10 Practical Ways to Boost Cooperation and Listening in Kids

0:00The following podcast is a Dear Media Production.

0:10Okay, so some kids are more naturally compliant. So for those of you who have kids who are more naturally compliant, this episode might seem either obvious or unnecessary because you don't need to increase listening and cooperation. You have a compliant kid who's a people pleaser. And actually, for kids who are people pleasers, I want you to find those moments when they're not being people pleasers and savor them and help them see that they can live through that experience of not pleasing. because if you are a people pleaser or you do bend in the kind of performative perfectionism, you probably needed someone who would give you more permission to blow it.

1:02But for those of you whose kids are less compliant, those kids usually thrive when they have agency, when they are not feeling like someone's trying to control them. that tends to give space for more cooperation. So my first tip on ways to increase listening and cooperation is to reflect on what kind of kid you have so that you know what they need and also what really matters to you. Because if you don't decide what matters to you and so you're sending off, you know, direct command after direct command, or not just directives, but requests, it just becomes noise. So you really want to give the opportunity for your kids to know what matters, what they really actually need to listen to.

1:58And that way, you're not spending this uphill battle with things that don't matter. When I think of like what really matters to me in terms of listening and cooperation, I ask myself, does it align with my values? Like, is it the kind of thing where it's like, yeah, you need to be helpful around the house because that aligns with my values as a parent, then I'm going to be pretty strict about it. But if it's about something that doesn't really matter and I'm sort of just doing it because I feel like that's, I don't know, oh, I'm being bossy or whatever, drop it. It's not worth it because what you want is to make demands and requests that are meaningful to you because then when your child does comply, it's not just to get them to be compliant.

2:51It's not just because you're like, no, I need you to please me. It's because you actually need them to learn these habits. Number two, tell, don't ask. So a lot of times we ask our kids, and this can be with toddlers, where it's super important, or with teenagers. It doesn't really matter. We tend to say like, do you want to come sit down for dinner? Do you want to get dressed right now? So that would be for like younger kids. And for teenagers, do you want to give me your phone? You know, we tend to be polite. And when we're polite, we actually are giving a choice that isn't a choice. So it's not very polite because we're not being clear and clarity is kindness, as they say.

3:40So I want you to try to stop yourself right before you make that request and turn it into a polite demand. So that a polite demand just means you say please and you say it at a respectful time. So it's not while your child is tantruming. It's not while your tween is doing homework. It's a polite demand that makes sense for what you're asking. Please put your dishes in the sink. is different than, do you want to do your dishes? Like you're going to get more compliance in those moments. You're going to get more listening because you're saying this is non-negotiable. It has to happen, but you're saying it in a polite way.

4:25Please put your shoes on so we can leave the house is much more effective than, do you want to put your shoes on? Because you're giving a reason and you're not giving a choice. And now for a quick break. This episode is sponsored in part by better health. Okay. I know February is full of flowers and candy and stuffed animals and lots of talk about relationships and dating and romance. And it's really happening no matter where you are, whether you're married or dating or divorced and starting fresh or just focusing on you. Anyway, it's one of those times of year that people get introspective and you are right on time.

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7:42for increasing listening and cooperation is that if there is a choice, and this is controversial, I think because of the gentle parenting movement or misunderstood idea that, you know, kids get to always have choices. But it's not really that kids always have choices. It's that when there is a choice, you want to provide it so that they learn both decision-making for themselves so that they feel some agency because agency, particularly with kids who are a little bit more spirited, they want that feeling that they're making some decisions. And so you can give two choices. You can give two choices when it comes to before, obviously you've cooked dinner, not after.

8:29Let's say you're giving the choice of, do you want broccoli or string beans? So you have that choice. So why not help them feel like, okay, well, I had some say in what vegetables I'm eating. Or do you want to put your shoes on at the door or at the elevator if you live in an apartment building? Or do you want to clean your room before dinner or after dinner? That's totally fine. You can also give a freedoms list, which I highly recommend. As you're trying to figure out what choices and freedoms does my child want. I wrote about much more extensively about the freedoms list in my book, The Five Principles of Parenting.

9:15No, this is not an ad, but I think it's helpful. Essentially, a freedoms list is, you know, you're getting stuck in tension between the desired freedom that your kids have. Again, they could be young children or older children and the parental control that you have. And when I say control, I'm not talking about like just control because you're the adult, but control because you're making decisions that involve safety and, you know, ethics and values. so problem solving with a freedoms list can be really helpful and that gives your kids not just a choice in the moment which I think is a very good temporary thing when you give two choices and I should have said not 10 choices not five choices that's too hard it's like looking at a menu with too many choices just two choices but a freedoms list is a good problem solver for kids who feel like there's too much demand on them and they don't have enough agency, it gives them kind of future hope.

10:17Like when they show responsibility now, they're going to grow their freedoms. And so it helps you not only talk about the desired freedoms, but it also shows them that with consistent cooperation in certain areas, they're going to get more autonomy. And so this one's not overnight. It's just like a process. So first you let your child know that you've noticed that they have more wants than they're allowed. And so you can sit down and come up with some solutions. And then you come up with a list of their desired freedoms. So like with young kids, you might have to make some suggestions. With older kids, they're definitely going to have suggestions of what they want.

11:00So a later bedtime, going to a certain party, getting somewhere by themselves, going to a friend's house, being able to make their own breakfast. You know, you'll come up with it again, age appropriately. Then you arrange the list in order of what's possible now, followed what's possible as they get more responsible and as they're a little bit better at cooperating and showing you that they are able to make the kind of choices that grow their skills. And then you express total excitement for when they're going to get to that next step of freedom versus like wanting to control them. And so like you want your kids to be more independent.

11:47You want to join them in imagining the fun that they'll have with their independence. Because in that case, you're a collaborator, not a naysayer. And I don't always think parents need to be collaborators. I think that's, I mean, we're not working from a level playing field. We are the grownup. But in this case, you're collaborating on this freedoms list and hoping for them to get those freedoms because what it means is they're getting more and more responsible. And so they can have more and more autonomy. And then you want to connect those freedoms to the readiness. So you talk about the skills that they can build upon and the choices that they can make to support those additional freedoms, which again is going to help them as you're doing this day-to-day sort of attempts at getting better cooperation and listening.

12:36And everybody wants them to get to being on the same team of more freedom. And then lastly, this is a good just moment of a reminder, just like number one reflection, is that it's not about a power struggle and it's not about control. it's about learning the skills needed to take on more responsibility. That's all it's about, but it gives just hope. Okay. And that all starts with what this whole point of this freedoms list was that the tiny version of that is giving two choices. Number four, if your child actually listens and they like, you've asked something of them about doing the dishes, for example, setting the table.

13:24A lot of these things are based on, you know, to-dos in the house that are helpful. You want to avoid correcting it and just notice that they did it. Even if it was a part of something, you want to notice and not fix because the minute you ask your child something. I said ask, but I had earlier said demand, but you know, politely demand, politely expect. If you're going to correct it, there's very little motivation for them to do it themselves. If you're correcting how they load the dishwasher or how they make their bed, essentially you're saying you don't do it as well as I do. This is just a task I give you for no real purpose, no real contribution to the household.

14:14I do it better. Instead, I want them to feel like I know you're capable of doing this without me and it doesn't need to be perfect. And if you do need help, let me know. I'm here for it. You know, sometimes they do need a little extra hand, especially younger kids, but essentially they need to know you believe in them. This is, by the way, the same with your partner. If you're correcting how they're doing the dishes, at some point, they're just gonna be like, why don't you just do it? And that shows your kids, you know what? I don't need this to be done perfectly and I don't need this to be done the way I would do it.

14:55I need this to be done the way you would do it because it's your task. Number five, which is sort of related to number four, please don't make a demand or request that you actually do prefer to do yourself because what's going to happen is everybody around you knows that you do it better and you prefer to do it yourself. So there's no reason to go through those motions when actually you just are better at it. There's just no reason. So if you're going to be better at something and you're going to correct it, why in the world would anybody bother? So really, really ask yourself, do I want my child to do this because I actually think it would be a helpful contribution?

15:43Or do I just feel like I'm supposed to ask them to do the dishes, but I really like to do them in a particular way? Because it's annoying to tell someone that you need their help with something or you expect something of them and then just kind of do it yourself. And now for a quick break. Okay, you guys know how I feel about decorating a table for a holiday and I consider Valentine's Day a holiday. Maybe not a serious holiday, but I take it seriously because I love the decorations and the opportunity to just do really cute things. And Wayfair has it all. You can get candles, you can get heart-shaped placemats, You can get fun pillows.

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19:10So don't actually ask of your kids more than they can handle. I mean, yes, you can stretch them a little bit, but for example, young kids, one direction at a time before you move to a two-step direction. Older kids, even a high school student, the general clean your room can be a lot. Making your bed is super specific. You have to know your kids. Obviously, some kids get more easily overwhelmed and some kids can handle a bigger picture direction and not the small, what are called kind of shaping steps. If you think of a pie, shaping would be pieces of the pie. And when you put them all together, the entire expectation you have, the whole cleaned room is done, but you need to break it up into small bits in order to get what you want from your child and in order for them to feel successful.

20:10Nobody is motivated. I mean, a lot of this goes back to when you want your kids to cooperate, they need to feel like there is a chance that they're going to be successful, that it's going to be satisfying, and that it's not going to be an enormous burden. One thing that helps with this practice are chores. And so if you're thinking developmentally appropriately, right now I'm just going to remind you of kind of age-appropriate, developmentally appropriate tasks by age, because again, this practice is helping your kids learn how to be helpful and thinking about it in ways that are developmentally appropriate.

20:51And by the way, you can, when you're doing something like this, when you think of chores, you can think of developmentally appropriate chores by kids' ages, and then you can even have them fill out, or you can fill out for them depending on their age, either popsicle sticks in a jar where each popsicle stick has the task written on it. So instead of telling them what chore to do, they're choosing. They just pull one popsicle stick out, or you can write it on a piece of paper, fold the paper, put it in a jar. And then if they're young kids, then you would read the task. If they're older kids, they just know after dinner, everybody in the house takes one task.

21:30And so age-appropriate chores for toddlers, yes, Even toddlers can learn how to be cooperative and helpful around the house. So most toddlers actually, this is not a burden. Chore is probably the wrong word for their jobs because they want not only to be helpful to you and please you, but they need some supervision or guidance. So great. So it's like a source of connection, but you're also getting things done. Putting their toys away, putting their toys away by color. so it's just the blue toys today, putting clothes in the laundry basket, separating clothes between whites and colors, sweeping an area with a little tiny dustpan.

22:16You can get, I mean, this might sound ridiculous, but they make amazing cleaning supplies, like little smaller dustpans, like for little tiny hands, you can get on Montessori websites. They have some for small hands. In fact, there's a website called for small hands. They have what's a section called practical life in Montessori, and it helps you do small tasks with for the smaller hands, whether it's cleaning, whether it's mini little dusters, whatever it is, they can do so little spray bottles to spray, vinegar on a table and wipe the table can be super helpful. Chores for preschoolers can often be similar to toddlers, but they just need a little less supervision.

23:07They may be able to start making their own beds. They may be able to water the plants without putting too much water or too little water. They may be able to sort the laundry with a little less direction and dust the furniture. The key here is these chores are not, they're not just for fun. They're actually not only helping around the house, but you feel it and they feel that you feel it. And then chores for elementary school-aged kids are things like packing their lunch. But the problem is this is when they start to maybe whine about the responsibilities. So they really need to be helpful and necessary and give them a sense of independence.

23:49So they kind of are like alongside those freedoms list. You can have the expectations. Kids are pretty capable, like school-age kids between six and 10 years old, they can vacuum, they can rake leaves, they can sweep floors, they can have different areas of their room that they're in charge of organizing or cleaning. They can put away groceries. They can make grocery lists with you. Again, things that are helpful, but doable. And then, you know, dishes. Key here is you do baby steps. You really help them feel good about it. And you don't fix it. And chores for tweens and teens, they're so capable.

24:33They can help around the house, whether it's laundry or dishes or taking out the garbage or babysitting or... You know, there's just so, there's so much that they can do. They're really capable kids. And so when you treat them like they're capable, and again, like you don't want them doing chores just because you want them to learn responsibility. You actually want help around the house. Like this actually puts everybody in a better mood. It's easier. And if you're not, like if you've never done this, start with, play one song, one song that your kids get to choose. That's like the song that they're going to play.

25:13And just during that song, they're going to be putting clothes away or dishes away. And then when it's over, they're done. So it's a fun song. Everyone's in a little bit of a better mood when there's good music. And that kind of is doable. It's just a doable task. You want all these tasks to be doable so that you're not just making this demand or request or having this expectation, but you don't want to be a nag. Number seven, join your kids and make mistakes and show them that you've made a mistake. Make a mistake when you're doing tasks, when you're doing anything. Make a mistake because a lot of the reason why we get kids who don't seem cooperative or don't wanna do things that you've asked them to do is because they don't feel capable and they don't feel competent.

26:05and as we've talked about, being competent helps you feel more confident. So they need to know that we're all a work in progress. We make mistakes. You know, carrying something is just a little heavier for us too. You can even kind of pretend with younger kids like, oh, this is so heavy. And with older kids, like making a mistake, putting the fork in the wrong place, just doing something that is a mistake and then forgiving yourself in front of them with these everyday tasks and expectations of yourself helps them know that when they do things that aren't perfect, your first go-to is to say like, well, good try, but.

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29:58quince.com slash humans. So that brings me to number eight. Don't praise your kids for what they're, you know, what you're noticing about how they're being so cooperative or they're doing a task that you've expected of them, but don't caboose it. So caboosing it is when you say you did that so well, like, thanks for putting the dishes away. I mean, it would be nice if you put water on the plates first so that there isn't food stuck on them. But thanks for putting them away. That's sort of like, well, they did something. And here you are trying to say, thank you for doing this. but you've now basically told them why they didn't do it good enough.

30:48So instead, just say like, oh, that was so helpful that you put the dishes away. Thank you so much. I know you're busy tonight. And then that's it. So even if they didn't do it the way you wanted them to, they did it. Savor that. Praise them for that. Be specific about it. And be grateful because that's what you're going for. Like, appreciate it. It makes your night easier. And don't go and fix it. Don't go wipe those dishes with the water. You know what? If the dishwasher doesn't get all the food off and the next morning you're like, oh man, there's not, there's still like crust on there. Maybe they'll notice because they've opened the dishwasher and they'll learn from that mistake.