My Toddler Is Scared of Everything

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2:02It's about how as parents or grandparents or anyone caring for children, you can discover a deeper level of fulfillment. You can have more ease, more joy, and more success day to day and in the long term. And at the same time, you'll be building a lifelong bond with your child that's steeped in trust, respect, and mutual delight. And if you pre-order now, I have an exclusive podcast thank you gift just for you. You can check it all out on my website, JanetLansbury.com. Hi, this is Janet Lansbury. Welcome to Unruffled. Well, today I have a note from a parent. This one is about her two and a half year old daughter who seems to be increasingly fearful to the point where it overwhelms her.

2:54And this parent is wondering what to do, how to handle it. It's not easy for her because she's got two other children and she can't just sort of rush to comfort this child and take her away from what's scaring her. So what I would like to talk about is specifically responding to our child's fears. And there's so many good topics that come up in what's going on with this family that will apply to a lot of other situations. one of the main ones is that fear is another kind of feeling, right? We talk a lot on this podcast about feelings that kids have and the challenge to let those feelings have a life, to let them land, to allow children to express them, to even encourage children to express them, all the uncomfortable feelings.

3:45And fear is another kind of feeling. So in that sense, All the other information and advice you've heard me give about feelings applies here too, but this can look different to us as parents and it's concerning this parent a lot, understandably. So let's dive in. Hi, Janet. I'm a longtime fan of your work and I've learned so much from your wry approach to parenting over the years. I'd really love your thoughts on something we've been navigating with our two and a half year old daughter, the youngest of three with two older brothers, eight and almost six. Over the past several months, she's become increasingly anxious and fearful, and the range of things that frighten her seems to be growing.

4:30She's especially scared of loud or unpredictable sounds like the vacuum, dishwasher, birds cawing, or workmen nearby. But she also says she's scared of cars when we cross roads or walk through car parks, and sometimes even, I'm scared of our house. Today she became scared of the bath, telling me there were pebbles in the bath, even though there was nothing there except water and her usual toys. When something frightens her, she can become extremely distressed, crying, and wanting to be picked up or taken away from the situation, and she can be very difficult to settle even once the trigger is gone.

5:10She's always been a sensitive, cautious child, particularly around unfamiliar people and busy environments, but this feels like more than her usual temperament. She's also recently started crying at daycare drop-off and saying, I don't want to go to daycare, which is new and unusual for her after 18 months at the same center. Her educators tell us she settles and is happy throughout the day, and she speaks very fondly of her teachers and her friends. She really is an awesome little person, confident, sassy, assertive, loving, and incredibly chatty. With the people she trusts, she's happy and outgoing, loves to play and joke around with her older brothers, and has absolutely no hesitation letting us know what she wants or how she feels.

5:57Her language and development are excellent, and she's usually very good at communicating with us. But when she's frightened, it's like the feeling completely overwhelms her, and she can't tell us what's wrong beyond saying she's scared. I know that's completely normal at her age, but for a kid who can usually communicate so well, it can make these moments especially difficult to understand and navigate. We're honestly at a bit of a loss about how best to help her. When she's this frightened, of course, we want to comfort her and help her feel safe, but we can't always pick her up or remove the trigger.

6:32She's getting heavier. We have two older children who need us too, and we can't avoid everyday things like running the dishwasher or encountering a loud bird outside, we also wonder whether always making the scary thing go away might unintentionally reinforce the idea that it really is dangerous. How do we give her the comfort and security she clearly needs while helping her learn that she can feel scared and still be safe? What does supporting her through that fear look like when we can't always pick her up, remove her from the situation, or make the frightening thing stop. Thank you so much.

7:08I'd really value your perspective. So I love this parent's question. How do we give her the comfort and security she clearly needs while helping her learn that she can feel scared and still be safe? This is the goal, right? That our child knows that there's going to be uncomfortable feelings like that, that you could have them. Overall, though, you sense that you are safe. So right now, we really want to focus on giving her the confidence and really the validation for her feelings so that she knows there's nothing wrong with having those feelings. But then, like this parent said, that she can handle them.

7:50She can be safe in them. This is a wonderful goal for all of us to have with our children, right? That we're helping them gain this kind of realistic self-confidence. And this parent says, what is supporting her through that fear look like when we can't always pick her up, remove her from the situation, or make the frightening thing stop? So yes, I'm going to speak directly to that. But first, let me just tell you the rest of the exchange that we had. I said, hi, thank you for your longtime support. I would love to try to help you with your issue, which is not at all atypical for your daughter's age, particularly as she has a sensitive temperament.

8:29I can advise as to how to respond to these fears with the information you've given me, but it might help even more for you to consider if there are any other transitions you may be dealing with at this time. Have there been any changes in your family life, your routines, individually and together? Have you noticed any new skill development happening with your daughter these days? Thank you again. And the reason that I asked this wasn't because, because and this is true for any kind of feeling our child's having, we don't need to know the why. Of course, we want to try to be open to and interested in what's causing the feelings.

9:06And if it's something in the environment, you know, maybe there's even things that we can adjust. But so much of what kids feel at these ages, especially and in adolescence, actually, is to do with the rapid development that's happening inside them that keeps them a little off balance, feeling vulnerable. And then at the same time, especially in these very early years with toddlers, their prefrontal cortex, which is the judgment center of our brains, the reasonable part, right, that we can reason with, is very immature and underdeveloped. It's not developed until we're 25 years old. So that's a long time.

9:48But of course, it does develop gradually. So this does get easier for children. But imagine your amygdala is also immature. And that's the part of you that reacts to any kind of threat. It's the emotional center of your brain. And you have that without the balance and the input of the prefrontal cortex that can have that judgment to say, oh, this is going to be all right. So it's very easy to tip into getting overwhelmed by a fear or just something unusual that you see that you don't like. I remember there was a child in one of my classes who was also very expressive, like this little girl, very, very verbally expressive.

10:30I remember one day she brought in the classroom, she brought in like a stalk of some kind. I don't even think it was really a flower. It was just like a plant. And she had it in her hand. And somehow it bent and broke. And she cried, like just some terrible, tragic thing had happened. This was so upsetting for her. I mean, we were there to acknowledge, whoa, you didn't like that that bent. You didn't like that that broke. How interesting, though, that such a small, minor thing to us could be so upsetting. But it makes sense when we consider how off balance they are in their development. And just something even a little unpredictable can throw them off.

11:21It's like they're trying so hard to just stay centered and grounded in their life when there's so much changing inside of them. But that's how it can feel to especially a sensitive child or an imaginative child, it can feel like, oh no, I've lost all control. Something surprising happened. Something loud happened. Something didn't go the way I thought it was going to go, like this stock bending and breaking. And it's tipping off all those feelings of, wow, there's so much going on that I don't control right now. So it's not specifically about a stalk bending or the fears that this parent was mentioning.

12:07It's representative of all of these general feelings that children at this age have and that sensitive children tend to be more reactive to. So I'm sharing all that just to say that the feelings make sense for this age, no matter what else is going on, even if there isn't a big adjustment happening. In this case, I'll tell you what the parents said. She said, thanks so much for getting back to me. I'm really looking forward to hearing your insights and I appreciate your questions. That's exactly what has left us so stumped. We honestly can't think of any significant transitions or changes recently.

12:45The biggest ones were at the start of the year when she moved from the baby's room to the toddler room at child care and her middle brother started primary school. She seemed to settle into both changes well, though, and they feel quite far removed from what's happening now. Her fears have definitely become more prominent this year in general, but we can't identify anything specific in recent months that would explain why they've intensified so much in the last few weeks. In terms of development, her language has really bloomed recently. She's incredibly chatty and is starting to put together long sentences.

13:22She's also beginning to label her feelings, saying things like, I'm feeling sad or I'm angry. Sometimes, though, when we ask what happened, her explanation doesn't quite match what we've observed. For example, she might say, my brother hit me when we were there and know that he didn't. I don't mean that she's lying at all, ha ha ha. More that perhaps she has the language to name the feeling, but not quite enough language or understanding to explain what caused it. And when she becomes really anxious or afraid, she can be so overwhelmed that she struggles to find words at all. I also wanted to explain a little more about how we respond to her fears in the moment because I don't think I made that clear in my first message.

14:03When I have the time and mental bandwidth, I try to get down to her level and say something like, I can see you're really afraid. That noise scared you. It's okay to feel scared sometimes. and you're safe, my sweetheart. I'm right here with you. But sometimes I'm trying to get three kids out the door, back home, fed, bathed, or into bed, and I just don't have that same capacity. When I'm overwhelmed or exhausted myself, I find myself responding with, what's there to be scared of? It's not going to hurt you. I know that doesn't help. She's still scared, but now probably feels more alone in the fear too.

14:41I think some of that instinct comes from my own childhood and being raised with the idea that we could somehow reason children out of being afraid, which I know from experience doesn't work. At the same time, I sometimes worry about going too far the other direction, whether giving the fears too much attention or always responding by picking her up or removing whatever has frightened her could inadvertently reinforce them. Logically, I'm not sure that acknowledging the fear itself would do that, but I'm struggling to work out where that balance lies, validating and supporting her without communicating that there really is something she needs to be protected from.

15:17And especially what that can realistically look like in these moments when I'm under the pump, stressed or exhausted myself. Thanks again. I really appreciate you taking the time to consider this. Yes. So this parent is covering the whole thing right there. I'm going to go over this bit by bit because there's so many things that she says that I want to respond to and clarify. Her answer to my question, though, is that she really couldn't think of anything that's maybe contributing to this. Like I said, this is such a common developmental behavior that children have and feelings that children have.

15:55But then this parent also says that the language is blossoming and that she's incredibly chatty and starting to put together long sentences. She's also beginning to label her feelings, saying things like, I'm feeling sad or I'm angry. Sometimes though, when we ask what happened, our explanation doesn't quite match what we've observed. So this blossoming of language could definitely be playing a big part here because any kind of development that children are experiencing, it tends to tip them even more off balance. If they're a sensitive child, they're going to tend to be more sensitive to novelty, to things that don't feel in their control, things that are unexpected.

16:38And then she's starting to give words to feelings, right? And this parent realizes that she's sometimes not expressing exactly what she's feeling. That's it right there. So children learn from us about feelings, right? And now she has this language to express herself, but she's not able to analyze what she's actually feeling. So these are words that she's heard us say that we've given importance to or value to, but they aren't necessarily descriptors of her feelings. Like for a child to be able to do that so accurately, I mean, once in a while they're going to be accurate, but to do that so accurately at this age would be, you know, kind of bizarre and phenomenal, right?

17:28Even as adults, sometimes we're in the middle of a feeling and we can't articulate what exactly is going on with us. Oh gosh, I'm having a panic attack right now, or this is really scary or whatever. We're in it. And so imagine a two and a half year old who's just starting to be able to say all these things. She doesn't have that reflective and analytic ability to know exactly what she's feeling. So we want to take all of these expressions with a grain of salt and know that, you know, she's trying and she's expressing something. But oftentimes, when children react to things, we're the ones that take it to the next level.

18:08And where I really sense this is where she says, when I have the time and mental bandwidth, I try to get down to her level and say something like, I can see you're really afraid. That noise scared you. It's okay to feel scared sometimes. And you're safe, my sweetheart. I'm right here with you. So that is lovely. I love the sentiment of I'm right here with you. It's okay to feel scared sometimes. But is the child really scared? I've noticed that as parents, we often are the ones that jump to scared when we don't really know. In fact, oftentimes, our child is just startled, surprised, something mysterious has happened.

18:48And even if a child seems to melt down over that, that's what surprises can do to children in these developmental periods, especially. Just throw the whole system off. That tender balance of control that they're trying to find in their world. And what can happen when we jump to scared is that, yes, this does tend to become more scary. And this parent said something so spot on here that I just wanted to go like, ding, ding, ding. This is totally it. Where she says, I sometimes worry about going too far in the other direction, whether giving the fears too much attention or always responding by picking her up or removing whatever has frightened her, could inadvertently reinforce them.

19:30It's not about too much attention. It's about the kind of attention. So there's never anything wrong with giving our child attention, right? That's always going to be a positive. That's all we want in life, most of us as humans. Somebody pay attention to me, especially when I'm having a feeling. But it's that attention that we're feeling like we have to fix this, that this is major fear happening here, when it might simply be, whoa, that was surprising. That was loud. Did that startle you? You weren't expecting that, right? Those kind of responses are more accurate for what a lot of these feelings actually are that children have.

20:12So when we start giving this, not just the verbal attention of immediately jumping to she's scared, but also now I've got to fix this. I've got to remove her. I've got to pick her up. I've got to make this stop, put this away, you know, tell those birds to stop talking. I mean, she realizes she can't fix a lot of this. And what does that do to us as a parent? It makes us feel exhausted, frustrated, uncomfortable, right? While this is lovely on one hand, and there are times where this is probably the perfect response, generally, if our attention is looking like this, where we try to get down to her level and say, I can see you're really afraid, that noise scared you.

20:57So we're deciding that it's scary, that our child's really afraid, we're making a, you know, point that this is a big thing that's just happened. All of that, and especially the picking them up and removing them and trying to comfort them in that way, can tend to exacerbate the fears. Because when kids feel, wow, my parent sees this is a really serious thing. Every time I go to this place, this is a big problem. Then that starts to amplify it. because this person that I'm looking to for that perspective is acting like I'm traumatized by this. It doesn't help. And it contributes to us feeling impatient about it, right?

21:41When this parent said, when she's overwhelmed and exhausted, of course, she finds herself responding with, what's there to be scared about? It's not going to hurt you. And she says this is from her childhood, raised with the idea that we could somehow reason children out of being afraid. Yes, I think that is part of it. But I think also, what is this urge that we want to use this reason thing? There's a reason we want to use reason. And the reason we want to use reason is that we're uncomfortable, because we feel like our child is not just startled or sparked into a out of control feeling, but that there could be deep fears happening here.

22:20And we got to make that better as parents. We want to make everything better. This responsibility that we put on ourselves is why we're going to lose patience and just try anything. Stop going there. You don't need to worry about that. It makes so much sense, but we wouldn't want to do that. Yes, it's true, like this parent said, that reasoning when children are in an unreasonable place, when anyone's in an unreasonable place where their threat detector has gone off and they are dysregulated and upset about something, reason does not help a child this age. It also doesn't help us to try to go there, not just because it's a wasted breath, but because it's feeding that mentality in us that this is our problem to fix.

23:04And we're all going to go to that sometimes. There's nothing wrong with this parent for saying sometimes, what's her to be scared of? It's not going to hurt you. But what I want to encourage her and anyone listening to do is to dial way back how you're understanding this and And know that your child is going to say the word scared. They're going to say the word angry. They're going to say, my brother hit me. They're going to say things that aren't necessarily what's really going on there. You know, because the imagination comes in. Children this age, especially the more sensitive, imaginative ones.

23:39Yeah, all these things feel very real. And this is, you know, all part of them being incredible learners in these early years. that they're absorbing everything. Everything has some interest and value to them. And these surprising things at certain times in their life for certain children, they don't like them. They don't want that. They want to stay on their delicate ground that they found for themselves in that moment. So yeah, it's uncomfortable for them, but it's healthy for them to pass through, just like all feelings, healthy for them to pass through. Believe it or not, some of my favorite family memories are of traveling with my kids in the car, listening to music and singing along to the songs that we could all enjoy.

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26:41Savings and offers provided by Cash App, a Block Incorporated brand. Parents and Legal Guardians can open a managed account for kids 6 to 12. Visit cash.app slash legal slash podcast for full disclosures. So this parent says, when she becomes really anxious or afraid, she can be so overwhelmed that she struggles to find words at all. That is what it's like to be in a feeling. And that's exactly what's happening here. Our daughter is going into the feeling. We can trust that. We don't have to fear that ourselves and then transmit our fear to our child. This is all healthy, what this little girl is going through.