The Help Toddlers Need With Aggressive Behavior

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1:19Hi, this is Janet Lansfrey. Welcome to Unruffled. Today I'm going to be addressing three different notes from parents. These are all about children that are struggling with peers, being aggressive towards them in group situations. They're showing their parent that they need help, that they're not able to manage these situations, at least not at that time. All these parents have reached out to me because they're not sure about how to help, how much they should be helping and what that would look like. So that's what I want to address today. It's really this idea that children, in this case pretty blatantly, will show us when they're overwhelmed, when they need help, and they show it to us through behaviors that they know are not positive behaviors.

2:12Children learn very early on from the reactions they get from us, that first time that they hit or push us, that these are not welcome behaviors. They learn that very quickly. So why do children get stuck doing things that they know they're not supposed to be doing that could be upsetting to other children or harmful to other children and certainly don't win our approval, right? Why do they do this? What do they need from us? That's what I'm going to be talking about. So here's the first note. This was on Instagram. Hi, I've just bought your book and it's been unbelievably insightful. My highly sensitive, highly determined, almost three-year-old is really struggling at the moment.

2:56His sister arrived four months ago, no surprise for the struggle. When we go to public play areas, parties, soft play, etc., he seems to get completely overwhelmed. He becomes angry at me if I try to help. He doesn't want redirecting. He really doesn't like other children, will growl at them, and generally use his body weight to shove them out of his way. I'm struggling to know what I am doing so wrong. Have you got any ideas for help? Thank you so much for all the helpful advice. I've followed a few different child behaviorists, psychologists, and definitely resonate with your work the most. I think I have essentially been passive parenting and not setting enough boundaries.

3:39I also need to work on my own reactive behavior. I can become overstimulated by noise and end up yelling, not often, but definitely sometimes. Thanks again. Okay, so I love how this parent kind of diagnosed the whole issue here at the end. She says, I have essentially been passive parenting and not setting enough boundaries. I also need to work on my own reactive behavior. I can become overstimulated by noise and end up yelling, not often, but definitely sometimes. So yes, all of those are things to address to help her child with this problem. So her child, her almost three-year-old is showing very clearly that he is struggling to be with other children.

4:26And as his parent realizes, that's probably to do with the fact that he has a baby sister and he's in that transition, which can be very discombobulating for children because they're really in a lot of fear and feeling a loss of the life that they had. So right there is a formula for a child becoming easily overwhelmed. The way children show that is through these kinds of behaviors and in situations that are already somewhat challenging for them. All children are challenged, even the most socially adept, confident children are more challenged when they're in a group than they would be just at home with their parent.

5:11So they're going into a more challenging situation, feeling a lot of vulnerability. Then a child comes too close or they see something they want that that other child has. They're not feeling in control of their lives right now because of this baby, this change in their life. And so maybe they're trying to control other things and trying to hold on to feeling okay. And somebody comes too close or they just want to lash out. It's hard to know exactly why, but what we can say for sure is that he's having a really hard time managing these situations. And what this parent says is he becomes angry at me if I try to help.

5:55He doesn't want redirecting. I'm not sure what that looks like when she says, I try to help. I do know that redirecting tends to be unhelpful when children are showing us that they're not able to handle situation by not demonstrating positive behaviors, right? So he's already showing that and redirecting is kind of trying to talk him out of feeling what he's feeling. And if he's feeling, you know, overwhelmed, he's at least tipping into dysregulation, if not already there, then he can't be talked into behaving differently or told to behave differently. He's just stuck where he is. And then she's holding boundaries, maybe saying, I can't let you go there.

6:43And I would do this quite physically, not doing a big deal, like picking him up and taking him out of there unless he's really totally flailing and unable to quote, listen to her. But the way that I would help the way that's actually helpful is just to be there next to him blocking saying, oh, no, you want to do that? I'm not going to let you. I'm not going to let you push. I'm going to stop you. And letting him be angry at her about it. So she says he really doesn't like other children. I think at this time, he doesn't like other children when he's feeling like this, the way that it bugs us to be in a crowd of people when we're uncomfortable in ourselves, growling at them and generally using his body.

7:28Well, he can growl at them. There's nothing we can do about that, but we're not going to let him use his body. So we're going to be right next to him. And if he growls, we're going to say, oh, you don't like she's doing that. But we're going to be the safe person. That's what I call the buddy guard. That we're their safe, comfortable person, really being heroic there in the job that we have to help him, no matter how he feels about that. He can be as mad as he wants to about us helping him. We're still going to help him. That's our role. That's what heroes do. And if it's too much for us, or we really see that this isn't fun for him at all, then we leave.

8:08And we consider if we want to expose our child in these situations right now, because maybe he can't succeed at this time. And this will change. But it will change if this parent can be there for him in that heroic mode when he is in those situations or when he needs to be, let's say. And with him at home, that same kind of help between him and the baby, even if he says he wants to kiss and hug and snuggle, but you see that he's kind of vibrating with that uncomfortable, excitable, emotional energy, we don't let him go there. We help him when he can't help himself, no matter how mad he gets at us.

8:52We're not asking for his permission to help him, we're just going to help him. And then she says this part about her own reactive behavior. So that's something that we want to look at, not to judge ourselves for. In fact, the opposite, because we're not going to really uncover it for ourselves easily if we're already judging ourselves at the outset. That kind of closes the door when we're judging ourselves. But when we can be open with ourselves as to what am I reacting to here? Yeah, it is a tense situation, but it's tense for my child. He's the one that's struggling. So she says here, I can become overstimulated by noise and end up yelling sometimes.

9:33Well, that's interesting, right? Because if he's her biological child, he may have inherited that sensitivity. And then it gives us more reason to understand why he's stimulated in these situations to the point where he's overwhelmed because even she as an adult says that she yells sometimes. There may be other things that she's reacting to, just the fact that she feels out of control of his behavior. But those are all things to look at and understand whether she can be in these environments right now with him because he is going to be struggling. If she can kind of make peace with that it's maybe noisy, that his behavior is going to be out of control like that, but that she can be that safe person, that's how she's going to help him feel better and less overwhelmed.

10:23But the more we're kind of feeding into it, unwittingly, none of us mean to and we're human. We're going to do that sometimes. That's why I was saying it's so important to understand that story for ourselves, the whole story of why we're reacting, so that we don't add our own discomfort into making him even more overwhelmed. We really have to kind of see this in a professional way, that we love this boy and we're going to help him because he needs help. Not because there's any shame in that or anything we need to be worried about in a big way. It's just what's going on right now. But we can be that safe person for our child when we get some perspective on what's going on with him and why we're reacting as we do.

11:09So here's another one that's a little more entailed. Dear Janet, I love your podcast and I'm currently rereading your book, No Bad Kids. The respectful approach you share has been so helpful to my family. I've been struggling with a question around trust, and I'm hoping you can help me clarify my thinking. I really love the idea of trusting our children to show us what they need, to initiate when they're ready, etc. However, I find myself in a cycle of distrust with my almost three-year-old when it comes to the issue of aggression toward other kids. My daughter can get violent, pushing, hitting, or attacking faces, sometimes seemingly without warning.

11:50She can do this because she's tired or jealous or insecure, but sometimes it seems unprompted, as in the other child might just be going about their business. I think I sometimes overreact, to be honest. It can really make me mad to see such behavior. When I know that the situation might be dicey, like when I'm dropping her off at daycare in the morning and she's checking out the scene, or when I'm picking her up all those transition times, I try to use your concept of buddy guarding and keep my cool. Sometimes it works like a charm. Other times it turns into something more like ninja mom, where I'm suddenly lunging in to pull her backwards away from the other child she's going at and using a dramatic tone of voice.

12:36But this, I fear, is not teaching her to trust herself. And then there are circumstances where buddy guarding doesn't feel appropriate, like at the playground. I want to trust her to go off and develop her independence through experiences without my hovering. I don't want to trail her or keep an eagle eye on her either, but that's what I end up doing. I don't trust her. And that's not a good feeling. But is backing off and risking altercations with other kids the price I have to pay? Or do I only take her to the park at times that seems the most likely she will succeed? I tried this, told my husband not to go to the playground after daycare, but she also needs time to play outside and sometimes it goes fine.

13:18There's no outdoor space at her daycare and she is there for seven hours a day. So how can I stop distrusting and start trusting her more and help her develop her self-confidence through this? I imagine you'll say I can't trust her not to push and hit, but I can trust her to communicate with me through these imperfect means. One more small anecdote I'd like to share from about a year ago, and she was tired when this happened. We were at the public library with my sister in a play area. Another child came in and started playing with something my daughter had previously been playing with. She started to go towards this child to hit him, and I got there beforehand and picked her up.

14:00I was glad that I was able to intervene before anything happened, but my sister, who's an early childhood educator, told me that I could be rewarding her for bad behavior by picking her up and holding her after she has misbehaved. Should I even consider this rewarding negative behavior argument? It doesn't seem respectful to me if what she needs is my attention and limits. But maybe I should be less physical, picking up, separating without her consent? If you get this and have time to answer, thanks a million. Okay, so once again, this parent nailed the whole thing right here. How could I stop distrusting and start trusting her more and help her develop her self-confidence through this?

14:43I imagine you'll say, I can't trust her not to push and hit, but I can trust her to communicate with me through these imperfect means. So yes, I think what this is about is where this word trust fits. We can trust our children to show us what they need. Absolutely. Like this parent said in the beginning of her note, she loves this idea of trusting our children to show us what they need to initiate when they're ready. But what she's not able to trust is what she wants to trust. She wants to be able to trust her daughter to develop her independence in these situations, to know that she can manage things.

15:20So that's what her child is showing she's not ready to do in those situations. I'm sure there are other situations at home or maybe with one friend where she's able to do that. So that's where she could go off and, quote, develop her independence through experience without my hovering. But I also want to say that buddy guarding what I'm describing is not hovering at all. Yes, it's being nearby, but the only way that it works is if we're right next to our child with this very comfortable, calm, nonchalant, but focused energy. And that I know is kind of hard to get into our bodies if we're not used to the idea.

16:08And if we're still afraid, our child's going to do something wrong. But when we're that close, that's the whole point is that we don't have to be afraid. Because rather than lunging in like this parent said she had to do, we're ready. We're watching her go closer. And we're coming around to the side and we're ready to be between her and that child in the most minimal but effective way possible. Just putting our hand there, stopping her, holding her back a little bit, not doing some big swoop and pulling her away. Because that does not encourage her to be confident with other children. The less we do, but do effectively, not overdoing it, giving her the message that, ah, you can't handle this at all.

16:54And I need to pull you completely away and you're just a mess and this is a big emergency and you did this huge, terrible thing. We don't intend to communicate any of that, but that's what happens when we go with our reflexive response to swoop in and lift up and get her out of there. That's a message that we want to save for absolute emergencies if possible. And that's the whole point of being a buddy guard so that we don't have to do that, so that we can be measured and calm in our responses, but just as effective, in fact, more effective, because we're showing her, I've got your back. I understand you have these impulses right now.

17:36I don't exactly know why. We're never going to know exactly why children can't manage situations. It could just come down to that seven hours of care in a day is exhausting. And again, there's nothing to feel bad about as parents if that's what's working for our family. But for her to be able to manage another group situation after that is really asking a lot of any child. She will be tired. There's no question. And tiredness is reason number one that children get overwhelmed and lash out and show aggression and can't handle situations. So she said her daughter sometimes pushes, hits, or attacks faces without warning.

18:21And this parent doesn't want to have to be next to her all the time. What I would say is that she won't have to if she can do it right now, all the time, especially when it's after a long day at daycare or any other time that she's tired. I mean, this parent is right on. She really gets all of it, communicating with her partner that they shouldn't take her when she's tired. But then on the other hand, she said she needs to play outside. Well, maybe there's a place to play outside that doesn't involve other children that she has to navigate. Or maybe there's a walk that you could do together, something that's not going to be another challenging situation for her at the end of a long, challenging day.

19:02And as this parent says, transition times. Yeah. As I always say, those are the hardest times for children. And that's when they're most likely to not succeed in any kind of social or stressful situation. That's when they really need our help by their side, if they're going through something like this little girl is. And this parent says, sometimes that works like a charm. Other times it turns into something more like ninja mom, where I'm suddenly lunging in. But again, if you're right next to her, and you're just holding her hand, or you're so calm and relaxed and chill, but ready, then you won't have to lunge in to pull her backwards.

19:42That's us reacting with our own emotion. And that's why my main bit of advice here is for all these parents to really take an open-hearted, compassionate look at what you're seeing here. Because what's most helpful for us to see is that this is a time when our hearts should go out to our children. They don't want to be acting like this. They don't want to be upsetting everybody. They certainly don't want to be upsetting us and alienating other children. It's getting away from them and they need our help. That's all. So this parent, she asked, how can I stop distrusting and start trusting her more and help her develop self-confidence through this?

20:27And that is by trusting her to show her mom what she needs and what she can manage and allowing her other opportunities where she's able to show that she can develop her independence and her play and her ideas. Maybe that's on the weekend. Maybe that's in her room before bedtime, a little bit of play there. That's really enough. It really is. And I think sometimes we can get this impression as parents, especially these days when everybody's got their children in afterschool things and extracurriculars and lessons from a very young age. It's totally unnecessary. And it's like this idea that for socialization, even we have to have them in groups.

21:17And that's not true at all. Some children are never going to have an easy time in a group. But letting them come to that gradually is wonderful. At this age, their relationship with us is where they're developing social emotional skills the most. And then if there's other peer play that works for this little girl, wonderful. But yeah, I would consider on the weekends, not trying to do something that's in any way stimulating or challenging after a long day. Just one more thing, this anecdote she shared about is that rewarding behavior by picking her up and holding her after she's misbehaved. So I would not consider that rewarding negative behavior, but I would consider it an over-response when less would be more effective.

22:11Less meaning just as protective, just as much there. But when she said she started to go towards this child to hit him, she got there. So if she was already nearby when she saw her start to go towards a child, especially, that's when I would be, do, do, do, here I come. I'm right there next to her. I'm not saying this out loud, but here I am. And then I can put my hand out and stop her before she hits. And then say something like, I'm not gonna let you do that. Or maybe reflecting on what she's doing there. Trying to say hello to him. Are you noticing him? And then I love this for myself because it really keeps me in the right mode where I feel like, don't worry.

22:52And I might even say that out loud, like, don't worry, I'm not going to let you hit. Because that's how I see it. I see that children don't want to be doing this stuff. They know it's not right. And they desperately need our help. But they, again, don't know how to ask as this parent realizes they ask in these awkward, immature ways. But they do need us to listen and be aware and do our best to set them up for success by being there for them. And then picking and choosing the experiences that we feel our child can handle and that we can handle, buddy guarding, when our children are showing us through different phases that they need this.

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25:53All right, here's one more short one. Hey Janet, I'm not sure if this is how I can reach you, but my two-year-old daughter is so violent with other kids. She understands she has to be gentle, but today she looked at us and said, be gentle, and then continued to go over to a kid who is playing on something she wanted and grabbed his face and almost his eye when he wouldn't move. I feel like we've tried everything and nothing is working. I just cry now because I don't know what I'm supposed to do. So yeah, this is the gist of it. Understanding that I don't know what this parent has tried. She said, I've tried everything, but I feel like she might be trying with words, telling her that's not okay, telling her how to be gentle, maybe.

26:39Hopefully showing that through her behavior because children are learning through our own gentleness more than they're learning through us saying gentle. But it sounds like this parent feels like her daughter should get this. And she's only two, all these children are only two. They do get it, but they can't be relied on or trusted to follow that direction or guidance that we've given them. And some are more sensitive than others to just the energy of being around other children can be a lot. Just one or two other children can be a lot in some phases of their life when there are other stressors maybe going on.

27:18As this parent realizes that she understands she has to be gentle, but today she looked at us and said, be gentle and then continue to go over to a kid who's playing on something she wanted. So it's kind of beautiful what the little girl did. She said, I know what I'm supposed to do, but I just have this urge to do something else. What are you going to do about that? And it's an urge that I really believe that children have very little ability, if any, to control. Maybe it's the reaction she sees in her mother. Maybe it's the mother feeling tearful and she's cloaked in all of these feelings from her parents.

27:57It's almost like she has to fail them again. She has to go there. And she doesn't want to be doing that. It's not fun for her. She's not enjoying it. So this is where my heart would go out to her, but I would be there for her. I'm not talking any more about gentle or what she should do. She knows all of that. Just being her buddy guard, walking along with her when she sees her going toward another child and being ready to block, to protect, to show her safety and love. I don't mean love like cuddly cuddly, but just love that I'm there for you. And I don't judge you. I actually want to understand, but I may not understand.