Finding Your Voice for Setting Limits

0:00Janet Lansbury:One second, you're finally cleaning out the gutters. The next, the fire alarm blares from inside. Smoke billows out the kitchen window. These are the wake-up calls that happen daily. In one second, everything can change. ADT knows that nobody wants to feel unsafe or unprepared for an emergency, especially in their own home. That's why they offer affordable DIY security systems you can set up yourself and monitor from virtually anywhere with the ADT Plus app. They're customizable so you can set up the system that works best for you and keep an eye on it in real time. And ADT security technology is designed for peace of mind by making it easier for first responders to identify your house.

0:42Janet Lansbury:They have the most company-operated monitoring centers in the industry, which means you'll get the alerts that matter for you and your home. You tackle that to-do list, ADT will help make sure your home's protected. When every second counts, count on ADT. Visit ADT.com to learn more. It's been a long winter, cold, wet, with a lot of indoor time, but spring is here, which means it's time to start thinking about a little refresh. Not a full renovation, just a few easy swaps that make the whole place feel lighter, brighter, and slightly less February. Wayfair's here to help. Whether you're on a mission for something specific or just browsing, you'll find inspiration for every space and budget.

1:23I describe my style as cozy cottage. I'm drawn to soft, natural fabrics, warm colors, pieces that maybe don't technically go together, but somehow do. And Wayfair is my happy place. Couches, side tables, artwork, candles. And I never have to leave the house. I found a circular braided rug that fits perfectly in my workspace and a gorgeous bamboo end table that I'm pretty sure I saw in a local store for three times the price. Same vibe, very different price tag. No matter what you're looking for, start at Wayfair. Great ideas, practical solutions, a huge selection and prices that make redecorating feel a lot more doable.

2:03Find furniture, decor, and essentials that fit your unique style and budget. Head to Wayfair.com right now and shop all things home. That's W-A-Y-F-A-I-R dot com. Wayfair. Every style, every home.

2:23Hi, this is Janet Lansbury. Welcome to Unruffled. Well, I'm excited today because a parent reached out to me with a question. And this question is so great because on one hand, it's sort of just fine tuning her approach, which is already very much in a positive direction with her children. And so in a way, this seems like a small detail, but another way to see this is that this little detail is everything. This will make all the difference in this parent's comfort and setting boundaries, having discipline to work with her children, and the most important thing, helping her feel really, really good about what she's doing.

3:09We all deserve that. So here's her note. Hi, Janet. A huge thank you for all the work you put into supporting families. I love your books and look forward to your podcast coming out each week. Most notably, your approach helped us navigate a really tricky transition with our first daughter after our second was born. This manifested in a lot of aggression towards the baby, i.e. trying to gouge her eyes out, eek, and your guidance helped us stay calm and empathetic while striving to keep everyone safe. The baby is now a year, and while we still have some sibling scuffles, which I'm sure will continue in some form their whole lives, ha, I now feel safe leaving them playing in a room together.

3:53At times I thought we'd never get here. Thanks to you, we did this without punishing or shaming my oldest just by being a steady anchor for her while her world felt tumultuous. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I'm writing with a question regarding boundaries and the language used to set them. I was an elementary school teacher for years before having children and am realizing I'm still recovering from all the behaviorism my teacher training instilled in me. I find the, quote, if blank, then blank language slipping into my parenting way more than I would like. If you keep playing with your food, then dinner will be over.

4:33If you throw your car again, then it will go away. If you keep climbing on me, then I'm going to move my body elsewhere. I feel comfortable and confident following through on the boundary after I've stated it, but the language feels threatening in a sense. And just like I'm talking too much. I'm wondering if I'm missing something in the delivery, or if there's another way you would suggest going about this. I would love to hear your thoughts. Again, thank you for all you do for children. So yes, this parent, her self-awareness is amazing. She already knows what she's doing. But here's this thing that's creeping up on her, this language.

5:15She doesn't want to be stating things this way, and yet she finds herself doing it. And I'm sure it's because this was sort of conditioned into her as a teacher. The adjustment I'm going to suggest, I recommend it for parents, for teachers, for us with other adults, for setting any kind of boundary with anyone. And for those of you that have followed me, you know, I really like things to be clear and across the board. Not like, well, in this situation, you do this. And in that situation, you do that. But to really have an overall plan that makes sense. And that's the advice I'd like to offer to this parent, that she approaches communication with her children as she would a friend.

6:02And now I can just hear people saying, oh, Janet Lansbury said to treat our kids like friends. Isn't that wonderful? Like, great, all these kids are gonna grow up brats. And no, kids need more from us than just being their friend. This isn't the same as a friend relationship. Now it does become that as our children become adults. And that's wonderful. And that's the whole reason that we want every way we interact with our child to be relationship-centered. That everything we do, all these details in their care, everything serves to bring us actually closer in the end. Now, maybe not in the moment when we're mad at each other or whatever, but the thrust of everything we're doing is forging ahead to this trusting relationship that we are trying to navigate.

6:51Mutual trust and respect. The difference in a friend and a parent is that our kids desperately need us to be leaders. They need us to be guides, not on equal footing with them in that sense, where they're having to make decisions and figure things out when they're two and three and six and teenage. That really needs to be our job. And actually, a lot of the times kids' behavior is off. underneath that is that we're letting them make too many decisions. On the outside, it sounds like we're letting them, but to a child, it feels like we're putting this pressure on them that they have to be in this control position in the house.

7:33And because we believe maybe this is being kind and respectful, we are not being confident leaders as they need us to be. We're negotiating everything. We're letting our child call all kinds of shots. Now there are lots of things kids need to call the shots in. They're played, they're learning, but not behavior and household rules and those kinds of expectations. So no, this is not a friend relationship. However, our kids deserve the same respect and need the same respect that we would give a friend. in the way that we speak to them. You know, one of the criticisms of what I teach sometimes is, or one of the misconceptions about it is you're treating kids like adults or whatever.

8:23No, we're not treating kids like adults, but we're treating kids with the same respect and politeness that we would give to adults. But our relationship is not one of two adults. It's a parent and a child or a school teacher and a student. So what am I actually suggesting to this parent and to everybody listening? How does that look? And how is that different from what this parent said she's getting caught up in? I believe that what I'm going to share is the way that she wants to be with her children, because it is the way that will feel really, really good and comfortable to you. You'll be proud that you're being this way.

9:01And that simply is being warm, polite, honest, That doesn't mean we're always happy about what our child's doing or the limit that we have to set, but we can still be polite. And I've found that politeness is highly underrated in terms of its effectiveness with children. I saw an example of this several months ago. I live near a public beach, and it's where I always like to jog. And there are, in the summertime, courses at the beach. There's lifeguard trainings and surf classes and all kinds of activities on the beach. And it really struck me. I was jogging past one of these where all the children were sitting there.

9:44And they weren't young, young children. They were maybe tweens or young teens. And this adult woman was standing there saying, you need to, and this is what you're going to do. And I was just thinking, she doesn't need to talk like that. Maybe we think that that's being an effective leader, but it's actually not. It's not as effective as saying, please do this. Thank you so much. This is what we're planning for the next thing that we're going to do today. We're hoping that you can all help out. These are just kind, polite ways of talking to people that kids not only need to, but they need especially because they're much more vulnerable as learners.

10:30So they more than anyone need that respect. And it works. And it feels really good. So for this parent, all I suggest is that she adjusts to this idea that she's talking to her child as a friend. And this is a great way to assert our boundaries too. To use what they always say in therapy when you're in couples therapy, they say, use I statements, right? I mean, that's kind of psychology 101. one. So instead of if you're doing this, then that's going to happen. She could try. I see you're playing with your food and I don't want to keep sitting here and having dinner with you doing that. So are you done?

11:11Because otherwise I'm going to take the plate away and we'll move on to something else. We don't need a threatening tone. We don't need that kind of challenging tone that kids don't tend to respond well, beginning as toddlers when they feel, oh, there's a challenge. They're trying to get me to do something and put me in this position. And I just want to save face and be a big kid. Maybe that means saying no to what she's saying, even though it would be easy for me to do. You know, I'm not saying that they're having this conscious thought process, but it puts kids in this position where they kind of want to say no, or they want to go against you.

11:49Instead of being so kind and respectful, because we love them. And I know this parent does love her children. That's clear. Why wouldn't we treat them the same way we would another adult or a friend? If we do that and our child still won't do what it is, say, you know what, I'm going to have to pick it up. I'm going to have to pick the plate up and put this away. Sorry, I know you're having a hard time focusing or wanting to do what I say or something. You know, just being really honest. And I'm not saying you have to say all these words that I'm saying, but being confident isn't being this tough, strong, kind of challenging you and talking down to you thing.

12:27that maybe a lot of us thought it was. And I don't know if that's behaviorism, but it is authoritarian parenting. It's the way that a lot of us were raised. And it was unnecessary. And it does affect relationships in the long run, because it feels judgmental and like this person is against us, and that they don't believe the best in us. Okay, let's give another example from what this parent said, if you throw the car again, then it will go away. Oh, you're throwing your car. What's up with that? I don't want you to get hurt. I don't want you to hurt the stuff. I got to keep you safe as I'm picking it up and taking it away.

13:05I mean, if my child threw a car once, I would be pretty sure that that was something that they couldn't handle at that moment, that they were using the car in a way that was kind of asking me for a boundary, not that they were enjoying playing that way. I mean, kids know so much more than we give them credit for, but they're also way more impulsive and challenged to self-regulate than we may believe. So in this one way, we underestimate them. We think they just didn't know that was the wrong thing to do. They knew. They knew the very first time, the way that we reacted when they first hit us as a baby when they were in our arms or the very first time they did anything, they are very, very aware and they're excellent learners.

13:54They know. But does that mean they can control the impulse to do it? No. So that's where we overestimate them. And this is even true in adolescence, right? And for some of us as adults, doing things that we don't really want to do when We find ourselves doing them anyway with food or substances or whatever. So we're doing the same actions there that this parent is doing, where we're following through with the boundary. She says, I feel comfortable and confident following through on the boundary after I've stated it. So that's good. But the language feels threatening. So we can do that same thing with a kind, respectful, polite attitude and have it be genuine.

14:38when we see that we have more power that way, actually. You know, my podcast is called Unruffled. We can feel powerful in a way that we can settle into comfortably like that, that we don't have to point our finger and say things in a way that doesn't really make us feel that good. And here's another one. She said, if you keep climbing on me, then I'm going to move my body elsewhere. Oh, I don't want you to climb on me like that. What's going on? You can't stop? okay, I guess I got to move away, huh? These are personal experiences between us. And that's what boundaries are. They're me letting you know what I'm comfortable with, what I want, and what I don't want.

15:19And asking you to please help me out. And if you can't, I'm gonna have to do it for you. I'm gonna have to help you to stop doing those things by moving away, by moving your toy away, by stopping the meal when it's just not working. That's me caring for you and loving you. At the start of the year, I've always tended to rethink my finances. Paying down debt, building an emergency fund, planning for big milestones like my kids' education, or even buying a home. The problem was in the past, I was mostly just tracking what I'd already spent. Not very helpful. Monarch gives me the tools I need to be proactive and actually plan ahead.

16:04Why not set yourself up for financial success this year? Monarch is the all-in-one personal finance tool designed to make your life easier. It brings your entire financial life, budgeting, accounts and investments, net worth and future planning together in one dashboard on your phone or laptop. Feel aware and in control of your finances this year and get 50 % off your Monarch subscription with code UNRUFFLED. So it's not just about tracking expenses. I can do that with bank statements and credit card bills, right? Monarch helps me focus on the future with a complete picture of my financial situation and what I need to do to hit my goals.

16:41Set yourself up for financial success in 2026 with Monarch, the all-in-one tool that makes proactive money management simple all year long. Use code UNRUFFLED at monarch.com for half off your first year. That's 50 % off your first year at monarch.com with code UNRUFFLED.

17:02Every child learns to read eventually, but the path there isn't the same for every child. For some kids, it just clicks. For others, it can be a daily struggle. A lot of parents watch that struggle and they worry. Are they falling behind? Is this dyslexia? Here's the good news. There's a way forward. The Reading Guru provides live one-on-one online tutoring with Orton-Gillingham certified teachers. Reading Guru tutors are master literacy specialists trained in Orton-Gillingham, the research-backed gold standard for helping children with dyslexia and other reading challenges. Every lesson is tailored to your child's specific strengths, struggles, and even their interests.

17:41They don't rush the process, they don't move on until it truly clicks. That kind of individualized attention can change the whole trajectory. and it's exactly the kind of support families deserve. Whether your child has been frustrated for years or you're just beginning to notice the signs, with the right support, reading can finally start to make sense. Visit readingguru.com to sign up for a free consultation because every child deserves to crack the reading code. readingguru.com

18:12Because I personally tend towards people-pleasing and boundaries are not that easy for me for that reason, because I don't want to disappoint anybody or them to be mad at me. I used to feel very much that way. Now I've seen how kids love those boundaries, even though they're going to seem to react negatively. But I've seen how loving it is, how much more loving it is than me resenting my child or having to say it again and again and again and getting madder. And just, you know, you start to dislike your kids. There's no way around it and definitely dislike your job. And none of that is what our kids want.

18:48None of that is what we want to be. So I've seen it as so much more loving to set boundaries. And one of my little, I guess this is more like a little secret, although I probably shared it here. I know I share it in my No Bad Kids Master Course. It gives me this extra boost of confidence that I need to do this thing that I just started trying myself, where as I'm saying, could you please give me that car that it seems like you're getting stuck throwing it. As I say that, with my politeness and my kindness, I'm imagining my child giving me the car, or putting down the food that they were throwing, or stopping needing to climb on me.

19:32And then I'm like, thank you. It's like when you kind of follow through with the, you know, the tennis racket or the golf club as you're swinging. It's like a feeling of like following through that I see that it's going to work. I see it happening. And that comes through in my tone, in my delivery, in my confidence. And very weirdly, that works. So try it. It's my little secret. I want to hear if anybody does try it. And I want to hear how that works because it's worked for me almost every time, especially with little, little kids, with toddlers. We have a rule, you know, no toys at the table.

20:14And I'll say, oh, could you please put that toy down while you're eating? And then when you're done, you can pick it back up again. And I imagine them putting it down as I'm saying this, and they do it. Honestly, I can't think of a time that it hasn't worked for me, but I don't know if I should put that out there because maybe I'm giving unrealistic expectations, but try it and try the polite language and try setting a boundary like you would with your friend. And then also using the positive, right? That gives you confidence instead of don't touch me like that. Don't climb on me. Here, put your arm around me like this, my love.

20:52I love that. Thank you. And you're taking their arm and you're putting it around you. So you could do that with a friend, right? Oh, I like it when you put your arm around my shoulders. Thank you. That feels good. I guess we don't set that many boundaries with friends, so maybe that's not a good comparison, but we can still talk to our kids with that kindness and respect. And then we'll get on a track that takes us all the way through into our child's adulthood. We can get on this track and we can stay on it and not try to find new strategies or techniques to get our child to do things. We're free of all of that.

21:31And the more we practice this, just like the way this creeped up on this parent, this way of speaking with the if-then language, this sneaks up on you. You practice it and it becomes a part of you. And then you can't imagine talking to your child or any child another way. It feels foreign to you. It feels stiff and stilted and unnatural and not like you, not the way that you like to be. So maybe just try it if you're not convinced and see how it goes. But commit to it. Be it. Don't come in with resentment and don't repeat yourself. I have other podcasts on that. If your child's throwing that car the first time or doing something that you know they know isn't okay, then let them know.

22:21Give them that chance with the statement, please don't do that, honey. But then be ready to stop them. Don't fall into asking again and again, because it's really impossible to be polite if you're repeating yourself. You just got to go for it and move the thing for them. And that's how you can stay in that same respectful attitude. So give it a try. And I just also want to add, I got this other really interesting email. I'd be deeply interested in a Kohl's Notes style podcast episode that we as parents could provide as a reference for those individuals in our children's lives that aren't likely to do any kind of deep dive into your parenting style.

23:04We found it so immensely helpful, and we try to pass along our framework guided by your insights, but sometimes we sound like a broken record or might not articulate your points as well as you can. If there was something we could send where it was like, if you don't listen to anything else we say, then just use this episode that guides you to understanding our foundation and invites you to shift some of your ways. So I had to look up what a Kohl's note was, but it's, you know, the summaries, it's this concise list of just do this, this and this. And I'm going to admit, I'm really bad at those.

23:38Apparently, I struggle to share everything I want to share in this short, simple way on a topic that's so big and important to me. I get overwhelmed with all that I want to share. You could say that I'm passionate about this work. I must be because I've been doing this podcast for 11 years now. But I'm thinking, I wonder if this episode might be just the thing. Because I feel like, well, again, it seems like the small thing, the way that she's talking to her children, it really is everything. This idea of treating our kids with the same respect as we would any other person. treating all kids with that respect, believing in them, also understanding their vulnerabilities and their lack of self-regulation and that they're going to need a lot more help and us to be their leaders.

24:27But they really do respond well to loving kindness like everyone. And when we realize that, when we practice that, we don't need anything else. So I really hope some of this helps. And I also recommended the second parent who wrote to me and anyone else. My book, No Bad Kids, is quite a short, easy read, and it's been popular on audiobooks. So that's another option where you can really get a whole flavor of this approach in a relatively short time. I want to thank both of these parents for reaching out to me. Oh, and I just wanted to follow up because I realized after last week's podcast that she was talking about the language that her child is bringing home.

25:11And I really should have added that children will ultimately, if this parent kind of treats it the way that I suggested, where she's just more curious, not intimidated, not closing off, but really wondering more what that's about for her, children will naturally revert back to the kind of language that we model at home. So if we can be more curious and not make a big deal about the things that kids bring home, we don't have to worry that those things are going to stick instead of all the work that we've done to speak to our children a certain way. Ultimately, if we keep our relationship at the forefront of everything as the most important thing, they'll experiment with everything and pass through all these other stages.

25:57But ultimately, our children will emulate us because our relationship is very, very powerful, or it can be when it's positive and honest and respectful. We can do this. This podcast is supported by Midi Health. Are you in midlife feeling dismissed, unheard, or just plain tired of the old healthcare system? You're not alone. In fact, even today, 75 % of women seeking care for menopause and perimenopause issues are left entirely untreated. But it's time for a change. It's time for MIDI. MIDI's not just a healthcare provider. It's a women's telehealth clinic founded and supported by world-class leaders in women's health.

26:44Their clinicians provide one-on-one, face-to-face consultations where they truly listen to your unique needs. They offer a full range of holistic, data-driven solutions that isn't one-size-fits-all care. This is care uniquely tailored for you. At Midi, you will find that their mission is clear, to help all women thrive in midlife, giving them access to the health care they deserve. Because they believe midlife isn't the middle at all. It is the beginning of your second act. Ready to feel your best and write your second act script? Visit JoinMidi.com today to book your personalized, insurance-covered virtual visit.