Does This Stuff Actually Work? Parents Write Back

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1:48Thank you so much to all of you who've pre-ordered Baby Person. As you may know, if you order from BookSoup, you'll receive a signed copy. I'll leave the link for that in the show notes.

2:02Hi, this is Janet Lansbury. Welcome to Unruffled. Today I'm going to do something that I rarely do. In fact, I think I've only done it once here before. and that is to share some updates I got from parents who had written to me with issues that I then shared on this podcast and I gave advice and now I have their feedback as to how it's going. I don't share these to toot my own horn but because I hope and I believe that they'll encourage you. I know that a lot of what I share here probably sounds like hogwash or indulgent, and maybe you're thinking or your partner's thinking, no way is that possibly going to work.

2:49So I thought you might appreciate some feedback as to how it's working for other parents, which, you know, isn't perfectly. I'm sure the parents who it isn't working for aren't the ones generally writing to me. So I'm aware of that. Although I did receive one recently that was a long time after I gave advice about toilet training. This was about how my advice didn't work for that parent and the ideas that she had worked a lot better for her. If you want to hear that podcast, it's called The Bad Advice I Gave About Toilet Training. So check that out. The ones I'm going to share today are positive updates.

3:29And specifically, there are about two different podcasts that I very recently recorded. One is The Counterintuitive Fix for Meltdowns at Drop-Off and Other Hard Feelings. The second one is My Toddler is Scared of Everything. So if you have issues that fall into those categories or something along those lines, I think it might really help you to hear these parents' feedback. Okay, so first, from the counterintuitive fix for meltdowns at drop-off and other hard feelings, this is how I describe the podcast, a four-year-old melting down at drop-off, a 21-month-old who started pulling her own hair when she's frustrated or overwhelmed.

4:15Two very different situations, but the same missing piece. I explain why our instinct to soothe, distract, or push past our kids' hard feelings during transitions often backfires, and why doing the opposite, openly going there to explore the situational discomforts kids may experience, even when we can't fix them, is what actually helps kids feel less alone and more able to move through them. So in this first scenario that I address, this parent says her daughter turned four in July, and she's attending a pre-K at the school where her sister goes and is in third grade and where this parent teaches.

4:56We were so happy to have one drop-off and pick up each day, but morning drop-offs are not going well. And then she goes on to explain that her daughter has been in daycare since she was one year old, and she attended pre-K at a different school last year. And at that time, she might struggle a little and need an extra hug and kiss, but she always end up going cheerfully into the gym after a quick goodbye. And now they're three weeks into the current school year at her new school and drop-offs are getting worse, not better. I drop her sister and her off in the cafeteria each morning with other students who arrive to school early.

5:33There are games and coloring sheets to occupy the younger students. So this daughter's complaining that it's too noisy and cold in the cafeteria and she has been increasingly difficult to leave in the morning. She has tears, screams, running out to the door to follow her mother. So this parent explains this is progressing, getting worse. And then it came to a head where she was kicking, screaming, biting, and banging on the glass doors of the cafeteria. And that she was even asked not to return for these early drop-offs for the rest of the week. And this parent was wondering what she can do. She works at the school.

6:09She needs this to work out, right? So first of all, I wrote to her and I said, I responded to your email in a podcast episode released on September 1st. Please let me know if you've had a moment to listen and if you could share an update on how your daughter's doing. Thank you again for writing to me. So one of the main points that I brought up for this parent before I get into her response is that it didn't sound like she was speaking about the elephant in the room, which was Now you're at a school where your mother's there, but she's not available to you. Just acknowledging the challenge of that for her daughter, which it did seem to me, this was what was making this situation so entirely different for her.

6:55And it's understandable. My mom's there, but I can't get to her. And that can make it hard for a child like this, who's a very strong personality, to let go of her. So here's what the parents said. Dear Janet, oh my gosh, yes, I actually heard the episode when it was posted while I was running. I was so surprised that you actually read my letter. After her, quote, suspension from morning early drop-off for two days and our conversation about how it was hard to be in the same space as mommy, but not being able to get her, she has had much better drop-offs. Fingers crossed it stays like that. Additionally, I've been giving her choices in the morning that she can control.

7:38Which door do you want to walk in? The front door or the side door? How many kisses goodbye today? And her older sister is helping her by taking her to teacher classrooms to help unstack the chairs and do other chores in the morning. So now it's been a quick kiss goodbye, or four, and off to help her teacher. Thank you so much for being such a great ally and resource for parents. So those were some other suggestions that I offered. The main one was really to bring up these feelings that her daughter may be having and really putting it out there. Maybe it feels easier to avoid or just we don't want to go there and talk about what's hard.

8:18We want to kind of smooth over that. But instead, speaking to it and putting it all out in the open is what very often helps kids over the hump. And then once we've done that, yes, making a plan together about how we can make this work, knowing that it is very challenging for her. And that's understandable. So I'm thrilled that this is working out for this family. And I'm so grateful to this parent for getting back to me and letting me know. And then I also got a note from the other family in that same episode. This parent had asked about her daughter doing this very concerning behavior, right?

8:55This 21-month-old is pulling her own hair. And this parent said it seems to be a self-soothing behavior. And the trend I've observed is during periods of frustration, tiredness, or boredom. We've been practicing verbalizing, I'm frustrated, which is helping a bit, redirecting through things like cold teething rings, pollstring toys, her pacifier. I try my best to stay calm and not draw attention to it, but it's honestly really distressing to watch. One other thing I'll add is that I recognize that this behavior is probably stemming from a need for control. We've been experiencing some life transitions in the past month, and this season will continue for about another four to six weeks.

9:36So I'm sure that has something to do with it too. So I had written back to this parent before I did the podcast episode, asking, have you brought into the open with her the struggles of the transition? like it must be so hard when, or this has changed. And I wonder if you miss your saying all those things that you might rather kind of smooth over and avoid. If you're like me, I'm not saying to do this while she's doing the hair pulling necessarily, but other times bringing up all those hard things that might be affecting her. This isn't to get an answer out of her, but to put it out there so she feels less alone in what she may be feeling.

10:16And this parent had then wrote back to me, Thank you so much for your response. I appreciate you taking the time. I've done it more generally, like change is really hard. And I've talked simply about what the changes are, but I haven't been that specific. That's really helpful. And then she wrote back, My husband and I just listened to the episode. It was really helpful. We've been more specific in just verbalizing her feelings and experience when she's feeling tired or frustrated and it's helped a lot with tantrums and the hair pulling has been less. Thank you again for your help. I really appreciate it.

10:53So two different situations, really the same advice. And it's such a challenging one for most of us. Not only letting the feelings be, but actually encouraging them, encouraging them to come out into the open, saying all the things that we'd rather maybe avoid that our child might be experiencing, knowing that our children are so aware and sensitive to everything that's going on. And while they can't verbalize that and don't understand it themselves, it's all going in, they're absorbing it. And then it can come out in these ways that are really disturbing or difficult for us, right? So addressing the feelings, bringing them out to the open is almost always at least a big part of the answer.

11:41Okay, here's a completely different podcast episode that I did just before fixing meltdowns at drop-off. This one I called My Toddler is Scared of Everything. And here's how I described it. A two and a half year old has become increasingly anxious and fearful. She often becomes overwhelmed, but can't explain what's wrong beyond saying she's scared and she wants to be picked up or removed from the situation. Her mom wonders where comfort ends and reinforcing the fear begins. Quote, how do we give her the comfort and security she clearly needs while helping her learn that she can feel scared and still be safe.

12:17I explore what may really be going on and how parents can respond in a way that respects the feelings without exacerbating them. So this parent in her note, it was quite a long note about how over the past several months, her daughter's become increasingly anxious and fearful. The range of things that frighten her seems to be growing, she says. She's especially scared of loud or unpredictable sounds like the vacuum, dishwasher, birds cawing, or workmen nearby. But she also says she's scared of cars when we cross roads or walk through car parks, and sometimes even, I'm scared of our house. Today she became scared of the bath, telling me there were pebbles in the bath, even though there was nothing there except water and her usual toys.

13:03When something frightens her, she can become extremely distressed, crying and wanting to be picked up or taken away from the situation, and she can be very difficult to settle even once the trigger is gone. She's always been a sensitive, cautious child, particularly around unfamiliar people in busy environments. She's also recently started crying at daycare drop-off and saying, I don't want to go to daycare, which is new and unusual for her. Although her educators tell us she settles and is happy throughout the day, and she speaks very fondly of her teachers and friends. So this parent goes on to say, she's usually very good at communicating with us, but when she's frightened, it's like the feeling completely overwhelms her and she can't tell us what's wrong beyond saying she's scared.

13:45We're honestly at a bit of a loss about how best to help her. When she's frightened, of course, we want to comfort her and help her feel safe, but we can't always pick her up or remove the trigger. She's getting heavier. We have two older children who need us too, and we can't avoid everyday things like running the dishwasher or encountering a loud bird outside? How do we give her the comfort and security she clearly needs while helping her learn she can feel scared and still be safe? What does supporting her through that fear look like when we can't always pick her up, remove her from the situation, or make the frightening thing stop?

14:19So what I suggested to this parent in the podcast, for one, when we're curious about our child's perspective, when we start to open up to the way that they see the world and the way that they're receiving the messages that we give them, we can see how influential we are in so many ways. So one of the things that I shared in this podcast was how when we jump to our child's reaction being one of fear, that's what they tend to believe as well, that they're afraid. When in fact, they might be surprised, startled, something a lot milder than afraid. And the reason we tend to go further into, you're scared, you're angry, you're so sad that you didn't get the toy, is because our fear tends to put us there, right?

15:14And also our child seems to be displaying such strong feelings that we tend to just exaggerate in our minds what's going on with them. When in fact, kids just express things more fully. So that's why it can seem like they're overreacting in all these different ways. Anyway, it's an interesting situation that we can tend to exaggerate the feelings that our child is having. And then that teaches them that they are having these more extreme feelings than they might be having. Attention all therapists, this message is for you. Most people think that you just sit in a comfy chair all day absorbing everyone else's feelings.

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18:26So anyway, hopefully this parent's note will explain and speak to these details that really allowed her to see more from her child's perspective. Hi, Janet. I just wanted to say a huge thank you for taking the time to explore my question so thoughtfully on the podcast. My husband and I have listened to the episode twice now, so we could really take in all your wisdom. You approached our situation with so much nuance and care, and the strategies you shared were incredibly practical and helpful. Your advice to take some of the words our daughter uses, particularly her labeling of everything as scary with a grain of salt was especially invaluable.

19:06I realized that scared and afraid were among the relatively few emotion words she knew, and we were probably giving those words even more power by reflecting them back to her so often. I've started responding much more as you suggested. Oh, that bird startled you, or that was a loud noise, or simply you didn't like that, rather than immediately labeling what she's feeling as fear. She's already saying she's scared less often, and even more encouragingly, has started challenging herself with things she previously wanted to avoid. She'll walk through the daycare car park holding my hand, or hear a bird call loudly and mention it, but keep walking rather than immediately asking to be picked up.

19:52Sometimes she'll give something a go, and then decide she still wants to be picked up. And if I can, I do. But one of the biggest changes since listening to your episode has actually been in my response. I'm no longer picking her up with that underlying frustration or sense that I need to make the fear go away. I'm trying to do it more calmly, confidently, and without making too much of a fuss. And I really think she feels that difference too. The only piece I'm still unsure about is what to do when her reaction is really intense. when she's genuinely hysterical, screaming and crying and struggling to settle.

20:28In those moments, would you still respond fairly lightly? Wow, you really didn't like that and calmly pick her up or comfort her without making a big deal? Or would you respond differently when she's that distressed? I think that's the one part I'm still trying to get a feel for. We're still figuring it all out, of course, but we can already see improvement. Thank you again for giving our families so much of your time and thought. I'm incredibly grateful. So thank you to this parent for giving me all this feedback and for asking her question, which I'd like to respond to right now. So there are times when children get set off into an even deeper place with these fears or whatever it is that they're reacting to.

21:12Oftentimes, as you've heard me say a lot here, these responses that our children have, These emotional responses are loaded with a buildup of feelings that kids naturally have about their development and about all the feelings of all that they don't control in their life, which they're learning more and more at the age this child is. She's two and a half. They're developing so rapidly and it's unsettling. And maybe there are things that happened, fears and things that they weren't able to express at all or didn't have the mother there to express them to. You know, when children go into a situation where they're cared for by others, they don't as often let it all hang out there.

21:56They save that for their primary attachment figures, their parents. So all of these things could be going on. And knowing that, what our child really needs is not us to have the right verbal response or to even try to label what's going on. I disagree with people that emphasize this labeling aspect of feelings. I've already sort of explained why, and this parent's explained why in her note. But, you know, there's so much that we don't know and we don't need to know to be able to help children process it. So that's what I would do is I would simply maybe say, wow, that's upsetting or something, but you probably don't really have to say anything.

22:44Just allow for that release that your child's having and be there available for that hug, available for them to show you what they need, whether that's being picked up, whether it's not being picked up, whether it's just them maybe falling to the floor and having their feelings there, trying to get into the habit for ourselves, which is a lifelong habit that's going to have so many relational benefits for us with our child as they're growing and so many benefits for them in building their resilience and emotional health. We're just holding space. We're not trying to fix it. We're allowing them to overreact or whatever we see happening.

23:27We're showing our care and compassion by allowing it to happen and getting comfortable in our role as available, caring, empathetic non-fixers. And I'm not saying this parent is trying to fix things so much, but it's a tendency that everybody I know has. And it's really more about us than our children if we think about it. It's about us being uncomfortable and wanting to make them better so we don't have to feel out of control or worried or scared. So that's the challenge. And that's actually behind all of these issues that I've brought up today and probably behind every podcast I've ever done or everything I've ever shared.

24:11In some way, this is a part of it. We're allowing our kids to have all their feelings and we're seeing ourselves is there. Yes, our presence is comforting. Our care is comforting. We don't have to demonstrate that through an action. We can really trust our child to show us what they need, especially a girl like this, who's going to say, pick me up. And what a relief, right? That we can be responsive and receptive and allow rather than having to do and manage and make something happen. The more we practice this, the easier it gets. Because we see the result, which is our child goes through something and they come out of it.

24:57And they're okay. They're okay so fast. It could be off-putting, right, how fast they're okay. It's very, very healthy. And we can do this for our kids. It's less work than all these things we're putting on ourselves. But it's an emotional exercise for us. A letting go and believing in our child. Thank you so much to these parents for getting back to me and sharing your insights and your thoughts. I appreciate it more than I can easily say because it reminds me and hopefully everyone listening that we really can do this. You're listening to this podcast, so I know you've got a curious mind. Here's a helpful fact you may not know yet.

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