3 Secrets to Raising Grateful Kids

0:00I don't have a lot of time to shop these days. In fact, I barely leave my office. But the weather's warming up. Days are getting longer. So when I do get a break, I want to enjoy my outdoor space. Thank goodness for Wayfair. Whether you've got a small patio, a deck, or a full backyard, Wayfair has outdoor furniture for every style, every budget, and every space. I ordered this ridiculously luxurious outdoor chaise lounge. Wayfair's price was unbeatable, and I did do some comparisons. With Wayfair, delivery's always fast and free, even on the big stuff. Plus, they offer installation and assembly services, which make the whole process less intimidating.

0:39So, if garden parties are in your future, I highly recommend you skip the mall traffic and shop at Wayfair.com. But don't wait until summer's in full swing. Patio season is here, and these deals won't last. So head to Wayfair.com right now to get your outdoor space ready for way less. That's W-A-Y-F-A-I-R dot com.

1:27color Xbox wireless controller. Learn more at windows.com slash student offer. While supplies last, ends June 30th. Terms at aka.ms slash college pc.

1:38Hi, this is Janet Lansbury. Welcome to Unruffled. Well, today I want to talk about something that we all want for our kids. We want them to feel it. We want them to express it. Gratitude. So we model this for them, right? We are generous with them. We're doing all the right things, but sometimes we find that it doesn't seem to be working, that our child doesn't seem grateful for the special things we do for them or what we give to them. And that's concerning, right? What I would like to do today, I have a note here from a parent, a question about this topic. I want to explore through her question why kids don't seem as grateful as we believe they should be and what we can do about it.

2:31The subject line of her email is handling perceived ungratefulness. So here's what she said. Hi, Janet. I have a hard time with this year-round, but I'm coming to dread the holiday season and would love your advice. I have two boys, aged six and four, and despite every effort to model and instill appreciation, I often find myself triggered by what I perceive as their ungratefulness. This certainly comes up with their expectations of more and more and more presents at birthdays and holidays, but I'll give another example from today. Right after breakfast, I took them to a movie at the movie theater, something we don't do very often, and I thought it would be a treat.

3:16They enjoyed it, but complained that I didn't get them candy and we didn't play an arcade game at the theater. Later, I took them pottery painting as they love to do crafts at home. They finished their creations in about 20 minutes, then whined that I wouldn't purchase another for them to paint. It feels like non-stop unhappiness when I'm trying so hard to make them happy. Things that are supposed to be fun end up not feeling fun. And I get that that's a me problem. Maybe I should be planning these activities because it brings me joy to do so with no expectations. But that doesn't feel especially realistic either when I'm trying to teach them good values.

3:57What do I say in these moments when I do understand they're vocalizing legitimate disappointment and are still learning, but I'm A, managing my own frustration. and B, hoping to help them focus on the positive. Thanks for all you do. Okay, so gosh, so many of the things she says here really sound like kids to me and also sounds like this mismatch that can happen between us and our kids where they're not doing this thing that seems so obvious that they should be doing. I'm gonna offer three suggestions, Three, I guess, secrets to raising grateful kids and also how she can maybe turn the tide on what seems to be going on right now.

4:43Number one is understanding their differences. So children are very different from us, young children especially. They don't have these filters that we have. They don't have this ability to kind of tune out. They're not as desensitized as us. They're much more sensitive to stimulation and to activities and to the stress that comes from that. I have one of these rings that monitors your vital signs and your sleep and also your stress during the day. And I've discovered I have a lot of stress during the day. I'm very sensitive to stress. But what they always say when they're letting you know that you have a lot of stress is it doesn't mean that you're dealing with something negative.

5:30It comes from when you're having a really good time sometimes. It comes from jogging or doing exercise. It comes from eating sugar or drinking something. It's not just this negative thing. Well, children, because they're so sensitive, they find exciting things stressful. They find going to watch a movie on a big screen and all the stimulation of that stressful. That doesn't mean they're not having a good time, but it adds up. and they don't process things like that the same way that we do. They soak it all in, and it can easily overwhelm them. So does that mean we don't take them to these things?

6:12Of course not. But understanding that what to us maybe just seems like, oh, this fun little treat is a lot for them. What will help us as parents is reminding ourselves to kind of step into their shoes, to see from this much more sensitive person's point of view who can't just compartmentalize, well, now I'm going to do this and then I'm going to go home. And, you know, they're in it. They soak it all in. Even fun stuff is stressful for them. And the excitement of the holidays, I mean, forget about that. That's extremely stimulating. For many children, it's very stressful, which doesn't mean we don't celebrate the holidays, but it's just helpful for us to know so that we can have our expectations in order and so that we can plan our days around that and recognize that when children do have these behaviors, that it may very well be due to stress.

7:08Again, this is a really good thing about children, that they're sensitive. That's why they learn so much in these early years, because they're able to soak everything up. But I think sometimes we can feel, I'm not saying this parent, but just generally, oh, well, they're soaking everything up. So let's give them more. And that actually doesn't work because they get overloaded and overstimulated really easily. And we don't have to guess about this with our child. I mean, all children are a little different, obviously, but we don't have to guess because children do this wonderful thing. They show us, right?

7:44They show us the signs. And what these children are doing, I believe, is they're indicating they don't seem settled into enjoying these experiences, at least not that day they didn't. And so that's a sign right there. It's not a sign, oh, I just have these really ungrateful, unappreciative kids, and that's frustrating. No, it's actually a sign that there's something going on here. They're getting overloaded. And the thing about the brothers, siblings especially, but even just children that are friends that are together, they catch each other's stress levels. So if maybe the younger one is a little overstimulated by something that maybe the older one could handle or vice versa, the stress that they're putting out there, the other child is catching it like an illness or something.

8:33It's contagious that way. So it makes sense that both these boys are doing it. It may just be one that's a little too hyped up, but they're giving it to the other one. And then the other thing that's going on there is the parent is taking it really hard. She's getting so disappointed in them and in herself. She's blaming herself that I should just do this for fun and not care. Of course, she's right to care about her children's appreciation and gratitude. So I want to encourage this parent not to beat herself up about that at all or judge herself for that in any way. It's just about being aware of the signs that our children are giving us.

9:15And it's just like other behavior. When children are not behaving well, there's a reason, right? Well, when children are acting so ungrateful and ridiculously unappreciative, there's a reason. And I believe in this case, it's overstimulation, because it can happen so easily. So it's the stimulation of the activity itself, of the shared experience with the sibling, and then also the parent that they're kind of almost anticipating this disappointment. So there's that feeling of dysregulation around that. Again, there's always a reason, and it's not that our child is a bad child, but we need to worry that we've done a bad job.

9:57So that's number one, understanding their different sensitivities. Number two, slow it all down. Because we know our children are so different, we can help them to get more out of experiences and appreciate them more, certainly, by downshifting to a much slower speed. And this parent may be doing this somewhat. The thing is that we want to help them find balance. So if they're going to a movie that day, then not try to do something else that's stimulating in the same day. Because it's one thing to do crafts at home. And it's quite another to be in a place where there's all these possibilities in front of us and so many choices you could make and so many things that you want.

10:46It's like a recipe for wanting more. It's more stimulating than just being at home doing it. And I would say at home, when she's finding balance for the activities, the special activities that she wants to do with them, that she even consider, I don't know if she's putting crafts out for them to do and doing these like play setups, like here's something you can do guys. even more balancing would be really allowing them to settle into their own nature, doing even less, maybe doing a craft project if that comes from them and it's something that they can put together without us doing this whole invitation to it, but something that helps them really drop into themselves.

11:36One way also to do this is to have them be in nature, because that pace is a child's pace. Being outside without an agenda or with an agenda that we're just gonna walk down here, down the street, or if you have a nature space around you to go to, not everybody has that. But that kind of, oh, I think I'm gonna pick up this stick or create a game from this. That is the very healing balance that will help children to process those exciting experiences. And being in their nature and being even with nature doesn't mean they have to be even outside. They can be in natural light at home, looking out a window or just petting their dog, just being in themselves on their own tempo, because that's the tempo that is the least stressful for children.

12:35In fact, it does the opposite. It gives them that healing balance that they need, the pace of nature, doing less. And I just want to say, I know a lot of parents are probably rolling their eyes like, oh, great. You know, I want to get out and do stuff. I'm bored out of my mind at home with my kids. And I totally understand that. But right there is understanding the differences between us and how challenging this is. because oftentimes we find that we're the ones with the mentality, what's next? Let's do something else. Let's get more. Okay, we did that activity. Let's do this. Oftentimes that comes from us.

13:16It's not our fault because it's also in our society and in our tech devices that feed into that literally where there's always something new, always the next thing. It's the way people talk to each other. Oh, hey, what are you doing? Oh, you're going to have another child? Or if you don't have a child, are you getting married? Are you with that person? What about your job? What are you going to do next? It's a mentality. So we can't blame ourselves for being in that. But what happens is children pick up on that very, very young. And the easiest way to start on a different track is to start with our babies.

13:54I'm going to be talking about that in my book that I'm finishing up. But the gist of it is that we allow babies to gauge their stimulation by being there as responsive observers and responders to their play, rather than always being the one to show them the toys or show them the next thing. So think about how when we give children a gift, or children are opening their gifts at their birthday, let's say, or Christmas, because we're in this quicker speed of this what's next type of mentality. Let's say our one-year-old or a two-year-old has received a gift and they're starting to try to open it up.

14:38They're interested in the box. They're interested in the ribbon. And we're like, I wonder what's in there. Even just that, we're already trying to get them to the next step. Let me help you open this maybe. Or maybe they get something and then like, oh, I don't wonder what this one is over here. So often, it's us that brings that in, even in their play. So this friend came over with their baby the other day. And it had been a while since I'd had a baby over to play at my house. And my house isn't exactly totally childproof right now. But this boy was in my living room, and he had crawled over to the brick fireplace.

15:21And there's a big screen over the fireplace and he doesn't stand yet on his own. So he was pulling up to kind of stand and tap, tap, tap on the screen, tap, tap, tap on the brick, tap, tap, tap on the screen, tap, tap, tap on the brick. You could see that he was hearing the different sound that those two surfaces made. I was holding the screen so it wouldn't fall on him, by the way. And I told him that too, because he looked at my hand once that was holding onto the screen. And I told him, I'm holding this to keep it safe for you because kids are interested in all of these little details that are going on, these little boring things, right, to us.

16:01They're fascinated. And this is how they're learning the difference between these properties of these areas and the sounds that they make, what they feel like. And he wanted to do that again and again and again. And I was able to help his parent to see what he was doing there by saying, wow, that makes a different sound, right? Oh, and now that makes a different sound. You're noticing that. And I was saying it for him, but I was also saying that for the parent to see how much goes on when it looks like nothing. I mean, that would have looked like nothing to me before I understood this approach to caring for children.

16:43And we want to say, oh, look over here is this cool toy, right? Kind of negating that whole experience. And that's how it can start where we're already teaching our children that there's more, that we want to show them, that we want to get to the next thing, that there's something better than that for them to do. And anyway, it's this very normal thing to do, but it can give kids a message early on that we really don't want to give them. We don't mean to give them. So all we need is an awareness. We still get to do whatever we want, whatever we think is a good idea in that moment, not judging ourselves, just knowing the effects of things.

17:28And I'm going to explain why in the third secret to raising grateful kids, I'm going to explain why the effect matters and how that can help us to help our kids be more grateful just by us understanding the effect. But before I do that, I just want to respond to the specific things this parent brought up. She says, it feels like nonstop unhappiness when I'm trying so hard to make them happy. Boy, do I feel that. The thing is, children feel when we're trying so hard to make them happy. And that is obviously the most loving thing in us that we want to do that. But that is also where we can get caught up doing instead of allowing them to be.

18:14Allowing them to be in their nature and trusting the idea of less. I don't know if any of you heard when I had Kim John Payne on my podcast. He wrote Simplicity Parenting, and it's all about the power of less. And I highly recommend that podcast and his book, Simplicity Parenting, because he gives a lot of practical advice for how to pare our lives down to a little bit less. But again, what I'm saying is that you don't even have to do that. All you have to do is understand the effects. And it's not our job to try to make our kids happy. The more we're trying, the more frustrating it's probably going to be, and the less we're going to be able to make them happy.

18:57So yeah, nonstop unhappiness when she's trying so hard to make them happy. That's one of the ironies of parenting. Things that are supposed to be fun end up not feeling fun, right? Because we're deciding what's fun and it's maybe more coming from adult stimulation level, what we would think is fun. I remember as a kid, we used to go to the movies sometimes and there were double features in those days. I don't even know if there are anymore. Movies weren't as long then, but that was like three hours worth of movies and all this candy. And it was just like, you know, you didn't feel that good after that.

19:34You still wanted to do it again, but you also wanted a lot of days in between where you could have air around you and just relax and find your own activities, make a play together and just, you know, balance out that experience. so yeah it doesn't feel fun when there's too much of it and we don't have enough balance she says maybe I should be planning these activities because it brings me joy to do so with no expectations well no I mean there I believe she is right to feel like if she's planning these wonderful things for her children yeah that they should enjoy them but this is where I would look at what she's planning, if she's spreading it out.

20:19And sometimes it comes down to, I mean, this is something I learned as a parent. I feel like I learned this so many times, especially with my first, this thing she said about things that are supposed to be fun, end up not feeling fun. These conceptions I had of things I remember loving as a child, one of them was this marionette show that was famous and near where I live. It had been around forever and ever. And I loved it. They would have a holiday show. And I remember I took my daughter and I think she was only three and she liked it. But I couldn't help but think when I got home that she just would have had more fun at home in the backyard messing around.

20:59I realized, okay, my memory of it didn't match her enjoyment of it. And I learned something that day and it just made me kind of think twice about certain things and thought, I'll wait a little later for that when she can really enjoy it or if it's something she really seems to want to do. I love a good family trip as much as anyone, but travel right now is no joke. Flights, hotels, gas, rental cars, it adds up fast. So my goal this year is simple. Plan a trip that fits our budget and avoid that moment when reality shows up in the form of a credit card bill. Monarch is the personal finance app that tracks everything.

21:40Accounts, investments, savings goals, and spending. Get your first year of Monarch Core for half off just$50 with promo code Unruffled. With Monarch's AI insights, I can see the little expenses quietly draining my budget, ordering in too often, cable channels I never watch, magazine subscriptions that pile up on the coffee table, the stuff that doesn't feel like much until it really is. And the AI assistant is surprisingly useful. I asked it, can we afford this trip without dipping into savings? Turns out, not quite. Not what I wanted to hear. But honestly, I'd rather know now than after we're already on the plane.

22:19Use code UNRUFFLED at monarch.com to get your first year of Monarch Core half off at just$50. That's 50 % off your first year at monarch.com with code UNRUFFLED, monarch.com. Even with great intentions, most of us probably aren't getting all the nutrients our bodies need from diet alone. And when you're feeling tired or just generally run down, there's a good chance something's missing. But we're usually just guessing, right? So I'm thrilled with First Day Multivitamin Gummies for Women, a smarter multivitamin scientifically designed to fight fatigue and exhaustion by filling the gaps in your diets with essential ingredients our bodies need, but don't tend to get enough of on a daily basis.

23:06Just two gummies a day takes the guesswork out of daily nutrition. And right now you can get up to 57 % off using code UNRUFFLED at firstday.com. First Day multis are a blend of 21 organic superfoods and nine key vitamins, vegan, non-GMO, dairy, soy, and gluten-free with no fake sugars or artificial colors or fillers. And First Day makes different formulas for toddlers, kids, teens, and adults. So it's tailored to your stage of life. Again, for a limited time only, my listeners are getting an insane deal. Use code UNRUFFLED to get up to 57 % off at firstday.com. That's up to 57 % off and a free gift with code UNRUFFLED at firstday.com.

23:50After you purchase, they'll ask where you heard about First Day. Please support our show and tell them Unruffled sent you.

24:00Okay, and then she says, what do I say in these moments when I do understand they're vocalizing legitimate disappointment and are still learning, but I am managing my own frustration and hoping to help them focus on the positive. So here's where I want to give you the third secret. The third secret to raising children who are more grateful and appreciative, it is allowing kids to come down from these experiences. Kids go up and they go down. Similar to people like me that are just sensitive. Everything's exciting. And then there's a come down from that. So even things like going to go paint pottery is really exciting for little kids.

24:40That's something to come down from. And what her children are doing, it sounds like, is they're not wanting to come down. They're not wanting to let go. And that's a common reaction that, you know, immature people have. So because we will misjudge or overestimate our child's ability to enjoy an experience, where we forgot that they had all this other stimulation going on and that it's the holidays and we took them to the thing and then they're just like more and more and more. They're doing that or they're having a meltdown, whatever it is, allowing kids to have that. While we're having boundaries, we're not going to go do the arcade game or get them more candy or anything else.

25:26But we know that this goes with the territory, especially if maybe we misjudged it a bit or underestimated the effects of the stimulation on our child. We're going to do all of those things. And if we can forgive them for having their come down and just help them pass through that by not getting in the way of it really and just almost welcoming it, that's how we clear the way for kids to feel genuinely appreciative and grateful. Because they're allowed to express how ungrateful they feel in that moment when they're overdone. A lot of times we can misunderstand the advice to acknowledge feelings as you want to keep doing that, but we're going to go.

26:13You're upset. You're mad that I won't give you more. But really, what are we saying there when we're saying it like that? We're saying, I'm really annoyed and I feel like I have to acknowledge your feelings, but I am disappointed and I'm just going through the motions. instead of really connecting with them in a way that understands their point of view. Oh gosh, yeah, you want more? You want candy? Of course you do. You want to go play the arcade game? It's so hard to just let go and get in the car. Meanwhile, you're ushering them to the car, but you're really able to connect with them there, not from a position, you know, where we're actually really annoyed and we're saying the words.

26:59I mean, this is why you always hear me say that I see scripts is not that helpful sometimes because it's natural to just want to imagine that if I say these words, my child's going to feel better. But children aren't even hearing our words. They're feeling our vibe. They're feeling how we feel. And if how we feel could be, oh, oops, they're getting all obsessive in that weird space where they're one more, more, more, more. Instead of blaming them for that and blaming ourselves and being so disappointed, being like, okay, oops, well, all right. This didn't go the way I planned, but yeah, you got stuck in wanting this and now you just want this and that and never feels like enough, right?

27:50Agreeing with their right to feel like that. saying it as we're helping them get out of there. And that is the way to help them get out of there. It's a way to help us get out of there. As we have our arms around them on each side, and we're getting them out to be accepting how they feel fully and agreeing with their right to feel that way. I mean, you can move a mountain if you do that. It's amazing. And that's when you hear me talk about confident momentum? That's what it is. It's helping children move to the next thing while totally letting go of pushing back on their feelings. So we're kind of letting it all flow as we move them through the flow.