A Secret to Stop the Hitting and Hurting When All Else Fails

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1:40Hi, this is Janet Lansbury. Welcome to Unruffled. Today I'm going to be talking about a topic that can be disconcerting for us as parents. It can be scary, actually, because it is for our children. It's when they're being aggressive. when they're lashing out at siblings or us, and then we find ourselves naturally losing our tempers. How do we handle this? The first step, as it always is, is understanding what's actually going on, why our child is acting like this. And it really just comes down to one reason across the board. It's not as complicated as it might appear. They're feeling out of control.

2:25They're feeling unsafe. Our job, or what we can do to shift this and make it better for them, and of course for us too, is to give them that one thing that they're needing, a sense of safety. And the frustrating thing for us as parents is that nothing else will work. And we usually try everything before we get to this because their behavior looks so alarming and mean and just, you know, scary, terrible. like a bad sign of things to come or a sign that we've been a terrible parent. And so we try to control the behavior, right? Maybe we try scolding them, telling them they can't do this. We're not going to let them.

3:07But none of that is giving them what they need, which is a sense that we accept that they are doing this. No, it's not okay. It's not allowed. We're not going to let them continue. But we accept that they're in this state where this is happening. and we need to be the co-regulators, if you will. We need to bring the safety back. So I'm going to talk a little about how that looks. I have two different notes here. I'll use those to kind of explain some of the details, but I do just want to make some points first. So one of the reasons that this throws us off balance, well, there's a lot of reasons.

3:48I mean, it looks terrible. It's scary. but also it can seem like this evil person has come out in our child. And maybe this person is going to be there forever. And the truth is that for certain situational reasons, certain things that are going on, our child is feeling unsafe, but they're in a passage where they're feeling this. It's not like they're showing signs that they're going to be like this forever. Children pass through this. And probably most often the way that they pass through it, especially in more authoritarian types of households, is they find a way to suppress these feelings in themselves, to put them away, internalize them.

4:36A lot of us, I'm sure, can relate to that. Maybe that was the approach our parents took. It's a common one. But the healthier path is for them to, instead of feeling like I have to stop doing these shameful things because I'm even more scared now the way my parent is reacting, the healthier path is for them to feel, whew, yeah, I feel unsafe, but I have people that can feel comfortable enough with handling my behavior. And then they're able to move through this passage, as children do move through these, these are phases, they move through this passage with them feeling even closer to us, feeling deeply safe, not just safe because they're not doing that behavior anymore, and we're not getting mad at them anymore, but that they feel safe inside, that when they're not able to manage themselves well, which happens to every child goes through something like this, they don't always act out aggressively with it, but they do go through feelings like this.

5:43And to know on the other end of it that when I'm feeling like this and my behavior is off, my parents are there to show me I'm safe, stop me from doing things as best they can, but mostly I'm surrounded by this aura of comfort and safety. So if we can do that for them, even some of the time, we're still going to have our flare-ups or times when at the end of a long day, we've had enough or it's just looking too terrible. But if we can keep bringing ourselves back to that, we can help our kids to feel safer and seen, which is part of feeling safe. You see me. You see that I'm doing this. You don't want me to be doing this, but you accept that this is where I am right now.

6:29And you exude a safe aura around me. So how do we do this, right? The hardest part of it is actually looking very objectively at what's going on for our child, because it almost always will make sense to us. They're just going through something. It's for these reasons. This just got to do my best to get us through this passage, which means we don't have to blame ourselves. And we can be kind to ourselves and know that, yeah, we're still going to lose our temper sometimes because we're human, but there's really nothing for us to fear here. We can handle this situation. So what we want to get to is where we're feeling safe because that's what our child is going to feel coming from us.

7:16So here's the first note. Almost three-year-old twin boys and three-month-old new baby. Help! I've been doing it all wrong. I've been shaming and punishing one of my kids when all he's been asking for is help. After listening to both your books, Elevating Child Care and No Bad Kids, I now know that I don't have a bad kid. I've been a bad parent. One of my boys has always been aggressive towards the other for about a year, I would say, with the arrival of the baby and then starting preschool. Two huge major changes. I have not been showing up for them. Question. I've started the buddy system and try my best to be close enough that I can block a hit, kick, or bite, but even if I'm standing right there, I miss a lot of it, or I can't get there because I'm holding the baby.

8:06Most times this aggression leaves blood on his brother, and at that point I lose it. How can I stay calm and be a leader when I feel like I'm allowing him to hurt his brother? When I was pregnant, I started date days and would spend a couple of hours a week on a date with one kid. I loved it. They loved it. Everyone loved it. Now with the boys in school, I relish the time I have alone and to bond with the baby. While they're at school is the only time I have to spend with the baby and meet her needs. If I start doing the date days again, I feel like I'm not giving myself or the baby the quality time we need.

8:43Twins are hard. And to make it harder, these boys are complete opposites, literally in every way. One sleeps in, one gets up early, one has curly hair and the other has straight. One communicates his needs, one is aggressive, one whines, one yells, one loves rules and boundaries, one pushes all the boundaries, one's an introvert, one's an extrovert. I need to heal my child. I need to make him feel loved and safe. So this parent realizes exactly what's going on. What I want to help her with is to correct, no, she hasn't been a bad parent. She's been a human parent, a normal parent in a tough situation.

9:25But because she doesn't want to be in this tough situation anymore, because she wants to find her way out of it, there are some changes that she can make. Just subtle changes in all of these cases. So she lays it all out. This is all the reasons why her son has been like this. And yeah, her twins have totally different temperaments. That's the way children are. And there's nothing wrong with that. And the thing is, even the introverted one who likes the rules, he needs to feel safe too, right? But how do we help him feel safe? We help his brother who's hurting him feel safe. So it's not like we're not caring about the introverted one, but for us to keep maybe shaming the aggressive one and then feeling sorry for the other one, that doesn't help the introverted one feel safer.

10:20That makes them feel more actually vulnerable and dependent on us. So in every case, it's about providing safety for the child who's showing that they really need it, that they're really having a hard time controlling their behavior. She says, I've started the buddy system. So I think she might be referring to what I call buddy guarding, which is being there when you can to stop the behavior. But with siblings and twins, you are going to miss a lot. And it's okay to miss a lot. I know people are going to say, why is she saying that? This mother said there was blood. So again, the way to ease the whole thing is to give a sense of safety to that aggressively behaving child.

11:04That's what I would focus on, not being there to intervene every time because that's just not going to happen. And really, in a sibling situation, especially when they're twins and they're sort of evenly matched that way, that child does need to find ways to stick up for themselves. in this relationship with their brother. So how could she create safety? By forgiving herself for feeling normal things and reacting in normal ways. Understanding, yeah, it makes a lot of sense that one would react this way, right? They're not even three years old, these children. And all of this stuff is going on.

11:47And then their parent has maybe been explosive around it. So that just gives them more to feel unsafe about, right? No judgment on us, just acknowledging for ourselves, yeah, all of this has an effect. So my child's behavior makes sense. Therefore, I really don't have anything to worry about. I can be the parent to this child who's going through something simply by perceiving it for what it is. And then, yeah, buddy guarding when I'm there, You don't have to have a one-on-one outing with him right now. Maybe there's times when you could have an outing with both the boys. That probably doesn't sound very relaxing.

12:25But even just getting them away from the baby, if there's ever a time that opens up for that, that would be great too. I know you want to have one-on-one with each of them. But it might be actually good for their sense of being a team that you take them both out. I don't know. Just a thought. and then allow them to have their dynamic where you're intervening as you need to, but you're not seeing this as alarming, what this child is doing because they each have a different way of handling it, right? Yes, with siblings, there's almost always gonna be times that they hurt each other. Forgiving yourself and them for that.

13:01So I hope she'll accept that what she's been doing is normal. She's not a bad parent. And also accept the situation. She doesn't have a bad child. She has a child who's feeling really uncomfortable and unsafe. And she can start responding in a way, because she perceives it in a way, that creates that safety around it. She can say, you know, I see sometimes you want to lash out and just, you feel like hurting your brother. And I want to know about that feeling. Like, you can share that with me. If you feel like doing that, you can tell me. I'm not going to get mad at you. I'm not going to judge you.

13:41I know you're having a hard time and I just want to help. Just that sentiment, no matter how you say it, even better that you show it, will ease his mind so much and ease his little heart. So first of all, self-acceptance, because we can't accept and feel safe around our children's behavior if we don't accept and feel safe about ours. So there's nothing wrong with you for reacting the way you have, but seeing this differently and responding as you would if there's people feeling unsafe around you or even an animal feeling unsafe, right? What would you do? We wouldn't yell at the animal, right?

14:19We would make an atmosphere of acceptance and safety while also doing our best to contain their behavior.

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16:11Okay, here's another one. Dear Janet, I'm trying my luck again in getting your wisdom. I know you're probably getting lots of emails and requests, but I'm really at the end of my rope with tools and advice to help my sweet little boy. I have an almost five-year-old and a 10-month-old baby. I believe I'm a somewhat conscious parent and have been listening to your podcast for years and to other parenting experts out there and trying to implement the tools. We are extremely struggling with my son's aggression. It first started around two years ago when visiting his grandparents and hitting his younger cousin.

16:44It then continues escalating despite our best attempts at setting loving boundaries, with us and his friends. We would say that hands are not for hitting, you can't hurt my body. I was in part-time work, so I was present with him, but also involving him in daily life, cooking, cleaning, etc., while also spending one-on-one playtime. I realize he is a proprioceptive seeker, so I try to engage him in physical play as well. His dad used to work from home most of the time for long hours, so was not as present, although he was around physically. He moved from a Montessori infancy community to the children's house around two years ago.

17:22We moved house last summer, same neighborhood, and got a new sibling around December, and I realized those are two massive life changes and can be unsettling, so we tried to make them as gentle as possible. We did renovation over a few months before the move and took him with us to the new house and talked a lot about the new sibling and what to expect. However, 10 months down the line and he's super aggressive with his sister, and it is persistent and getting worse. He started with pulling her hands and legs as a baby, to which we explained this can hurt her, and we can't handle the baby this way, and model gentle hands.

17:58Her space is set up in a Montessori way, so he's all over her space and does not accept any form of verbal limit. He just hits when she comes near his shelves, tries to join us in play, or even approach him for play. She is clearly very confused and upset about this. I try to do one-on-one time with him for varying lengths that can be 10 minutes or one hour. I try to give him tools and sports cast, but the aggression seems super fast, and sadly sometimes I lose my patience and end up with threats, yelling, shaming by saying, why do you like to upset her or ruin our playtime? I'm even ashamed to say I've occasionally handled him roughly as I pull him away from her, which does not help him being gentle.

18:39I'm going through a transitional period with their dad as we figure out our relationship, and he has been spending more time outside the house, and I'm sure my son is somewhat affected by it. I'm really worried about him hurting the baby. He sometimes shows he wants to interact and play with her, but all in aggressive play, and I'm too stressed sometimes to let him. Even if I say to myself I should trust and give him a chance, I end up regretting it. I get he's grieving the loss of me being fully there for him, but even when I have some help and try to take him for one-on-one time, he asks if his sister can join us.

19:12Their dad thinks the solution is to separate them while I feel this will cause him to feel more excluded, especially since I breastfeed and need to be more with the baby. Things might change in half a year when she starts the infant community, but that's a long way away. I'm sorry this has been a long letter, but I'm really trying to figure out what to do. He was such a sweet, wonderful boy, not even the two-year-old tantrums. We have more meltdowns, attempts to try the respectful boundaries just backfire at us. And I feel guilty and no, it doesn't work to resort to shaming or yelling. Maybe your wisdom can help with this situation.

19:47So yes, this parent really seems to understand what's going on and why her child is behaving like this. But I think what we need sometimes I feel is just more encouragement to believe that and to understand the effects that all these transitions have on sensitive children. And that some children, there's nothing wrong with them. It's their different sensitivity. And the way that they react is that they do lash out. And that gets a reaction that doesn't help the child to feel like they're seen and safe. Then it continues. So that's what I think is going on here. So he's almost five years old and there's a 10-month-old baby.

20:30She says this has been going on for like two years, but getting worse. Now it's a big struggle. She said it started when he hit his younger cousin at his grandparents' house. So I'm not sure how she handled that. But the way most of us would instinctively handle that is being alarmed, maybe yelling at him or scolding him. So I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that. But, you know, he had an impulse and he couldn't control it or didn't control it. Then he saw, wow, I actually have impulses that do scary things and get people mad at me. Imagine how that feels. And then it could just be something simmering that just feels like this out of control part of you.

21:15And if you have that feeling in you, for some children, it'll be just the way that they don't behave in other ways that their parents want them to. They aren't polite to the stranger that comes up. It's not that they're necessarily being aggressive, but they're doing things that disappoint us in a sort of impulsive way. It wasn't a thought out response that they gave, and then they got this reaction from us. So it feels like, oh gosh, there's these parts of me that could explode at any moment and turn everyone against me. And we can imagine how scary that feels to be that out of control. And children don't have that self-regulation in these early years.

22:00I mean, they don't have it completely for a long time. So it's just a fact of their life that they have these out of control moments. The more that we can relate to them and see from their point of view and imagine what it feels like to be them, the easier it's going to be for us to say, well, this is not cool behavior to ourselves, but there's nothing unsafe about it that I can't handle. This isn't a terrible sign of what's to come. This is my child going through something where they're emotionally on edge and therefore they have even less control of these impulses inside them. They need to feel like when they're in this state, they have me.

22:47I'm not going to be alarmed by it because I'm no longer alarmed by it. I'm just concerned and trying to have empathy for what's going on with them, knowing they don't want to be behaving this way. So how does that look in this situation with this little baby getting hurt? Obviously, that's not okay. So to help him stay safe, we want to try to set up an environment for success. I wonder if this parent could have a safe space for the baby to be that has a gate, or at least is a little more of an effort for her son to enter so that the baby's not able to get on his shelves and his stuff. Because that's another thing is that now this baby is 10 months old, a very exploratory age.

23:31They just want to grab it and throw it. And he's at quite a different stage in his play where he's got projects, he's doing things, he's building things maybe, or he's got some imaginary play set up, or he's doing artwork. There's things that he's doing that we don't want to have him in the position where he's going to go off because the baby might have been about to mess it up. So that's one way that we can not only help the baby be safer without us having to be watching every second and also have him feel safer. Because again, when he feels safe, the baby's going to be safer. So how can we set the environment up?

24:14Sometimes also there's a way of having the older child have a space that's maybe just a table that the baby can't get to. The child can sit up at this table and do certain kinds of play that they don't want the baby to interrupt, or they maybe have a separate room where they can do it. And then what I'd recommend is to make it a choice for him to want to be with his sibling, but not something that he always decides when you can be there and be a safe presence with him. So he's making a conscious choice that he wants to be with the baby. I think it's so interesting and telling, not surprising in a way that when she offers him one-on-one time, he says he wants to do it with the baby.

25:00Actually, what I think I would do is I would say, oh, you really want the baby, but you know what? I'm going to insist that it's just with you because I just want to be with you. And if that becomes even a time where you go out for a walk or go to the park or do something simple and then he's getting mad at you or acting out in some way, then that is wonderful quality time where you can show him, I want to be with you even though you're not being your best self right now. I still want to be with you, even if you feel rejecting of me when we go out together. That's a wonderful message that you could give him in a one-on-one time.

25:40But then when you're with both of them, there's also a really telling part here. This is so common. He wants to interact and play with her, but all in aggressive play. And I'm too stressed sometimes to let him. Even if I say to myself I should trust and give him a chance, I end up regretting it. I mean, she talks about another time where he started pulling her hands and legs as a baby, to which we explained this can hurt her. So instead of explaining that can hurt her and all that, which I do believe a child would know, and instead of saying hands are not for hitting, help him with the impulse instead.

26:17So, oh, you want to do that? You know what? I'm not going to let you. Or you've got that excitable energy right now. So I'm not going to let you go in the baby's space right now. Or now I'll let you go in with me here. But you know what? I'm going to hold you back until you can breathe and come to her in a really calm place. And then be ready even then if he maybe seems calm or pulls it together that when he gets right next to her, that impulse might come up to lash out. Having your hand there even then, when you have the energy to do this, that's the way I would allow them to play together right now.