Finally! A One-Size-Fits-All Approach to Our Kids' Behavior

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1:38Hi, this is Janet Lansbury. Welcome to Unruffled. So today I have a couple of notes that I'm planning to respond to. One of them is quite detailed and the other one is so short you're probably going to wonder how I could possibly infer anything from it. But what both of these bring up for me is this idea that there really is a one-size-fits-all approach to dealing with our kids' behavior. And that is, well, you've heard me say this before, but to meet them where they are. So we don't need to find a special resource for my child at a certain age because they've gone past the toddler years. We don't need to get different tools to help us with a child who seems more sensitive than another child.

2:31And how we even decide that, I'm not sure, because everything is a range. And even if our child is neurodivergent, we can meet them where they are. There's a whole range of sensitivities. Yes, Sometimes children that are neurodivergent are much more easily overwhelmed. Sometimes they need us to help them in ways that aren't as hands-on that give them more space. But what we want to do is tune in to our individual child. When we start imagining that there are sort of lines of demarcation, now we treat a child this way and this type of child we treat this way, I believe it takes us off track. and it takes us into using techniques and tactics rather than engaging with our child in the way that they need us to, in the way that their behavior is showing they need us to.

3:21Every child is unique. We wouldn't want to be classified as adults as, oh, she's this kind of person that we're going to talk to her that way, but yet we sometimes believe we need to do this with kids and it can distract us and take us in directions that aren't truly helpful to us or to our child. it's really not that complicated what children need from us when they're behaving in these concerning ways. That's a good thing, right? That's freeing for us. That makes our lives simpler. It's still going to be challenging because we're bringing in all of our stuff from our childhood, all of our personal experiences.

4:02We're getting triggered by certain things that our children do. There may be children with personalities that just feel like they clash more with ours. And it is very challenging to connect with children from where they are, instead of from where we are as adults, which is a very different place in terms of our maturity, our ability to see the whole picture, to put things in context, to be somewhat reasonable, even when we're struggling, young children have a much harder time doing that, and they're less likely to. So those challenges are enough, right? We don't also need the challenge of, well, wait, maybe my child's more like this, and I need to try this, or now that they're this age, I need to talk to them this way.

4:51No. In my experience, what I believe is we can let all that fall by the wayside and just focus on how do I connect with this child? And children will show us what they need once we kind of understand the differences between them and us, the difference between their stage of maturity and ours, and what children's behavior generally means. One thing across the board we can say about children's behavior, when it's erratic, when it's aggressive or even violent, that they are struggling, that they're having a hard time, that they need help from us. They need us to see that they can't be in these reasonable frames of mind that we want to put them in.

5:36We really want to, because that makes sense to us, right? So I'm going to explain what I mean by this through these two notes. And the first one is this detailed one. The subject line is ruffled with our three-year-old. Hi, Janet. I'm seeking help with my three-year-old soon to be four in February. My daughter has always had strong emotions. If I recall, her first tantrum happened at 10 months old. And since then, until now at nearly four years old, we've gone through phases of extreme meltdowns. For her, it always seems to have come back to exerting control, and she would lose all sense of what the original issue was, and just end up screaming at me or her father to stand in a certain spot or to stand up if we were sitting down or to stand up properly.

6:30It always seemed like after a few weeks, things would turn a corner for the better. And we usually chalked it up to some kind of breakthrough in communication, which made sense to us when she was younger. However, for the past month or two, she is having new kinds of meltdowns where the smallest thing could set her off. A typical morning might be five seconds after getting out of bed, she collapses on the floor, bawling because her t-shirt doesn't feel good. When we eventually get past it and talk about how we can work on staying calm if she feels like she is getting worked up again, and she tells us how she can do that, take deep breaths, count, etc.

7:10Ten seconds later, another meltdown because she can't get her socks on. We offer to help, we offer different socks, etc. There might be another couple of these before we make it downstairs, and they're not short-lived. We try to be consistent on how we deal with these situations, being near her and offering help, letting her know we're here when she's ready, or we just say, okay, we're not sticking around for this. I'll be downstairs. Let me know when you're ready to continue with the morning. But we don't always have time for that. And there are times when we've gotten mad too, because honestly, it's frustrating for us all.

7:46She seems to want to self-sabotage and create problems where there are none. For example, my husband offered her some candy at dinnertime last week, and she broke down saying, Mom won't allow it. I looked over and said, It's fine, of course you can. And she continued to say, I wouldn't let her. We're not that strict on treats, so this is something she's making up to make life difficult. When things frustrate her, most things, I can show her exactly how to fix it and she'll make it out like that's not the right solution. We welcomed her baby brother in July and I know this seems like an obvious catalyst, but she's always been prone to this behavior.

8:24We try to carve time out just for her. She loves her little brother. Is it a cry for attention? Maybe. But either way, we're not making any progress or seeing light at the end of the tunnel. So it sounds like this little girl is going through a lot, right? She's showing that she's having quite a struggle. She's always been a sensitive, intense girl. And that doesn't mean that we are going to treat her differently than another child, but it's just something for us to know so that we can feel more comfortable in the face of her behavior. And of course, we're never going to be entirely comfortable when our child is behaving this way, but we're going to be, oh, here she goes.

9:08This is her. She gets really easily touched off. And this is the way that it often looks, that she goes into these very unreasonable places. Nothing makes sense. We try to fix it. There's no way to fix it. She tells us we're wrong. She tries to hold on to control in these strange ways, telling us what to do. So that is all very typical for a lot of children, that they express their struggle that way. Other children express it other ways. She might be taking it out on the brother or hitting her parents or calling them names or maybe just go inside herself and just not be able to function at all.

9:52We don't know what's wrong with her and she won't tell us, that kind of thing. So there's this whole range of ways that children will express the struggle, but it's all coming from the same place. All we really need to know is there's a struggle going on here. And our job is to help our child through the struggle, not by being doormats, letting her tell us what to do and where to stand. And definitely not that or any kind of behavior that's feeding into her unreasonableness that's buying into that. but we can still help her with her struggle. So one of the things I see in this note is that maybe because she's turning four, the parents see her as more mature than she is.

10:39Because sometimes she's probably very mature and capable and articulate. This kind of child is often like that. There's two sides to this coin for them. And so it can be deceiving, right? This child is so capable. Therefore, instead of seeing how much she's struggling, we're feeling like she's being unreasonable. As this parent says, she's intentionally trying to self-sabotage and create problems where there are none. So children, especially children this age, never do that. They don't try to create problems where there are none or self-sabotage. Those are things that adults might do that might be ways of them externalizing their struggle.

11:27But children, they're very out in the open. And that's why for me, it's a lot easier to work with them and to work with their parents because it's all out there. Look, I'm acting kooky because I'm struggling. I can't actually handle this moment. It's not this intentional thing that she's making up that her parents are strict on treats in this example, to try to make life difficult. So kids, we can know across the board that kids, they don't do that. They don't have these intentions. They don't want life to be difficult. They don't know why they're acting the way they're acting. And therefore, when we respond as if they're intentional, or there's some response that points out the reasonableness or the unreasonableness of what they're doing, and that we can get them out of this?

12:20No, that's a trap that we can fall into when we perceive their behavior as intentional. So let's just back up for a second, though, and look at this. This parent says that she does these things exerting control, and she would lose all sense of what the original issue was and just end up screaming at me or her father to stand in a certain way or stand up if we're sitting down or stand up properly. So the parent doesn't say how she and her partner respond to being told what to do, but this is the struggle. She's not in control there. She's throwing out these seeming bids for control because she feels so out of control.

13:01And that's how children try to counterbalance it. That's why when they have to have that blue cup or I don't like my t-shirt, these are these strange bids, these kind of of grasps at control when I really feel out of control. I mean, losing all sense of what the original issue was, yes, because that original issue wasn't really the issue. It was something that was just on the outside that set her off. When a child is doing this, let's say she's telling us what to do, where to stand, where to stand. Oh, you want us to do this? You want us to do that? We're just nodding our head. I hear that. Don't worry.

13:40We're not going to let you boss us. And absolutely don't let her boss you. Own your role as her confident leader so that she gets to be a little child. But not taking it like, how dare this young lady? Or this is crazy. Why would she think she can do this to us? Or all of those things that get us kind of offended or turning on her. When we look inside and we remind ourselves, none of this outside stuff is the issue. The issue is she's struggling. So we're just going to help her as best we can with this struggle by letting her share it with us in this symbolic way that she's doing it. Not buying into it, but really seeing, oh, she's unraveling.

14:28All right, she's got to unravel and we can be the safe presence. So that right there is a one size fits all solution. Okay. And then this parent also says she's having new kinds of meltdowns where the smallest thing could set her off. Yes, smallest thing setting kids off. We can be sure that it's that those small things are tipping off a more general struggle that she's having. Before the baby came, that could have been just the developmental struggles that children have as they're changing and developing so rapidly. They wake up in the morning, they feel different. Things throw them off balance.

15:06if my parents are expecting a lot of me or they're giving me so much power to be so much more grown up than I am, that's going to make me uncomfortable. And yet I can't tell them that. I can't even understand that myself. Five seconds after getting out of bed, she collapses on the floor bawling because her t-shirt doesn't feel good. So right there, whoa, all right, we've got a live one on her hands this morning. She's going to go right there first thing in the morning. Look where she's at. Wow. It's going to be a rough one maybe. But if we can let her share this and not get offended by it and not try to push back on it or try to fix it, then she can pass through it.

15:53And kids do. And it's almost like the more out there it is, the quicker they can pass through it. So the t-shirt doesn't feel good. Oh gosh, this is a rough one. And then she says, when we eventually get past it. So I don't know what getting past it. It sounds like this parent is doing work to try to get her past this instead of just let her have it. Let her be in the struggle. It's okay. It's safe. She's not doing this to us and it's not our job to fix it. Relieve yourselves of that. give in to this idea that she woke up with all these feelings that she needs to get off her chest. This friend says when we eventually get past it and talk about how we can work on staying calm if she feels like she's getting worked up again.

16:39So that is a losing battle. I know there's a lot of information, especially out now about how you give these kids breaths and counting and we're supposed to calm them down. Right there, we're putting pressure on ourselves to fix this. instead of allowing her to pass through it. And we're giving her that message too. We don't mean to, we're just trying to do the right thing. But we're giving her that message. You have to take mental control when you're struggling. Kids can't do that. I mean, a three-year-old or four-year-old in this situation with a new baby, which is a huge transition, and now she's in all these little transitions, waking up, getting out of bed, getting dressed.

17:22These are common places for them to fall apart and struggle. And that's what she's showing us. But she's not able to, and I don't believe it would be even as healthy for her to pull it together. You're going to be fine. Breathe. You don't feel what you're feeling. That's not helping her get all this silly stuff off her chest. It's kind of like we're stuffing it down again. We're not relieving her of all these overwhelmed feelings that she apparently has and that she goes into easily. She's an easily overwhelmed person, but those are often the powerful people too, or sensitive people in positive ways.

18:04So now we're trying to help her reasonably gain control over this feeling instead of just flopping and letting it out. Then she says 10 seconds later, there's another meltdown because she can't get her socks on, right? Because we can't help her with this. This is a meltdown that she needs to have. The parents said, we offered to help. We offered different socks. So this is this mismatch between us and kids, us as adults. Well, let's get our different socks. It doesn't help. Going into reason and fixing and thinking that she's coming from a reasonable place and trying to respond to her that way, it's not going to help.

18:43and it's going to build frustration for us because look how hard we're trying. We got her past the collapse on the floor. Now we have to get her through the meltdown about the socks when it's not really even about socks. These are all unproductive efforts. And whenever we as parents take on these unproductive efforts, we are going to lose patience. And it's the last thing we want, right? We're working so hard to make this better for her, to help her through this. And then what's happening is we're becoming less and less connected because we're not seeing her and she's not able to feel comfortable with us.

19:22So then this parent says, we try to be consistent on how we deal with these situations, being near her and offering help and letting her know we're here when she's ready. Right? So that's very kind, very loving, but also reasonable. Kids can't even say when they're in these states, when they're struggling like this. if we say, do you want me to help you? Oh, yes. If you could help me find different socks or get dressed or get up, that would make it a lot better. So we're asking them even through this very kind thing, like offering help, right? We feel we're being so kind and she can't even go there to like, well, sure.

20:01How could you help me? Because she's not in that place of knowing she needs help or why she's even doing this or what's going on with her. It's really a struggle all the way through. And again, clearly, it's not just about a t-shirt or socks or treats later or any particular thing. It's the need to have a safe meltdown, really. And meltdowns only feel safe when our parents accept them. We don't have to love them, but accept them is okay. That doesn't mean we're sitting and waiting. It doesn't mean we're coddling. It doesn't mean we're anything but accepting that, whoa, this is what's happening right now.

20:42And my child clearly needs to do this. So the kind of consistent that our children need is not in how we're trying to help or say certain things. Certainly it's how we are able to see, whoa, they've lost it. That poor little girl is totally overwhelmed. Yeah, she's behaving in unkind ways and annoying, but poor her in there. Then, yeah, so the parents say, okay, we're not sticking around for this. I'll be downstairs. Let me know when you're ready to continue with the morning. So if we need to leave, we should leave for sure. But the way the parent is saying this, it sounds like she's relating to this as something intentional that we need to say, we're not going to put up with this.

21:32And that then she could stop. And children sometimes do stop when we leave them that way, but it makes them feel less safe. And so we're going to get more of this later. It's going to come back to bite us and it's not worth it. And it's seeing her as somebody a lot older than she is right now. And I'm not talking about in age, but in her maturity in this moment, which I mean, And even adults can go into these really immature places when they're struggling. We do unreasonable things. We do unhealthy things. We lash out. We don't like our shirts. We hate all our socks. We try to gain control in ways that don't make sense.

22:14And we're adults. So what I would love to encourage this parent to do is help her daughter in this situation, to help her struggling daughter. Probably not asking her daughter if she wants help because she's already showing she's in this unreasonable place. So just going ahead and proactively helping rather than trying to come back at her with reason or tell her, well, I'm just not going to deal with this because you're being awful. Which, you know, again, I certainly relate to this parent feeling like that, but that's not going to help her get what she wants, which is less of this behavior and a more comfortable child who's able to be at her best.

22:55So the way to do that is to put our arms around her figuratively, if not literally. I'm not saying when she's lashing out that we're trying to hug her or do anything like that. Absolutely not. But oh gosh, the shirt. Oh no, the socks. You know what? I'm going to help you with these socks. Sit on my lap, my love. I know you feel like a mess today. I'm going to help you. Let's get you all ready. And then she says, no, I don't want that. Oh, I know you don't want that. You don't want this. You don't want any of it. Don't worry. I'm here for you. Then our child, yeah, sure. She may have a few more lashes in her and a few more objections or maybe a lot more objections, especially if she hasn't had this experience with us a lot, then she might have to unconsciously kind of test it out with, well, will they stay in this mode or are they going to start seeing me as more intentional and turn away from me or be annoyed with me?

23:54So they may push it a little more, but soon, if not right away, their little hearts go, oh, they didn't buy into my stuff. They didn't take it seriously. All these problems I'm having with clothes. They didn't make me try to pull it together. They babied me when I needed it. They brought me back in the nest and they took charge. We don't have to get our back up to these things. I know some of that is just reflexive and it's really hard to change our ways as parents and to see behavior for what it is. But the more we do that, the freer we are to respond in ways that actually help, that actually change the behavior.

24:38Not by any rule book, but by us knowing that all we need to do, this one size fits all approach is to understand that our child is struggling and just needs help. The help that a parent can easily give when we're in that mindset, when our perceptions are in order. Because here again, when we go on this other path, it's so frustrating for us and it just distances us from our child and makes us dislike them. I mean, It's okay to say that. How could it not? So if you're feeling like that about your child, know that it's all in the way that you're perceiving them and their behavior. I love a good family trip as much as anyone, but travel right now is no joke.

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28:02so this parent said when things frustrate her most things i can show her exactly how to fix it and she'll make it out like that's not the right solution right that's it right there because it's not about the thing on the outside that she needs to fix it's about her being able to express that she's uncomfortable and she sees no solution. The solution is actually that somebody lets her feel uncomfortable. She's going to be acting out of that discomfort and it's okay. It'll pass. It'll pass quicker if we allow her to be that way and we still love her through it. All right. This one other note is simply, thank you for all the tools you've given us.