Sibling Fights: When to Step In (and When to Stay Out)

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0:40Dr. Aliza Pressman:Become a Fora advisor today at ForaTravel.com slash humans. That's F-O-R-A travel.com slash humans. And make sure you tell them we sent you. ForaTravel.com slash humans. I want to tell you a story, which was one of my most satisfying parenting moments of all time. And it's pretty minor sounding, but I was dropping off my sophomore in college. my younger daughter called me and we chatted for a few minutes because she was across the country and then she and her sister wanted to FaceTime they talked for an hour and were laughing and giggling and saying they missed each other and they were not fighting and they even made jokes about how they get along so well now and why can't they live together it was so deeply satisfying and i tell you this before we have this conversation about sibling fights when to step in and when to stay out not because my kids don't fight because lord knows but because this is an inevitability but it doesn't have to turn into the fear that we have which is why it makes us so angry which is that they're going to grow up and loathe each other.

2:05And in fact, the joy for me of watching them just be such close friends was indescribable.

2:15Dr. Aliza Pressman:So now let's talk about sibling fights. I'm Dr. Aliza Pressman, developmental psychologist, New York Times bestselling author, associate clinical professor at the Icahn School of Medicine, and the host of Raising Good Humans podcast. I am so glad you're here. So today we are talking about sibling fights, when to step in, when to stay out of it. And of course, we're going to talk about why it's so hard, why this sets us off like nothing else. And I'm going to talk to you a little bit about the low stakes practice for life that our kids are getting when they have these sibling fights. And so we want to help them get really good at fighting without over participating.

2:59And of course, knowing when it's too much and we have to step in. So there is a lot of research on sibling relationships and promoting positive sibling relationships. And overwhelmingly, we see that kind of emotion coaching your kids through this developmental trajectory, appropriately paying attention to their temperament, their skills, and their development is going to lead to a better long-term relationship, not just with their sibling, but with people in general. Now, the first thing that you want to do is sort your own head out. And that is true for pretty much everything. We all carry sibling baggage.

3:40Even if we didn't have a sibling, we carry the baggage of wondering or longing for or being really glad that we didn't have a sibling. Though most people who don't have siblings are longing for that mythical connection. The fairness trap is one of the first things that sets us off because we can all kind of look back and remember a time that it felt so unjust because one sibling was getting more than the other. And that could have been a piece of cake, or it could have been a rule that was just a little bit more flexible, or it could have been a new dress. That sense that one of you was just treated worse than the other or favored gets called up.

4:24That sense that one of you was more welcome or more popular or more capable or more praised. Those feelings can bring up a lot and you must deal with that baggage before you intervene with your kids or you're going to impose your long history with the concept of siblings on them, you are the witness, not the judge. You are the witness, not the judge. Keep telling yourself that because the minute you become the judge, all of that stuff, that judgment is coming from your history and what sets you off. So that is one way to find out from self-reflection when to step in. So you ask yourself, am I being the witness or the judge?

5:13Is this child in danger. So you then of course are going to step in. Is there a power imbalance? Then you're going to step in. Are they stuck in a loop? Is there a way to stay out of the conversation if it's equally matched or like everybody's pretty much safe and check in once in a while, everybody okay here? You really need to pay attention to, is this the kind of power dynamic that turns into toxic bullying. It very rarely is, though it does happen. And when that happens, it is on the adults in your children's life to make sure that you snip it because that can be harmful. And in fact, kids who experienced bullying from peers or siblings have much worse outcomes later in life.

6:04It's much, much, much more damaging than we realize. On the other side of it, bullying is very specific to power differences, to repeated vicious and intentional maltreatment of someone. And one of the things that isn't is being a jerk. They're going to be jerks to each other. That's totally fine. One of the things that you can think about is if I do need to intervene, how do I do so as the witness, not the judge? And for that, I highly recommend the sportscaster mode. That's where you are genuinely a sportscaster, a thoughtful, reflective sportscaster who's just observing what's happening because it's easier if you can have two people facing each other and sort of say, here's what I noticed.

6:55Here's what happened over here. Did I get that right? And you don't want to ask questions like who started it. this way you can validate both kids you can pick neither there's no winner here this is about figuring out what they need to come to some kind of an agreement and if they don't need you because it's just the normal wear and tear and they are physically safe they're gonna you know rough and tumble play is fine but when somebody's gonna break something not you know have a light discomfort that's when you have to intervene. One of the things about intervening without judgment and instead as a witness is that you want to avoid questions like who started it or you keep doing this or here's what's wrong with you.

7:48Remember when you tell a child what's wrong with them instead of what's wrong with a behavior, you are feeding the very habit that we don't want them using with each other, where the anger and the outbursts are now calling into question their worthiness as a person. You're so stupid. No, that behavior wasn't thoughtful. But you're so stupid means globally, I'm saying you are a stupid person. Nobody needs to hear that. It doesn't help siblings. And if the adults in their life are doing that as well, they don't even learn the habit. So that for me is a point of intervention. Like when there's dehumanizing behavior, I really, really like to pop in there and say, Hey, let's rephrase that.

8:42I don't even honestly, they could be screaming and yelling and being so nasty to each other and being physical with each other. But if I hear dehumanizing, I will pause the fight to change the language right then and there, because you want to keep wiring and baking into them that the language that they should be using, which is about talking about the actions, not who the person is. And then there are ways to sort of set up with your kids as they get older, two and up. I mean, under two, you really just need to protect the little one and do so in the best way you can without alienating the older child, of course, the older child is going to be going through a lot of emotions about having a younger sibling, having people say that baby is so cute, taking more attention away from them.

9:31Those are natural things. And also being told, you know, this is your best friend. Don't you love them? And they're thinking, no, I don't, but sometimes I do. So with the older child to go on a small tangent, the older child, you want to let them know, like, you know what? You can be both really angry at your sibling and love them very much. You can not like them today, but love them very much. Those are things that can live in the same person. They're called mixed feelings and they are very normal. And also you have to keep their body safe. And it's my job to make sure their body is safe because they can't protect themselves.

10:14so sometimes I'm going to do things like take their body away and hold them and that's because they just don't have capacity to get away fast enough so those are the honest kind of conversations you can have so that when you do step in with younger kids and their baby siblings it doesn't increase the tension and it's never about one of you is worse than the other or better than the other. It is simply about who needs protection from actual danger. Now, after the age of two or three, you really can emotion coach and help them figure out what is happening between them. But if it's like fighting over Legos, yes, you could come in and say, hey, Billy was playing with this first.

10:59He's going to do five minutes. I'm going to set a timer, then you're going to do five minutes. But that's for the days when you're too tired and you don't want to take the energy to sort of sit back and watch and wait and maybe make some observations. I noticed Billy was playing with the Legos and Timmy, I don't know where I'm getting Billy and Timmy from, but Timmy decided he wanted to play with the Legos. If Billy was playing with the Legos first and then Timmy wanted them, how do you think you guys can play together? Or who do you think should start with the Legos? Or some kind of guiding question that helps them decide what is the next step versus telling them everything they should be doing or not participating or helping them.

11:47So you would intervene if it got violent or aggressive or if Timmy knocks down kind of thoughtlessly and, And, you know, Billy is feeling hurt. You can give Billy words to express what's going on. And you can help Timmy understand that he might have wanted to say, I really want time with those Legos. But knocking them down wasn't the approach. So that's your witnessing and not judging.

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14:11Dr. Aliza Pressman:That's BetterHelp.com slash humans.

14:22there's also a few things you can do for prevention mode giving just one-on-one time with each child which can feel incredibly overwhelming but i'm talking about five or 10 minutes a day where they're leading the play is evidence-based to be incredibly helpful so one concept that is so helpful and will be helpful honestly throughout time and for many circumstances, but very much for siblings is understanding that fair does not mean equal and that it's not about equality. It's about equity. So you're going to give every child what they need, but you're not going to give them the exact same thing because they don't need the exact same thing.

15:07And one way to explain that very simply is would it be fair to give you each a peanut butter cupcake that's exactly the same size. They're exactly the same taste, the same recipe, but one of you is allergic to the peanut butter. That would not be fair, though it looks like it is equal, but it would be totally okay to say, you know what? You can't have the peanut butter. So I'm going to give you a vanilla one and make sure that you both get a cupcake, you're not getting the same cupcake. There are different examples just in life where you can help kids understand that getting exactly the same thing isn't necessarily attending to everybody's needs.

15:55And in fact, it might be incredibly unfair because it doesn't take into account circumstances that grownups sometimes know a lot more about and might need to explain to kids. It's going to protect you at that exact moment when they say, well, why aren't you getting me a phone when I turn 12. You got Sally. You got Sally a phone when she was 12. Well, you're different people. I've learned a little bit more since then. And I'm making a different decision because I know that this will be better for you at a different point. So you're also going to have maybe a different curfew because each kid is different.

16:33They have different skill sets. And if you're trying to be exactly equal, because that's what you think is fair, that presumes each kid is exactly the same and the same age and the same personality and the same temperament and the same interests and the same wants. And you get the gist. Another concept for them to understand that will help them get along long-term is stop labeling them. It can be so tempting to label your kids. Now, there are certain labels that you can give all the kids, and it does promote positive behaviors. Like telling kids they are a helper does promote more helping behaviors.

17:16But telling one kid in the family that they are the helper as opposed to another one, now you're creating a totally tense and problematic dynamic. So keep in mind that when you label, it really does set up a dynamic that's going to kind of not to get dramatic, but haunt them. And so you really want to be careful about labels, teachers and friends and, you know, other people's parents and family members, they are going to do plenty of labeling. You want to undo that harm because it really does set up a dynamic where there can be resentment, insecurities a lack of motivation so many tense moments that don't need to be as distancing as they can be between siblings and finally teach repair before they need to learn repair what we want for these kids is to understand that having a disagreement especially because they're not dehumanizing each other and they are working really hard to fight well that repair is making them stronger, making the relationship stronger, and that it's always part of this family.

18:31Repair, there's going to be discord. There is constantly discord in every relationship in our lives. And when you know that it's not an emergency and that the relationship is still strong, in fact, can grow stronger when you have adequate repair, then you're building a much stronger foundation for healthy sibling relationships and other relationships later on. One thing about repair is it doesn't, it does come naturally in some ways. Like if your kids are fighting and then all of a sudden they're both giggling about something or, you know, they're sharing an inside joke or they're making funny faces at each other, all is well.

19:10And the repair is what you're witnessing. It's a reconnection. It's not like an open apology. and when the reconnection happens each time it is strengthening the relationship and it's showing them that this is forever this foundation is forever and it's gonna get messy but we always come back but there are going to be times when you feel like forcing an apology and i would say this an apology is not a repair unless it's actually an authentic feeling an authentic sense that you have done wrong and that you want to do right by the other person. And so saying the words, I'm sorry, and saying, apologize to your brother, that's not teaching the repair that the scientific literature is referring to.

19:58You might want to have a nice habit of saying, I'm sorry, here's why, and here's what I hope to do to make it up to you. I definitely think Learning how to apologize is an important skill, but if it is not authentic, ask yourself, have you ever stayed less mad if somebody gives you an inauthentic apology? My guess is you get more mad and that it was probably better to just wait and get the apology when it was authentic and it was meaningful and it really helped with repair. So just keep that in mind, but there is a way to say, how do you think that made your sibling feel? And is there something that you can do that might help them feel better?

20:41That's a question you can ask your child. And if they said to you, no, there's nothing I can do. They're not ready. It doesn't mean you drop it. It means later you come back and you say, hey, have you had time to think about that? But forced apologies is not repair. That's kind of fake repair and fake repair doesn't build strong foundations. so there are some hard situations like when there's one child who's really like you see that they're the instigator or there is a neurodivergence or a learning difference or just a way of being that is different that can look like favoritism because there's more need or there's huge age gaps or blended families or twins so there are there are times that can get much more challenging than just be an emotion coach, try not to step in unless there's a real problem and build the, you know, building blocks that can help them longer term.

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23:39When one child is really the instigator, without using like a tone of this is a problem, but at least giving the other children in the family the opportunity to know that you see what's going on. You can say, hey, I do notice that your sister has started the last few fights and I am paying attention to how hard you're working to try not to get into a brawl. And I know how hard that is and we'll keep working on these skills. And to the instigator, if that really is happening over and over, first, try to really get curious and pay attention. Why are they instigating so much? Let's figure out, do they need a little more one-on-one time?

24:27Everyone. Is there something that you don't realize or you weren't paying attention to that they're longing for or that they're jealous of or that they, you know, need. And let's try to figure out how to meet that need without taking away from the other sibling. When you just yell at them, they're always starting it. You've had enough and you punish them. It doesn't teach them the underlying skill or the self reflection skill of going, why do I keep starting this? What do I really want? So teach that instigator to figure out what do you really want and let's figure out how you can get it because one of the most important things that we can teach our kids is figure out what you want figure out a productive way to get it because just trying to get it through being the instigator and picking fights you end up losing most of the time now there's something that i believe um probably somewhere on social media, this idea of the glass child came up and it's the child that you see through because you have a higher neat child.

25:34And my kids taught me that term, but I think it happens a lot. And kids joke around with that term now as just generally they'll say like, I'm clearly the glass child, um, or they'll say it to one another. The thing is pay close attention because there are times when one child does have a more specific need than the others. And those are times to take, you know, take a moment, figure out, okay, what do I have to give to each child? And what, what does it feel like is not, what need is not getting met from the glass child and talk to them and let them know like, Hey, I know this is going on. I'm, I'm trying to figure out how to make sure that everybody's needs are met.

26:23And I might need a little bit of help. I might need you to tell me what you're missing out on right now or what you wish you could do or what you wish I could say and allow that to be part of the conversation. And also every child needs to know that they are not the only child in the world and that sometimes they are going to be in a pissy mood because another one of their siblings is getting attention. So things that we are tempted to do that we do not need to do. If there's a soccer game for one child, we tend to try to make a plan for the other one so they don't have to be dragged to the soccer game because isn't that so boring for them?

27:01You know, I kind of think it's okay for kids to be bored and annoyed that they have to go support their other family member or just like there just aren't enough things for them to do. This is a bummer, but on Tuesdays they go and sit bored at soccer. But I think we've lost the art of not making sure that each one of our kids has exactly something catering to them and them alone. And so I want them to get a little bit of practice just kind of being inconvenienced and that it doesn't take away from their value or valuing their sibling and how to do so more respectfully. Like instead of rolling eyes and yelling about it and getting resentful, what can they do in a circumstance like that to make it a little less unpleasant because it's not changing.

27:46I want them to get the skill of give and take in a community. And their first community is the tiny little one inside the house. Another challenge I hear a lot about are twins because they're not the same, but they came the same time. And there's just from a practical standpoint, point somebody of that pair is going to have to accommodate the other one and it's usually the one that's easier to to kind of go with the flow and so you want to pay attention to whether or not that is happening at such a you know rapid rate that you then grow the lack of accommodation in one kid and the over accommodation in the other so paying attention to it and stretching the capacity of your less flexible child while also allowing your more flexible child to periodically just say like, I'm going to stand up for myself.

28:46Those are the kinds of things you're, you're growing a skill in each twin that they need to grow. And those might be different skills, even though they're twins, even though they have the same schedule and the same household and the same birthday, and they might even look very similar. they are going to each have different skills that they need to harness and some are going to be easier than others and you really just can share like oh i'm working on this skill with you because i know you can do it and sometimes we over accommodate the less adaptable child and in doing so we actually increase their lack of adaptability and i understand why sometimes it's truly just to keep the peace.

29:30That's why baby steps, you're just shaping over time capacity, stretching it. You're not forcing it right away. One of my favorite things that I think is unpopular today is forced family time. Forced family time is what it sounds like. It is forced family time. I cannot tell you how often I hear, well, we used to do Friday night dinner, but then the kids stopped wanting to, or they had other things that they want to do or friends they wanted to be with. I think it's okay to find a time during the week that is forced family time that is sacred to your family. Maybe you decide, okay, everybody can invite friends over, but we're not giving this up or maybe, and you, you know, you have forced family game night, but we tend to be afraid that our kids are going to be annoyed at being forced for, to have some together time, some inconvenience where they aren't doing exactly what they want to do when they want to do it.