Negativity, Pushback, No to EVERYTHING

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1:48Hi, this is Janet Lansbury. Welcome to Unruffled. Well, today I'm going to be talking about, it's one of my favorite types of children. I like all children, but I have a special fondness for these strong-willed children. I mean, I wasn't like that as a child, but I just find them so interesting. Anyway, in this case, this parent's having a hard time because her seven-year-old daughter, she says, is just full of negativity. She's argumentative about everything, says no, she won't do this, won't do that, has a comeback constantly. And this parent's wondering why this is still going on and what she can do to make it better and sort of what's going on with her child.

2:36But she's also very perceptive, like so many of the parents that write to me. So this came to me on, I believe it was a Facebook message. Here's what the parents said. Hi, Janet. I've been having a tough time with my seven-year-old daughter lately. She's very argumentative. It feels like everything is a debate. Says no to almost every request. A few of the school moms have expressed the same struggles. My daughter's a very strong-willed child, and I was just wondering if you think that the behavior is stemming from the big change of preschool to grade one. I know you often say these big life events can have unsettling effects on our kids, like a new brother or sister, etc.

3:19Maybe we forget that starting primary school is as big a life change as any. And our seven-year-olds are also just trying to adapt. Would love your opinion. Thank you so much. So yes, to everything this parent said. I mean, I even remember going from kindergarten to first grade and the pressure that it suddenly felt. I mean, in my day, kindergarten was a time that was, it was just a half day and you had a nap and a carton of milk. It was listening to stories. It was pretty chill. You just had to deal with all the social stuff going on, being in a classroom, which for me was pretty stressful. because I'm a more reserved personality.

4:07I'm an introverted personality. But then first grade, yeah, it was, gosh, now we're doing work and we're having to sort of achieve things and understand things and perform in a way to expectations besides all the social stuff, which seemed to kind of ramp up in that year as well. So it's a lot. It's huge. And yes, any change, even if it's just going from first grade to second grade or to a new school or to the second year of preschool, there's always going to be this transition that our child has to make. And with every transition, there's a loss of what you knew and what you were comfortable with.

4:52And now you've got to find your footing in this new situation. So yes, I agree with this parent that is having an unsettling effect, it sounds like. And this is the way this child is displaying that. This is actually a very common seven-year-old way to express feelings like this, express a transition like this. Think about toddlers, the way that they suddenly kind of latch onto this word no, and they start saying no to everything, even the things they want. They have to say no first just to say it. It's part of getting to be more autonomous. It's also, I'm in this really intense transition where I want to be more independent of my parents in some ways, but I also don't want to let go of control of them.

5:39I don't want them to be more independent of me. I just want to be more independent of them. And it's this power word to feel like you're asserting yourself in that way and also expressing, I'm confused a lot of the time. So that's the way that toddlers commonly do it. And I always try to help parents see that this is a great word your child is using. It's a power word. We don't have to dig into it and feel reactive towards it and take it so literally. We can hear it. We can take it with a grain of salt and hopefully have some sense of humor. And no, okay, my child's doing her thing and she's saying no to this, but you're saying no, but we're going to do it anyway.

6:24We're not getting hooked into it or triggered by it or seeing it as some problem that we have to fix. We're allowing children to pass through that stage. So that's sort of what's going on here. And I love that other friends, other school moms are all talking about the same thing. Even children that aren't strong-willed can get into that negative, no, I don't want anything. I don't like anything. That's a way of saying, I'm struggling right now. It's hard. And that doesn't mean we have to rescue them from that. This is a struggle that's appropriate. And the feelings around it are appropriate. Now, do we really want them to be expressing them that way, coming back at us or being argumentative?

7:06No, we don't. But there are worse ways, and this will pass more quickly if we allow it to. Anyway, here's what I wrote back to this parent, because I really did need more information to give her some specific feedback. I wrote back, yes, I think you nailed it. Can you give me a couple of examples of what she's saying no to or pushing back on? I may be able to help with some specific advice. And she wrote back, oh goodness, it feels like everything. I told her that the bath that she ran was ready, and she shouted, I'm busy. When I asked her to please hand me the remote that was with her, she just said, no.

7:48If I say, please take your bowl to the kitchen, she'll say, it's a plate. When I said we could cut out a picture, she leaned forward, looked at me over her little glasses, and said, where am I supposed to get a scissor from? She ran off to the tuck shop with her friend who was getting a frozen yogurt, and when I tried to call her back to explain why she couldn't get one, she knew what I was going to say. She shouted, I'm just going with them, and came back with one for herself too. She'll ask me to help her with homework and then tell me I'm wrong and cry. I feel so exhausted from all the debating and negotiating and fighting.

8:31So I wrote back, gosh, sounds challenging, but there's a simple way out of this that I'd love to share in a podcast if you wouldn't mind. But first, can you share how you generally respond to the negativity? And here this parent said, that would be amazing. I start off telling myself that I mustn't take it personally. I try not giving the behavior attention or explaining that I'm feeling frustrated and leaving the room for a bit. Most of the time I have learned she'll say no, but do it anyway. So I just don't respond to the no. Sometimes I jokingly say, oh, is the new rule in our family that we don't have to help each other out?

9:13Okay, no problem. Sounds interesting. I'll definitely give that a try. To which she laughs and says, no, no, no. Okay, I'll do it. If the behavior persists, my next phase is lecture mode. about how we're a family and we help one another and there are rules for a reason and it's important that we respect each other, etc. But then phase three is me losing it and yelling and then feeling really bad and ashamed that I couldn't stay calm. We always talk about it afterwards. We apologize to each other and sometimes say a little prayer together. I'd really love some advice for when the pushback and arguing seems relentless.

9:52Thank you so much for your help. So yes, this parent, it sounds like she is getting caught up in this. And she says, I start off telling myself I mustn't take it personally. But unfortunately, scolding ourselves and telling ourselves not to feel what we're feeling doesn't work any more than it does to tell our child to stop being so negative and stop feeling what they're feeling. So that's not going to work for us. We have to go a little deeper. But before I talk about that, I just want to talk a little about what I said is a simple solution to this, because it is a simple solution. Does that mean it's always easy and not complicated in our personal psychology?

10:36No. But on its face, it's a simple solution. And that is what you hear me say a lot here, rolling out the red carpet for all that negativity. Seeing it for what it is, what this parent already sees it is. just kind of this venting, this big dumping of all this stuff that she's feeling around this transition. The stress, negativity, the, uh, I can't do this. All of that. It's coming through in this typical strong-willed child's way, which is putting it out there onto somebody else, taking it out on you. That's what we all do sometimes, I feel. Maybe I'm just talking about myself. But it's definitely what kids do.

11:17And she's only seven years old. So when we allow our child to like dump all those feelings out, not taking it seriously, as his parent sees, a lot of the time she just wants to say no. And she does the thing anyway. And there are things that we can make sure she does, like, you know, we help her get out the door, whatever. And there are other things that we can let go of as she's venting this stress. So when we allow it all to be expressed and we don't get in there getting hooked into it, putting these little dams up through our reactions because our child sees that we're bothered by it and it just keeps them stuck there as well.

12:00When we can let it go, just let her be like that for now, then actually not feel wound up about it because we see it as what she needs to do. And she's doing it with the person she trusts and loves most. That's how we want this to look. I know it doesn't feel like we want this, but that's the ideal way our child gets to vent with the person they're safest with. And somehow, even though it's driving us a little cuckoo, we understand it. We roll our eyes maybe, and we let it go. We don't let her get to us. We don't let her get under our skin. We don't take the bait or whatever analogy you want to use, whatever imagery works for you.

12:42Then it passes. Kids do pass through all of these phases of negativity. As I said, the first one usually begins in toddlerhood. But if at that time we give that power, then it's harder for our child to pass completely through that phase. Some kids end up getting threatened or shamed or scared out of their negativity and the way they're saying no. But that's not what this parent wants. She wants to close any divide between her and her child, not add to it. And the thing is about being argumentative or debating these terms that this parent used that, yeah, it's so easy to fall into that. But when we're arguing or debating, we're on different teams.

13:25And this is our child being kind of obnoxious right now, or very obnoxious, but she's still on our team. We don't want to get into where we're coming back at her. Again, this parent knows all of this objectively, but she's just having a hard time. And I have an inkling where some of that might be stemming from, because as it happens, I hope it's okay for me to say this, this parent, we had a thread apparently on Facebook. And I noticed when I was responding to this, that this parent has been sharing with me on and off for a while now about different things. And a couple of times she even got a brief response, but a lot of times she didn't, which I feel always guilty about.

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16:34What I know about working with a lot of adoptive parents is that parents in this situation tend to feel a little more vulnerable and more doubting of themselves. This is just my observation, and there's no reason a parent should feel like this. But I've noticed that for some, not all, it seems harder for them to trust their instincts. You know, there's more of a tendency to second guess when it comes to bonding and things like that. Why? There's no real reason in the world why one should, but it often happens. So this is something for this parent to explore in herself. That's the part of this that's not as simple, but it's going to be so healing and so helpful just on a practical level, dealing with her child's ups and downs in every area, that she looks at where this is coming from for her.

17:29So I encourage this parent to do that, because that's what's going to help her to not just have to tell herself she mustn't take it personally, but for her to see this is about this girl going through a big change, and there's nothing personal about this. The only thing that's personal is that I keep getting drawn into it because of my vulnerability here. And there can be a lot of reasons for that. It could be about our own relationship with our parents. It can be about our other childhood experiences. So that's really the real work here. The part I'm giving you is the easy part in a way. It's just taking a look at this as if, like, let's pretend this is somebody that's somebody else's child, not ours.

18:16Or maybe it's even a co-worker, just someone that we aren't so tied to, that our heart isn't with at every step, that we can be more objective about. And let's say this person is into this no thing or into this negativity thing, which is so over the top. That's the way to always be sure as a parent that this is about something our child is going through, that maybe I'm letting myself get caught up in, because it's so over the top. If her mom says, please take your bowl to the kitchen, and the girl has to say, it's a plate. It's so ridiculous. And that's how we know that it's not a real thing. None of this is that our child is really obnoxious or doesn't know this part that the parent understandably want to lecture her about.

19:03This isn't something that's missing for her child. Her child, I'm sure, knows about how we're a family and we help one another and there are rules for a reason and it's important that we respect each other. None of this is news to her daughter or something that she needs to now learn. These are all things this parent has already instilled in her through her everyday interactions for being a caring parent, being a responsive parent, for usually having a light touch with her child. But somehow we go into doubt again when our child isn't acting reasonably. But she's not acting reasonably because she's not feeling reasonable.

19:42She's feeling something emotional that's throwing her for a loop. And so what she needs more than ever is this solid, throw it all at me, honey. You could just throw that negativity at me. I'm not going to let it stick. Enjoy yourself. Let's look at how some of that could look specifically. Here are the things his parents said she's doing. I told her that the bath that she ran was ready and she shouted, I'm busy. I mean, I don't know if I would say anything to that. I would just let the water go cold for her and she can experience the natural consequence of that. But there's really nothing to say there, especially if she's shouting from another room.

20:21I wouldn't engage in that. What doesn't sound like a parent did, but I wouldn't remind her, well, look, I ran this for you and all that. I mean, she's being absurd. When I asked her to please hand me the remote that was with her, she just said no. Okay, thanks a lot. Just, uh-huh, interesting. That's where you're going with this right now. Okay. Is that where we're at? All right. I can have a sense of humor about it. I can see it lightly because I'm not threatened by it. I'm seeing it for what it is. If I say, please take your bowl to the kitchen, she'll say, it's a plate. Uh-huh. Yeah, I can see that.

20:59Or nothing. Or just, okay, as you wish. When I said we could cut out the picture, she leaned forward, looked at me over her little glasses and said, where am I supposed to get a scissor from? Hmm. I don't know the drawer. Probably the less that you say, the better, but not that you're trying to say less or trying not to give it attention or trying to ignore it. You're just letting it bounce off you like you're this backboard of love that's not going to fall for a seven-year-old's antics and her little digs and her little attempts to try to engage you in a conflict so that she can express more of those feelings and take them out on you.

21:39No, we don't want her to take them out on us. So we're not opening ourselves up for that. That's the thing. That's the difference. We're not ignoring it. We're just not opening ourselves up for an argument because we're so above that. We see what's going on with her and she's behaving ridiculously, but emotionally, it does make sense. She ran off to the tuck shop with her friend who was getting a frozen yogurt. And when I tried to call her back to explain why she couldn't get one. She knew what I was going to say. She shouted, I'm just going with them and came back with one for herself too. That is taking it a little further maybe, but I would just nod my head like, very interesting, my darling.

22:25Okay. And this won't keep happening. There is an end to this, I promise. I mean, this may be one of her venting channels, this girl. I mean, all children will have their certain ways and they're usually the ways that are getting to us. And then it doesn't become their favorite channel anymore. And maybe they go to a more direct one, or maybe they kind of keep trying that one. But when it doesn't stick, they pass through. She'll ask me to help her with homework, and then tell me I'm wrong and cry. That actually happened to me a lot, where my kids would ask me for ideas for things, or they'd be stuck, and they wouldn't know what to write about for their essay or whatever.

23:02And I'd come up with ideas, knowing I was going to get knocked down on all of them. But I almost just did it because I actually like brainstorming, things like that. But yeah, invariably, they would all say, no, that's terrible and just criticize everything I said. So this is a little more sad that she's telling her she's wrong and she's crying. But that crying right there, in a way, that's the girl that we want to engage with. The girl that got to that. All those masks of being negative and everything got pulled away. And there she is crying because she's scared in this situation. It's tough.

23:44Or she's feeling a loss of her comfortable life that she had before this. It's a big challenge, as a parent knows. And that's what's underneath all of this, the girl that's crying, because we're wrong. We told her the wrong thing about her homework. So when we think about it, exploring our personal reasons why we're getting caught up, it really makes a lot of sense. And it makes sense that the response is not to let her negativity bother us. it's to see that it's just such immature behavior and to let it just run its course and try to meet the challenge of, all right, I feel myself going there.

24:27I don't need to go there. But again, that has to come from exploring why we are going there so easily. The vulnerabilities in us that are making this hard. And this is true with almost every challenge we face with children. And when something continues or seems so over the top like this, often it's hitting our vulnerable spots and we're without meaning to playing into it in some way. And this parent says, I feel so exhausted from all the debating and negotiating and fighting. Yeah. So give it up. When she's doing pushback, let her push back and you be solid. And you don't even need to try to validate anything she's saying.

25:08I mean, I wouldn't do any of that. Like I wouldn't say, oh, you really wanted the ice cream anyway, or you don't want to hand me the remote. I mean, that would be over the top trying to validate her, and that's not what's needed here at all. All she needs is to be accepted, and that can be very unexhausting on our part when we're seeing this for what it is. It's a very passive thing just allowing her to be who she is right now. knowing this isn't the best side of your girl that's coming out. But when she can let it all out, she'll be back to that girl again or she'll be that girl more often. What we accept fully flows by.

25:50What bothers us dams up the flow. It always goes like that. I really hope some of this helps and sounds doable because I believe that this is for this parent when she takes a look at some things. And I want to thank this parent so much for all the notes that she's written to me over the years and especially allowing me to share what's going on with her in this case. We can do this.

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