Independent Play, Play Pockets, and What to Do When Your Child Says “I’m Bored” with Lizzie Assa

0:00The following podcast is a Dear Media Production.

0:09Hello and welcome to Raising Good Humans podcast. Happy, happy new year. I just am so excited to be here with you to start the new year, to have continued conversations and like laugh with you and get deep and think about raising our humans and ourselves. and I am wishing everyone the most meaningful 2026. I love that you're here. Please stay here and let's do this. Today, we are talking about independent play. My guest, Lizzie Asa, is an education expert and her new book, But I'm Bored, Discover the Power of Independent Play to Raise Confident, Resilient Kids, is coming out. And what we're talking about is, of course, I think people are pretty sold on how important independent play is, but we're going over kind of what are the pitfalls, reminding everybody or letting you know what incredible skills independent play develops.

1:15And more importantly, how, how do we help our kids build this skill? Cause it's, you know, hard to distinguish between independent play and ignoring and how can we use play prompts to set up independent play? What do we do when our kids keep coming to us? How do we create like a real quiet time and make it a thing? And how to deal with some of the challenges that come up. You might know Lizzy Asa from her Instagram workspace for children. And I thought this was a great conversation to lead up to when you're home more during vacation, because it's an opportunity to feel more motivated for promoting independent play.

1:58So first, just because it sounds like everybody knows what it is, but we maybe don't really know what it is. Can you just define independent play? Yes. For me, independent play is when play is truly led by your child. So that means the ideas come from your child, as opposed to when we typically play with kids and we tend to entertain them or say, look over here, do this, this works this way. Independent play is sort of the opposite. It's when a child really thinks of their own idea and plays about it. Okay. So that's independent play. What do people kind of, like what gets in the way of that? Because I know, actually we should go back.

2:43Let's talk about the true benefits of independent play. because sometimes I think, especially now, parents worry, let's say they're working and they feel like we have such limited time with our kids. We want to get everything in there for their cognitive and social emotional development. And, or they feel like, am I ignoring my child? So I think it would be great to sort of go through the benefits and then we can get into kind of the pitfalls and the practical stuff. I love that because I think for a lot of parents, you know, or I know for almost all parents, What we do is we want to always give our kids either what we didn't have or a leg up.

3:19We want to get them into every enrichment, tutor, every possible thing, right? And so, and we're doing that with love and really the idea that we want to, we want to give them that leg up, right? But if we take a step back and we really look at the research and we really think about play, play is the thing that is actually what we're trying, the goal is what we're trying to give our kids, right? is we want them to build their executive function skills. We want them to become kids who are self-starters. We want them to be a kid who can say, hey, I have an idea and it might not come out right the first time.

3:56And I'm okay with that. I'm going to keep trying, right? Those are all benefits of independent play. And I think, you know, a lot of times, and I am not by any means saying you shouldn't sign your kids up for enrichments or aftercare, sports. But a lot of times now when kids are really scheduled, they're missing those opportunities because they're being told what to do and when, right? At all times. And so when we can really step back and plug in independent play, we're really stepping into giving them those skills that I think we're at the impetence of wanting us to sign them up for things in the first place.

4:30And how early do you start talking with parents about independent play? I actually had someone ask me a question today and they have an infant and they said, is too early to start teaching my child independent play. And I'll tell you this, it's never too early and it's never too late because for me, independent play isn't about changing your entire parenting. It's about making really small shifts in how we interact with our kids, shifts that, you know, build that play confidence. So for example, if you have an infant, you know, I think culture tells us to, you know, get that rattle, really get in their face, shake it, show them what it can do, talk, talk, talk to your child.

5:10Those things are great. And if you're doing that, that's great. But I want you to also take a minute to step back and observe what are they noticing, right? Take a minute and say, oh, you see how that rattle is rolling or whatever it is. But it's really more about the adult getting into the habit of observing their child and reflecting back to them what they're doing. You want your child to run the show, not you. Yeah. I'm just thinking about little ones. and even with babies, if they are, if they seem like they're enjoying themselves and they're curious and interested in the shadow play of their hands and the wall, we might interrupt that because we're trying to engage them, but that's such a beautiful time to just let them be.

5:52So, so the pitfall or like interruption that might happen maybe comes from this feeling that we're supposed to be attuned and that we're missing out. So I wonder if we, maybe it's talking about like what happens when you get a bid for attention during independent play. Yeah. I love that. And I think, you know, I often will say to people too, especially when kids come and say, I'm bored. Yeah. For me, that is, that's a bid for connection, not really them wanting us to tell them what to do. Right. And so I think, you know, when our kid comes to us there and I'm bored, my first instinct is really going to be to say, okay, well, are they hungry?

6:33Like, have they eaten? Have we had even just a few minutes to connect today? Are they overtired? Right? Those are just like their basic needs. Okay. And if those are met, then I'm going to say back to them, okay, like boredom is a good thing. I don't think you really want me to tell you what to do, but I can help you think of what to do. Right? So I can, I can remember back to yesterday when you came home and you were really bored. And then you started building with your magnet child and we had to leave for soccer. Really wish that you could have time to keep building. Do you think that's something you might want to do right now?

7:06That's a great example. What are some other examples that are like, your child says they're bored, you're feeling overwhelmed. You, you kind of know that there's plenty to do. You don't want to snap at them and say, what did my mom, my mom always said, like, boring people get bored. I've heard them all. I feel like that doesn't feel like the nicest way to put it. My mom used to always say, well, I'll give you something to do, you know, meaning chores. But I think, you know, it makes a lot of sense. I mean, as parents, you know, we're buying them all these toys. We're doing all the quote unquote right things.

7:43So when they come to us and say they're bored, we immediately get on the defense, right? Because it feels like an insecurity for us. Am I not doing enough? Did I not provide enough? I should have signed them up for that third enrichment that all their friends are doing, right? And we, it immediately puts that spotlight on us. And instead, I'm going to really encourage you instead of saying, well, you have a whole room full of toys. Instead, I want you to step back and scaffold the thinking for them. Because sometimes, I mean, like I'm a grownup, I study boredom. And sometimes I can feel overwhelmed, right?

8:14By not knowing what to do or how to start. And so I think when we can help them get started from their own idea, that sort of bridges that pathway, right? So we want to either A, remind them of something that they were doing before that they really loved. We can also think about something that they already love, even if it's like a TV show and you're not going to put on a TV show, you're not going to put on the TV, but you might say, you know, you've been thinking so much about Louie or, you know, whatever it is. And he won, you were telling me about that episode in the car today. I wonder if you want to get your Louie toys and play about that.

8:51So, right. So you want to bring up something that already feels on their mind, relevant and important to them and just help them bridge that into in real life. And now for a quick break, you guys know that I love you and I love mothers and I love mothers feeling good. And I do not love when people make anybody feel less than or stressed out or just judged in any way about feeding. And that is why I love Bobby because they are a nonjudgmental, so like so committed to healthy feeding. It's a formula brand that is European inspired infant formula. It's USDA organic. And so whether you're exclusively formula feeding or you're combo feeding, or you are fully breastfeeding, you are completely committed to that.

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12:03That's oseamalibu.com, code humans. Okay. So what are some other examples of facilitating that play if they're really struggling? Yeah. I mean, listen, and I also want to say too, even if you do all the right things, your child is still going to push back because that's their job. We want kids who push back. I know I do. And again, it's then I'm going to say, it's my job as the mom not to, you know, get anxious about that pushback, right? Instead, I'm going to say, oh, right. It's their job to push back. This is so normal. And you can say, yeah, I know it's really hard to figure out what to do when you don't know what to do.

12:41How can I help? You know, you're not going to start saying you could color your coloring books. You could do your math homework. You could do, right? Because those are all going to be a no. We know that, right? So you're not feeding the ideas. You're not feeding the ideas. You're sort of co-regulating with them with your own calm about their boredom. You're not getting anxious about their boredom, right? So that's going to help calm them about their boredom. And then you're just going to give them small snippets to sort of get started, right? I remember when you worked on this. I wonder if you might want to do this.

13:13You know, keeping the ball on their court. The other thing I really encourage parents to do is to use their home as a way to sort of ward off that tricky spot, right? To ward off that anxiety part where you just don't know what to get started. And what I mean by that is, you know, setting up your home in a way that makes it easy for kids to get started playing, right? Right. So and that's as simple as we're moving the barrier of, you know, you might have a ton of art supplies. Right. Because you you every time you saw a project on the Internet, you were like, oh, my kid's going to do that. They're not going to be bored.

13:47And then you shove it in the closet and the markers are in the bin. And in order for your child to get started playing, they have to first get the stool. They have to know where they are. They have to drag the stool over. They have to pull it down. They have to sift through things. And by the time they get the markers, honestly, they've used all their energy and they don't want to do the markers. So one thing you can do is just be proactive. Have those markers and paper just on your kitchen counter. It's not a project. It's not something elaborate that you should spend time on. It's just kind of thinking ahead.

14:16When my kid comes in, there's not an activity today. So are the markers out? Or if there's someone who loves to build, are those magnetic tiles really easy and accessible or are they put away in the box, in the closet behind the train table? So we're just gonna think about removing any barriers to play to help them get started. So like, and all of this just, you know, you can, I can look behind you and see these open shelves and like everything is within their reach. So are you like, how do you make sure that it's not an overwhelming amount of stuff? Yeah. You know, people often come to me and say like, how many toys is too many toys?

14:57How many toys? You know, they want that magic number. And I've even had, you know, interviewers interview me before, you know, what is that magic number? But I'm, you know, I'm always going to say it really depends on your individual child because some kids thrive in a messy playroom with a lot of options. That's the truth, you know? And some kids really need just one toy that you know, they're interested in on a table in your kitchen, right? So it's really observe your child when they are planning and take note in your head, you know, and this isn't the time when they're coming to because they're bored.

15:29Think about the times that they are playing and content. Make note of that in your head. Like, what does that room look like? What are they playing with? Because those are all things that you can note down to set up for next time. You always want to use a strength-based approach for this. You will go so much farther with it because the goal is really to build confidence in your kid. And the way we do that is with repetition, with helping them feel successful and letting it come from them, not you. So what are some play prompts if you're like, I want to get started. We've never really done this before.

16:05I haven't really, like I've felt guilty if they're just sitting doing something on their own, which I don't know that parents feel guilty about that anymore if they have multiple kids. I think this happens more if you have one child. So maybe let's say you only have one child. And so you have more opportunities to sort of give them a lot of attention how can you give kind of independent play prompts over maybe we can think developmentally over the years what you would say sure so you know there's actually a section in the book that talks about only children and independent play because that is something that really comes up for a lot of people and I interviewed a mom who of an only child and she was so correct in saying it it is so almost even more important for only children to have those independent play skills because the parents can get burned out really easily, right?

16:59Because independent play is not only good for your child, but it is good for your entire family unit. But if we want to talk about really simple ways to get your kids started playing, wherever your family spends the most time. So let's say maybe for a lot of families, it's the kitchen, right? We're always making snacks. We're you know, where we always are. I would put a small low table in my kitchen and put out some really simple toys, like the magnetic blocks or tiles or a piece of paper taped down to the table with just one or two crayons, right? Because a lot of kids, if they're not used to playing independently, talk with, you know, going back to that bid for connection, like they're probably going to come over and throw the crayon, right?

17:40Because that's going to get your attention and that's what they're used to and that's what they're looking for, right? So we really want to limit those materials, but have them right next to you. So you can do your work while they do theirs. And they are still going to say to you, mommy, play with me. Mommy, play with me. And you can play with your child. It's okay to play with your child. I think there's like all the stuff on the internet about like, you should never play with your child. You should always play with your child. You should do what feels right to you. And what is sustainable for you?

18:09Yeah. My thing really to help parents is just your role in play. I want you to think about your role in their play, right? So are you the leader? Are you the entertainer? If you are, you're going to burn out quickly because they're not, they're going to keep looking to you for ideas. But instead, if you can think of yourself more than mirror, if you can think of yourself as sort of an extra on the set, you know, not the lead actor, that's what's going to help your child build play skills and you can start to step back slowly. And now for a quick break. Avocado green mattress is the mattress I would have gotten when my Penelope and Vivian were babies.

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22:06Play pockets are like, I feel like once you nail down a plate, like play pockets in your home, you are a superhero of play because what it really, essentially what a play pocket is, is just setting up little pockets of simple toys that you already know your kid loves in the spots where you need them to be independent. So, you know, we used to, everyone used to laugh at me because in our bathroom, on our main floor, in our house, if you opened up the cabinets under the sink, instead of seeing towels or toiletries, there were little mini cars, little mini blocks and little mini people figurines.

22:46But that was really intentional because I have three kids and they were all three little kids at some point. And so if I'm giving baths, I'm still supervising the other kids. Right. And so instead of constantly saying, wait, wait, no, don't touch that. Don't do this. They could open that cabinet and just start playing. Right. Or in my kitchen, you know, bottom drawer where, you know your toddler is opening and closing that drawer. That's what they are developmentally driven to do. And you can spend all your time telling them, no, don't touch that. Or you can fill it with a few simple toys that you know they love.

23:21And now they've plopped down on the floor and started playing at your feet while you're doing what you need to do. That's what a play pocket is. And it will change your life if you are a parent of young children. Give us more play pockets because that is such a great example. the cabinet during bath time. I just think that's like, yes. Yes. I mean, sometimes people will walk into our home and say like, gosh, it looks like a preschool in here. And they may not have meant that as a compliment, but I sure took it as one because to me, it meant that my kids could walk into their home and their default behavior was to start playing instead of their default behavior, you're picking up the remote or picking up the iPad, right?

24:04And so, you know, and also other, even adults would come into our home and sit down on the couch. And what do you know, their hands are now sitting and playing with those blocks and grownups need to play too. We all do. Right. And so anytime, you know, really anywhere, your kitchen, your bathroom, I mean, I remember in our laundry room, being down in our laundry room with my toddler and her getting into my husband's workbench and me constantly saying, no, you know, that's dangerous. Stop doing that. But I had to fold the laundry and I couldn't carry her and the thing and the bin of laundry to come upstairs to the playroom.

24:41And so I cleared off the bottom shelf and in there I put a few rags so that she could fold like I could fold because kids want to do what we're doing, right? But then also there was a small bin of books and a small bin of magnetic tiles. I didn't go out and buy anything new. I didn't set up a project. I just took what's already working and brought it to where I needed play to be. And okay. So for people who are like, like my sister does not like things in the house. Her kids are much older right now, so it's fine. But if you're like, okay, fine, but I don't want toys in the house other than like a few things, how can you promote this independent play and keep it a little bit less child centered?

25:27Can you have the best of both worlds? So I'll tell you a funny story. One day my husband came home from work and our dining room table was no longer, I had sold it on Facebook Marketplace and turned our dining room into a playroom because I was like, I'm sorry. Like I need them to be able to play on the main floor in order for me to survive their early childhood, right? So you don't have to go to that extreme, but what you can do is, you know, you have to give a little to get a lot, right? And so I think, yes, you can have it both ways, but the more you lean into the season you're in, like it might be, you know, a little childlike right now, you might have, you know, racing cars on your coffee table instead of a beautiful vase.

26:11It's not going to be like that forever, but what will last forever is the calm and the patience and the play skills that your child developed and the bandwidth that you got back, right? Like totally. The bandwidth that you got back when your kid was playing. without you. Yeah. Instead of just chasing down and saying, no, no, no, don't touch anything. You kind of can relax. Don't touch that. That's right. And the relaxing part, and of course, you know this, the relaxing part changes the vibe of your entire family dynamic. So it's like, it's not really just about, oh, play is so important. It is.