My Breastfeeding Journey & Mental Health

0:28Good sleep is everything. going to breastfeed or i'm only going to do this i felt like every time i left the house i was on a countdown even though i had a freezer supply for some reason i was so resistant of dipping into the freezer supply to me that was like an indication that i had failed i almost felt guilty because i had a good supply but it was ruining my mental health and i was like should i just keep going like is this how it should be should i feel like this this is the pursuit of Wellness Podcast and I'm your host Mari Llewellyn.

1:05Hi guys, welcome back to the Pursuit of Wellness Podcast. Today we're going to talk breastfeeding and I've been excited to discuss this topic. I made a little post about it on Instagram in my story and I had so many responses and this really is like such a big topic in the mom community, I think. And there's a lot of like emotions around breastfeeding. There's a lot of opinions, I would say. Before I get into this topic, I just want to say this is my experience. And I think the reason I want to talk about it is it can feel very isolated when you're at home in your bubble, in your newborn era. You don't know what's, you're just like so focused on what's going on with you and baby that it can feel very daunting there's a lot of guilt involved there's a lot of pressure involved and I think just like societal pressure too when we talk about breastfeeding and even as I said on previous episodes some health experts speaking about breastfeeding right like pediatricians the lactation experts we're just fed a lot, a lot of information and pressure as new mums.

2:20And I think it's helpful to hear other people's experiences. And I kind of got that vibe from when I posted on social media about the fact that I was weaning off of breastfeeding. I had a lot of mums reach out and say, please, can you talk about this more? So I feel called to talk about it. And I think the podcast is the perfect place to do so. I won't lie. I was pretty nervous to talk about weaning off of breastfeeding because I think there's so much judgment with this topic. And posting on social media, obviously, I get a lot of feedback from people. And sometimes it's very judgmental without much context.

3:03And I know that if you're tuning into the podcast and here to listen to the full episode, you're probably not a judgmental person and you're probably listening because you want to learn or think about your own experience or whatever it may be. So I feel like I'm in my safe space right now to talk about this. I'm really curious to just hear about other people's experiences too. So send me a DM if you relate or, you know, have any thoughts, but I'll talk from the beginning about breastfeeding and how it was for me. So I will say, interestingly breastfeeding kind of came more naturally to me than I was expecting I had always heard it was really difficult I was hoping that I would have enough milk that Kai would be able to latch well I wasn't sure how it was going to go for me and if you follow me on Instagram you may have seen I was collecting colostrum from probably week I don't know like 32 maybe I noticed that I was like leaking at that point and essentially just tried squeezing and seeing if anything came out.

4:08And I had yellow liquid and that's called colostrum. And colostrum is really nutrient dense, great for the baby, really fatty. And it's like the best thing for them to have when they first come out. They call it like liquid gold. So I started collecting my colostrum in vials and freezing them from that week and I was starting to do like two a day they tell you not to rush it because it can induce labor so I took it a little slow but honestly in hindsight I'm really glad that I did that because I think it kind of primed my boobs to know that it was time to make milk when I had Kai because my milk came in relatively quickly I've heard some people say it takes them days, especially after a C-section to have milk come in.

4:56But for me, it happened quite quickly. I also like I had probably 30 vials frozen, 25 to 30 vials of colostrum frozen. And we went through every single one the first two days that he was born. So I was so happy that I had those ready. I'll get into like how we gave it to him and all that. But I was so glad that we had them ready to go. And I only have, I think I saved two or three in my freezer for when he gets sick, which I've heard is a great tactic. But when I had Kai and we were rolled into the recovery room, he latched almost immediately. And I was really, really happy about that. That was a beautiful experience.

5:39And from the beginning, I found breastfeeding to be very bonding and emotional and sweet and really like calm. They did send in a few. It's funny, like the when you're in the hospital, you're so everything's so new. Your body is split in half. You're like looking back on my videos and photos of me in the hospital. I cannot believe I was like computing information. I had people just in and out of the room every hour, like they're waking you up to take blood tests give you medicine check on you it's like just madness and they send in a lactation expert to show you how to use the pump they had a hospital grade pump and honestly I don't even remember it's so funny it's such a blur but I think they hooked me up on the pump to like help stimulate and get things going and we also had brought the colostrum from home which I'm really glad we did.

6:37I remember before we had Kai thinking, okay, I need to have formula ready just in case. And then I also decided to bring the colostrum in a cooling bag in a, like a Yeti cooler just in case. And we ended up using it and giving it to him with a syringe in the side of his mouth, just so he could be getting enough and feel like we didn't actually have to use the formula. So we actually never ended up touching formula for those first, you know, actually he hadn't had formula until a week ago right now. But yeah, so glad I did the colostrum. My milk was coming in quite quickly. We had a lactation expert come in and show us like different positions.

7:19They did tell us quite quickly that he had a tongue tie. Kai had a very dramatic tongue tie from like almost the tip to the bottom that we ended up getting corrected later on. but it has now reattached so we're actually flying to New York in two weeks to go to a well-known surgeon in New York it's just a laser he doesn't get put under it's kind of sounds worse than it really is it's very quick and um relatively painless for the baby I mean it's you know it's something I was sobbing the first time he got it done it was more traumatizing for me than for him I think but anyway breastfeeding we get home with Kai and I'm just like full cluster feeding the first few weeks that we're home.

8:04As many new moms know, you are on the clock just feeding them. It feels like every hour you're just on the boob, on the boob, on the boob. Like I pretty much sat in the same chair the entire day, every single day. And Kai was eating a lot, a lot. We started trying to calculate how much he was getting. We did weighted feeding just to see and he was getting a lot of milk but his latch wasn't the best like he was getting milk but it was inefficient because of the tongue tie so that's what prompted me starting to pump I also I know a lot of people hate pumping and by the end of my journey I'm still pumping right now it is pretty miserable but at the beginning I kind of liked it because I felt like I could measure how much milk he was getting.

8:52It made me feel productive. It also allowed me to have Greg give him a bottle sometimes and anyone helping us also give him a bottle. It just gave me less stress feeling like I had to be ready 24-7 and my boobs were just available to him at all times. So when I started pumping, we could really see how much he was getting. And he has been a big eater from the start. At one point, he was literally getting 40 ounces a day for zero. I know that sounds crazy. That's like day and night combined, which is insane for that young of a baby. I was like, how can he possibly eat more? And he was also having horrible gas problems, which is a whole other conversation.

9:35But he was starving hungry guys at all times. And I was pumping so much milk that I felt like a corpse at the end of the day. I was like, I'm dehydrated. I'm exhausted. It really was so exhausting. And I felt like I was either breastfeeding or on the pump the entire day. That calmed down at a certain point and it got way more calculated to where I was pumping 6am, 12pm and 8pm and breastfeeding here and there in between. So that was kind of my schedule. and for some reason I had a great supply. I don't know if it's nutrition related. I kind of think a lot of it's genetic, honestly, but I never had a problem with supply.

10:15So I was able, I think actually I had, looking back, I had an oversupply, which I didn't realize, but he also eats so much that I still felt stressed keeping up with him. But I was able at the beginning, especially when I had a huge oversupply, to put away bags in the freezer and start a stash in the freezer. And I know, again, like for some people, this can be so stressful to just even make enough for their baby. Having a freezer stash is like such a privilege. And I feel very grateful that I was able to do, I mean, privilege is maybe the wrong word, like whatever, for some reason, genetically, I couldn't get pregnant naturally, but I did have a lot of milk.

10:55So we started the stash. And as time went on and he was eating more and more, my supply started dipping a little bit and we were dipping into the stash here and there. I mean, there's so many ups and downs of this journey and so many details that I'm probably forgetting. But I, you know, for the first three months, I was feeling really good about him being breastfed. And I do think breast milk has, you know, great nutrients, great probiotics, it helps their immune system but at the same time guys like it's so easy to talk about this before you have a baby and have like oh yeah I'm only gonna breastfeed or I'm only gonna do this it is to me and this is coming from someone who didn't have to worry about supply the hardest part about this season of my life honestly I felt like every time I left the house I was on a countdown and I was stressed that he didn't have enough milk in the fridge I even though I had a freezer supply for some reason I was so resistant of dipping into the freezer supply to me that was like an indication that I had failed I started really like having weird judgmental thoughts about my self-worth in relation to how much milk I made that day which sounds crazy now but at the time it was like such a big part of my life that if I made less that day I would spend hours like thinking about it and what did I do differently and oh my gosh now we're gonna have to dip into the freezer supply and how much longer can we use it for and my mind was just constantly racing I had a hard time even having adult conversations and thinking about things other than Kai and his milk.

12:45And it just sent me, it just made it difficult for me to live my life and feel happy and be present and talk to people. And even like having people over in the house, I was like, I should be pumping right now or how much milk is there in the fridge? Like I need, I, it just was not a way to live. You tell yourself, no one wants your college era band teas, but on Depop, people are searching for exactly what you've got. You once paid a small fortune for them at merch stands. Now, a teenager who calls them vintage will offer that same small fortune back. Sell them easily on Depop. Just snap a few photos and we'll take care of the rest.

13:25Who knew your questionable music taste would be a money-making machine? Your style can make you cash. Start selling on Depop, where taste recognizes taste. We have a house in Colorado and we were supposed to be there for a month. and we went out for a week and I it was definitely early postpartum to be going out there but my the breastfeeding kept me chained to the house every time I left I was stressed that I had to be back within an hour to get on the pump or to feed him or it just literally took up my entire brain another point that I will make and I don't want anyone telling me I'm toxic for saying this because I know you're all thinking it.

14:12I feel like someone's going to cancel me for this, but everyone tells you you lose weight when you're breastfeeding, that the weight just falls off, that you're exerting so many calories. That is the biggest myth of all time. Perhaps there are some women who are lucky enough to have the weight fall off while they're breastfeeding. That was not the case for me personally. I, first of all, was starving hungry while breastfeeding. Like, oh my goodness, I could never eat enough food. Like in the morning, I would sit on the pump for 30 minutes. I was pumping like, at my peak production, I was making like 18 ounces in a sitting, which is crazy looking back, but making a ton of milk, I would get off the pump and I would be ravenous.

14:58I'd have to eat an entire meal right then. I was snacking all day. Not that this is a bad thing. Like it helped me keep up my milk supply and I was eating healthy and getting my nutrients in but like I was eating a lot and I didn't necessarily feel I still don't feel great about my body and I am three months postpartum like I definitely shouldn't be hard on myself right now or worried about this but it wasn't even like how I looked it was more how I felt I felt inflamed exhausted anxious honestly like a really beat up version of myself and um it took me a minute to realize that the breastfeeding was a huge element of that and it would have been one thing honestly for me if it was just affecting me physically but it was the anxiety that really robbed me of joy during the day not to say that I wasn't enjoying motherhood I love being with Kai and seeing him and that that's what brought me joy every day but the breastfeeding was almost like taking away from the experience anyway let me know if you relate to that just feeling like you're constantly on a countdown and calculating ounces and minutes and schedules and did I write that down and how long ago did he eat and when does he eat next and why does he seem hungry right now did he not get enough like it is never ending and for someone who has an anxious brain and can get hyper fixated on things it just like triggered something in my brain that made me crazy and I could tell it was getting really bad when I had family visit recently and I was still breastfeeding and I literally I mean I was so anxious that I couldn't really even enjoy my time with them or go out or like even do anything it was it was um yeah I think it's tough when I've heard both scenarios I've heard people who struggle with supply but want to breastfeed so badly and push themselves to make it happen.

17:13And then I almost felt guilty because I had a good supply, but it was ruining my mental health. And I was like, should I just keep going? Like, is this how it should be? Should I feel like this? Like, because I have a good supply, does that mean I should just continue as long as possible? But I can't even imagine doing this for another week. I'm so miserable. Like, it was just a weird, a weird time and I think everyone has such an individual journey with it. So what we ended up deciding or what I ended up deciding, it's important to me that Kai is getting some breast milk until he's six months old.

17:53And something I'd heard someone say was even if they only get two ounces of breast milk a day, they are still getting the benefits of breast milk, whether that's their probiotics or the immunity or whatever. And at this point, I've built up a big enough freezer stash to where we can give him two ounces every day for six months. Sorry, every day until he's six months. So we have, he's three months old now. And we have like a three month supply in the freezer, which is, I feel so grateful for. I know that's not possible for everyone. And I feel very grateful I have that. but regardless I decided to incorporate formula about 10 days ago now and the first time that we gave him formula I was really nervous and really guilty and I can't like put a finger on why exactly I know a lot of women go through this and I think it's like an internal battle again with the pressure and the guilt.

18:57It's just a weird feeling. And I'm still sad about letting go of the breastfeeding, not the pumping, but the actual breastfeeding because it's very bonding and sweet. And we've, you know, I don't know, it's like special. But I don't miss how I felt every day. The second that he had the formula and he responded well and was happy, I was like, okay, I'm free. Like I felt such a weight lift off my shoulders in that moment that I was like, why didn't I do this sooner? And I think a lot of people have that realization, honestly, of like, oh, they're fine. I really could have done this sooner. But maybe that's not the case for you.

19:43If you're still breastfeeding and you feel good about it, like power to you this was just for me I feel like a better mom now because I feel happier I feel more present in the moments I have with him I can use my time how I want to use it I don't have to be pumping 24 7 or rushing to get through things so I can go home and pump I just feel more at peace with everything and also the fact that he's still getting a little breast milk every day brings me some peace but he loves his formula and he feel good feels good on it I know I'm gonna get a lot of questions about which formula it's tough guys like they there's not many that I feel amazing about we ended up going with a goat milk formula from Europe um because Kai had really bad colic gas, whatever, for the first six weeks, I want to say.

20:44And we did everything for that. We did the mylocon drops. We did, I cut out dairy. We burped him every single ounce. There was so many different things we did. Now we're through that time. Thank gosh. That was, I remember just being like, when is this going to end? He was literally crying more than he wasn't. And I felt awful. I I remember the first night that it really got bad. He was like red and sweating and screaming. And I was like, I have to take him to the hospital because I thought something was so, so, so wrong. It was just gas. And the gas really can be a tough thing to get through as a new parent.

21:22And I've heard people speak about this because everyone's like, oh, this newborn phase is so amazing. And it was amazing. But the gas really affected us. And I, that's the reason I didn't really take Kai out that much for the first few weeks or have people come over because I was just battling him being upset all the time. And I think until you go through it, it's like difficult to understand, but we got through that time. He is responding so well to the formula. No gas. The poops are for sure different. If you know, you know, they get way stinkier, way more solid. They don't poop as often with the formula.

22:02Oh, taking it out on the go. Like when we go out for the day, I'm bringing like powder, we're bringing the water instead of just like the milk kind of being good at room temperature. That's different. Right now I'm on a 14 day weaning protocol. So I've basically cut it down from 30 minute pump to 20 minutes to 15 to 10. and I went from pumping three times a day to twice a day. I'm still breastfeeding every now and again, but like shorter, less frequent periods of time. I already feel, I mean, even the last time I did this podcast, which was a week ago, I was still so foggy and tired when I was recording.

22:47And I already today feel so much more alert and awake and in tune with what I'm saying. and my workouts are getting better. My appetite feels more normal. I just feel closer to getting like back to myself, which is important. You know, like I think as moms, we tend to throw everything into our babies, which is like the best feeling, but also sometimes it gets a little toxic. And I was definitely guilty of that. I was like, well, I'm supposed to feel like shit. Like everyone says the first few months you feel like shit. And this is what being a mom is. And it's like this, like, what's that word I'm looking for?

23:26Like martyr syndrome. Like I'm a warrior and I'll get through this. And I'm used to that mindset. Like when we, when I lost weight in 2017, when we built Bloom, I'm used to suffering to get what I want. So I was like, oh yeah, I should be suffering. And I had to come to this realization of, I think at this moment like I actually need to give myself some grace because I want to be here for Kai and be in the best mood for him and be excited and ready every day and instead I was just so unbelievably anxious and since weaning off people around me have said you seem so much better which was also an indication to me that like it was not going great you know so yeah I feel really good about my decision and I know this is like a scary topic to talk about I even like had a hard time telling people in my personal life and I haven't I don't think I have shared it with many people because like the judgment around breastfeeding can be so strong and like you already feel so vulnerable and sensitive about it yourself it's like I don't want to open the gate for other people's opinions when I know it was the right decision for me and for Kai and for Greg so anyway that is the tea on my breastfeeding journey I will let you guys know how it continues to go maybe we'll have some guests on eventually to speak about breastfeeding and formula and mental health because I do think it's an important topic.

25:04Anyway, I hope you guys enjoyed this episode. Let me know if you did. Don't forget to subscribe because I'll be hopping on much more frequently. Leave a review if you liked it and I'll see you guys in the next episode. Bye. This is the Pursuit Network. The content of this show is for educational and informational purposes only. It is not a substitute for individual medical and mental health advice and does not constitute a provider-patient relationship. As always, talk to your doctor or health team.

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