How Forcing Kids to Do Stuff Backfires (And What to Do Instead)

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1:53Hi, this is Janet Lansbury. Welcome to Unruffled. Today I'm going to be talking about understanding where we have the power to set firm boundaries with our child and where we really don't. And if we try to assert power there, we'll find that it backfires on us. specifically I thought of this because I got a note from a parent who's finding that he and his partner are needing to restrain their child to get them to brush their teeth so I wanted to speak to that question and I'll share what I shared with this parent online but also how this applies to other things that we might want to try to control in our child or think we can set a boundary there, what that actually does is gets in our way and makes it harder for us to, if we want to say, quote, get our child to do that particular thing.

2:52So getting really general on this, mostly the things that we have power to set firm boundaries on are about things that our child is doing that we want them to stop doing, like hitting us or their sibling or their friend, or doing other physical things like that, getting into our stuff, using objects in ways that aren't safe or we don't want them to, that don't seem appropriate. So we can stop our child easily. Well, maybe it doesn't seem that easy, but we can stop our child in those instances, especially if we do it in the way that I recommend, which is thinking of ourselves as helpers, helping our child get out of that space if it really comes to that, or at least blocking the behavior.

3:39Those kind of things we can have boundaries around, right? Also things that we're willing to do or not do. Like, do we want to go to the park that day? Maybe we don't. We can and should, I believe, assert our boundaries in those instances because caring for ourselves is such an important part of our relationship with children. But there are things that they're doing that we don't have the power to stop. The words that come out of their mouth, the way that they express their feelings, even if that means they're screaming and crying or having a tantrum, let's say they're screaming and it seems really deliberate.

4:16It's going to be hard for us to stop our child from screaming. But what we can do, and again, I believe should do, is move away so they're not screaming in our ear. And definitely, we're not going to want to run and go get them the thing that they're screaming about or try to fix it, we're really going to ideally allow that venting to happen in a way that we are protected. I mean, we don't want to run and hide and give that image to our child of this being such a big, powerful thing they're doing and that we're afraid of it or we really can't handle it. So ideally, we want to try as much as possible to do the smallest thing to care for ourselves so that we're not giving more power to the behavior.

4:59But there are all these behaviors that we want children to do, right? That when we try to force them, like I said, it backfires. And those are activities that are essentially voluntary and need to be. For them to want to do these, they need to feel ownership of them. And those are things like cooperative activities, helping around the house, chores, cleaning up after themselves, eating certain foods that we've offered. So we have the boundary to offer only the things and have things in our household that we are okay with our child eating, but we don't want to try to force them to eat certain things or even coax them to eat certain things or even incentivize them to do certain things.

5:47And I'll talk about that too in this episode, because incentives around these certain behaviors that our child needs to own can end up backfiring as well. Now, I'm also going to share in this podcast what to do instead. So I'm not just going to leave you with a bunch of don'ts. I'm going to give some guidelines to help you achieve your goals and having your child want to do these things, which is the only way that's really going to work, even in the short term. I mean, definitely in the long term, but even in the short term, to have a child that's cooperative without us nagging, which is to me the only way that it works.

6:25I don't want to be a nag. It's tiring to me. It makes me lose my temper. So I'm not willing to be in that position. So to have a child that will want to do these things voluntarily with maybe a little reminder, there's a tone that we'll want to try to set around them. It's really like everything in parenting. It comes down to the relationship, especially with these voluntary and cooperative activities. Our child has to feel a positive connection with us around doing these. So anyway, this is a lot of general information. So let me share this note that I received, and then I'll be able to get into the specifics.

7:03Hi, Janet, love listening to your podcast and your book, No Bad Kids has been a great help. So I'm hoping you might be able to help with this. My nearly three-year-old has been refusing toothbrushing to the point where we've had to physically restrain her twice in 24 hours, once with both parents holding her down. It was distressing for everyone, certainly didn't feel respectful, and I can feel it affecting our relationship. We've tried everything I can think of. Choices about location, brushing in front of the mirror, letting her brush her own teeth first. We've tried to hold the boundary as much as possible.

7:38We try to explain the importance of it too, which she is generally receptive to in other aspects, none of it is touching the resistance when she's in full refusal mode, tired in the evening typically. I know teeth are a non-negotiable health need, and part of me thinks a calm, confident leader just gets it done. But getting it done currently means two adults restraining a screaming, fighting child. That can't be right. The other option feels like allowing her to skip it, talking to her about it, and ensuring we will do it in the morning when better regulated, but it does happen first thing in the morning and the last thing at night when we're time pressured.

8:17Coming back to it later doesn't really work either, as we either need to leave the house or go to bed as she's so exhausted. Is physical restraint ever consistent with Rye for a necessary care task? Or is there something I'm missing? P.S. We've tried hard to remain unruffled and put on our superhero suits. All right, so I love how this parent is understanding the importance of the relationship and really feeling the discomfort in having to force this and also wanting to put on superhero suits, which I recommend. But again, that attitude of I'm going to make this happen will tend to backfire when it's these activities that are essentially voluntary.

9:04Toothbrushing is a self-care activity. It's a cooperative thing. we need you to do this, so we want you to go along with us. That's only going to work as a status feeling when it's voluntary. So first, here's what I wrote back. While there may be instances where we might restrict a child physically, I don't recommend doing that around toothbrushing, as this is essentially a voluntary activity. I know that means it's harder to control getting it done, but this is self-care that we want to try to instill in a positive way, the way you would instill cleaning up toys, etc., and other cooperative activities.

9:42So at this point, I recommend completely backing off and letting her know, hey, we don't like how this has been going, so please know we're not going to force you to brush your teeth again. Then I would consider doing it right after dinner or much earlier in the evening, before something in her routine that she likes doing, like playing, reading, bathing, whatever that is. and then let her do it even really quickly or just even rinsing her mouth. Do it with her, brushing your teeth or even letting her brush yours. Accept less in terms of a result because this is a longer term project, not something we need to be exacting on.

10:22Keep thinking of the big picture and letting go of the result for now. So it's give this your best shot, my love. And then we'll do whatever this activity together. Let it go for the win. So yeah, I can hear some of you saying, well, how can I let it go? And my dentist has told me this is so crucial and so important. Now, there are things, of course, that are crucial, that are life or death. Maybe they need some kind of medical procedure or for us to give them medicine. But brushing teeth, I mean, this is interesting to me, and I know I'm going to get a lot of complaints about this already. I feel it.

10:59But people that specialize in certain things like dentists, they're very singularly focused. Just get those teeth brushed every day. These professionals, they will kind of drill down into just get this done. Another example is sometimes a pediatrician will get very focused on, is your child doing this yet? Are they sitting up this checklist of things? and that's their singular focus rather than what are they doing? How fluid are their movements? Are they comfortable in their skin? How's their balance? How's their agility? Those much more important things that are going to help our child lifelong.

11:41So we have to be on that as parents. That's one of our duties is to see the bigger picture, the relationship that we have. I love how this parent noticed, I can feel it affecting our relationship, right? That matters to him. He knows how important that is. I mean, that's why we had kids, right? To have a relationship with someone for life, this new person in the world. So yes, that's a wonderful instinct to be looking out for the relationship. And that is far more important than whether our child goes to bed with clean teeth. Now, we do want our children to have clean teeth, of course, but there's a way to go about it where we can have both, as long as we're willing to let go of perfection and that complete control over the result.

12:29And that can be maddening for us as parents, I realize, some personalities more than others, but that's the trade-off. The wonderful thing about relationships, though, is that they are always redeemable, repairable with our children. Maybe not so much adult to adult sometimes, but with our children, they are absolutely repairable. So if we don't like a direction we're going, I love copping to it because that makes me feel just clean. And I feel good about my integrity in that with my child. And I think that they appreciate that too. Plus it's something I want to teach is that openness and honesty.

13:10So that's why I suggested these parents say something like, hey, you know, we've been doing this and it doesn't feel good. So we're going to stop. That might take a few days of just sort of letting it go. But I would consider, like I said to this parent, that there's a better time of day when everybody isn't exhausted. And that we put this into the routine in front of something that's a positive thing that our child likes to do. Now, I still don't recommend doing this as an incentive. Well, if you don't do this, we're not going to do that thing. But making it more, this is the order of things.

13:49This is just how we do it. And like I said, I would maybe join my child brushing teeth. I would allow them to give it their best try and, you know, maybe be excited if they do more, you know, not in a manipulative way. None of this is manipulative, but just like, hey, you did it. And I know this is not your favorite thing. Good on you. It gets easier. Or is there something I can do to make it easier? So, okay, let's just get this done and then we can do that. And then maybe if she doesn't do it, if she completely refuses, you can say, you know what? All right, we're going to have less time for that.

14:26Or maybe we won't do that. But not making it like, well, then we're not doing that. Not getting that tone, not making it into a challenge. and you know I'm talking about tooth brushing here but all of this holds true for so many activities that are cooperative activities we really want our child to do something whether it's letting us comb their hair or wash their hair or some children really resist bath time we can find ways to do that where we'll just do the washcloth on you today if you really don't want to do that come on do you want to hold it okay just put it under your arms or just like find those spots.

15:01When we do this, then we'll get your clothes on and we'll read or whatever that is. So we're not using it as a consequence, but it is the order of things. So finding a time when our child is not tired, that's important for cleaning up or doing anything voluntary. Modeling it, that will help. And we're saying, you know what, this is not that fun, but I'm going to do it. And you know what? It feels so good to me after. Always with that honesty, that authenticity that our kids feel. They know the difference. Now you'll hear people say to make a game out of it and all that. Sure, we can do that. But again, I'm talking about not something that's just a way to get our child to do something in the short term, but really considering for both of us the bigger picture?

15:53Do we want to be making up games every night? Does our child need a distraction to be able to do this of a game or something? Or can we hold their hand figuratively and walk through this? That's the one that's going to last us throughout the years and really build our relationship. We're not trying to pull the wool over their eyes. We are being open, honest ourselves. We've let go of this being a big deal. I mean, I know that's not a small thing. So I don't want to just assume that that's easy for people. This can be really, really hard, right? It's about priorities and knowing how we're going to get what we want, which isn't demanding it in the moment a lot of the time.

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19:17So this dad already said that they were flexible as to you can do it in front of the mirror, do a different time. But I think maybe the daughter felt all along that, all right, they're giving me choices, but they're on a train and they're just trying to get me on this train. And I'm not sure I want to get on the train. That's an attitude that children pick up from us, no matter what we say, no matter if we're playing games even, or we're giving them all kinds of choices. It's like, you want to do this? You want to do that? But underneath it all is, I really want you to do this. And I really need you to do this.

19:47And if you don't, I'm going to have to resort to holding you and forcing you to do it. And that, like this dad said, didn't feel good to anyone. It didn't feel good to him. or his partner or the child. We don't need to do that. I mean, another sort of natural consequence that one might have is, and again, it's about the way that we present it, that we're not presenting it as a threat or a bribe. But just, I know you want that sweet dessert after your food, but that means we really do have to brush your teeth. And last night, you really had a hard time. So I don't think we should do the sugar because that's just going to stay on your teeth and not be good for your teeth.

20:28So there's a way of doing that that's very relationship-centered, that will feel good to you as a parent. And it's the truth, right? So there isn't one right way to make this work, but here are some guidelines that really help. And they do require, like so much of this approach, a bit of a leap of faith that it's really okay to let go and trust that our child will do these things or do them enough. Okay, so here's the guidelines. Being cool and casual, unruffled, which can only happen when we've let go. When we've decided in our head, you know what, our child isn't going to do that this time. There are some children that are more sensitive than others to that urgent tone that we have or that bit of stress that's coming through from us.

21:18And no matter what we do or how much they love us, they need to push back on that. Some children are like that. But being calm and casual about things. Oh, you did it. Thank you. Having a positive, honest connection. So a positive, honest connection comes when I'm saying, you really don't want to do this stuff. Ah, what could we do? All right, if you can't do it today, that's okay. So that's everything I'm talking about. Just putting it forward, being real, you know, throwing our hands up. Your dentist really wants you to do this. What can we do, my love? You really can't do it today? Okay, we'll try again tomorrow.

21:58That empathy, that staying on our child's side, it pays off sometimes very quickly when we've really let go, when we've really been able to go there. Slowing down sometimes helps. And now I'm going to say something that also seems counter to that, but, oh, can we open those lips? Let me see those teeth. Ah, okay. Here, do you want to hold this? Let's hold it together. All right. Oftentimes, the tendency we have to rush is felt by our child as, you know, again, that urgency that comes through instead of that we don't mind taking time. We're not going to sit there giving a million choices when our child obviously isn't doing that because we can be honest and say, you know what?

22:41All right. Is this really not going to happen at all? Is there anything I can do? All right. and then letting it go. Giving autonomy. This dad did that. It will work even better if we do it from a place where we've let go of that momentary result for the bigger picture. So letting them choose the toothbrush. Maybe they like an electric toothbrush. Maybe they just want to rinse their mouth. We can give them those options. Allowing them to own the experience. Making it a part of the routine again, where this is just what we do. So let's do this so that we can do that. And sometimes we will want to move through it quickly if our child is already upset and they're really having a hard time.

23:27Like let's say that there's something that we are a little bit needing to force, like our child's hair is completely tangled, full of knots. You know, it's not, loving to let our child go on like that. So we spray all the detangler on and we ask our child to sit and we say, do you want to have a book? Ideally, we make this as part of a routine where it's just what we do next every morning if our child has this issue and needs this. And we let them hold the calm. But then let's say we really need to get it done. Okay, I'm just going to do this really quickly. Hold on steady. And I'm going to do just three comb throughs.

24:10Boom, boom, boom. Okay. And then we'll be done. Thank you. I know that wasn't fun for you. Another guideline is modeling or sharing our stories. So again, coming from that honesty, showing them how we do it, not making up a story about, oh, this hurts. And now I feel so much better and not acting, but really saying, you know, I remember when I was a kid and I had all these tangles and I just hated it. And it was like big rat's nest came out of my hair, but then my hair was nice and smooth and it moved nicely and it felt better to like have a clean head. So we can tell honest stories about our own experience or model that, but I wouldn't do the pretending thing where we're pretending that we're frustrated and getting through it or think because kids see right through that.

25:01They really do. They're not going to tell you and call you on it, but it feels manipulative to them. And it doesn't feel as great to us that we have to come up with an acting performance there to get our child to do something. Instead, we can lean into the relationship, acknowledging their feelings, feeling cool and casual about it because nothing's the end. You know, none of it's the end of the world. We're going to save that for the really serious things where we do have to hold our child down. And then we're going to even lean in more to all of this when we do have to do that. Giving autonomy, making it part of the routine, having that positive connection.

25:39Positive doesn't mean that our child is happy in the moment. If it's something that we have to do, if we do have to force something like medicine, it's allowing them to have their feelings and welcoming them. Oh, that was so awful. I know you didn't like that. It tasted bad. had, not shying away from that, not being mad at our child for feeling like that, being willing to join them in how that felt, wanting to know. That is the most positive connection we could ever have. And that's why I always talk about it on this podcast. So I guess these aren't really in a particular order, but I'm just going to say them again.

26:14So modeling, sharing our stories, being cool and casual, unruffled. Three, leaning into that positive, honest connection. Four, considering slowing down, which for ourselves, it's like a relief to slow down. Five, give autonomy. Six, make it a part of the routine, a familiar, predictable routine. It's just what we do. Seven, acknowledge the feelings like crazy and really mean it. Empathize if possible. So that's it. And I do talk about this more in my No Bad Kids Master Course. You're probably tired of hearing me say that, but there's a whole section about the behaviors that we can't easily control or have a boundary on.

27:02What do we do then? So this way isn't a quick shortcut. It's not a instant results. Sometimes it is, surprisingly. when we really go for it, it can be instant results because our child feels we're on their team and that's all they really want. But generally, especially if we've got another direction for a while, it's going to take a while to regroup and for us to turn this around, but it's totally within our power and it will give us everything we want, which is that relationship. And on that note, this dad actually got back to me again after the last exchange that we had. And he said, hey, thank you so much for your reply.