Helping Your Child Overcome Anxieties, Fears, and Rocky Transitions

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1:10Hi, this is Janet Lansbury. Welcome to Unruffled. Today I'm going to be responding to a couple of parents. They both wrote to me about their children. Both happen to be in a school transition and seem to be having feelings around that. But that's not really what this is about. This is about, in one case, the anxiousness that a child feels about disturbing things that they've been exposed to or that have happened to them. And this parent is wondering if this is normal, if it's okay for their child to be feeling like this, and what they can do to help him feel more safe and less worried. The second one that I'm going to tie into this came to me, I believe it was an Instagram message.

1:57And this child is also in a transition, a kindergarten transition. But they're showing their feelings about it a different way. This child is being very disruptive at bedtime, being aggressive, even violent. And the parent gave me a rundown when I asked her about the things that she's doing right now. So I want to comment on that and help this parent see what I strongly believe could be missing. Although these children's anxieties are quite specific, I hope these suggestions will apply to any situation or anxiety that your child might be going through. Okay, so first. Hi, Janet. I'm reaching out because I'm concerned about my four-year-old son.

2:42Recently, he's been showing a lot of anxiety around vomiting. He frequently asks if he's going to puke or if I am. This started the day before his first day of preschool. He has only vomited a couple of times, but he remembers the moments well. He can tell you where he was each time he did it. It seems to be on his mind often, and I want to make sure I'm supporting him in the right way. I try to reassure him, but I'm not sure if I'm making it better or worse. The other thing that he suddenly started questioning is if he will always be himself. I believe this stems from seeing certain movies like Hulk, where a person transforms into another person or monster.

3:25Another example is zombies. He knows about them due to older kids at daycare. Is this type of anxiety common for children his age? And what strategies would you recommend for helping him feel safe and less focused on this worry? Thank you so much for your guidance. First, I want to reassure this parent, yes, it's totally normal. These are disturbing things. And the fact that he's also in this nerve-wracking transition of starting a new school that can compound these feelings. If he wasn't in a transition, this would still make sense. And the solutions I'd like to offer, or I guess you could call them strategies, I don't really think of them that way, but it's more an attitude towards and help with.

4:13The solutions I'm offering to this parent and to the other parent, actually, although that family situation looks a bit different, the solution is centered around three ideas, three strategies, if you will, or ways of helping our child feel better in any situation. Really, my podcasts almost all end up being about this in some way, because it is such a big solution. And it is also extremely challenging for us as parents. This first one, feel it to heal it. I'm not sure if that was Dan Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson who came up with that. It might be someone else. If you know who it is, please write to me and tell me.

4:56I love that expression. Feel it to heal it. Our child needs to be able to feel the feelings they're having around the stuff they're anxious about. In this case, this movie the child was exposed to, the situation around preschool that's compounding everything because it is a big stretch for children to make these transitions. And the second thing is not only do we want our child to feel that, we want them to be able to share it with us somehow because that's what children need. So they need to feel it to heal it, share it with your trusted loved ones to heal it, and the third one, explore it to heal it.

5:38And all together, what this is, is processing the feelings, processing their feelings in a given situation. Now, the wonderful thing about children that makes this so clear and simple in a way is that they show us how to do this. They show us how they need to process it, how they need to feel it, share it, and explore it. So we don't have to figure out meditations or drawing or painting or stomping or writing or some other kind of therapeutic method to help our child process their feelings. Not that there's anything wrong with those methods, but they're not necessary. And they can tend to complicate the issue for us.

6:28And sometimes they unwittingly give the impression to our child like this is really a bigger issue than it actually is. Because we're focusing energy on trying to fix it instead of normalizing it. Yeah, throwing up feels awful. It's a very out of control, violent thing that happens to our bodies. There's a lot of reasons for that to give us pause, right? And seeing something in a movie where a person changes into a monster and gosh, I remember our kids saw, it was like this old, I think it was black and white movie. And we thought, oh, this will be harmless because our kids were sensitive. We didn't really show them any movies when they were very little.

7:17And we were very, very careful after that as to what they saw. what we expose them to. So I think it was The Nutty Professor, some really old classic kind of clunky old movie, not with all the special effects that the newer ones have that are really scary for kids, but this seemingly harmless one. And they were terrified because the guy drinks some potion and he changes. And there's another one, The Shaggy Dog, right? Where this guy takes something that makes him grow fur and he turns into a shaggy dog. I mean, the kids were terrified. At the time, I had just the two daughters that saw that. And I mean, they could not stop talking about it.

8:01They had nightmares. It was a big fail for my husband and I. Both of those shows were giant fails that we just didn't see coming. We didn't think it was going to be like that. But our kids were doing what you're supposed to do. And that's talking about it, sharing about it, being freaked out about it. If we said, oh, that's just a movie. It's okay. You don't have to. I mean, we probably did say some of that. I don't know. But at some point, you just have to let your kid be. Yeah, that's gosh, that is kind of terrifying, isn't it? When someone's suddenly growing fur. Yeah. And then letting them bring that up as much in every way as they need to, not letting ourselves get intimidated or anxious ourselves about that.

8:48Oh no, I've made such a terrible mistake or, you know, I feel guilty. Not letting that get in the way and seep in because they're doing a great thing. They're processing it in their own way and they're showing us the way. We don't have to devise methods with anything kids are processing. They're so good at this. They could teach us how to do it in a healthy manner. But the hard part, the very challenging part is letting them and not wanting to push back, fix it, do something to make it better. Because so many of our instincts as parents are about, uh-oh, they feel not good. We got to fix that.

9:27It gets in our way. Sharing those feelings is the best thing they can do. So we want to normalize their process. We want to try to accept it and respect it. and appreciate the way they're needing to do this. All we need to do is trust their process. And I realize that could be hard, but they really do have this. And they will bring up the situation as many times as they need to. We can trust that. And the more we can trust, again, the less likely we'll be to bring our own anxiety into this, which always naturally intensifies our child's, right? It's an intuitive thing. My child is anxious. That's making me anxious.

10:06I've got to make this better. reminding ourselves, putting it on the back of our hand, writing it somewhere, feel it to heal it. Share it with your trusted parents to heal it. Explore it to heal it. It's the healthiest possible thing children can do. As I said, even isolated from this child starting preschool, those are totally normal things to feel that our child needs to bring up. They need to talk about, They need to talk about how scary it is. They need to cry about it, maybe. Whatever they're showing us they need to do, that's what we want to trust. But then when there's any transitional situation going on, that puts our child in an even more vulnerable position.

10:51It's almost like it gets channeled into these specifics, like the fear about that my body is going to change too into something that I won't be able to control or that I'm going to throw up. all things that we don't control because we don't feel in control of this transition. So it all goes together. It compounds it. It's that feeling that we're just very ungrounded. We've lost our footing as we're trying to step from a situation that we know into a new situation. It's not ever going to be easy for a child or me as an adult. It is challenging in itself. So, yes, this is a time children are vulnerable to getting fears like this child is getting, to acting out through lashing out behaviors.

11:43It's all about fear and anxiousness. And I believe a lot of it due to these transitions that both these children are in. We feel out of control. So let's look at how to help this parent. And then I'm going to read the exchange from the other parent. So when he frequently asks if he's going to puke, or if the parent is, this started the day before his first day of preschool, then I would answer those questions honestly, not in an objective way so much, but in a reflective way as to what he's feeling. A validating way, I guess you would say. So he's saying, am I going to puke? I don't think so. That's a pretty awful feeling, isn't it?

12:28when you feel like you're going to puke, it's so uncomfortable, right? How do you feel? And then maybe hearing what he has to say about it. But as much as he wants to ask if we're going to puke, I would answer. I don't feel like I'm going to puke right now. I really only do it when I'm sick or I've eaten something bad. It doesn't just happen out of the blue to me. And we can come back with reasonable things. Like it probably won't unless you're sick or you eat too fast or you eat something that's not healthy or eat too much of something, but I'm not going to let you do that. So it's not like we never want to say comforting things.

13:09That part is our natural instinct, but we want to focus more on the part that we're not going to be thinking of in the moment. That's not going to be our intuition, which is, oh, you don't like that feeling. You keep wondering if it's just going to come at you and just happen. That's disconcerting, right? Not being afraid to go there. He's giving us all the signs of where to go. All we have to do is reflect and open it up for him so that he can feel it, share it, explore it as much as he needs to and in his way. So we don't have to read to him a whole dictionary description of throwing up or anything like that.

13:50We don't have to try to get him to draw it or do any of those things. Just meet him where he is. It's so much easier. And it's the safest way for us to do what this parent wants to do, which is to help him feel safe and less focused on this worry. So we can't just make him focus less on it. Unfortunately, we can't do it that kind of direct way that we always want to do. Like, don't worry about that. It's not going to happen. Pushing back on it. Instead, focusing on it when he's focusing on it, not being afraid to go there with him is what allows him to pass through it because that's his process.

14:32It's wonderful. So healing. And it can happen quickly, but we have to lean in to that place that's kind of uncomfortable for us and try to turn that around to seeing how positive it is and how we kind of are therapists here for a child, letting them go there so they can process this through their system. So when he talks about the Hulk thing, I would explore that with him or help him explore that. Where did you hear that? What did it look like? What did they say about it? Ah, you know, that's something that doesn't happen in real life that I know of, but you're worried it's going to happen to you because you've heard about this.

15:15And that's the other thing about kids when they hear it one time and it disturbs them, they think it could just happen anywhere, anytime because they don't have so many frames of reference for life of how commonly this happens. I think I've said on this podcast before that when I was in kindergarten, I think it was, they showed us a cartoon of what to do if there's a fire in your house. And it was this little boy, tiny boy. He looked about like three years old or two years old in the cartoon. He was in his bed and he saw smoke coming out from under the bottom of the door. And in this movie, they said, okay, he smells the smoke.

16:01He sees the smoke. So he crawls along the floor to try to get to the door, meaning you want to be under the smoke so you're not breathing in the smoke because the smoke's going to rise or something like that. And I can't remember if they said to open the door. Oh, I think they said to feel the door if it's hot or something like that. But anyway, it was supposed to be this helpful video. I was absolutely terrified. I could not sleep for weeks because I was so worried that every single night, there could be a fire. So I share that story to illustrate that children, when they hear of it happening once, it could happen anywhere, anytime.

16:43So yeah, that's something we'll want to give him feedback about that really never happens in real life, but it does happen in movies. And you didn't like seeing that or that worried you that maybe you could change too. And as humans, we develop, but very, very slowly. And you'll never see yourself changing like that. You'll never see yourself changing into a Hulk. I'm not making light of this because it feels very serious to these kids. And they need a way to land that with us safely where we're not going to say, oh, no, no, no, don't feel like that. It's fine. You're imagining it. Or it's never going to happen.

17:20Don't worry about it. They are worried about it. So we want to try to never tell children not to feel what they're feeling. And yet we're going to do that a lot as parents. That's just what we do. Because we don't want them to feel those things. It's very well-intentioned. It just doesn't help. So that's how I would respond. And then I would also, maybe if he doesn't ever bring it up, I would bring up, it's a big deal going to preschool. You were used to the child care center. And now here you are with all these new kids. So not being afraid to go there too. It's scary for us as parents because it always feels like if we talk about those negative things, we're going to put focus on them.

18:03But our child is showing us they're already focusing on them and they need to do it all the way. Take it as far as they need it to go before they can let go of it. That's the process. So again, try to trust the process.

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20:03Here's the note that I received from this other parent. My five-year-old son, he started kindergarten two weeks ago and often has trouble with transitions and change, so I expected some challenges, but my husband and I are at a loss with how to respond to and manage his now daily aggressive violent behaviors, particularly at bedtime. Fortunately, he's doing great at school, and these behaviors are only happening with us and other family members and mostly at home. We've moved up bedtime earlier, and he's fine through the bedtime process until the minute we're about to kiss him goodnight. I'm sure this is related to transition and separation, but his kicking, punching, pinching, biting can go on for hours, delaying bedtime, and it can be very difficult to manage ourselves through that process.

20:51We found the need to physically and lovingly restrain him. If left alone, he will destroy things in his room. What can we do to avoid or shorten these episodes? Thank you. And I wrote back, can you describe how you approach these transitions and how you respond when he resists? and perhaps other times during the day when he's not behaving well? That would help me to understand what might be going on. The parent wrote, thanks so much for responding. For big transitions, we talk about them a lot leading up to the change, read books about kindergarten, visit the school, etc. For bedtime, we follow our regular process and have moved the whole process up about an hour so we're not rushed and because he's so tired from school and no more weekday naps.

21:36We don't talk about the bad behavior we're trying to avoid before bedtime because we don't want to plant the idea. Instead, we keep it really calm and positive. Generally, we give many reminders before something happens. Tomorrow is a bath night. After dinner, we'll shift to reading in nighttime. After books, we'll brush your teeth, etc. He often resists bath time, and so, as mentioned, we give several heads up leading to and before the time. We try to make bath time fun, give him the option of a shower or bath, but we often still get resistance. We only push for baths around two to three times per week, as it is because it is hard.

22:15At bedtime when he's aggressive, we say, We're not doing that tonight, channeling your calm voice. And I won't let you hit me, or dada, etc. I see you're having trouble controlling your body, so we'll help you, so we're all safe. He typically laughs through it all and continues. He likes his glitter calm bottle and suggested we use it in this scenario, but it only helps for a few minutes. Generally, when trying to get him to do something, eat dinner, get out the door, we have to be gentle about it because he reacts more strongly to too much pushing. And then she went on to say what an amazing child he is otherwise and all of this stuff, which I totally believe.

22:56Because these are great children. They're just trying to deal with challenging times. and when they're going through it, they show it, which is lovely in a way, right? They're so darn clear. They're falling apart a little, but if we can try to be open to letting them process their feelings, they pass through that safety. They feel with us when they're sharing even the yuckiest, most unpleasant or worrisome for us stuff that helps them to heal. But that's not what I wrote to this parent. This is what I wrote back. I wish I could respond to all of this. Unfortunately, I can't at this time, but I'd like to offer you a direction that you may be missing here.

23:38At least I'm not seeing it in your thoughtful response. Everything you're describing sounds great. I'd only add, it's kind of big actually, that he needs a way to process the actual feelings he's having. He needs to process this by venting somehow. Kids will naturally try to do this for themselves, but with our loving intentions, we tend to put up blocks to them doing this. Maybe there's one of these ways he's resisting and being unruly that you could accept and allow space for, even understand and welcome if possible. It's not going to look like him sitting in a therapist chair, unfortunately, but a lot messier than that.

24:19You've probably heard the saying, feel it to heal it. But kids need to feel safe with us letting them feel it somehow as it's coming up. This parent may have written me back again, but I haven't had a chance to check yet. So firstly, I would notice other moments during the day because the very end of the day is the hardest time for us to accept feelings. And if our child isn't getting a chance to process these intense feelings he's having, if he isn't getting a chance to process those, they get stored up to the very end of the day. And then the child naturally wants to vent them before they can go to sleep.

25:01That's actually healthy, but it's not great for us or for them. And I totally feel this parent saying it could be very difficult to manage ourselves through that process. Yeah, because we're exhausted. It's the end of the day. and what is going on here? This is just so out of control, right? This parent said that her son does have difficulty with transitions change. So this child has an ultra sensitivity to it, maybe has a harder time than the average child with adjusting. And this is a very common way that children adjust. They just want to scream and yell and hit and flail and go wild about it, right?

25:44Get it out of my body. This is so uncomfortable. Maybe we can relate to that somehow. It's not my MO to be like that. I don't think it ever was, but I can feel that. I can imagine it. And I can imagine it actually feeling really good to be able to just be a terror when I'm feeling scared or worried or just stressed out to the max. So I would be on the lookout out for some signs of this coming earlier. And I think I would even share because this parent did all the things, preparing all of that stuff. But like I said, I just didn't see there was any room for him to share the actual feelings. This parent said, generally, when we're trying to get him to do something, eat dinner, get out the door, we have to be gentle about it because he reacts more strongly to too much pushing.

26:35So it feels like the parents are being just very careful instead of, okay, we're going. And maybe it's in the morning getting out the door or picking him up where instead of being so careful and gentle, we're calm but confident. Now it's time to go. We're going to go, buddy. You can yell. You can scream. You can do all that stuff. More room for him to share that somehow. I know it's not easy. It's the hardest thing. But this is the solution. I can almost promise this parent that if she can allow him to feel it, to heal it, share it with them safely to heal it. And safely doesn't mean that we're tiptoeing around, not wanting the bomb to go off.

27:22It's, you know what, you need to drop a bomb, drop a bomb. And we usually find that when there's more room for that, whenever it comes up for him, that it doesn't build up into these really dramatic things that he's doing at bedtime. But for now, maybe he still will be doing that. Or maybe the parents will, it will take them a while to really start allowing for more venting throughout the day and being less cautious around him and less trying to avoid it. What's happening? We're getting it at the end of the day when we don't want it. So it's better to face the music, which I know doesn't sound like music, and let him go, want him to go and know that you can handle it.