.

18:58Like, do I even really need her in there? I'm not sure why I was having those reservations, but I decided last minute that I did want her there. And luckily, she was already in the hospital for a different birth. So I called her and she came down and she was talking me through each contraction, which was so, so helpful. If you are thinking about getting a doula, I will say it was very beneficial to have her there talking me through things, motivating me. I'm definitely someone that's like, I respond well to like hardcore motivational, like discipline type speaking. And she was definitely helping me through each one.

19:38We were playing EDM music. I remember Greg was like the DJ in the corner playing the EDM music. It's really funny because the men were Greg, you know, everyone's husband's different, but he, they obviously don't know what you're going through, right? So he thought it would be helpful to like talk to me and like try to have conversations with me about random stuff the whole time. And I literally was like, please stop speaking. Like, I am so locked in right now. I cannot listen to you. And my doula was even like, Greg, like, let's table that. So the doula will also help you control your husband, which is really helpful.

20:18But Greg ended up like getting behind me and like helping me sway. And I was kind of vibing, guys. Like the contractions, yes, are an unearthly type of pain, but also it kind of feels natural. Like it's really difficult to put into words, but you can muscle through it. And I think women are really incredible. And for some reason I was kind of like, yeah, like we're doing this. Even though it was very, very painful and I like couldn't speak during them. But I did get on the list for the anesthesiologist, which I didn't realize this, but when you are in labor, you want to put your name down on a list for the anesthesiologist because it can take an hour for them to get to your room, which means you're having insane contractions getting closer and closer and closer by the time they're able to come to your room.

21:04So I was on the list and I think I was having contractions for maybe an hour and they were getting closer and closer together. So I'm like, you know, swaying, listening to the music, but it's getting harder and harder for me to like withstand the pain because they're getting more intense, closer together. Eventually he comes in. This for me was the most challenging part other than the IV of the whole day. They put you on the bed and you're already contracting. So sitting on the bed and then they have you crunch over. So like Greg was in front of me and I was like hanging on him so that my back was bent.

21:45And that was really, really painful for me because if you can imagine like the uterus is like crunching and to extra crunch is just, I mean, so bad. And by the way, this is not meant to be a, I just want to reiterate like it was the best day of my life and I would do it a million times again. And if you're having fear about birth. Like you have so much more mental power than you realize and you will look back and want to do it again and again and again. But anyway, I am crunched over Greg and the guy, I don't even want to go into detail, honestly, because if someone's listening who is pregnant, I don't want to scare them.

22:24But getting the epidural needle in my back was like not my favorite thing. I definitely like screamed, but it was over very quickly. And it really does remove a majority of the pain that you feel from contractions. Like you can't feel anything. I did not have the best reaction to the epidural. I've never had great reactions to anesthesia. Like if you guys listen to my egg retrieval episode, I ended up having a vasal vagal nerve reaction to my egg retrieval anesthesia because I passed out afterwards and threw up and etc. So after getting the epidural, I'm kind of laying there and I'm getting really nauseous.

23:06So I did end up throwing up like pretty much hours after getting the epidural, like throwing up four hours and shaking violently. So if you've seen videos, you get something called labor shakes, which is when you're like uncontrollably shaking before you go into labor. I had that the entire time. So I'm shaking and throwing up and I'm kind of thinking, why did I get the epidural? Like I felt better before. So I don't know. I don't know why I had that reaction. Maybe it's normal, but they kept flipping me on different sides and I'm like throwing up into bags on each side and I'm really not supposed to eat.

23:45At this point, they say in case you need to get a C-section, they don't let you eat. So throwing up and shaking, I'm just exhausted at this point because my body has been doing so much work that I'm tired. I think that's the biggest piece about labor is like it feels like a marathon. I know for some people it's not that way, but I think for a lot of first-time moms, it really is exhausting. Anyway, my doctor, Dr. Seeker, who is like the best OB in Austin, he's awesome, comes in and checks me, does a cervical check. And he's like, oh my gosh, you dilated really quickly. You're at eight centimeters.

24:20So we're like two centimeters away from being ready to push. But the thing that's funny is you imagine, you just imagine things moving a lot faster. And when you're in the hospital, it's a long process. Like each check is like an hour or two spaced out. So you're really there for hours and hours and hours and hours. But the time also flies. Like it's the most bizarre experience. But I kept looking at the clock and like, you know, wondering what's going on. And the next time he came in, he was like, okay, we're ready to push. And I was like, oh my God, we're doing it. And I was really nervous, but excited to push.

24:58Like I had been prepping for this moment, like with my PT, you know, my pelvic floor therapist, we'd been practicing pushing positions and I knew the breath work I wanted to do and the best effective pushing positions for me. And Greg was also amped for this moment. He like loves coaching me in workouts and things like that. So this was like his moment. So not his moment. It was very much my moment, but he was behind my shoulder coaching me. So anyway, we get ready to push. And I think they had me on my back, which wasn't really what I wanted. I wanted to do side lying, pulling on a towel. We did that as well at some point.

25:33But anyway, I stopped pushing and immediately like within 10 minutes, um, Dr. Seek is telling me, we see his head, we see his ear, he has hair. And I'm just like, what do you mean he has hair? I was just losing it. I can't believe he's real. Is he coming out? This is crazy. And Dr. Seeker's like, okay, his head is sideways. His neck was twisted a little bit. And he was like, it should be okay. We keep pushing. And the pushing's effective. He's definitely coming out. I think I was pushing for an hour. And I noticed that Dr. Seeker and the nurses are kind of like looking at each other and looking at the monitor and kind of having a lot of like side conversations.

26:19And I look at my doula and I'm like, what's going on? What's happening? And she's like keeping me calm, but I can tell that something's like not, not right. So we keep going and I'm almost at an hour of pushing now. And Dr. Seeker goes, this is a 50, 50 chance of being a vaginal birth. And I'm immediately panicking. Like I look at my doula and I'm like, this has to be a vaginal birth. And I don't know why this was my mindset. I was terrified of having a C-section. I'm not sure why. I've always been a little bit weird about surgery and like anesthesia and not that you're put under for C-sections, but I was just really nervous.

27:00And I was like, no, this has to be vaginal. I'm prepped for a vaginal birth. Like I am ready. So we keep pushing. And it's funny, like in the moment of pushing, it brings out a part of, I can't describe it. I kept looking at him and I was like, am I doing a good job pushing? Is he okay? Is he okay? What's happening? You just feel really like vulnerable, obviously. And it's like a very animalistic feeling of pushing. And I just wanted to know that I was a good job and that Kai was safe. But it's exhausting. Like you're holding your breath for 10 seconds and it really feels like you need a minute to catch your breath, but they want you to keep pushing.