Painfully Shy in Public, Spirited at Home (What's Up with That?)

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1:29know when a joke lands. She had one note. Tell listeners it only takes minutes to build an agent. So, minutes. Create your own AI agent today on Monday.com. Hi, this is Janet Lansbury. Welcome to Unruffled. Today I'm going to be responding to a parent who's concerned that her daughter seems to be painfully shy when she's around other children and even in her gymnastic class, which she says that she loves, but she's not very willing to participate there. And at the same time, this child seems very strong and opinionated at home with her parents. So it's confusing, right? Well, this is actually much more common than it maybe sounds.

2:14What I've learned is that the behavior isn't indicating what we might think it is, that this child is fearful or, you know, painfully shy. I'm going to explain all this and why a child who seems to be a strong-willed person when she's with her family at home can behave differently when they're in social situations and how to help them to evolve in those situations, how to help them to get more comfortable and feel more at ease and more able to participate. So I'm excited to get into this and I'll start with this parent's note to me. Hello, I wanted to thank you for all your help along my parenting journey.

3:01My three and a half year old daughter is so fun, loud, busy, smart, and opinionated at home. But no one other than me, her dad, and her grandparents would ever know it because she's painfully shy in every other social setting, even with her cousins or my friends' children that she has played with many times before. The other kids are excited to see her because they know her and they often seem confused why she's shy toward them or not answering them. People always comment in front of her how shy she is, and I hate it probably because I was a shy kid myself, and I didn't like people calling me shy all the time.

3:40I feel so bad for my daughter, and I want to help her to be more outgoing or to interact with other kids. But I don't want to intervene too much either. When we are with other kids, she will mostly play by herself, just sit with me, or quietly ask me to play with her instead of playing with them. Another example where she is shy is at gymnastics, which we go to every week. She's always excited to go and tells me she wants to go and goes right into the gym when class starts. She does her stretches with the class, then she will do the first rotation, say bars, for example, just fine. But then when she has to transition to the next event, say beam, she all of a sudden will clam up and won't move.

4:25Sometimes it will be two different coaches at the different events, but she knows both coaches pretty well, as we've been doing gymnastics for quite some time now. The coaches will say, it's your turn, and may offer to hold her hand or help her, etc. But she will just sit there and not say or do anything. Almost like she's frozen or scared even. Sometimes she might shake her head no, so they will just have another kid go before her and then ask her a few times again if she wants to go. She will sometimes just sit there until the class is over at that point. It's like once she clams up, she can't get out of it.

5:03I won't make a huge deal about it, but I might ask her if she likes gymnastics or if she would rather not do it anymore. She always says she loves it and wants to continue to go. My question is, how do I handle this? I sometimes let her sit there, or sometimes I will try to go in and help her myself, as it is a preschool class where parents watch and are welcome to come in if the child needs us. She's going to preschool soon, and I'm nervous she will do this there too, and I won't be there to help her. In general, I would love pointers on how to handle my very shy girl. Most of all, I want her to feel confident and happy and proud of who she is.

5:44Okay, so as I said, this dichotomy is much more common than we might think. And I wonder if many of you out there have experienced this with your child who seems so, I mean, I use the term strong-willed. And to me, that's a positive thing to say about a child. I know some people have a negative connotation around it. But to me, this is alpha. It is sometimes kind of intense, but it's these big, bright lights that are very powerful, right? And, you know, they have all the downsides that go with those upsides, like they can be a bit opinionated, they can be bossy, they can be, this parent said, loud, they can be big, right?

6:29And like I said, I see that as a positive. Now, one of the many, many things I've learned since I've been able to have this incredible experience, I consider it an incredible experience, and the only way I could possibly have learned all the things that I've learned about children and be able to really see beyond their behavior and understand them and what they need. The way that I've done this is by being able to facilitate parent-toddler classes for years and years and years. In those classes, I get to see the children every week. I get to see their dynamic with other kids, with their parents.

7:07We get to see how the parents making slight adjustments can make a difference in their child's comfort in the surroundings and their child start to open up and participate more. We can see these different personality types. And again, this one is a theme, this child who the parents feel like is so strong at home. And yet when they're with even their cousins, it's a different story, right? And we worry about them. I've learned not to worry because what this is, is something that can happen in so many different ways to children. It's children getting stuck in this kind of power position. I mean, it's not a super comfortable position, but it's also not sad and painful and fearful.

7:59It's really just kind of a stuck place that kids go to. And you've heard me talk about this a lot. It can happen where children get stuck in certain behaviors because they notice those behaviors have power with us, right? So, I mean, there are a million examples of this, and so many of them have come up on the podcast. Sometimes it's that we wanted to really stress this message to our child about body autonomy, me, that you need to give your consent before anyone touches you. And kids will get stuck in exploring that power with us, you know, where we need them to leave a situation or we're trying to pick them up or stop them from hitting us or anything.

8:41And they'll say, don't touch me. You're touching me. I don't want you to touch me. And I remember one time in class, there was this wonderful family. I love this little girl. She was a power girl. She was a power player. And the mom was very committed to this idea of her child being gender neutral, wanted to give her child that kind of upbringing. And somehow children, they know, they're so in tune with us, that they figure out what has power with us. And then they get stuck exploring that. So in this one case, this little girl, I felt so bad for the mother because she became the biggest girly princess you could imagine.

9:22She became obsessed. And would she have explored that anyway? She probably would have. But it became a thing because the mother was so pained about it. So I tried to help the mother understand that this is just, it's a phase, it will pass. and the more you can welcome it, trust her and let her explore and not feel threatened by this in any way, the sooner it will pass. And sure enough, it did. And this can happen with children saying certain words that we are offended by, and then they get stuck going to those words again and again and again. A lot of us have experienced that issue. I mean, it's really a whole gamut of things.

10:06So what happens in this case, what I've seen happen is these are powerful children, and they do often take a bit longer to want to suss a situation out. Like this little girl wants to come in like a queen, like knowing everything that's going on, doing it all perfectly. You know, this is the kind of child that fits this model. They just don't want to be the vulnerable one making the wrong move. So they're waiting, they're holding on, they're watching. And then they feel people trying, especially the most important person, the parent, trying to help them, encourage them to join in and do the things that we want them to do.

10:50And our child feels the power in that. And that makes them feel even more stuck in this role of being the one holding it all together and letting other people be so excited to see them. And yet they're staying internalized about that. They're not going to give it up. They're not going to give in to being goofy and enthusiastic too. So it is not comfortable, like I said, and they are kind of missing out. But on the other hand, they're also doing this really intelligent thing, which is observing. They're getting to be the ones to notice what's going on and what other children are doing and finding that place where they could fit in.

11:37So I'm saying all this to encourage this parent and any parent who's worried about their child's social skill, their assertiveness with other kids, their outgoingness. I mean, this girl may never be outgoing with other children in that way. And that's okay. But that strong girl in her is going to come out with the people that she's comfortable with. And she just needs a chance to find her way. But instead, there's certain things kind of holding her back. And the main one is the view we have of this child, which, you know, as parents, we always go to that fear place, right? That worry place. I mean, I totally relate to that.

12:19My children are adults and you still go there. I've learned that that's not the truth very often, but it still comes up for me. So if we could start to see this differently, start to see this as what I'm convinced it really is, which is a girl just taking her sweet time to do it her way. And that is not painful or shy in a negative, uncomfortable way at all. I mean, I don't even think it is shy, honestly. It's just being reserved in that situation because I'm not going to let go of this power that I have. And I'm also going to do it my way. You know, that opinionated girl. She's having an opinion about whether she wants to do that next gymnastics thing or not.

13:15And no, I don't want to do that right now. And then she feels everybody trying to get her to get her to get her to and that makes it even harder for her to give into that, right? So even if she might have been ready to, now she's less ready to because the coaches want her to, her mom wants her to, her mom's coming in and trying to help her hold her hand and do it. All of that just makes it worse for her, right? It makes it harder for her to take those risks of maybe trying something that she might not do perfectly or as well as she thinks she should. Across the board, what kids need most when it comes to their social learning is confidence in themselves and their process.

13:59And how do we nurture that? By us having confidence in them and their process, which means trusting. Trusting, allowing it to unfold, not trying to accommodate or coax her out or make it work for her. Honor her strong position as the observer that's going to stand back and hold her own until she's ready. That's a very strong position and point of view to take. And that's where this girl is. I've seen it a hundred times with kids in my classes. Oftentimes they are girls, but not always. I don't know what that means. But this alpha child, these children will often in class, they'll be right by their parent.

14:47Maybe they're even trying to pull their parent to come play with them. And I discourage that. I try to encourage the parent to hold your ground. And that's what I'm going to encourage this parent to do. I'm about to get to the steps that will help her. But mainly, I want to help her understand what's actually going on here. Because that's everything, right? The way we see, the way we understand what's going on with our child, that decides all of our reactions and behaviors and especially decides the most important thing, which is the feelings that we're emitting, that our child is picking up on.

15:27So if we're feeling worried that our child may be scared or painfully shy, our child is feeling that concern coming from us, and that's keeping them stuck. I love how this parent remembers being called shy and how she didn't like that. So she can start right now by not even thinking of this as shyness, because again, I don't think it is. I'm convinced it's a powerful observer that's going to take her sweet time till she's ready and not going to let anyone rush her. And the more you try to rush her, the more she's going to hold on to her position. That is the epitome of strong, right? This parent says when the coaches will say it's your turn and may offer to hold her hand or help her, etc.

16:17Again, I feel like that's making it harder for this little girl, not helping her. Then this parent says, but she will just sit there and not say or do anything, almost like she is frozen or scared even. So frozen, yes, people are trying to take something from me that I need to hold on to. Scared even, I sincerely doubt it. because there's nothing this child is saying or doing that's sounding like she's afraid to be there. She wants to go. She's excited to go. She can't wait to do it when it's on her terms. But all of a sudden it's like, I don't want to make that transition or I'm not sure about it or I'm not sure if I can do that next thing as well.

16:57I'm not as used to it. Or let me see if everybody's going to try to draw me out again like they've been doing. I'm feeling my mom's trepidation, maybe. Nope, I'm holding on. Sorry, this is what I'm doing. It's interesting, right? I love kids. They're so great. But yeah, they can confound us. We take things at face value. And on the outside, it does seem like she could be scared or shy or painfully frozen. It's like once she clams up, she can't get out of it. Yeah, it's a stuck place. How do you break out and take a chance and be vulnerable when this has become your position. It's very hard. It's harder for us as adults to say, okay, I'll do it when we're holding on to that opinion.

17:45Or maybe you're right when we're holding on to our opinion about something. So imagine how much harder it is for a child who's so new to this, all these feelings that she's having that are coming up for her in this gymnastic situation where these expectations are all on her and she doesn't necessarily want to go along with them. She's got strong opinions. And the parent says that she always asks her if she likes it. And she always says she loves it and wants to keep going. I mean, there's so much richness going on for her here. She's getting to observe all these things. She's getting all these people in a way falling over her trying to get her to do things.

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21:02So let's talk about what this parent can do besides seeing this differently, which is, again, the key. And hopefully a relief to this parent or any parent going through something like this, that actually this isn't something to worry about. It's just this interesting thing that your child's gotten caught up in. But she will find her way out if we can actually do things that encourage that, which is the opposite of trying to encourage her to get more involved or be more participatory or whatever it is. Instead, we want to just take all the pressure off that's coming from us, which means all the help, all the concern, clear the air of all of that.

21:46This we can easily do once we believe in this. It's really not that hard. It's like a letting go. It's like a relief, right? That's how she'll get out of this power loop. She will find her way. She will find her time. It may not be in this series of gymnastics classes or the next one, but it might be in the next social opportunity she has after that. If this still seems to be going on by the time she's about to start preschool, I would let the staff know. It takes her a while, but it's okay. Don't try to get her playing. Don't try to get her joining. She will do it in her time. Just leave the space open for her.

22:23And maybe once in a while they could just offer, oh, would you like to join? And she says no. Okay. Really letting go of it. Accepting where she's at instead of trying to accommodate it and make it work for her somehow. Letting go. This is how this girl is going to feel even more confident and happy and proud of who she is, which I think she already is very confident. But she'll be more able to take risks when we take this cloud of worry away. Again, that's mostly coming from us. We can't control what, I don't know, what the grandparents think or what those cousins think. I mean, they don't seem worried about it.

23:04They're just happy to see her. So again, we don't want her to sense our discomfort. The best way to ensure that is we decide to trust her. And therefore, we're not uncomfortable about it. We just know it's going to take a little more time maybe for her to let down her guard and be vulnerable enough to take risks. So once you've started to see that way, the way this can look, first let's talk about the cousins. So here come the cousins. Instead of suggesting she play with them or do anything with them, you're just going to, you know, obviously let her know she's going to see her cousins. You know, they're all so excited to see her, blah, blah, blah, blah.

23:45Now there they all are. And you're not going to do anything to try to make this happen. If she wants to kind of reject the cousins or not want to join in with them, great. At the same time, though, don't accommodate. Don't be feeling like you need to find something for her to do. Play with her yourself. Get something going with her as if she's missing out on something. She's not missing out on anything by navigating this situation with her cousins. That instinct this parent had, she said, I don't want to intervene too much. So yeah, don't intervene at all. There's no need to intervene in a situation like this.

24:25Nobody's getting hurt, right? She's just taking her sweet time. So if she wants to follow you around and the other adults or sit with you, sure, but you're not going to try to entertain her or occupy her, nor are you going to join in what the peers are doing to try to get her to do that because you've let go of this. And you know that that's actually going to work the opposite of how we often think it will, that this is going to help her to join in if we show her how to do it. No, that's going to just show her that I'm uncomfortable. This has a lot of power with me. I really want you to be able to do this.

25:03And that's exactly what's keeping her stuck. So do the opposite. Let go. Oh, you don't want to play with them? Okay. If she quietly asks you to play, say, not right now, but you're welcome to hang with me. Do everything that you would normally do. talk to the adults and do the same at gymnastics or in any other situation with her. Find your spot where the parents are sitting, be a secure base. And if other parents are getting up to help their children, I know a lot of that happens on playgrounds and things like that. And in gymnastics class, maybe I recommend you don't do that because it's giving children a message that we're concerned and we don't think that they're really capable of doing it themselves.

25:50And that may not be how we feel inside, but that's how it's going to come across. This is a developmentally appropriate situation in that it's geared for a child this age. We're not expecting her to go to a cocktail party with adults and socialize. This is meant for her. It's all around her. So trust your child to be able to participate as they wish to and are ready to their way. As long as it's not hurting anyone, obviously. Sit down. Stay put. Don't be drawn in. Even if your child wants to have you hold their hand and help them do it, just calmly say, oh, you know what? I'm going to stay right here.

26:32And yeah, I see you want me to come, but this is where I'm comfortable. This is where I'm going to stay. And you can sit here with me as long as you want. I used to tell the parents in my class, when you have older kids, you'll be like excited to have your child come sit with you or sit on your lap. Those years don't last forever. So welcome that. Your child wants to sit on your lap or sit right next to you when they're in a social situation. Yeah, enjoy that. And that's how you'll free them up. Letting go for the win for both of you. Letting go eases your mind and helps you relax and helps free your child up from these stock places.

27:12Trusting, letting go. And that's exactly how we do what this parent wants, which is helping her to feel confident and happy and proud of who she is. Because we're proud of who she is. Whether she's sitting with us or she's out there participating, it's up to her. We just like being with her. That's a brilliant message to give your child. And it works. But not on our time, on theirs. You know, we put so much pressure on ourselves as parents, I think because of that worry thing that we do about our child, about every little thing. And then we've got to fix it, we've got to fix it. None of that is our job.

27:46And when we're only doing our job, Just being there supporting them in our parent place, we free them up to do their job, navigating all these situations in their way and time. We can do this.