10 Tips to Decrease Entitlement and Increase Gratitude

0:00The following podcast is a Dear Media Production.

0:08Welcome to Raising Good Humans. I'm Dr. Aliza Pressman. And today I am doing a solo episode because I got a lot of requests for this. A lot of people are thinking about gratitude right now because Thanksgiving is coming up. But what I am hearing more of is, I just don't want my kids to be entitled. So how do I prevent my kids from growing up entitled when they have so much in their lives that can confuse them and make them act entitled? And here are my 10 ways rooted in science with a little sprinkle of practical that can just be gauges on small ways we can make changes so that we are not raising entitled kids.

0:59If you enjoy this kind of episode, please write a review in Apple Podcasts, just like a quick little something. I actually think you can do it in Spotify too. It helps get the word out. It helps me know what you want to hear. And it's super helpful. And of course, you know, I have a book, The Five Principles of Parenting, Your Essential Guide to Raising Good Humans. There's a lot about this in there. And on my sub stack, it's free. You can get all of this information on my website, draliza.com. I also on the website have a way for you to get in touch and a way for you to sign up for the extra zoom that we do once a month for sub stack subscribers.

1:44And you can actually see a lot of the episodes divided both by age and topic of interest in case, you know, they're now over 300 episodes. And I know that a lot of people want to see what topics are most relevant to them. So first of all, I just want to say that one of the things that distinguishes privilege and entitlement is gratitude. So it does make a lot of sense over this sort of time of year where we talk about gratitude a lot, but here are some things that you can do. So number one, do a gratitude hunt. That means once a day, no matter what the mood, no matter what miserable, happy, or somewhere in between thing is happening, hunt for something good.

2:34This is something we can model and then we can get our kids to do it. That might mean that when you're rushing to the car to go to school drop-off, you stop and you see a flower and you note that it just is so beautiful. It doesn't need to be some deep, intense thing, but it is modeling that you stop literally and smell the roses. And you can also do an activity, you know, once a week, once a night, whatever is working for your family, but you can do rose, bud, and thorn, which is talking about something that went well today. So that's a gratitude moment. then you can talk about something you're looking forward to a bud and finally don't forget to include a thorn because one thing we know is that you can't just say you know you should be grateful don't don't complain about something or don't feel bad about this you have so much because those two things aren't mutually exclusive and we don't want our kids to fake gratitude what we want is for them to be able to say, you know what?

3:39This wasn't great today, but I did have something great that was part of my day. And if that was a little bit of ice cream, it doesn't have to be deep. But it could also be something like noticing that someone did something nice for you. So it's really important. And that is my first of the kind of reducing the likelihood of entitlement. The second thing, make sure that your kids are not always centered. Now, do I believe that we should have delight every day when we see our kids? Yes, delight in your child. Let them see your eyes light up when you see them. That doesn't mean that if you're in an adult conversation that you need to stop everything every time your child wants to say something.

4:27That doesn't mean that you have to go to every single game or every single thing to show them that you'll drop the world for them. They want to know that if they really need you, that of course you're going to drop everything. But that when it's between a soccer game and you needing to do something for yourself once in a while, that that's okay, that that's survivable. Because if you are the center of someone's world, it's a lot of pressure. It's a lot of pressure that makes you feel like, well, what will that person do when I try to have an independent life, fly free, do my thing. And it also makes for a lot of assumptions that you should be the center of the universe.

5:14And it's really a bummer when you get out in the world entitled to be the center and you're not. So I will give you an example that is a small example that's personal. And then I'll give you sort of a older kid example. When I was in preschool, probably early, like daycare early. My mom, who by the way, was a kindergarten teacher at the time, she would drop me off and then pick me up. And the teacher, her name was Judy, would tell my mom that every time I did something, I turned to wait for someone to clap for me or react, that what I did was so amazing. And why did I feel entitled to that reaction?

5:57Because my mother, in this well-meaning, beautiful way, clapped every time I did anything. I couldn't make a move without getting that kind of clapping and yummy, delicious support, which seems innocent. The reality is it took away my capacity to just do something for myself or do something out of curiosity. And also it made me feel entitled to have a reaction from other people every time I did anything, whether it was impressive or not impressive. So it's not going to turn your kid into like a person walking around the world being like, give me accolades. I deserve everything. But it's like a small way that you can say, okay, of course, sometimes you're going to clap and elevate that experience, that accomplishment.

6:49But sometimes keep it still. Let your kids understand that they're not just doing things for everybody else to approve of it and to appreciate it. And now for a quick break so I can tell you about my sponsors. Okay, Thanksgiving people, this is a big sale day if you're listening to this right after Thanksgiving. And if you're listening to this later, you know that feeling of the holiday season when you're just spending, you wanna give presents and bonuses and support and get yourself nice things. And everything just feels like, you know, you're just going to spend. But also you want to keep your finances under control.

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10:38I want you to have something else that you're doing and not able to drop it to show up. Not because I want you to be mean parents, but because I want your kids to know that sometimes they're not doing it for the audience and they can survive that moment. They can feel like, yeah, it would have been nice to have my parent there, but they couldn't be there. They had something else they had to do and I'm okay. These are small little things that really do help our kids learn the difference between the wonderful experience of having that love and support and the expectation that everybody needs to drop everything in order for this person to get love and support.

11:29Number four, chores. Chores, if I had to pick the number one thing to really make sure that you don't have kids that are walking through this earth entitled, give them chores. First of all, it's also incredibly helpful around the house. And you can start chores as early as three years old, especially with younger kids. They actually think it's fun to have a job. And then with older kids, they're not. And they're going to say they're busy and they're going to say they have too much homework. They have a test and you feel guilty and you're like, okay, I'll do the dishes this time. No, they can time manage so that they can get five minutes done of dishes or they can make their bed in the morning or they can contribute to cleaning the windows or washing the table or taking out the trash, no matter how busy they are.

12:27And it's really important as your kids get older and they start to have so much work and pressure and stress and we start to feel like, oh, well, I couldn't possibly then ask them to take out the garbage. Yes, yes you can. Kids who grow up having chores actually grow up happier people. And they definitely have a much lower risk of being entitled people because they know that they're expected to contribute to the community of their household and then they'll contribute to the larger community. There are even studies showing that preschoolers who simply put their chair into the table after they get up, like before they go move on to a new activity.

13:10They just are doing something thoughtful to contribute to the community that they're a part of that they do better academically later on. So not just social emotionally, it's pretty awesome. And it's also helpful to develop competence and confidence because you're actually contributing in a meaningful way to your household. Your parents and your family and your siblings appreciate it. And it's important for the day to run. So chores are a big deal. And I really want to remind you that we can teach our kids to help out with the dishes really young. We can teach our kids to chop up the vegetables pretty young.

13:57They are capable of doing things that are helpful around the house. They take a little bit of effort and time. And then they don't feel like somebody is just following them around, cleaning up after them, clearing their dishes. They just leave things everywhere. And somehow miraculously, they come home from school and everything's been cleaned. Chores help kids feel less entitled and more of a contributor and people who contribute to those around them feel better about themselves. Now, the one thing I've said about chores before, and I'll keep hammering that home, is that chores need to be obviously helpful, but like if they don't do it perfectly, you can help guide them, but don't make it like, oh, I got to redo this.

14:47I'm redoing the bed. I'm redoing the dishes because then they have no incentive to believe that they're actually making contributions. And now for a quick break. So I can tell you about my sponsors. This episode is brought to you in part by Saks Fifth Avenue. When you think of holiday seasons, don't you kind of picture Saks Fifth Avenue? Like I just think of that, whether it's like an old movie or just walking down the street in New York City during the holidays, Saks Fifth Avenue says holiday inspiration to me. And Saks.com says holiday inspiration made easy to me. So go have fun at Saks and shop and get presents and also get new outfits.

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18:06So there comes a point in every parent's life when their adorable child says their first rude comment back, their first eye roll, their first, you know, moment where you think, oh, here we are. And then it gets bigger and bigger. By the time you have teenagers, being rude is sort of part of the game. Now that is developmentally appropriate. I am not denying that it's not going to happen and it's developmentally appropriate. And I am encouraging you not to take it personally because it will drive you totally bonkers if you take it personally. And you don't have the time or energy for that and nor does your relationship.

18:53But if you can just take a breath and respond to it, you're going to help them not move through the world thinking that that's okay. So let me be clear, it is appropriate for their developmental stage to eye roll, to backtalk, and to be rude and to say things without saying please and thank you. But just because it's developmentally appropriate and I don't want you to take it personally doesn't mean that you can't have the expectation that if they do it, there's going to be a response from you that lets them know it wasn't acceptable. So in the case of a rude comment, the first thing to do is obviously take a breath so that you don't, you know, lash out, but then say, hey, I want to help you out.

19:45I want you to say that again. please do so in a different way because the way you just did it, you know I can't respond to. Or for younger kids, you could say, should we have a do-over? Let's do a do-over. And you say that in a different voice. You can even give a suggestion with younger kids that they do it and pretend that they're doing it as a puppy. Then they can pretend to do it as a lion. And then they can pretend to do it as a very sweet superhero. So you're practicing different ways of using that voice, but they can't ask for what they want or demand what they want without using a respectful tone.

20:24Otherwise, it would not make sense for you to keep responding to it, you know, get me this, and then you go get it, you're going to have a kid who's kind of entitled and rude to people because it works. So let's say they say, get me my bag, then rather than, you know, of course, again, not taking it personally, but rather than saying, all right, they're just being a teenager and it's totally obnoxious, but I'm not going to take it personally. So I'll just go get the bag. Just take a moment and say, I want to help you. Please say that in a different way. They know they don't feel good being rude, but if it's fast and it gets the response that they're looking for, why in the world would they stop?

21:06And more importantly, what if they go out into school and into another friend's house and they just do that. This brings me to number six. Make sure that you have expectations of your kids with how they treat people when they're getting a ride. So let's say you are driving a few kids to an activity after school. We all know the difference between the kids who you brought them a snack, let's say, and they leave the trash in the back seat and they kind of run out of the car and they don't say thank you, it starts to bother you, right? So you don't want your kid to do that. So you can just say, I expect that when there is some food in the back seat and a person giving you a ride, that you would take the time to take it out, bring it to the trash and say, thank you so much for the ride.

22:02This seems very small, but these are the things that I expect of you because it shows people appreciation. And we know that when we appreciate people, we are more likely to feel good about the experience and they are more likely to feel good about that interaction. So that means you have to do that in our car so that you can practice this. And then how wonderful when you hear from other people that they were thoughtful to the other parents. I definitely clock that. And I notice that some kids just automatically think to themselves, how can I be helpful and gracious? And other kids just expect that, oh, it's a parent and parents will clean up after me and do whatever I want, whether they're mine or someone else's.

22:52So these minor things make a big difference. Number seven, make gift giving fun. Okay, so what I want you to start thinking about this holiday season when you're trying to distinguish between sort of privilege and entitlement is your kids can have the privilege of knowing that they're going to get fabulous holiday gifts. and it's really exciting to get presents. But what I want you to try to do is help them get excited about the process of thinking about a really special present for their sibling and for other members of the family. So instead of doing that thing where we just have a long holiday list, we take care of it, we check the boxes, I want you to enlist your kids.

23:37I want them to have the beautiful feeling that we get when we do something nice for someone else. So ask them, make it a habit, like they're choosing to use some of their allowance to buy a gift for their sibling. Make it so that they feel excited to give it to them. They were thoughtful, they thought of something interesting, introduce them to Etsy or other places where you might find really fun, affordable things that they can do and have them contribute to it. They will be so excited. Have them wrap. Don't just like wrap all the presents and sign their names to it. Enlist them in the process because then it's so much more fun for them to see the joy that they've brought someone else.

24:20It also forces them to think about what another person would want and they get excited about it. If you just say, oh, it's Susie's birthday, here's the present you're supposed to give her and you wrote the card, or I got the present, I wrapped it, just bring it in. It really takes away from the joy of giving a gift. So not only do they get more joy in giving gifts, but they also start to experience the world, not feeling entitled to receive gifts, but actually seeing, oh, wow, it feels really good to think about what somebody might want and participate and not only getting it, but wrapping it in a beautiful way or putting it in a pretty container or basket or bag, tissues, whatever it is, let them contribute because they will feel like doing more and more of that.

25:09And that is another protector from having entitled kits. And now for a quick break so I can tell you about my sponsors. I'm not even sure if sharing with you how awesome Skims is, is necessary because I feel like everybody who's put Skims on loves Skims, but they have specifically something I'm obsessed with right now with the Fits Everybody Collection. These are the most amazing underwear and bras I've discovered because it's like literally skin. You cannot see them through clothing. It's like nothing I've tried before. It's just so good. Okay. That means it's also great for teenagers who love skims, of course.

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29:31So book an appointment today at bit.ly slash asktia-humans. That's bit.ly slash A-S-K-T-I-A dash humans. Number eight. Now, this is something that I got from Adam Grant, who used to ask his kids, what was something kind that you did today? And then he started to add another question, which is, what did someone else do that was kind for you today? And it really helped the kids notice, hey, it really feels like something special when somebody was just thoughtful to to you. And so it makes you more inclined to notice and appreciate other people. And it also feels like, oh, I want to do that for someone else.

30:33I want someone else to experience the feeling of me doing something kind. So just try that at the dinner table or maybe once a week you talk about it, but make it a habit of noticing and appreciating when somebody does something kind for you and you will be more likely to do the same thing for others. Number nine. So this is something that, you know, I struggled with because I thought it was a formality and I, you know, I like kind of old school formalities like using Mr. and Mrs. But writing thank you notes is a habit to build starting as young as toddlerhood. Now, obviously you're going to have to help because writing thank you notes and truly taking the time, not only to be thoughtful about gift giving and what it means and how it feels to do nice things for other people, but also recognizing how to appreciate in a meaningful way, something that was done for you is incredibly helpful to remove, You know, like, again, there's a privilege in getting and receiving, but there is an entitlement in not thanking and not truly appreciating.