Setting Boundaries Without Power Struggles

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2:26Hi, this is Janet Lansbury. Welcome to Unruffled. Today, I'm going to be responding to a question that I received in an Instagram message, actually, from a parent. She's wondering about her five-year-old's behavior, which has seemed to have gone off lately. And she mentions a specific incident where the parent tried to set a boundary and it didn't go smoothly. What I feel like I can help her with and hopefully help all of you listening with is how to simplify this idea of setting a limit or expressing a boundary and knowing when, why, and how to do that, why it works, how it works best, and how it can be most effective and easiest for us to do once we get the hang of this.

3:14So I'll be speaking to this parent's specific issue that she's having, but know that the information I'm going to share also applies to every kind of limit that we might need to set or every kind of behavior that our child's having, whether it's an issue we're able to set a limit on effectively or not. So that's the when. And then also how to do that and why this works, which is also tied into why our child's doing the behavior in the first place. Okay, so here we go. Here's her question. Hi, Janet. I'm so grateful for your work and the help it has offered to me in my five-year parenting journey so far.

3:55I'm currently struggling a lot with my five-and-a-half-year-old daughter who's provoking and testing boundaries on a new level. Her sister is two-and-a-half, and I'm six months pregnant. My oldest will take every opportunity to block her sister's pathway, push her when running by, or poking her bum. We've had many situations where she's laughed at her when upset, copying her and saying things like, oh, it's fine, it wasn't that bad, something she'd never hear from us. I know she picks up a lot from her friend in kindergarten who she adores, but I still wonder what is unsettling her so much at the moment as she's with me and my partner most of her day.

4:33I'd love to hear your advice specifically about a boundary I was trying to set today when she was swinging a short rope with a hook on the end. I stopped her and it resulted in an intense power struggle as she wouldn't let go and I was fuming. In the end, I told her I would pull it out of her grip, even though I know it would hurt, and I proceeded when she still wouldn't let go. She burst into tears, yelling threats and that I wasn't her friend. I wonder if I could have gone about it any differently and would appreciate any of your thoughts on her behavior. Thank you so much in advance. Kind regards.

5:09So the why in this case seems pretty apparent that it's about this big transition in their lives as a family to their being another sibling born. And oftentimes it's easy to think, I know I sort of thought this when I was having my third, well, the oldest one, she's already been through this and she's more mature and she should be fine. The two and a half year old, maybe we'll have a hard time now having a younger one come in that's going to take much of the attention that they've been getting, right? But the oldest one should be fine. Well, that's not really true most of the time. In fact, it can be even harder for that older one who already went through maybe a rocky transition to the first sibling being born to now kind of being all tapped into again with having to go through this another time and feel like maybe they're getting even less of the pie, a smaller slice of their parents' attention, or they just don't want to have to deal with this again.

6:15They don't want to have this in their face again. Maybe their behavior wasn't that great the first time around, and now they're getting reminded of that that's getting touched on again. And so all the feelings that they had around that are coming up. So it can actually even be harder that second time. And I would bet that that's what's going on for this family, that this girl and the two and a half year old as well are both struggling with the changes that are happening, that they see happening and know are happening to their parent. So I feel pretty certain that that's what's going on here. And this girl is showing that she's feeling very out of sorts.

6:55By the way, she's just unreasonably picking on her sister, taking it out on her, doing silly things, blocking her pathway, being unkind, doing things also that kind of wind us up as parents when we see that. We don't like to see that, and it does get our attention. And so on some level, it's also a way that our child is kind of showing us their pain. Everything's not right with me. I mean, they're not doing this consciously, but that becomes a part of it. I'm not acting kindly, and I also know that this bothers you. And so this is a way for you to see me and my pain. Again, none of this is consciously thought out on our child's part, but that's sort of the vibe of it.

7:39So she's doing this unsettled behavior, and now much of this behavior, while it does probably wind us up or disappoint us, these aren't things that we can effectively put a boundary on. the way she's behaving to her sister, that being unkind, saying unkind things. Now, generally, the younger child or the child that's bearing the brunt of this kind of behavior really does see beyond it. And they don't tend to take it as personally as the parents do, generally. They kind of see my sister's being that way. But they don't, as much as we might fear usually take it into, oh gosh, I didn't deserve to feel that way or it wasn't that bad, really, or I shouldn't feel like this.

8:28When they receive that kind of response from us as parents with all our power, then it does tend to affect them. But when their sibling does it, they really do genuinely see beyond that. So I wouldn't worry about that so much because what happens is we're bothered by it because we think our child is getting so bothered by it. But then actually, we're the ones that are more bothered by it. So I would try to look at it that way and see that children really do usually see beyond the behavior better than we do a lot of the time. They have those instincts and we're the ones that usually get kind of triggered by these things.

9:06So anyway, this parent says, I know she picks up a lot from her friend in kindergarten who she adores, but I still wonder what is unsettling her so much at the moment as she's with me and my partner most of her day. Yes, so what's unsettling her is this impending change that's touching off the feelings in her, maybe some old feelings in her that happened the first time around and she first felt then. And yeah, she's showing that she's struggling with it. I mean, when we really consider our child's point of view, how could she not be affected by this? How could she be just like, oh, well, now we're going to have another baby and isn't that nice?

9:46Like we're getting a new doll or something. It's really a lot. And then whatever the parents are going through too around it, our child is absorbing that as well. So it's not a small thing. It's not a surprising thing if we really consider what that feels like to a child. I mean, if we could even consider what it feels like to us, right? It's a lot. It's scary. Oh, now we're going to be handling a third child. Now we're going to be outnumbered. We just got our second child to two and a half, helped her through that, and now we're starting all over again. And even if we're excited, it's very daunting, right?

10:28So to imagine that our child who's only five would feel smooth about the whole thing is kind of unreasonable, and it won't help us to understand and really respond to what's going on right now in a helpful way. So maybe there are times that the parents could share with the daughter about what's going on, especially as she's five. And there are a lot of things she can talk about or at least hear about that maybe a younger child couldn't. Like, we noticed you seem to be feeling so out of sorts. You're not being that kind to your sister. If we could say that in a nonjudgmental way, that would be amazing and helpful.

11:05And we wonder if this is because, yeah, you're going to have another sibling. We're having another child, another baby. And you probably remember from your sister how much attention that took, how much of our time that took, how hard that was for all of us to make this big adjustment. And now we're going through it all again. so we're just opening that up that you see her that you imagine you can be in her shoes right now and empathize with what that's like and and that that you want to know what that's like and that you're on her team here and you also know her so well that you know when she's behaving unkindly she's not feeling very comfortable inside so just bringing that out into the open can be such a relief for children.

11:53And it can right there help them feel accepted in and therefore not like they need to behave that way anymore. And when they do, maybe we just look at them and say something like, oh, there that goes again. You're just not feeling like being very kind. Non-judgmentally. I know it's hard, but it's not as hard when we really do start to identify with what's going on with our child. so that's the why that I see here and that's how we can help her with that and then again when she's not being kind to her sister we can't put a big limit on that we can see it and we might say something but I would really measure what you're saying and try to say it from that place of there you go again I see you not like why are you doing that and that's so mean and instead more from that place of really understanding the why or wanting to understand.

12:54That's where you can connect with her. And that's definitely where you can help her stop these behaviors. And so a lot of the why also, just to touch in on that a little more, is that I need to share. I need you to see me. I need to share how I'm feeling, how uncomfortable I am, how worried I am, maybe how scared I am that this is all going to happen again. and I don't know what it's going to be like. And I feel like you're mad at me when I act these ways, but I don't mean to act these ways. I'm just having a really hard time. Then when we're able to set a boundary over a behavior, like the specific example that the parent gave about the rope that she was swinging around, right there, we're going to set a limit that actually frees her to explode with some of this fear that's going on with her.

13:44And that's why we can get the sense that children, not always, but we often get the sense that children are overreacting. That's because the limit that we set is helping them to vent all of this situational stuff that's going on, the bigger picture. So it's not just about this rope that parents taking out of her hands. But now let's talk about how she can do this though, because this is how I want to help this parent and any parent to deal with actually setting the physical boundary. So when we know the why, we know the when, and this is a when where we can set a very effective boundary. The parents said, when she was swinging a short rope with the hook on the end, I stopped her and it resulted in an intense power struggle as she wouldn't let go and I was fuming.

14:32Okay, so being these adults with a five-year-old child or even a six or seven-year-old child or even a teenager, and certainly when a child is younger than that, even if our child is very strong and determined and all of those things, they ideally need us to feel more powerful than them. They need us to feel so powerful and mature as the adult that we're not going to let this become a power struggle, that we're going to be so effective and do this thing, which I always think is the key to everything. It's one of my favorite bits of advice to give parents. set the limit early, right at the outset, or when you see it happening, or when you see it about to happen, get ready.

15:15Especially when you're already aware that your child is acting in these ways that show their discomfort or that they're out of sorts, that they haven't been behaving at their best lately. They're going through something. And that's when we really want to be quick to, and I don't mean quick like we have to do it fast, but just picking up the slack right away, getting that thing out of her hands. So as soon as I see her picking up that rope with the hook on the end, no, that's not gonna be safe for her to play with. That's not appropriate. She doesn't need that in my mind. I'm gonna immediately come up towards her, not running if it's not an emergency, but I'm gonna walk right up and immediately, as I'm saying something or even before, I'm going to take her hand, open up her hand, and take that thing out of her hand very firmly, not angrily, because that's when the effect can be negative and kind of worsen the behavior, worsen the fear and the discomfort that a child feels.

16:16But instead, I'm just going to go in and rip off the band-aid or whatever you want to call it, immediately take that out of her hand. So there's no possibility of there being a power struggle. So I can be protective right away when I see that she's got something there that she's not going to handle well right now or might not handle well. I don't want her playing with that. So there's no need for her to be touching that. And this would be true if my child was approaching me in a way where I could see how unsettled they were. I would have my hand up close enough to block them from hitting me ideally.

16:51or if they did get a hit in, I'd be able to block the next one right away without making a big deal out of it. Because I can imagine at least the truth, which is that I'm the big mature one in the relationship here that my child needs to not be in a fight with. And I know that sometimes we get caught up in that we want to be able to ask them and have them give it to us and everything. It's just not possible a lot of the time, especially when our child is doing something inappropriate like that in the context of them having this really, really hard time lately. They're not in a state of perfect self-regulation where they can say, okay, here you go, you know.

17:34So the parent said this resulted in an intense power struggle and she wouldn't let go and I was fuming. I'm not going to wait for a let go. I'm going to ensure she lets go. I'm not going to put her in that position where she has to do something when she's showing me that she's not capable of that right now. Because that gets us fuming, right? If we want her to let go and she won't let go and now she's being so unreasonable, she's being so awful, right? Of course we're going to fume about that. But when we see that this is a person who's having a hard time and they're all over the place right now and they're uncomfortable, we can help her by stopping it right away so that we never get to fuming.

18:16She might fume, but we're not going to fume.

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20:15so the parents said in the end i would pull it out of her grip even though it would hurt so that's on one level being very respectful but it's even more respectful and caring to get in there right away right when it's happening rescuing her when she's in that situation not letting this become a back and forth and a power struggle take that hand right off in the beginning before she even has a chance to get a good grip on it. It's like when we say, oh, you need to give that to me. That's not safe. And often our child now is gripping harder, right? It's just a reflex. It's this reaction, reflexive reaction that kids have.

20:55So yeah, we don't want to let it get to that if at all possible. We just want to get it right away and not go there. This parent said, even though I know it would hurt and I proceeded when she still wouldn't let go. No, she's not going to let go. And we don't want to risk that and put her in that position. It's like if our child comes towards us holding a knife, we're not going to ask them, could you please let that go? I know this isn't a knife, but we're just going to take that knife away because nothing good is going to happen with that knife. And it's the same with a rope with a hook on the end, or even just something of ours that she has that we don't want her using when she's kind of in that state, when she's not in a centered, calm frame of mind.

21:37And so the parents said, then the girl burst into tears, yelling threats, and that she wasn't her friend. So right there, she's releasing all the fear, the feeling, everybody's against me right now. Nobody's my friend. I don't know why I'm acting this way. And I just feel horrible. If she could express it, what she might say is, I just don't like myself and nobody's my friend. And I feel all alone and everything's awful and you don't love me. I'm scared. You're not understanding me. You're mad at me. There's always a reason children behave the way they do. And of course, we're going to take it personally when we're asking her to kindly do something that she's not doing, and then she's being so mean to us.

22:21It's so easy to see that way. The parent wondered if she could go about this differently. And yes, that's what I recommend, that she goes about it differently, the way that I'm suggesting. and nothing fancy. It's not something we have to memorize or try to say a script or do something that's complicated. It's just seeing that our child's dysregulated. And the later we see it, because most of us don't see it right away, the later that we see it, the more intense it gets for them, the more distance they get from that it's really just fear. And it becomes all these other things. And then it's harder for us to see.

23:00Of course, there are a lot of reasons why we as parents who are going through a lot of our own stuff all the time would find it difficult to remember that our child has a point of view, that our child is sensitive to everything that's going on, probably more sensitive because they don't have these contexts and frame of reference for everything. They can't compartmentalize, oh, this is something that's happening right now, and later it's going to get better. And she probably doesn't remember how long it took before she felt a little settled with her first sister. It's just overwhelming to them.

23:31And young children are easily overwhelmed. Again, there's always a reason when they're acting unkindly and when their behavior isn't welcome and when it's concerning. It's a level of discomfort that they have. So that's always the case. And if we see it that way, we can set limits in a way that actually helps and helps you right away rather than gets us fuming. I really hope some of this helps. And for a deeper dive into all of these ideas and the mindset, how to really absorb this and get it in your mind and heart and body so you never really have to think about it anymore or not as much at least, I recommend my No Bad Kids Master Course, which you can take a look at at NoBadKidsCourse.com.

24:17Thank you so much for listening. We can do this.

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