Here's the Talk to Have Before Your Teen's First Party

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1:22Dr. Aliza Pressman:Good Humans podcast. I am so glad you're here. Let's just remember this is hard stuff because it brings up a lot in us. There's a lot of fear and there's a lot of reason to be afraid, but also reason to be excited for your kids. So first you have to get your head right. This feels huge. Also really figure out, are you ready for this? Are they ready for this? which person needs getting more ready and do you have a healthy caution or are you doing fear-based parenting around this all totally understandable so the talk before they go here's the thing i want you to talk to your teenagers your adolescents about parties before they start going to parties just like sprinkle little things in once in a while not on the car ride to the party.

2:13So keep that in mind. You want to just infuse your values and expectations a little bit throughout time so that it's not all a surprise. But one of the things to pay attention to is like, what are they hoping to get out of this party and out of parties in general? What are their reality checks about what parties are like as an adolescent? What are they seeing in movies? and what are they expecting? Ask, get curious, and you'll get a lot more information than if you just lecture. Also, we are older and we remember, but like we don't really remember. And so just keep that in mind, get curious. And then when it comes up, which it will, either they're gonna bring it up or you're gonna bring it up, alcohol and drugs need to be a discussion.

3:04Even when you think, no, they're going to their first party, but they're 13, you need to have that conversation because they can get offered something and just feel very stuck. So the first thing when you're talking about alcohol and drugs is, again, curiosity, but also very clear, confident limits around what you expect of them. And also very clear, confident compassion that no matter what happens, you are the person they would come to if they're in trouble. That is the running theme throughout all of this. What I think gets confused is if that's the running theme throughout all of this, that you are the person that they should come to, even if they make a mistake, even if they break a rule you were very clear about, that doesn't mean that we need to be their best friend who's like Amy Poehler bringing them the alcohol before the party for the pregame because we're just so happy they're honest with us.

4:04That is a mistake that happens time and again, and we just have too much research on what that means for long-term health and relationships with substances. So even though it can feel tempting if you want your kids to tell you everything, to offer them the alcohol or the space for it, trust me, or look at the piles of research. We've had quite a few episodes with experts who look into this. It is not good to set the expectation that it's okay to drink and that you expect them to. There's evidence that early substance use doesn't train you to be more moderate with substances. But in fact, the earlier you start, the more likely you are to get into heavier use and by college get into binge drinking.

4:57There is a myth that somehow if you just get little bits of practice that you're going to get better at it. And I want that to be clear so that people help themselves understand that you're not supporting your kids by being like, I drink, you'll drink. It's okay. Call me anytime. That's not the tone. The tone is my expectation is that you will not drink and you will not do drugs. And here's why. There's so much evidence that when you start earlier, it actually increases your likelihood of substance misuse and disorders. It actually increases your risk of psychiatric disorders later in life. And it's much more likely that you're going to get worse over time.

5:38So beyond that, it also puts an already anxiety-provoking time of life of feeling like you're not cool, feeling like you're doing something wrong, feeling self-conscious. It makes it exponentially worse in the short term, like maybe having a drink makes you feel more relaxed. But then the next day or later when you made choices that you would not normally make, you're going to be put in a position to spin out even worse than you would have if you hadn't. So next comes, my expectation is that you won't because your safety is most important to me. And I'm thinking short term and long term. So how can I support you in going to these parties without feeling the peer pressure of having substances.

6:25And that's a conversation to have. Again, not on the car ride to the party, but some other time. There are different things that you can do to prep for that. You can say, what's the emoji that you're gonna send me that tells me to reach out to you and say, sorry, emergency, I have to come pick you up. That will be the no questions asked. I'm just gonna come get you. And that will happen, whether it's because you're uncomfortable because the party went to a level that you weren't ready for or because you accidentally did do something that you're not supposed to be doing but you know that the safest thing for you to do is to just get picked up and come home there's a code word you have an exit plan and your kids need to know that it is absolutely possible to hold both of those things true that you have the expectation that they won't engage in that and that you have a code word and an exit plan where you will have no shame or punishment involved.

7:17You will pick them up. You will not look at them in the car and say, what happened? Tell me everything. You will say, I'm so glad you reached out. Let's go home. That's it.

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9:38Now, another question to ask with a party is, who's going to be there? Are there any parents there? I personally think it's really important to make sure that there's another adult there. You need to decide how you feel about it and then ask your kids to make sure that there is that adult there to tell you who it's going to be, to tell you where it is. You have to know the address to keep them safe. And, you know, there is a trend in some cities where I don't quite know how this ends up happening, but people rent out Airbnbs and locations that are not like owned by any of the parents. And so kids are going to random locations with no adults there and no supervision.

10:25and it's sort of a given, you can hear from your teenagers things like, well, that's where everybody's going. And they also might say, that's embarrassing. You're invading my privacy. And I just want to give you the confidence of saying, I know it feels like I'm invading your privacy. This is one of those times when you don't really have privacy. Again, your journal, your diary, I'm not invading that. But looking at your cell phone, looking at your social media, looking at where you're going to a party, that's my business because my business is making sure that you are safe and that you're making the kinds of choices that can keep giving you more and more freedom as you develop.

11:07Now, the substance use and misuse is like one part of the conversation, but there's another part of the conversation, which is parties like they're new. It's stimulating. It's scary. There's lots of people around. It's also exciting and fun. And people don't all know how to behave at parties and, you know, like how to fit in. That's one of the very difficult things about being a teenager is especially an emerging adolescent who's going to their first party. it's important for them to know that we know it's hard and it's going to be kind of something they practice and some kids are going to be better at it than others because they're more naturally extroverted they have sort of a social ease they might even have that social ease with no need for a social lubricant like alcohol they're just like those those kind of people that are just sort of comfortable in their own skin.

12:06And then there are kids who really are better off in small groups. And when they get into big groups, they freeze and they don't know what to do. So another conversation to have is just, you know, recognize that you can't really know how you're going to feel at a party till you've experienced your first party. I personally am not a party person. I like smaller groups. And so when I get into a big space with a lot of people, I definitely probably still to this day freeze up a little. I just have more ease in my skin because I've had more time to cook. But you can talk about that and you can sort of ask if they're curious or interested in role-playing any situations.

12:47It depends on their age. The younger teenagers might actually be up for it. The older ones most certainly will not be. But offering it just like, hey, do you want to try this out? Anything that you want to do, I'm here for it. And also, I can leave you alone about this, but I just want you to know it's hard stuff to navigate. If you're thinking that it is easy for everybody, it's not. It's like a huge part of adolescence. Also, if you suspect there isn't going to be adult supervision, you have a decision to make as a parent. I don't like no adult supervision personally. It's not something I'm comfortable with because I want to know that there's like somebody who's paying attention.

13:28Now, there are plenty of people that say, well, if that adult is giving people alcohol and sort of trying to be besties with everybody, is that adult supervision? You know, things can go wrong either way. But I would like to be able to say, I know the adult, especially for the first few parties, as you see how your adolescent navigates this stuff. Say, I'm also uncomfortable with this. And it's not because I don't trust you. It's because I don't know me as a parent of a teenager going to parties. I'm getting to know that part of me as well. Adults are also navigating this. Other parents are like, I don't know what's going on either.

14:04If it's your first rodeo, it's uncomfortable. So find a couple people in your village and let them know and be on each other's team there. You know, support their kids, support your kid, and find that one friend if you're not that friend. I'm not the one who knows what's going on in like, you know, all the gossip of the school and the teens in the community. So I know who to ask. I've got my two friends who know every single detail of what parent is hosting and what's going on there and what the kids are doing. You need to find that person because we need support too. Okay. Now, if they say every parent is saying yes, and you're just the only crazy one, I want you to remember how untrue that is.

14:48And the way I know this to be true is how many parents come to me and say, but my kid says I'm the only one who's saying no. And by the way, I'm also a parent. I've heard those very words. And I'm also talking to all the other parents. So I know that's not true. So just remind yourself you're grounded and rooted in reality. And you know that adolescents, when they're feeling really desperate to get you to say yes are smart enough to figure out, is this going to bother you if I tell you that you're the only one? And as soon as they realize that you have the confidence, the self-confidence of a grown-up, like a proper grown-up, they'll stop saying that to you or they'll keep saying it, but it'll roll off your back because you don't need to prove yourself.

15:35The other conversation to have is about consent and physical safety. I mean, all of this sounds a little bit terrifying because we're talking about substances and consent. And I hope that a party isn't the first time these conversations are coming up because you're going to have these conversations at random times when you're watching movies, when you're watching TV shows. It just brings opportunities to talk about it in the context of someone else's life, like, you know, Rory Gilmore. But consent and physical activity, for those of you who don't know, I'm referring to the Gilmore Girls. But consent in physical activity is important for everybody to know about because what you want to know is another reason not to use substances.

16:21There is no consent when you use substances. And most kids are learning this from a very early age. You need to ask permission to touch someone else's body. And they need to be coherent when they say yes. That's really important. Instill your values, instill your family values. This is a time to say what matters to your family and remind them, like, just ask yourself, is this deeply important to our family? If it is, then pause and wait, and we can talk about it later because you're gonna experience challenges. I'm just realizing that I keep saying physical activity, but I mean physical safety.

17:01I'm not referring to sex as physical activity, which is what it probably sounds like. I can say the word sex or sexual activity. And a couple of other things about physical safety, although I guess physical activity made sense for consent, do not go anywhere alone, to the bathroom, out of wherever the party is. Never go alone. Always have a buddy system. That is so important. And by the way, it's important when they get out into the world. You don't want, and I'm gendering this right now to say in particular with girls, but I actually mean this with everybody. You do not, things don't end well when kids are left alone.

17:46And so it's very important to have a buddy system, to choose who that buddy is. And if that buddy becomes incapacitated, that that is grounds for code word for them to reach out to you or code emoji. Okay. So now the party is prepped for also remember to help them enjoy themselves and get dressed. And, you know, when it comes to what they're wearing, this is my value. This is not rooted in research, but teenagers are going to wear what they're going to wear. You are going to tell them what you think is crossing a line and what you think is okay and what you think maybe they should have a cover-up for.

18:30For example, if they're going in an Uber, which I don't recommend. I actually think it's really important for us to do drop-off and pick-up or have a village that will do it. But if they are, you don't want them going into an Uber dressed in a way that's provocative. And provocative sounds like I'm blaming the child for wearing something that looks too sexy. But I actually just mean we all know what that looks like and we don't want our teenagers doing that. It's just not safe for them. So it's not about what the world should look like. It's about the world they're living in means that when they dress like that, they are putting themselves at risk, period, full stop.

19:12It is factually true, even if it sucks. So I just want you to get comfortable with knowing that, Yes, you might get pushback. It's my body. I'm allowed to wear whatever I want. Sure, but you live on this planet and on this planet in this reality, you are not safe doing that. So you should always have a cover-up. It's the same cover-up that kids would have if they're wearing a sweatshirt over something that looks a little more inappropriate and then they take it off because they didn't want one of their parents to see it. I want them to feel the need to do that because it actually keeps them safe.

19:48if you are like yay everybody just dress how you want because you should feel good about yourself to be damned world they're not going to get the spidey scent signal i should put my sweatshirt on in this setting so i actually want them to cover up a little bit for you and then if they decide to change when they get to a party there is a message in that there's a message that they know that it's something that's a little bit probably inappropriate and unsafe and it's much more conscious. So I don't mind if they're covering up and then taking that sweatshirt off because they're trying to hide that outfit from you.

20:24I don't think you benefit from being like, as long as you tell me the truth, are you wearing a low cut shirt? You're fine.

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22:46Okay. Now, when they get into the car, when you're picking them up, and it's really, there's a few situations that you can imagine. First, always offer. I think it's great to offer picking up as many people as can fit in the car because you get information. you are a safe person and you know you can kind of get the lay of the land and also your kids know they have to look into your eyes their friends might not have to look into your eyes but they have to look into your eyes and so you've got a little extra protection because even if they're doing something that you would rather them not be doing they're doing it in a way that is kind of limiting how far they'll go because they do have to check in with you they're not having a sleepover afterwards.

23:31I know it's easier to do a sleepover afterwards, but we know how that ends. Like, that ends with if they want to have sleepovers all the time after parties and not at your house, that you're not getting all the information. So just remember, it's very powerful to stay awake and pick them up. And if they're staying out too late for you to stay awake, make an earlier curfew. Like, the curfew can only be as late as you can manage. Once they get in the car, if they're with friends, just smile, let them in. Don't even think about their state. Just let them enjoy themselves and gossip and you don't need to chime in.

24:11If they engage with you and like give you the scoop, great. Try to listen without judgment so that they give you more information. If they're getting in the car by themselves, let them have all the feelings they need to have. Tell you everything that was going on. And the less shocked you sound, the more they will always tell you. I have to remind myself of this all the time because I tend to, you know, my jaw drops still to this day, even though I've obviously heard a lot over my years. But when we can receive information, we're giving the kids a message that we are people they can keep telling things to.

24:49okay if you ask how was it and they seem bristly and they just say fine but you kind of know something's up give it space and then put on some music get home put a snack out snacks are always like just like an opportunity to chat a yummy snack ideally and then let them open up to you Don't insist because you can talk to them about it the next day. You can say, hey, I just wanted to check in because I thought you seemed a bit quiet after the party. I just was wondering if you wanted to talk about it. And then leave it at that. Now, if a friend going back to the car when you're picking someone up or they give you scoop and they're like, I'm going to tell you everything, but you can't tell anyone.

25:39And you find out that a friend did something that goes very much against your rules. your child's trust in you matters more than anything for their safety. So I would not immediately go telling the other parents about what happened. And I would say if there's something very dangerous that is putting their life at risk, the other child's life at risk, you can say, listen, I am not saying anything. I'm silent. I am like the safest place. don't worry except if there's like a life-threatening thing that happened I think I should say something and your kid is probably going to want you to because they're going to be scared and worried but there's a difference between life-threatening and just something that goes against your particular values so if somebody else had a beer and you are anti-beer you don't need to be the person to break the news to the other parent but if somebody is doing a drug where trying once could kill them, it's time to talk to your child about repeating that.

26:46If somebody was assaulted in any way, if anything like that happened, then you have a conversation of, okay, this is a conundrum we're in because I think we do need to say something to the other parent, but you're bringing your teen into it so that they don't feel like you're breaking policy. And the policy should be. You could tell me anything and I'm not going to ever tattle. I'm not going to do anything with that information. I'm here for you. You also have to decide how you feel about the other kid and what your relationship is with the other parent. I have plenty of times made the mistake of thinking that another parent would want to know that their child was drinking.