What to Say and Do During a Meltdown

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1:41Hi, this is Janet Lansbury. Welcome to Unruffled. Well, today I'm going to be sharing something I received. I consider it a gift from the gods. It's a note from a parent in which they describe two experiences they had with their child, their daughter, who's two and a half. One of them is the way this parent handled a meltdown. And the other one, or the one I'm going to share first actually, is the way this parent handled helping their daughter get some medical treatment that she needed, a vaccine. So these are two very different situations, but they have something in common in the way this parent approached them.

2:26The parent approached them with what I like to think of as respectful communication, communicating with their child as a person. And maybe that sounds like something obvious to do, but we don't even always talk to adults with this kind of respectful honesty and openness. And there are great rewards in doing this. So I'm going to explain better yet. I'm going to have this parent explain as I share their story. Hi, Janet. Thank you so much for the work you do with your podcast and books. I just wanted to share a couple of lovely moments from recently brought about by using respectful communication with my daughter who's two and a half.

3:11She recently had a nasal flu vaccine. For about a week before the appointment, we occasionally mentioned to her that she would go to the doctor and get the vaccine. I showed her what it would be like by using a nasal spray on myself and told her that it might feel strange, but that she could sit with me or hold my hand if she wanted, that it would feel odd for a few moments, but that then it would be over. On the day itself, I went over with her what I knew about the process. The car trip, the waiting room, the doctor calling us in, the nasal vaccine itself. At the doctor's, she waited in the waiting room quite calmly.

3:49We heard the three children vaccinated before her start crying in the vaccination room, which was a bit unsettling. When we went through, I sat down on the floor with my daughter. The nurse got the nasal spray ready, then said to my daughter, can you tell me what this smells like? And I realized she was planning to trick my daughter into letting her spray it into her nostril. Not sure what her plan was for the second nostril. I wasn't happy with that, so I gently stopped the nurse's hand and said to my daughter, this is the nasal vaccine. The doctor's going to spray it in your nose. It might feel funny, and then it will be over.

4:27My daughter looked a bit worried, but chose to sit on my lap, then looked at me. I asked, are you ready? And she gave a tiny nod. The nurse gave the vaccine in one nostril, then in the other. My daughter didn't look overjoyed about it, but also not upset. In some ways, it feels strange to be so open with my daughter about these things. I think I'm still adjusting to being able to communicate with her like this in words and for her to be able to understand so clearly. There's part of me that always thinks, maybe I shouldn't tell her, maybe she won't be able to sleep or will worry too much. But it always feels more respectful to be open and honest.

5:06I'm very grateful to your approach for teaching me this. so yes i can totally relate to the fears the reservations the doubts if we say these honest truthful things is that going to make it worse maybe it's better to trick our child the way that this nurse wanted to that's the typical thing to do right it's more unusual to actually include our child in a process like this. It's scary too, in a way, right? Because we're making it worse, maybe. We're scaring them rather than just surprising them and getting it done. What makes this harder is that our societies don't treat kids this way, for the most part.

5:52So we feel somewhat on our own. There aren't a lot of models for this. Yet in this case, the parent believed in their child or decided to try and saw the results. And it reaffirmed to this parent that while their child is, yes, immature as to her ability to self-regulate, she's a conscious, aware, perceptive human being. And it is always a positive thing to treat children that way, to take that leap of faith that I always talk about. So yeah, well done to this parent. The way this parent handled the nurse was wonderful, also so respectful and knowing that we're modeling respect to our children all the time through the way that we treat others.

6:40This parent was incredibly graceful. And I just, I feel I should say, because a lot of times parents will share with me that they tried this or a version of this and it didn't seem to work for them. And usually when I'm able to have a back and forth with that parent, it seems like the parent was having a harder time self-regulating their own anxiety about it. And unfortunately, that can come through when we're speaking to our child, communicating to them about what's going to happen, but we're maybe doing it with trepidation, and expectations that this is going to turn out bad. So that is really the biggest challenge, even more than what we say, is how we feel about it.

7:28And if we can believe in our child as capable of, not quietly necessarily, they could have very strong feelings about it, but they're capable of handling this if we allow for their feelings and if we're honest with them about what's going on. So anyway, I thanked the parent and then they wrote back, I'm afraid there's more. I'm just slow to type as it was dinner, bath and bedtime for my toddler. Please don't feel obliged to reply. I certainly didn't think you would as I know you're busy writing your new book. I just want you to know some of the big difference your work makes to our family. And then this parent went on to share, a few weekends ago, our daughter had a massive meltdown at breakfast time.

8:15She has both meltdowns and tantrums at times, but this was the biggest, longest one I'd ever experienced. 45 minutes of her screaming at me at top volume, unable to eat or drink, hardly able to breathe, even covering her own ears at times because it was too loud for her too. It was so hard and I have to admit I did feel a bit resentful after a while. I stayed calm though and just nodded or said yes or it's okay to feel that to her sometimes, although it was definitely an occasion where it seemed as though me speaking just made it worse. Because I knew my emotions hadn't been the best, I was a bit worried afterwards whether I'd handled it okay.

8:57But our daughter eventually calmed. She said one little thing afterwards, too much, which I wasn't really sure how to interpret. But I just acknowledged, you feel like it's too much right now. And that didn't seem to upset her further. Still, though, I was a bit upset that I couldn't pinpoint a cause for such an extreme meltdown. I realized she must be having a very hard time with something, but there'd been no major changes at home, and I was struggling to work it out. The next morning, though, my daughter was picking her clothes as usual, and everything I suggested, she said, too big, too big.

9:34This wasn't usual for her, but in order to keep things moving, I just picked the clothes for her and let her have her feelings about it. Later, while I was helping her to put her coat on, I said, ah, this one's getting a bit small, I think. You're growing. And she started to cry. She said, no big, me little, and was really upset, which finally made it all click into place for me. She attends a child minders four days per week. A few of the older kids started school this September and therefore no longer go to the child minders. Our daughter is now one of the big kids, and a few younger babies have now joined.

10:14Our daughter has moved from a crib in a bedroom at nap time there to a sleeping mat downstairs. The babies seem very sweet, but things have changed, and it was obviously a lot for her. Over the next few days, we talked to her in little calm moments, just musing, like, It must be strange at childcare at the moment. You're one of the big kids now. There are lots of new babies. And there'll be good things and bad things about that. I bet they take your toys sometimes, and take lots of the childminder's attention. Or, It must be so strange sleeping on a mat now instead of a cot. That's a big change.

10:51She didn't exactly join in, but she seemed to be listening. After that, she seemed much more settled, and we haven't had a meltdown of that scale since. Okay, so there's a little more this parent shared, but I just want to speak to this incredible way that she handled the meltdown. Yes, a 45-minute meltdown is very long, not common. If this is happening a lot, it might be something to look into, but it sounds like in this case, there may have been a buildup for this child. And first of all, I really like that this parent noticed that speaking was making it worse. Parents often ask me this, what do I say during the meltdown?

11:32What do I do? If we could let go of doing and saying, we'll be better off. It'll be easier for us to just focus on letting the feelings be, what now is often referred to as co-regulating, which is calming ourselves so that our child can pass through this moment, or in this case, 45 minutes. I know that's really long. And this parent said it was massive, and it was screaming, screaming for a long, long time. So there's things that we can do to take care of ourselves there. The imagery, I like the one, I'm a therapist, my client is releasing some really important stuff here. This is healthy for them.

12:19I'm not doing anything wrong. In fact, I'm being brave to allow this. Or some people like the image of being a rabbi or a priest or whatever it is that helps us to let go of wanting to fix this. Because that's why children react when we talk during their meltdowns. No matter what we say, almost, if we're talking from that place of not feeling comfortable. If we could only say something that stops this. I feel that too, believe me. So we can listen to those thoughts as they come through to us, like, oh, what can I say? What can I do? Oh, this is terrible. This is ruining my day. Just let them pass through and hold on to, you're safe, you're grounded, it will pass.

13:11It's positive that my child is sharing this and letting this out of their body. Because if it's stuck in their body, that's not helpful to them. So this is what needs to happen. It's the best thing that could happen. And then if we need to hold our ears a little bit or move away, do some things and then come back. One of the things I recommend is nodding our head, just getting into that acceptance. The parents said yes, or it's okay to feel that. yeah. So just acknowledging. And then this parent found that the meltdown did pass as it always does. And honestly, sometimes it just takes a long time, but it often does.

13:56And sooner when we're really able to let go of it and accept it. So the parent did it. The parent was brilliant. And yes, they handled it more than okay. And then they said, she said one little thing afterwards, too much. This parent says, I wasn't really sure how to interpret that, but I just acknowledged you feel like it's too much right now. And that's an ideal thing to do. Just acknowledge what we're getting, not you're frustrated, you're angry, you're sad, but just reflecting what they give us is always the safest. And we can be sure that we're being accurate in our response. And it's a very accepting response, which is what kids want.

14:40when they feel us talking or doing, when they're expressing themselves, it feels like we're not accepting, that we're trying to change what they're feeling or push back on it. And then how does that feel to us as humans when the person we're sharing with or sharing in front of can't just accept what we feel? We can't change what we feel. And we just need it to be out there and okay and for at least somebody to accept it. So that's what this parent did. Then this parent got this information, this too much. And then the next morning, the daughter was saying, too big, too big. I really like how this parent said they just picked clothes for her and let her have her feelings about it.

15:29They didn't just wait until their child felt better, because that is in a way not just accepting a child's feelings. Accepting a child's feelings doesn't mean we make a big event out of it. Like this is some crisis. It's more of this is the flow and this is just where my child is right now. I want to accept that all the way if I can, but keep moving us forward. That's what she did. And then the parents said, ah, this one's getting a bit small, I think, about the child's coat, you're growing. And then the daughter started to cry. No big me little. And this parent got it. The parent got it because they were in that honest, open place and accepting place.

16:17So if we're not open to accepting, we're not going to get the information. So often in our lives as people, we're doing, doing, doing, doing, doing rather than listening, receiving, accepting. We miss a lot that way. I'm guilty of it. So kids can really teach us this. If from the time they're babies, instead of going coochie, coochie, coo, or whatever we want to do to try to connect with them that way, to actually connect with them by seeing what they're doing, what they're looking at, what they might be expressing, and being interested in that. Because this parent got in the habit of doing that, that's why they were able to get this information.

17:06So this way of communicating that's really actually so much more about receiving than it is talking, gives us all of these things. It helps us through meltdowns. It helps us to help our child through any kind of difficult situation, anything uncomfortable, like a medical procedure. We could say that it frees us because we don't have to fear anything if we're willing to accept our child's feelings around it and to be honest. So it's scary, but it's freeing. And it works miracles. If it feels like everything just costs more these days, it's not your imagination. Groceries, gas, healthcare, everything's skyrocketing.

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18:36So keep your head out of the sand and use code UNRUFFLED at Monarch.com to get your first year of Monarch Core half off at just$50. That's 50 % off your first year at Monarch.com with code UNRUFFLED. Tomorrow morning is knocking. Stock your fridge now. How about a creamy mocha frappuccino drink or a sweet vanilla? Smooth caramel maybe or a white chocolate mocha. Whichever you choose, delicious coffee awaits. Find Starbucks Frappuccino drinks wherever you buy your groceries. So, yeah, it sounds like this girl is in an incredible transition. And one of the biggest ones, besides those big kids that she'd bonded with, leaving this new sleeping arrangement.

19:24A lot of times as parents, we can think, oh, I'm going to move my child from a crib to a regular bed because they're old enough and we can forget or not recognize what a huge difference that is to a child. From our child's perspective, we've basically taken the nest that they're used to, that they feel comfortable in, and we've totally changed that. And now they're in this more open space that's different and they can get in and out really easily. And that's distracting and uncomfortable. So it's a big deal. Any change that children make because they've logged in such a small amount of time on the planet, they've held on to what they know.

20:09That's just survival. That's getting comfortable in your surroundings. Your expectations are based on the little that you know about this big, overwhelming world. And that's your parent in your space, where you play, the other people in your life, your familiar daily routine, your bed. That's a big one. So understanding how intense these changes can be that to us seem like, isn't that nice? Now you get to sleep in this bed and you're not in that cage anymore, however we might have thought of a crib. Now that's their cozy nest. so communicating with children being open to them also helps us see through their eyes and when we can see through their eyes really we can solve any issue that comes up because kids want to share that with us when we're accepting of it and then this parent did another incredibly helpful thing they offered possibilities as to what their daughter might be going through and I know it might seem like maybe we shouldn't do that.

21:17And maybe we should just say, well, are you feeling this? Did you feel that? But oftentimes, children can't really explain what's going on. So for us to use our imagination as to our child's point of view, as in this parent saying, I bet they take your toys sometimes and take a lot of the child minder's attention, referring to the little babies that are new. It must be so strange sleeping on a mat now instead of a cot. That's a big change. Those are the kinds of places we can go in our imagination to help our child realize that they do maybe feel some of these things and they are experiencing these things and that this is troubling to them and to have it be understood is a great relief.

22:01So this parent said one more little bit that I want to respond to. They said, respectful parenting is truly the reason why I was trying to pay attention to the causes behind her upset. The reason why I knew that her meltdown must have been due to something. More than just teaching me to be calm in the moment, respectful parenting has given me the gift of seeing my baby as a human, as someone with true motivations behind everything she feels and does. It sounds awful to say that I'm not sure if I would have known that without your work, but it's true. I'm just very grateful. And I want to say to this parent and anyone listening, that doesn't sound at all awful to say because it's not the mainstream view or even close to that.

22:47We are in the minority with this view. And I doubt very much I'd have anything like this perspective if I hadn't so randomly come across Magda Gruber's teachings. It was so random and it all sounded so weird to me for such a long time. But I kept getting this feeling of recognition inside that compelled me to learn more, to try this stuff out. And it works brilliantly, and it makes being with kids richer and more fulfilling than I ever could have imagined. That's why I'm here sharing it every week, and before that, writing about it on a blog every week. And now I've been given an extraordinary opportunity to share it in whole form in a book for Penguin Random House.

23:37And I'm grateful for that because I don't want anyone who might be drawn to this way of seeing to miss out as I almost did. I know it's a cliche to say, but it truly did change my life. And again, I can't thank this parent enough for sharing their stories and reminding me of how lucky I am and how lucky we can all be when we are open to communicating with and taking interest in our babies as people. We can do this.

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