Dating After Divorce: What to Tell Your Kids and When

0:00Anybody who you are dating once you've had kids and are divorced has to be sophisticated enough to understand that it isn't just about the two of you.

0:11Alison Scharf:I get pulled aside a lot with parents asking me about dating after divorce. Let me tell you, this is not an easy topic and it's not comfortable to talk about. So I'm talking about it on a solo episode of Raising Good Humans podcast. I'm just diving in. It's complicated. It's tricky. It's emotional. and it's also fun. So send it to someone who needs it and have a listen. I'm Dr. Aliza Pressman, developmental psychologist, New York Times bestselling author, associate clinical professor at the Icahn School of Medicine, and the host of Raising Good Humans podcast. I am so glad you're here. Okay. I've gotten this question so many times and I have debated whether or not to do an episode about it, but it's just come up enough that I am.

0:59And And if it doesn't feel like this episode is relevant for you as soon as I tell you what it's about, I highly encourage you to pass this along to someone who might find it helpful because this is not talked about a lot. And what it is is helping your kids understand your dating after divorce. And that's a hard topic because there's a lot of feelings involved in it. And there's not so much research, but there's enough that I can give you some of my opinions and see how it goes. So I ask people to send in their dating questions about dating after divorce. And I want you to keep in mind that I'm going to give you my best answer with the full disclosure that people don't study this that much.

1:47So you have to kind of bring up all that we know about child development and human development, what we know about psychology and what we know about children who go through difficult things. And then we have to think about the mental health of the caregiver and what dating will do for them. And from that, I'm going to give you my best answers. And I want to acknowledge that for some people, dating after divorce comes with so much because you've got guilt, you have a sense of grief, perhaps, a sense of failure, a sense of worry, a sense of longing, and also a sense that you're still a living, breathing person that wants to have a romantic life.

2:30And also it's overwhelming. And also people don't have time and where and how, and I want to make sure my kids are okay. And I have been there. So I get it. The good news is that the loadedness of all of this will help you make really intentional choices so that you don't do something that you regret. You're always gonna do a little bit that you regret, but having a sense that there is a weight to this, that it matters will make you be really intentional. And as a bonus, it makes you more intentional about the people that you will bring into your life because it's not just about you. And so if somebody doesn't honestly earn the place in being in your life and that you would have put up with it in another circumstance, you're really not going to do that anymore.

3:21So here are the questions that came in and I didn't read them in advance. I printed them out. So bear with me. The first one is how do parents separate their own timeline from their child's needs? So keep in mind that your grief and your timeline is completely different from your child's and we can't really understand or sit in their minds. but I will tell you that for the most part, even when kids seem fine, there's still reconciling with and accepting that your parents are no longer together is a totally different thing than reconciling and accepting that your parent might start to be with someone else.

4:02You know, in order to start dating someone else, you have to get to the place where you've accepted as an adult that that other relationship is over. But that's not the timeline that kids are on. And so separating those timelines means you are keeping your dating life largely off stage until the research suggests about a year of distance. But there's no exact timeline because so many people have different circumstances. Everybody's circumstances are different. But just think about certainly a year after divorce, and then it is imperative that you keep in mind that your kid's timeline is different because it's not just about being over the divorce.

4:48It's about a totally different thing, which is accepting that your parents might be with someone else. The other thing that we know is absolutely clear in the research is that how the parents get along as co-parents after and during the divorce is inextricably linked to child well-being. And so you don't want to do anything that is provocative if you can help it in a healthy, normally functioning set of co-parents. If you're dealing with other stuff and worse circumstances, it's probably a different conversation because that can be hard to navigate throughout life, not just like the first year after divorce.

5:33But, you know, when you've got two parents on the same team, which is team the kids and how to get through this beautifully, then try to take into account the other person, the other co-parent, so that your dating life doesn't provoke any behavior that you're not interested in provoking. And then practically, you want to ask yourself, am I making this decision because it's good for me or because it's good for my kids or because it is overall good for everyone? and really and I don't say this often but it can't just be about you in this case I say that it has to be how the kids will do to that end I know this is a big ask but making sure that a person is not just worthy of you but they are worthy of meeting your kids is going to be really important and then on the other side of all of that is there's a chance that your kids are never going to be excited about another person being in your life.

6:34And that doesn't mean that you don't get to have a beautiful, flourishing, romantic life. It just means that you have to be more intentional and slower and get there in a way that still might be hard for your kids, but that you're so comfortable with within yourself and your relationship with this other person that you guys can handle that.

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9:10Alison Scharf:What inner work should a parent do before their first date back? Okay, the first inner work that you have to do is process your divorce. Like, what do you think went wrong? And what do you think went right in that first marriage? And what do you think you need? What did it teach you? So when you figure that out, which takes some people a long time, which is why it's good to have a year, if not more, some people need much more time than that. But it's good to take the time to figure out what you want so that you don't get back into old patterns that are not going to serve you and so that you don't model for your kids that you're getting back into old patterns that are going to serve you.

9:54You also want to figure out what is it that you're going to tell your kids? Are you going to tell them, depending on their age, I am going to be going on dates with people, but I'm not going to introduce you to anyone unless that's a person that I go on multiple dates with and I feel that it is important for them to be in our lives. So you can tell them that, or you can make a policy of only going on dates when you don't have custody. So you don't need to worry about sharing too much with your kids. You can also think about your child's temperament and what they can handle. And some kids can handle more than others or want to get more involved than others.

10:34So one of the things that you need to recognize to be ready is who am I and who are my kids and what do we all need? It's also really important to have structural support. So what systems are in place to support you through this? Do you have a friend that you're feeling safe and close that you can talk to about this? Do you have a therapist? Do your kids have structures in place for them to have people to talk to? and do they have a sense that they have to take care of you or do they feel very much taken care of so that you have the opportunity to know that they're not gonna feel like they have to pretend that they feel better just for you or fix your life.

11:17We never want our kids to feel like they're our friends who have to fix or make our lives better. That's not their role. All right, the next question is kind of similar to the previous question. when is the right time to tell your kids that you're dating? So the right time is going to be different for each person, but ideally you want to wait a year before you discuss dating, if you even discuss it. Depending on your kids' ages, if your kids are younger, they probably don't need to know that you're dating. They can probably cook a little bit longer and live their lives in the new reality that they're in.

11:55And then if at some point you get serious with someone and it feels important to introduce them because they're going to be in your life for a long time, then it's time to introduce the idea of dating. And you can also refer to people as a friend that you are getting to know and it doesn't need to delve into what is romantic. It really just depends on the child's age. But you can certainly say that you're spending a little bit more time with some adult friends that you're trying to get to know better before you decide if you're going to introduce them to your kids. And you can always fall back on, you know, if they ask you what you did over the weekend, if they weren't with you, you can always say, you know, I was doing things to take care of myself.

12:42And you want them to feel like it wasn't so sad that they weren't there because then they're going to worry about your feelings. But also that it's not like a giant party where you're like, thank God I got rid of the kids so I could do something. It's a nice balance of I was doing things to care for myself. And one of those things was to get to know somebody who's an adult a little bit better and have a nice dinner and list the other things that you did. And so you ease your way into and don't start with, I'm now dating. And that means that I'm having a romantic relationship with different people until I find one with whom I feel is worthy of introducing to you until you have teenagers.

13:24And at that point, probably even middle schoolers, you can say things like that. If they want to be introduced, you have to decide what you're comfortable with. I personally would not introduce my kids to anybody unless they were my now husband. That was the only person I introduced them to. But there are plenty of people who do feel like, you know what, this is a person who's picking me up for dinner. I can introduce them to the kids. It's quick and that's it. And my kids don't like feel like there are any stakes to this. Only you know what's comfortable for you and your kids. Okay. So what does that conversation actually look like?

14:04So if the conversation is, for example, what does that conversation look like when I introduced my kids or was going to introduce my kids to my husband. We didn't get married first. They met him and knew him for a few years before we got married. But I think you can start with that I've been, well, first think about their age. Do you know what a date is? Do you know what dating is? Tell me what you know about it. And if they're old enough to know what dating is, then you could say, so I've met someone who I think is really special and we've gone on and you can list how many dates, whatever's comfortable for you.

14:45We've gone on a lot of dates, enough dates that I think it's time that you meet them because I think you'll enjoy their company. And I feel like it's nice for them to meet the most important people in my life. Who are you? My children. Whatever you say, say only a little bit, then stop talking and give space to your kids to be able to ask you questions, to be able to have a reaction, and be prepared if the reaction isn't what you were hoping or isn't what you were expecting. Because some kids you might think would be very upset and are excited, or some kids think they have to performatively be excited.

15:26Other kids are going to just be like, okay, I don't need to meet anyone. And they might just sort of not be interested. And let them lead. Because if they're not interested, you could say, okay, let me know if you're interested at some point and we can make a plan. The key is it is not the pressure for them to get to know this important person in your life. This can be frustrating, but anybody who you are dating once you've had kids and are divorced has to be sophisticated enough to understand that it isn't just about the two of you. There's a much bigger world that is relevant here. And that's quite a bit different than when you're dating before you have kids.

16:08Two things to avoid. Avoid asking for permission. So avoid giving the impression that you've met this person that you think is wonderful, but you're waiting for your kids to approve of them before you can decide whether or not you're committed to them. That is too big of a job to give to a kid. This is about just introducing them out of, you know, this is a person in your life. It would be important to meet them and to be around them and to get to know them, but not for approval's sake. And the other thing to remember is they don't need as many details as you might want to give, and they don't need to be excited for you, and you don't need to convince them to be excited for you.

16:53And keep in mind that when you are in the process of falling in love, you typically think that so many details are fascinating to other people that are not.

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18:15How honest can you be about loneliness without putting too much on your children? This goes in the category of your kids are not your best friends. And sometimes, particularly when you're divorced and you're home a lot, you can forget that, especially as they get older. And what I want to encourage you to do is make sure you take the time to cultivate friendships so that those are the people that you can go to and say you're lonely. Kids don't need to worry that you're not okay. And they don't need to then have to or feel a sense that they have to fix or solve that problem or that they aren't enough for you.

18:55It's a separate thing. You could say something if they ask you, like, why would you go on a date or why do you need to remarry or be with someone else or date someone else? You could say something along the lines of, you know, I feel very fulfilled and happy and I love my family. and also sometimes it's nice to have another grown-up to share my day with to talk with and to spend time with and that doesn't mean that I don't love being with my kids it's a separate thing and it's part of you know like when you are hanging out with your friends that's a different experience that you're having than when you're hanging out with your mom and so this is this is This is an experience and a relationship that I'm having that is for adults for wanting to share my day.

19:43Very simple and straightforward. What you don't want to say is, I've been so lonely since your dad left or I've been so lonely since mom stopped being here. I need an adult to feel less lonely. That doesn't feel good for anyone and it's actually not a healthy relationship model to project. one check with yourself could be that you ask yourself is this something that a healthy adult in a loving relationship would say or is this something that i'm saying because i have no adult to say it to and i'm looking to my kids to get actual friendship from that's a red flag Okay, last question. How do you handle the blunt questions?

20:31Like, do you love them more than us? First, I wanna tell you how normal this is. And I want you to share with your kids how normal it is. So you can say something along the lines of, I understand why you would ask that question. It is so, it makes so much sense. And also, tell me what that's about or tell me what made you think of that. You can also continue to reassure them, I love you. Like I can never love anybody but my children. And any person in my life that I love isn't taking away from that and never could. The other kinds of hard questions might be too grown up for them. They're private, personal between you and your partner or your new, the person that you're dating.

21:16And it's okay to say, I understand why you're asking that question. You're curious. There are going to be some questions that don't feel, that I don't feel comfortable sharing with you, not because I don't trust you, but because I'm a grownup and you're a child. And there are some things that are for grownups and for privacy. A word with younger kids, a reminder about younger kids, they need reassurance so much. And if they ask a question that's really hard for you to hear, and it's an uncomfortable thing to answer, like, you know, will you love me as much or really anything difficult in this category?

21:58Remind them periodically, even when they're not asking, that it makes total sense that they would have questions about all this. They've never experienced it before. It can be super confusing. But one thing that they don't need to be confused about and that you're not confused about is that you love them unlike any other human you could ever love. It is a mother's love or a father's love and that there's nothing in the world that can take that away or change that. And that will always be true. In closing, I just want to say I know how hard this is and this is so important because you want to do right by your kids, but you also need to do right by yourself.

22:41so since there isn't just one right way of doing it do you know certainly hear what i'm saying but also go with what you feel is right and pay attention to what your kids are noticing and how they're doing if there's been no disruption in routine if it feels like things are generally going okay they're eating well they're sleeping well they're getting enjoyment from the same things they've been enjoying in the past, things are probably going okay. If you feel like they're not talking about something, but you know there's this underlying tone of questions, help them name the questions for you. So check in with them.

23:25Don't just wait for them to ask you, but don't talk about it so much that it feels like it's the most important thing and that they shouldn't be doing what every other kid is doing, which is going through their young lives and developing and being the center of their worlds. Having a healthy romantic relationship after a divorce is also a beautiful gift you can give your kids after enough time has passed and when it's done thoughtfully. They then can have so much renewed hope and so much potential for believing in relationships. So I really do encourage it. It's just that we have to be thoughtful about it.

24:06Alison Scharf:Thank you for joining me for this conversation. Please stick around and subscribe to this channel for more episodes and practical content that you can learn from and use in your parenting in real time. Watch the next video, hear or sign up for my Substack newsletter at dralizapressman.substack.com and consider becoming a paid subscriber for access to me live each month in our subscriber Q &A.