Listener Q&A: Biting, Potty Training, Separation Anxiety & Early Lying

0:00The following podcast is a Dear Media Production.

0:09Welcome to Raising Good Humans podcast. I'm Dr. Liza Pressman, and I hope you are settling into what I consider the first week of the new year. Today's episode, I'm answering four listener questions. They are about biting, potty training challenges, school separation, and beginning lying. So if any of these issues have come up in your life, hopefully I'm giving you some good tips for the next time it comes across. And please keep sending in your questions. I'm going to try to answer more of them on the podcast. And I hope you have a beautiful January. Here's a listener question about biting. My two-year-old has started biting other kids at daycare and I'm mortified.

0:56The teachers keep sending incident reports home and I can see other parents giving me looks at pickup. I've tried everything. I say no biting. I try redirecting. Is there anything that you think of that could work? Why is he doing it and how can I stop it? Okay. Toddler biting is so much harder for adults than it is for the toddlers experiencing it because it's just embarrassing, frankly, and you're worried they're going to hurt someone. And so I totally understand the shame that comes with knowing that your toddler might be one of those ones that needs to be watched extra carefully and can't just let out loose to play with everybody.

1:39We're talking about a two-year-old. They don't have strong language development, if any language development. And so they're definitely more likely to act on impulse and it's totally developmentally appropriate, but there are things that you can do. Just remember first that you got one of the ones that's a biter and it's no fun and it's definitely a temporary phase. If you were telling me that you had a six-year-old that was biting, we would be having a different conversation. But toddlers have very big emotions with limited skills and limited language. And when you have limited skills, like limited impulse control and limited language to say what you really want.

2:24Like, I don't want you to play with that toy. I'm playing with it. You might bite. That is a sign sometimes of frustration. It also can be a sign of a sensory need. Like some people just, oh, they need to bite something because they are seeking that sensation. They're not even acting out of aggression. So first figuring out what the origin of this biting is coming from. And knowing just to put this in perspective, having impulse control is a skill that's built as your frontal lobe is built. So when your prefrontal cortex is fully developed in your twenties, you should have your peak capacity for impulse control.

3:08Now that means at two, if you can imagine a growth, the growth of the brain, it's just not there yet. And so toddlers who can't use their words and don't have capacity to stop their bodies are going to struggle with this. So one thing you can do is exercise that skill. And you can do that by playing games, totally not in the heat of the moment, but just on the side, like musical chairs, like Simon says, although two is quite young for that. So you can do something more like freeze dance. So you're put on music, then you freeze the music and you have to freeze your body. Now this feels totally inconsistent with having anything to do with biting, except that when you do that, you exercise the muscle where your body wants to do one thing, which is move because it's moving to music, but it has to make an active choice to do something else.

4:02When you make an active choice to do something else, you are practicing impulse control. So doing exercises for impulse control really helps. What you don't want to do is scream at them, bite them back to show them what it feels like or humiliate them. So, and of course, if you've done any of those things, please be gentle on yourself. It can be quite triggering for adults when their kids do something like bite. But the reason why biting back doesn't work is that you're modeling the exact behavior you're trying to stop. You know, it's like teaching aggression with aggression. They're not at the age where they can be like, oh, I had no idea that hurt.

4:47Now I won't do it anymore. This is not, this is not developmentally appropriate. Saying no is totally appropriate in this instance. You can say no biting. Biting hurts. We keep our mouths to ourselves. You can bite and hand them something that they can bite, something they can do with their mouth. You can even give them like a chew toy. I know that sounds like they're dogs, but they make them for toddlers who have sensory stuff. Also identifying what might trigger this behavior. Does it happen more when they're tired? Does it happen at the end of the day? Does it happen when they're hungry? Does that happen when they're frustrated.

5:23You know, if it's happening in front of you, you could just really think of yourself as a detective and observe so that you can preempt it. If you start to notice they're getting frustrated, kind of jump in a little bit earlier. If you notice that there are higher risk moments that they need more observing happening, talk to the teacher, talk to your care provider and they can do shadow play. They can kind of really, without hovering too much, but thinking about protecting the other kids, they can get there and intervene just before anything happens and give them something else to bite. They can teach them to roar like a lion.

5:59So if you, ah, you want to use your mouth, but you're really frustrated and that's not something to do, try roaring because you can use your mouth and your jaw, but you're not hurting anybody else's body. You can also teach them you're mad. You can stamp your feet. You can teach them different things to do when they're mad. again, it's easier to do that not in the heat of the moment. So you practice during calm times. And then when those harder times happen, they can get that little reminder of something to do and they have a better shot at not biting in that moment. But in the heat of the moment, a brief response, because if we have a big reaction to something, it actually might accidentally promote having them do it again because they kind of like the adrenaline rush of the big reaction and the attention.

6:50This phase typically resolves by the time your child is three, definitely by four. If it's happening multiple times a week, it's definitely something to address at school. It's definitely something to address with the teacher or at daycare or at home to try to figure out kind of how to set the environment up a little bit differently so that you can set your child up for fewer moments of challenges. Remember that biting is more mortifying for parents than anybody else. It doesn't predict future aggression. It doesn't predict future problems. Most biters become perfectly lovely, delightful, non-biting adults and older kids.

7:37My last takeaway is your child's brain is just developing right now. And so it's a stage, it's temporary. try to remember that remind yourself so that you can regulate your own nervous system when you respond and stay consistent hold your head up high at pickup and remember that everybody is going to have a moment when their toddler is doing something they're kind of embarrassed by it's just this is your time and now for a quick break the harsh truth expensive products will not fix depleted cells if your body isn't getting the right electrolytes at the right time you'll stay stressed and depleted.

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11:28Her preschool is pressuring us because she needs to be trained to move on to her next classroom. I don't want to force it, but I'm also feeling pressure. Hell. All right. Potty training is a pressure cooker. It just is. And in hindsight, as your kids get older, it becomes something adorable and not big, but in the moment, it's so big. Here's the thing. First of all, some preschools just because of the kind of preschool it is. Like daycare can change diapers, but preschools, some of them can't. It's just really health and human services depends on their certification. So it feels like they're, you know, being difficult, but it's actually usually just about licensure.

12:14Three is a very developmentally appropriate age for potty training. So, and you don't want to wait too long. So now is a good time. But first, when anybody is having trouble with potty training, pause, Don't talk about it. Don't do anything for two straight weeks. Kind of give yourself a reset and then check on developmental readiness. So one of the things to check for and again, keep in mind, it feels like people are judging, but whatever. There's just always going to be a moment that someone feels embarrassed about something that's going on with their kids. And we all are going to have those moments.

12:53And then we're going to be embarrassed that we're embarrassed about something developmentally appropriate. And as soon as you can or as quickly as you can kind of untangle your sense of worth as a parent from outcomes with kids that are parts of everyday life that are just a little bit challenging, the better you're going to feel. So here are signs of readiness. First of all, just staying dry for two hours plus is a sign of readiness. So you could just kind of like gently squeeze the bottom of the diaper and you can tell if it's grainy and that they're dry. Awareness of the sensation of pottying is very important.

13:30So if they aren't noticing that they're peeing or pooping, then they're probably not ready. So you want to start letting them practice letting you know. Just say, let me know when you pee. so they don't have to tell you when they have to pee. Just let me know when you feel wet and start to see that they can do that. They also need to have some desire. So rather than you forcing them to sit on the potty and 20 minutes is a long time to be sitting on the potty. So maybe once you do this reset, you just don't place them on the potty too often. So maybe you just have lots of drinks so that you know that about 20 minutes later, they're gonna need to pee.

14:11and then you can go put them on the potty and turn water on. Water can ignite a need to pee. Water plus drinking. And this is very important. If your child feels like it's a power struggle, like you're desperate for them to pee in the potty, this is one where you will lose. There are two things that little ones can control. What goes in their body and what comes out of it. You have absolutely no control over that. Like, so given that you can't control that, if you try to control it, it is an opportunity for them to exert control. So let go. And that's why giving it a little bit of a break and then doing smaller goals is probably going to be easier.

14:58So that means not sitting on the potty for 20 minutes, but next time waiting until it's been a couple of hours. They've had a lot to drink and then saying, don't ask, but say, let's go sit on the potty and positively associate it with something. Now, this might be controversial for some people. It's not to me. It's okay to give small positive reinforcement for behaviors that are temporary and not related to ethics, morals, and values. Like, I don't think that a child who gets a sticker for peeing on the potty or just going to the potty is going to question their worth, is going to question their motivation.

15:41They're not going to grow up looking for a reward. That's when reward or not reward controversies have gone off the rails. Like, if you can say to yourself, will this matter in two years? Will this thing be an issue? You can give a reward. Okay, so one of the things that you can do is like offer a sticker or even just like a joyful, positive reinforcement of, you did it, you sat on the potty when mommy told you to. So making the potty accessible is also really important. So just like even getting a portable potty that's on the ground so they can just sit there quickly. And as gross as it might seem in the beginning of potty training, having it in whatever room you're in versus having them have to take the time to walk all the way to the bathroom, when you're celebrating successes, do so without talking about the failures.

16:33So it's not like commenting on accidents. You just say like, oh, you didn't make it to the potty this time. You'll have another chance next time and move on versus the celebration of you did it, you peed in the potty. And if you notice that the school is pressuring or shaming or getting upset, that maybe take a couple days off of school if you can. I know that that's unrealistic for some people because some of us have to go to work or take care of other children. But if you can, spend even the weekend focusing in a positive way on it at home and communicate your plan with the school so they know.

17:19Because you can do something called shaping, which is instead of the whole goal is like either going in a diaper versus going in the potty, you can have baby steps. So the first goal is to tell you that they peed. The second, and then they get positive reinforcement for that. Then after five to six days of that going pretty well, you can move on to, okay, you've been so good about telling me when you've peed. Now, let's see if you can tell me right before you pee. Then when that goes well for five or six days, you can move on to, you've done so well telling me that you have to pee. Now let's sit on the potty when you have to pee.

17:57And so you're breaking it up into sort of bite-sized skills. And again, if this becomes a battle, you pause for two weeks and then you start again. You just say, you know what? Now might not be a time that you wanna do potty, peeing in the potty or going to the bathroom in the potty. We'll try again later. And you just move on and don't talk about it. No child is gonna go to college. hopefully being in their pants. So you can know that potty training is going to happen when your child is ready, when it feels fairly low pressure, when there's some positive reinforcement and there isn't a lot of negative reinforcement.

18:37If your child feels embarrassed or they feel like they're not successful or they've failed at something with regard to potty training, reassure them It takes practice and they're going to have your support helping them practice. And now for a quick break. This episode is sponsored in part by BetterHelp. So during the new year, it doesn't actually require a new you. It just is a great time to sort of check in with yourself. Many people do it. And one of the ways that you can unburden the mental load is to find a therapist that's there for you. so you can easily identify what weighs you down, what are your hopes and dreams, what boundaries are you needing support to set, and just someone to hold space.

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21:51Z-I-P-R-E-C-R-U-I-T-E-R.com slash humans. Okay, so I just had an incredible holiday. lots of flying, lots of traveling, lots of learning. Definitely wanted to start the new year off well. My cupboard is for sure filled with supplements and, you know, product labels that claim lots of great stuff. But I was really excited to have cachava because it's just a shake that's made with nothing bad, no artificial flavors or colors or sweeteners. It's non-GMO. It's no soy, no animal products, no gluten, no preservatives. So none of the yucky stuff, just clean nutrition to fuel wherever your day takes you.

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23:40The teachers say that she's fine five minutes after I leave, but I spend my entire commute crying and feeling like a terrible mother. Oh, should I be doing longer goodbyes, shorter goodbyes? Is this normal? When does it end? Okay. First, I feel visceral empathy for you for feeling so sad at that moment of goodbye. I know it's so hard to leave a little one when they're crying, but this is just hard because it's going against all your parental instincts. Your instinct is to, when your child is expressing distress, to be there for them. But of course, they're at daycare because you have to go to work and they need to be cared for.

24:27And you can remind yourself they're in a safe place. They are. This is a temporary feeling. And we're, you know, my child is loved. And then if you need to give yourself a little cry, totally understand. It's really one of the hardest parts about being a working parent. But if the teachers report that your child is totally fine after a few minutes, it's really important to remember that and keep reminding yourself of that. So as it happens, unfortunately, separation anxiety happens to peak around 18 months. So you're getting a lot of this because it's prime time for separation anxiety. And it actually typically peaks from like 18 months to 24 months.

25:15And then it comes back again around three years. So there are moments that have like it's a little bit harder than other times. It's developmentally normal. It's a sign of healthy attachment. As long as your child is happy to see you when there's the reunion at the end of daycare, you know that they're doing totally fine. Crying at drop-off is also like, it's a protest during this transition. This is not something that your little one likes. So reminding yourself, toddlers are very adaptable. She is adapting, but giving a couple of rituals that might make it a little bit easier can be helpful.

25:55So keep goodbyes brief and confident. Your confidence that you are dropping her off in a safe and consistent setting is going to be important for her to know. If you also seem distressed, that's not giving her the cue that she could feel safe with this choice. So, and if you drag it out and then, you know, she's crying more, so you stay more, it's sort of letting her know maybe she should be crying. And again, it's totally developmentally appropriate, but the long drawn out goodbyes can increase anxiety. So give the same goodbye every day. You can do a ritual. We used to do the kissing hand ritual.

26:38The kissing hand ritual comes from a really sweet book called The Kissing Hand. It'll probably make you choke up when you read it. You can read the book before bed and then practice this at bedtime and it becomes this ritual. In the book, it's a mommy raccoon and a baby raccoon. Sometimes it's easier to talk about these hard things in the context of other characters and animals. But in the separation, there's a ritual where the mommy raccoon kisses the baby raccoon's palms. And then anytime the raccoon misses the mom, she can put her hands on her cheeks and say, mommy loves me or mommy always comes back.

27:16And so you can do that same thing. We used to do the kissing hand. You kiss the palm of your child's hand and then say to them, when you miss me, just put your hands on your cheeks and you say, mommy loves me or mommy always comes back and remind them, this is very important, that this kissing hand does not wash off. There's no worries about washing their hands. It's there and that you'll feel that love to just the warmth of that moment when they put their hand to their cheek and they can remind themselves that you're feeling that same warmth. And it gives them a ritual. And then you leave the same words, the same actions every single time you say goodbye.

27:59They know what to predict. They know what to expect. It's soothing in and of itself. So try to remind yourself that that can take a week or two of absolutely having the same and goodbye every single time. And then they'll start to feel like, okay, I get this. And then when you come back, mommy always comes back or daddy always comes back or whomever is picking them up. And we also had a beautiful ritual at my younger daughter's preschool where there was a prism. It was like a hanging prism and she would stand at the window. Each of the kids would get on a little stepstool, stand at the window and blow a kiss through the prism.

28:36And they were blowing a rainbow kiss to us and then we would grab the kiss. Now that can't happen at every school, but you can have a portable little rainbow prism if that's really fun. I think kissing hand is a little easier because we all have a mouth to kiss with and hands to hold the kisses. One last thing you can try is giving them a transition object. That is an object that gives them comfort that is not you, but is not them alone. So it can be a lovey, it can be any small thing. Sometimes if they're not allowed to have that object in the classroom, they can have it by their cubby in the beginning and it can be something that they go back to.

29:15You can talk to the daycare provider. If they're not allowed that, that's why kissing hand is very helpful because that's sort of a transition object that's invisible. We used to also have an invisible turtle. The invisible turtle was named Fred and Fred would sit on my older daughter's shoulder and be there with her throughout the day. So even though this is all really hard, just reminding yourself that it's not traumatic for your child. It feels traumatic for you, but it is actually safe. She's learning that you come back. She's learning that she's okay and that she's got loving caregivers surrounding her.