The Counterintuitive Fix for Meltdowns at Drop-Off (and Other Hard Feelings) 

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0:35Approved? Oh, agents, where would we be without you? Somewhere with a lot more tabs open. Create your first Monday agent in minutes at monday.com. Hi, this is Janet Lansbury. Welcome to Unruffled. Today I'm going to be responding to a couple of different messages that I received. Both these situations that these parents are concerned about are pretty unusual in themselves, but this dynamic that I'm going to speak to is so common for all of us. It's a challenge for all of us, and it's something that's very often missing in our approach to our children's confusing, upsetting, concerning, chronic behavior.

1:24The advice I offer isn't going to be a magic fixer, but it's going to be the most helpful thing that we can do that isn't intuitive for most of us. It's not our go-to. And so we need reminders, right? The first parent's issue is subject line, rough drop-offs. And here's what the parent wrote to me. My daughter turned four in July, and she is attending pre-K four at the school where her sister goes, third grade, and where I teach. We were so happy to have one drop-off and pick up each day, but morning drop-offs are not going well. This daughter has gone to daycare since she was one year old, and she attended pre-K three at a different school last year.

2:12Usually, her father dropped her off last year. The mornings that I had to, she might struggle a little and need one extra hug and kiss, but she would always go cheerfully into the gym after a quick goodbye. We are three weeks into the current school year at her new school, and drop-offs are getting worse, not better. I drop her sister and her off in the cafeterias each morning with other students who arrive to school early. There are games and coloring sheets to occupy the younger students. We are a pre-K through eight school. My four-year-old complains that it is noisy and cold in the cafeteria, and she's been increasingly difficult to leave in the morning.

2:53Tears, screams, running out the door to follow me. At home, I have no problem, usually remaining unruffled and allowing her tantrums to take their course, but this is difficult at the school where I work, so I'm sure I've contributed to these drop-offs getting worse. She needs more hugs, more kisses, wants to walk into the office with me to clock in, needs to go to the bathroom, wants another hug and kiss, and then she still screams bloody murder from me when I leave. Today she was kicking, screaming, biting, and banging on the glass doors of the cafeteria, and she's been asked not to return to early drop-off for the rest of the week, Thursday and Friday.

3:32Her father is out of town this week, and we have a new cat, But aside from those facts, I can't think of anything else new to cause this. And her dramatic outbursts were occurring before her father went out of town. She loves school and is happy once she gets to her classroom. She's generally sweet, playful, demanding, and dramatic. A typical four-year-old. She's pushing limits, and she thinks that she's so cute that she can get away with anything, which is not the case. Her father and I do not give into her tantrums, so she should know that screaming her head off won't make me magically appear.

4:09Any insight, solidarity, or advice that you have would be greatly appreciated. Thank you. So yes, first let me just say solidarity, 100%. So for a child to go to a setting like this where their parent is there but not available to them is really, really hard. That's something that's quite different about this situation for this little girl. But that's not what this podcast is about, because that's the part that's an unusual situation. What's not unusual is that what I feel is missing for this parent here that will, again, not wave a magic wand and make this completely go away, but will get her on the path to this working better, this and any situation she's in with her daughter.

5:01That is to do this counterintuitive thing, which is speaking to those possible and very likely feelings that her child may be having, putting it all out into the open. All of these things that we just as parents, we tend to, we don't want to talk about that. Let's not talk about, yeah, this is so hard for you. I'm here. I'm your mom. You want to be with me. And yet I'm asking you to be in a classroom. And you know that I'm just right over there. That is really tough. It's tough for a lot of kids. And I have a feeling that this parent maybe hasn't brought that up. And that's the kind of thing that will help her.

5:46Also, her dad not being there to take her, her mother said, this isn't the whole picture here that it was going on like this beforehand. So I really do believe a lot of it is to do with the parent working there and the child going to school there. And again, I hear this from preschool parents, from childcare parents, not everybody, but most of the time, it's distressing how uncomfortable their child can be and how their child is the one that's, for lack of a better word, acting out the most. It can catch parents by surprise, It can be embarrassing. And, you know, it sounds like that parent's going through a lot of that where her child's blowing up.

6:24And this is where this parent works. So it's, you know, especially awkward for her. And therefore, she's more inclined to be doing all the things that are intuitive for most of us to try to make it work. Okay, let me give you another hug. Let me do this. Oh, you want to do this? And, you know, we're telling ourselves, maybe this will be the last thing. Maybe this will fix it. And then none of it fixes it, right? And she still gets all upset when we finally leave. And how annoying is that as a parent, right? How unfair that feels. So solidarity on all of that. The key here is to talk about those hard, uncomfortable things that are going on.

7:03Talk about, is this a new school for you? And your mom's there. I'm there. How hard is that? How weird is that, right? You can't be with me, but you know I'm over there. And it sounds like this child has a little harder time letting go of this parent than her other parent. That's common too, that there'll be one parent that maybe has a harder time with it. And maybe the dad is more businesslike in this situation, more able to comfortably hold his boundary, just like, well, this is what we're doing. Goodbye. And the mom, on the other hand, is having a harder time with that. She's getting a little more sucked in.

7:41Sometimes both parents are like that, which makes it really hard. So everything about this child adds up to her needing that clarity, that ability to openly discuss. And I'm not saying have a long discussion about, you know, unless the little girl does have something to say about it, but it's really more putting it all out there on the table that, yeah, this is a struggle. And when we've really gone there, when we've gone to that place, you know, the last place we want to go as parents. Without our child even knowing why they needed this so much, it gives them a little bit of validation, a little bit of acknowledgement that this isn't something they're imagining.

8:28Not that the child even knows the specifics of why they're having such a hard time. They don't know either. But the parents speaking to this, it helps a child to feel validated, accepted, and that it's okay for them to feel like that. It can be amazing what that does. Again, not right away with a magic wand where she's like, okay, now I'm fine. But it's the path to that. It's the way there. And I would go as far as to say it's always the way there. I mean, there's other things that parents use to get through transitions, you know, being playful or even distracting, which I don't recommend because that doesn't come from a place of confidence in us.

9:13Usually playfulness does come from a place of confidence in us. That's why it works. But nothing works as consistently and as long-term and in a way that's as relationship building as this simple idea of going there, going to that hard stuff and bringing it out in the open. and there are probably other details about this situation that are different. You know, when she says the cafeteria is cold or noisy, like noisy, oh, cold. Oh, how hard is that to get comfortable in? Fearlessly going there instead of what most of us want to do, which is question her, push back on it. Oh, come on. It's fine.

9:55Everyone else is fine. It's not that noisy. I don't know if this parent's doing any of those things, but those are all normal things to do. Nothing to feel ashamed of. They're just not going to work for us. So maybe try something that really does work, not miraculously, but on a true and deep level. It heals for a child to feel seen and accepted. And a child like this who's demanding and age four, I have one of my early podcasts that was popular is called Age Four Feels Like a Different Planet, because that's what a parent wrote in their subject line. And it can be true. It's an intense age. So for a child that's already on the intense side, it's a really tough time.

10:38And yes, they need the boundaries. Yes, they need the confidence from us. And yes, they need a place to land all those feelings that they're having. And that doesn't mean we have to know all the answers to what's going on with her. But we can look at the situational ones. We can look at what's right in front of us. Or we can look right at what she's saying, the noisy, the cold cafeteria. I don't want to let go of you. You know, whatever she's saying, you want another kiss and another hug and 50 more hugs, and we're not going to do that. That's where I would want to get to with her. But I want to talk about the steps to getting there.

11:15The first one is really letting those feelings be, really welcoming them, really opening the door for those to be out there. From there, that's where we can work with our child. You know, once we've accepted with open arms, you don't like how cold it is there. You don't like how noisy it is there. You have a hard time with me being there, most of all, probably, that your mom's there. What can we do to make this easier for you? And going there sincerely, because she does have a valid point of view. Kids always have a valid point of view. We don't have to agree with it, but it's valid because it's real and it's theirs and there's nothing they can do to change it or anything we can do to change it.

12:04So why not really accept it? That clears the air and opens up the space for us to make a plan with our child. Not coming from that place of like, okay, well, what do you want to do? You say, it's noisy. That's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about, uh, noisy. That's not fun. What can we do? How can we address this? Getting ideas from her, throwing out ideas of your own from that open place where you really are connected. You know, once we let go of all our fear of going there, it will feel very settled and comfortable. It may make us feel a little helpless because we don't feel us in control, right?

12:48When we've opened what can feel like a Pandora's box. But there's a freedom in not trying to push against this, but actually letting it be. And then there'll also be what you have to do. And you'll be putting that out there to her honestly. Okay, this is what I need to do. And how can we work together? This could include in this situation, making a plan for how many kisses, how many hugs, exactly how we're going to do this, the special handshake or whatever. And us feeling that conviction and the best route to feeling conviction as a parent and what we're doing is to have already accepted our child's point of view wholeheartedly.

13:31That gives us the conviction because we're feeling so honest and authentic and we have so much integrity here in what we're doing. You know, I'm not sure exactly how this can work for this parent, but to be able to hold space for her to say goodbye and say, you know, if you need to yell at me, but this is what I'm going to do once we've said goodbye, because I need to do this. And again, I know this feels so hard for you sometimes. So you're doing everything you can to make it work for her, but you're not going to get caught up in trying to fix her, fix her, fix her in the moment. The more conviction you have, the quicker this will pass, but there may be one or two loud mornings there for her.

14:16And then she will settle down because she's already shown that she feels safe there. She feels good there. She can enjoy herself. She can thrive there. We don't have to worry about any of that. We just have to help her with this struggle that she's in with the transition, letting go of her precious mom. So saying goodbye could end with, I can't wait to see you at pickup and hear all about it. Being that huge, tall person for her that can hold space for all of those feelings and still hold strong to your boundaries. So this isn't a contest of wills. It's not about we don't want to prove a point.

15:00None of that really works for us. It interferes with our motivation for this and how good we can feel about it, how good we deserve to feel about it. And I just want to say that all transitions, including her dad leaving town and the cat, all transitions bring up a lot of feelings. They just stir up a lot for children. They just do. And that's why their emotional expressions and their behaviors around these transitions can seem so over the top. It's like every transition they've ever been in gets tapped into. And right now she has multiple ones. The cat is probably a more minor one here playing into this, but a new pet is exciting and that can bring up feelings for her.

15:47And dad being out of town, everything's a little off balance. My mom's a little off balance. She's trying to make this work. And I've got to deal with letting go of her. I'm wondering also in this situation to detail that I just thought of, if the sister could possibly play a part in this. Not that we want to put the onus on her, but maybe as part of your plan that you make with your daughter, you include your older daughter. And you say, maybe your sister can take you to your class or take you to your group. Sometimes older siblings really want to help out like that. It makes them feel good when she's having her own transition to another year at the school.

16:26So in her journey, this might be something she can feel good about, that she's helping, where she can feel empowered. So that's another possibility. Again, can all be a part of this plan that you make once you've really gone there and explored all these things that are likely going on for your daughter. It turns out there are a lot of therapists out there listening to Unruffled. And this message is for you. Most people think you just sit in a comfy chair all day, absorbing everyone else's feelings. The reality is you're running a business and your work doesn't end when the session does. There's scheduling, notes, billing, insurance follow-ups, all the time-consuming admin that happens before and after the work you actually care about.

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19:15Okay, so here's this other note, completely different. This was a message on Instagram. Hi, Janet. I listened to your podcast quite a bit, and I found it so helpful. We're experiencing a new hair-pulling behavior in our 21-month-old, and I'm not sure how to best handle it. It seems to be a self-soothing behavior, and the trend I've observed is during periods of frustration, tiredness, or boredom. We've been practicing verbalizing, I'm frustrated, which is helping a bit, redirecting through things like cold teething rings, pull string toys, her pacifier. I try my best to stay calm and not draw attention to it, but it's honestly really distressing to watch.

19:56Do you have any advice? Thank you so much. One other thing I'll add is that I recognize that this behavior is probably stemming from a need for control. We've been experiencing some life transitions in the past month, and this season will continue for about another four to six weeks. So I'm sure that has something to do with it too. Okay, so I wrote back to this parent, and she hasn't gotten back to me or didn't get a chance to. Here's what I wrote back. Hi, have you brought into the open with her the struggles of the transition? Like, it must be so hard when blank, or this has changed. I wonder if you miss your blank saying all those things that you might rather kind of smooth over and avoid if you're like me.

20:42I'm not saying to do this while she's doing the hair pulling necessarily, but other times bringing up all those hard things that might be affecting her. This isn't to get an answer out of her, but to put it out there so she feels less alone in what she may be feeling. So again, this isn't a magical cure, but this is a door that can really open things up in a positive way. Speaking to those truths, even with a 21-month-old who's even less likely to respond than the four-year-old and say, oh yeah, that's it. She's not going to be able to do that. She has no idea herself what's going on. And the four-year-old probably doesn't understand either exactly.

21:26but this is what children do feel. They get to think something like, huh, maybe that is what I'm feeling. And it's okay to feel that way. And I'm not alone in this. My parent gets it and cares. What a relief. And from there, just as with the other parent, this parent couldn't come up with a plan with her 21-month-old who's going to be less able to participate in the plan, but I would definitely open it up to her to participate as much as she's able to. That could include, what about this teething ring? Like when you feel like that, when you're getting all wound up or you're bored or you're, what do those parents say?

22:09Tired. Pulling your hair doesn't feel that good, does it? Kind of hurts. Maybe there's some things that don't hurt that you could do. Do you like those frozen teething rings or do you want to play with a toy? what do you think could help you feel better? And as challenging as it is to see this behavior, try to step back and know that this has a purpose and you can help her with that purpose. Like this parent is already doing, but even more going there to this transition that this parent is mentioning. Go there. Talk about it a little bit every day for the next four to six weeks, however long it's going on.

22:47And then if there are other transitions in the future, Bring it up. Talk about it. Talk about it before it's going to happen, what it might feel like. And I always recommend that when we're going to a new school or to a new class or to some new situation, moving houses, dad's leaving, mom's leaving for a while. Gosh, usually mom gives you your breakfast in the morning. Now it's going to be me. That's going to be different, right? Nothing is too small a detail. nothing is off limits to bring up. In fact, if it feels off limits, that's when it will really help us to bring it up. So I love that word solidarity that that first parent brought up.

23:29Solidarity to both these parents, to all parents. This is such an interesting or tough job we're doing, right? We're learning so much about ourselves. And we're not loving everything that we're learning about ourselves. But this is always a process. It's always about progress and progress is not linear. It goes back and forth. But little by little, we're getting clearer on where we want to be. And once we understand and especially get to taste a little second of what that feels like, something that felt so scary. We put it all out there and it was okay. In fact, there's a relief around it that we can both feel, us and our child.

24:17And then it's easier. When we get off track, we can find our way back. That's what this is about. So I hope some of this helps. I so appreciate, I don't think I get enough chance to tell you all how much I appreciate you reaching out to me. I hope that you'll consider pre-ordering my new book, Baby Person. You can get a signed copy when you pre-order from BookSoup. I'll put that link in the show notes. And of course, please take advantage of my No Bad Kids Master Course. If you want everything you need to know about respectful discipline, it will help you to become that confident leader and get on this path of letting feelings be as we hold our boundaries.

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