Parenting Problems Our Childhoods Create (and How to Fix Them)

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1:39Hi, this is Janet Lansbury. Welcome to Unruffled. Today I'm going to be talking about, well, I'm going to be responding to some issues that parents have shared with me. Both of them, while they're quite different on the surface, both of them seem to stem from impressions that these parents got in their own childhood that created discomforts. And in one of these two cases, there was something somewhat traumatic involved. So there can be a whole wide range for us as parents of things that went on and impressions that we got from them set us on a course when we have our own children to want to ensure that we don't pass this on, that our child doesn't have to feel the things that we felt that were uncomfortable for us.

2:27This is a goal that parents naturally have. And it's a laudable motivation that we want to do all in our power to ensure that a particular dynamic or quality doesn't get inherited. Sometimes this isn't even about childhood issues, but it's simply ideas or values that we've formed and embraced that have become really important to us. But in the case of the two notes I'm going to be commenting on today, these are stemming from childhood discomforts and perhaps fears of repeating these situations. And the problem this creates for us is that almost no matter what we say or do, it's our feelings, our fears and discomforts that our kids pick up on.

3:14And that overwhelms everything else for them. They care how we feel. I mean, that's a good thing, right? And they're very perceptive that way. The problem is, there's one thing we can say across the board in parenting, and that is that our discomfort can't help but make our child uncomfortable. It's almost impossible for our child to feel comfortable when we're not comfortable. And then when our child is uncomfortable, their behavior is very likely to go off track or at least be annoying because they keep kind of needing to try to make that discomfort in us disappear because it's uneasy for them.

3:55Naturally, they're looking to us to be their guides for safety in a situation and comfort in any situation. So this may sound confusing. I think it'll make more sense when I share these examples. First one was an email, I believe. Dear Janet, thank you. You've definitely helped me navigate some tricky periods and transitions, including an international move with an anxious child. Very useful episode recently. I'm writing because I feel like I'm on a different planet to my children, and I don't know how to realign us on the same plane. And it is making me so upset that I can't seem to find our connection.

4:35The connection I'm missing is to do with vocalization, both of them hearing and retaining information that I have spoken or sounds that they are making to express themselves. The first, despite my husband and colleagues being able to hear and understand me just fine, somehow I'm auditorially invisible to my children, age three and six, and it's beginning to drive me crazy. Some examples. Child, what are we having for dinner? Me, pasta and meatballs. Child, okay. Three seconds later, same child, what are we having for dinner? Me, pasta and meatballs. Child, okay. This can happen another three to four times.

5:19Or me looking them in the eye or touching them to make sure they're engaged with me. I'm just going upstairs to the bathroom or to get the laundry. I'll be right back. One minute later, sobbing children, we couldn't find you. We thought you had left. This has never happened. Or me to the child, please put on your shoes. We need to get in the car. Me, please put on your shoes. We need to get in the car. Me, please put on your shoes. We need to go. whoa, this latter one is a real worry to me because my sister, who has ADHD, always tells me that I'm an incredibly aggressive communicator. We realized just this year, and we are 39 and 41, respectfully, that she just doesn't hear me the first few times I tell her or ask her something.

6:11She only hears me when I'm about to lose my mind. My husband can confirm that I'm speaking in a normal volume and tone. So she thinks I launch in a total rage, whereas I think she's ignoring me. I don't want to enter into this dynamic with my children, but with parents and sister who don't hear me and children who don't hear me, I feel like I've disappeared off the planet and I'm a ghost. The other thing which is a problem is that I don't know how to make it clear to my children that I've already answered a question multiple times or told them something already multiple times. It's really, really important to me that they absorb and remember information about the world around them.

6:51And I don't know how to encourage or nurture that without making it seem like they've forgotten something again. My six-year-old already says, I forget a lot of stuff. They both find it difficult to match their volume and their bodies, movement, speed of movement, to the environment they are in. And I spend a lot of time saying, look around, how are other people standing, sitting? How are other people speaking? But every time I feel like I'm telling them that they've done something wrong, when really I want them to be able to engage with their environments and make decisions accordingly. In case this seems like a lot for three and six-year-olds, we have just moved to the States from Europe, and I assure you that the three and six-year-olds in Europe were not as wiggly or loud when standing in line somewhere.

7:38They were able to stand still and speak in the same volume as the people around them. I spent so much of my childhood feeling wrong or stupid or bad, and I don't want to pass that on. It's possible that I've become hyper-aware of my surroundings as a result to not set off a criticism. But I feel so disconnected from my children because I don't know what is driving so many of these sounds, movements, repeated questions. I know intellectually it's rational for them, but emotionally it feels incredibly irrational. And once again, that difference makes me feel like an alien and in turn makes me so sad.

8:15Anyway, this is a long essay, but I would be glad to know if I'm not the only person feeling so disconnected and invisible. Thank you for all that you do. It is truly life-changing. So I'm sure there are other parents who feel this way. I know that this part about our children not seeming to hear us, not seeming to listen to us is very, very common. And the rest of this, I'm not sure it's that common, but I feel for this parent. She's not comfortable being in her own world from her children, obviously. None of us wants that. And I do believe that there's a way out for this parent, but it's seldom this direct one that we think it is.

8:56Like, let's just make my kids listen better. Let me find a way to do that. It's more of a holistic shift that's totally in this parent's power to make. And here's the main message that I wanted to try to give her. First of all, as I believe that I said in another episode recently, knowing that we're triggered by something is a gift. It's a gift because that gives us so much awareness as to what we're giving off with our children and what's getting in our way with them behaving the way that we want them to behave and connecting with us the way we want them to connect in this case. So this parent knows that this is touching off an old feeling in her, that her children are behaving this way.

9:40That doesn't instantly change things, doesn't make us feel great, but it is powerful to have that knowledge and for it to hopefully lessen our worries and fears about our children. because we know that we're giving off something to them that is having a big effect on their behavior. That's the first step to helping us stop doing that. Again, this situation isn't that common. I don't know that I've heard this exactly before, but the dynamic that's happening between this parent and her children is very common, and it makes it harder for us to navigate life with our children, to help them behave in the ways that we want them to behave and for things to be easier for us.

10:29So here's what I want to say to this parent generally. First of all, realizing that she's probably creating a bit of this issue because of her own fears, taking the focus off of them in these situations and the way that they're reacting to her, instead of putting so much weight on that? Just doing her and not trying to control what she doesn't control. Because when we're triggered or we have issues that matter to us like this, it makes us want to control outcomes so that we can fix this or make sure it doesn't happen. Or at this point, the parent just wants to stop because it's really uncomfortable.

11:13But we have no control over our kids changing their behavior for us the way we need them to be. And the interesting thing is when we don't try to assert control, when we just take care of us, that's how their behavior changes. So it's, like I said, not this direct thing that we can make happen. It's backing off that makes it happen. So not doing things that we have no power to do, which is to make our child hear us the first time or to make them tune in when it seems like they're tuning out their surroundings when they're in line or whatever it is. We do have the power to do us. Caring for ourselves in these situations and then letting the cards fall where they may.

12:00Her child says, what are we having for dinner? Pasta and meatballs. The child says, okay, three seconds later, what are we having for dinner? So I suspect that the children are getting caught up, not that they want to be annoying this way and they want to tune their parent out, but they're getting caught up in her feelings of discomfort around this. And so they're kind of playing with her, testing that out. Again, not consciously because they're not nice children, but children can't help themselves. it's an impulse to try to get you to calm down about this. You know, what's the big deal? That's the way they're thinking.

12:40I'm not saying that I would say that to that parent, but children just come on, just get it together. Like don't make a big deal out of this. Then we can feel more comfortable as little kids. So what are we having for dinner? Pasta and meatballs. Child says, okay, three seconds later, same child. I don't believe that child forgot about the pasta and meatballs. What are we having for dinner? Me, pasta and meatballs. So right there, I might say, oh, we're having that pasta and meatballs, as I said before. If I even want to say it that time. If I don't, I'll just say, ah, what I told you before. And then if she asks again, maybe it's a surprise.

13:19And maybe if she keeps asking, just smile, nod your head, shrug your shoulders. In other words, don't buy in and let your child feel whatever they might feel around this frustrated. Maybe they have to ask you 50 times. What children do is they get into certain dynamics with us that started with our discomfort, and then they just kind of get stuck recreating that dynamic. And it's not the truth about them a lot of the time. It's just part of the interplay, part of the, come on, mom, get it together. So the words that you say back don't matter. But you're saying to yourself, I'm not just not going to keep repeating myself again and again.

14:04That's silly. But it's not a big deal. There's not some really heavy, serious thing going on between me and my child here. And I'm not alone. I've just kind of fallen into this dynamic with them where we're not connecting, or they're acting like this, because they're trying to understand what's wrong with me in these situations, why I'm taking it so seriously. So I don't want to just say like lighten up, but knowing that this is something we're bringing in that isn't a problem we have with our children, because I don't believe that it really is. It's a dynamic that's temporary that we've gotten caught up in.

14:42Therefore, we can change it. But we have to be the ones to change. Our child isn't going to suddenly change. We have to be the ones by just not letting it get to us. See this as something where you're taking back control, where you have it, not trying to control what we don't control. That's never going to work for us as parents. And it's often going to backfire on us. I really don't want to feel like this with my kids. And it's really important that I connect with them. And it backfires. That's what happens. So this parent can totally change this. And then in regard to them feeling like they've lost her because they seemingly forgot that she told them that she went, see that as an okay response for them to have.

15:28Oh gosh, she thought I was gone. Oh, so worrying. You can be sincere, but also not buying in that this is a tragedy because it isn't. It really isn't. it's a bit of drama between you and your children that they've gotten caught up doing with you. It's part of the way they're engaging with you. We don't want them to engage like that with us anymore. So we're going to take the lead in taking back control. And then the way they behave in public, I believe they understand a lot more than this parent thinks, but that again, they've gotten caught up in a dynamic. So here's the first thing that I zoomed in on when I read this note, right?

16:11It's really, really important to me that they absorb and remember information about the world around them. And I don't know how to encourage or nurture that without making it seem like they've forgotten something again. Well, we don't want to worry about them seeming like they forgot something again. That's not something we have to protect against. But this first part, it's really, really, she said it really, really twice. It's really, really important to me that they absorb and remember information about the world around them. Well, what I'm seeing here is they may need help in the line. You know, if we're waiting for something that our kids want, you know what?

16:51I don't want to be here if you're going to behave like this. We're not going to stand in line for the ice cream or whatever it is. And that, again, can only happen when you dial this back for yourself and realize this is something that you need to take back control on, the control that you have. But then I just wanted to point out, so guess what? These girls are absorbing and remembering information about the world around them. They're just not showing you that. They're absorbing all these feelings this parent's having. That's the problem. They're absorbing too much about the world around them, the world that matters to them, which is their parent.

17:29And that's drowning out everything else. That's how powerful we are. But we can't give our power away or try to take control where we don't have it. Oh, and the other one was getting the shoe on. Follow right up with that. I say this to any parent whose child is, quote, not listening. Say it once, then be ready to help them. So you'll show through your actions. Maybe you say it once. Can you get your shoes on? And then now you see it doesn't seem to be happening. I'm going to walk over. Let's get your shoes on. Here we go. Do those physical things with them. And this won't be forever, but just for now, so that you're showing them, first of all, you're not going to get bothered by their silliness.

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20:59Okay, here's another one. And this is kind of heavy, especially in light of recent events, or actually constant events in regard to gun violence. And something I'm going to do a little differently with this note is I am going to interrupt as I'm reading through this so that I don't have to go back and share certain passages because this parent is so spot on. And I want to help her and other parents listening to know where the yes, ding, ding, ding, ding, you've got it's are. And the other parts which are coming from more of a fear place. Hi, Janet. I'm having trouble with my four-year-old son surrounding themes of violence.

21:42And I'm wondering if you can help me. For about six months now, our typically gentle and sensitive boy has begun making disturbing and violent comments and threats to us and his two-year-old brother. It's been ramping up in recent months, both in frequency and specificity. In our family culture, we have guarded both our boys fiercely from violent ideas and the knowledge of instruments of violence as much as possible. It was a decision we made from the beginning, knowing that at some point they would encounter things in the world as they got older and we would be there with them to help them navigate this whenever it became necessary.

22:16In the past year, though, unfortunately, or fortunately, I guess, because I knew we couldn't keep the world from him forever, he has learned of things like swords from grandparents reading Tim from a children's Bible, of all things, bows and arrows, our neighbor's father-in-law bow hunts in their woods and we have to get permission before we can walk the trails there, and most recently, guns. I've been reading Laura Ingalls Wilder's Little House in the Big Woods to the boys, and we've contextualized their use of guns as a means of protection against wild animals like bears and wolves. We've tried to frame hunting in terms of providing food for one's family, and we've never talked about the use of weapons as a means of harming other human beings.

22:56But our son is making comments and threats, it feels, at every turn, sometimes multiple times in a five-minute period. I'm going to shoot your head off, or he'll say to his little brother, if you don't let me have that, I'm going to cut you in half with my saw. It gets worse and more graphic than that at times. He's never seen anything violent. We don't allow screens of any kind in our home, and we live out in the woods, seeing honestly fewer people than would be my preference. He's just started a little pre-K program as of two weeks ago, but this has been going on well before that exposure to other people and family cultures.

23:31I'm sure we make it worse. I know that our reactions to his statements have made it a point of interest. Me. Yes, yes, yes. I know he can tell we are uncomfortable, and I'm afraid I've made things much worse. On my good days, I get curious and try to explore it with him. I wonder why you want to say that, do that. Wow, that's a scary idea. What's that about? But more often than not, I wind up reprimanding him, which I know does nothing, only makes it more interesting to him and drives a wedge between us with my judgment. Me, this parent is so spot on in the way that she's understanding this, what's going on here.

24:11Sometimes I wind up sending him to his room, which I certainly know helps no one, but I feel like I have to get a second to myself to calm down and wrap my head around how to engage helpfully. It doesn't help, of course. I grew up with an older brother who scared me often and was destructive, and I know I'm getting triggered here. I don't know how to get perspective on this so that I don't make things worse than I already have. I feel like I'm failing at helping him navigate the very thing which both my husband and I were hoping to approach with nuance and care. I can't seem to find the balance between allowing him to explore this, which is obviously intriguing or puzzling him, and also setting appropriate boundaries.

24:54I also want to be able to protect his little brother from these ideas for at least as long as we're able to for him, which he is making virtually impossible. So there's a protective element to all this too that I feel on behalf of our youngest. Any insight or perspective you can share would be so helpful. So then I wrote back, I would love to try to help. I have a question for you. What are you most afraid of in regard to your sons and the violent language? And she wrote, thank you for your follow-up question. Honestly, I have had to give it some thought because I didn't have an immediate answer.

25:28Maybe on some level, I'm afraid that his words could turn into actions at some point. In several podcast episodes of yours, you've said that when children say alarming or extreme things, it's not the same as if an adult were to say them. This totally rings true to me. I know he doesn't understand the grotesque reality of what he's saying, the severity of it, or the finality of the word kill. Those things are still abstract to him. But he's at this age where he's just exploring and trying things out all the time, really starting to push boundaries for the first time, and I'm not able to supervise him at all times.

26:02He's very curious about the world and how things work. It's partly because he doesn't understand the severity of these ideas that I feel nervous. What if he tries something on his brother while I'm not watching? Sometimes when he's threatened milder things like hitting or kicking, he has tried to act on them toward me. Thankfully, he's not very strong yet. And when this happens, it's almost like he's verbally broadcasting in the hope that I'll stop him. Me. Yes, yes, yes. This is this incredible thing that children do. And sometimes we react to the threat instead of realizing my child is letting me know that they don't want to act on this threat.