A Child's Rocky Transition (Why It Means She's Doing Her Job)

0:00All my kids were home last week, and with the weather finally cooperating, we wanted to enjoy some meals outside. The only problem? My outdoor dining setup was looking a little tired, and I just don't have time these days to spend weekends driving from store to store. Thank goodness for Wayfair, my go-to for all things home. Great ideas, quality products, and prices that make sense, and I never have to leave the house. This time I found a beautiful Olivier yellow French Provençal tablecloth. This really elegant tablecloth at a ridiculously low price. Plus some Edison Park embroidered napkins. Yes, cloth napkins.

0:38My kids were very impressed. So if you're thinking about refreshing any space in your home, indoors or out, skip the driving and check out Wayfair. Chances are they'll have exactly what you're looking for at a price that's hard to beat. Ready to upgrade your home for way less? Head to Wayfair.com right now to shop all things home and get your space ready for less. That's W-A-Y-F-A-I-R dot com. Wayfair, every style, every home. This Monday.com ad was created by a team of people and AI agents. The agents wrote the copy and managed the timelines, while our human creative director made sure it all made sense.

1:19Easy. Create your own AI agent today on Monday.com.

1:27my new book is finally finished and available for pre-order it's called baby person and i think you're going to find it unlike any parenting book you've ever come across for one because this book it's it's about us and the quality of our experience it's about how as parents or grandparents or anyone caring for children you can discover a deeper level of fulfillment you You can have more ease, more joy, and more success day to day and in the long term. And at the same time, you'll be building a lifelong bond with your child that's steeped in trust, respect, and mutual delight. And if you pre-order now, I have an exclusive podcast thank you gift just for you.

2:10You can check it all out on my website, JanetLansbury.com.

2:18Hi, this is Janet Lansbury. Welcome to Unruffled. Well, today I'm going to be responding to a note I received from a parent. The situation is quite unusual, I feel, but so many of the aspects of this are very, very common and easy to misunderstand. So I believe I'm going to be able to offer something here that will help every parent. Okay, let me just dive into this letter before I try to explain it. Hi there, Janet. I'm a stay-at-home mom, and I have two toddler boys. One turned three in April, and the other will turn two in August. I began obsessing over your work and listening to every podcast around the time I knew I was becoming a mom.

3:04Being a mom has been the greatest blessing and privilege of my life. Once I survived two under two, things have gone so smoothly, it's been amazing. I guess I decided things weren't challenging enough, laugh out loud. I decided to open an in-home learning group. I have one, two, or three other kiddos Monday through Thursday. Overall, it's going well, and I charge$50 a day per child. It's been so sweet to see my boys get excited and connect with these other kids, and my heart is so full watching them play. I'm certainly not super rigid over naps, but I've found that when the kids are all playing, eating, etc.

3:44at the same time. They usually nap at the same time, so it helps me stay decently organized. Still, it can, of course, get pretty wild with up to five toddlers at once, and I'm pretty new to this. I have no early childhood background. All I have is what I've learned from you, so thank you. My question is about a little girl that has been coming regularly. She is two and a half. We are really struggling. She seems to have a very short attention span. She wants to change activities in a matter of seconds. She cries most of the time when she is here. She constantly asks me if I like her, and I've never given her any reason to think I don't.

4:22I do. I love her. She is sweet and generous and kind when she's not upset. It's hard for me to deal with the constant tears. It can start to bother me or make me feel like it's something I need to fix. As much as I wish I could say it didn't, I notice it greatly affecting my nervous system. I can hold it together for the kiddos, but once my husband gets home, I either break down or go to bed or take a long bath to relax. I'm considering talking to her mom and suggesting that she might do better in another environment, like a larger preschool setting or back home with her mom. But before I reached out, I wanted to ask you.

5:00I only have her two days a week. She is an only child with wonderful, loving parents, but they work from home, and I think she spends a lot of time on her tablet because of that. Not sure if that is what is contributing or something else. My question is, is there anything I can do about these behaviors, or are my hands tied considering I only have her eight hours twice a week? And another question is, is it unusual for a child who is only two and a half to be searching for validation? I didn't know toddlers even knew people did or didn't like them. My boys are very smart and they tend to hit milestones early, but I've noticed that when they play with kids who aren't treating them well, it makes me sad for them, but they don't seem to go inward with that at all.

5:46And in this case, with the little girl, I always treat her with kindness anyway, so I wonder where that comes from. I'm mostly just curious on your thoughts about that. Is that something learned or is it more of a personality trait that's more common in some kids? Or is it a difference since she's a girl and I'm just used to boys? I can't thank you enough for your work. God bless you. So as I said, this is an unusual situation. And yet so many of us can probably relate to the feeling of wanting to fix feelings when children just seem constantly sort of out of sorts or they're having a really rough transition like this.

6:26We want to make it better, right? That's natural. That's loving. And so even though this parent is doing this wonderful playgroup program, these children are in her care away from their parents for that period of time. So what I have to say here relates to children starting any kind of program, preschool, childcare, there is an adjustment period. The main message I want to get across to this parent is not that she should be okay with this and she shouldn't want to fix it and all of that. All of that's natural that she's going to feel that way. And of course, I want to encourage her that she has the choice to say this isn't working for her and to really care for herself in that way.

7:12But I also want to encourage her to understand what's really going on here with this child and how healthy it is. And if she feels up for it, I want to encourage her in the direction of not fixing and trusting what's going on here. And I'm going to give her every bit of reason that she might consider doing that. But still, like I said, it's up to her. And obviously, I'm not trying to talk her into something that she's uncomfortable with. Her comfort matters a lot. She's doing a very generous thing, not charging very much money for these children to come and be in her care and play. This is, to me, exactly the kind of person I would want my child to be with, somebody that really enjoys the children, that thinks highly of them.

8:01She says, I love her. She's sweet and generous and kind when she's not upset. So this is a person that's seeing the good in children. And obviously that's the kind of person we want our child to spend time with when they're spending time away from us. So what I see going on here is that this child is doing her job. She's doing her job adjusting to this situation. Now the way children adjust in transitions often involves a lot of feelings, a lot of crying. I mean, ask Mr. Chaz, ask other people who work in childcare or preschool settings, even kindergartens. Separation from parents and home and being in a new situation is a lot for very young children.

8:52I mean, it's a lot for all of us really, but especially for children in these early years, because they're not as able to understand their needs and they're not as able to communicate them. While some children do just have the temperaments that manage transition better than others, all children have some kind of adjustment. And I think that this mom knows all this on one level when she's saying she wishes she wasn't trying to fix the feelings, but she still feels like doing that. She wants to change activities in a matter of seconds. She cries most of the time when she's here. She constantly asks me if I like her and I've never given her any reason to think I don't.

9:33So the crying makes a lot of sense. It's just, it's expressing that feeling of being in this different place and being away from home. And actually, I'm going to offer an idea that is counterintuitive for most of us. And I was really surprised when I first learned this, but thinking about it, it makes sense that it would help this little girl if she actually could spend more days in this setting. Two days a week for a child this age is not a lot of time to transition. She's just not having the opportunity to really get comfortable eating and napping and playing in this different setting. It almost feels like a brand new situation to her every time with all, I imagine, all those days in between.

10:22So she needs more time there rather than less to help her settle into this situation, right? And that sounds like the opposite of what, you know, I would have thought, which is that, well, if they're having a hard time, you do it less. And that's easier on them to just do a little bit, just dip their toe in. But no, for children, they're just trying to get used to who these people are, how they respond to me. For them, it's a lot to take in. So I would consider, I mean, that would have to be all right with this mom and, of course, the parents of the little girl if they wanted her to maybe spend more time there.

10:58And then she will feel more a part of it, for one thing, not just like this person that dips in once in a while that doesn't feel as involved. She will feel more a part of it and likely adapt more readily to the expectations in this setting if she can come more. So I don't know if that's an option, but I want to put that out there so that this mom and other parents listening can understand what this is from a child's point of view. Getting comfortable with even just this person as a secondary attachment figure, which is what we want when our child is in care with another person in these early years.

11:34We want them to feel attached to that person. We want them to feel comfortable. This little girl is showing that she feels very comfortable with this mom. The way she's showing that is by being vulnerable with her, by saying, do you like me? Do you like me? Do you like me? I have a thought about that. The reason children get stuck in something like that is not because they really need that validation the way it might be if an adult was doing that. And yeah, it is kind of a precocious thing to say for a two and a half year old, right? to think about if people like her. But my guess is that came up at home somehow, that the parents said it about someone or maybe about this girl, I don't like when you're doing that, or I don't like you when you do that or something.

12:21Somehow, this became a thing for this little girl that she knows that this is something to, I don't want to say push on, like she's trying to test in some really conscious way because she's not. But she just can't stop probing, probing, probing this with this adult in her life. And I don't know if she does this with her parents at home also, but she's going to this place that she's sensing bothers this adult. She's sensing it's not comfortable for this mom. And that's why she keeps going to that. So to get to a little of this what to do part. The way to respond to that is just to respond to it with open arms.

13:04You know, oh, I think you just asked me that. But as a matter of fact, I do. And I still do. Coming from a place of knowing this is something she's gotten stuck in because of the discomfort she's felt from me. I'm putting myself in here. When she says this, I get a little worried, right? I get a little annoyed. Like I have to tell her again and again. And what's, you know, what's going on here? And doesn't she know I like her? And am I making her feel like I don't like her? None of that is true. In my opinion, she's merely pushing on that button of discomfort in this adult, trying to figure it out on some level.

13:42So once we know that's what's going on, then we can turn a corner on it and not be afraid of it anymore, not be uncomfortable about it because it's just something that she's figuring out. And it's not this deep-seated need for validation that we might've worried it was. And this can look a lot of different ways for children. And I've talked about a lot in the podcast that children do that. They know our vulnerabilities. They notice it the very first time that we're a little bit taken aback. We're a little bit thrown off by something. We're not entirely comfortable. And then they have to keep going there.

14:22And that can be true with so many kinds of statements that we say to them or, you know, things we make a point of with them, like, always tell me when you don't want me to touch you, you know, and then all of a sudden, when our child is acting out, and we're coming close to stop them from doing something harmful or that we don't want them to do, then they're like, you're touching me. Don't touch me. don't touch me. And then we get alarmed by that, right? And then they get stuck doing that. So I'm just saying that as an example, but there's so many things that this can happen with. Things that our child senses matter to us, throw us off balance, that we care about, that dial into our concern in some way.

15:03That's what's going on here. So we don't have to worry. We've given her reason to think we don't like her and all this. And this mom is sure she does like her. She loves her, She said, so yeah, trust in that, believe in that and just feel, as a matter of fact, I love you. I think you're amazing. I think you're great. And then she asks you again a few minutes later and yeah, still loving you over here. However you want to say it, it doesn't really matter. What matters is that you're not intimidated by it and you are allowing that to be a really safe thing for her to explore. the thing about wanting to change activities in a matter of seconds yeah she's unsettled you know she's showing that she's unsettled it's just going to take her a certain amount of time to get settled but I wouldn't try to jump to accommodating that for her oh you want to do this okay we'll do this have some activities available that they can engage in and let her flit around one to the other And don't worry about that.

16:06Some children, they do. They flit around, flit around, flit around, flit around. They take whatever time they need. They cry. They're uncomfortable. And then they finally settle in on their time, not ours. And again, this would probably happen sooner if the little girl had more time to be there. But she will get there regardless if this parent wants to stick it out. But if, again, that's kind of getting our attention in a way where we're like, oh, we better find her something else. And, oh, I don't want to get that for her, but I have to. Let go of that. Let her flit around. You know, it's like a, I don't want to compare children to animals, but it just reminds me of like the dog turning circles, turning circles, turning circles before they find how they want to lie down.

16:53They're just, you know, doing what they need to do to get comfortable. So again, my overall advice here is trust this little girl to do her job adjusting. You're giving her everything she needs, a stable adult who genuinely cares about her, a predictable, safe environment, empathy, care for her. You're giving her everything she needs. Now it's time to let go and let her adjust in her way. and not trying to work with that in some way or fix it. Or anyway, I know this parent knows she doesn't want to fix it, but I just want to encourage that approach because the more we try to get in there and fix that, the harder it is for the child to relax.

17:43Why? Because we're not relaxed. We're not entirely sure about them. We're not entirely trusting that they can handle this. So that's the big shift. if we make this weekend, it will help us in so many ways as parents. It will help us with any adjustment. Going on a trip, summer vacation, and we're in this new place, and our child is, you know, tearful, or nothing feels right for them. Instead of trying to fix things and make it all better, let them feel like it's all wrong, and they're miserable, and it's how children get comfortable. Now, I'm not saying that we should just feel fine when they're upset.

18:24Of course, we're not going to feel fine. But if we put this in perspective, we can get that little bit of emotional distance we need. It's like that safety in ourselves that we need to let go of it more rather than getting sucked in so that we're riding this roller coaster of feelings with them. That's just something generally as parents, we want to try to work on putting their feelings into perspective. Their feelings are healthy. Their feelings are natural. Their feelings in a change like this make sense. Their feelings almost always have a reason. But the reason isn't that she doesn't have enough activities or that she needs more validation.

19:06The reason is that she's kind of, you know, grabbing around as to can everybody be comfortable and let me do the suggesting thing. My husband used to enjoy cooking, especially summer dishes that we could save in the fridge and serve cold, like watermelon gazpacho soup and Tuscan tortellini salad. But somewhere along the way, that spark faded. Then we got a caraway ceramic cookware set, and suddenly he's back. He's digging up old recipes. He's simmering things, using terms of art, like depth of flavor. I'm staying out of the way, the fridge is always stocked, and he doesn't even mind the cleanup, which is shockingly easy thanks to Caraway's naturally slick ceramic surfaces.

19:51For me, Caraway's food storage solutions have been one of those upgrades I appreciate every single day. Leftovers stay fresh, everything stacks neatly, and I'm done with the whole does this lid belong to anything routine. So everyone's winning. Right now you can save up to$230 on the 12-piece cookware set versus buying the products individually. And you can even find more set savings when you shop Caraway's full kitchenware collection. So visit CarawayHome.com slash Unruffled to take an additional 10 % off your next purchase. This deal is exclusive for my listeners, so visit CarawayHome.com slash Unruffled or use code unruffled at checkout.

20:33Growing up, managing money was not something I was particularly concerned with. I'd do a few odd jobs around the house, some babysitting. The money came in and I spent it. Of course, that doesn't work very well when you're an adult and you have to start juggling monthly bills. Some of us learned that the hard way. Anyway, that's my old story. Not anymore. Not since I found Monarch. Monarch is the personal finance app that tracks everything, accounts, investments, savings goals, and spending. It's like having a personal financial manager giving me a real-time picture of where my money's actually going so I can adjust before it becomes a problem.

21:12And the AI features are amazing. The one I love is the AI Weekly Recap. It flags your spending spikes, net worth shifts, and upcoming expenses. So take control of your finances and write your own money story with Monarch. Use code UNRUFFLED at Monarch.com to get your first year of Monarch Core half off at just$50. That's 50 % off your first year at Monarch.com with code UNRUFFLED.

21:44Another question is, is it unusual for a child who's only two and a half to be searching for validation? I think that would be unusual, and I don't think that's what's going on here. Again, like I said, I think she's gotten caught up in this thing of, do you like me? Do you like me? And that's become a thing for her. I don't think she's asking this with the kind of understanding and genuine need that we might have as an adult, if we ask something like that. Another thing that this mom says is, I'm considering talking to her mom and suggesting she might do better in another environment, like a larger preschool setting or back home with her mom.

22:22So yeah, again, if this isn't working for her to this extent that it's really, it's really making her question whether she wants to do this, then she should absolutely trust herself. But I would also say that a larger preschool setting is not what I would recommend for this or any child that's having a hard time adjusting, because that will be a lot harder. And she probably won't feel as safe to express a lot of this. She's showing she feels very safe with this adult. And I would trust that small, especially for a child that's not three yet, is going to be much easier to adjust to. She's getting to vent and be a mess in this setting.

23:05And that is very, very healthy. And I don't know if anything has to do with spending a lot of time on a tablet or anything else. All that's clear here is that she's very much adjusting to what sounds like a positive, positive situation that this mom is offering. So there's every reason in the world why we would want to allow her to be able to be there. But the question is whether this mom can find this place of comfort. I believe she can in this transitional messiness that's going on, putting it into perspective. So otherwise, it sounds like this is all going really, really well. And whatever this parent decides, kudos to her.

23:51I thank her so much for her kind words in the note. And the fact that she can enjoy a three-year-old and two-year-old child and find it pretty easy is amazing. So this mom has everything she needs to be able to flourish as a parent and take care of other children. If she chooses to go through the rockiness of it, that's up to her. I just want to encourage her and everybody out there, whether you have a child that's adjusting or you're a childcare professional or early childhood educator with a lot of children who are adjusting, that's the job that children need us to trust them to do and we can do this okay okay okay okay okay but my guess is that came up as oh i was supposed to say somehow i don't know if i was supposed to

24:59saying words, lots of words, lots of words. Hi there, Janet. I'm, hi there, Janet. I'm an, she said, she's, I'm an, oh, because that's the way I said it. Okay. I'm a state mom. Okay.

25:16insurance isn't one size fits all that's why customers have enjoyed progressive's name your price tool for years now with the name your price tool you tell them what you want to pay and they'll show you options that fit your budget so whether you're picking out your first policy or just looking for something that works better for you and your family they make it easy to see your options visit progressive.com find a rate that works for you with the name your price tool Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and Affiliates. Price and coverage match limited by state law.