How to Parent When the News and World Feel Really Heavy

0:00The following podcast is a Dear Media Production.

0:10Hey everyone, welcome back to Raising Good Humans podcast. I'm Dr. Aliza Pressman. Today I'm doing a solo episode. I'm not even sure what to call it. Parenting through the storm, staying grounded during this unsteady time. I don't want to make a pithy, like ridiculous title, but what I'm hearing in my DMs, in my parent groups, in my conversations with friends, my conversations with my kids is how are we parenting when the world feels like this? And how can we support our kids to be aware of what's going on in the world and helpers in the world, but also acknowledge that we still forge on. I also want to be honest with you from the jump.

1:02I'm very disturbed by what's happening in Minnesota. I want to be here for everybody on any political spectrum. And also I really like don't understand what in the world is going on. So I'm not talking about politics in this episode. I'm not telling you what to think. I can't do that. I just also don't want to avoid the conversation because it's so relevant to our kids. They are feeling it. They're seeing the news. And I just think that I have to address it. What I'm not addressing is like the choices that you're making in terms of how you're showing up in your communities. That I think is an individual choice.

1:47I'm going to talk about the science, what we actually know about how stress affects our kids when it's not actually in their lived experience of being under attack or threatened, but they're watching other people, how our emotional states shape their emotional states, and what we can do practically speaking to raise compassionate, grounded, resilient human beings during a time that feels utterly unstable. So if you're feeling activated or if you're struggling with how to be business as usual and really give our kids the best of us while also doing scrolling at midnight and snapping at people in the morning, I am going to try to be here for you while, you know, staying in the lane of raising good humans.

2:37but I think this is pretty much in the lane. What this podcast episode is not going to address is the enormous psychological damage that separating kids from their parents causes, that putting kids in chronic stress situations and putting them in harm's way and their parents such that they don't get a break from that cortisol spiking. And we know that chronic stress in children leads to lifelong poor health outcomes. So when kids are experiencing these horrible stressors, their immune systems are compromised for life. So we see this decades later and I'm not addressing that. I'm not addressing the inhumanity of it because that's not what this episode is about, but as a psychologist and as a developmental psychologist, that's why this isn't a political conversation to me.

3:40I am simply not, it just goes without saying that anything that compromises children's long-term and short-term wellbeing is problematic to me. But this is, about not kids who are in chronic stress, not parents who are experiencing chronic stress. This is about those of you who are here listening in this community to help you parent in the context of a really bonkers political climate, frankly, and news cycle. I'm already nervous about posting this episode because it just feels like, you know, in this world where people get offended by so much, I don't want to say the wrong thing, but I also feel pretty confident that I have this beautiful community and you are awesome.

4:35And I, I've, I've never had a problem. Like I've had this podcast since 2019. We've seen the world go into, I mean, the pandemic happened. So many crazy things have happened and I've not one time in with you guys had any issues. Like it's kind of beautiful and remarkable, but for whatever reason, the people who are attracted to coming onto this podcast have this running theme of deeply just compassionate loveliness. So when I say the wrong thing, people don't yell at me. Maybe I've gotten a DM here and there where somebody says, hey, I wish you had said this in a different way. And I learned from it, but I love you guys.

5:23Cause I feel like I can just sit here and say what I think. And hopefully I'm going to be very helpful. And if not, you know, my feeling, shut it off, shut it out if it's not helpful to you. So let's first name what's happening. This is the first part of our conversation, which is before we talk about what to do, I, I want to say one of the things that I've learned in two decades of working with families and the healthcare providers that care for them is that we cannot address what we won't acknowledge. And right now, a lot of us are living in a state of chronic low grade stress. Some of us are living in acute high grade stress, in which case you should not be listening to this podcast or on Instagram or any of that because you have more immediate needs to meet.

6:11So this is not addressing people in acute threat. And if your temperament is more sensitive and attuned, you're going to be feeling the feelings of others more intensely. And so the news is going to hit you harder. The world is going to feel more unbearable to you than it is for the folks here who have more of the pioneer plant, those plants that can grow right after a fire, the dandelions of the bunch. We need you to, because you can stay steady during this really uncertain time, but how you navigate communicating with your kids and all of those things is really important. And so because the news cycle is relentless, I can't even, this week feels incredibly horrible, but like last week felt pretty bad and like last year felt pretty bad.

7:03So there's just, it's relentless. And the social media algorithms are pretty much designed to keep us activated and anxious. And I have torn because I want everyone to be aware of what's going on. There's something really important about being able to see what's happening, but it also keeps us scrolling. And I'm not sure it's super productive at a certain point. And then on top of it, real stuff is happening, real policies affecting real communities, real fear, real uncertainty about the future, but we are still raising our kids and we have to live our lives and it's complicated. So when adults are stressed, children feel it, even when we think we're hiding it well.

7:44And even when we never say a word about what's worrying us. So if you are feeling the weight of what's going on in the world and you are more of a sensitive temperament, you have to know that this is going to be really important to you. I mean, for you to pay attention to. There's an incredible body of research on co-regulation. We've talked about it so many times, but essentially it shows us our children's nervous systems are attuned to ours. And so if we're dysregulated, when our stress response is activated, we're in that fight, flight, or freeze mode. When our hearts are racing and our thoughts are spinning and we're obsessively just running through all of the problems with what's happening.

8:31Our kids are picking up on that. And it's not because they're eavesdropping on our conversations. It's their bodies are super connected to ours. They're borrowing our nervous system through our tone of voice, through our facial expressions, through our body language, and even just like how we're breathing. So in this parent-child relationship, which is the one we're really focusing on right now, our kids are essentially downloading our emotional operating system and they're learning what okay feels like by just being near us. So if you are feeling like you cannot take it, but you're not actually under threat, like you're under existential threat, perhaps you're questioning like how we're supposed to stay silent and calm at a time when it feels incredibly terrible for so many people.

9:23I want to recommend a middle path, which is that if you're not in acute threat, you actually have a real job to do, which is to stay grounded, pay attention, figure out where you can be helpful. So we need your nervous system to be in check because there are people who are really under threat and they are supposed to be in fight flight or freeze mode. So we need to teach our children that the world really isn't an unsafe place. And I know that that feels impossible right now. If they do feel that the world is unsafe, they're not going to be able to have their brains open and available for learning and growing.

10:06So keep that in mind because I think so many people are feeling like, but we, this is horrific and we need to be very angry and afraid. And I understand that. And I also understand that this isn't a one day thing. This is, you know, you're parenting every day. Bad stuff is happening every day. Both of those things need to exist together. And I'm not trying to make anyone feel guilty or more stress. I say it because I want you to feel empowered because it means that one of the most important things we can do for our kids in a hideous climate, in uncertain times, and there's research on this in much worse times than this, is to work on our regulations so that we can actually be there for them so that they and we can be there for other people so that we can make the world a better place.

10:59If we are stuck in a chronic state of stress where we're actually not personally under attack, we're not going to be able to help anybody else and people need us to help them. So when it feels like taking a deep breath is a luxury, I just, I'm going to say something that might sound offensive, but like we have that luxury if we're sitting here listening to the podcast and thinking about how we're raising our kids. So take a breath because this is, this is where, where we can actually serve the world and serve our kids is by saying, okay, yes things are really getting bad and also I am safe right in this moment and so I can be there for other people and now for a quick break I definitely don't need to tell you how great skims is because who doesn't love skims but I'm so lucky that they are my partners because they are easy to speak authentically about I'm already I was a customer long before they were a partner.

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15:20When I'm talking about taking a breath and regulating your nervous system and finding your calm so that you can parent, I know that it sounds ridiculous because if you just, if I just took a pause and then went on to look at the news, I would spin out a little bit. I have the luxury of knowing that I am not under attack. And yes, you could say that I am an American citizen and American citizens are suffering right now, but that's not gonna, that's, I have the luxury of getting myself regulated. There are some people who do not. again those are not the people listening to this podcast probably if you are this is not an episode I want you to take your time with there are communities that are being targeted there are families who are afraid to send their kids to school they're they're afraid to go to their place of worship they're afraid to exist in public spaces there are people whose immigration status is uncertain those are not people listening to a parenting podcast right now they're in survival mode and survival mode is not a choice.

16:26It's a biological response to real danger. So I just want to be clear. I'm talking about if on this episode, if you are in crisis, if your family's in immediate danger, this is not an episode I want you to take time with. You need safety, you need community, you need connection, you need concrete resources, and I want you to find those. and that is not what this is. So if you're someone who has the bandwidth to listen to this episode and think about how am I raising my kids in this climate? Am I talking about any of this? Is this bothering me at all? If it's not, do I need to say anything because it's a conversation that's happening?

17:04If it is, how can I manage to deal with myself and my kids? If you have that luxury of worrying about how to talk about it with your kids rather than worrying about whether you're going to be separated from them, this is the conversation for you. That is a privilege and it comes with, in my view, responsibility, not responsibility to feel guilty. That is not helpful in this particular case. It's a responsibility to use your capacity. I don't want you to squander your emotional resources on doom scrolling and panicking because to regulate is both a skill and a luxury and it's not so you can check out, but so that you can stay checked in, so that you can be useful when you're called upon, so that you can raise kids who will be part of making the world a better place.

17:57And if you don't individually feel like you're going to get involved in helping your community, get involved in raising your kid to be a compassionate, empathetic, good human. So that is your contribution to society. Like that is a noble cause because that is going to make our world a better place. So I, whatever you do, this is what I want the focus of this conversation to be on. I do believe how we parent in this moment matters. Kids we are raising right now are going to inherit this world. And if we want them to be the kind of people who show up for their neighbors, who stand up against injustice, who have resilience and compassion to keep going when things are hard.

18:43Again, regardless of what political beliefs they have, these are just, I'm just talking about human to human. Then we have to model it and we have to teach it. We have to teach our values and everyone is going to have probably relatively similar big values because we're all kind of in this community on Raising Good Humans podcast. But, you know, even being able to label what your values are and figure out what you believe is going to be really important and helping your kids make sense of what they believe versus what you believe, because you might not be on the same page. Okay. So this is not about pretending everything is fine as I'm like, get your act together, regulate your nervous system, but it really is about staying in the game.

19:27So you can actually do something meaningful, whether it's raising good humans or going and doing something active in your community. Parenting is really hard all the time. So the ultimate exercise is really understanding the weight of what's happening in the world, in your day-to-day, to you personally, being honest about how you feel, how scary it is, or how not scary it is for you. Because all of us, again, are different temperaments and having different histories and reactions to things. But either way, you're showing up anyway for your kids, not perfectly, but consistently. So what do kids actually need from us apart from knowing that we're functioning, that even when the world is an ugly place, there's consistency, stability in us, which is hugely important.

20:17That's what our kids need during this stressful time. And information isn't the most important thing they need. An explanation and perfect words are not the most important thing they need, even for adolescents and certainly for younger kids. the first thing kids need is need is a felt sense of safety no matter what no matter what they need a felt sense of safety and there's a difference between actual safety and felt safety because they're not always the same thing there are situations where children are genuinely unsafe and in those situations we need to actually create actual safety but for many of the families listening to this, the stress your kids are picking up on isn't about a direct threat to them.

21:08It's about the ambient anxiety in your home, the tension they sense in your body, the worry in your voice, the hard conversations at school if they're older, the questions they have about their friends or the larger community. Belt safety is about their nervous system. Does their body feel calm? Do they have a sense that the adults around them can handle what's happening no matter what? Do they have a place to land? And this is the powerful thing is that we are in that place. Our regulated presence in this climate and in any climate, no matter what's happening, this could be that you're going through your own personal crisis that has nothing to do with what's going on in the country.

21:50It has to do with something going on in your personal life. Our regulated presence is the single most powerful tool we have for helping our kids feel safe. So it's worth putting time and effort into. And from a practical standpoint, it means that before we have any big conversations about hard things, we're checking in with ourselves. We're taking a breath. We're noticing what's happening to our bodies. We're noticing what's happening inside our bodies. We're asking ourselves, how do I feel about this? Am I regulated enough to talk to anybody else? Or am I just going to accidentally transmit my panic?

22:26And again, I can hear some people saying, this is a time to panic. Go ahead and transmit it. But I just want to argue that if you are a person who is not under direct attack, your open and available, unflooded, regulated brain is a gift to the world because you can actually do something with that brain. If the answer is, I'm just not ready. I'm too upset. that my particular system is more sensitive and I just need more tools, that's fine. Then you can say, I want to talk to you about this. I have to take a few minutes to figure out what to talk about, how I'm feeling, and then I'm going to get back to you.

23:07And you can model regulation very actively. The second thing kids need, regardless of how heavy the world is, is connection. When the world feels scary, kids need to know that their relationship with you is solid. No matter how upset you are, no matter how freaky anything is, no matter how disturbing anything is, they need quality time to know that you're okay and that they've got you. So that's when you need to put down your phone. You're not saving the world by doom scrolling. You're not saving the world by posting something on Instagram and yelling at people who are not actually with you. put down your phone and look at your kids and let like put everything else aside and reconnect with them.

23:51The younger they are, the more you have to do this. In some ways, as I say this, I also think you're modeling for your teenage kids. We set aside time to consume information so that we are people who are informed, but we don't, you know, we're not working at CNN or Fox news or ABC or I'm just trying to say something that feels like I'm hitting all the places, but we don't need 24 hour news cycle and we need to model that for them. We need to be informed. We need to choose really solid resources and get information that we need and that's it. But we also need to put it aside because your job is to be a parent and that relationship's really important.

24:35So just paying attention to when your child needs to know that you're okay and needs some time with you. And keep in mind, no matter how heavy the world gets, sometimes kids are gonna be curious. Some kids can't handle it. Some kids aren't ready for it. And I've heard many people say, if this child can go through this horror, then my child can hear about it. And I actually think that's not super accurate because that just means more children are horrified. Instead, you're thinking about the long game of raising a compassionate, empathetic, thoughtful kid who can function and regulate. So freaking them out is not actually doing anybody any favors.

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30:18It's, you have to double down on that. And the thing that I also don't want to suggest is that you not be honest. You just need to be developmentally appropriately honest. So that's where I think a lot of parents get stuck in oversharing or undersharing. So this is the next part of what I'm talking about right now is talking to kids about hard things. What do you even say? How do you explain what's happening without scaring kids? And the first thing that I'm going to remind you is listen before you talk. Start by asking what your child already has heard. Have you heard anything at school about what's going on in the news?

31:00Or I noticed you seemed a little worried. Is there anything on your mind. Kids are often very aware of a lot more than we think. And they hear things on the bus or on the playground or from older siblings, or they're on social media, whatever it is, it might've been distorted or scary or confusing or not distorted, but incredibly scary or confusing. I mean, the videos this week were devastating. No child should be looking at that. So before you launch into an explanation, find out what you're working with. And then once you understand what they know, you can fill in the gaps, but just fill in the gaps that need filling.