Don’t Let School Be the End of Play

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2:02Hi, this is Janet Lansbury. Welcome to Unruffled. Today, I have a couple of really important messages. Well, one of them is very important. The other one, I think, will just be helpful to parents. But the first one, especially because school has started, I would like to present a case to you for making room for your child's play in their day. I'm going to talk about the importance of that, things we could do to make sure that happens. And then I'm going to talk about this other important message. Both of these messages apply to a note that I just received. Here it is. Hi, Janet. I've been a huge fan of yours for the past five and a half years, ever since I had my first child.

2:48The first podcast I ever listened to was your interview with Bethany Saltman, and the way that you both framed attachment was such a gift to me, especially with my first child during the newborn phase. Since then, I've bought your books, listened to your podcast, made all kinds of yes spaces in the many houses we've lived in, and most recently purchased your No Bad Kids Master Course. All this is to say, I've been so grateful for you as I've learned what it means to be a mom. I don't know if this is something you can speak to, but you're the first person I think of when I bump up against a struggle, and this is the hardest one for me.

3:22My five-and-a-half-year-old son will be in kindergarten this fall, and I'm struggling with that transition. He is extremely bright, social, and confident. Last year was his first year in any kind of structured child care environment. He went to preschool for just two days a week. He really loved it and asked to go more. I think I'm struggling with the tension between his little world opening up and seeing him respond in really positive ways to that, and also my desire for time with him and some values I have around living a slower-paced life. Maybe more than anything, wanting to protect his childhood and honor his need for play.

4:01At the beginning of the school year, just two weeks ago, he was enrolled at that same little preschool for their halftime kindergarten, three days a week. It felt like such a safe option to me because he still got two full weekdays at home, the class sizes are very small, and I'm familiar with the place in the community. However, I also placed him on the wait list for the public school in our neighborhood. You can only get in through their lottery system because it's a dual language program. A spot opened up yesterday, which is a big deal, and it's an opportunity we're likely going to take. There are many pros and cons to each, but it's very difficult to gain admission to that public school.

4:39They can only get a spot starting in kindergarten because of the dual language. And we could walk there. It's also free, so another plus. It's ranked the best school in our district, and I love the idea of feeling more connected to our neighborhood. I think overall, I'm just really struggling with the thought of him being anywhere five days a week for that long. I think there are messages from people like Kim John Payne and Gordon Neufeld that I interpret as public schools are generally not in favor of young children's development. And I need to work really hard to protect them from those systems.

5:15I'm sure I'm not even interpreting that correctly, but that's what I tend to come away with. And I feel like what I end up with at that point is a pull to smaller, maybe even insular communities like homeschooling or doing more of a hybrid model. However, my husband and I also hold a lot of values that are more in favor of public schools, wanting our children to have experience outside of our bubble, have more diverse classrooms, etc. In short, I feel like I'm at the cross section of wanting to protect his need for independent, unstructured play to give him more opportunities as he grows, and just feeling a whole lot of grief as I noticed the loss of his very young preschool years where everything was just play all of the time.

5:58Is there hope for families whose kids go to public school full-time? Is the pace of that somehow harmful to their development when they're this young? If you have any words or thoughts at all, I would be so grateful. You are someone I really look up to. And this has been the most challenging transition of motherhood for me so far. Thank you. So first, I want to say, well, thank you to this parent for all her support over the years and all her kind words about that. And there is so much hope for our children to be able to be in a public school system, any kind of school system, to move to the next stage of development, be more in the outside world and less in our control.

6:43Everything in this parent situation is pointing to how ready her child is and how positive this will be for him. I'm sure she's already made her decision because I believe I got this at least a week ago and she probably already had to decide about taking the spot in that school. But either way, there is so much hope here. There are a lot of parents listening whose children go into a program that's all day from a very young age, and those children can do very well. And children that go to preschool more than two days a week can succeed very well in those environments. But like I said, I want to talk about two important things here.

7:22The first is how we ensure that our children receive all the benefits of play, no matter what kind of educational program they're in. This parent seems to already understand the value in doing that. But maybe some parents don't, and I want to encourage them that play doesn't end when school starts, any kind of school. In fact, I would argue it becomes even more precious and important, the kind of play that this parent is valuing, that I also value, that others value. Independent, unstructured play. I think of independent as self-directed, unstructured play. but it is also easy at the same time to not recognize the importance and to kind of let it go and be in programs or other things after school.

8:13Even when our child doesn't need to be there for childcare, we might think that that's the best place for them. And I'm going to counter that a little bit in what I'm sharing. But anyway, this other message that's so important, it really is what parenting is about. What Magda Gerber said, to me, said it perfectly, Most people associate parental love with the easy solutions of holding, nursing, cuddling. What is much more difficult is to find the balance between holding on and letting go. It's a lifelong struggle and maybe the hardest part of parenting. This parent is feeling the pain of that. And it's something that a lot of us feel, if not all of us feel, at the beginning of a new year of school or care.

9:01We also can feel it at the end of a school year. Wow, that went so fast. And now my child is already going to be in the next grade. And we've got to move on again. And there's more letting go. And then there's high school. The two biggest ones of all for me were letting my child drive a car. I mean, talk about having to let go. You know, maybe you trust them, but you don't trust all the other people around them. Whew, that's a huge one. And then college. Dropping our child off somewhere and driving off, letting go of our child. And what children need is for us to do that with confidence. But that doesn't mean we don't have feelings about it, right?

9:48So I can so relate to what this parent's feeling. And I'm not saying that she should make the choice to have her child go to public school rather than homeschool. I mean, those are all options that she can weigh. But what I want to encourage her to see is that this is a healthy child transition and parent transition. And it is the job of parenting. It's the emotional job of parenting. Believing in our child to go to the next stage. And this can begin with, and this is very much what my new book is about, Baby Person. This can begin with us allowing our child to play, have experiences, have interests, even as a baby, that aren't decided by us, that aren't us carrying them around and showing them things, but allowing them space where they're free to move, where they can choose where to look, what to touch, for how long.

10:44So we could say that's the first kind of letting go. And it is around play. From there, of course, there's so many others. There's letting go of our child to be in the care of another person, even if that's our partner, if we're the one that's usually there, or a grandparent, or a relative, or a professional child care person, or a center. So that's the next big one. And then it can go on and on from there to these different stages of schooling. And even if we homeschool, which I'm going to be honest, I don't know that much about homeschooling. I've never done it with my kids. I know that it works great for a lot of parents.

11:21But even in that, I'm sure there's times when you're going to let your child go to someone else's house for a session or to a program somewhere. And maybe it becomes even harder to let our child go to college when we haven't had that experience at all the different levels. Preschool was a huge one for me because I was a stay-at-home parent and I got to observe my children playing or at least be nearby. And then suddenly, I really wanted to be a fly on the wall and see what they're doing there. I mean, I couldn't imagine them having this whole life away from me. Having experiences with other people, adults and peers, it was huge.

12:03It is a thing. And so what this parent is going through is so normal and healthy, I would say. It's this love and care that we've given to our children. So there's that. But here's this idea that I think at least for this parent can give her some comfort and peace of mind. Play is still important. In fact, it's even more important, like I said, when children are in these programs that are more structured, where other people have agendas for them, they can manage all of that and they can do quite well with that, especially from kindergarten age on. A preschooler is less ready to have that real structured kind of learning.

12:47They learn best through play and socializing. But as children get older, yes, they can gain a lot from other kinds of learning. Even if they have a mediocre teacher, They learn from that. But what I hear happening a lot is that even children who don't need a kind of an after school program, you know, for childcare reasons, parents can believe that we need to give them various enrichment classes that are also not unstructured play. So even if our child needs to go to an aftercare program, I would urge the directors of these programs to at least make lots of time for unstructured play. So it's not that they're all about a lesson or some kind of directed learning.

13:34That children really get that therapeutic release at the end of their day. And all the benefits that play offers them that continue through adulthood, but our children especially need them in these early years. Probably my favorite expert on play of all is Dr. Stuart Brown and his book Play, How It Shapes the Brain, Opens the Imagination, and Invigorates the Soul. And he writes, I've found that remembering what play is all about and making it part of our daily lives are probably the most important factors in being a fulfilled human being. The ability to play is critical, not only to being happy, but also to sustaining social relationships and being a creative, innovative person.

14:18And here he offers a definition of play much later in the book. Remember the definition of play, an absorbing, apparently purposeless activity that provides enjoyment and a suspension of self-consciousness and sense of time. It is also self-motivating and makes you want to do it again. How many of us still feel like we need that in our lives, right? I do. And then finally, here's one more quote from the book. We may think we are helping to prepare our kids for the future when we organize all their time, when we continually ferry them from one adult-organized, adult-regulated activity to another.

14:56And of course, to some degree, these activities do promote culturally approved behavior as well as reinforce our roles as, quote, good parents. But in fact, we may be taking from them the time they need to discover for themselves their most vital talents and knowledge. We may be depriving them of access to an inner motivation for an activity that will later blossom into a motive force for life. So what I'm proposing, and a lot of you already do this and already know this, is that after school is primarily downtime, meaning not the engagement of an entertaining device, a phone or a screen, but enough time in the afternoon, an hour or two at least, where kids can do what maybe looks like nothing.

15:50If they have certain hobbies or creative things or building or other kinds of toys that they like to play with, this is the time for them to get to immerse themselves in that. And maybe it's just, it's about being grumpy and edgy and getting that time to themselves to think and process that with our support as they need it. I'm not saying that we wouldn't play with our child as well, but if we're going to do that, I would let them decide the play. And the way that I would recommend structuring this is as your children get older and they have homework, things like that, that they still get this time when they get home, unless they wanna do their homework right away, to have their free time, not screen time, but just play time or relaxing time, whatever that looks like for them.

16:43Then they do their homework. And after they do their homework, if you wanna offer some kind of screen time, then that would be the time that I recommend. And not saying like, well, you can't do this until you do that. but presenting it as this is just how it works. This is what we're going to do. So it's not this challenging thing that we're setting this harsh limit and being, you know, already kind of annoyed about it. This is probably for another podcast episode, but I recommend starting in the early years, having homework be something that's work that your child is doing basically with their teacher.

17:23We can be there to help them and sometimes just be present and encourage them to do it. But I recommend that we don't make this our job. Okay, now we're going to do your homework. Now we got to do your homework and put ourselves in that position. I know too many parents that find themselves stuck there. It becomes their homework. They have to get their child to do this work. Teachers, that's what they're there for. They want to have those questions from children. They want to have that relationship with children. And they want children to do the work, not have their parents do it and have their child take on these responsibilities.

18:03Hopefully it's not happening in kindergarten. I believe that's way too young for homework, but I know some schools do it. But whenever that does come about, that's something that you leave to your child as much as possible. And I know I could already hear parents saying, that's just not possible for me and my child. I think if that's the case, I would let the teacher know that your child can't make this work for whatever reason and have the teacher adjust with them. So it's left between your child and your teacher. You've heard me talk a lot about transitions and how difficult they can be. One of the biggest is back to school.

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21:01Back to play. It can be tempting to want to have our child not only in lessons, but then have our weekends crammed with activities. And a lot of parents tell me my child likes that. They want to be busy. But that can be a kind of trap that we can all get caught up in. Never kind of just letting go and letting there be room for these more self-directed, more child-paced experiences. In my book, Baby Person, I talk about how play begins and how we can encourage it right from the beginning. And I say, this is from the book, play has been studied, discussed, appreciated, and recommended by childhood educators and psychologists with more enthusiasm than any other aspect of childhood for good reason.

21:48Through this inherently fun activity, our kids expand their minds and abilities in marvelous ways. Even when play looks like nothing but messing around, as it often does, it's working its magic, activating our children's development of cognitive, motor, social, creative, and learning skills like critical thinking, problem-solving, focus. Play is also naturally therapeutic, a powerful tool for offloading stress, digesting and assimilating experiences, and processing feelings. Playing together with our kids bonds us like nothing else, can be a catalyst for learning and discovery as it deepens our relationships.

22:26The urge to play with our babies and kids of all ages, all fellow humans, and let's not forget pets, is one to follow. So dear reader, I hope that you will not confuse my suggestions as a substitute for parent-led types of play. I'm for every type of play. Whenever or wherever play is happening, you can count me in. What I offer is an additional type of play to consider nurturing if you aren't already doing it. A way of enjoying playtime with our babies that tends to be less obvious and instinctive for most of us because it's about letting our babies be creators and initiators. For this type of play to flourish, we first need to imagine that babies are capable of it.

23:02We'll need to believe in them as people with ideas of their own, a possibility that again, hadn't occurred to me until I saw it for myself. So blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, and so on. Value this, nurture it. And to this dear parent that wrote to me, this can go on. And it can go on even with more richness because your child will be bringing in all this stimulation, all these interesting ideas that he's been exposed to, and he'll be filtering it through his own mind and imagination, assimilating it through his self-directed, unstructured experiences. I think it's easy to underestimate the importance of this time that children still need all the way through and that we need as adults for our own joy in living.

23:56And in a way, we could see this as a relief for us that we can do less, less activity, less places to drive our child to or get our child to or pay for our child to do. We can decelerate into a more relaxing experience. Kim John Payne, this parent brought his name up. His book is Simplicity Parenting. It's about the power of less. And if that seems like a challenge and you feel resistance about it, maybe think about that for yourself. Do you have all these demands on yourself? Do you have all these expectations? Are you allowing yourself to rest and relax and just enjoy the little things with yourself or with your child?

24:40And again, if we feel worried that this isn't going to be enough and that we're not doing enough for our child, I want to share another. It's actually a list of things that children learn when they're allowed to self-direct play. And this was part of a conference presentation that I did several years ago about play in babies and toddlers, actually, but this applies to all humans. To make choices, to strategize, how things move, to formulate and execute a plan, creative problem solving, the properties of objects and materials, to tolerate frustration, how to work out conflicts with objects and other children, to take initiative, concentration and follow through, meeting challenges with spontaneous and fresh responses, abstract thinking and hypothetical reasoning, self-motivation, inner directedness, cause and effect, consequences, satisfaction in one's efforts, perseverance, to process feelings, to be with oneself, to trust one's judgment, to be self-rewarded, focus, autonomy, a love of learning, to follow one's instincts, to be curious, to dream, to imagine, to understand the world.

26:03This parent could still have all of that and more for her child in the precious in-between times. Okay, that's my pitch. Thank you again to this parent. I hope some of this helps and encourages. We can do this. Hey, I've got the campaign brief ready, built from last quarter's data and the competitive landscape. Approved? Oh, agents, where would we be without you? Somewhere with a lot more tabs open. Create your first Monday agent in minutes at monday.com.